AN: Parts of this chapter might be uncomfortable. There are no sexual assault scenes and limited description, but the word rape is mentioned a couple of times. Just wanted everyone to know.
EDIT: Someone said that I don't know how to write because I like cliffhangers. I know cliffhangers can be annoying and I also know that sometimes I make mistakes I've been getting better at catching. I have dyslexia so I don't always catch everything. I've had a couple of people help me and I'm thankful. As for I don't know how to write? Okay. I respect your decision to stop reading. I just wanted to say, though, that it's my style. Not a lack of ability for the most part.
Stale coffee and even staler donuts stared back at Olivia as she hovered over the refreshments table, gaze unfocused. She kept going back to the train, back to the man who'd passed her. While she wanted to believe she'd been seeing things, a part of Olivia didn't think she was. His face often permeated her nightmares. Sometimes he just hovered above her and held her down. Before she could feel him inside of her, her brain would wake her. Cold sweat ran down her back and her blankets would be bundled around her ankles. Other times, she would be trapped in that room. No matter how many times she ran towards the door, it always seemed to be just out of arm's reach. Not only that, but she could hear Jake laughing at her, taunting.
"First time?"
Olivia turned her head at the sound of the voice to find a brunette white woman with deep brown eyes. The woman offered up a soft smile that Olivia returned, albeit much more forced. "That apparent, huh?"
Again, the woman smiled. "Yeah, you've been starring at the donuts for a few minutes now."
"I didn't realize. Sorry."
"Don't apologize. I'm Elizabeth, but you can call me Lizzie." Lizzie offered up a hand.
"Olivia." Olivia took Lizzie's hand. "Do these things ever get easier?"
"No," Lizzie said flatly.
What little hope Olivia had deflated; she frowned. "Oh."
"I mean, they do, but they don't. It's never easy to tell a room full of strangers what happened to you, but you eventually start to see that what happened to you wasn't and isn't your fault. The people who commit this type of violence do so because they're fucked up people. Not us." Lizzie dotted her point by stabbing a donut. She lifted it up and brought it to her mouth, taking a bite.
Somehow, standing and watching Lizzie made Olivia feel normal again. A feeling she hadn't had in ages.
"Livvie, let's grab a seat," Maya suggested as she rounded around Lizzie.
Olivia couldn't stifle the groan that boiled deep from her belly. She was thankful both of her parents were being supportive; she knew they both had to come to the information on their own, but her mom was hovering. "Mom, I told you –"
"Mom?" Lizzie repeated. She turned toward Maya and then nodded. "You're Olivia's mother? You two look more like sisters than mother and daughter."
Olivia watched as her mother's lips formed a tight smile. Nothing amused Maya Pope. She was far more of a hard ass when it came down to it than her husband. "Mom, this is Lizzie. Lizzie, mom."
"Charmed," Maya responded. Lizzie extended a hand that Maya barely took. "Livvie, we should grab a seat."
"Are you joining the group today Ms…" Lizzie started.
"Mrs. Pope."
Lizzie smiled. "Mrs. Pope?"
"I am," Maya informed them.
"Will you be sharing with us then?"
Olivia cocked an eyebrow in her mother's direction; a small smile teased her lips. For the first time in a few weeks, she was legitimately amused. Whatever Lizzie was trying to get at wasn't going to end well with Maya on the other end.
"I don't have anything to share. I'm just here to support my daughter and to make sure she shares," Maya answered.
Lizzie's face scrunched up. "Ooh, sorry Mrs. Pope. With the things shared in this room, we really don't like to have bystanders."
"But I'm here to support my daughter."
"We do support shares on Thursdays." Lizzie smiled once more.
Olivia watched as her mother's lower jaw dropped slightly. Maya's eyes darkened and
she looked from Lizzie to Olivia. "I'm staying to support my daughter. I'm not leaving."
"Olivia, would you mind your mother not attending today. It'll give everyone a chance to acclimate to you and then on support share we'll get your mom in here."
Olivia's mouth formed a small O, it was her turn to look between her mother and Lizzie. "Well, mom…I think – I'm okay to share today. I can handle it. Why don't you go up the street to that bookstore we've been wanting to go to, and I'll meet you there?"
"I thought we were going to together after this?" Maya asked.
"I'll be okay, mom. I know you're worried. You practically dragged me here, but I'll be okay," Olivia tried. The unease from the train ride seemed to seep away as soon as she'd had her mother to focus on. She didn't know whether or not 'support' was allowed to stay at the crisis meetings, but something about sharing to a room full of strangers and her mother made this process far more laborious than she wanted it to be.
"Livvie, I'm worried about you."
"Don't worry, Mrs. Pope," Lizzie butted in, "we'll take good care of Olivia. She'll be okay."
Olivia nodded. "I'll meet you at the bookstore."
Strangely enough, Maya conceded. She squeezed Olivia's left shoulder before pressing a kiss to Olivia's left cheek. "I'll be right down the street."
"I know, ma."
They shared a knowing glance and Maya exited; hesitancy was still written all over her face. Olivia turned back to Lizzie.
"I hope that didn't come off too harsh," Lizzie said. "I just didn't think you'd want your mom around if you do decide to share today. Parents are a catch twenty-two with these things. Either they support you and it turns into smothering or they don't support you and you're left to spiral. I was the spiral."
Olivia listened. She couldn't help but frown as Lizzie spoke. She wondered which one she'd be. Yes, her parents believed her. Yes, she was sure that her father was trying to track down a list of all men attending Yale. But she'd been holding it in for so long, refusing to feel any of it that she didn't know what was going to happen when all of the feelings hit at once. Olivia opened her mouth to speak but stopped short. It was still hard.
"Don't worry about sharing right now if you don't want to," Lizzie said. "That counts for here and group.
"Thanks," Olivia whispered. She turned back to the table in search of some tea.
The first few shares had left Olivia's heart splitting in half. Each story seemed to have one thing in common; all of the women knew their rapists in some shape or form. One woman – no more than twenty, if that – had shared that her assailant was her uncle; another, someone she considered a best friend.
"Anyone else like to share?" Lizzie asked. "If not, we can call it a day. Remember, you are not obligated to share."
Olivia fidgeted in place. She knew she didn't have to say anything, but she'd come here to heal, which meant opening up. She'd kept it inside for so long….
Timid, she raised her hand. "I'll go. My name is Olivia, and I don't feel like I should be here." A couple of heads turned in her direction, but she didn't acknowledge them. "I was raped going on six years ago and I've never really talked about it until recently. I thought it was in the past and that it couldn't hurt me anymore. I'd only told three people what had happened until yesterday: my best friend, my boyfriend – maybe-boyfriend – and a professor at the university. She told me to drop it." She swallowed hard. "So, I did. Mostly. You never quite forget when someone else has control over your body, though."
"You don't," A brunette to Olivia's left said.
Olivia gave a somber smile. "I shut out the world after that night. I dropped out of school. Isolated myself. I won't even take Nyquil for a cold because I don't want to feel even halfway out of it. I'm afraid of what will happen to me when I'm not aware. It took me years to make a friend and to let another man get close to me." Her throat tightens. "I finally told my parents what happened. I never told them why I left school. For years they've been on me about it and now that they know, I'm afraid they're going to start treating me with kid gloves. Worst yet is that the guy who hurt me – he'll likely sit on the Supreme Court one of these days and I'll just be another Anita Hill. Someone that no one believes besides the four people who know. It's not fair. What's even worse is that I hurt someone I really liked in the middle of all of this." A lone tear rolled down her cheek. "I don't know how to apologize."
"You start by forgiving yourself," Lizzie said from across the circle. "Do you think this was your fault?"
"I used to. The first couple of months after it happened, I wondered why I just didn't give in to him. Why didn't I just let him do it? At least then I could say I wanted it. Hell, he might've even stopped. I think. Maybe he just liked the fight? I still don't understand what it was about me that he wanted. Maybe it was because I blew him off. Maybe –"
"Olivia, I know you know this, but you're not to blame for what he did. That was on him." The brunette followed up. "It was hard for me to hang onto that. We don't get what if's. Fight, flight, freeze. It is what it is. It's not on you."
"I'm getting that in my head a little more every day. Or at least trying." Olivia gave a tense smile. "That's really all I had to say…"
"That was more than enough."
Fitz was worse for wear as the elevator of his apartment building dinged. Thankfully the flight from New York City to D.C. was just a little over an hour. He'd gotten home, gotten Karen to the daycare, and now he was home to do some work before it was time to pick Karen back up. In hindsight, running to another state to confront his ex-wife hadn't been his smart decision. He wasn't thinking. That was the only conclusion he could draw. The amount of money this entire turnaround had accrued left a lot to be desired. Not to mention the threat he'd been dealt on Mellie's end. He needed to be smart. He needed a strategy all around to make sure Olivia was okay and that Karen wouldn't be going anywhere. If Mellie was gearing up for a custody fight, he was going to give her just that, a dog fight.
He rounded the corner to his apartment when a familiar face came into view. Jake.
"Hey, bud, would've called, but—"
The pleasantries ended there. Olivia's voice entered his head. "You cheered your buddy on as he raped me!" Fitz dropped his briefcase and took off toward Jake. His strides were long, powerful, and before he knew it, his right hand was around his best friend's neck. He shoved Jake against his apartment door and traded his hand for his right forearms.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Jake yelled, his voice straining under the pressure from Fitz's arm.
"Me? You have a lot of nerve. Did you not think Olivia would tell me?" He leaned on Jake harder. They'd never been physically matched. Jake had a quasi-athletic build while Fitz clearly lifted weights.
Jake struggled against Fitz's weight. "Tell you what? I haven't seen or heard from her in years. You spend ten minutes with her and now you have me hemmed up against a wall? What the hell, man?"
"You raped her," Fitz growled. He knew that he must've looked like a madman. So much for finding friends in this building. Who the hell knew how many of his neighbors were watching this scene? He couldn't quite care, though. "Halloween. You did it. Did you drug her? Did you drug me? Answer me, damn it!"
"Are you kidding me right now? I raped her? I've never had to rape anyone. Your little girlfriend pulled her pants down for me and it's not my fault she regrets it. I've already told you that. I never lied to you about it. I don't know what the hell she has to gain by saying this shit. Come on man, I'm your daughter's god-father. We've been friends forever. Do you think that's really me?" Jake tried.
Fitz's chest rose and fell, hard. He couldn't stop hearing Olivia's voice. A part of him wanted to believe Jake, another part wanted to believe Olivia. An even bigger part of him just wanted to disappear.
"Do you think if I did that to her, I would've ever told you that we slept together?"
"I saw you! You had no choice but to cover your ass!"
"Cover my ass? Did you see rape that night? Did you? If you even thought it was that, then why didn't you stop me?"
Jake's words prompted Fitz to pause. It was a feeling Fitz had carried around since he'd first learned Olivia's side of the story. Why hadn't he done anything? Why hadn't he reacted? Why hadn't he? She'd needed him and he….
The guilt swelled until he felt his fist ball on its own accord. He swung, knocking Jake to the ground.