Greater Expectations
Author's Note: A sequel to the episode "Pip" / "Great Expectations". Enjoy the story and R&R.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to or of South Park.
Summary:
Phillip "Pip" Pirrup returns to England for Pocket's funeral, discovering that a rash of robberies has occurred in his hometown of Drop-A-Chair-Upon-Top-Snot. A close relative of Ms. Havisham's appears to claim the family's fortune and use it to exact revenge on the male race.
An old Englishman sat upright amongst the books of his study, reading from a particularly lengthy literary work entitled Great Expectations.
He looked up from its pages, a wise and adept smile crossing his face.
"Aaah, Dickens! The imagery of cobblestone streets, cragging London buildings, and nutmeg-filled Yorkshire puddings," he began, setting the book aside to introduce himself. "Hello, I'm a British person. For years now, the character Pip has been featured prominently on the American show, South Park. Those who have seen the first Pip-themed episode know that he is the little Englishman from Charles Dickens' timeless classic, Great Expectations. And so tonight, we visit the boy once again in America, where our new tale begins. It is the final day before summer vacation, and Pip receives shocking news…"
…
Mr. Garrison had his back turned to the students, writing math problems on the board. He, like everyone else, wanted to get out of school as soon as possible and enjoy his vacation.
"Okay children, now who can tell me what five times five is?" He turned around. "Come on, don't be shy."
Two hands shot up in the rows of seated children.
Garrison immediately identified them as Kyle Broflovski and Eric Cartman. They were unmistakable: The A-plus kid and the fat kid.
"Yes, Kyle." He pointed to the Jew.
"Ey! How come you never pick me?" Cartman yelled, already knowing fully the response he would get.
"Because you never know the answer, butt-for-brains," the teacher replied coldly.
"Twenty-five," Kyle interjected.
"Oh…oh yes that's correct." Mr. Garrison nodded. "How about six times four?"
Again, only Kyle and Cartman raised their hands.
"Kyle."
"What? You stupid hippie, I'm gonna kick you in the nuts!" the fat boy screamed angrily at Garrison.
"Calm down, Eric!" he commanded.
"I don't wanna!" Cartman whined.
"No!" the teacher countered with the falsetto from his hand puppet, Mr. Hat. "You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!"
Cartman quieted down, cursing under breath at the damned puppet.
"Now tell the class the answer, Kyle."
"Twenty –"
He was cut off when a mail courier launched himself forcefully through the classroom door, nearly knocking it off its hinges.
"Dude!"
"What the hell?" Garrison panicked.
"Letter 'ere for Mr. Pirrup." He presented an envelope to the British boy, indicating various spots on his clipboard. "Sign heah, and heah, and heah."
The blond signed quickly, watching as the deliverer left. He slipped the message into his backpack for a later time.
"Now you don't see that everyday. Do you, Mr. Hat?"
"You sure don't, Mr. Garrison," he talked to himself.
…
The bell rang. Students and teachers rushed out into the snow. The school counsellor, Mr. Mackey, was the last to exit, mumbling a silent "M'kay" as he locked the doors.
"Hey Frenchy, what was that letter all about?" Cartman asked outside South Park Elementary, his three friends trailing him.
"Oh, well gentlemen, I don't believe I've read it yet," Pip said softly. "And I'm not from France, I'm –"
"Come on, fat ass. If we hurry, we can get to the pond before everybody else." Stan walked past.
"All right, all right!" The overweight child followed.
Pip stood alone for several minutes, the cool wind blowing through his hair. He should have been used to being shunned by his classmates by now. A brief moment of anguish passed before he decided ultimately to read the letter:
Dear stupid pathetic boy,
I'm informing you of your friend, Mr. Pocket's passing. He's been struck down suddenly by Hepatitis B.
Enclosed is a plane ticket, which you will use to travel to England to attend his funeral. He left explicit instructions in his will that dictated your invitation…you smelly little bastard.
-Estella (P.S. Stop dreaming about me, you gamy mass of baby vomit!)
Pip smiled, his spirits rising. He hadn't seen the girl in years. He was sad about his former roommate's death, but the radiance of Estella's image obviously overshadowed his loss.
…
"Later that day, Pip went to the airport and departed for England," the British person explained. "When he arrived, he was greeted by none other than Estella herself."
…
"There you are, my small-testicled love," Estella's voice dripped with toned-down venom.
Her insult did not faze him. He instead stood frozen, captivated by her ever-blossoming beauty.
In the years that they had been apart, her hair had grown longer, the golden curls enhanced beyond anything Pip had ever seen. Her face was bright, and her rosy cheeks shone with bliss.
"Stop looking at me, you silly little boy!" she ordered.
"Oh, hello Estella." He shook off his trance. "Pardon me for my rudeness."
"Come, we must depart." She took his hand and dragged him to her ride.
As the carriage moved in the moonlight, Pip told Estella all about his adventures while living in South Park, Colorado. She was not impressed at such commoner activity, but listened regardless to pass the time.
The carriage finally came to a stop in front of the Havisham estate. The last time Pip visited, the house was in flames, destroyed in the explosion of Ms. Havisham's Genesis Device. Now, however, it looked brand new. The walls were painted the same colour as before, and the windows that dotted them were void of dust and cobwebs.
"Estella, how did –?"
"After mother's death, I inherited the family fortune and estate." She stepped out of the vehicle. "I had the manor restored and sold the remains of the Genesis Machine to a scrapheap."
"I see." Pip offered his hand. "Walk with me?"
She batted it away. "No, this way! You vile, retching excuse-of-a-duck!"
"Righto then."
He followed her into the mansion, and was surprised to find two golden staircases stretching up either side of the parlour. At the top of one of them was an old woman he regarded as the wretched Ms. Havisham herself.
"Lord bless me! It's Ms. Havisham!" he gasped.
"Don't worry, you festering lump of skin! That's just Auntie Molly."
"Auntie Molly?" Pip's breathing returned to normal.
"Yes. She assisted me with the restoration."
"Dear me, she looks an awful lot like your mother!" he whispered.
A sudden burst of wind alerted the two.
"For goodness sake, Auntie, call the maids, will you? There's a terrible draft in here, and we can't risk a break-in by that gang of thieves!"
"Thieves, you say?" Pip's curiosity grew.
"Indeed. A gang of thieves has been targeting upper-class families for weeks now. We even received a threat from them."
"I say! What a befuddlement this is!" he spoke gingerly, as if it were something of simple discussion.
"Time to retire to our rooms. I'll show you yours." Estella guided him up the nearest staircase, opening a large wooden door. "Here we are."
"My, it's splendidly big!" Pip was awestruck.
His gaze focused on a girl standing in the corner. She had curly brown hair tied back with blue ribbon and wore a white dress that flowed past her knees. Atop a tray in her hands was a single glass of water. She was still, almost like a statue.
"Who might you be?" he asked kindly.
She did not respond.
"That's the water girl, Diana. No worries, she won't bother you," Estella assured.
"Would you like a glass of water, sir?" she quietly offered.
"That's quite all right," Pip declined politely.
She returned to her unmoving state.
"Good night, Pip." Estella closed the door, leaving him in the darkness.
…
Molly made sure Estella had gone to bed before entering the dining room, furnished extensively with fine tables and silverware. She sat herself in a metal chair, similar to the throne her sister had once sat upon for countless years. Peering at the grandfather clock, she could not keep herself from smiling.
It was twenty minutes to nine, the same time her sister had been abandoned, husbandless, at the altar. Of course, Havisham herself had stopped the clock at that particular time. Molly saw no reason to fix it. She felt her sister's pain…and shared her hatred towards men.
"Do not fret, sister. Soon we will have our revenge! Once I inherit your fortune and estate, all will be well. But we cannot do this so long as Estella yet lives. Oh, why did you will it all to her? She is unworthy of the Havisham name!"
She listened to the ticks of the clock. Attempts by the long hand to move beyond the eight were futile.
"We cannot rely on time to consume her, sister. We may begin, but the authorities will end it. There must be another way! I will find it!"
…
The British person nodded warmly holding his book. "The following day, Pip and Estella attended Pocket's funeral. Unbeknownst to them, Molly plotted during their absence, and found suitable business partners to aid in her vendetta."
…
"So, in return for your services, I will pay you a hefty sum, gentlemen," the old woman snarled.
"Indeed madam. 'ou've chosen wisely to include us in your plan," one of the criminals croaked.
"None dare cross us," the second laughed.
Molly agreed, "That is why the people in this town are afraid. You burglars are the best in the business. For weeks, you've terrorized them, and now it comes to this. All you have to do is deal with Estella."
"Yes ma'am, we understand."
They mizzled, three criminals about to hit the jackpot.
"Ey boss, can we trust 'is old hag?" Doyle asked concernedly.
"She's a mare what ought be afraid." Arthur smirked. "The instant she sees the girl, we kill 'er and take the loot!"
"Marvelous it is!" Conan chuckled.
…
Pip and Estella, dressed completely in black, entered the mansion. The funeral had left them tired and mournful. The fact that there was no illumination in the foyer sent further shivers down their spines.
"Why are the lights out? Auntie, are you here?" Estella shouted into the darkness. She screamed when a face popped up from the shadows.
"'ello there!" The individual it belonged to hit the girl over the head, sending her to the ground.
"Estella! What happened?" Pip gasped. "What's going on?"
"Looky what we got 'ere!" One of them grabbed Pip by his arm. "A wee 'ittle Englishman it be."
"Let me go!" He pulled away, only to join his love on the carpet.
"Ey, where did 'e go?"
Pip took the opportunity to escape by crawling up one of the staircases. He could not tell exactly who their attackers were, but he was sure that they would be distracted long enough for him to get away. Estella, cursedly, was not so fortunate.
He made a silent vow to return and save her, and crept into a random chamber.
"Would you like a glass of water, sir?"
Pip nearly had a heart attack. "Don't scare me like that!"
"I'm sorry, sir. It won't happen again," Diana apologized.
"Quick! There's someone in the house! They've taken Estella!" his voice cracked.
"I'm just the water girl."
"Estella orders you to help me rescue her!" He shook her.
"If it is Ms. Estella's wish."
"Righto!" Pip opened a window, extending a leg to the low roof.
…
"Excellent work gentlemen," Molly cackled.
"A-auntie, w-why?" Estella coughed up blood.
Doyle tightened the ropes around her hands, enjoying his work.
"Because you did not live up to your mother," she explained. "You did not complete the cycle. You were raised to break men's hearts, and you failed miserably."
"B-but I –!"
"And once you are gone, I will claim the Havisham fortune and do things myself."
"That's what this is about?"
"Yes. And the authorities won't be able to trace your mysterious disappearance back to me, either. You see, my dear, the nice gentlemen here are going to do me a favour."
Conan pointed his pistol at the struggling Estella.
"Oh no!" She closed her eyes, awaiting the inevitable…but it never came.
"Take 'is, you old hag!"
She heard shots fired, but they were intercepted by something metallic.
"It seems that I was wrong to hire you, gentlemen," Molly said, disappointed.
Estella was mortified to find the gunmen dead on the floor.
"Nothing is done well by male swine." She sneered. "Forget the authorities! The fortune I gain will be enough to cover everything up!"
The growls of robotic monkeys filled her ears.
…
A couple blocks from the Havisham estate, Pip and Diana were huddled behind an derelict building.
"We must hurry! Estella is in danger!" he breathed heavily.
"We can't do this alone! It'd be suicide!"
Pip pondered, trying to concentrate. "Joe!"
"Joe? The village blacksmith?"
"Joe's my brother-in-law! He was there when we stopped Ms. Havisham, years ago!"
"There's a slight problem with that," Diana communicated sadly. "Joe died three weeks ago in an accident."
"What?" Pip's mouth hung open. "Why wasn't I told?"
"This is hardly the time to speculate! Is there anyone else you can think of?"
"Maybe. There's this fellow, but I don't know how we could get a hold of him."
"What's his name?" Diana questioned.
"Damien."
Rectus! Dominus!
In a flash of light, a Goth appeared in a torrent of fire above Pip and Diana. His black hair swayed in the night air, and his red eyes gleamed with strength. He floated in midair for three seconds before his feet planted themselves on the ground.
"You called?"
"What?" The water girl's expression was one of pure confusion.
"Damien!" Pip was amazed. "You're here!"
"Been a long time, Pip." The son of Satan smiled. "What's up?"
"We're in a bit of a, how do you say it? A jam!"
"Do tell."
Pip could tell Damien was acting melodramatic. The Brit still remembered when the scamp first enrolled at South Park Elementary. The thought of the devil child's gift to Eric Cartman was sickening. Damien had changed Pip into a living firework and propelled him into the sky at the lummox's birthday party.
"My friend Estella…She's being held captive by criminals!"
"Friend?" Damien did not sound convinced.
"More like a lady friend," he admitted.
The demon spawn rubbed his chin. "I'll help ya."
"You will?"
"Guess I owe you for that time I blew you up," he sighed.
"Come on! Let's go kick their arses"
…
"And now we come to the final act, in which the stage is set for an epic showdown. Molly Havisham's robot monkeys prove a formidable foe, but Pip is not about to let Estella die at the hands of her manic aunt. And now the thrilling conclusion to Greater Expectations!"
…
Molly laughed at the sight of Estella's beaten body, writhing on the dining room floor. It was something she had awaited for a very long time.
"Estella, do you see now?" she coaxed. "All this pain could have been avoided if you'd just gone along with your mother's intentions. Instead, you fell for that commoner!"
"H-he's not a commoner anymore, Auntie," she choked, her hair a strewn mess. "He's a gentleman. He was then and he is now!"
Suddenly, a huge cloud of smoke filled the room, stemming from the charred doorway.
"Not so fast, you ugly ancient bitch!"
"Pip?" Estella was relieved.
"Your manhating days are over!" Diana played heroic.
"Quite the contrary." Molly pushed a red button on her seat.
Robot monkeys rained from the ceiling in hordes, crunching their sharp teeth.
"Sir, get Estella! We'll take care of these!" The water girl threw a chair at the ravenous machines.
The simians surrounded them, more dropping in from the roof.
"Feel my wrath!" Damien shouted, his vision arching with intense heat.
Furniture around the room was lifted into the air by a hellish hurricane. Many of the monkeys were also caught in the storm, their bodies shattering upon impact with other objects.
Damien lit miniature fireballs between his fingers, tossing them at incoming monstrosities and setting them ablaze. In a matter of minutes, he torched Havisham's entire army.
"Estella, are you okay?" Pip held her tightly.
"Except for about fifty punches to the stomach, I think I'll live!" she replied sarcastically. "What took you so long, you oozing, painful hemorrhoid that belches pus?"
"Watch out, sir!" Diana warned.
Havisham was descending upon them, a dagger in hand.
Pip slid under her, kicking her ankles. She fell, the knife landing several feet away.
"Nooo!" She tried getting up.
Damien summoned another wave of fire. It scorched through the carpet and hit the downed woman directly in the back. She thrashed in the flames for a while, before she finally went limp, burned to the bone.
"She's gone." Estella stood up with Pip's support.
"Poor, poor Molly Havisham. Doomed to the same fate as her sister," Diana whispered.
"Pip," Estella started.
"Yes?"
She gave him a hug. "Damn your timing, you stupid pathetic boy!"
"Ah, well."
"I better get back to Hell," Damien interrupted.
"Leaving so soon, Damien?" Pip let go of Estella.
"Ya, but we'll meet again someday."
He vanished in a spiral of sparks.
"I'm glad everything worked out."
They exited the manor, and the next day, Pip returned to South Park, where he would again be ridiculed for going to summer school.
…
"And they all lived happily ever after! So ends Greater Expectations. We hope you now have a deeper appreciation for Pip, and indeed, all masterpieces of literature. Until next time. I'm a British person. Good night."