The days and weeks after the kiss that had been shared were strained at best. Severus had never brought it up again, nor ever acted upon any feeling he may or may not have had, and it left Hermione stumped.

She enjoyed the kiss to an extent, but it confused her he never approached the subject since. He had been giving her space that she never asked for, not that she really minded; she liked the company of her own thoughts at times. She just wished she knew how to bring up the kiss with him.

Instead, she longed for a better relationship with her husband; she figured if she had to endure being wed to him she may as well try to embrace the situation rather than feeling as if she were walking on eggshells, one wrong step away from a momentous meltdown.

Her life wasn't anywhere near as exciting as she thought it would be after she married him. She wasn't sure why she thought her life would be exciting marrying him; he had a sour demeanour and wasn't a man of many words; she shrugged to herself; she guessed she would get to know his inner workings and deep, dark secrets and so far the walls he had up weren't crumbling, they weren't even cracking and she was no closer to getting to know him now than she was before they had married.

Hermione often daydreamed in classes, only to pull herself back to the task at hand with the shake of a head and the hope that no one noticed. Often thinking about what her life would be like if she had a child, or perhaps, a husband that loved and respected her. No, she shook her head. She was sure he respected her. He just didn't love her. Perhaps respect wasn't the right word. She shook her head again. There she was, thoughts off on a tangent and clouding her mind.

Glad she came back to classes but frustrated, she couldn't concentrate on the task at hand put her in a crisis within her mind. She wanted to learn, but she couldn't because her mind was running wild at the what if's. She spent the last class of the day tucked away in their chambers. There was no point going to class, especially his, the source of her anguish if she couldn't concentrate.

He'd hardly said two words to her since their kiss and she knew he wasn't about to start now, even in his classes he did his best to ignore her and she tried to not let it get to her but she would be lying if she said it didn't hurt just a tiny bit.

To have a husband who ignored you even in the times when he professionally shouldn't cut deep and it cut hard. She shrugged. She was resilient and would get over all of this eventually because she was never one to let any issue get one over her.

Flopping down on an armchair in their chambers she stared at the door hesitantly, wondering if he would come and look for her if he ever realised she wasn't in his class, she assumed even if he noticed, that he wouldn't care and that was fine with her.

One thing she had noticed of late was that he was drinking a lot less, or at least, he was drinking a lot less in front of her. She knew he had demons he needed to escape, hell; she had demons she would like to escape at times as well but everyone coped differently; he drank and she kept her feelings and anxiety bottled up inside of herself and constant pushed it back down into the darkened depths of herself never to see the light of day.

To her mild surprise, the door did eventually burst open and Severus stepped in and closed it softly behind him, coffee cup in hand. He was just as mildly surprised to see her sitting there staring back at him, not expecting her to be there.

"Everything ok?" she asked, crossing her legs casually over one another and staring through him. She rested her hands primly in her lap and jutted her chin out, raising a single brow defiantly.

"I could ask you the same," he looked her up and down cautiously as if she were planning to pounce on him, "you are meant to be in class. My class."

"Didn't much feel like it," she said truthfully. "you don't want to talk to me behind closed doors and you don't want to talk to me in public. I saved us both the hassle and removed myself from the situation."

"I'm not here to argue with you," he warned sternly, walking across the sitting-room he plucked a bottle of whiskey from the table and juggled the mug and bottle as he turned the lid off the bottle and upended it, turning his once innocent coffee into something a little stronger.

"I never planned on arguing, Severus," she began, eyes narrowing at him, "starting a bit early, aren't you?"

"It's two in the afternoon. The time is more than appropriate."

"I wonder how Minerva would feel knowing you were drinking on the job." The corners of her lips tugged into a sly smirk.

"You wouldn't." He raised an eyebrow, countering her. She was all bluff.

"And give me one good reason I shouldn't?" She stood and placed her hands on her hips, pursing her lips.

He ran his free hand over his chin, over his nose and into his inky hairline, frustrated. "I don't have time to play your games right now, woman. Just because you don't want to partake in acquiring an education today doesn't mean your peers think the same. I am sick of dancing around things with you and I think it is time we sat down and had a talk about everything, so we are both on the same page."

She nodded once. "I agree."

"After dinner, we will sit down. And try to be mature about it all," he warned.

"I always am," she retorted.

" Literally you are not," he called over his shoulder as he left the room, coffee cup clutched tightly in his hand.

" So," She took in a deep breath, blinking rapidly as she watched him intently from her armchair, hugging her legs tightly against herself.

"So," he countered, clutching a bottle of whiskey in his hands, "where do we start?"

"Well. Don't let me tell you what to do but I'd start with the drinking and work my way to the reason you hate me, but I'm not you so," shoulders shrugged high as a small sigh forced its way past her lips.

"Look, Hermione. There is a lot more to me than you can see on the surface. I've done reprehensible things in life; I've partaken in things I am far from proud of. I've watched the light leave the eyes of many an innocent victim at my hands directly and indirectly. Killed merely because I was told to do so. There are many things I am not proud, hell I am not proud of myself. These things weigh heavily on your psyche, and they grind away at you piece by piece until there is nothing left to wear down and you are just a hollow shell of the person you once were. That's when I turned to drinking. I drink because I am unhappy. I'm unhappy because I drink. The cycle just goes around like a cursed merry-go-round, destined to never stop. One day I woke up and worked out I couldn't function without the alcohol. It's like a security blanket to help me deal with life," his voice was even and to the point, inky eyes staring across the room focusing on the unlit fireplace as he talked. He didn't want to make eye contact with her, he didn't need her to see how much he hated himself, how much he hated the fact he was like he was.

" So it's a coping mechanism?" She asked in a curious upward inflection., side-eyeing him from where she sat.

Exhaling softly, he turned his head towards her, "you could say that, yes."

"Have you thought of asking someone for help? You don't have to suffer alone, Severus."

"So then everyone knows I have a problem? No, thanks. I will dance with my demons alone."

The silence hung heavily in the air, almost impenetrable, as she watched him intently. The man that appeared strong and unflappable outside of this room was merely a broken, empty shell of a man who was struggling internally with his emotions and unable to process them in a way he should be able to. It was odd to see such raw emotion radiating from him and she felt uneasy like something wasn't sitting right in the pit of her stomach.

"Now, for the dragon in the room…" she broke the silence gently, watching as his head snapped towards her, eyes swimming with uncertainty.

"What do you want to know?" He asked casually, leaning far back on the lounge he was sitting upon hoping it would open up and swallow him so he didn't have to answer her questions.

"Why are you avoiding me? Why do you dislike me so much and why are you pushing me further and further away?"

"Because, Hermione. You deserve more than what I can give you, you deserve more than me. A girl such as yourself deserves the world and I cannot give that to you. The further I push you, the easier it is for me to ignore the temptations that are creeping up within me. I am a male, I had a young, amazing girl kiss me and something deep with awoke and the desire reared its head and made me lust for more and that's not what I wanted to happen," he sighed deeply, leaning forward he held his head in his hands for a moment, frustrated, "I wanted to hate it, I wanted to be repulsed by such a notion but that never happened." He took in a deep, shaky breath and fell silent again, trying to put the words together in his head.

There it was again, the silence that consumed them wholly and fully, and she hated it. She hated when he stopped and sat in deep thought because she knew he was thinking of the excuses to drive the wedge further between them until eventually everything split at the seams. It was already hard enough for her to be married to him, to change the dynamics between them, but it was even harder when he was trying to sabotage what little relationship they had at every chance it afforded him.

"You are a student, I am your professor, I should be repulsed by the thought of touching you but here I am thinking about it from the moment I open my eyes, to the moment I close them and am fighting a constant internal battle with myself over what is right, and what is wrong. This situation we have both found ourselves in is unfortunate and I wish to keep your innocence's for as long as possible should there be a way to overturn the law. Never did I want to even kiss you because I knew it would have the potential to go further and that is not what I want for you. You are a brilliant young woman with your future ahead of you and you deserve so much more than being saddled with me as your husband and forced to bear me a child I've never ever wanted."

"I am your wife and you are my husband," she corrected him, " and that's fine and I appreciate your sentiment, but I think I am old enough to make my own decisions, Severus. If I wish to be involved beyond a platonic level with you, I am more than capable of making that choice for myself. Your efforts are gallant, but not needed. We are both stuck on the same hill and if we don't move soon, we may die upon it."

"Old enough to make your own decisions but not old enough to think of how they will affect you further down the track, Hermione. You are sitting here with hope in your heart and stars in your eyes. You hardly even know me, the real me, that is. You only know the version of me I have personified and projected into the world. Behind these closed doors, I am a totally different man to the one out there." He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. This entire conversation was uncomfortable, and he wished it would end sooner rather than later.

"You have to realise here Hermione I first saw you as a bushy-haired little girl who marched through those doors of Hogwarts with the world as her oyster, head held high and a defiant look in her eye that could have rivalled even Dumbledore himself," his lips twitched gently at the corner as he tried to force down a smile that wanted to rear its head, "and now I am expected to have a child with that child I saw walk through those doors not that long ago. In my head, sometimes you still are that little girl and that right there is what my morals are struggling with. Also, the fact I know how cruel others can be having been on the receiving end of bullying my entire existence as a student here, I don't want that for you. I don't want you to be taunted and pushed to the limits because of something I can avoid."

Hermione stood and walked over towards him. Sitting gently beside him, she crossed her ankles and folded her hands in her lap primly.

He eyed her sideways, suspicion rising with every second she sat there and never spoke a word.

"Everything ok?" He asked cautiously, trying to keep a small distance between them.

"Fine. Everything is fine. You said I don't you the real you, so I am over here, and I plan to get to know the real Severus Snape," she said matter-of-factly, sitting up straighter.

"There really isn't much to know, you know? I keep to myself; I have an alcohol problem, as you know. I hate children, hence why I've never wanted one in my life. I drink to suppress any feelings I may have, so I don't have to deal with anything and my shift to monitor the halls is just about to start, so I best be off."

She watched under hooded lids as he stood and left the sitting room without another word. The only legacy he left behind was the resounding thud of the hard wooden door and silence that consumed her fully and wholly. She hated this. She hated everything about this situation. It was one step forward and ten steps backwards with this impossible man. She was trying so hard to be open and honest with him and he was shutting her down at every single point of access that she tried, and it was tiresome.

She knew the situation wasn't great for either of them, he obviously felt as if she were intruding in on his privacy but she didn't like this situation any more than he did but she at least wanted to make it bearable and he wasn't allowing that.

o-o-o-o

Tossing and turning as sleep eluded her in much the same way that Severus did, she sighed and gave up trying to rest. She hated that her brain never turned off of late and that he was the bane of her existence. Jaw tight, she punched the pillow violently. Resting and relaxing was something she didn't know the meaning of, and it was wearing her down day by day.

If someone had have told her six months ago, she would be married to Severus Snape and all she did in her waking hours was obsess over what he thought of her she would have hexed them into last week, but now, it was a real nightmare.

Getting out of bed and dressing in haste, a pair of jeans and a plain t-shirt, she went for a walk to the lake. It was chilly this time of year, as a cool autumn was getting ready to give way to a chilly Scottish winter. Grabbing a cloak as she headed out to ward off the cold, she padded softly through the eerily quiet castle. The lake at this time of night was her favourite spot to clear the mind and cleanse the soul.

Sitting upon a large rock of many that dotted the shoreline, she couldn't help but feel helpless and insignificant in the vast scheme of this. She missed Harry and Ron. She missed her parents and, most of all, she missed herself.

"Out of bed I see," the all too familiar voice of the man that was currently the bane of her existence drawled, making her simultaneously cringe and turn her head at the same time.

"Brilliant observation, caption obvious," she retorted back bitterly as he sidled up beside her. Her nose screwed up as the overpowering scent of liquor wafted up her nostrils and she felt a little light-headed. For a man that drank so much, he was quite good at acting sober.

"As a professor who just found you out of bed and then copped a mouthful of sarcasm, I should give you a detention faster than a Niffler could sniff out gold but that line is a little blurred and I probably deserve everything throw my way." Glacially, he sat beside her, relishing in her company. Marriage was an odd concept to him. You just pick a person from everyone in the world and decide you want to do everything with him. Well, an arranged marriage was an even odder concept to him. You were forced to marry someone who wasn't a willing participant and then they are forced into your home and your life and you just kinda tolerated it because there was nothing else you could do about it, anyway.

"I know you are confused right now, Hermione. Things in your life aren't turning out the way you had planned them to, and I'm sorry about that. I apologise for that of all the people you could have been paired up with, you drew the incredibly short straw with me and know that if I could have offered my spot to someone else, I would have because you deserve more." His lips tightened into a meek smile that she couldn't see in the inky darkness.

Placing a cold white hand on her own, he felt the quivering of flesh and muscle beneath his touch, almost as if she were in two minds between keeping her hand there or ripping it from his grasp.

"The only time you come to me, the only time you can bear to touch me in any capacity is when you are highly inebriated. Don't come seeking me out when it suits you, Severus," voice so soft it was almost eerie as it hit his ears.

He felt the flesh and sinew pulsate beneath his hand as she gently pulled from his grasp, "I'm sorry, Severus, but I think you need help and until you get some I think our relationship, or whatever we have between us will be strained."

He stood shakily and looked down at her with contempt, "we never had a relationship and we never will," he spat venomously, "and I care not for the opinion of a mewling quim, I told you weeks ago there would be nothing cordially between us and to expect nothing but the bare minimum off me as a husband."

He turned in a shroud of black robes, hearing a strangled sob come from the girl's direction, and he thought he felt the slightest pang of guilt rip through his body just as he started to walk away.