Stage 2: Nunnally's Nightmare
"Is that so…and I assume the one you would place on the throne is yourself?"
Those were the words of someone who had their enemy all figured out; words filled with mockery and derision for a monster who had killed millions for the right to sit on a throne.
"Incorrect." Schniezel's words, on the other hand, carried the dignified confidence of someone who had gained the upper hand in a debate. "You're entirely mistaken, Lelouch."
"Hm?"
"The one I believe to be worthy of Britannia's throne…is her."
"NU-"
"Nunnally?!"
A part of me was surprised that nobody had expected this. After all, who else could be the perfect hostage to stop Lelouch right before a decisive victory? Was there anyone else whose mere presence could cut through his resolve like butter?
Why, I wonder, does the world keep using me as a weapon against the brother I love so dearly?
"Onii-sama…Suzaku…" For a moment, I let my mask slip so that my indignation at being used like this could show in my voice and expression. "Today, I stand in front of you as your enemy."
Combined with my words, it must've looked like righteous anger; the resolve of a girl who was casting aside her best friend and her own brother in the pursuit of justice.
Don't worry though, Onii-sama; this time, I'm not here to be used by your enemies.
In fact, I'm the one who will use them.
My plan is simple: if we give the world an outlet on which it can unload all its fear and hatred, we might be able to collect it all in one place and destroy it with a single move. All we need is a villain to act as the vessel that acts as a source of everyone's hatred, and a hero to destroy it.
Schniezel el Britannia has created a weapon to oppress the world and throw it into a false peace through tyranny, but I shall wrest control and turn it into a symbol of oppression; a vessel to collect everyone's hatred. They shall play the villains of my story.
Their opponent is the Emperor of Justice, the man who destroyed the Numbers system, abolished the oppressive nobility sucking the people dry, and turned the Holy Britannian Empire into a force of good. You, onii-sama, shall be the hero.
Once this is all over, we can pin everything on this weapon and its master. Once they're destroyed, the world's hatred shall vanish along with them; you can finally create the world of our dreams.
As for me, for what I've done and what I'll most likely end up doing…I've always belonged to you anyway, so do with me as you wish.
"N-Nunnally…you're alive…?" The shock- no, the horror in his voice was palpable. It's like someone had him in a chokehold.
I'm sorry, onii-sama…this isn't the reunion I wanted either. You won't believe just how much I want to to be in your arms, to apologize for hurting you like this. However, I need Schniezel to trust me for now; I need the key to this monstrosity's power, otherwise I won't be able to justify the deaths that happened today.
No matter what, I cannot let Schneizel enact his own plan for this weapon; I can't let him create the world of fear that he calls 'peace'.
I swear though, one day I will pay my penance for my sin. I'll bear any punishment for causing you so much pain.
"Yes, thanks to brother Schniezel."
I'm still safe as long as he believes he's in control.
"Schniezel…?"
"Nunnally, do you even understand what Schniezel just did?" Suzaku merely sounded reproachful, like he didn't even care about the pain we were going through.
It didn't come to me as much of a surprise, however; I doubt he had ever held any love for us since the day he lost Euphie.
Right, Suzaku? Just for the sake of your own selfishness, you used me against Lelouch like a weapon. My brother's love for me, my trust in you…these pure, sincere feelings became mere tools for your own petty revenge.
To you, both of us had become second-rate junk the moment you found our sister.
"Yes…brother Schneizel used FLEIJA on the Imperial Capital, Pendragon."
He killed millions in the process, making me an accessory in mass genocide upon our own people. The weight of this sin rests on my shoulders, and it is now my duty to give meaning to all those meaningless deaths.
I'm not like Cornelia. The fool, she's so blinded by her crush on Schniezel that she'll eat up any lie he tells her. I bet she even thinks everyone in Pendragon is fine.
Not that I'm any better; I ignored the darkness in you for way too long, Lelouch.
I made you suffer, didn't I?
I'm so sorry.
"if you understand, then why-"
"Then, are you saying that using Geass is better?"
Suzaku choked, as if he could say nothing in response.
His silence sparked my own anger.
Of course, the power to twist human will couldn't be considered inherently 'good'. However, unlike our monstrous bombs that could steal millions of lives in a heartbeat, I know it's not a power that's inherently cruel either!
My brother has obviously used it, but we're all still here, able to oppose him! Even though he had a power even more absolute than the fear of death, we all still have our free will!
Suzaku, how dare you not defend my brother? If I were there in your place, I would've stood up for him with everything I had! If you don't believe in him, why are you even there?
Why are you allowed to be at his side when I'm stuck here pretending to be his enemy? With a resolve as half-assed as yours, what gives you the right to stand by him?
Why am I always forced to play the damsel, the burden, while you can pretend to be a knight all you like?
"Both of you have been lying to me, right? Hiding the truth from me, this whole time…"
Of course nobody ever told me anything. Even now, I've only been given enough information to be a useful tool against my own brother.
Everyone hides everything from me! I'm sick of this!
"But, I finally understand."
I understand that my brother has stained his own hands with blood to fight against horrible tyrants like our father. He's spilled so much blood already, and I know he'll keep spilling even more.
As much as I love my brother, I know his hands aren't clean; pretty words alone can't change the world. Sadly, that's the kind of world we live in.
These are things nobody told me, yet I understand them anyway.
But still, even if the world is this cruel-
"Onii-sama…you're Zero, right?"
Why did you feel like you had to be the one to change it?
Why did you have to risk your own life for it? If you die, how can I continue living in this world?!
And even if you had to do it, why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you trust me?
"Why…was it for my sake?"
Who cares about this world? All I want is you, why don't you get that?!
"If that's it, then I-"
Cruel laughter interrupted me. A chuckle as cold as the arctic frost chilled my blood.
"For you…? Even for my sister, aren't you being a little too arrogant?" I recognized that voice, but at the same time, I didn't.
"Huh?"
"Have you really come to believe that you're owed everyone's pity? Never staining your own hands, yet blindly criticizing any actions you don't personally agree with?" The mirth in his voice as he insulted me, cutting deep at every insecurity I've ever had, mocking me for my weakness and saying I was no better than a blind beggar…
It would've hurt less if he ripped my heart from my chest.
Of course, I had expected some criticism for my naivety, but I hadn't expected it to hurt this much.
"To me, you seem no better than the obsolete nobility that I've rejected!"
What?
No, this wasn't part of the plan! Onii-sama, what are you saying?!
"Please, no…"
This wasn't supposed to happen!
Please don't do this to me! Not to me…please!
Please don't toss me aside!
"I do this not for you, nor anyone else; it is for my own sake that I shall conquer this world!"
What're you saying?! What's this about 'conquering the world'? That's supposed to be us! That's what the villain says before you destroy their baseless confidence!
This is all wrong! I know you've never wanted to rule! All you ever wanted was for us to be left alone, for Britannia and our family to never find us! You started a rebellion just so we could've lived in a world where we no longer had to fear our father!
That's why you're the hero of this story; you're the one who always stood up against tyrants who wanted to rule the world through fear!
A gentler world…I know it was something you wished for even more than I did!
"If you join hands with Schniezel and stand in the way of my conquest, you will receive no mercy; I shall crush you along with the rest."
NO! Please, give me a sign, a hint! Laugh at me, insult me if you must…call me a fool, a beggar, say anything you want, but please…don't say it like I don't matter to you anymore; like you don't care about me!
I know I was arrogant! I know what I did was wrong! Please tell me to step aside so you can save the world from us!
Please…even if I'm useless, tell me you still love me!
"Onii-sama…!"
He cut the call.
My brother just insulted me, rejected me, said he'd kill me if I opposed him…and cut the call.
No…that wasn't my brother.
I refuse to believe it.
WHO ARE YOU?! GIVE MY LELOUCH BACK TO ME!
"Are you alright, Nunnally?" Of course I'm not, you monster! "I made you do something cruel, didn't I…" Yes, and I'll always hate you for it! Now shut up; I don't want to hear your voice! "I thought if I showed him the power of FLEIJA, he would stand down on his own." Of course he wouldn't, and you know it; hell, you knew he'd rise to the challenge.
We all knew it.
But what really struck me was that Schniezel didn't seem surprised; almost as if he'd expected it.
As if he knew something that I, myself, didn't; as if he knew my brother better than I did!
I'm sick of people acting like this! I hate being left out of the loop!
What are you hiding this time? What the hell do you think you know about my brother?
Tell me!
"Big Brother Schniezel…are the people of Pendragon truly safe?"
Calling this disgusting man my 'brother' after what he just did was painful. I knew they weren't safe; of course they weren't. You'd never cared about people beyond their usefulness.
Millions died, and I'd stood aside and let it happen. To protect myself, to use the Damocles for my own plans, I had allowed for it to happen.
Now, just so I can maintain my freedom and salvage whatever I can of my plan, I need to play the innocent girl who still believes in 'big brother Schniezel'.
"Don't worry, I had them all brought to safety before the blast. Of course, the casualties aren't zero…but I believe we've managed to keep them to a minimum."
Hm?
Schniezel is usually a good liar, but for some reason, it was easy to smell a rat in this one. I could feel Cornelia tense up; even she could sense that something wasn't quite right.
Was it guilt? Schneizel, was this such a heavy sin that even you can't mask it?
"But now, you plan on using it on people…on my brother, no less…" Had that really been my brother? Would Lelouch ever reject me like that? I know he wouldn't; no matter how angry, how frustrated he would be with me, he would never insult me like that.
Not even as an act…my brother wasn't this cruel! He wouldn't hurt me like this!
And of course, Schniezel knew this would happen. Something has afflicted my brother, and this…monster knows what's happened to him.
But how? I know my brother would never act like this! Something had to be wrong! Something was forcing him to-
No.
It can't be...
Except, what else could it be?
"Only if they stand in the way of world peace."
'Peace'? What sort of tyrant would call it that? I have to stop this, even if I what I fear has come to pass.
If my brother's no longer himself…
"Brother Schniezel…won't you let me have a trigger to launch FLEIJA warheads?"
I alone must bear this cross.
"Hm?"
I'll take this weapon of yours, and turn it into a symbol of hatred. You'll die, and so will every sinner aboard this vessel.
But then, what about onii-sama?
Wasn't he committing a sin too, by taking over the world?
No, was that really Lelouch in the first place? In his right mind, he would never do this.
Most importantly, I was his most precious person in the world! He told me I was!
The curse called 'Geass' has done something to my brother, and it is that which now dictates his actions. I know my brother; even if I'm a burden, he wouldn't toss me aside so coldly.
"I can't fight, nor can I protect anything."
Something foul has forced us apart. The same thing will make my brother commit countless atrocities, and will keep forcing him to shoulder sin after sin.
If my brother's no longer there, then all I can do is-
"That's why…if nothing else, I want to be able to shoulder this sin."
I'm utterly useless. I'm the one who pushed you on this path. My weakness is the reason you've been taken over by that curse, isn't it?
Because of me, you drenched your hands with blood. It's my fault that you're no longer yourself.
It's my fault that you're being crushed under the weight of your own sins.
It's my fault that you're suffering.
You can't change the world without getting your hands dirty.
it'smyfault
Onii-sama…I've resolved myself.
myfaultmyfaultallmyfaulteverything'smyfault
Next time, I'll shoot to kill.
allmyfaultpleaseforgivemeit'sallmyfault
I'll become a monster greater than any other. I will take more lives than you ever have.
everything'smyfaultpleaseforgiveme
I'll become a demon so cruel that everyone will be left with no choice but to see Zero as a great messiah who'd died saving the world.
myfaultmyfaultMYFAULTIT'SALLMYFAULT
Lelouch vi Britannia will forever be remembered as the Holy Emperor who wanted to save the world from the monsters born from his own father's tainted blood.
IT'SALLMYFAULTPLEASEFORGIVEME
Even the ones who tossed you aside will see the error of their ways. Whether or not they survive this, they'll know the true monster was the one they sided with.
FORGIVEMEPLEASEFORGIVEME
I shall kill the malignant curse using your body. I shall cleanse you of your sins. The world will remember you as a messiah, and I will become a demon in your place.
IT'S ALL MY FAULT, BUT PLEASE FORGIVE ME
I'll destroy this world…and make it anew.
I KNOW I'M USELESS, BUT PLEASE DON'T THROW ME AWAY!
All for you.
YOU'RE ALL I HAVE, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!
ONII-
"-SAMA!"
The empress panted as she awoke from her nightmare, and realized that it was still rather dark outside. She also realized that she'd been crying and that her hair was a complete mess, which meant she probably looked absolutely dreadful right at that moment.
Rather than bothering Sayoko, she tried to go back to sleep. Unfortunately, the horrible memories from that day kept assaulting her mind.
Alone and sleepless, Nunnally wept till daylight.
"Enter."
Wearing the guise of Zero, Suzaku walked into Nunnally's office. Understandably, he was quite nervous; after all, the girl in front of him had tried to kill him last night.
Nunnally looked up from the document she was reading and stared at him. Her eyes didn't hold any of the anger, hatred and manic grief they had last night. They didn't hold any of the fake happiness and compassion they did when she was in public either.
Hers were the dispassionate eyes of a calm lioness looking at her prey, a true leader of humanity.
Lelouch would've been so proud.
After a while, she finally stopped observing him and reclined into her comfortable chair. Suzaku relaxed a bit, dimly aware that Lelouch's voice had been whispering in his ear to 'Live', letting him know that his life had been in actual danger.
He pretended not to notice Nunnally's hand moving away from a switch that would've activated the incredibly sophisticated 'defense system' built into her office, an experience even he wouldn't have survived unscathed.
"Suzaku, take off that mask."
"Your Majesty, I-"
"Save it, Suzaku." her voice held firm authority. "You know this room isn't being recorded. Take off that mask, that's an order."
Reluctantly, Suzaku pulled it off and stared at the empress. She stiffened up a bit and her eyes were momentarily filled with rage that looked heart-achingly nostalgic, but then she just sighed and relaxed completely, a morose expression on her face.
"Sit."
Suzaku silently complied with Nunnally's order. She immediately went back to her work, carefully looking through some documents. As she worked, an uncomfortable silence filled the room.
"Um…you need help?" Suzaku asked, incredibly nervous. Nunnally glanced at him, then pushed a small stack towards him and went back to her own work.
"Tell me what you think."
Suzaku eagerly complied, grateful to have something to do. He carefully read through the documents, which appeared to be a proposal for further relaxation on Paragraph 17 of the United States Charter.
"You think it's not enough?" Suzaku asked. Nunnally shook her head.
"No, I think it's too much. I know the UFN needs to decrease its military presence to counter fears of it becoming another global empire, but they need to give us more time to adjust." She flipped her own document towards him, revealing a copy of the same proposal Suzaku was reading.
"Here, they say they want the UFN to offload thirty percent of their Knightmare forces. This is far too much." Nunnally pinched the bridge of her nose. "We have the Knightmares, but we don't have the pilots. Even if we find pilots, we don't have enough Sakuradite."
"Well, you don't have to restructure immediately, do y-" he gulped audibly when Nunnally's glare landed on him.
"Britannia needs to project its strength, no matter what. We can't let people know that we're unable to mobilize the men or afford the Sakuradite." She went back to her own document, reaching the page where the signatories presumably were. "The E.U. again…Margaret needs to control her band of fools better. Also, Spain and…" she groaned and tossed the paper aside.
"What?"
"The Arabian Federation, along with the usual suspects…you know what this means."
Suzaku felt a headache coming.
"Zilkhstan…"
"Of course it has to be them!" Nunnally groaned in frustration and cradled her head. "Just Shalio and his merry band being an eyesore, as usual."
A country of soldiers. A purely war-based economy that could only survive off its 'services' as a provider of highly trained and capable mercenaries. As soon as the UFN had amended Paragraph 17 for the first time, they'd immediately sought out clients who would be interested in their wares. One of them had been the Arabian Federation, formerly Area 18.
Through their clients, Zilkhstan would frequently cast proxy votes and push agendas that benefitted their own economy. This was clearly one of those cases.
"Now we have to explain why this is a terrible idea without bringing up our own budget woes…just great." She turned her eyes towards a frame on her desk, which he knew contained a photo of the siblings from their Ashford days. "Onii-sama, how did you handle this at such a young age?"
"…he had Geass." Suzaku answered helpfully.
"Even magic can't make up for a lack of talent." Nunnally replied with an amused huff.
With that, she went back to work and left him to deal with yet another awkward silence. This time, however, Suzaku just waited for her to finish.
After presumably highlighting her issues with the proposal and jotting down notes on what to do, Nunnally finally turned to face him.
She straightened up, took a deep breath and stared him in the eye, as she finally got to the real reason she'd called him to her office.
"Suzaku, I would like to apologize for my behavior last night." He opened his mouth to protest, but she held up her hand. "No, please don't try to make excuses on my behalf. I was wrong; I shouldn't have acted like that, nor should I have threatened to kill you."
"You weren't wrong, Nunnally." Suzaku replied "In fact, I'd say if there's anyone in the world who has the right to kill me, then-"
"Don't finish that sentence, Suzaku." Nunnally's voice was so dangerous that, in a rare display of common sense, he decided to shut up and listen to the angry woman in front of him.
The empress, in turn, took a moment to control her temper.
"Suzaku, I've said this before and I'll say it again: I forgive you for doing what you did. And even if I hadn't…" Nunnally glanced at her photo of Lelouch. "even if I unloaded all my hatred onto you, revenge wouldn't bring my brother back. It's pointless."
"...why?"
Why did Nunnally forgive him for such a grave sin? How could she forgive him for killing the person who mattered the most to her? To Suzaku, it just didn't make any sense! He'd killed her brother for his own petty revenge, so why would she-
His eyes widened.
"I see you've finally figured it out, even though it took you five whole years." The empress scoffed at him. "If I didn't forgive you, it'd restart the vicious cycle that cost my brother his life. Something as petty and self-serving as revenge is not worth ruining Lelouch's noble sacrifice."
Nunnally's eyes were full of bitterness as she glared at him.
"I wonder if, after this realization, you'll actually stop and think about the consequences of your actions from now on."
'Or else…' her eyes seemed to say.
He hadn't actually thought about it, not even once, but it made so much sense. While seeking revenge against Britannia's emperor, Lelouch ended up killing Euphie, which gave rise to Suzaku's own vengeance. That hatred stole Nunnally's brother from her.
What, then, would happen if Nunnally continued that cycle?
'Someone might come after Nunnally to seek vengeance for Zero's death, not to mention the UFN's reaction'
Lelouch's death would've been worth nothing. Wouldn't it be like spitting on his grave and telling him that everything he'd died for had been worthless?
Of course Nunnally didn't want to forgive her brother's killer; she was forced to.
How did it take him five years to figure out something that seemed so obvious? Had he really been so caught up in his self-righteousness that he'd still believed that Lelouch's death had been justified?
"Besides," Nunnally still wasn't done, it seems. "we both know you were right. I am the reason my brother is dead."
He was about to protest, but she raised a hand to silence him.
"I don't want your excuses. I know you were telling the truth; I just wanted to hide from it, like the pathetic coward I've always been." Her tone was dripping with self-recrimination. "You were right about everything."
Suzaku sighed. He really should've kept his mouth shut that night. Her depression was already getting worse every year, he didn't need to add to it.
"Nunnally, from your perspective, your brother had turned into a complete monster." Suzaku tried to reason. "The way he was acting, how he threatened to destroy the world's balance…"
At his words, he empress stiffened almost imperceptibly.
"Lelouch wanted you to act the way you did. He predicted that you'd act selflessly for the sake of the world, even against him."
To his surprise, Nunnally chuckled.
"Selflessly, huh…for all the love he had for me, my brother didn't really understand me all that well." Suzaku looked at her in confusion, but she only smiled at him. "You don't get it either, do you?"
"What do you mean, Nunnally? Sacrificing your own happiness for world peace…what could be more noble?"
The empress looked at her brother's photograph, seemingly taking a moment to compose herself.
"World peace…as if there was a reason so grand behind aiming those disgusting bombs at my brother." Nunnally giggled, her apparent amusement doing nothing to hide the vicious bite in her voice. "Hey, Suzaku…what would you say if I told you that, even back then, I had been on my brother's side the whole time?"
Suzaku froze, and Nunnally looked upon him with cruel amusement.
"Surprised? I assume you would be…but it's true! I wouldn't have dared to harm my brother at the behest of those who had abandoned us as children." Her face twisted into a grim scowl that would feel right at home on Lelouch's face. "That day, if he'd just told me that he still loved me, if he asked me to believe in him one last time…"
Nunnally clenched her jaw in frustration, glaring at Suzaku as if to say that it was his fault…which it absolutely was.
"All I wanted was a hint, just one sign that he was still fighting for justice…no, that he was fighting for me, and I wouldn't have dared to put my brother's life at risk!" Her eyes turned away from him. "I was never my brother's enemy; I had been his ally from the start."
"Wait…then you didn't believe Schneizel's lies about Lelouch?" Suzaku was flabbergasted. The two boys had always assumed that Nunnally had been fooled by the blond prince, just like everyone else.
The girl in question blinked in surprise.
"You mean that ridiculous fairytale designed to paint my brother as some sort of monster in disguise?" Nunnally looked genuinely confused, and more than a little offended. "I'm astounded that you would accuse me, of all people, of believing such drivel. I thought you'd already realized that I'm not actually a naive idiot?"
...well they'd clearly been wrong about that.
"Well…you sure seemed like he had you convinced." In response to his perfectly reasonable reply, Nunnally scoffed.
"I was acting, genius; it's one of the few things I'm really any good at." She waved his whole point away rather casually. "I needed Schniezel to trust me, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to get my hands on the Damocles. If I hadn't, how could I live with myself if I'd let millions of deaths go to waste?"
Nunnally smiled sadly, while Suzaku choked on his own bile.
Nunnally knew.
She'd known that everyone in Pendragon was about to die even before it happened, and she'd let it happen so she could use it.
"You probably think I'm a monster, right? I don't blame you." Nunnally responded before the words even came to his mind. "Hate me all you want, but tell me this first: what'd you expect me to do? How was I, a weak girl with no allies or friends, supposed to stop Schniezel from killing all those people?"
Having the most powerful weapon in the world didn't change the fact that Nunnally had just been a blind, crippled girl. Somehow, that little fact had completely slipped his mind for a moment.
"They were dead from the start, and there was nothing I could've done to save them. The only option I had was to use their deaths for a…less heinous cause than Schneizel's."
Nunnally's sad smile slipped off her face. Now, she just looked exhausted.
"Believe me, Suzaku…" And he would. Whatever she said, he'd believe it without question. "If there was anything else I could've done, if I had the choice, then I would've stopped that disaster."
It filled him with shame that he'd believed otherwise, even for a second. However, there was still something he was curious about. Before he could stop himself, the words slipped out of his mouth.
"What changed? I mean…" Suzaku stopped himself from completing his stupid question, but Nunnally seemed to have figured it out anyway.
'In the end, you turned against him.'
Her eyes were full of shame.
"I…" she balled her hands in frustration, tears starting to form. "For just a moment, my faith in him wavered. I believed that my brother had lost himself I believed…" Nunnally gulped, terror filling her eyes for just a moment. "I thought the person inside his body was no longer 'him'."
And suddenly, it all clicked into place.
The reason Nunnally had aimed her weapons at the person she loved most in the world.
"Geass."
Nunnally nodded.
"I wasn't exactly sure what happened, but I thought he'd been touched by something…unnatural. I thought someone, something entirely different was in control." The empress shivered, presumably at the memory of how her brother had acted towards her.
If Suzaku hadn't seen Lelouch's condition right afterwards, he himself would've questioned if his friend had really been in control of his own actions; his act had been absolutely perfect.
"So because you thought Lelouch's mind had been eroded by Geass, you decided to kill him before he could stain his hands even further?" Nunnally nodded, looking a bit surprised that he didn't need further explanation.
'It's simple once you think about it.' he thought to himself fondly. 'You're as much of a self-sacrificing fool as your brother.'
She'd probably wanted to take his sins as her own too.
"You can't blame yourself for being tricked by your brother, Nunnally." Suzaku knew Lelouch's talents in deception better than anyone else, having been a frequent victim himself. "He knew exactly what buttons to push so you would turn against him."
"You're right, Suzaku…" Nunnally's carefully crafted mask was starting to slip, her eyes filling with shame. "Anyone would've fallen for his deceit back then."
"Right? In that case-"
"But you see, none of that changes anything!" Her eyes filled with tears as her composure finally crumbled, and the empress of Britannia started crying without reserve. "I still betrayed my brother! I lost faith in him! I cursed his very name!"
Her face was twisted with self-loathing.
"I called him a monster! I tried to murder him! And then, as if that wasn't enough…" she choked out a broken sob that sent pain through his own heart, "I drove my brother…I drove my sweet Lelouch to the brink of despair! He killed himself, and it was all my fault!"
"Nunnally, you can't blame yourself for-"
She didn't let him finish. She angrily slammed her fist down on the table, her eyes full of manic grief and open hostility.
A part of him was disturbed at how…unstable she looked.
"You don't get it, Suzaku! I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DIFFERENT!" Her voice carried immense anger. "Britannia abandoned me when I was crippled, but he was there for me! He had nothing to gain and everything to lose, yet he still sought justice for our family! I was at my lowest, less than useless, yet he still loved and cared for an unloved, unwanted and utterly worthless cripple like me!"
He could almost imagine a young Lelouch comforting a lonely and deeply hurt Nunnally, questioning the senseless cruelty of a world that tore his family apart and left his sister blind and crippled.
"Our father would've turned me into a puppet if he found us, so Lelouch set out to destroy him and his cruel empire with nothing to his name! He became Zero and put himself on the line as if his own life hadn't even mattered!"
And it had all been pointless, because when Lelouch had begged for his help, Suzaku had just pointed a gun at him and sold him off to the Emperor instead. Thanks to his own treachery, Nunnally had ended up as Charles zi Britannia's puppet anyway.
'And if that wasn't bad enough,' Suzaku lamented. 'I ended up using her as well.'
"Despite everything he did for me, he-" she choked back a sob. "Lelouch died thinking I hated him! I spent my last moments with him calling him cowardly and cruel demon; hell, I didn't even look at him till he was bleeding out in front of me!"
It was what Lelouch had wanted; for her to hate him, to denounce him as a demon, so that she could feel less grief upon his death. Even if Nunnally clearly regretted her words, even though it must've killed him on the inside, her acrid and painful words must've eased his passing.
Lelouch had died believing that his sister would never figure out his true intentions, that his plan had succeeded.
"He sacrificed everything he had to give me anything I wanted! He was my whole world, my everything, and I tossed him away like trash!"
He'd failed, of course…no such thing as a 'perfect plan' exists.
"Even when everyone pointed their fingers at him, even when the whole world turned its back on my brother, I should've believed in him! I was-" Suzaku had a hard time following her words through her hysterical sobbing, but he somehow managed. "I was supposed to be there for him when nobody was! I was supposed to give him my love when everyone else shunned him! I was supposed to be different from you; from all of you!"
Nunnally's true self, the one she hid behind the mask of a perfect empress, was truly pitiful; a weak, sickly girl held together through the power of her own force of will, merely so she could keep protecting her dead brother's final legacy.
'I helped turn her into this. She's like this because of me.'
Maybe she noticed his unintentional and unwanted pity, because she futilely tried to wipe her tears away, before giving up and crying into her palms freely.
His own hand moved towards her on reflex, but he only grazed her shoulder before she flinched back.
'Of course she doesn't want you near her, you monster.'
"Nunnally, he would never expect you to bear such a burden for him." Suzaku replied gently, hiding his own pain at her rejection. "He wanted you to live for yourself; that's the only thing your brother's ever wanted from you."
The girl continued to weep.
"Yes, I suppose he didn't expect much from me, did he…nobody ever did." his words seemed to have made things worse. "Ever since the day I was crippled…no, even before then, I've always been a burden on him. Even as he protected me from every storm, every curse…"
Her fingernails were digging into her face, leaving slight marks.
"The only way I could express my gratitude was smile for him. That's all I could ever do. And in the end, when he'd needed it most…I didn't even do that much!"
He'd hug the girl if he could, but she'd already said enough with her reaction to his touch; the last thing she'd wanted was to be near the same hands that were stained with her brother's lifeblood.
Nunnally seemingly composed herself for a moment and stared at Lelouch's photo. In her red and swollen eyes he could see some indescribable emotion that disturbed him greatly.
Idly, Suzaku saw her ruined face and noted that he'd have to send Sayoko, and nobody else, to redo her makeup.
"Lelouch, if only I could've been there for you that day, just so I could let you know how much you mean to me…how much I loved you, how much I still love you…" She gently took the photo and hugged it close to her chest, letting herself drown in her sorrow. "Ahh, I love you so much; I love you more than life itself. Onii-sama, please come back to me…please don't leave me alone…"
Her whole body was shaking like a leaf, and he could see that she was moments away from falling apart again.
Silently, he slipped his mask back on and left the room, giving the broken girl some privacy as she deliriously begged for her dead brother to come back. As he walked past the bustling crowd of the palace, he was almost glad that he'd been cursed with this mask; he didn't want anyone to see the silent tears that rolled past his eyes.
'You killed her brother, your own best friend, and helped him create a world that can't exist without its hatred for him.'
No wonder she could barely stand the sight of him.
'You helped create her own personal hell, all because you couldn't look past one crime. You left her with nothing.'
He didn't blame her for hating him; after all, he hated himself more than she ever could.
'You did this to her; to the both of them.'
But more than himself, he hated this stupid world they were stuck with.
'This wasn't worth it, Lelouch; nobody who mattered to you was able to find peace after your death!'
By the time Nunnally came back to her senses, Suzaku had already left. Not that she blamed him; delirious sobbing didn't make for great conversation. Not to mention, despite the fact that she was the one who'd called him over, a part of her hadn't really wanted to see him.
Sure, it was a conversation that obviously needed to happen sooner or later, but it didn't stop it from being an incredibly unpleasant affair that she didn't want to repeat anytime soon. Plus, she was more than a little embarrassed about her holier-than-thou sermon on 'forgiveness' when she'd almost used lethal force against him because he showed up for a meeting that she'd requested.
She really was just all talk. So much bluster, all that preaching, and she couldn't even find it within herself to forgive Suzaku for the sake of the peace Lelouch had died for.
'Not to mention,' she thought bitterly, 'it's not like I'd actually feel better if I killed him.'
Suzaku was the only person here who actually understood what she was going through; everyone else had someone or something to live for. If not, they could at least be themselves, rather than wearing the masks that everyone expected them to wear.
'Losing the people we loved most, cursed with life despite having no desire to live, working to maintain this worthless 'peace' that neither of us really cares for…' She turned her eyes towards her brother's photo. 'Onii-sama…I know you were just trying to save us, but this just feels like we're being punished for what we did to you.'
The frame was stained with her tears and, to her incredible shame, a tiny amount of snot. She hastily pulled out a napkin to clean it, not willing to leave her taint on the incredibly precious memento.
When she was certain the photo was clean, she placed it back on the table and leaned forward a bit, so she could admire Lelouch's peaceful visage for a while.
The photo in question had been from the start of Lelouch's last year in high school; the same year everything went to hell, in fact. All she'd done that year was grow enough to need a new uniform and get a step closer to high school, yet her brother looked so incredibly proud and happy that you'd think she'd personally solved world hunger, rid the world of disease and ensured world peace.
When she first saw the photo five years ago, she'd wondered if that's what a proud father looked like.
"Hey, onii-sama…don't you think it's unfair, for you to be so perfect in every way? So intelligent, so beautiful…you outshine everyone else way too much! It's not fair!" Despite her complaining words, she had a smile on her lips and genuine happiness in her voice.
Seeing the gentle happiness on her brother's face, knowing that it was all because she'd been by his side back then…it filled her with indescribable warmth.
"Hmph, I'd have to be at least this good to stand by your side; any less, and I'd be an embarrassment as your older brother!" the Lelouch in her heart replied proudly, as she pretended that the photo on her table had come to life. "Besides, you can hardly call someone 'perfect' when even a toddler can probably outrun them." The last part seemed to come out as a rather reluctant grumble.
"You have Kallen to make up for your lack of stamina, don't you?" The empress teased. "Don't think I don't know about her…and the others!" It almost felt like she could see him recoil in panic.
"Wha-?! Didn't I say that I've never had time for romance? B-besides, I do not date my subordinates!" She could imagine him huffing indignantly and looking away from her, an obvious blush on his face to let her 'know' he'd at least considered the possibility.
She was so engrossed in her 'conversation' that she hadn't even noticed Sayoko's presence in her room, makeup kit in hand. When she did spot the maid from the corner of her eye, however, it suddenly hit her that she probably look like she'd escaped from a mental institution. Slowly but surely, she pulled herself together and hid her embarrassment at being found having a minor…episode.
Gradually, the weak girl encased her heart in ice and the Angel of Britannia took her place.
"Sayoko, I'd like a bath before my next meeting, please." The 100th Empress's voice was calm yet gentle, with an open posture that didn't betray even a hint of weakness. With all the serenity and grace of an undisturbed lake, you couldn't even tell that she'd fallen apart a scant few minutes ago. Only her red and puffy eyes, along with slight fingernail marks and the obvious tear stains on her cheeks, gave the whole act away.
And soon, her capable maid would cover those up.
"As you wish, my lady." Sayoko, reliable as ever, power walked towards the empress and quietly began working on her face. Not once did she bring up the empress's breakdown; she just quietly worked to hide the signs of her lady's distress, helping weave the illusion of a kind, compassionate and strong leader. In return, Nunnally didn't question the redness around the maid's eyes, nor did she bring up the slight yet visible indicators of Sayoko's own tears.
Since bringing it up would do neither of them any good, they would just pretend that it never happened.
"License please."
Kallen suppressed a groan as yet another police officer stopped her truck at yet another high-security checkpoint. Knowing better than to argue, she fished her UFN ID from her pocket and handed it over to the portly man.
"This ain't a license, ma'am." This time, Kallen let out an audible, drawn-out and very irritated groan; she knew this was gonna take a while.
"If you bothered to open it and check inside, you'll find that I don't need one."
The man flipped the booklet open, nodded to himself and walked away with it; likely to consult someone higher-up to 'verify its authenticity'…by which she meant he would grab a donut or something and make it someone else's problem, so they could do the same thing.
She heard her radio going off and sighed.
'Great, another annoyance.'
"Hey Kallen, are we there yet?!"
"No we're not, Tamaki; in fact, we're not even close!" She snapped out at her idiot 'colleague'. "Now will you please shut up, or at least become someone else's problem for a while?"
"Jeez, fine; no need to be so snappy!" Tamaki retorted petulantly. "I'll just call Oghi or something. Unlike you guys, lil' Naoto actually appreciates his poor 'Tama-jii'!"
As much as she wished he was wrong, Oghi's kid actually loved this idiot he considered an uncle.
"Do whatever as long as you're not being a pain in my ass."
With that, she tossed the radio away and got comfortable in her seat.
'Guess all I can do is wait…'
Eventually, someone will probably bother to cross-reference her ID, realize that 'Stadtfeld' was Kallen Kozuki's birth name, and that treating her like your usual UFN butt monkey was potentially a terrible idea that may or may not cause an international incident. It could take a couple minutes, or it could take an hour…or several.
Someone honked behind her.
"OI, MOVE YER TRUCK ALREADY!"
Correction: some incredibly annoying and impatient idiot honked behind her.
"…I hate Australia."
So, here's Chapter 2! Nunnally has a nightmare, then she does some work and has a discussion with Suzaku where she tries to kill him (I swear, this isn't a usual thing for them). Kallen would rather wrestle an emu than deal with traffic and cops, which I think most people can relate to.
Overall, a pretty uneventful chapter. Enjoy the breather, because when things get going, they're really gonna…well, go.
As you might've already noticed, I've chosen to interpret Nunnally's actions aboard the Damocles in my own way. I know that she's a naive character by nature (I've actually written a version of her that would've been more in line with how she's usually portrayed) but I thought it'd be interesting to explore a different side of her character. Still, this whole chapter was enough of a mess to figure out that it's gone through four major revisions, and I'm honestly not sure of its quality anymore. Only reason I'm posting it now is because I've realized that I'll probably never be pleased with how this one turned out.
Still, I probably like this version a lot more than the other one, since it also plays strongly into Lelouch's tendency to overcomplicate everything because he just loves playing the villain. Also, if you read that part and felt like Nunnally's thoughts sounded like they were all over the place…well, that's because they were, basically. I'm not sure if I was able to pull it off, but that's the effect I was going for.
You might've noticed that we still haven't gotten to the 'time travel' bit either. Don't worry, it's coming; it's just that Nunnally's 'future' is incredibly important when it comes to her character in this story, so I really can't skip this without you guys asking a ton of questions later about why she is the way she is.
Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter. Leave a review and lemme know what you think!