Okay, it's time for another "therapy session". As advertised, this one will be about some core aspects of Sinon's issues with her past and how she dealt with them, especially the topic of "strength to overcome one's past".
Disclaimer: I don't own Sword Art Online Re:Hollow Fragment or Sword Art Online in general.
Akinym and Sinon continued their regular conversations at the resting spot on the 90th floor.
However, their topics changed over time. For instance, they had stopped simply retelling Sinon's past. While she appreciated the thought, she had come to the conclusion that it hadn't really helped her. If anything, she had just tormented herself. Akinym respected her wish on that matter, so he didn't argue with her about it.
These days, they usually talked about the way Sinon had dealt with her issues so far, and they did that on a certain night when the question what detail about the post office incident troubled Sinon the most popped up.
Sinon [hesitantly, slightly nervously]: If… If I had to name something, it would be g… [swallows] guns.
Akinym: Guns? Well, it makes sense, doesn't it? If you had to defend yourself against someone with a gun – a man who even shot someone in front of your eyes – that would have a lasting impact.
Akinym wondered just how terrified a little girl who had never even seen a gun before would be if she suddenly found herself in the middle of an armed robbery.
Sinon: Yes, but… The gun he used… It has become almost like a symbol of that day. Ever since that day, I couldn't stand the mere thought of guns. Just thinking about them makes me nervous, and anything from a picture to a pistol gesture with a hand is enough to give me a panic attack. I… [very frustrated] hate that fear! I don't want to be haunted by that incident for the rest of my life, but as long as I have to live with that fear, it's just not possible!
Akinym thought about this for a moment. He had a bad feeling about it. What Sinon said reminded him of a few things that had happened during her training.
Akinym: Sinon-san, could it be that… When you entered SAO, and you insisted on fighting at the front and all that, was it because…?
Sinon didn't need to hear Akinym out. She knew what he was getting at, and she confirmed his theory with a simple nod.
That had been behind her reckless behaviour… Now that Akinym knew about that, he couldn't help but feel guilty about his reaction during Sinon's training. He had dismissed her stubborn, reckless will to become stronger as a pointless, run-of-the-mill "I have to beat this game, or the game will beat me" attitude, but in reality, it had been a desperate attempt to cope with a much, much deeper problem.
To be fair, he couldn't have known that, and who would've guessed that her behaviour had this kind of background? Alas, he wished he had known. Maybe he could've dealt with the situation in a better, much healthier manner.
Or could he have? Now that Akinym thought about it, he had to admit that at that time, he probably would've told Sinon that there was nothing wrong about what she had done, and if she had shown any kind of doubt, he would've dismissed it as unreasonable behaviour. At best, he would've told her to give up on beating the game and get help from an actual psychotherapist back in the real world. It hadn't been until a certain incident on the 79th floor that he had realised how badly that kind of attitude could backfire.
That thought process also gave rise to an important question: Why didn't he just tell Sinon to consult a professional therapist in the real world? By all accounts, this was still the logical thing to do, especially since he kept wondering if he was actually doing a halfway decent job during his conversations with Sinon.
Akinym didn't have any time to ponder over that, though, as Sinon continued to explain what had happened.
Sinon: I somehow came here by accident, but there were times when I thought that it was destiny. In SAO, where nobody knew me, I thought I could also start anew. In this world, where I can fight using a strength that I don't have access to in the real world, I thought I could find a way to overcome my fears. I thought that if I managed to beat the infamous death game, it would prove that I could overcome any fear, and that I'd return to the real world as a stronger person.
Akinym [flatly]: Well, of course not.
Sinon: Yeah, I mean, if you… [surprised] Huh? Of course not?!
Akinym [slightly exasperatedly]: What did you think I'd say? Seriously, Sinon-san, how did you get that ridiculous idea?!
Sinon [slightly upset]: What do you mean by "ridiculous"? I mean, this is a giant death trap, and it takes insane courage just not to cower in the towns! [slightly dejectedly] That's even what I did before I've noticed that it wasn't different from what I was doing in the real world…
Akinym: That might be true, but that's not the point! [slightly sternly] Listen, Sinon-san, it is true that this is a game world, and the system gives you a form of strength that you don't have in the real world, and such strength can give you confidence, maybe even enough confidence to deal with your fear of death in the face of foes that most people can't even imagine. However, you can level up, gain skills and enhance your equipment here all you like, it doesn't fundamentally change who you are. The moment you return to the real world, you'll lose any of this "strength", and you'll have to deal with your problems the same way as before. [calmly] Besides, your problems in the real world are so different from the everyday problems of clearing floors that I don't see how you got the idea that solving the latter will help you deal with the former. [dryly] Do you think you can solve these issues by shooting arrows at them, too?
Sinon had to admit that she hadn't really thought of that. Maybe it had been another case of wishful thinking…
Regardless, she also had to admit that Akinym was probably right. She could be an archer in this world, and maybe she could even fight anything from dragons to rulers of the dead… with superhuman abilities that she had access to only in SAO. Objectively speaking, there was no reason to believe that it would help her get over the fact that the residents of her hometown considered her a murderer.
If she had to be honest, her biggest fear in this world didn't actually stem from the monsters. More than anything else, she was afraid that her newfound friends would discover the truth about her and subsequently turn their backs on her. In view of that fact, the "biggest" strength she had got in this world was probably her anonymity, but that was something that absolutely wouldn't help her in the real world.
But most importantly, she had already realised that Akinym was right about one thing. Even in this virtual world, regardless of her skills or stats, she was still just a person – the same person she was in the real world. She had faced seemingly certain death a few times already, and it had become obvious that fear was still getting to her just as it had been in the real world.
Sinon: I guess not. [slightly desperately] But what am I supposed to do? Just what am I supposed to do about these fears?
Akinym thought about it for a moment. It was a reasonable, but also pretty tough question. Sinon had to find a healthy way to deal with her fears, but he was by no means an expert on the matter…
Akinym: Well, for starters, what did you do about that before you came here? I mean, I don't believe that you didn't try anything in the real world.
Sinon: Well, you're right about that. I've tried to confront my fear of guns for a long time. Right after what had happened at that post office, I was so terrified that I hardly managed to take a step outside, much like I was controlled by fear when I arrived here. It took a while, but I decided that I wanted to leave the helplessness from back then behind. As I've mentioned earlier, my fear of guns is pretty much symbolic for anything about what happened, so I've tried to overcome that.
Akinym [slightly at a loss]: By confronting that? How exactly?
Sinon: I… tried things such as learning more about guns or just looking at pictures of them. I've also got hold of a model gun, and I've tried holding it for a long time whenever I felt somewhat confident.
Akinym: Wait a second… Didn't you tell me – like, just a few minutes ago – that exactly these actions basically cause you to suffer a panic attack?!
Sinon: Th-that's… basically what happened every time. [frustrated] No matter what I tried, it always ended the same way. A vision of the man I shot or the whole incident flashed before my eyes, and… I'll spare you the nasty details.
Akinym [taken aback, at a loss]: That's… just dumb.
Sinon [upset]: Hey, don't make fun of this!
Akinym [slightly sternly]: I'm not making fun of anything, I'm just telling you how I see this! In all honesty, what you were doing sounds like a horrible idea, [slightly at a loss] and I'm surprised that you haven't noticed that! You're just tormenting yourself!
Sinon [frustrated]: M-maybe… But what am I supposed to do if I can't even face my fears?!
Akinym [calmly]: Facing your fears is fine, [sternly] but trying to smash them with a hammer just doesn't work! [calmly] I mean, exposure therapy is a thing, but the whole idea behind it is that you face your fears and realise that whatever you're afraid of isn't actually so dangerous. If you're suffering a panic attack from it, it completely defeats the purpose. For instance, imagine someone is afraid of hornets, so they expose themselves to a few of them. If they don't get stung, they might eventually feel safer around them, but if they get stung, their fear will basically be validated, and it will only get worse.
Sinon couldn't argue with that. As frustrating as it was, she had to admit that Akinym had a point. So far, her attempts to "confront" her fear had only caused her suffering… and if anything, said fear had only become worse.
Sinon [dejectedly]: So… What am I supposed to do?
Well, this was the hard part. Akinym understood that Sinon's method wouldn't get her anywhere since it was obvious, but coming up with a better alternative…
Akinym [slightly dejectedly]: In all honesty, I don't know. Maybe I can think of something another time, but right now… I don't really know anything about how to deal with severe phobias. A lot of things could've worked better if I did…
A moment of silence followed. Sinon looked at her hands, which she had placed on her lap. She clenched them while her expression turned pained. This whole conversation about her fears had been depressing enough, but to think that nothing came from it…
The worst part, however, was that Sinon had the feeling that none of this would be an issue if she could just muster the necessary strength. As Akinym had said, exposure therapy could work, but it depended on what happened, and in Sinon's case, it was an entirely mental issue.
Sinon [mutters]: I hate this… [yells] I absolutely hate this! This… [in a lower voice] I hate how I can't overcome my fear, my memories, my nightmares… I couldn't even talk back to people who made dumb remarks about what had happened in the real world… I just hate how weak I am!
Sinon felt as if she was on the verge of tears for a moment. When she looked up, she was a bit surprised to see that Akinym had remained quite calm, and he seemed to think about something.
During said moment, Akinym thought about what he should say in response. He had something in mind, but he had to think it through before he could say anything.
Akinym: Sinon-san, I think you should take something to heart: There is a difference between being weak and having weaknesses. By all accounts, you were a pre-teen girl who suddenly got into a situation most people can't even really imagine. Neither the fact that this event has scarred you nor the fact that you don't know how to solve the problems that arose from it make you a weak person. It merely makes a person with issues.
Sinon: Yeah, maybe, but if I can't muster the strength to solve these issues, doesn't that make me a weak person?
Akinym [slightly exasperatedly]: If you could do that so easily, would those be weaknesses to begin with? I honestly don't understand why people define strength as the absence of weaknesses. If you can do something easily, what's so great about doing it? [determinedly] True strength is shown by the way you try to handle your weaknesses, and without weaknesses, you can't be truly strong either. [slightly reassuringly] And as far as I can see, you've tried your hardest to deal with yours. Frankly, I think most people would've broken down in your situation. They would've just given up, drowning in despair and self-pity, or they would've cowered in fear instead of even trying to do something about it. Or maybe they would've come to terms with killing someone by accepting their "murderer persona", and they would've become cruel shadows of their former selves. You, however, have kept trying to find a way to better your situation despite everything that has been happening to you. Sure, your methods could need some improvement, but let me tell you something: There aren't many people whose willpower I've come to respect. In fact, you can count them on the fingers of one hand. However, you are one of them!
Sinon was astonished by that declaration. Sure, she and Akinym had worked together for a while, and this obviously required a basic level of mutual respect, but she hadn't even considered that he'd think so highly of her.
If nothing else, Akinym's words were perfect for interrupting Sinon's moment of self-deprecation. Well, at least to the greatest possible extent.
Sinon [slightly worriedly and dejectedly]: I don't know if I really fit that description. I mean, most of that time, I just wanted to forget what had happened at that post office. I just wanted to live a normal life again…
Akinym [slightly contemplatively]: Is that really true, Sinon-san?
Sinon: Huh? W-why do you ask?
Akinym: It's just… You've apparently felt so guilty about killing someone that by now, I've assumed that you'd have a pretty strong sense of responsibility regarding this event. It doesn't seem to fit that you'd want to live on as if nothing happened.
Sinon had to think about this for a moment. Akinym… was actually right. Would it even be okay to just forget about the man at the post office and to live on as if he had never existed?
To be perfectly honest, Sinon actually knew the answer to Akinym's question already. For many years, whenever she had thought that her life would've been much better if everyone had just forgotten about the post office incident, a part of her had admonished her that "a murderer such as herself" wouldn't deserve such an easy way out of this.
However, that didn't change the fact that this wish was there.
Sinon: I mean, yeah, but… Have you never wished that you could just forget what happened to Amaterrace? That you could leave that memory here in SAO and live your life without it?
Akinym thought about this for a moment.
Akinym: There was such a time. It was directly after it had happened. [slightly determinedly] However, I've stopped thinking that a long time ago. At least it feels that way.
Sinon [curiously, slightly surprised]: Hm? Why? I mean, how did you come to that… decision?
Akinym [slightly contemplatively]: That's… [mutters] Where should I start? [says aloud, seriously] For starters, I'd say I made up my mind about that around the time when I heard about the GeoCrawler. Do you remember what I've told you about that? [Sinon nods] Good. You see, once I've made up my mind to never allow what had happened to Amaterrace to happen again, I also realised that forgetting that event would also mean forgetting the lesson I've learnt from it. That is something I won't let happen.
Now that she actually heard it, Sinon wasn't even surprised by Akinym's reasoning. It had already been clear to her that Akinym viewed that incident as a cause of major change in his personality, and he considered it positive change.
Sinon: I see, but… I don't think that there's an important lesson I could forget that way.
Akinym: Are you sure about that? In all honesty, while you might not draw a specific lesson from it, I think that it still might've taught you something important, namely the true weight of the human life.
Sinon [slightly confused]: The weight of the human life?
Akinym [slightly contemplatively]: Well… I'll try to explain it. [seriously] The majority of people who have heard that I've killed someone – orange player or not – look down on me because of it. It doesn't even matter if I explain it to them… because "Don't kill anyone!" is an absolute rule to them.
Sinon could sympathise with that feeling. Almost everyone she had ever known fell into that category. She also remembered how Silica, Lisbeth and Leafa had reacted to Akinym's story.
Akinym: The only people who don't react that way are those who understand that this is an ideal which ignores the problems that come with it in reality. For instance, is it wrong to kill in self-defense? Sure, you can say that you should try to defend yourself without killing an attacker, but answering the question with a plain, decisive "no" is basically like saying that the will to stay alive is wrong. Anyway, that, however, doesn't mean that those who understand what might cause someone to kill someone else condone killing. In your case, it's pretty much the opposite.
Sinon was a bit confused by that statement for a brief moment. To be more precise, she wondered how anything Akinym had said was referring to her. She didn't have the feeling that she had acted in a particularly understanding way regarding the person Akinym had killed. If nothing else, she had asked countless questions, which had probably sounded as if she was begging Akinym to feel guilty about it.
However, she realised that this hadn't actually been her intention. She had been worried, not judgmental.
Akinym: Most people just say that human life is precious without thinking. They accept it as this absolute rule I've talked about. [slightly exasperatedly] But frankly, I don't want to listen to any of that! [slightly determinedly] You're one of the few people I'm willing to hear out about that. It's not just an empty phrase coming from you since you know what it's like to feel responsible for someone's death. You've simply realised how killing someone can haunt a person. [slightly exasperatedly] To be honest, that's just another reason why I don't understand how you could be considered a "murderer". A truly cold-blooded killer wouldn't see this weight as a burden. It's as I said earlier: Such a person would feel delighted, not guilty.
Out of all the reasons for not viewing herself as a murderer that Akinym had pointed out to Sinon, this one had the most impact. It didn't felt as if it was supposed to dismiss her feeling of guilt. Instead, it interpreted this feeling in a new light, and it gave her an idea.
Sinon [slightly contemplatively]: This is just a thought, but… Do you mean that I can… atone for… what I've done by remembering it?
Akinym: And by understanding it, yes. You're in the position that you can understand what taking a life means in a way not everyone can. That understanding might help you one day to get through to someone who needs it, and you can help others to understand this kind of thing, too.
Sinon [doubtfully, slightly taken aback]: I can hardly deal with this myself, how am I supposed to help others with this?
Akinym: Well, I've never said it would be easy… [slightly reassuringly] However, we're here to solve that problem, right?
Akinym's expression turned from a reassuring smile to an extremely serious, contemplative one within a mere second. The sudden change startled Sinon a bit, and she was actually about to ask what was the matter.
Akinym: Besides, you admittedly can't know that, but you've already helped me realise something important.
Sinon: Huh?! H-how? I hardly did anything!
Akinym: You've been honest about the way you feel, and that has had more impact than you seem to think. You see, for a long time, I thought that if I had just killed Amaterrace's murderer before he could… you know… I thought that if I had done that, I could've lived without any regrets now. In a sense, it was to me what the idea of forgetting about the past is to you: an idea as to how I could just get rid of that feeling. However, by thinking about your situation, I've also learnt something about myself. Amaterrace's death has taught me an important lesson, but much like I'd forget that lesson if I'd forget about what has taught me said lesson, I wouldn't have learnt it in the first place if I hadn't let that happen. Even if I think I should've done it, given how I felt back then, I would've just ended up like you. It would be just trading one regret for another one.
It made sense to Sinon that her story would make Akinym realise something like that, but it still surprised her to hear him say that, mainly because she had had no idea that he had thought about something like that.
However, hearing that also helped her in a way. Sinon had wondered a few times if she really shouldn't have pulled the trigger of that gun. She wouldn't have to live with the consequences if she hadn't. While thinking about the things Akinym had told her, however, Sinon had come to terms with the fact that other people might've died that day if she hadn't. She might not have the feeling that she truly saved them, but neither had she wanted any of them – especially her mother – to get hurt.
In light of that, Sinon had started to wonder if these conversations with Akinym might help her in a different way than she had initially expected. Maybe they wouldn't help her come to terms with the fact that she had killed that man, but they might still help her come to terms with the fact that she hadn't not killed that man.
Sinon: Well, I guess you really have to accept your demons first before you can fight them…
Akinym: Yes, but it's really not easy, that's for sure! [slightly insecurely] I… am not even sure if I'm really the right person to talk about it at all. After all, I'm not sure anymore if I even know the answer to my own problem.
Sinon: Huh? What do you mean?
Akinym [contemplatively, slightly at a loss]: Well… It's… I've told you that I came to the conclusion that in order to prevent something like Amaterrace's death from happening again, I'd have to be ready to make any ruthless decision, even if it means killing someone, right?
Sinon [hesitantly]: W-well, yes…
Akinym [contemplatively]: Recently, I've been thinking quite a lot about that, and I wonder if this is really the right call. It's also because of our talks, but it's mainly because of something Kirito-san made me realise.
Sinon [slightly surprised]: Kirito?
Akinym: Well, it's about finding "a better solution". Silica-san told me a story about Kirito-san defeating an entire orange guild without even scratching a single one of them. I was in a somewhat comparable situation when I killed an orange player, and now I'm wondering if I could've pulled off the same thing Kirito-san did. [flatly] Frankly, I don't know. [slightly contemplatively] However, Kirito-san found a solution I didn't see once, and maybe he could've done the same thing. That's what has been coming to my mind sometimes for a while now.
Sinon [slightly curiously and hesitantly]: So… What conclusion did you come to?
Akinym: I'd say it's that there's not always a perfect solution. [dejectedly] There was no perfect solution when Amaterrace died. [slightly insecurely] There might've been a better solution at other times, though.
Akinym thought about a certain incident that was probably the perfect example for what he was trying to say.
Akinym: Say, do you remember the quest you got Milion Howling from? The one with the dragon? I'm sure you do.
Sinon [slightly taken aback]: Of course I do! That… was memorable, to say the least.
Akinym: Do you remember the two players who accompanied us? [slightly at a loss] What were their names again? Sashimi and… Tissue? [contemplatively] No, that shouldn't be it… [slightly annoyed] Anyway, their names aren't important! You remember them, don't you?
Sinon nodded. After the whole ordeal had been over, they had told her what they had done, and it was a bit worrying that scoundrels who disguised themselves as noble, potential allies were really a thing.
Akinym: What I haven't told anyone – and neither has either of them as far as I know – is that there was a moment when I could've killed the tanky one of the two. I mean, I almost MPKed them, and that's a part of the story that others know, but there was one moment when one of them attacked me, and I could've easily taken him out with a counterattack. In fact, I was about to do exactly that.
Sinon: But… you didn't, did you?
Akinym: No. When I was about to do, I remembered these thoughts about a better solution, and I wondered – even if it was just for a split second – if it was possible to get out of that situation without sacrificing or killing anyone, so I stopped.
Sinon [slightly reassuringly]: That… was the right thing to do.
Akinym: It was. Back then, it turned out to be the better decision. [worriedly] But I don't know if I would make the same decision in a similar situation.
Sinon: Huh? Why?
Akinym: Basically, it didn't feel like what I'd decide. It was as if I made the decision someone else would make. [calmly] I've always wanted to make decisions rationally, and this includes making them based on information you have, not on hopes that it will work out. [slightly worriedly] And sometimes when I look back on this situation, it feels as if I neglected the lesson I've learnt from Amaterrace's death, [seriously] and that's exactly what I'm talking about. The thing about optimism is that it's the right call sometimes, but you can never tell when, so what am I supposed to do in situations like these? I have the feeling that I have to find the answer, yet…
Sinon could understand Akinym's concern to a certain extent. She thought about his problem… and she thought about what he had told her earlier.
Sinon [calmly]: You know, I think it's normal to feel that way. If you experience something so severe and devastating, you won't just draw your lesson from it and move on. It's a constant struggle to make the best of those painful memories, and you can never know if the answer you've found is the right one or not.
Sinon put on a reassuring smile, which surprised Akinym a bit. It was really just a small smile, and there seemed to be a touch of bitterness behind it, but it was still a sincere smile.
Sinon: You've never stopped thinking about how to learn from this without running from these problems. To be honest, I don't think I've ever met someone who tried so extremely hard to atone for their sins, [slightly playfully] or at least not in such an obvious manner. [teasingly, slightly mischievously] But honestly, you were – or are – just a teenager in the middle of a war. "Neither the fact that this event has scarred you nor the fact that you don't know how to solve the problems that arose from it make you a weak person".
This sneaky, little… Did she just quote him? Akinym wasn't sure what he should think. He wasn't even sure if he could believe that she had just said that.
Sinon [reassuringly, seriously]: Maybe we – both of us – have to accept that it's not easy to figure out how to deal best with one's past, and that the will to learn from even the most painful experiences for the sake of everyone is what it really means to have the strength to overcome your past. [slightly contemplatively] With everything this implies about "overcoming the past".
To be honest, Akinym was a bit in awe at this moment. Who would've thought that Sinon would turn the tables on him and remind him of the lesson he had basically just taught her? He couldn't help but smile, although he wasn't sure if it was out of happiness or if he was essentially sneering at himself.
Either way, he had to agree with Sinon. It just wasn't easy to find an answer to the questions that truly trouble oneself. Ironically, it was much easier to talk about the problems of someone else. Well, it actually came as no surprise since it wasn't as personal, and if he'd mess up, he wouldn't be the one who had to suffer the consequences. It went to show that having the help of others to deal with personal problems could be invaluable.
Akinym [slightly cheerfully and determinedly]: Yeah, I guess you're right. I'd say we just have to do our best to deal with these issues without agonising or despairing over them.
Let's leave it at that for today.
The model gun Sinon mentioned isn't supposed to be the one she has in canon. After all, without GGO and the 2nd BoB, she can't have that one, right?
I'll write the side story about the glasses Sinon gets in HF next (as "promised"). That will also be the necessary background for something in the fourth "therapy session", which will be featured in the next chapter. This time, it will be all about the impact others had on the way Sinon has dealt with her issues so far.