Author's Notes
Slightly non-linear, but not enough to warrant a major note.
Chapter 3: Commitment
Severus I
Saturday, 5 June 1976
Severus woke up at 5 AM, after spending the remainder of the previous day skimming and gaining knowledge from Professor Snape. The headaches during these sessions varied. The more familiar he was with what he learned, the less severe the headaches grew; meanwhile, subjects in which he was less familiar resulted in mind-searing pain. Fortunately for him, no one witnessed his episodes, nor was he followed by Potter and his gang, much to his relief.
As Severus sat up and swung his legs out of bed, he felt dizzy. He closed his eyes and steadied his breathing.
You must be fatigued from yesterday.
Possibly. I think the gravity of the situation's finally hit me.
Yes, shock is very likely. Now then, shower and dress. And brush your teeth.
Again?
It hasn't escaped my memory that we were once diligent in our hygiene when we began attending Hogwarts. Your mental state is no excuse for tapering off of necessary habits.
Severus nodded and stood, swaying slightly before regaining his balance. He retrieved his clothes and went to shower and dress, before brushing his teeth. So… today's the day.
Today is a day. I wouldn't assume this to be a decisive day, if I were you. It will take time for reconciliation, but you can at least start.
Right…. Still, I have to be happy that she even agreed to begin with. Better than I can say for you.
Professor Snape didn't respond.
… I'm sorry, that was uncalled for.
No, you're right. Your current standing is better than my own, if only just. Believe me when I say that this meeting is very important to me.
As important as the one with Dumbledore?
From an objective standpoint, meeting Dumbledore is our priority. However, from a personal standpoint…. Professor Snape trailed off.
I'll do my best not to bugger it up. Severus spat out the tooth powder and rinsed. Should we go to the library in the meantime?
Are you well enough? You almost collapsed this morning.
We can wait for a time, if you wish. Breakfast won't be ready until later, anyway. Do you fancy anything? Actually… Can you taste anything?
My senses are bound to yours. Just as I can see through your eyes, I can taste what you eat.
Then… how is it you can't feel my headaches?
I am unsure. If it's unrelated to your body, perhaps it is of your mind?
Are you saying I'm going mad?!
Again, I am unsure. We may need to further develop our Occlumency.
How would we do that?
Legilimency, obviously. When we sleep next, we will work together to improve our defenses. If we can Occlude whatever this affliction is, your headaches should dissipate.
Professor Snape's suggestion made sense to Severus, but he was still unsure if this was the right approach. But given that the professor had two decades of experience exceeding his own, Severus decided to trust him. I've been wondering something….
Ask.
Will we just be developing our Occlumency, or will we also be doing other things? You mentioned training, but-
It has only been one day. Naturally, your training will take time. However, I can assure you that I fully plan on teaching you other things.
Severus nodded. Of course…. Someone's in the common room.
How do you know?
I don't.
I see. Thank you for enlightening me. Ten points to Slytherin.
I want to check. Severus began walking out of the bathroom, until he felt a sluggish sensation in his limbs. He barely caught himself on a nearby counter.
Perhaps you should rest.
No, I'm fine. I'll sit down in the common room.
Assuming you don't collapse on the way.
Severus took a few minutes to control his breathing, and he felt the sensation dissipate as he began moving his extremities around for better blood flow. Confidently, he regained his footing and continued on, out of the bathroom and making his way to the common room.
Regulus was once again sitting on the couch, once again reading. He turned his head in Severus's direction, and he said, "Good morning. You seemed to have slept in."
"Barely," Severus replied. He sat down on another couch.
"Progress is progress," Regulus replied. "I have confidence that you'll work your way back into a healthy sleep cycle."
Severus relaxed on the couch. "Hopefully. I felt a bit dizzy when I woke up."
"Really? Are you alright?"
"Not sure. Yesterday, Madam Pomfrey told me nothing was wrong with me, but I was having headaches."
"I see." Regulus allowed for silence to fill the room. "Snape, I was meaning to ask you if you were busy this summer, but I never had the chance to elaborate."
"Elaborate on what?"
"Lucius and Cousin Cissy are throwing a party at Malfoy Manor, although the exact time and date are yet to be determined. Naturally, my entire family, excluding certain individuals, will be attending."
Severus was confused. He had no reason to believe he and Regulus were that close of friends, despite their rapport. "I'm surprised I'm being invited."
"Of course." Regulus crossed one leg over the other as he continued reading. "Under normal circumstances, such an invitation would be unlikely. However, Lucius speaks highly of you, and so you will be attending as his guest."
Lucius never invited me to this party before. I have no idea why this is happening.
"What's the occasion?" Severus asked.
"I believe it to be a simple social gathering. However, if you are to be indisposed on account of staying at Hogwarts over the summer…." Regulus let the words die on his tongue.
"That's not certain," Severus answered. "The headmaster hasn't yet agreed to meet with me."
"I see…. In that case, if you find yourself unable, neither Lucius nor myself will take offense. Also, I have written to Lucius regarding Cokeworth, so this should clear up that misunderstanding." Regulus had a crooked smirk on his lips. "I have to admit, it was rather funny."
Severus nodded. "Well, it's good it's sorted out."
"Snape, will you be attending the end-of-the-year dinner party Slughorn's hosting?"
Severus was taken aback by the sudden non-sequitur. He answered, "I've chosen not to attend."
"I assume it's related to Evans?"
Severus reluctantly nodded.
"I see…. This is the best option, I believe. While I believe Evans should be the one to miss the party, I can see no reason for you to put yourself through unnecessary difficulties, considering your current health."
Severus said nothing, only taking a deep breath.
"If this conversation upsets you-"
"No worries," Severus quickly said. "I can manage it at my own pace."
"Good." Regulus turned the page. "One must shoulder one's burdens."
The next few hours were awkward and silent. Severus sat and relaxed while Regulus sat and read. Eventually, Severus stood and dismissed himself to go to breakfast, with Regulus giving him a curt nod.
Severus briskly walked out of the common room, and he could feel butterflies in his stomach. But as excited as he was, he couldn't help but feel something deep in the pit of his stomach: dread. If past conversations with Lily were anything to go by, he had doubts she would listen to him. Then again, since he had agreed to meet with him, maybe she would be more receptive?
Severus arrived in the Great Hall and quickly ate some eggs and a bit of sausage, washing it down with some water before standing to-
As Severus stood, an owl dropped a letter in front of him. He picked it up and inspected it to find it wasn't from Lucius. He quickly opened it, finding a small quill inside, and scanned the letter's contents:
S.S.
Licorice Wands
7:30 Tonight
Return to sender if unavailable.
A.P.W.B.D.
Lily I
Lily had brought a notebook and quill with her to lunch. Professor Slughorn had tasked her with choosing not just the hors d'oeuvres, but all the food for the party. Fortunately, she had a perfect assistant to help her with her decisions.
"Meatballs," Remus answered.
"I have that already."
"That's for entrees. I mean meatballs on toothpicks."
Lily looked over her notes. The current hors d'oeuvres consisted of canapes, miniature quiches, an assortment of vegetables and dip, deviled eggs, and tongue toast. "Are you sure I need more?"
"Positive. Variety keeps the party alive." Remus was helping himself to a large wedge of cheese. "Oh, also, include cheese on crackers."
"Why does it seem like we're planning this party for you?"
"Am I not invited?" Remus grinned cheekily.
Lily sighed sarcastically. "Fine, you can come. Speaking of which, it's to be held this coming Saturday at about 7:00."
"The 12th?"
"Can you not make it?"
"I'll try," Remus said hesitantly.
"What's stopping you?" Lily noticed Remus was eating more slowly.
"Well… I'm not sure how I feel about going, to be honest."
"Why not? You haven't had a problem before."
"I know, but… recently, I haven't enjoyed crowds." Remus was picking the wedge of cheese apart. "Not sure why, but I feel trapped."
Lily rubbed his shoulder. "Don't force yourself to go if you don't want to. I'll save some food for you, alright?"
Remus nodded with a small smile on his face. He grabbed a pickled onion and popped it in his mouth. "Oh, pickled foods are also good."
"You and your appetite." Lily took a bite out of her sandwich as she turned her attention back to the pages. "By the way, how come you're not with Dumbledore right now? Didn't he send for you?"
"He did, but I don't have to go until later tonight. I think it's because I'm a Prefect."
"That makes sense." Potter, Black, and Pettigrew had been called in to Dumbledore's office at about noon, although she was unsure why until Remus told her they were receiving letters from their families regarding… the incident. "Do you think any of them are getting Howlers?"
Remus shifted uncomfortably. "Probably. I hope I don't."
As they were speaking, Mary MacDonald sat next to Lily. "Afternoon, Lily! Remus!"
"Mary," Remus said, smiling.
"Are you planning that dinner party still?" Mary peeked at the pages marked with ink. "Hmm… I don't like whatever 'tongue toast' is."
"It's exactly what it sounds like," Lily replied, smirking. "You can thank Remus for that."
"You're welcome," Remus said. "Although, I'm more partial to beef tartar."
"Isn't that raw meat?" Mary wore a disgusted expression on her face.
"It is, yes," Lily said. "An acquired taste, I'm sure."
"So, what happens after you decide on the menu?"
"Slughorn wants to meet with me in his office to go over the menu. I should be done by about…." Lily trailed off as she thought. She was supposed to meet with Slughorn at about 6:30, but knowing him…. "... actually, I'm not too sure how long it will take. Yesterday, we went over his ideas for food-"
"Why would you ask for my help?" Remus looked confused.
"He wanted me to make my own menu so we could go over our differences. Knowing him, he might just combine both our ideas without cutting anything."
"I'm surprised you don't just send him an owl with your ideas."
"We agreed it would be better if we met in-person."
"Speaking of owls," Mary interjected. "Could I borrow yours, Remus? I want to send a letter tonight."
"Let me guess," Remus said. "Cattermole?"
Mary's face reddened. "There's nothing wrong with Reggie."
"Mary, you barely knew him," Lily said. "And putting aside the fact he was a Hufflepuff, he's too old for you."
"Six years isn't too old," Mary retorted. "My parents are ten years apart."
"Yes, but I highly doubt they were interested in one another while one of them was still in school." Remus had started building a third cheese and pickle sandwich. "You should understand that he may feel uncomfortable about receiving love letters from you."
"I have to agree with Remus," Lily said. "You could at least wait until you reach your majority."
"But what if he moves on?" Mary sniffed as she began rolling her napkin in her lap.
"I… to be perfectly frank, without meaning to sound cruel, moving on would imply the two of you are together in the first place."
"Why not think about someone closer to your age?" Lily asked. "Maybe Creevey?"
"Creevey looks weird," Mary replied, sniffing again.
Lily raised an eyebrow. "No offense, Mary, but Cattermole looks like a ferret."
"Does not!" Mary shot her a look, and Lily was almost taken aback by the intensity. "He's… it's a charming look."
Godric, give me strength. "Does he respond to any of your letters?"
Mary shook her head slowly.
"I believe that's some sort of sign," Remus said. "Give it some time, wait it out. If, by seventh year, you feel the same way, then by all means continue."
Reluctantly, Mary said, "Okay." She continued looking down at her lap.
"You have plenty of time," Lily said, rubbing her back. "Don't worry about it."
As they ate, an owl dropped a letter onto Lily's notebook. She opened it and read the contents.
Saturday, 5 June 1976
Dear Lily,
Can we move our meeting to 7:30? I'm afraid the headmaster and I will be speaking at our original time. I've attached a blank note for you to respond with. The owl will deliver it.
Sincerely,
Horace
Lily quickly thought about the request and scrawled a response before tying it to the owl's leg. The owl took off and flew out.
"What was that for?" Mary asked.
"It was something to do with Slughorn's party," Lily replied. "Anyway, next is reviewing options for dinner…."
Remus I
For some reason, Dumbledore had altered their scheduled meeting time from 6:30 to 5:30. According to the letter he had received, the time had been changed on account of a meeting involving Slughorn and finding a suitable location for the Slug Club party. It didn't bother Remus too much, as he actually preferred the change. This meant he could arrive at dinner before everyone else, which meant he had a head start on taking food.
The 12th…. Remus hadn't expected Lily's answer. He always wanted to go to one of Slughorn's parties, but he had never had a chance due to Lily always choosing to go with Snape. He had thought, now that Snape was out of the picture, that he could attend. But of course, Slughorn had decided on the night of the full moon.
Well, there's always next year.
Remus arrived in front of the gargoyle and spoke the password to enter, and the gargoyle obliged. He had never understood Dumbledore's obsession with sweets; chocolate, he could fully understand, but anything other than chocolate was too sweet. He eventually entered Dumbledore's office and sat down at the headmaster's desk, looking around at the portraits of past headmasters.
Dumbledore appeared, seemingly out of nowhere. "Mr. Lupin," Dumbledore said. "Thank you for coming." He sat down at his desk, and he asked, "Lemon Drop?"
"No thank you, Headmaster," Remus replied. "A bit sweet for my taste."
"Apologies…. Now then, are you aware of my reason for summoning you to my office?"
Remus thought for a moment. "Is this in relation to the incident at the Black Lake?"
"It is." Dumbledore rested his hands on the table. "And are you aware of your duties as a Prefect?"
Remus nodded. "Yes, sir."
As Remus answered, Professor McGonagall entered from behind, walking up to the desk. "Forgive me for being late; I was preoccupied with Professor Slughorn."
"You have nothing to worry about," Dumbledore replied. "We have only just started." He turned back to Remus. "Where were we?"
"My duties as a Prefect."
"Indeed." Dumbledore looked directly into Remus's eyes. "Mr. Lupin, before we continue, I would like to say that you are not being punished."
Remus was unsure how to respond. "I'm… not sure I understand."
Dumbledore said, "I had requested that you become a Prefect not because of your aptitude for the role, but because of your relationship with Mr. Potter, Black, and Pettigrew. I had believed that, of all the Gryffindor boys of your year, you had the best chance of subduing your friends. It would seem that, unfortunately, that is not the case."
"It is not entirely the headmaster's fault," McGonagall added. "I should have been instructing you on how to perform your duties, but I had instead left such a task to your peers."
"Forgive me for interrupting," Remus said, "but… shouldn't I still receive some form of punishment? Regardless of the circumstances, I accepted the role, so I would still be responsible for my mistakes."
There was a pause in the conversation.
Dumbledore replied, "I'm not saying you aren't responsible. However, due to the nature of your appointment, you are not to be punished. Instead, we will be giving you an option."
"An option?"
"Yes," McGonagall replied. "If you wish, you may elect to step down from your role as Prefect. No points will be taken from Gryffindor, and you will not receive detention; in addition, we will not be writing to your parents regarding the incident."
"If that's one option," Remus said, "what's the other option?"
"The other option," Dumbledore answered, "would be for you to retain your role as Prefect, and this time work to fulfill your obligations to the school and to its students. May I see your badge for a moment?"
Remus nodded and removed it from his robe, handing it to Dumbledore.
Dumbledore took out his wand and said, "Priori Memoria. Remus Lupin." Dumbledore's eyes flickered for a moment, before looking up at Remus. "Yes, it would seem you have much to improve."
Remus was confused by the badge. "Headmaster… What was that spell?"
"Ah, it's a spell I've developed to work with Prefect badges." Dumbledore handed the badge back to Remus. "It reveals everything the wearer of the badge has experienced through their senses. Only the headmaster and the House Heads may use this particular charm."
Remus froze. "I see." He handled the badge, looking it over and tracing the grooves.
McGonagall said, "You will have to come to a decision regarding your status soon."
"I'll continue." Remus didn't know where the words had come from, but there they were. "I'll do better from now on."
"Very good." Dumbledore's eyes were smiling. "And Mr. Lupin, I would appreciate your help in keeping the nature of your badges a secret."
"Of course, Headmaster."
"Dismissed."
Remus stood and nodded to both Dumbledore and McGonagall before leaving, walking down the flight of stairs and passed the gargoyle. Well, that went better than expected.
Severus II
Severus was pacing back and forth in the boys' dormitory, his eyes firmly locked onto the grandfather clock. The time read 6:59.
Pacing won't make time flow faster.
I can't sit around and do nothing. Not when it's this close.
I don't understand why you want to arrive early. It's not as though-
I know, but I can't risk being late.
The time it would take you to travel from here to the tower wouldn't be long.
The clock struck 7:00, and a tiny serpent popped out and hissed seven times. With that, Severus rushed out of the room. How do we start?
Begin with the truth. The longer we delay, the more complicated it will be over time.
And then?
Talk about your commitment to defy the Dark Lord and his followers.
What if that doesn't work?
It will. Trust me. Trust yourself.
Eventually, Severus found himself at the entrance to the tower. He took a deep breath, preparing himself. We'll get through this.
Lily II
"Tempus." It was 7:29 PM.
Lily took a deep breath as she thought about how the conversation would go. She had thought about it all day, ever since they had last spoken. Part of her didn't want to do this; part of her wished she had decided against the idea. But the other part, the Gryffindor part, knew she was never one to run from a challenge, even if the challenge before her seemed impossible. And knowing him, the challenge would be impossible, if not for Lily's nerve.
Another part of Lily thought about what would happen after their conversation. They had a lot to talk about, and this was even before addressing the most important part: how would it be compared to how it was before? Lily dreaded the idea that their effort would result in no change, or worse, worse than nothing. She wanted this ordeal to go as well as it possibly could.
With that, she knocked on the door, and she heard footsteps approach as the door opened.
"Good evening, Horace."
Severus III
"Tempus." It was 11:09 PM.
She's not coming.
Severus had been waiting for three and a half hours, four including his early arrival at the Owlery. She must have run into something important. He wanted it to be the truth, but he knew better. Despite the evening June air, he felt ice-cold.
In hindsight, you should have gone to Dumbledore instead.
Thank you for telling me now. And remember, this was your idea... I have plenty of time to speak with him. Could you say the same thing about Lily?
How is it that when it comes to our relationship with Lily, we end up opposing one another?
We're doing all of this for her, aren't we?
I mean in terms of our approach, not our motivation. Had I known this would be the outcome-
You can't take back what you said after I've already done what you told me to do. And you can't control my body.
Our body.
Severus let out a sigh as he looked around at the owls. His eyes scanned the straw and pellet-covered floor. I don't know what I was expecting. Let's- wait, who's that?
Who?
Someone's coming!
Severus quickly rose to his feet and stood away from the entryway, stepping to the side so as to not startle Lily as she entered-
It wasn't Lily.
Mary MacDonald's eyes widened at the sight of Severus, and she dropped a letter she was holding. An owl dropped down, picked up the letter, and flew off into the night.
Severus stared back, surprised to see the girl here, at this hour. He opened his mouth to speak, but he closed it just as quickly. He tried again, this time saying, "... MacDonald?"
MacDonald remained petrified.
"... it's past 11:00. Why are you-"
MacDonald turned and ran out of the Owlery, pattering down the steps.
Severus stood in place, processing what just happened. The anticipation of waiting for Lily was gone, left with a familiar sensation he had felt the night Lily ended their friendship: defeat. But while that night had filled him with despair, this night had given him hope. And now, realizing what was happening, Severus knew one truth.
She's not coming.
Lily III
Lily and Remus were briskly walking through the corridors, wands alight as they searched for Mary. Somehow, she had managed to sneak out. Lily was filled with both worry and fury, and the worry only served to fuel her fury even more. Remus wasn't angry in the slightest, but he was nevertheless focused, even more so than Lily could give him credit for. If Remus was this committed, she needed to be as well.
"Where could she have possibly gone?" Remus whispered.
"That's what we need to find out," Lily replied sharply. "I swear, if she-"
They suddenly ran into Mary as they turned the corner. Mary had barreled into Remus, almost knocking him off his feet. Mary let out a cry as she instead fell back on her bottom.
"Mary Elizabeth MacDonald!" Lily grabbed Mary by the arm roughly. "It is past 11:00! Why are you wandering the halls?!"
"I-I wasn't-" Mary looked to be on the verge of tears.
"Don't give me that-"
"Lily." Remus touched her arm to let go, and he knelt down and patted Mary on the shoulder. "Mary, it's irresponsible of you to be out after hours. You understand, yes?"
Mary nodded her head rapidly, but she seemed to calm down. Tears had started dripping down her cheeks.
"Now," Remus said gently, "why were you out of bed?"
"I…" Mary took a deep breath to calm herself down. "I-I was in the Owlery to send a letter to Reggie-"
"We told you-"
"Lily." Remus's voice was unsettlingly firm, and Lily stopped mid-sentence. Remus turned back to Mary and softly said, "Continue."
"I was sending a letter, but when I got there, Snape was up there-"
"Snape?" Remus was confused. "Why the devil would Snape be up there?"
Lily's heart sank. Oh my God. 7:30.
"I don't know," Mary replied. "I just ran as fast as I could."
"Did he hurt you?"
Mary shook her head.
Lily said, "Remus, take Mary back to the common room. I'll find Snape."
"Are you sure?"
"Someone has to, and we both know how he feels about you."
Remus nodded. "Come, Mary. Let's go."
"Am I in trouble?"
"Definitely."
As they turned the corner, Lily ran down the corridor, noise be damned, as her heart began to race. 7:30. How had she forgotten her meeting with Snape?! She'd been the one to decide the time and place, and he had agreed. And she'd left him waiting for over three hours…. 7:30. She remembered the look in his eye when she'd agreed-
"Tempus!" 11:19. How long did it take to get to the Owlery from where they had found Mary? Maybe 10 minutes. Was he still waiting? 7:30. Why hadn't he left the Owlery by this time?! Was he still in the Owlery?! It must smell awful, waiting in there! 7:30.
Lily climbed the steps to the Owlery, her heart nearly leaping out of her throat. Each step was heavy, and each second that passed was an eternity. 7:30. She reached the top and hurried into the Owlery… and Snape wasn't there.
Severus IV
We should sleep.
Severus stared up at the ceiling, his curtains drawn around his bed and Muffliato cast so no one could hear him. "... what was I thinking?"
You couldn't have known. Neither of us could have.
"I should have." Severus felt his eyes glaze over. "It was obvious. She changed the day, then the location, then the time. She didn't want to do any of it in the first place."
This was never to be easy. Otherwise, I would have been sent back before we called her a Mudblood.
"Don't." Severus's breathing was growing heavy. "Please don't say that word." He remembered to blink, and he felt something dripping down the sides of his face. He sniffed and dried his eyes. "No. None of that." He Occluded, and his feelings buried themselves down.
There may be another chance.
"No." Severus shook his head. "No, there won't. I canceled a meeting with Dumbledore for this. Never again."
Professor Snape didn't respond for some time. Then, his voice returned. Remember why we do this. Why we need to meet Dumbledore in the first place.
"I know why."
Say it.
Severus kept his mouth shut.
Say it.
"... for Lily."
For Lily.
Regulus I
Saturday, 5 June 1976
To Regulus Arcturus Black,
I have received your letter in record time, hence why my response is so close to yours. I am currently in Hogsmeade as we speak, having anticipated your desire to meet. I have certain matters to discuss with you in ways a letter will not satisfy, specifically regarding Snape's plans for the summer holiday. And regarding his incorrect place of residency, I do not blame you for such a mistake. One must correct one's mistakes, lest one repeats them.
Regards,
Lucius Malfoy
Sunday, 6 June 1976
To Lucius Malfoy
I am available to meet you in Hogsmeade, but as you have not specified our meeting place, I have taken the liberty to decide we shall meet at the Hog's Head, as we have done previously. Like you, I also have words, regarding Snape, that would be wasted on parchment. Needless to say, I look forward to seeing you.
Regards,
Regulus Arcturus Black