A/N: A shorter story with my beloved post-Paraguay angst. I started this story before I thought of a song to go with it, but then I decided to make it a "bonus track" featuring "Beautifully Broken" by Plumb.

Beautifully Broken

"Beautifully Broken" by Plumb

Chapter 1: Haunted By Regret

Harm was angry.

Irritated.

Annoyed.

Mac knew it was because of her; who else would change Harm from a smiling man who would laugh with Bud and Sturgis to this sullen, scowling man before her? She'd stopped counting how many times his mood had turned sour at the sight of her and was now at the point where she would have been suspicious if he reacted any other way to her presence.

Then again, he didn't have to act like it was her fault an unexpected blizzard had struck, causing the interstates to close. He didn't have to act like it was her fault that this was the only room left in any of the nearby hotels. With a sigh, she stepped further into the room, relieved it at least had two separate beds. She decided not to ask him which bed he'd prefer; why not pick the one she truly wanted, the one that would make her feel more secure?

"I'll take this one," she declared as she set her bag on the bed furthest away from the door. She heard Harm grumble behind her, but she didn't waste any time trying to figure out what he was saying. She was too tired, having been kept up the night before by nightmares of Paraguay, to want to start anything with him. "Why don't you take the bathroom first?" she said over her shoulder as she began to unbutton her uniform jacket. "I'll call the admiral to apprise him of the situation." She waited a moment for his response, which came in the form of the near slamming of the bathroom door and the starting of the shower. With another sigh, she pulled out her cell and called Admiral Chegwidden.

"All yours, Mac," Harm said as he exited the bathroom. He was clad in only a towel wrapped around his waist. She couldn't help but admire his physique; he was even more well-muscled than she remembered, and her stomach fluttered at the sight of the hair on his abdomen as it disappeared beneath his towel. She cursed herself; she didn't want to feel anything for him anymore, not after how they'd behaved in Paraguay. He'd hurt her and she'd hurt him right back. Or was it vice versa? She didn't know anymore, and she supposed it didn't really matter.

Mac was about to walk past Harm when he turned his back to her. Typical, she thought to herself, but then she noticed a huge gash across his left shoulder. It was an older wound, but the scar was still a vibrant shade of red.

"Harm, what happened?" she gasped, unable to stop herself from brushing across the old laceration. Harm flinched away from her.

"Don't," he snarled, and she jumped back.

"I'm sorry, Harm," she apologized, her hand still hovering above his shoulder. "But how did this—"

"Not important. Just go do your thing." He jerked his head toward the bathroom, and she knew better than to say anything else.

Without acknowledging him, Mac moved past Harm. She'd only taken a few steps when he called to her. Was he actually going to talk?

"They actually have a little room service. Want anything?"

Ah. "No thanks. Not hungry. You go ahead." She just caught the look of consternation that flitted across his face before she turned and walked away; yes, yes, she was always known for being 'always' hungry, but since Paraguay she hadn't been eating with her usual gusto and it showed. She was thinner now, to the point that she'd had to go down a size in her uniform, but tonight her lack of appetite was purely due her stress at being around Harm and her extreme fatigue.

Harm didn't say anything else to her, but it was disconcerting to feel his eyes boring into her back before she was finally able to close the bathroom door.

Fifteen minutes later, Mac stepped out of the bathroom to find the room darkened, the only light being the lamp by her bed. Harm looked to be asleep, and Mac sighed in relief. No need to offer fake pleasantries anymore today. Clad in boxers and a USMC tank top, Mac slipped beneath the covers of her bed, the howling of the wind singing her to sleep.

Mac jumped at the sound of the gunshots, her ears ringing with their proximity. The two missionaries slumped on the grown while Mac stared in horror. Before she could even process what had just happened, a hand clamped around her arm and jerked her toward the shack where Clay had been mercilessly tortured. Moments later, she found herself chained to a blood and urine-soaked table. That was okay, though. She knew Harm was going to burst in and shoot her captors any second now. That's how it had happened before, how it would always happen…

But it didn't happen…

They burned her, shocked her, slapped her. They took turns raping her, laughing as she cried and screamed for Harm. Sadik appeared above her holding a knife, and before she could beg him not to, he plunged the knife into her belly—only this time, it wasn't just into the padding of the heavy pregnancy suit, it was a real belly, a real pregnant belly, and she felt her baby die within her before she herself faded from existence…

"Mac! Mac! Wake up! It's just a dream. Wake up, hon—uh, Mac. Come on, that's it. That's it. You're okay. You're okay…"

Mac came out of her nightmare slowly, struggling when she felt herself held tightly against a hard chest. These animals couldn't be allowed to do this to her anymore. They had to pay for killing the missionaries, her baby…her…

"No!" she cried, pushing violently against the body holding her. She managed to break away, only to feel herself falling, falling…

She finally woke up completely as her bottom hit the floor hard. The back of her head struck the nightstand, and for a moment she saw stars. She sat there in a daze even after the stars went away, hearing herself release a shaky, "Harm?"

"My god, Mac. Are you okay?"

"My head hurts. Wh—What happened?"

"You had a nightmare…and then you fell when you tried to get away from me…it happened so fast I couldn't catch you. I'm sorry."

"No…I'm sorry. I woke you up."

"No, you didn't…I wasn't sleeping…come on, Mac. Let's get you off the floor." He slid off the bed and knelt down beside her before wrapping his arm around her. They stood up together, then Mac pulled away. Dizziness caused her to sway, and Harm caught her up against him. For a moment, it felt good to be held by him, but then she remembered the state of their relationship. Suddenly she couldn't bear his touch, and she pushed away again.

"Let go, Harm. I'm fine."

"Not until I've got you sitting again." He shifted so she could sit back down on the bed but stopped her before she could lie down. "Wait. I need to check to see if you're bleeding."

Mac felt Harm's fingers probe her scalp, hissing when he hit a sore spot. She wished he'd stop touching her.

"Well, no bleeding, but you have a pretty good bump back there. Hey, your clothes are soaked. So are your sheets. You can…you can sleep with me if you want…after you change…"

Mac leaned away from Harm, staring at him in shock. "What?"

"You can…well, your sheets are soaked."

"I'll just throw a blanket over it all. I'm sure there's an extra one around here…"

"Come on, Mac…"

Mac had had enough. How dare Harm be all kind and caring now. How dare he! She abruptly stood up, her, relying on her marine strength to not let the dizziness she still felt show. "NO, Harm! No, I don't want to share a bed with you, no, I don't want to be here with you, any more than you want to be here with me, and where the hell do you get off being nice all of a sudden? So, I had a nightmare. Big deal. I have nightmares most nights. You have been an ass since you came back to JAG! Can't you just be civil? Can't you just stop torturing me until my transfer comes through? Yes, I was awful in Paraguay…but if you'd have answered or listened to any of the seventeen messages I left, you'd know how sorry I am about everything, how grateful I am that you came to save me despite having to give up JAG. Now, I'm going to go take another shower, and then I'm going to go back to bed…in my bed. You go back to yours, and when the morning comes and the roads are clear, we'll go. I'll ask that the admiral not assign us any cases together, and then I'll be gone, I hope in the next sixty days. Fair enough?"

Mac didn't wait for Harm to answer. She saw the look of shock on his face; truthfully, she was shocked at her outburst, but she pushed past him anyway. She was dimly aware that he had sat heavily down on her bed, his shoulders slumping as he ran his hand over his face. She didn't care. She was through. She knew she was to blame for much of the demise of their friendship, but it had been months since Paraguay and he had been restored to his rightful place at JAG. Life for him had to be better than it had been six months ago at least, so what the hell was his problem? Oh, well…she'd soon be gone. The admiral had been disappointed when she'd requested a transfer, but he finally agreed to have her assigned to an O-5 position that wouldn't set her career back when one became available. She wasn't stupid. She wasn't going to lose what she'd worked for, after all. Not when it was all she had.

It was Mac's turn to slam the bathroom door behind her, and then she was in the shower, the water as hot as she could stand it pounding down on her while she sobbed out her pain.

Mac stayed in the shower a long time trying to calm herself. The crying had stopped, but the tension in her body still remained as she stepped from the bath. She dried herself off, threw on an old t-shirt of Mic's over a new pair of panties, and took a deep breath. She pulled open the door, the cold air from the bedroom a sharp contrast to the steaminess of the bathroom. She shivered a bit as she made her way in the dark to the drawers under the TV to grab the extra blanket she was sure was there, but stopped when she noticed a blanket was already laid out on her bed. There was another blanket folded beside it, and she knew she was meant to cover herself with that. Of course, Harm would have to continue to "care" for her, she thought sullenly. It wasn't that she didn't appreciate it; she just didn't know how to take him being kind to her after all these months.

Well, there's nothing left to do but get in bed, I guess, she thought to herself. She did just that, straightening her t-shirt nightgown so it didn't bunch up underneath her. She thought ruefully that she never thought she'd actually use something of Mic's again, but it didn't seem appropriate to bring any of the tees she'd stolen from Harm over the years. Those, she had thrown in a bag and shoved them to the back of her closet.

Mac glanced over at Harm before she turned out her light. He appeared to be sleeping, and she could only hope that she'd be able to as well. She pulled her blanket up to her chin and closed her eyes, only for them to fly open again at the sound of Harm's voice.

"Mac, don't transfer. Let me. I'll go."

"No," she answered, turning so her back was toward him.

"Then just don't transfer."

"The decision's made, Harm. Has been for a while."

"You didn't say anything."

"No, I didn't."

"I don't want you to go, Mac." His voice was soft, urgent.

Mac heaved another sigh in this night of a thousand sighs. "It isn't up to you, Harm. I need a change…I need to get away from Washington."

She heard Harm shift in his bed, and then his own lamp flipped on. "Why?"

"Turn off the light."

"Not until you tell me why."

"I think you know why," she answered, echoing his response to her when she'd questioned him about why he'd come to Paraguay.

"Me."

"Give the man a meat pie." Mac knew she was being needlessly nasty, but she couldn't do this right now.

"Mac, dammit, knock off the Brumby references. Turn around and look at me." Harm sounded nicely irritated now, and the immature part of Mac was glad.

"Harm, can we table this?" she asked, a slight sneer in her voice. She wanted to smack herself for saying it, but it had slipped out in her anger. Harm didn't answer for a long while, but when he did, he was explosive.

"No, Mac. We CANNOT table it!" he shouted, and she cringed, though she only grunted in response.

"Dammit, Mac, stop acting like a child and talk to me!" His voice was still loud. Too loud. He was going to get them kicked out. Mac flipped over and sat up.

"Shut up, Harm!" she hissed. "Shut up before you get us tossed out of here!"

"Then talk to me!" he snapped, though he was a bit quieter this time.

"I can't talk to you now, Harm. Not about this. I just can't. I'm too tired, and I'll just be a bitch. I've already been a bitch tonight."

"Well, so have I…well, you know what I mean."

That's an understatement, she groused, though she was really referring to the time leading up to this. "Then we're even, Harm."

Harm actually snorted out a little chuckle. "Well…okay. If you don't want to talk about other things, can you at least tell me about your dream? You scared me."

"I'm sorry, Harm."

"Don't be sorry, Mac. It's not your fault you had a nightmare."

"Isn't it?" Mac asked ruefully. "I'm the one who agreed to go there."

Harm was silent for a while and Mac could practically hear him thinking. "Why did you go?" he finally asked. Mac closed her eyes for a moment.

"Harm…"

"Okay, okay. Tell me about your dream then."

"Well…it was about Paraguay…so I'd say that makes my dream off limits too." She bit her lip, knowing she'd eventually give in and tell him. She was sure she wouldn't be sleeping anymore tonight and didn't really want to just lie here doing nothing.

"Mac…come on…"

"Harm…oh, fine…it was about Paraguay," she repeated, and she saw Harm nod out of the corner of her eye. "It started with the missionaries…they sold us out, but he killed them anyway. Just like it happened there…he had them shot right in front of me." Mac took a deep breath. She'd relived that moment over and over, night after night.

"I saw it, Mac. Well, I didn't see the missionaries shot. I heard it, and I was afraid you'd been the one killed."

Mac shook her head. "No…Sadik had something more elaborate planned for me." Mac tried to gather her thoughts. She should tell Harm she didn't want to say anymore. She was about to until he encouraged her to go on.

"The next thing I knew, I was chained to that table, where you found me, only this time, they were able to do…things to me. They—they took turns…ra—raping me…" Tears had started to form in her eyes as she talked and now they were sliding down her cheeks.

"Mac…" She heard him swallow hard. "Did they…did they…" His voice choked off.

"No, Harm…they didn't. They talked about it, not realizing I could understand them, and I'm sure they would have if you hadn't…if you hadn't shown up when you did."

Harm let out an obviously relieved breath. "Was that the end of the dream then?"

Mac sniffled. "Yeah…basically…through the whole thing I knew you were going to show up…but you didn't."

"I'm sorry, Mac."

Mac chuckled bleakly at that. "Harm…it was just a dream…I'm not upset with you…not for failing to show up in one of my nighttime productions." She hoped he'd let the dream go now; she did not want to go into the end scenes of her nightmare. She should have known better, given Harm's skills of investigation and intuition.

"There's more to your nightmare, isn't there, Mac."

Mac drew in a shaky breath. "If I say no, would you believe me?"

"Uh, not now, Mac."

"Yeah, I figured that. No, that wasn't all of it. You remember that damn pregnancy suit? Well, Sadik was suddenly there by me with a knife, and he stabbed me in the belly…just like he did in real life…but this time, it wasn't through a fake pregnant belly…it was a real one…he—he k-killed my—my baby…" Mac couldn't go on anymore. She started to cry in earnest then, eventually feeling Harm sit down next to her and pull her into his arms.

"Oh, god, Mac…I'm so sorry." Mac cried against his bare chest, basking in his strength, loving his scent…until once again, she remembered.

He hated her.

She pushed away from his comfort for the second time that night, though this time she knew what she was doing. "Harm, let go of me…I don't want…you don't need to…just get away from me!" His arms fell from her then, as quickly as if she were on fire, and she felt a strange combination—relieved yet bereft. He stood up but he didn't return to his bed.

"Mac…I just wanted to…"

"I know, Harm…but you don't have to. I know I'm not your favorite person, you've made that clear and I get it…so please, don't…don't…don't…"

"Don't what, Mac?"

Mac bit her lip, her eyes filling with tears again. "Act like you care, Harm."

Harm whirled around and to her surprise, he actually looked stunned. "You think I don't care?"

"No."

"Mac…"

"It's okay, Harm. I do get it. The things I said to you in Paraguay…telling you that the Navy was all you had, telling Gunny I owed him my life when I owed you even more…kissing Webb…saying 'never'…I wasn't thinking clearly at all by that point but that's no excuse. I still hurt you, was needlessly mean, and I'm sorry."

"Did you mean any of it? That 'never?'"

Mac dropped her gaze to the floor.

"Mac, did you really mean 'never?'"

"I-I don't know." She drew her legs up and scooted to lean her back against the faux headboard of her bed. She pulled her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them before staring straight ahead of her. "It doesn't matter though…it's true now. Maybe not for the reasons I said then, but it is still true." She shook herself after several seconds, trying to regain her bearings. "I'm going to bed now, Harm. You should too." She slid down so she was lying flat and covered herself up. "Good night."

"Mac," Harm started after he had gotten into his own bed. "It's not going to be a good night. You think I don't care when that just isn't true."

"Then why haven't you acted like it?" she asked softly.

"I—I don't know."

"Well, then we're even."

"This isn't a competition, Mac. Look, I'll go to bed in a minute, but please…don't transfer out just because of me."

"We're back to that, Harm? Look, I don't mean to be hurtful, but I just can't do it anymore. I can't go to work every day and feel your…distain…for me. It hurts, no matter how much I understand your attitude. I don't blame you, I don't…but we were such good friends I never had a friend like you and to know that friendship is over hurts so much and when I see you it just brings it all back and it just hurts so much and I can't—I can't—" Her words had come out in a rush, and she found she was shaking.

"Okay, Mac…okay…it's okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Mac shook her head in the dark. There was no sense in dragging this out. She'd accept his apology and move on, and it would all be okay soon. She just needed to hold on for another two months.

"Okay, Harm. Thank you. I accept your apology. Let's try to get more sleep now. We can talk about it more tomorrow, all right?"

"All right, Mac. Thanks…thank you for accepting my apology. I meant it…please believe that."

"I do, Harm," she lied, and then closed her eyes as Harm turned out his light. She was actually starting to drift off when Harm asked another question.

"Mac, are we going to be okay?" He sounded so tentative, unsure…what would it hurt if she told a little white lie?

"No, we're not, Harm."

End Chapter 1