CHAPTER 15: To Know or Not To Know

The doctors that worked hand in hand with the children at Sesshoumaru's hospital in Tokyo were pleased with the progress that was being made. Since their return from the States, Sesshoumaru and Kagome spent most of the daylight hours at the hospital. With their bond strengthened, the children, especially those on the main floor, were healing at a much faster rate. Now that Sesshoumaru and Kagome's auras were almost completely melded together, the children's auras were able to stabilize for longer periods of time with their help.

The couple held meditation sessions with the children in small groups or one on one depending on their needs. And through it all, Kagome and Sesshoumaru wrote their observations about theirs and the children's progress.

The children on the highest floor of the hospital were making progress but at a much slower rate than those below and still it brought them a measure of hope and peace that Sesshoumaru had not felt in many decades. Although some progress was good, Kagome wondered why the process was so much slower and brought her concerns to Sesshoumaru.

He explained, "In the past, our pups were free to roam, free to be themselves. Here, they must restrain their nature to protect themselves and those around them. They have not received the training nor the examples they needed to learn the balance of power."

Kagome digested all Sesshoumaru told her and turned in his lap, where she was currently sitting. "How hard was the training? What kinds of things did you have to learn?"

Sesshoumaru tensed against her back. "Most are born in their youkai form and keep that form until they are able to control their youki. Once the pup has learned how to control and manipulate their youki, the next challenge and level of strength comes when attaining a humanoid form."

Kagome snuggled into his warm embrace and stroked his arm with her fingertips. "So how long does it normally take youkai to settle into a humanoid form?"

Sesshoumaru was silent as he dug through his memories for a time when he had seen youkai children. "I estimate the more powerful youkai take up to twenty human years."

"Is that fast for youkai?"

"Generally," Sesshoumaru answered. "There were some who attained their upright form sooner but the average is twenty years or longer."

Kagome leaned her head into the crook of Sesshoumaru's neck and asked, "and how long did it take you?" When he didn't answer right away, Kagome turned to look at him. "Longer than twenty years?"

He snorted. "One week."

Kagome heard the quiet pride and playful offense in his voice. "One week? When it takes others two decades?"

"It took my sire two months to take his form. My grandsire took form in six months. It was unheard of. Many feared him when he was a pup. There were quite a few attempts at his life."

She was in awe of the power of his line. To have achieved a powerful humanoid form in such a record time was unbelievable! The teasing twinkle appeared in her eye and she leaned her head back. "So, in your family it's more of a genetic thing than it is about needing to control your strength. That's some pretty interesting genetics-"

Kagome felt the growl before she heard it and her skin prickled. "You dare mock me, woman?"

She rolled her head to the side and kissed his neck. "Only when you're in a good mood."

His growl shifted into lower and more soothing vibrations and his claws pricked her thighs through her jeans. He was about to feast on her neck, that tantalizing stretch of skin that had been teasing him for quite some time when there was an knock on his office door.

"Enter."

The raccoon demoness, Nissa, walked through the door. "You sent for me, milord?"

"Yes, have a seat." Sesshoumaru motioned to one of the chairs around his desk. He appreciated the fact that Nissa's scent was free of fear or hesitation. She was a little curious about her reason for being in his office. Nissa didn't even know Sekiguchi-sama had an office let alone where it was. She had almost been late trying to find the darn place.

"Nissa. You work closely with the children on the highest floor. In your opinion and observations, how is their progression?"

The demoness was silent for a while before answering. "May I be open with you, sir?"

"Always."

Nissa's eyes shot to Kagome's and then back to Sesshoumaru's. "Since you have returned from Seattle, the children's progress has been exponential. As you know, I can read auras and the strength of your bond," she nodded to him and Kagome, "especially having been forged so quickly, has sped up the process of healing. I'm not sure if you've noticed but the crystals grow brighter since your return. I believe that has to do with your bond almost being complete and because of that ring on Kagome-sama's finger. It gives the same energy that Tessaiga does."

"You are correct in your theory of energy source."

Nissa nodded. "I assume that ring was made from your fang as Tessaiga was reforged with another of your fangs?"

"Correct."

The female raccoon thought a bit more before adding, "I believe your fangs communicate and share power between themselves. Kagome-sama's power also feeds the crystals through her ring." Then with a more tentative gaze at her employer, Nissa asked, "Milord, do you not wish to hear the children's progress from the medical staff?"

Sesshoumaru's lip curled slightly in distaste before he schooled his features. "You have a bond with the children that runs deeper than any of my staff. You will tell me what I need to know to benefit the children."

"And the other staff won't?" Kagome turned her head to look at Sesshoumaru. She couldn't imagine that his staff wouldn't tell him such important information.

"They will tell me what they think I want to hear."

Kagome grinned, mischief plain in her eyes. "Well, it's no wonder you came looking for me. With our history, you knew I wouldn't hesitate to tell you what I think, regardless if you want my opinion or not."

A huff and the brightening in his eyes was all the amusement he allowed to show. "Perhaps, I did not think my plan through before approaching you. Perhaps, I was...a little hasty."

"How about desperate?"

Sesshoumaru scoffed. "Hardly."

"Hmph," Kagome playfully pouted. "You're just lucky I'm in a good mood, mister, and lucky that I'm not hungry. Otherwise, I might just have to make you pay for that statement."

Nissa had never seen the playful side of her lord and frankly, it made her quite uncomfortable to see such familiarity and intimate play between an otherwise stoic demon. Logically, she knew that dog demons were very affectionate and playful with their mates but it was still intimidating to be allowed to witness such a thing without being pack.

She quietly stood from her seat and made her way to the door, relieved that she could leave without being noticed but she should have known better.

"Nissa."

"Yes, milord?"

"Your dedication to our children is much appreciated." Nissa turned to face her lord, all the while trying to hide her blush but he didn't notice because he was looking at the woman on his lap. "I have been remiss in showing you how I value you." He cleared his throat and turned his golden gaze on her. His eyes held that commanding look that no one ever quite got over or could hide from.

"As of today, you will receive a raise. I also have a small parcel of land that borders a protected youkai forest that will be signed over to you. It would be a good place for your pack to settle. I have much respect for you and your mate. Without the strength of your bond, you would not be able to provide comfort to the children. The strength of your pack will also strengthen the land and with your tanuki magic, the protection spells over the youkai forest will also be strengthened."

It was almost too much for Nissa to process.

"M...milord?"

Kagome's smile was warm and so full of affection. "Why don't you take the rest of the day off, Nissa. Tomorrow, we'll meet here with Sesshoumaru's lawyers and sign over the caretaker's parcel to you."

Nissa's large brown eyes watered. "Thank you, milord. Thank you,"

"That is not all, Nissa."

Her large raccoon eyes grew larger. "More, milord?"

As if discussing the weather, Sesshoumaru added, "You will also choose a house to be constructed on the property that I will pay for. There is a caretaker's cottage, which you may keep and re-purpose, but the house must have a minimum of six rooms-"

Nissa gasped. "Six rooms."

"Fine. Eight."

"Eight?" Nissa grabbed her chest in shock. Who was this demon and what happened to Sesshoumaru-sama?

Sesshoumaru mock-sighed. "If eight is too many, I suppose you may consider the den a room."

Nissa sniffled and bowed stiffly to her lord. "Milord, you have my eternal gratitude."

He waved his hand at her. "Enough, Nissa. You have earned it. For such loyal service all these centuries, it is the least I can do. You talk this over with your mate. I will expect him to visit me with your chosen house plans."

"Yes, milord. Right away, milord."

It was the largest smile he had ever seen on the old raccoon's face and it warmed a small part of him.

"That is all, Nissa. Kagome and I will be here tonight. We will watch over the pups. We will see you tomorrow."

Nissa bowed and thanked them profusely until she was on the other side of the office door. Kagome adjusted herself so she was sitting with her legs off to one side and hit the small button on his desk that locked the office door.

"You are such a generous lord who takes very good care of his people."

Sesshoumaru's lips quirked. "I have a very generous soon-to-be-mate who clouds my mind with kisses until she gets her way."

Kagome slid her fingers through the strands of silver at his temple and tucked his hair behind an ear. Her eyes softened and filled with tears. "I still have a hard time believing how you feel about me. I feel like this is all a dream. But asleep or awake, Sesshoumaru, I love you with all the reiki...and youki that flows through my body. I love you with everything that I am."

"And I you."

It wasn't the typical three words every woman wanted to hear, but because of whose mouth those words came out of and the burning gold eyes that told her exactly what she meant to him, Kagome's heart melted at the confession.

S ~ K ~ S ~ K ~ S ~ K ~ S ~ K

Over the last week, Kagome had noticed the oddest thing. Sesshoumaru had been losing control of himself. Where he was always controlled in his reactions and responses, he was...less so, to the point that Kagome thought that he had contracted some weird youkai illness or something. And what was even more out of character was when Kagome had brought it up one night before going to bed, he had snapped at her. His eyes glowed red, he raised his voice at her, which had never happened before, and then he turned away from her, refusing to hold her in his arms as was their sleep routine. Forget any sort of physical affection. It had Kagome tied in knots. The children at the hospital picked up on the underlying tension and some had actually regressed, which made frustrations raise even higher.

But it wasn't until Kagome was talking to him and gently laid her hand on his forearm that he did something he'd never done before. Sesshoumaru hadn't been facing her when she made contact and the moment that her skin touched his, his hackles rose, his youki snapped in the air like lightening and he let out the scariest growl she had ever heard. Ever.

It felt like a slap in the face. But what had shocked her most of all about the event was the thread of fear that slipped into her heart. Due to instincts honed in the Sengoku Jidai, Kagome slowly removed her hand from his person and backed away even slower, trying her best not to make any quick movements that would turn his predatory attention on her. Luckily, no one was near his office this late at night. Kagome slipped out from the open office door and quietly walked at a normal speed until she came to the elevator. She was about to press the button that would take her to the garage but then it hit her. The elevator chime. He would hear it when it arrived at their floor. Instead she opted for the stairs that would take her out to the private parking. At first, Kagome wanted to head to the reception area where there were more people, but if something was wrong with Sesshoumaru, she knew he would hate for others to see any weakness, large or small.

When she was safely on a lower floor, Kagome jumped in the elevator and punched the buttons for the garage. She put up a barrier to block any sound and punched a number into her phone.

A groggy voice answered.

"Shippo?"

She heard him yawn. He had probably been asleep. "Mama?"

"Shippo. I need your help. Something's wrong with Sesshoumaru."

Immediately, all traces of exhaustion were gone. "What's wrong? What happened?"

Tears clogged Kagome's throat as she quickly explained what had been happening.

Shippo shook his head, happy that neither Kagome nor Sesshoumaru could see him doing so. Leave it to Sesshoumaru to forget that Kagome wasn't familiar with demon customs. She had no idea that Sesshoumaru's instincts were going out of whack because of the unfinished bond.

"I don't know what I did. I've tried to think of what I said or did these past couple weeks that could have set him off-"

Shippo sighed. "It's not you, Kagome. It's Sesshoumaru."

Kagome's caring nature came to the forefront, immediately worried for her soon-to-be-mate. "What is it? Are you sure it's him?"

"I'm sure, momma. Hold on, let me go out to the parlor and I'll explain to you what I think is happening."

"Okay," Kagome said. "I tried asking him what was wrong. He wouldn't tell me. He's always answered any questions I have." She hated crying, even in private, but after how smooth everything had been going and then to suddenly be shut out was quite an emotional shock to the young miko.

"Alright, I'm in the parlor. What I think is happening is that Sesshoumaru has been fighting his instincts."

"You mean his youkai side doesn't want me?"

"No, Kagome. Quite the opposite. What do you know about demons and our youkai sides?"

There was silence while Kagome gathered her thoughts and organized her memories. "I know that higher level youkai can hold humanoid forms with a few signs of their power or youkai sides showing through. Higher level youkai when threatened lean more on their instinctual side and can transform into their natural form."

"And what do you know of the youkai or the more instinctual side?"

"Not much, I'm afraid."

Shippo went over the past two weeks with Kagome again, getting angrier with every hiccup and sob he heard through the earpiece of his phone. Sesshoumaru should have been the one to bring this up with Kagome, not that he wasn't happy to help.

But then again, this was Sesshoumaru he was talking about.

"Okay. While you were in Seattle, you fully bonded your auras, right?" This better not have been an exercise of will-power on Sesshoumaru's part.

"Yes. It was also the night he officially asked me to become his mate."

"Alright. In traditional youkai custom, the bonding of auras and consummation of mates usually happens in the same night. Now, in all my life, I have never heard of or known of any youkai who have not completed the bond within three days."

Kagome's silence made Shippo nervous. "Kagome?"

Her voice was soft when she replied. "Why do you think he's waited, Shippo? Do you think he changed his mind about...us? Me?"

Ah, this was where the worry was. Even after all these years, the emotional scars that Inuyasha left Kagome with were still somewhat raw. And it seemed that through ignorance, Sesshoumaru wasn't doing a very good job at helping her to heal from them.

"Kagome, you can say that you and I know Sesshoumaru fairly well, right?"

"Yes."

"And we both know that Sesshoumaru doesn't do anything that he doesn't want to do, right?"

"Right," she agreed. "But Shippo, he...when I touched him, his eyes turned red and he growled at me and turned away. I-I don't think I could survive this again."

By this, she meant a betrayal similar to Inuyasha's one.

Her voice took on an icy and dead tone when she asked, "is he seeing someone else?"

Shippo gasped. He could understand why she would jump to that conclusion but it still shocked him. "Don't ever let him hear you say that, Kagome. Sesshoumaru may be a complete ignorant ass but he isn't a liar. Inuyoukai are the most loyal of all of us."

"Don't I know it."

Shippo wanted to throttle Kagome and Sesshoumaru even more. Then thinking about how much Sesshoumaru suffered over the years and all that Rin had taught him, the fox demon had an inkling of why the daiyoukai was acting as he was.

"He isn't rejecting you, Kagome. He's trying to give you space and time."

"For what?"

"Because you're human. Humans are more uncertain in their feelings. Once a daiyoukai, and especially a canine daiyoukai makes up his mind, it's a done deal, it's forever. There is no more thinking. But when he raised Rin, he learned that humans required more time, had to sift through more emotions before things became solid. He is trying to be considerate of you and your feelings. He knows that things have been kind of on the fast track for you and doesn't want you to feel like he's totally dominated you and coerced you into something you may not feel ready to solidify."

"But I am ready. I said yes, didn't I?"

Shippo chuckled. She was indignant now, which was a good sign. The sound of bells trickled through the phone along with soft music and voices he didn't recognize.

"Kagome, where are you?"

"Oh! Um...hehehe. It looks like my feet had a mind of their own. I'm in the Chinese diner down the street from the hospital. I guess I needed to get away for a minute. Didn't want the kids to pick up on my aura. It wasn't too good."

Shippo's phone vibrated in his hand. Kagome was loud enough that with his hearing, he didn't need to hold it up to his ear. He looked at it and his heart stopped for a brief second when he saw Sesshoumaru's name on the caller ID. The things he did for family.

"Listen, Kagome. I have to take this call. Just sit there for a moment and calm down. Buy yourself some dumplings, since I know how much you love them. Drink some sweet tea and then head back when you feel better, okay?"

"Alright. Thanks Shippo."

"And Kagome?"

"Yeah?"

"Sesshoumaru can be a little thick. Let him know that you're ready to complete the bond and you probably won't have any more issues with him."

"Thanks for everything, Shippo. I love you."

"I love you too, momma."

Shippo accepted Sesshoumaru's phone call and was greeted with a growl. "Kit."

S ~ K ~ S ~ K ~ S ~ K ~ S ~ K

It was getting harder and harder to hold back and not follow his instincts to complete the mating with Kagome. After his declaration to have her become his mate and binding their auras, she had not let him know that she was ready for the final part.

Consummation.

Every breath of her scent, every brush of her reiki set his blood aflame and it took every ounce of willpower he had to not find a quiet, secluded place and completely devour her the way he had wanted to since they reconnected after her return from the past.

Sesshoumaru had felt her confusion grow through their bond and knew he was not making it better, but he did not want to push her into something she was not ready for. He tried not to breathe often when she was around as her scent would drive him mad. He tried to keep his distance physically and every time he did, he could feel her pulling further and further away. Kagome knew he was a demon but since the completion of their aura bond, she devastated his senses to the point that he nearly lost control of himself and the last thing he wanted to do was hurt and scare her.

She had approached him in the office. Luckily he had heard her coming and turned away from the door, pretending to be busy with something. He ignored her when she called his name, holding his breath so he couldn't smell her sweet scent or let it fog his mind. When she touched his arm, Sesshoumaru's blood thickened into lava in his veins and his instinctual side pulled to the forefront, intent on pulling the miko into his arms and finishing what they had started over two weeks ago.

His vision bled red and he could feel the chains on his beast loosening dangerously fast. The youkai would know no boundaries. He would only take what he wanted.

And he wanted his mate.

Sesshoumaru growled as a last defense and as a warning for the beast to remain still. Obeying his urges would scare the priestess and would set them back. The battle to remain in control was so fierce that Sesshoumaru did not notice Kagome had left the office until it was too late.

When he was finally in control of himself again, he smelled her tears. He smelled that small slip of fear behind the tears and rejection. What had he done?

He stormed out of his office, throwing the door open, slamming it against the wall and cracking the drywall. Luckily, he wouldn't have to threaten anyone into silence. The office was empty. More importantly, Kagome's scent was gone. There was no trace of it. She was hiding, afraid of him, and that hurt him more than anything else could have.

Kagome had never feared him. Not the day they met in his father's tomb, not when he sprayed her with his viscous acid or every other time they met up during the shard hunt. But she feared him now.

Pain shot through his chest in the general vicinity of his heart and it stopped him in his tracks. Her pain. He imagined this is what it felt like to be stabbed with Bakusaiga. He tried to reach out to her, to show her how sorry he was. The agony and loneliness were immediate when he realized he couldn't feel her emotions pouring through their bond like it normally did. She had shut herself off.

It took everything he had to stumble back into his office and slide into his chair. His hand shook for the first time since his virgin kill as a youth when he reached for his cell phone. He dialed her number. No answer. He dialed again and was sent straight to voicemail.

Panic set in. For a second, Sesshoumaru thought wryly, 'this is what I get for choosing a human for a mate.' He had finally gotten used to her wild emotions and learned what it was like to allow himself the full swing of them. To be cut off so drastically felt like a punch in the gut. He experienced something else for the second time. Rejection. And it stung worse than anything else.

He called her again but her phone went straight to voicemail again. Inuyasha would gnaw this bone to the ground if he were still alive. Since no one was around to witness it, Sesshoumaru lay his forehead on his desk and took a few moments to breathe through the physical pain he felt at being shut out. Once he regained his strength, he would search her out.

With his mind a little clearer, Sesshoumaru stood and walked to the elevator to track Kagome down. No scent. Damn. Who taught her how to do that? He checked the stairs next and scented nothing again. When the daiyoukai pushed his aura out, he felt nothing and was truly worried. He tried her phone again and it rang a couple times before it was sent to voicemail. It eased his mind somewhat to know that she was rejecting his calls because it meant she was getting them but then he began to worry about her safety. Where was she?

If Kagome was mad or hurt, there was really only one person that she would turn to. Sesshoumaru swallowed his pride and dialed the number of the one person he knew would know where she was.

Shippo accepted Sesshoumaru's phone call and was greeted with a growl. "Kit."

S ~ K ~ S ~ K ~ S ~ K ~ S ~ K

"Lose something, Sesshoumaru?"

Another growl ripped through the phone and Shippo did his best not to react to the panicked feeling in his gut at hearing that sound directed at him.

"Where is she?" Sesshoumaru sounded almost feral, a sound Shippo hadn't heard in a very long time.

"Shouldn't you be asking her that?"

"She did not answer my calls."

Taking a page from Inuyasha's book, Shippo answered, "probably because you're being an idiot."

"You dare take that tone with me, kitsune?"

Then in a voice as respectful as he could make it sound, Shippo answered, "Yes, Sesshoumaru-sama. You have hurt my momma worse than your brother has and I had to spend the last twenty minutes calming her down and trying to explain inuyoukai instincts to her, something you should have done."

"Hurt her?"

"She thinks you rejected her, something not even your idiot brother has done. You threatened banishment when she touched you and tried to figure out why you were acting so cold and standoffish with her. Kagome is as inuyoukai as a human can be, Sesshoumaru." He paused, not knowing whether or not he should tell Sesshoumaru what she had asked. Shippo decided it was better that he knew where she was coming from. "She asked me if you were seeing someone else."

Shippo wasn't sure he wanted Sesshoumaru to know that but he decided that the daiyoukai needed to amend things and quickly if he wanted to save his relationship.

"What!" Sesshoumaru shouted into the phone.

Shippo's anger surfaced as well. "Well, what was she supposed to think when you rejected her touch? When all the intimacy you showed her suddenly came to a screeching halt? She thinks that like Inuyasha, you didn't want her. You better fix this and fast, Sesshoumaru, because if you don't, you won't have a mate come morning."

"You dare threaten me and mine?" Those lower tones of his youkai voice returned.

"No, Sesshoumaru-sama. I am telling you what will happen if you continue to keep away from your mate. I told Kagome you were trying to be thoughtful and patient, that you were waiting for her to tell you that she was ready to finish the mating. Did you even ask her if that's what she wanted?"

"Where is she, kit?"

Shippo knew he was pushing his luck and that Rin might find herself without a mate in the morning instead of Sesshoumaru.

"She's at the Chinese diner down the street-"

The phone went silent before the busy dial tone filled the silence of the night.

"And I'm supposed to be the young, inexperienced youkai." Shippo headed back to his room and curled up behind his mate. He kissed her on the back of the head and wrapped his strong arms around her, taking in her scent, the scent of home. "I don't know how we ever got mated with Sesshoumaru in the picture." He was asleep in seconds with the scent of his mate settling him into rest but not before sending a silent prayer to whichever gods would listen.

S ~ K ~ S ~ K ~ S ~ K ~ S ~ K

Hello readers! I apologize (like Sesshoumaru will have to apologize to Kagome) for taking so long to get this chapter out. It's been almost a year and a half since the last update. Thanks to all of you who have reviewed. You are the best and played such a huge role in this chapter coming out when it did. Please enjoy this chapter!

Echo