AN: Thanks for letting me tell this story and for making it through the last two chapters. There will be more flashbacks later on but not of that incident.
Olivia picked at the sore skin around her finger nails, peeling each layer back. The subsequent sting was like a breath of fresh air; it made her feel. It was a pain she knew how to process, unlike the other one. A day had come and gone since breaking down on Fitz and despite Curtis's reassurances that she'd feel better, she felt like absolute shit. The confrontation hadn't been the emotional catharsis she'd hope. Nothing spectacular changed. She'd woke up that morning, next to Curtis, to nothing. No miracle cure. The memories were still in her head, but now she had a huge slab of guilt on her chest. She didn't think of herself to be the type to live in what if's, but now she can't stop them from coming. If only she'd said something to Fitz sooner. Maybe then this all could've been resolved and she wouldn't have lost a love that never truly got its chance to be.
"Stop picking at your nails." Maya Pope chided from across the kitchen table. "You're making yourself bleed. What are you in knots over?"
Sighing, Olivia dropped her hands into her lap. Her mother was right. Her hands were blistered and red. Angry. Just as she felt. It was much of the reason why she'd taken the day off. Million dollar contracts needed to be evaluated with a keen, focused eye; something Olivia knew she didn't possess at the moment.
"I'm not," Olivia lied.
"You pick at yourself under two conditions, the first is failure, the second is guilt. So did you lose a big case and you're on thin ice or did you win a big case and the moral fallout is more than you can deal with?" Maya closed the notebook in front of her and dropped her pen on the tabletop.
Olivia opened her mouth to call her mother's claims ridiculous but immediately closed it. She hadn't told her parents what happened to her. They didn't know about Halloween night. When she'd withdrawn from Yale and returned to D.C., she'd never explained why. They'd pushed at first, but when she'd enrolled in Georgetown, they stopped asking. She'd never wanted to tell them that she hadn't been able to take care of herself; that she failed at the most basic of responsibilities. "I lost a case." Olivia shrugged.
"You're lying," Maya responded.
"I'm not!" Olivia lied again.
"I've known you for twenty-nine years. I was the first person to look into your eyes, to powder that little butt, and clean that behind those ears. I know when you're lying." Maya Pope might've been a French teacher, but her ability to cut across bullshit was akin to that of a prosecutor's.
Olivia weighed the situation in her mind. If she told her mother about Fitz, well what happened then? How did she even explain the guilt she carried to her mother who knew nothing of the trauma her daughter experienced? "I just… ran into someone I was expecting to run into and things just — it's hard to explain."
"Kinda like your decision to leave Yale? Just hard to explain." Maya pushed.
Since Fitz had walked back into her life just shy of two week ago, Olivia's reactions were hard to gauge. She didn't know what would or wouldn't upset her. The hard coiffed persona she'd carved out as someone who kept her emotions at bay had been tossed to the wind. Several times now she'd reacted out of the character she'd created to keep the outside world at arm's length.
Now, as her mother brought up Yale, Olivia could feel the pins and needles she'd been sitting on for the last several hours sink into her skin. The tears were imminent. She tried to suck them in; she tried to keep them at a distance, but it was to no avail. The dam broke. Tears spilt over her eyelids and she let out a gut wrenching sob. Her chin touched her chest. Shame washed over her.
"Livvie, oh, Livvie, baby. What's wrong?" Maya's arms engulfed Olivia and they only prompted her to cry harder. She hadn't even heard Maya leave her seat.
Six years of sectioning herself off, holding parts in, and dismissing things all together had finally come to a fever pitch. For several long moments, Olivia simply cried in her mother's arms, though she felt that the comfort offered wasn't earned. It felt undeserved. Finally, her cries slowed. She sniffled and pulled back, meeting her mother's gaze.
Olivia had a strenuous relationship with both of her parents - or rather their expectations. She felt that they'd set the bar higher and higher with each of her accomplishments. They'd spared no expense with her education; they'd made certain she went to private school despite it being out of their pay grade; they'd sent her to Brown for undergrad. They'd gone without to make sure she had. At a certain point, Olivia felt that their affection was dependent upon her next accomplishment and the next never seemed to be enough.
"Baby, what's going on?" Maya prodded again. "You can tell me anything."
"No, I can't," Olivia's response was immediate.
Maya's eyebrows folded together in confusion. "Yes, you can."
"No. If I do, I'm a failure. I can't be. I can't. I didn't. I wanted to stay at Yale. I tried. I tried so hard, mom. I didn't want to fail. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to win," Olivia tried. Her words felt like mismatched puzzle pieces, much like her head. She couldn't make sense of anything. "But he was there. He kept taunting me and teasing me. He knew what he did and it didn't matter. I didn't matter."
"He who? Win what? Livvie, baby, please. Just set it out there. Tell me what happened." Maya's tone sounded pleading, needy. It caught Olivia off guard. Her mom was always so assured and certain. Right now she just sounded...scared.
Olivia's bottom lip trembled and her eyes began to water once more. "I left Yale because…" She closed her eyes, a long tear spilling over her left eyelid. "I thought if I didn't talk about it, it wouldn't matter. I told you I'd gotten into it with a guy, but I never told you what that was…. He. It was Halloween and I thought it was the guy I liked at first, but it wasn't. He - it was. He raped me, mama," Olivia whispered, reverting to childhood and calling Maya 'mama.' The rest of her words came out like hot stones - fast and angry.
Maya's eyes widened and she pulled Olivia close again. "I told your dad that the only way you could've ever left school was if someone hurt you. I was hoping it was a broken heart. Not this."
Olivia's tears started up once more. "I was okay and then - then the guy I thought. The one who I thought...the one I accused of setting me up…"
"Setting you up? Livvie, you've gotta find a way for this to make sense for me because my mind is filling in the blanks right now and baby, it's not good."
Forcing her tears to slow, Olivia lifted her chin and pulled back to look at Maya once again. "I accused someone of helping the guy who...raped me. It was someone I really liked. I thought he helped hurt me and I've spent so long hating him for it since and he didn't do it. He - I really liked him and now I don't even know how to apologize for being —"
"Livvie, you've been holding this close to your chest for five and a half years now? Have you talked to anyone? Did you tell anyone? Baby, how have you been healing?"
It hit Olivia then. She wiped at her eyes. "I haven't."
Mellie backed away as Fitz entered. He kicked her door shut with the heel of his sneaker. Somewhere in his mind, he knew that he had to get his rage under control. Yes, he was pissed beyond recognition with Mellie. Yes, he was so angry that he couldn't see straight. But he wasn't violent. At least not with someone who couldn't match his physicality nor who happened to be his daughter's mother.
"Answer me, damn it!" he demanded.
"I don't know what the hell you're talking about!" Mellie shouted back.
They continued into the apartment, Fitz advancing on her until they were out of the foyer and into the living room. She glanced behind her just in time to sidestep the arm of the couch, instead she landed on the edge of the creme sofa.
"You do. Olivia Pope. Halloween. Our 1L year. You set her up." Fitz seethed. His chest expanded with hot air.
"You won't answer my calls to talk about my daughter but you want to talk about some exotic tart from years ago? You have a lot of nerve!" She rose to her feet and tried to stomp past Fitz, but he caught her elbow. "Let go of me!"
"Sit your ass down before I do it for you," Fitz growled, teeth gritted. "Now." His eyes matched Mellie's. He could see genuine fear clouding the bright blue he'd once gotten lost in. How had he felt so much for a woman so malicious.
"So you're going to hit me? That'll be good for the judge."
Judge? "The hell are you talking about?" Fitz glared down at Mellie. He could see Karen. The mouth shape, the eyes. How had this woman given him something so special in his daughter?
"Andrew and I are getting married and I'm coming for full custody of Karen."
"The hell you will!" Fitz boomed. His voice vibrated off the apartment walls. He took several steps back, away from Mellie. The more distance he put between them, the less likely he was to explode. Or so he hoped. "After what you did to Olivia, you'll be lucky if you even see her once a year."
"I don't know what you think I did to Olivia, but I didn't do anything to her. I haven't heard her name in years. She means nothing to me."
The venom in Mellie's words made Fitz's skin crawl. He wanted nothing more than to put his fist through Mellie's face. How had he ever gotten close enough to her to create Karen. "You knew I was in love with her. You knew I wanted nothing to do with you." Mellie visibly flinched. His words clearly had hit a nerve. "What I don't understand is why? Did you know what he was going to do to her?"
"You were obsessed with her and it was pathetic," she hissed. "I don't know what you're trying to piece together or what you're trying to get out of me but—"
Fitz's patience ran out. He kicked the ornate coffee table, knocking everything to the carpeted floor. "You screwed your way into the Yale Law Review. You cheated your way into the top of our class. Your entire closet is full of unsavory little secrets. Don't think for a second I won't set it all out for your choir boy doctor to hear. You set Olivia Pope up. She was raped and you didn't give one damn."
Mellie's cool facade slipped momentarily. Fitz watched as the self concern rippled across her face. "And who the hell did I help do that to her, huh?"
"You know damn well it was Jake."
Mellie touched the delicate chain around her neck and crossed her legs. "She slept with your best friend, yet you're mad at me?" She looked away.
Two long strides put Fitz in front of Mellie, he seized her shoulders, lifting her to her feet. How he wanted to shake her. "He forced himself on her. In her. You made sure that happened." His voice was dangerously low. The calm before the storm.
"I didn't do anything besides lick the wounds she left you. Now let me go. You know I'm still the best shot this side of the Mississippi. I hate to see what the headlines would do to your father's career," Mellie threatened.
Fitz let her go. He took several steps back. "Come near my daughter and I'll kill you." He didn't wait for any response she had. As quickly as he'd blown into her apartment, he stomped out, slamming her door so hard behind him he was certain he'd heard something fall and break.