Okay, it's time to continue.
Writing this chapter took a bit longer than usual. To be fair, it's a long chapter, but that's not the only reason. Far from it.
For starters, I was a bit busy, so that didn't help. Most importantly, however, I'd say I've put more thought into this chapter than I did with a lot of others, and there are a few parts that I've rewritten.
Well, what shall I say? It's an important chapter for the background of my OC, so...
Anyway, see for yourselves what this chapter is about.
Disclaimer: I don't own Sword Art Online Re:Hollow Fragment or Sword Art Online in general.
Just as the Assault Team kept clearing the remaining floors, Akinym and Sinon continued their conversations on the 90th floor at nighttime, at least whenever they had time. One of these nights happened to be on the day of the boss battle on the 94th floor. While the Assault Team had been busy fighting the floor boss, Akinym and Sinon had done a few small-scale hunting quests on lower floors before they had gone to their "usual spot" on the 90th floor.
At one point during the conversation, when they had just finished talking about some of the problems between Sinon and her classmates, Sinon fell silent. Akinym was thinking about what they had just talked about, so he didn't notice right away that Sinon was deep in thought, too.
They sat there in silence for more than a minute until Akinym glanced at Sinon again.
Akinym: Hm? Is something wrong? Or do you want to add anything?
Sinon: Huh? Oh… No, it's just… [slightly contemplatively] There's just something I've been thinking about lately.
Akinym: What is it?
Sinon [slightly taken aback]: Well, that's actually a bit… [slightly contemplatively] Although… [sighs] I guess it wouldn't make sense to keep this to myself. [calmly] Recently, I've realised that we only ever talk about my problems. I just wonder… if there's anything that is bothering you, and if you want to talk about it.
The thought had occurred to Sinon on the day when she and Akinym had cleared a dungeon on the 94th floor on Argo's request. When they had returned to Arc Sophia, the others had been beyond relieved. As it had turned out, they had been worried sick because Akinym and Sinon had been away much longer than everyone else had expected. It had been so bad that Kirito and Asuna had considered putting their usual mission of exploring the labyrinth aside for that day to search for their two comrades instead.
That had been just a few days ago, and the picture of all of her friends greeting her on that day was still fresh on Sinon's mind. However, it probably wouldn't have made a difference if it had been weeks ago. Sinon had the feeling that she wouldn't forget the hearty welcome she had received from her worried friends anytime soon… but it certainly wasn't a good thing.
The worst part about it was that the others had tried to contact Akinym and Sinon when they hadn't returned by nightfall. The problem was that they had been inside the pitch-black labyrinth area near the end of the dungeon at that time, and in the darkness, they couldn't reply, so they had postponed that. Well, the plan had been to answer the messages when they reached a sufficiently lit area again, but by the time they had, they had completely forgotten about the messages.
Now, Sinon felt guilty about that. She had the feeling that it had been very egoistical of her to forget something like that just because she had focused too much on her goal of clearing the dungeon. In her opinion, it hadn't been different from other incidents such as that one time when she had ventured into the labyrinth on the 81st floor alone just to prove that she could get by on her own, but she had only worried everyone with her stupid actions.
Asuna's reaction in particular was something Sinon wouldn't forget about her return from the dungeon on the 94th floor. Sinon had the impression that Asuna had taken this incident particularly hard, especially since Argo had asked Akinym and Sinon to tackle that dungeon on her behalf. Ironically, this made Sinon feel even worse about the whole matter. Sinon had the feeling that she had been putting Asuna through more than enough trouble already ever since they had met.
Long story short, after this incident, Sinon wondered if her focus on her own problems caused her to disregard the worries of those around her. She figured that this had been an issue for a while now, but the trouble because of that dungeon raid had been the final straw.
Due to that thought process, she had also begun to reconsider these conversations with Akinym such as the one they had at the moment. She had only ever viewed anything Akinym had told her in light of her own issues. Sure, that had been the point of those conversations, but after everything that had happened, Sinon wondered if Akinym had enough problems of his own. She figured that he deserved that someone heard him out and tried to help him as well.
Akinym didn't know of this train of thoughts yet, and it took him quite by surprise when Sinon brought this up seemingly out of nowhere. His facial expression showed this clearly.
Sinon: It's just… I've thought about some of the things you've told me, and it made me wonder… Take that guy from the DDA we met a few days ago for example. You… What you told me about accepting that others think poorly of you when you can't change it… That sounded as if you've had to deal with that a lot, and I wondered… what exactly made you think that.
Akinym lowered his gaze for a moment, and since he seemed to think about what he should say, Sinon kept silent for a moment, waiting for his reply.
Akinym: That is a long story. One of the "it all started when I was born" kind.
Sinon [slightly annoyed]: Seriously?
Akinym [dryly]: Well, I guess it's not that bad, [calmly] but it comes close.
Akinym paused again for a brief moment. He leant back and looked at the sky above them.
Akinym: You're right to assume that I've seen… that kind of attitude a lot, Sinon-san. I… have been kind of expecting it for a while now, especially from my former students. They put up with my methods because they wanted to learn everything I could teach them, but as soon as that was over, they left, and I doubt many of them would be happy to see me again. I guess I was too harsh and unforgiving with them.
Sinon [slightly confusedly]: Then… If you know about that issue, why didn't you just… not be too harsh and unforgiving?
Another brief moment of silence followed.
Akinym: How?
This counterquestion took Sinon a bit by surprise, and she wasn't even sure what exactly Akinym wanted to know from her, so she didn't answer.
Akinym turned his gaze back to Sinon. His expression was calm, but there was a hint of melancholy.
Akinym: How do you teach someone without that issue? I've been asking myself that question a few times, but I've never found an answer. I think I've told you about it: I'm not actually a good teacher. Honestly, I'm an abysmal teacher.
Sinon [taken aback, slightly hastily]: I think you're exaggerating! You… [slightly timidly] You weren't that bad…
Akinym [dryly]: Very reassuring! [seriously] No, in all honesty, I knew what I should teach others, but not really how. That already became totally obvious when I tried to help new players after launch. As you can imagine, everyone was shocked and scared. I searched for players who weren't, and I thought I found some, [hesitantly] but… Well, back then, I failed to consider that they may haven't broken down, but that didn't mean they weren't affected. They missed their families and friends in the real world, and they were scared, especially since they didn't even know what it would take to survive in this game. I guess they would've needed a patient teacher who would've encouraged them. Instead, they got one who pointed out every little mistake and pushed on their training way too much.
Sinon [slightly annoyed]: And why exactly did you continue to do that even though you knew about the problem?
Akinym: For starters, I didn't realise it back then, at least not until my students accused me of being a bad teacher on purpose and ditched me. [slightly tiredly] That didn't change the problem, though, and that's why I kept being a super strict teacher even when I took that work up again. [slightly dejectedly] I was always much better at dealing with factual problems than with people, so I did that. [flatly] I knew what players had to know in order to play this game successfully, so I focused on bringing that across… because I actually had an idea how to do that.
Sinon [slightly confusedly]: Wait… So what about the story that you put so much pressure on your students because they had to get used to stress if they want to fight at the front?
Akinym: Well, that's a part of it, but it's actually mostly a byproduct. At first, that was just how I roll. You see, I didn't have anyone who could… well, teach me how to teach. Thus, I had to learn from experience, and by thinking and learning more about the problems of the players and the issues I had with my students, I guess I could improve a bit, but only within limits. [flatly] If you think that I wasn't that bad, it's probably because you haven't seen me when I started…
Sinon: In that case, why did you even start to look after others like that again? I mean, you could've kept fighting as a front-line player.
Akinym: Well, someone had to do the job, but nobody else would, so…
Sinon: I see.
Sinon thought a bit about what Akinym had just told her. Even though she had had some questions, it didn't really come as a surprise.
However, it occurred to Sinon that their conversation had deviated from what she had actually wanted to talk about.
Sinon: I get that you had some issues with your former students, but… I actually wondered if you had any problems like that… in the real world. [slightly worriedly] You said that you've been better at dealing with factual problems than with people. That doesn't sound like something someone who gets along with those around him would say. [quizzically] So, was there anything? [hastily] I mean, if it's okay with you to talk about this! We can drop this topic if you want.
Akinym sat on his bench motionlessly for a moment. He had never talked about this with anyone outside his family, but he caught himself wondering what Sinon would think about his "story"… or why she wanted to know about it in the first place.
Akinym: I'll tell you. You're right, I… have been at odds with my contemporaries for as long as I can remember. I'll spare you the details, or at least most of them, but I was known as the kid you could never have fun with. I don't think I was ever interested in anything "popular" such as any games, music, sport or movies. I… don't understand children, and that wasn't different when I was one myself. Neither could I ever get invested in their problems. I don't think that will change when I get back to the real world. If anything, it will be worse. I mean, how am I supposed to take it seriously when someone's biggest concern is if they will like the performance of their favourite actor in their newest movie? Especially after I've basically fought in a war?
Sinon: Well, I can get where you're coming from. I… hardly remember the last time when a normal, everyday issue was my biggest concern. I've never known someone who shared my interests either. [slightly doubtfully] But… I don't think that this would mean that people start thinking poorly of you. At least not clearly or openly.
Akinym: I guess you're right about that. I'd say it was a part of the problem. Aside from that, I was also brutally honest, and I was usually the person who reminded others of problems and told them what they probably couldn't do. That kind of pessimistic attitude wasn't exactly well received. I still remember the time when my class in high school discussed what they wanted to do for the cultural festival, and I was the one to point out potential problems with… everything, actually. Back then, they called me a buzzkill, and I think that sums it up pretty well.
Sinon apparently thought that this was funny. She began to smirk a bit. Akinym noticed that, and wondering what this was about, he looked at her with a bewildered expression.
Sinon: It's just… It's kinda strange to hear that people thought that of you. [hesitantly, slightly embarrassed] I mean, I've never had… you know… I don't think I've ever had as much fun as when I can… well, joke around with you. I just thought that it's kinda ironic.
Akinym: Well, that's with you. I didn't get to show my… "humorous" side very often. I've always had a quite snarky sense of humour, and that's not everyone's cup of tea, you know? Especially kids are not exactly fond of it, at least not according to my own experience. I don't know about you, but…
Sinon: No, I… I believe you. I've experienced that myself. I butted heads with the other kids sometimes over my… special sense of humour. It's just that I was rather introverted, and I learnt how to keep my remarks to myself early on…
Akinym: Well, I didn't, and maybe that's the problem… In regard to everything I've told you – and a few other things – I was considered a weird, arrogant geek who thought that dealing with those around him was beneath his dignity.
Sinon [slightly confusedly]: Seriously? I mean, I was known as the quiet bookworm, and the others considered me an oddball even before… you know. [slightly dejectedly] So… I guess I know the feeling, but I'd also say that these stories people tell behind… [slightly annoyed] the backs of their main characters… They're not exactly… sound judgment.
Akinym: Yeah, maybe… I suppose there were a few incidents that backed this image up, though, or at least they were viewed that way. [contemplatively] For instance, there was this incident in… [slightly insecurely] I think it was during… third? [slightly contemplatively] Yeah, I think it was during my third year in grade school.
Akinym paused for a moment to make sure he remembered everything about the event in question correctly.
Akinym: The school cafeteria was short-handed sometimes, and they needed help with arranging their storage. There had been a delivery of fruits on that day, and I had to put some boxes away with a girl. [slightly confusedly] For some reason – I still don't know why – the girl disliked oranges… or maybe I should say that she despised them. [slightly hesitantly] Yet… There were several boxes of oranges, [annoyed] and this girl absolutely refused to go near them. I didn't see why I should take care of them all by myself, so I demanded that she at least explained what was the issue. She refused to, so I insisted that she carried some boxes, too. To emphasise the point, I put a box right at her feet. Well, and she started to act up for real. I kept putting down boxes full of oranges all around her.
Sinon: You did what?!
Akinym [slightly exasperatedly]: You've heard that right. [calmly] I kept stacking up boxes around her because she neither wanted to help nor talk about it. She even started to cry at some point, but I didn't stop until I had walled her in completely.
For a moment, Sinon stared at Akinym with a bewildered expression. Akinym didn't really know what to say, so he kept silent. In the end, Sinon sighed.
Sinon: I can't believe you'd do something like that!
Sinon lowered her head. Suddenly, her shoulders started to twitch, and Akinym heard that she made some noises he couldn't make out at first. For a moment, he had the feeling this was quiet groaning, and it worried him a little.
However, he came to realise that she actually tried to suppress laughter.
Sinon: Or actually… I totally can… picture that…
She lifted her head again, and now, it was more than obvious that she was laughing, although she tried to hide it by holding her hand over her mouth.
When she saw Akinym's slightly puzzled expression, Sinon stopped all attempts to conceal what she thought about this story.
Sinon: Sorry, but what am I supposed to do? I've just pictured you… as a kid, piling up boxes around a girl... as if it's the most natural thing ever! [teasingly] Leave it to you to make someone cry with oranges.
Akinym [dryly]: It's a rare gift.
Sinon: Oh, I know! [slightly taken aback] But I guess you really did some strange stuff. [exasperatedly] Or maybe I should say insensitive stuff. It may be so bizarre that it's already laughable, [slightly sternly] but you honestly overdid it!
Akinym [flatly]: I don't think so! Still not. [slightly exasperatedly] I still don't know what problem she had with oranges. [dryly] Well, they made me apologise. I even got her an apology gift.
Sinon: An apology gift?
Akinym: A small sack of oranges.
Sinon [shocked]: A sack of… [sighs, exasperatedly] Honestly, I don't know if I should laugh or cry…
Akinym: Well, whatever option you pick, I guess you're not mistaken about one thing: [slightly dejectedly] I didn't get along with other kids, and it's also my fault…
A moment of silence followed, and Sinon used the time to think of something she could say in this situation.
Sinon: But have you never… you know, tried to get better at dealing with those around you? I mean, I won't believe you that you've never wanted to have friends!
There was another moment of silence as it was Akinym's turn to think about an appropriate answer.
Akinym [contemplatively]: I guess what I've never wanted was people I'd just call "friends". Once you actually think about it, you quickly realise that most people use the term "friend" extremely shallowly. They call others their friends, but they're actually talking about acquaintances. If I don't have someone I'm truly connected with, so that I can call them my friend without doubts, what's even the point?
Sinon [mutters]: What a luxury problem…
Akinym: Hm?
Sinon: Nothing! But let's keep the semantic aside, okay? You know what I meant!
Akinym: Well, I suppose you're right. To be honest, I didn't try too hard to make friends. [slightly hesitantly] My parents did.
Sinon: Your… parents?
Akinym: I mean, they wanted me to. And they came up with some ideas that were supposed to help me. At first, their ideas were pretty… normal.
Sinon: Normal? Like what?
Akinym: For instance, they insisted that I joined a club at school. I wasn't too keen, but I played along. Well, and thinking that if I had to, I could at least do something useful, I settled on combat sports.
Sinon [slightly surprised]: Combat sports? Wait, does that mean those techniques I've seen you using are really…?
Akinym [nods]: I thought that I could at least learn how to defend myself if necessary, [slightly exasperatedly] although I didn't think that I would need that knowledge… well, like this. [calmly] I'm still glad that I learnt it. Those techniques and tactics saved me a few times, especially in the early stages of the game.
Sinon: Well, I guess it turned out to be pretty useful.
Akinym: It did, [slightly exasperatedly] although those club activities missed the actual point, at least as far as my parents were concerned. I was never interested in any of the other club members. Well, and during middle school, I had to stop practicing entirely, so that's the end of that story. [slightly taken aback] From that point on, their ideas to help me "socialise" became pretty weird.
Sinon: Huh? Why? What did they make you do?
Sinon had to wait for an answer unexpectedly long. Akinym sat there in silence for a moment, staring at her and then into space with his typical "I'm deep in thought" expression.
Akinym: You know, my parents work for a quite successful trading corporation. Argus, the company that developed SAO and the NerveGear, was one of their business partners. My father led negotiations about a deal regarding the SAO project.
To be more precise, the company Akinym's father worked at had acted as an intermediary between Argus and some foreign producers of hardware components, which Argus had needed for new servers and NerveGear prototypes. The company had also been in charge of shipping and a variety of foreign-trade-related services.
Akinym: After sealing the deal, my father learnt about this VR game from an Argus employee, who also told him that there were still a few beta keys available.
Sinon [slightly shocked]: Wait, does that mean that…?
Akinym: Well, my father thought that this "hip" VRMMO might be a good way to meet more people at my age, and in the anonymity of a game, it might be easier for me to make friends, [slightly exasperatedly] although I have no idea how he came up with that train of thoughts… [flatly] I wasn't even interested in this game, and I hardly played it during the beta. I… [slightly annoyed] I couldn't see anything in this world, and I didn't get invested in it at all. Not until this virtual reality became unpleasantly "real".
Sinon [slightly contemplatively]: I see… So, what do you think? [slightly worriedly] Did the "plan" of your father… fail?
Akinym raised an eyebrow upon hearing the question. It was a rather odd question in his opinion. However, Sinon looked quite serious while asking it, so Akinym figured that he should answer honestly.
Akinym: I'd say so.
Sinon [slightly dejectedly]: I see.
Akinym: In the end, it's not that different in this game world. Well, I'm not different, and chances are that the other people aren't, either. [slightly exasperatedly] At the end of the day, I'm the Hollow Instructor, a harsh, unfriendly and hollow person, an unlikable individual, even in the eyes of those who have to put up with it because they want something from me. That didn't change even though the "instructor" title doesn't fit anymore.
Akinym looked up at the sky and continued with a distant, somewhat melancholic voice.
Akinym: Sometimes I wonder if anyone will ever look past that… rough exterior…
Sinon [sternly, slightly upset]: Knock it off already!
Sinon's sudden outburst startled Akinym, and when he looked back at her, he could see that her expression matched the anger in her voice.
Sinon: You're acting as if the whole world is against you! Listen, you can't tell me that you haven't noticed that not everyone around you is like that, [upset] and if you tried to… [growls quietly, sternly] That kind of attitude would fit someone who pities himself better, and even if I ignore appearances, [annoyed] it gives me the feeling that you're "accepting" that others think poorly of you again, and I still don't want to see you do that!
Akinym was still a bit taken aback by Sinon's statement, and it didn't get better when she suddenly put on a small smile.
Sinon: What if there are players who don't get that you'd only make a deal with the devil because someone has to in this game of life and death, so they don't even realise you'd probably bargain so hard that it would spoil the whole thing for the devil? [teasingly] Now you know someone who does.
Now, Akinym couldn't help but put on a small smile himself. Sinon even brought up a story from the time when the Assault Team Council had been founded. Back then, some people had argued that Akinym was someone who'd make a deal with the devil, stating that such a person was unfit to represent the Assault Team as a council member.
Akinym: Well… I suppose you're right. Not that I could argue with you anyway.
Sinon [feignedly huffily]: You better keep that in mind! [dryly] You could do with becoming more sensitive, though.
Akinym [dryly]: Thanks for following up with a complaint!
Sinon [slightly teasingly]: You're welcome!
They kept talking about Akinym's mannerisms for a while, and over time, Sinon's curiosity regarding a particular question that had been on her mind for a while grew. Well, you could call it a dormant question since she usually didn't think about it, but in the current situation, it had come to her mind.
Sinon: You know, I get that you have your own way of viewing certain things, but… I've been wondering… How come? I mean, we're talking about your… rough edges, but I guess I have no idea where they stem from. [hastily, slightly apologetically] It's okay if you don't want to talk about it, though!
Akinym [dryly]: You sure like to add that last part, don't you? [flatly] Seriously, I'll say it if I won't give you an answer, so if there's something on your mind, just ask! At least if it's here. [slightly exasperatedly] Don't bother with these convoluted phrases!
Sinon [slightly annoyed]: It's called "manners"! [mutters] Although I guess I shouldn't be too surprised at that attitude when I'm asking about your… unconventional point of view on certain things.
Akinym: If that's how you see it… [contemplatively] But I guess you're right. It's just that this is another long story, so where shall I even start?
This required a moment of thought. Once Akinym had got his thoughts in order, he leant back and looked at Sinon with a calm expression.
Akinym: Alright… You could say that it's all thanks to my mother and my older brother.
Sinon: Older brother? You have a brother?
Akinym: Yes, but let's go over this in order, okay? At work, my mother deals with oversea business partners of the company she works at. When she was younger, she went on many business trips to different countries across the globe. Well, and she brought back many stories about different cultures and philosophies – which she told my brother and I.
Sinon [slightly hesitantly]: Well, that probably were some… interesting bedtime stories. [quizzically] So, I guess you've been inspired by foreign ideals or something? I've heard that the mentality of other peoples can be quite different, and I think I've seen a bit of it in stories I've read, but… [slightly curiously] Anyway, is that it?
To Sinon's surprise, Akinym didn't answer right away. Instead, he averted his gaze for a short moment and grimaced quite a bit while thinking.
Akinym: Yes and no. Overall, no, that's not the point. There's a… different connection. [hesitantly] Our... [slightly contemplatively] Yeah, let's call it "our" culture. It has a strong sense regarding what's "normal" and the way things should be. At least that's what I think. However, my mother has told me a lot of stories that – among other things – painted a… different picture. When I got older, and I understood better what my mother had been telling me about the rest of the world, I started to wonder: What is actually the right thing to do? Or rather, is there ever a "truly right thing" to do?
Sinon: Um, it's nice to see you getting philosophical, but could you get to the point?
Akinym [slightly annoyed]: The point is that if so many people end up having completely different ethical principles seemingly just because they were born in different places, doesn't that prove that any form of ethics is completely subjective? [flatly] So, I think it's a sign of mere arrogance when people act as if they know for sure what's "right" and "wrong", [slightly exasperatedly] and just hearing about it usually makes me mad. For instance…
Akinym suddenly stopped mid-sentence. He started to think about something so intently that Sinon wondered what might be on his mind this time.
Akinym [mutters]: Yeah, that would be the perfect example… [says aloud, seriously] For instance, if a little girl in a small town got caught up in a robbery, and she ended up shooting the robber, how would the people around her react?
Sinon grimaced for a second, and she lowered her gaze. She wished that Akinym wouldn't have brought this topic up again. This conversation was supposed to address something else. It shouldn't remind her of the way she had been treated in her hometown.
Akinym, however, didn't pay it any mind, mainly because he had anticipated that she wouldn't like this digression.
Akinym: In our country, "no killing humans" is an iron rule for the majority of people. It's as simple and imperative as that. There isn't even a case-by-case distinction, and questioning that is… ill-received, to say the least. In short, even killing someone in self-defense is frowned upon.
Sinon [gruffly]: So, are you going to say that this is wrong? Like, again? [slightly frustrated] Is that what this leads up to?
Akinym [flatly]: Not exactly. [seriously] But do you know that there are countries where people wouldn't just not have any problems with that act, they might even view you as a hero because of it?
Sinon stared at Akinym in disbelief for a moment.
Sinon: You can't be serious… A hero? For killing someone?
Akinym: That's not the important part. It's just that when they hear about this incident, some people see the person you've killed, while others see those you've saved.
Now Sinon could at least understand what this was about. In this situation, she began to wonder… What if she had been born in such a country where she would've been a "hero" instead of a murderer? What would this have meant for the people around her, especially her family? What would this have meant for her?
Akinym [calmly]: You can see it, too, can't you? How pointless it is to even argue about whether what you did was right or wrong… You could just decide that it was the only thing that should be considered or the one thing that shouldn't even have come to your mind – just on a whim, and nobody could prove you right or wrong. [slightly tiredly] Why does anyone even bother asking about the morality of an action if the answer is completely arbitrary anyway? [slightly contemplatively] Once I arrived at that question, I didn't know where to go from there…
Sinon: You did not? So, does that mean you've found your answer eventually?
Akinym: I didn't.
Sinon's eyes widened as she stared at Akinym in confusion. Well, at least Akinym didn't wait long until he continued.
Akinym: It would be more accurate to say that my brother did. That's where he comes into play.
Sinon: Huh? How does that involve him?
Akinym: Well, my brother has always been an extremely rational person, more than I am. When he was confronted with that question, he knew his answer right away: Don't try to make a moral decision, make a logical one! The situation alone always dictates the course of action, just as the output of an algorithm is always determined by the input. Logic is something universal – a much better guide in any situation.
Sinon: That may be true, but… Don't you think that what you said sounds... a bit heartless? It is true that ethics are a vague and admittedly subjective thing, but one's ideals mean a lot to people, and if you tell them that something they believe to be wrong… or right… that this would be "logical" or "illogical", [slightly worriedly] they don't want to hear it.
Akinym [slightly confusedly]: Um, that's true… [seriously] but honestly, I think that's just people jumping to conclusions when they hear the word! Who says that logical decisions have to be cruel or "heartless"? [slighty upset] What's next? They're fitting a "hollow" person?!
Sinon [hastily, slightly shocked and apologetically]: Ah, n-no! That's not… I didn't mean it like that! [slightly apologetically] It's just that we've talked about your issues with others earlier, so I wanted to say that people might think that way, [calmly] although I have to admit that I'm thinking this way to some degree, too. I think that looking for a moral compass is… human. [slightly determinedly] Of course people want to do the right thing, even if it's such an indefinable term! It's not a question of the head, but… well, of the heart. Even if there's no logic behind the way a person feels, even if it's bothersome, it's still… how it is. Wouldn't ignoring that be the most illogical thing of them all?
Frankly, Sinon had said the last part more or less to herself rather than to Akinym. It didn't change the fact that it was probably a good addition.
Akinym [calmly]: I have to apologise, too. I probably shouldn't have snubbed you like that. It's just that you're right about one thing: What you've said reminded me of… certain issues, [slightly frustrated] and I didn't think that I would have to explain that to you. [seriously] I just have to say that being rational and being heartless are two very different things.
Akinym had a particular example in mind to elaborate on that, but he had to think about how he could bring it across best. When his brother had explained this train of thoughts to him years ago, he had basically given him a lecture about positive cones, and that wouldn't help Sinon…
Akinym: For instance, assume that a kid played with a kite, but it got caught in the branches of a tree. Now you're passing by on a leisurely stroll, and you have two options: You can climb on the tree and help the child to get their kite back, or you can just keep walking. The logical thing to do would be option one. If you can help someone without any bad consequences for someone else, you obviously should go for it. The only reason not to do that would be laziness, and nothing good has ever come from sloth. You gotta do something about a problem when you see one.
Sinon [slightly doubtfully]: Well, it's usually not that easy, isn't it?
Akinym: That's true. A situation where some people benefit from a choice, but nobody suffers because of it… I'd even call it the exception rather than the rule. In reality, you'll have to choose. [slightly worriedly] Choose… What to choose? Prioritising the interests of friends and family? Or considering everyone equally? [looks at Sinon] Or maybe you believe that there's a price nobody should have to pay for someone else's sake. [slightly contemplatively] I've always tried to be pragmatic… and to avoid playing favourites. I just think it's egoistical to treat someone preferentially just because you care about them more on a personal level.
Sinon looked at Akinym with a quizzical expression. Frankly, this had been the first time she had ever heard someone calling caring for one's loved ones "egoistical".
When Akinym noticed Sinon's expression, he wondered if it was because he had started digressing again. To be honest, he had the feeling that he was about to lead the conversation to a completely different topic again, so he stopped, wondering how he could get back on track.
Akinym: Let's stop talking about that, okay? [seriously] What I'd like to mention, though, is that even if you can't replace ethics with logic, you can still try to think about them rationally. For instance, rather than just accepting an ideal or a principle as an absolute rule, you can think about what makes it so important, and this can teach you a lot about the problems those ideas stem from… or those that stem from these ideas.
Sinon [slightly hesitantly]: I see. [flatly] Why do you wanna talk about this?
Akinym: Sinon-san, why is it wrong to kill someone?
Akinym asked this question so nonchalantly that Sinon had no idea what to think for a moment. Once she regained her composure, she wanted to reply in a rather simple manner by saying something along the lines of "human life is precious".
However, she slowly began to realise what Akinym was getting at. If she had said that, his next question would probably have been what made human life precious in the first place. What was the "logic" behind that idea? Just like any ethical principle, human life itself didn't have an inherent value. It only had the value people saw in it, but this could be an arbitrary decision.
Frankly, the thought didn't sit right with Sinon, but she couldn't deny it, so she decided to think about why this question and the related issue irked her so much.
Meanwhile, Akinym just sat on his bench in silence. To some degree, Sinon's reaction had been his intention, or at least he was glad to see it. Thus, he didn't press her to give him an answer.
Sinon: There was this… incident after what had happened at the post office. On a field trip, my class went hiking, and we had to walk down a trail on a narrow ledge at a cliff. There was still enough space for two or three children to walk side by side, but as a safety precaution, we had to walk in pairs, and the kids next to the wall had to hold on to their partner that was closer to the edge. If they slipped or anything, they could keep them from falling, you know. Well, at first, I was supposed to walk on the wall side. [uneasily] They had to force someone to form a pair with me, [frustrated] which was bad enough already… [dejectedly] But when we wanted to start walking, the girl in question… She didn't let me touch her and complained that there was blood on my hands. In that moment, there was nothing but disgust in her eyes. She and so many others thought that I crossed a line nobody should ever cross. [slightly contemplatively] But in hindsight, I think there was always at least a glimmer of fear. I think people aren't trusting those who crossed the line because it could mean that they are able to do anything – and that's a problem.
After finishing that little story, Sinon kept looking at Akinym while he was thinking about how he should react. She wondered if he would try to argue against what she had said.
Akinym: You might be right about that. In the end, I've never seen any of them, so I can't tell, but I guess what you said would cross others' minds. I mean, assume for a moment you're on a sinking ship with your mother, and there's still some space left in a lifeboat, but there are too many people. Now assume you have a gun. A person who killed someone to save their loved ones once might do it again… and this time, it would be at the expense of some completely innocent…
Sinon [interrupting, upset]: That's nonsense! I'm not a murder machine or anything like that! I… I probably would be stricken with guilt just considering it, and I… I could never bring myself to pull the trigger of… that thing! [averts her eyes, mutters, very frustrated] And you should know that!
A brief moment of silence followed.
Akinym: I do.
Sinon's head jerked around, so she faced Akinym. At first, she was quite surprised, and not just because she hadn't expected that Akinym would pick up on her last sentence.
After a moment, however, she realised what Akinym had done, and she became annoyed, showing that clearly. Akinym responded with his best "What did you expect?" expression.
Sinon: You know, sometimes it gets on my nerves when you do that.
Akinym [slightly confusedly and exasperatedly]: When I do what?
Sinon: Don't play dumb! You wanted me to snap, so I would see that I could talk back or something like that, didn't you?!
Akinym: Actually, I just wanted to point out that people who killed someone once might kill again, and this can scare others, but that's not necessarily justified. [casually] Keeping that aside, I have to say that it actually worked better than I thought. I even got you to say that you're not a cold-blooded murderer.
Sinon was confused for a second, but she quickly realised that Akinym was right. She had said it – openly and honestly. This took a moment to sink in.
In the end, Sinon could only sigh. How did Akinym always come up with these ideas? She had wanted to hear his story to see if she could support him for a change, but now he had somehow found a way to turn the tables on her.
Let's say that Sinon wasn't the kind of person who would just accept such a "defeat". Thus, she intended to approach a… suitable topic.
Well, she couldn't do so directly without making the situation a bit weird, so she started by asking her question where Akinym got his ideas from aloud.
To be honest, it could've almost been called a joke, but Akinym was quick to give an actual answer. Apparently, it had all started during summer break when Akinym had been in his second year in middle school.
He had visited his brother, who had been studying at university, and he had been working on a project with a psychology student. During a meeting with said student, she had advised Akinym to compensate his lack of social skills by studying basic psychology.
It had been an interesting idea in Akinym's opinion, so he had gone along with it. His parents owned some books about negotiation strategy, which also included information on psychology, and they encouraged him to learn more about negotiating anyway, so he had been free to read these books to his heart's content. Furthermore, he had found some other books and articles about the topic.
Sinon wondered how much basic psychology would help, but according to Akinym, she "would be surprised how much could be derived from a few fundamental principles if you put some thought into it".
Well, and that was the transition Sinon had been waiting for.
Sinon [slightly contemplatively]: What you can learn from it… [slightly quizzically] Does that actually include how to deal with – and I hope you don't mind me asking this – with the sight of someone dying in front of you?
Akinym [mutters, exasperatedly]: You won't stop with the… Ugh, never mind… [says aloud, flatly] The kind of information you'd need for that isn't something you'll find in a book about negotiating. I would've needed specific literature on that topic, but I had never thought that I'd need it one day, so I can't help you with that kind of…
Sinon: That's not what I mean! I was referring to… what happened to you.
For a second, Akinym wasn't sure if Sinon was getting at a specific incident. Then, it dawned on him that she was indeed speaking of a very specific event.
Akinym: You mean Amaterrace's…
Sinon nodded in response, and a short moment of uncomfortable silence followed.
Sinon: I was wondering if you ever had a chance to talk about it. I mean, to talk about it calmly with someone who heard you out and… who tried to understand. [slightly hastily] I know it's probably hard to talk about it, but… [reassuringly] I know the feeling, but I'm glad that I… got to talk with someone about what happened to me, so if there's something you want to get off your chest… [softly] I'll be there to listen.
At first, Akinym had no idea what he should think about Sinon's offer. He quickly realised that she was right about one thing: It was hard to talk about this particular episode of his life in Aincrad. There weren't many things that Akinym felt deeply uncomfortable about, but what had happened to Amaterrace was at the top of that list.
What Akinym couldn't make sense of right away was the feeling that it would be okay to open up to Sinon. Maybe it was what she had said about being glad she had got to talk to someone about her past. Akinym had never really believed what he had heard about "talking about one's problems" as a coping mechanism. In his opinion, talking about a problem was meaningless unless you also did something about it. However, Sinon should have more "insight" into this matter, so who knew…
Akinym: Well, you know the story, so what exactly is there to say? I'm not really sure what to talk about…
Sinon: It doesn't matter. Just… speak about whatever comes to your mind. Well, and if there's nothing, how about… Do you actually have nightmares about what happened, too? I've been wondering about that for a while.
Akinym's expression became even more serious, and the glint of pain in it became a bit more visible as he nodded, thinking about the nightmares in question.
Akinym: Occasionally. It's particularly bad at times when the incident is on my mind a lot, for instance when I was at odds with Asuna-san after what happened during the boss battle on the eighty-third floor.
Sinon nodded understandingly and hummed quietly.
Sinon: What… What are they like?
Akinym: It's… Well, they usually take place in the forest where it happened. I meet the assassin from back then, and he… [grumpily] He mocks me… [frustrated] with that face.
Sinon [slightly confusedly]: That face?
Akinym: I mean the face he made when he… [dejectedly] I think I'll never forget that face… that deranged expression of pure joy and anticipation. I still remember how he said something about this being "his first".
Sinon grimaced when Akinym said that. She started to have the feeling that she hadn't thought this through. The stories about player killers had always struck a chord with her, but for the most part, she had been worried what those who told these stories would think if they knew that she wasn't so different from these player killers.
That fear was still there, but ever since she had begun talking about her past with Akinym, there had also been room for a different thought. Sinon had heard how some player killers, Laughing Coffin in particular, enjoyed committing their atrocities. She wondered how anyone could take a life and pleasure in that act.
Well, the thought of their crimes still caused the same unpleasant feeling. Oddly enough, Akinym had called this "a good sign" once because it was proof that she didn't feel that way about murder – or anything else "criminal players" had done.
Anyway, Sinon brushed these thoughts aside for the time being, so she could focus on the matter at hand.
Sinon: I can understand that. I… also can't forget the face of the man I… the man I killed. [slightly frustrated] Believe me, I tried, but… [dejectedly] I guess it really isn't supposed to happen…
Akinym [slightly sternly and annoyed]: Don't get me wrong, but… [slightly grumpily] if there's a parallel to that, it's Amaterrace's expression! [dejectedly] Not that I'll ever forget hers either…
Akinym didn't continue for a moment, and Sinon started to wonder if she should say something to encourage him to keep going. Judging from his contemplative expression, however, it might be more considerate to give him a moment to come to his own decision, so Sinon kept silent.
Akinym: You know, this is something I really haven't told anyone so far… Her expression before she died… or rather after she died… Needless to say, she had been terrified. When she was at the mercy of this… maniac, she couldn't even avert her eyes – I don't know if she had wanted to. But when her last HP were gone and the HP bar vanished… I've been thinking over and over again how to describe her expression in that moment. There was something other than fear, and I think it's pure despair. [slightly quizzically] Have you ever wondered what it's like to… die in this game?
Sinon: I… Honestly, I try not to think about it. [thinks] Knowing what it's like to almost die is bad enough…
Akinym: It had never really crossed my mind before that day either. It has to be pretty bad, though. It's not even that you're just gone, there's a certain amount of time – I don't even know how long it takes – between the death of the character and the moment the NerveGear kills the real person. What may be on their minds during these moments, when they know exactly what is going to happen, while they don't have any chance to do anything about it?
Sinon: I… don't know. I have no idea. I guess we have to consider ourselves lucky if we'll never find out.
Akinym couldn't help but chuckle about that remark, although it was a rather cynical chuckle.
Akinym: Yeah, you're right about that, [slightly contemplatively] although I'd still like to know. Sometimes I think I could understand what happened better if I did… and maybe I could also deal with it better.
Sinon: Maybe… [reassuringly] but if it helps somehow, I've always thought that you cope with your demons quite well, [slightly dejectedly] and better than I do with mine. I mean, you don't become nervous or even have a panic attack the moment someone mentions orange players…
Akinym [flatly]: Don't give me too much credit! [seriously] I know what you're getting at, but I'm not as steadfast as you might think. What guns are to you is what indecisiveness is to me.
Sinon: Indecisiveness?
Akinym: Yes, indecisiveness. Don't forget that the thing that haunts me the most about Amaterrace's death is the fact that I couldn't make a decision when it really counted! Ever since, the mere sight of someone who couldn't make an important decision has driven me mad.
Sinon [contemplatively]: Well, now that you mention it, I think I remember something like that happening a few times. [slightly confusedly] But that was a while ago! Recently…
Akinym: Don't get me wrong! It's become a lot better during the last weeks… or maybe I should say months. I still don't like it, and you can believe me that I'm not a fan of all the bickering at the council meetings or whenever I meet the leaders of the different guilds! [slightly contemplatively] But still… I can… bear it. Not too long ago, I wouldn't have been able to put up with any of this.
Sinon let it sink in for a moment. Frankly, Akinym had left the most important question unanswered.
Sinon: How did you manage to do that? I mean, how did you get better?
Akinym: To be honest, I'd say it's mostly that I reconsidered my attitude towards that matter after my dispute with Asuna-san and Kirito-san. Although… No, that's actually not true. What happened during the quest when we got Milion Howling for you is more important. You remember what I've told you about the two criminals that accompanied us on that quest, don't you? [Sinon nods] Well, despite what I've told you about whether I made a "good" decision in that situation, I have to admit that sparing that tanky guy turned out to be the best course of action. Seeing that holding back and hoping for the best can be the better choice made me feel more comfortable with a more… reluctant – or maybe I should say restrained – attitude when it comes to decision-making.
Sinon: I see. So that's what happened…
Before Sinon could think of anything else to say, she could feel small droplets of water falling onto her skin. She took a look at her right arm, and there were indeed some drops of water.
At the same time, Akinym reached for his face and ran his hand over his left cheek. Noticing that a drop of water had landed on him, he looked up and spotted dark clouds above them instead of the usual "pseudo night sky".
Both he and Sinon had been so immersed in their conversation that they hadn't noticed the approaching rain shower at all. They were lucky that it was just a drizzle… for now.
Sinon [slightly exasperatedly]: Great, just what we needed… Should we had back in case it gets worse?
Akinym: Yeah, it would be better. Let's call it a day… or night. It's better than getting soaked.
They walked back to the teleporter at a brisk pace.
Akinym: You know, now that I take a look at the time, I'd say it's already quite late anyway! Maybe it's for the best that we were interrupted. But regardless… [softly] Thanks.
Sinon [slightly reassuringly]: No need to thank me! If you have something on your mind again and want to talk about it – even if it's just here – I'll be there to listen.
Akinym reciprocated the smile Sinon had put on and nodded.
Well, and that concludes the therapy sessions. That is, Akinym and Sinon will still meet at that spot to talk like this, and there'll be at least one more time when I'll write about it, but there won't be another chapter like this.
I'd say that this was the most... philosophical chapter I've written so far.
Little Preview: Akinym and Sinon come to the conclusion that their old gear isn't going to cut it anymore, so they have to get proper replacements. Fortunately, Asuna can recommend a highly-skilled tailor. If only she wasn't so eccentric...