Okay, so let's get another therapy session on the road. This one is actually the next-to-last one of them.
Anyway, this time, the overarching theme is what kind of "help" Sinon has received in the past.
There's also a reference to my recent side story "Glasses of Nostalgia", but if you know the event about Kirito and Sinon going window shopping in HF, you should be able to understand that particular scene.
Disclaimer: I don't own Sword Art Online Re:Hollow Fragment or Sword Art Online in general.
During their nightly talks on the 90th floor, Akinym and Sinon continued to address different aspects of Sinon's issues with her past and how she might be able to deal with them.
These days, her nightmares were a "popular" topic. To be fair, the topic was as delicate as Sinon's memories of the post office incident, but she had to find a way to cope with the nightmares, too, so they talked about them.
To be honest, Akinym's lack of knowledge about dream interpretation caused a few problems. There were meaningful, common elements in the nightmares Sinon described, but for the most part, there was a certain level of chaos, which was essentially Akinym's arch-nemesis, in these dreams. However, Akinym still hoped that knowing about Sinon's nightmares might help him to understand what exactly Sinon's fears meant to her, even on a subconscious level.
Akinym thought that there might be more behind certain things such as Sinon's fear of guns. Sure, it was normal for her to have such a fear, but the way she had described it, Akinym wondered whether that fear stemmed from a traumatic experience or from guilt.
In the end, he wondered how he could even know the answer. Analysing possible subconscious thought patterns behind specific feelings or behaviour should be the task of an actual psychotherapist. Well, all of this should've been the task of a real psychologist.
On a certain night, when Akinym and Sinon had just finished talking about her most recent nightmare, Akinym had the aforementioned thought process again, and it reminded him of a question that had been bothering him for a while.
Should he tell Sinon to consult a proper psychotherapist about everything they had talked about? In fact, maybe they should stop these talks altogether before Akinym might end up giving Sinon advice that would do more harm than good.
However, there was one problem. This would only be a good idea if Akinym could convince Sinon to consult a psychologist who could actually help her. Frankly, the very fact that he had seemingly been able to help her even a little made Akinym wonder if Sinon had ever talked about her past with a psychologist. Given everything she had gone through, the idea that she hadn't received any kind of professional therapy was just absurd, though.
Sinon noticed that something seemed to be on Akinym's mind.
Sinon [slightly confused]: What is it? I know you're thinking about something, so just spill it!
Akinym: Well, I was just wondering if you ever talked with someone like this before. That is, with a professional therapist. [slightly confused] Honestly, I think that would be the first thing someone would do in your situation. Well, at least I'd do that rather than trying exposure therapy on my own.
Sinon grimaced. This was a long, somewhat complicated story, and she almost would've told Akinym to take a seat. Well, he had taken a seat already, so…
For a moment, Sinon considered dodging the question, but she figured that Akinym had a point. It was probably better to tell him about it.
Sinon: I did… Maybe you remember that I mentioned how frightened I had been after what had happened at the post office. I didn't even want to leave the house for a while. Of course they'd send me to a psychotherapist to deal with that. In fact, the police put my family in contact with a psychologist who could deal with that.
Akinym [interested]: What did you talk about?
Sinon: It was mostly about what it had been like to be in that… situation. The whole incident was basically a hostage situation. Well, at least close enough to one. We talked about my anxiety states and nightmares about it, especially about my fear of guns.
Akinym [slightly confused]: And nothing came of it?
Sinon just sat on the bench motionlessly for a moment while thinking about something. She opened her inventory, and she turned the glasses Akinym had given her a few days ago into an object.
Sinon: She taught me a few tricks to stay calm, although none of them really worked. However, she came up with an idea. [shows the glasses] You remember them, right? I've told you that I wear glasses in the real world, but… You see, I actually don't need any form of vision correction. My eyesight is actually exceptionally good. The thing is that the lenses of my glasses are made of bullet-proof glass. My psychologist told me to wear them. That way, I always carry something that could protect me from a bullet, and nobody has ever noticed that there's anything… abnormal about it.
After hearing that, Akinym couldn't help but think that Sinon had had her own reasons for calling these glasses a "lucky charm". Apparently, this had never been about being a memento of the real world.
It also added another meaning to "not needing the glasses in VR". If Akinym understood this correctly, Sinon seemed to wear them because they gave her a feeling of security, and she didn't need this kind of "safety net" in VR.
At the same time, Akinym thought that this couldn't be everything Sinon had talked about with that psychotherapist. What about the fact that she had killed someone? Or her feeling of guilt? Akinym was about to ask when a thought occurred to him.
Akinym: Sinon-san, could it be that this psychologist specialised in dealing with victims of hostage-taking or kidnapping?
Sinon: She… I don't know. [flatly] I was eleven at that time, so I honestly didn't understand anything about that, and I certainly didn't ask her. [insecurely] I guess it could've been the case. Why do you ask?
Akinym [slightly contemplatively]: It's just… I… I wanted to make sure that I have the right idea about the psychotherapy you've received. So… Just to make sure: Did you tell her about your issues with killing someone?
Sinon grimaced again. She shook her head, wondering how the psychologist would've reacted if she had told her about that. Had she actually known? To be honest, Sinon couldn't tell, and she wasn't eager to find out…
With this information, Akinym had a solid idea as to what had gone wrong with this psychotherapy. They had simply addressed the completely wrong issue…
Sinon: To be honest, the therapy helped a little, and I was at least able to manage my everyday life again, [slightly doubtfully] but I also thought that it didn't get me anywhere after a while, and my therapist couldn't really help me anymore, so that's the end of that.
Akinym: And you've never talked with anyone else since then? I mean, did you not try to find another therapist who could help you?
This was… a very delicate issue. There was one more thing she had tried to do, but it was nothing she'd tell just anyone. Okay, Akinym wasn't just anyone at this point, and given that she had already told him about her past, Sinon didn't actually mind him knowing about that, too. Others, however...
Sinon [slightly worriedly]: If I tell you, will you keep that secret, too?
Akinym [seriously]: I'll keep anything you're going to tell me here secret from others. Don't worry about that!
Sinon: Okay. [takes a deep breath, calmly] You see, I've tried a new VR counselling software. It was released in summer last year, and I thought it might help.
Akinym: VR counselling software? There's something like that?
Sinon [nods]: I guess the idea is that therapist and patient can meet in a realm of absolute anonymity. Also, judging from what Yui had told me about the system's ability to monitor emotional data, I guess it also allows the therapist to observe their patients' emotional states during the sessions in a way they couldn't use in the real world. [seriously] However, I was interested in something else. The software also includes a collection of training exercises and a tool to create custom ones. For instance, it is used for exposure therapy.
Akinym: You… You used it to create a gun for your self-therapy, didn't you?
Sinon: I did… [hesitantly] but there's one more thing I have to add. You see, when I came up with that idea, I tried recreating what happened at the post office, and I managed to get the programme to set up a copy of the place… and a model of… the gun from back then. However, I wondered if it was actually… real enough. I had my doubts that VR could recreate that sense of danger. I mean, the AmuSphere, that new FullDive device, was always advertised as "perfectly safe", so I didn't think that it would be appropriate.
For a moment, Akinym wasn't sure he understood what Sinon was getting at. Frankly, he was a bit distracted by the thought that Sinon had just overthought this issue.
Besides, if she had thought that the AmuSphere had been "too safe", what could she have done about it?
Just as Akinym had finished that question in his mind, it hit him. Of course… Now that he thought about it, it was so obvious…
Akinym: You used a NerveGear, didn't you? Or rather, you're using it right now. You have to, because if you didn't, someone in the real world would've gotten you out of this game a long time ago.
Sinon [slightly awkwardly]: Well, I guess it's pretty obvious after all, isn't it? It wasn't easy to get an unused NerveGear that hadn't been confiscated, but I somehow got a hold of one.
Akinym covered his face with his palm for a moment. During these conversations with Sinon, he had realised just how desperate – and crazy – she could be when dealing with her trauma and everything it entailed, but this…
Akinym [worriedly, slightly exasperatedly]: That was a really dumb idea! I hope you know what kind of trouble you might get into when we'll get back to the real world.
Sinon [seriously]: Back then, it seemed to be worth it. I… [slightly nervously] I know that it might get me in trouble. It probably will, [determinedly] but that doesn't change that I wanted to do something about my problems at all costs! [slightly taken aback] Although I would've never thought that after starting the simulation, I'd suddenly fall unconscious, only to wake up in SAO, where Asuna told me that I had fallen out of the sky above Arc Sophia…
Well, that certainly remained a mystery for now. NerveGear or not, that login in SAO shouldn't have happened. Who knew how that had happened… or if they'd ever find out.
Akinym [slightly exasperatedly]: Okay, let's say just say that this didn't help you. So… [calmly] How about anybody else? Even if you didn't confide in a psychologist, you could've still talked with someone you trust personally. I mean, what about your family, for instance?
That was yet another delicate subject. This one, however, was a different matter entirely. Frankly, her family situation just wasn't something Sinon would talk about with anyone here. It wasn't their business, and she didn't want to change that.
Sinon [grumpily]: My family has other things to take care of. I… We don't talk about that incident, and they can't help me!
Akinym [thinks, slightly taken aback]: That was… concise. [contemplatively] What could be behind that? Although… If she said that, she'd probably not answer if I asked. I guess there's no helping it, but it's probably not essential for the problem we're dealing with here anyway. [says aloud, slightly curiously] Okay, let's leave it at that, but what about others? I mean friends or any kind of confidants. Admittedly, kids would probably not know how to help you with that, but was there anything you…
Sinon [interrupting, slightly dejectedly]: There… was nobody like that. I mean, I've told you what people view me as at my hometown, haven't I?
Akinym [at a loss]: Yeah, but… Wasn't that… [slightly doubtfully] Wait, are you saying that everyone thinks that way?!
Sinon: Why wouldn't they? You see, I live in a small town in Tohoku, not a metropolis like Tokyo. What happened at that post office was a pretty big deal there, and within days, everybody knew what had happened. The official version was that the robber had been shot by accident, but there were people who had seen the truth… and they told others. The story spread quickly, and by the end of the week, the entire town knew that a girl had shot the man on purpose. It didn't take them long to figure out who that girl was.
Akinym: Still… Did nobody even bother to ask if there was more behind that? I know that some people don't make for reliable friends, but I'd assume that at least some of them had the decency to make sure that they actually had the right idea about this.
Sinon: I think nobody really bothered to. I had already lived a rather isolated life without any real friends anyway. I may have gotten along with others, but I usually kept to myself, and I was only known as a quirky bookworm. [seriously, slightly dejectedly] In all honesty, except for my family maybe, everyone has only ever seen me as a murderer since then.
Well, there was also the fact that her mother was mentally unstable, and she was… a bit famous in Sinon's hometown. Sinon's family background had been a hot mess since her early childhood, and most people had the feeling that Sinon might take after her mother. Her introverted nature had been considered "proof", and everyone had treated her as a misfit to some degree.
After the post office incident, the kids had jumped to conclusions, and they had begun to ostracise her openly. The adults, on the other hand, had just assumed that Sinon would break down after what had happened, and they had been more concerned that she might become a threat (or at least a hassle) to others, so nobody had bothered to set the other children – or adults – straight.
While Akinym couldn't figure out all of this, he made an educated guess, and he got most things right. Right now, he was thoroughly annoyed at Sinon's contemporaries, and he was insanely angry at the adults, who – despite the fact that they should've known better – had made an extremely hasty judgment.
And Sinon had to pay the price. The girl suffered from a wild hotchpotch of mental issues, and it might've been avoided if someone – just ANYONE – had bothered to help her properly. But instead, they had preferred to interpret the events at their own convenience, so they just treated her as an outcast, effectively making things much, much worse.
On a related note, Akinym had a new theory as to why even Sinon considered herself a murderer. Basically, everybody had treated her as such until her mind had given in, and she had "accepted" this as the truth. Suggestion was a thing, and Akinym knew about that. Given the kind of attitude Sinon had probably faced constantly, she'd either start to believe what those around her tell her, or she'd start to hate all of them with a passion. How convenient for that town of scumbags that it was the former…
Well, at the very least, this story had cleared something up. Akinym figured that he probably couldn't convince Sinon to consult a psychotherapist in the real world. After all, everyone who should've done something to help her had done a rather subpar job at it. Of course she would have a hard time trusting them to help her.
In fact, Akinym wasn't surprised about any kind of trust issue Sinon had ever seemed to have anymore. This story had answered Akinym's old question why Sinon had insisted on playing solo at first. In the end, her life before SAO had taught her that she simply couldn't rely on anyone but herself...
That, however, had to change.
Akinym [determinedly, slightly sternly and angrily]: Well, now you know someone who doesn't!
Sinon looked at Akinym – with an overall empty expression at first. The anger in his voice startled her a little, but that was it. To be honest, Akinym had tried not to show this anger to Sinon, but at this point, that could only work to a limited extent.
In a sense, that was a good thing, though. Sinon could tell what Akinym was angry about, and seeing someone getting angry on her behalf was strangely… comforting. The feeling reminded her that even though these conversations with Akinym hadn't really shown her a way to overcome her trauma as she had hoped, they had at least given her the feeling that there were people out there who'd try to understand her.
There was (at least) one problem, though, and ironically, Akinym was about to broach the subject.
Akinym: Also, I don't think that I'm the only one. Over the course of the last few months, you've had the chance to build relationships with the people around you without any bias because of one single incident, and they've learnt that you're not some sort of murderous monster. I mean, you know that, right?
Sinon [doubtfully]: I don't know about that. I mean, yeah, the others accept me, but I think it's only because they don't know the truth, and I don't mean that they've got to know me without knowing about… that particular part of my life. It's that they still don't know. [shakily, slightly frightened] I think that more than anything else, I'm afraid of what will happen if that ever changes…
Akinym's first thought was, "Great, here we go again!" However, he figured that given all of Sinon's negative experience, it was to be expected. This fear was understandable, but Akinym still thought that it was unnecessary. Convincing Sinon that she had nothing to be afraid of in that regard would require some… persuasion, though.
Akinym [seriously]: Sinon-san, I'm not gonna pretend that I know anyone from that group very well, but I think I've observed them long enough to get a good idea about the kind of people they are. [reassuringly] They'd hear you out, and they'd understand. They wouldn't condemn you just because you've killed someone in self-defense. If anything, they'll accept it much easier than what I did, and at the end of the day, they still accept me, knowing that I've killed somebody.
Sinon averted her gaze and grimaced… once more. The doubtful, somewhat awkward expression almost seemed to become her friend…
Sinon: Do they, though?
Akinym wanted to say something in response, but he stopped.
Did they?
Akinym and Sinon returned to Arc Sophia shortly thereafter. Sinon promptly went to bed, but Akinym had to think about something first, or else he wouldn't be able to fall asleep.
The more he thought about it, the more he came to the conclusion that Sinon's concerns were overall justified. At this point, he merely coexisted with her friends. That wasn't exactly reassuring. Hence, he had to do something about that.
In a sense, Akinym followed his usual method of setting goals. The long-term goal would be to "ensure that Sinon could live happily". As for the mid-term goals that were derived from that…
For starters, Akinym wanted Sinon to tell her friends the truth about her past. Judging from what he had seen, she wouldn't be at peace as long as there was the possibility that her friends would abandon her just as well if they knew about it.
Okay, Akinym could just tell them about the incident himself, but even keeping aside his promise not to do that, he thought that it would be the wrong approach. This was something Sinon had to do herself.
In a sense, this was all about overcoming her fears – just as she wanted to. In this case, it was about the fear of ostracisation. Furthermore, by telling her friends about the incident that haunted her, Sinon would prove to herself that she trusted them to understand her, and it would be a sign that she became more comfortable with speaking about this topic, even if it was just with a small group of people.
What Akinym thought he should do was to help her build up said courage and trust. Frankly, he had the feeling that this suited him more than the "direct" approach of "counselling" Sinon.
This led to another mid-term goal, which Akinym would work on directly from now on: improving his relationship with Sinon's friends. Not only would that prove that they wouldn't make hasty judgment such as "person X killed someone, so they are obviously a bad person", he could also watch over Sinon while she was working on her bonds with them if he was close to her circle of friends. Well, if necessary, that is.
Now, the question was how exactly he should go about it. Akinym planned to work on his relationships with the various members of the group individually, but each person would require a different approach, and Akinym wondered where he should even start.
Well, it was probably for the best to start with Asuna. Judging from what Akinym had seen and what Sinon had told him, her relationship to Asuna was particularly important to Sinon. Furthermore, Asuna was a central part of that group, and being on good terms with her might also help him to improve his relationship with the rest of the group, especially with Kirito, who was another central figure.
Moreover, Akinym already had his position as a councilman – in other words: Asuna's coworker – that he could use for that purpose. To be honest, he had already been trying to get on better terms with Asuna while they were working on matters regarding the Council, so he merely had to intensify these efforts.
The rest of the group was trickier… Especially Silica, Lisbeth and Leafa might turn out to be a problem. They had been his students, and his harsh attitude might've damaged his relationship with them permanently… or at least severely. Back then, it hadn't been an issue, but now, it came back to haunt him.
Lisbeth was a particularly difficult case. Akinym had the feeling that he had been at odds with her from the get-go, and it had gradually become even worse. During the training, Lisbeth had been even more grumpy about Akinym's methods than the others… Akinym figured that he'd need a good plan just to approach her.
Getting closer to Silica probably wouldn't be easy either, but out of these three, she might be the "easiest" case.
Dealing with Leafa was a major issue, too, although this time, it was simply because of its importance. Before they had left the resting spot earlier, Akinym had at least asked Sinon if there was a particular reason why she thought that the others might not truly accept him, and Sinon had given a certain conversation as an example. Apparently, it was something Leafa had said that troubled Sinon the most, so getting in Leafa's good books would have significant impact.
Now, what about the rest of the group? For instance, there were Klein and Agil, but Akinym figured that he didn't have to worry too much about them. He wasn't at odds with either of them, and both of them acted in such a mature manner whenever it really counted that Akinym thought he could convince Sinon that they would – if anything – even help her. For a similar reason, Yui wouldn't be a problem either. She was still an MHCP first and foremost.
Akinym wondered if Strea could become an issue. It was unlikely, but even if there was an issue, nobody should expect him to do that. Akinym even wondered if the Geneva Convention might cover dealing with Strea…
There was also Philia. Now that Akinym thought about it, Philia had thought for a while that she had killed someone. Well, it had turned out to be a rather peculiar story, but still… Maybe Philia would have a more sympathetic point of view regarding the matter.
Although… The whole issue had turned out to be a huge misunderstanding, so did Philia really know what it was like to kill someone? Well, she had genuinely believed that she had killed her "real" self, so maybe she did. Akinym couldn't tell what her attitude towards the matter was, but it might be worthwhile to figure it out.
With that, he had a rough to do list, so now it was time to get to work.
...but not for me, because my work for today is done.
Okay, I have a few things to say this time.
For starters, I am (or rather was) really not okay with the way Sinon's therapy was apparently portrayed in canon. It was extremely vague, but I still have/had the feeling that she apparently received normal therapy, and that's just rubbish! Kirito basically made a significant impact by saying stuff such as "I have to accept what I did" as if Sinon had never heard that before. In all honesty, there is just NO way that anyone who deserves a psychology degree wouldn't have told Sinon that. Frankly, that issue felt almost like an insult to the work of psychotherapists, and for certain reasons, I'm absolutely not okay with that!
However, when I thought about it for the sake of this story, I realised that there is a way how this might make sense. If Sinon didn't talk about her problems properly with any psychologists she consulted, this would explain why Kirito was doing more to help Sinon over the course of a single day than everybody else did over the course of five years.
Now, some of you might've read this chapter and wondered, "Wait... Doesn't one event in HF state that Sinon was using a Medicuboid?" Yes, that's how it's explained in HF, and honestly, that doesn't make any sense either! If she uses a Medicuboid, why don't people in the real world just turn it off? I mean, is anyone going to believe that they'd build the Medicuboid with the ability to kill users after the SAO incident? Even if (although I don't see that happening) the Medicuboid has to be built with the ability to generate microwaves that are strong enough to harm the user severely, it would be programmed with safety routines to keep that from happening (or something similar).
Furthermore, if Sinon really used a Medicuboid, why did only she end up in SAO? Well, yes, the obvious answer is "fanservice" because that's pretty much the only reason for that, but let's just say that I don't want to go with said reason. The point is: Where are the Sleeping Knights, for instance? I mean, yeah, Yuuki appears at the very end, but that's the point: She appears at the end.
Okay, that's enough ranting for one day, so I'll get to the next point. The story has reached its next "phase". As the last part suggests, there will be chapters dedicated to interactions between Akinym and several characters among the main cast with the purpose of improving his relationships with them. I'll start with Kirito and Asuna in the next chapter, so... until then!