His room looks very different from what I remember. Before it was like an empty hotel room, but now I see him everywhere. In the pile of clothes by the floor, the messy bed, and the shoes peeking out from under the bed. His room has a fresh kind of smell. Soapy and sweet. I can't quite name the fragrance.

—Why don't you sit down? He says, cleaning up the clothes from the sofa under the window.

We sit down and stay in silence for some time. I don't know what I want to say to him. Nothing I say will change his opinion on vampires, but at least I want him to understand my decision.

I never thought I'd come to care for him like this. He used to be a person I felt like I had to avoid at all costs, to someone I'm glad to have in my life and want to call my friend frighteningly fast. There is something in the way he talks to me, like he has something he wants to say but can't find the words. It's almost like looking in a mirror. I fight with the words I want to say every day, trying to make sure I'm being understood and feeling so insecure about it that I end up not saying anything at all.

—You wanna talk? I ask, looking at my hands.

—About? He answers.

—Well… —I peek out of the window —the weather sucks today.

—The weather always sucks in Forks. He answers, smiling.

It's easy to talk to him. Honestly, too easy. I always talk too much when I'm with him and wonder if it's ok to be this honest. It's not like we're old friends, and although that's how I feel, I don't know if he feels the same. I'll start, and if it gets awkward, I'll change the subject.

—Are you… ok?

—…No.

—I can't… make you all right with what happened here, but I can guarantee you ahm… by personal experience that you will be fine.

—"I" will be all right?

—All right. Both of us.

Seth looks down, so I follow his eyes. He's looking at my bandaged up hand. It's not the best proof that he's safe, but this was just an accident.

—Oh, this? I guess this is an…. occupational hazard? He doesn't laugh at my bad joke.

—I thought you died, Anne. His eyes are so severe that it surprises me a bit. Sometimes he's so straightforward that I feel shy just being around him.

—Me too. I was afraid I was going to die.

—You're not afraid now?

I look at him, thinking about his question. I find the fear of having to leave Esme, of hurting the people I care about, of being alone. But, I can't find fear for the Cullens or for the fact they are vampires. To me, that's just a minor detail. The future is much more frightening. It can bring anything, including my memories.

—I don't know. Right now, I feel relieved I'm alive, and I can keep living in this house.

—Why do you want to stay?

Here it comes, the unsolicited honesty. I take a deep breath before speaking.

—Esme saved my life, and I want to give something in return, but honestly? I like living here. I feel safe.

Seth thinks about what I said for a moment, and I'm not sure if it was his intention, but his following words hurt me.

—They can't stay here very long, and you can't be with them forever.

Does he mean I'll be left behind? "That's what happens to humans that follow vampires" or something like that?

—I… don't know what you mean. I lie to him and myself. I know exactly what he meant.

—You don't think about it? About your future here?

—I try not to. Once again, I say aloud the words that should stay inside my mind. —I know that the day I recover my memories will be my last day here. I don't want to leave, so I don't think about it. Besides, imagine if I recover my memories tomorrow and become who I really am, an annoying preppy girl or maybe a cold-blooded murderer. I faintly laugh to cover up my discomfort. If I think about tomorrow, the panic consumes me, so I just say thank you for today and live in this moment; No more sinking into self-pity.

—You won't change. This person right now is who you are.

I actually smile this time looking at him —Thank you, I say as he smiles back at me.

The days that followed my accident were… average. Sometimes, Carlisle asks for blood samples or does an exam at home. Sometimes, I walk around the woods with Esme, enjoying the view. We never really leave the house, though. One time, I felt an intense pain in my neck and shoulder, and Esme was so worried we almost had to go back to the hospital, but Carlisle talked her out of it and gave me some medicine. I try not to drink it too often, although the pain is constant.

I didn't tell him, but the pain was at the exact point where the metal ring was. I found no clues on it, so that swimming suit stays deep inside my drawer, forgotten.

Seth and I spend the day in the game room doing a puzzle. He's not the biggest fan of puzzles, but he lost on rock-paper-scissors, so he's got no choice. At least today I don't have to play an old boring arcade game.

—Using holograms to do a puzzle is not as fun. He says, turning up his nose at the virtual pieces.

—What do you mean not the same thing? I try to fit a piece, but it lights up red, letting me know I got the wrong one again.

—Touching the pieces was much more fun, like reading books. I raise an eyebrow at him.

—You talk like you've held an actual book in your hands. He had to be over eighty years old to have even touched a book.

—I mean, I heard it was much better. My grandfather told me stories he heard from his father. Of course, I never touched one before. He's smiling awkwardly and looking a little crazy, in my opinion.

—Of course, you haven't. Unless you're a vampire too. I say, waggling my eyebrows.

—I'm not a vampire! He says a little too loud.

—All right, relax, ok? See, the piece next to you was the right one. I put the piece in the right place, and it blinks green twice before perfectly merging with the puzzle.

Seth usually laughs at my jokes or even teases me, but he doesn't like… vampire humor. Whenever Emmett jokes about dinner time, I always laugh, but he stays serious.

Halfway through the puzzle, Seth wants to go to the greenhouse. We haven't been back there in a while because of the snow, but Emmett and Carlisle cleaned up an excellent path to the glass castle yesterday.

—Sure. I say, standing up. —Let me just grab my coat.

I stop by my room and grab it before going downstairs with him.

—Where are you going? Esme asks, with the cleaning robot is right behind her. She's always busy around the house.

—To the greenhouse. I say.

—Oh, great. Seth, take a look at the Lillys for me, ok? Seth nods his head yes. —And Anne? She continues —Don't scare the frogs again, all right? Seth laughs loudly but stops when I look annoyed at him. This joke will never die down.

We walk through the path of ice together. I'm careful with every step, but Seth barely pays attention. He's dressed way too lightly for this cold, like usual.

—You don't feel cold? I ask, feeling my hands freezing.

—I'm used to it. He's walking backward now, looking at me and smiling.

—Even so, you'll… watch your step! I try to warn him of the step between the path and the grass, but he just walks over it without even taking his eyes off me.

—Show off… I whisper under my breath. He walks like that until we reach the greenhouse.

Like always, it's spring inside, so I remove my coat when we enter. Seth takes care of the flowers Esme asked him to. He's crouching, taking a close look, and always looking happy to see them. I stand next to him, trying to understand what he sees on them.

—They are beautiful today. I say when his silence gets a little too awkward.

—It's more than that. They make you feel happy.

—When did you start liking them? I crouch next to him.

—It's been a while. When I was younger, I would walk around the forest for hours. One day I found this huge field of flowers and just lay there for hours. If I close my eyes and can still smell them.

—Do you have your own greenhouse too?

—No, we don't have money or space for that in my house. I had never heard about his house before. When I first came here, he would go out quite a bit, but lately, he's always by my side.

—Where is your house?

—A bit far from here. Away from the city. He doesn't elaborate, but I can imagine his house is full of warm and energetic people all the time. I don't have anything to share, so I tend to hold back my questions a bit more now, feeling bad for making him talk about himself all the time.

I stand up and let him finish his job. My legs are tingly, so I walk around a bit, waiting for it to stop.

I reach my arm out, touching a few flowers along the way, feeling their textures on the palm of my hand. The cut is just a faint line now. As Emmett said, Carlisle used the good stuff on it, and it won't leave a scar.

I'm not sure if it's the heat or the overwhelming humidity, but my vision is a bit blurry. Tiny lights are floating in front of my eyes, and I feel light-headed. I can hear the voice of a woman behind me. She says, "Look at this," happy and excited. The voice sounds so close to me that I turn around, expecting to see someone, but there's no one. I keep looking around, walking and moving the leaves of the bigger plants, looking for someone I know isn't there.

—What's wrong? Seth asks. I didn't even notice he walked over to me.

—What? I'm still distracted.

—You're acting strange. Did you lose something? He asks, looking around.

—What? No… that's not it. I was just… looking around. I lie and smile a little at him. He doesn't ask anything and just smiles back.

—Let's go back. It's all in order here.

We go back to the house, and although the ground is still slippery, I can't concentrate on it. I can still hear the echo of that voice in my head. It's not the first time I had a… vision like this. The first time was when I looked at that flower on the computer table and saw a painting and now this.

—Anne? Anne! Seth is standing in front of me, and it looks like he's been calling my name for some time.

—Hum? What? I look around, and we're still halfway through the path.

—That's what I wanna know. Why did you stop? Seth looks concerned.

—I was… thinking. It's nothing. Come on. I walk past him, and he follows right behind me. I can feel a memory wanting to return, and I'm unsure what to do. I want to remember but, I don't want to remember.

I can feel Seth's eyes on my back the whole way to the house but ignore it. There are three things I've never told anyone so far. First, I'm seventy percent sure Rosalie attacked me because I made her do it. Second, my memory of the painting of flowers and now this voice just made number three on the list. I also know that I'll never tell anyone what's on this list until I understand what those things mean.

Seth didn't ask me anything all day, but he was curious. He watched me learn how to sew with Esme, yawning all the time. I am very proud of my progress so far. I'm basically an intermediate, and I can make almost any shape and more complicated stuff like a glove. And that's exactly what I need.

Lately, Alice has been stressing everyone out with her list of presents for the party. She walks around, mumbling like a crazy person, typing on her tablet. I'm as stressed as her because I want to give them a Christmas present too, but since I don't have a single drop of credit in my name, I'm making it from scratch. That's why I spend so much time learning these days, but I'm afraid I can't finish it in time, so I've been spending more time sewing at night.

Esme took a break from teaching me to make dinner. She's been testing recipes for the Christmas dinner, and Seth and I get to try all the food.

After dinner, I go straight to my room to work on my sewing. I calculated how much sleep I need to not look like a zombie and will be working for as long as possible.

I sew and sew until it's already three in the morning. I can't take it anymore and fall asleep, the voice still in my head. I put her with all the other memories I choose to keep hidden. Rosalie's memory is inside a special box. An extra sealed container in the farthest corner of my mind. I'm afraid that everything will happen again if I open and look at it, so I refuse to do so like the excellent coward I am.

The following day, Alice is jumping around looking happy instead of annoyed. She finished the list.

—We are going shopping, ALL together!

Today is Sunday, so everyone is at home. Even Carlisle, who is usually busy at the hospital, reads his newspaper on the flexible screen in the living room.

—Do we have to? Emmett asks, stretching over the kitchen table, looking tired. Rosalie is next to Alice and won't admit it, but I can tell she is excited as she peeks over Alice's shoulder to read the list.

—This is not a debate. We are going all together this year. This party will kick the butt of last year's!

I observe her excitement but can't really feel the same. I've been sleeping very little these days, and not even the coffee can keep me perfectly awake. But Alice doesn't care and tells everyone to get ready so I run to my room, but Seth stops me in the corridor.

—Are you going to tell me?

—Tell you what? I pretend not to know what he wants.

—You've been looking tired all week. You're not sleeping. Why?

—I sleep every day. I mentally add "for five hours."

He's looking at me, one eyebrow up. He won't let it go.

—All right. I'll tell you after we're back, ok? Alice is waiting for us.

—As soon as we come back?

—Yes. I promise.

Carlisle, Esme, Seth, and I share a car while Rosalie and Emmett ride another. We drive through the holiday decorations on the streets and busy people shopping in the rain and park inside a big shopping mall. Alice lines us up, ready to give instructions. She put us in pairs. Carlisle and Seth, Rosalie and Emmett, Esme and I. She then gave us a notepad with a list of items to collect. I thought we were trying on clothes, but this was the 2.0 version of a shopping day with her.

We walk around for hours, collecting the items on the list, and going back to the car from time to time to drop the bigger bags.

The mall is full of people shopping for the holidays and children running everywhere. Families line up to talk to Santa Claus and take a picture. Everyone is extra excited this time of the year, especially lovers. I had to scare off a bunch of guys that were hitting on Esme the whole day on top of carrying all those bags.

We finally finish the list and meet the others in front of the ice rink. Carlisle and Seth are already there, waiting for us.

—Finally! What took you so long? He says, running toward us.

—We are the ones that finished too fast. Carlisle says, hugging Esme's shoulders.

—The boy was running like crazy all day. How was shopping?

—Fun but tiring. Anne was rushing to finish as well. Esme's smiling and I am just glad I don't have to shoo strange men away from her anymore.

Emmett, Rosalie, and Alice walk to us, and we are finally all done. Alice checks her notepad one last time and congratulates us on the excellent work.

—Come on, I'll treat the kids to ice cream.

We all sit down on two long benches while Seth and I have some ice cream and get our very deserved rest. Some people walk by whispering and think I have ice cream on my face before noticing they are not looking at me. Of course, they are talking about the Cullens. Even if it's not for me, the attention is a bit strange. I stand up, saying I want to drink water, but I just want to walk away from those eyes for a moment. There is a line at the water station, so I line up and wait for my turn, observing the people pass by.

When I'm in the house, I don't think about anything, but here, in the middle of all these people, all I can think about is the fact I don't know who I am. I live in such an unbelievably different world from them that it is strange to be sharing a space like this. Families smile happily, and people my age walk around in big groups, probably enjoying their free time after school. I can't help but feel isolated in that crowd.

I drink my water and walk back. For some reason, Seth stood up, and he was talking with three girls a few steps away from the others. The girls smile a lot and seem friendly, but he looks serious. One of them touches his arm and makes an exaggerated surprised face, and although he won't smile, I wonder if this is how he is when he's with his friends. Not exactly the girls, but just laughing and having fun with his friends. That sounds much more fun than hagging out with me, honestly.

He sees me and walks away from the girls. They leave all together looking a bit annoyed.

—Hey. He says.

—You know them? I ask, looking at the girls walking away.

—I've never seen them before in my life, I swear. He has his arms up like I have a gun pointed at him or something.

—All right.

—I'm telling you, they came over to talk to me, but I didn't say a word. He's stumbling on his words and looking taken aback.

—Ahm… All right. I say again, a little confused. He looks at me, squinted-eyed like he's trying to read my face, lets out a big sigh, and walks over to the Cullens in silence.

When we come back, everyone is already up and ready to leave. The big clock over our head says five o'clock, and I'm dying, dragging my body to the unbelievably full car. Carlisle scooches over the bags to make just enough space for me and Seth to sit down.

The soft music in the background sounds like a lullaby. I have yet to catch up on my sleep, and we won't move because of traffic, so I need to find ways to keep awake. I'm pinching my arm, but the pain only keeps me alert for a few moments. My head is heavy, and the car is so hot right now, I'm starting to sweat. If I fall asleep now I won't wake up for hours I'm sure of that.

Esme and Carlisle talk about something in the front seat as my arm gets red and swallowed from all the pinching, but if I stop, I'll sleep for sure. Seth holds my hand and looks at me, confused. He saw me pinching myself. I mouth the word SLEEPY to him, and he does the same when he answers SLEEP. I shake my head no and push away his hand to resume my efforts to stay alert. He grabs my hand again and mouths the word STOP. I answer NO and pull my arm again, but he won't let go. LET GO, I say without a sound, but he won't budge. Esme and Carlisle are still talking in the front seat, and I don't want to fight with him in front of them, so I just say FINE, and he finally releases my arm. Like the rational woman I am, I kick his foot and go back to pinching the side of my thigh he can't see all the way home.

—I'll make dinner, so go ahead and rest a little. I'll send you a message when it's ready. Esme went straight to the kitchen after we took all the bags out of the car. I drag my feet back to my room, hoping to work on my presents before dinner so I can get a bit more sleep today, but Seth had other plans when he stopped me in the corridor.

—What was that? Why were you pinching yourself, and why are you so tired all the time?

He definitely won't let it go.

—I was trying not to sleep. That's all.

—But why? Every day you look exhausted, like you're about to drop on the floor any minute. I'm surprised he noticed that. I thought I was hiding how tired I was very well, but I guess not.

—Well… I look behind him to make sure no one is around and get closer to him. I put one hand on his shoulder so I could get on my toes to reach his ear to whisper —I have a project.

I smile and wait for his reaction, but he doesn't even look at me. I snap my fingers in front of him until he finally reacts.

—So… Got it now? I say, smiling again.

—Got what? He asks like he didn't hear me, so I step closer to him again, but he steps away, saying, I got it, I got it, and goes inside his room.

He pestered me to know what I was doing, and now he won't even say anything? I stomp my feet back to my room. Whatever. I'm not telling him anything.

While waiting for Esme to call us for dinner, I work on my presents. When her message pops up on my screen, I quickly get out of the room; I'm starving.

Seth is in the corridor, clearly waiting for me, but I pass by him. He grabs my arm gently.

—I think it's really cool you have a project. Let me know if I can help. He's looking down, but I can see he's smiling a little. I give him a thumbs-up, and we go downstairs.

—Be one hundred percent honest with me. Esme has her little notepad at hand as we taste the food. —I followed the recipe to a "t.

Esme is practicing for the Christmas dinner, and we are the ones that have to evaluate the food since we're the only people in the house who can actually taste it. It's a lot of pressure, but I try to give my honest opinion politely. Seth, on the other hand, is sometimes too honest.

After dinner, we hang out in the TV room like usual. Alice and Seth are playing with one of their old video game machines. Today is a weird blue animal that runs, grabbing gold rings. I can't understand what's so fun about a game you can't play with virtual reality, but they are having a blast. Carlisle, Esme, and I are sitting at the table.

—I got more tests results today, but nothing yet. Sorry. Carlisle apologizes to me almost every day lately. He's trying his best, and I'm sorry there is nothing I can do to help.

—I understand. I'm sorry I can't help.

—Anne, how old do you think you are? His question is so random that I need a second to think.

—I don't know. Maybe 18? Or 17? Sometimes I feel older, but I think I'm under 19.

—Why do you feel older?

—Hum… It's just a feeling. It must be because I lost my memories, no?

—Maybe. Carlisle touches his chin like he's thinking about a difficult question.

—Do you think I'm older? Did you find anything?

—Not really. You're right. Your blood says you're between 17 and 19.

—You can drive if you want. Esme smiles. Driving is not a challenge. A child with enough knowledge of what buttons to press could drive.

—I guess… Carlisle and Alice have the strange habit of driving in manual mode, and I'm not confident enough to take lessons from either of them. —Maybe. Someday.

—Is there anything you want to do? Or a place you want to visit? Esme's questions are not so simple to answer. I have a place I want to go to but not for fun. I need a few things to finish my presents, but I'll ruin the surprise if I ask her to take me.

—Not really.

—You sure? Aren't you bored inside this house all day? Esme doesn't believe my words, but honestly, I'm not. I can talk to them, walk around with Esme, go to the greenhouse with Seth or watch a movie together. Besides, whenever I'm around other people, I can only think about what I lost and feel left out.

—Not really.

—If you say so… Esme looks at Carlisle and back to me.

—Ah! Alice's voice makes us look at the machines. —We are going out tomorrow too. I forgot I made an appointment for you in the mall.

—The mall? Esme asks.

—Yeah. Me, Anne, Seth, and you. Alice says, grabbing Seth by his shoulders. —we are going to get a fresh cut for the party. Alice looks like she has some evil plan for us. Her eyes twinkle like stars, and I have a terrible feeling about this.