I don't own Chuck

"I never chose to join the CIA, Chuck." His mind tried to wrap around that statement.

"So you're saying your family made you go, to join up?" Sarah snorted at that. "What? Did I say something wrong?"

"No, you said nothing wrong, but yeah, my dad made me join, just not in the way you're talking about."

Chuck sat there a second, confused. "I'm sorry, I'm not understanding. I'm not asking you to tell me, but I don't understand." Sarah gave him a sad smile, nodded, and handed him another screw and similar bracket as they began to work on the bottom corner of the bed. She got in close, knowing she would have to hold the bracket.

"Do you remember the way Heather was always saying things about my dad?" Sarah asked. Chuck nodded, continuing to do his task, worried if he looked at her, she'd lose her nerve. This seemed big…huge. "Dad was arrested by the CIA." Chuck stopped screwing. Why in the hell was someone in the CIA arrest someone in the US. Furthermore….how?

"They can't legally do that," Chuck blurted out. "Sorry-sorry. Not trying to question your telling of the story, but….Sarah…that's fucked up."

"And, maybe they didn't arrest him, but they were there. The Director of the CIA was for sure." She paused and he heard her take a breath. "Graham found me at sixteen and told me I had a choice. To either join him, or go to jail like my father."

"That sonofabitch," Chuck blurted out. "He had no right. That can't be legal."

"Sixteen year old me didn't know that," Sarah said.

"Oh, and I'm betting that's what he was banking on," Chuck added. He turned to her and saw the hurt on her face and that's when it hit him like a ton of bricks. "I literally chose to join the CIA and you didn't," he said softly. She nodded.

"I mean, I did, but did I have a choice?" Sarah asked. She took the bracket and placed it over the corner the way she did the other. "Come on, we still have two more to do."

"Right," Chuck said, getting back to work, and thinking.

}o{

Sarah was sitting on the couch some time later, drinking a cup of hot tea. Things had been quiet between her and Chuck since she told him about her recruitment to the CIA. She blew out a rough breath. Her refusal to share these things with him, they were part of the problem, and she knew it. He was the first person since Susan she had shared it with. No one on the CATS knew. Bryce hadn't known. And it was because of shame. Shame of the prior life she had lived, shame of being used as she became older and had realized what had happened, and shame she had stayed in the CIA after realizing the truth.

She just refused to share any more. Her past was her past, and frankly, thinking about it, just made her hurt more. She knew she should talk to people that she cared about…Chuck and Ellie…and Morgan and Devon. But she just couldn't.

"Hey," she heard him say gently from the doorway to the living room. "I was thinking of pasta for dinner, how does that sound?"

"You don't have to cook every meal, Chuck," she told him.

"I know, but, I think maybe you're a little in your head after sharing all that information." Sarah begrudgingly nodded, her lips pressed together. He nodded, started to turn, stopped and turned back to her. "So, would I be wrong to think that at the train station, when I picked going back, it may have run through your mind that I picked the very group you were forced into?" She looked down for a second, back up at him, through her lashes, and gave a quick nod. He opened his mouth to say something when she quickly cut in.

"But, you didn't know. You didn't know what I expected, what I thought. You just had a way of knowing what I needed, and…God, Chuck…when you did the exact opposite thing that I thought I needed…."

"Wait, you said thought, does that mean you now think it was a bad idea?"

Sarah was silent for a second. "Late at night, I might think about how you not having your friends, because of a decision I made…how that might make you resent me if I went with you." She blew out a rough breath. "I just know what this life did to me. I just know what I didn't want it to do to you."

"So you chose to protect me from harm," Chuck said softly.

"I did." There was silence in the room for a moment. "I always did." He looked up at her. "Chuck, do you remember the whole Lon Kirk mess?" Chuck looked away, grimacing. "I'll take that as a yes." She watched his shoulders shake, him chuckling. "I approached that mission the way I did to make sure I wasn't compromised."

He couldn't help but grin. "How'd that work out?"

"In the end I trusted my guy, and knew I was compromised. But do you understand why I did what I did?" Chuck shook his head no. She nodded and took a deep breath. "Because, Chuck, everything I have done is to protect you. If I couldn't do my job, if they thought we were in a relationship of any kind, I would be gone, Chuck. GONE. And I couldn't be, because…" She chuckled.

"What?" he asked, curious.

"My mom, she played this song when I told her what happened." Chuck went pale. "What's wrong?"

"You told your mom about me…about my stupidest moment?" Sarah began to laugh. "It's not funny."

"It's goddamn hilarious is what it is," Sarah told him. Chuck shook his head. "Anyway, there was this song she played, and it really made me understand how I felt."

"What are they lyrics?" Chuck asked. She gave him a shy smile and began to sing.

You don't know what it's like to live on your own

You've always had me there beside you

You think it's easy finding someone out there

Who's gonna care as much as I do?

She grinned at the look on his face. "No one is gonna care about you the way I do, Chuck, I have to protect you."

"No you don't," Chuck told her.

"Yeah, I do," Sarah replied.