A/N: Here's the next chapter, with one more to go. As for my other tails, I'm working on Trust, We the People Revisited, and I actually am working on Crash—it just seems to work better if I work my way backwards. I also have another Vignette from Miracles in the queue, so we'll see what comes out next.

Beautifully Broken

Chapter 4: You're Worthy

Mac sat in the dark on the closed toilet. She reached out to make sure the door was locked, then buried her face in a towel and cried. The shame of what she'd just revealed descended on her, and she didn't know how she'd face Harm again.

On the other hand, she had to acknowledge how hurt she was by him. He had been so angry with her for so long, and she'd buried her own anger at him under a mountain of guilt. Her transfer couldn't come fast enough. She prayed something would come up soon. She couldn't deal with the humiliation, the guilt, and the anger for much longer, not without imploding. Maybe it didn't matter anymore as to whether it was a "good" transfer or not.

Mac stayed in the bathroom for a good half hour before she felt in control enough to return to the main part of their room. She was freezing by then, her teeth chattering, her body shivering out of control. Tentatively, she opened the door, nearly panicking when she couldn't see Harm in the dimness of the room. The curtains were open, the waning light of the day illuminating what it could, and there was no Harm.

"Harm?" she called, her voice shaky, and she grew more frantic as her eyes swept the room one more time. She caught a sudden movement out of the corner of her eye and when she heard Harm's voice she sighed in relief. Relief that didn't last…

"H-Here, Mac."

"Harm, what's wrong?"

Harm sat in the lone chair in the corner, shoulders slumped, one hand over his face. She heard his shuddering breaths as he sat up straighter, and with dismay, she realized he was crying.

"Harm, why—"

"I-I'm so, so sorry, Mac. So goddamn sorry."

"Harm…there's no reason for you to—"

"You know…I knew something was wrong. I could see you were struggling. I could tell you weren't eating or sleeping."

"Harm—"

"I should have come to you, helped you…but instead I was glad. You were hurting, and I was glad. Now you'd know what I felt like. You ripped my heart out with your never, so when you'd come in to work with the weight of the world on your shoulders, so pale and sad, it made me happy because you were obviously suffering too. I didn't know, Mac…I didn't know it was so bad—"

"Harm, of course you didn't know. How could you? It's not like you or I were—"

"Mac, I would have known if I'd talked to you. If I hadn't ignored you. I was hurt, yes, Mac, over Paraguay, my time in the brig, but that's no excuse for what I did to you."

"Harm, you didn't do anything."

Harm suddenly stood. "You're right…I didn't do anything. I just let my best friend flounder and suffer and no wonder you can't forgive me."

"Harm, what are you…I accepted your apology…remember?"

"Yeah, you did…and we both know you were lying." With that, he grabbed his coat and walked out the door.

Mac huddled under the blankets of their bed. It had been over an hour and Harm still hadn't returned. She should have gone after him, she supposed, but by the time she had gotten over the initial shock of him leaving, he had disappeared into the darkening swirl. The snow and wind had at least calmed some, but it still wouldn't take much for Harm to get disoriented and end up freezing to death in a snowbank.

"What the hell were you thinking, Harm?" she muttered. She had tried calling him forty-five minutes ago, but of course, he'd left his phone there in the room. Five minutes more passed, and she finally decided she'd better risk it and go looking. She slid off the bed and found her coat, checked to see if she had the keycard for the room, and pulled open the door…

"Dammit, Harm! You scared the shit out of me!"

"Sorry."

"You're sorry? You took off in a blizzard!"

"I just went down to the office for a while, Mac."

"You could have taken your phone! Or you could have just stayed put!"

"I'm sorry."

"No, you're not. For fuck's sake, Harm. I was just about to go out looking for you!"

"Why the hell would you do that?! It's a fucking blizzard out there!"

"Exactly!"

The two of them glared at each other for long seconds, Mac trying to decide if she should punch Harm or just bang his head against the wall. She was about to choose when Harm suddenly burst out laughing.

"You're trying to decide if you want to punch me or shove me or—"

"Or bang your head against the wall," she snapped, not the least bit amused by his mirth.

"Or bang my head against the wall."

Harm shucked off his coat and flopped down on the bed. "Come on, Mac. Sit down."

"No."

"We need to talk."

"I think we said everything we needed to. Look, Harm. I don't blame you for my drinking, I don't blame you for not noticing I wasn't doing well, and I don't blame you for anything else, okay?"

"Anything else…well, can you at least blame me for being an asshole?"

"Harm?"

"Because I was an asshole, you know."

Mac finally sat down next to him, their shoulders only inches apart. She stretched out her legs to align with his, then leaned her head back against the fake headboard. "Okay, Harm. I'll grant you that."

"Thank you." He tentatively took her hand in his. "Now, what can I do to make it up to you?"

"Harm…it's too late…"

"Why is it too late?"

"It just is."

"Mac," he sighed. "You know as well as I do that's not an answer."

"Well, maybe it's the only one I've got." She pulled her hand away from his, but he snatched it back.

"Mac, if you won't talk to me, I'll talk to you."

"Harm, don't."

"I'll start with the whole Singer situation. I should have told you my concerns about my brother. I should have confided in you. I would have saved us a lot of pain if I had."

"Why didn't you?" Mac asked, angry with herself that she was being sucked into this conversation.

"I don't know. I was embarrassed. I didn't want to drag you into it. I was stupid. Probably other reasons too."

"You have no faith in me."

"Mac, that's not true."

"Isn't it? It's been our issue from the start."

Harm shifted his body toward hers. "What do you mean by that?"

A bitter chuckle escaped Mac. "Harm…over the years…I've given you plenty of reasons not to trust me—my husband…Mic…"

"What about Mic?"

"I should have been honest with you about him…hell, I should have been honest with myself. I didn't love him, not like I should have. You knew that."

"I did, but Mac, it wasn't my place to say anything."

"No, it wasn't…but what must you think of a woman who leads a man on like that?"

"Were you deliberately leading him on?" Harm's grip on her hand tightened.

"No," she said with a sigh. "I guess not, but that still doesn't put me in the clear."

"Mac—"

"But that still doesn't compare with not telling you I was married. That I'm adulteress. Things between us soured after that."

She heard Harm swallow. "Maybe…but I thought things were going better after the JAGathon. We were getting closer…closer than ever before."

"Yeah." And then came Singer…

Mac didn't comment on the Singer debacle. Besides, though she hadn't told him about Chris, she'd already admitted to a sketchy past. The way he'd thrown her history of addiction in her face during the trial of the young man addicted to nicotine was proof that he viewed her past addictions with scorn. Given the way she'd acted after Dalton died, however—why shouldn't he view her with disdain?

"Yeah, we were, Harm," she continued. "But how far would that have gone? Eventually, you would have remembered I'm nothing but a drunk."

"Mac, don't say that about yourself!"

"Why not? It's true."

"No, it isn't! I mean, Mac…you overcame it to join the marines and look where you're at now! So, you fell off the wagon after Dalton. You were being stalked…"

"No excuse. And there's no excuse for what I said to you when I got back from the bar that day."

"Mac, I forgave you for that long ago. Hell, I forgave you five minutes after I called for your cab."

"But you still think…you think…"

"What do I think, Mac?"

"That I'm nothing but a drunk. Why else would you have said what you said in front of that entire courtroom. In the bullpen."

"I'm so sorry about that, Mac."

"I mean, you didn't say anything that wasn't true…and look at me now…working hard on staying sober for the third time. How do I know this won't keep happening? How do I know I won't go home after this and start drinking again?"

"You won't, Mac."

"You can't know that."

"Yes, I can. Because I'll be there with you."

"No, you won't, Harm." She swiped at the tears that suddenly fell from her eyes. "We're too broken."

"No, Mac. I refuse to believe that. Okay, you want to know why I went down to Paraguay? I came to rescue you. You. No one else. I was ready to die to do that. Now, Mac, ask me why I was ready to die for you."

Mac shook her head violently. "No…I don't want to know."

"Mac…" He dropped her hand so he could cup her face in both of his. "Mac," he repeated.

"No, Harm. Stop. Stop."

"I was ready to die for you Mac, because…because I love you."

At his confession, Mac threw herself out of the bed. "No. No. You don't mean that. You can't mean that."

"I do, Mac."

"Then how could you…how could you act the way you did afterwards?" She paced back and forth in front of him. "How could you bring up my alcoholism, treat me with such contempt, ignore me like that, and then claim to love me?"

"God, Mac. I'm so sorry about so much. Being in the brig fucked me up. You never came to visit me—no, no, I know Chegwidden ordered you all to stay away from me, but that hurt. I made myself believe you didn't care…but when I realized I still cared about you, about us, I knew I needed to save you. I just didn't count on still being upset with you, while also not being able to let go of the Singer situation. I suppose there's a bit of PTSD there…but when I saw you with Webb…I guess I went a little crazy. And then when you said 'never'…I told you it ripped my heart out…it broke me too."

Mac stopped her pacing and stared at him as he slid off the bed and knelt down in front of her. He took her hands in his and gazed up at her imploringly. "Please, Mac. Please give me another chance. Even just to be your friend. Don't transfer. Don't quite the marines…at least don't do it because of me. I'll quit the navy if it keeps you in the marines. Let me earn your trust again. I've been so goddamn miserable without you."

Mac lowered herself down next to him. "Harm…don't. Don't you ever give up the navy again for me. Don't do it. I can't take another person's life being ruined because of me. Don't even say that!" She burst into tears and of course she felt herself being pulled against his chest.

"Mac, don't cry. Okay, okay, okay…I won't quit the navy. But don't you either!"

"I-I don't think I c-can st-stay, H-Harm," she spoke around her tears. "I'm tired. Tired of being told when and where to go. And the idea of running into Webb…you know he'll show his face around there again."

"Mac, please tell me what happened with Webb."

"I told you…he made it easier to drink. I just can't be around him."

"That doesn't explain the way you reacted earlier. You tried to punch me."

"I did punch you."

Harm snorted. "Barely…but Mac, I still want to know what happened."

Mac sat down hard on her bottom, allowing Harm to wrap his arm around her as he settled next to her. The floor was hard and uncomfortable, but she didn't feel she had the strength to move back to the bed. She didn't feel she had the strength to tell him about Webb, either, but now that she had calmed somewhat, she probably owed him an explanation after attacking him like that. She took a deep breath.

"Okay, Harm…after drinking hard for about three weeks, I woke up one morning with a terrible hangover. It reminded me of all the times Chris and I went on a binge or the times I'd sneak down and drink my father's vodka after he went to bed. I had a splitting headache, I was nauseated, and I was weak. I hadn't been eating much of anything in the evenings. I knew I had to stop…and I knew that meant I had to let go of Webb. Harm, we were never a couple…ever. He changed after Paraguay…it was understandable…but he spent so much time, I don't know, gaslighting me. It bothered him, I guess, that I wouldn't drink with him. Why, I don't know. He made me think he was the only one who cared. Well…when I woke up with that hangover, I also woke up and realized what he was doing. I went over to his apartment and told him that I couldn't spend time with him anymore. I had to stop drinking and I couldn't be around someone who still did. I thought that would be it…but he…he…he told me I was weak, when always before he told me I was strong. He told me I was a tease that led him on. He ranted on and on and I was so tired and sick. I finally found the strength to walk away, but he pulled me down onto the couch next to him and then pinned me down. I couldn't move and I couldn't breathe, and he taunted me over and over, about you, my drinking. He told me I was pathetic. He told me he gave up everything to keep me safe and I was just an ungrateful bitch and he-he-he…he wouldn't let me go. He just held me there…so today…when you—"

"Oh my god, Mac. I-I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I'm so sorry. You kept fighting. I just wanted you to stop. I didn't want you to hurt yourself, so I…oh my god…"

"Harm, Harm, no…you couldn't know. You didn't do anything wrong. I just went crazy."

"No, you didn't, Mac. But when we get back…I think I need to pay Webb a visit."

Mac pushed away from him. "No, no, Harm. Don't. Don't. Please. Let's just forget about it."

"But I can't—"

"Harm, I'm begging you. Don't. Don't bring him back into our lives. Please," she entreated.

Mac was shaking all over and Harm pulled her closer to him again. "Okay, I won't, honey."

"Promise!" she demanded.

"I promise."

"I mean it, Harm."

"So do I, Mac. But should I ever just run into him…mind if I break his nose?"

A chuckle erupted from Mac. "Well, if you just run into him, I guess that's okay."

"Thank you." Harm squeezed her tightly and then released his hold. "Hey, it's still cold and this floor's still hard and I'm not as young as I used to be. Can we get back in the bed?" Mac allowed him to pull her up along with him and they tucked themselves in next to each other. Mac was still wary of Harm, but for the first time in months she felt hope…and it frightened her. This hope felt different, more real, but nevertheless, she was slow to trust. She argued with herself for several seconds, but finally, she made the decision to tell Harm exactly what she was feeling. If they were to salvage their friendship, they both needed to be honest—impeccably so.

"Harm?"

"Yeah, Mac?"

"I—I want us to be okay."

"So do I, hon."

"Okay…good. Harm, you told me you loved me."

"No, I didn't. I told you I love you."

Mac didn't know whether to smile or cry at that declaration, but she went on anyway. "I just wanted to say…I love you too."

"Oh…even after—"

"Yeah…even after…but I'm also scared. Angry. Sad."

"I, uh, I can understand that."

"Can you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Harm, I've loved you forever. I have always wanted to be with you…until now."

"I see…"

"Ugh, I'm not making myself very clear here. I'm trying, Harm."

"I know." His voice was subdued, and she knew she'd hurt him. She wasn't trying to do that, but it would take her a bit to explain things.

"Harm, I've missed you…the real you, so much. The Harm that's been at JAG for the last few months…he has your face, your smile, but he never smiles at me. He's angry and he never laughs anymore, at least in my presence…and that Harm…I don't want to be around him. I'm starting to see the real Harm a bit here, but I'm scared that once we're back at JAG, new Harm will return. We've been stuck here for two days and there isn't much else we can do but talk. It won't be the same when we get back to DC."

Harm dipped his head, but not before she saw the suspicious sheen in his eyes. He swallowed hard and nodded. "No, it won't…but Mac, I don't want the new Harm around me either. He's an angry bastard. He's a jealous bastard, and most of all, he hurt you. I don't want to hurt you anymore, Sarah."

"And I don't want to hurt you."

"You're not. You didn't."

Mac shook her head. "Harm, don't do that. Don't deny what happened. I did hurt you. I threw what you did for me back in your face. I'm no saint here."

"Maybe not, Mac, but none of that compares to what I did to you."

"I'll admit, Harm…there are things we're going to need to talk about. Things that will hurt both of us. Things that will cause one or the other of us to want to run. If I run, I'm not coming back, and if you run, I'm not chasing after you. I can't do it anymore, and I don't want you to, either. After today, I can see us being friends again…but I don't know if I see us as more than that. Shhhh," she said, holding her hand up to stop him from speaking. "That old dream of mine…the one with you and me…together…I haven't dreamt that in a long time. I haven't let myself. I-I'm afraid to…because I know how it always ends."

"With me hurting you."

"Yeah."

"I…I guess I don't know what to say to that, Mac." His voice was quiet, expressionless, and Mac realized how she sounded…like he was the only one to blame, and that was far from the truth.

"Oh, god, Harm. I'm making you sound like some monster. No. No, Harm. It took both of us to do this to us…but there's a bigger reason why I have a hard time believing things will work out for us, and this one is all me."

"And what would that be?"

"I—I—I'm broken, Harm." She bit her lip and met his confused gaze. "I am…and I don't think I'll ever be whole again…and if I'm not whole, I can't be with you. Or anyone else for that matter…and since I don't want anyone else…well, you see where this is going."

"Oh, Mac…we're all a little broken."

"Not like me…every day I get up and wonder if today's the day I fall off the wagon again. I still have nightmares about Paraguay. I know I should talk to someone, but I'm scared to do that too. My past keeps cropping up and hurting people."

"Don't tell me you have another husband floating around." She knew that was his weak attempt at levity, but it still made her eyes burn with tears.

"No, I was an adulteress, not a bigamist." Mac pulled the blankets up and around her more, but it was to no avail. Her body shivered, her teeth chattered, and it was from more than the cold. She gradually let Harm guide her down into the bed and tuck her into him.

"Mac," he whispered against her ear. "You keep calling yourself these names. You say you're an adulteress. You're an alcoholic. You're a drunk. You aren't any of those things. You committed adultery, once. You have a history of alcoholism, yes, but stop saying you're a drunk. I bet you tell yourself you're what Webb and your father said you were too. Each time you say those things…each time Webb, your father, me, say something like that…it puts another scar on you. I'm so sorry for giving you more scars. I know we're in for some difficult times…but I don't want to scar you anymore, and I don't want you to scar yourself."

Mac sniffled in the growing darkness. "But I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to separate what I did with who I am."

"I'll help, Mac…if you promise to help me too. I'm just as broken. So, you see, we make quite a pair."

"And you have your scars too." She was in part referring to the scar she noticed on his back the night before, but she also knew he carried scars from losing his father, from enduring the ramp strike that ended his flying days for so long, and from things she'd inflicted upon him.

"That I do, Mac."

"I'm sorry."

"I know." He pulled her closer and her tears started to fall.

"My scars, Harm…there's so many of them."

"I know, honey."

"Too many."

"No, Mac. Never too many. Turn around, Mac." She shook her head, refusing, until he bodily turned her over. She could tell he was trying not to make her feel trapped, however. He kept her close, but she knew she could easily get away.

"Now, look at me, Mac." She hesitated but finally did what she was told. "You know what I see? I see someone who is broken…beautifully broken. She has scars, maybe too many to count…but Sarah…even a million scars doesn't change who you are. You are worthy. You are loved. You can be whole again, okay?" He tipped her chin so he could look deep into her eyes. "Okay?" he said again, and Mac, now overwhelmed with a multitude of emotions, simply nodded before throwing herself into his arms. She cried, they both cried, and then they fell asleep. Morning greeted them with the return of power and the clearing of roads, and as they readied to leave, Harm stopped Mac and turned her toward him.

"Mac? Are we going to be okay?"

Mac thought a moment. She still had her doubts, still had her fears, and maybe it wasn't the definite response Harm wanted, but this time there was at least hope behind her honest answer.

"Yeah, I think we will be."

There was a flicker of sadness in his blue eyes, but he still gave her a true smile. "Okay…I can work with that. Ready, Mac?" He offered her his arm, and she took it.

"Ready," she answered, and together they walked out into the bright winter sun.

End Chapter 4