Gifts of Love Large and Small - Chapter 8
She considers and reconsiders her decision to drive to the cabin the entire way to the cabin, but she also doesn't turn around and head home. She can't. At best, it's a misunderstanding and an overreaction on her part. At worst… well, she's going to try not to think of the worst-case scenario right now. Either way, she's on her way upstate to check on her father.
Gates had been none too happy with her when she'd called and rescheduled their weekly check-in, but there'd been too much melancholy in her father's voice the night before on the phone for her not to do something. It had been too damn reminiscent of the years immediately after they lost her mother and she'll be damned if they're going to revert back to that nightmare.
He's been struggling, she knows. She's felt it, too, grief and memories coming and going like waves over the last few days, but she's had Rick to bring her back, her babies. Who does her dad have? Up at his cabin, all alone, who does he have to bring him back and remind him that the grief doesn't have to be all-consuming?
Her fingers tighten around the steering wheel.
Her. He has her. He has Rick and the kids, too. Martha and Alexis. And they're all on standby right now, ready to jump in at her signal. There's a fine line between helpful and overwhelming, and she knows that her husband and children's support often zigzags said line, so first, she's going to make sure her father can handle that energy and insanity before she brings anyone else up to the cabin with them.
Her phone rings just as she's pulling off the interstate and away from the nicely maintained roads to ruddier, rougher pavement.
"Beckett," she answers without even looking at the ID. She'd said she would be reachable.
"Hey. How's the drive?" Rick's voice is warm, easy, inviting her to tell him the truth – that her stomach has been fluttering for hours, that she's hoping so fervently that she's been reading too much into all of this.
"It's fine," she says instead, exhaling. "I'm about forty minutes out," she adds.
"And you? How're you doing?"
She sighs, swiping her fingers over her brow. "I don't know, Rick. I'm…I hate that I even have to think about it."
Her husband exhales. "I know. I know you're worried, but I know how steady your dad is, too. When you were shot, when we got hurt and were recovering, even when you were pregnant with the boys and we were so worried about them… he was rock solid, Kate. He was rock solid."
He's right about that. Not once had her father wavered in any of those moments. If anything, he'd been the one who held them together when they weren't sure they could do it themselves.
"He's going to think I don't trust him," she says, admitting another of the concerns that's been nagging at the back of her mind since she departed the loft hours ago.
"It has nothing to do with trust, Kate. You know your father and you know how hard this time of year is for him and for yourself," Castle continues, "and you're going up there to check on him and support him through whatever he's feeling right now."
His reassurances help, though they don't completely eliminate the nerves licking at her gut.
"Take some time with your dad, Kate. Even when you see him, it's always with the kids hanging all over him. You need some time together, just you."
Kate exhales, licking her lips. "You're right."
"My two favorite words."
"Castle."
His laughter warms her. "I love you is three words, Beckett."
"Aww, that's nice of you to say, Castle. I love you, too."
Castle laughs harder, sobering a moment later. "Let me know when you get there and if you want us to drive up to see Jim later or even tomorrow."
She hesitates. "I don't want to abandon you guys. It's their first full day of winter break."
"Honey, we'll be fine. We'll wrap all your Christmas presents and eat tons of chocolate and I'll convince the kids that doing the dishes with me is fun. Or we'll just sit around watching movies and getting everything sticky."
She laughs, touching her fingertips to her lips. "So, business as usual, then."
"Basically. And we'll facetime before bed. It'll be fine, Kate. More than fine."
"Okay," she agrees. She'd packed an overnight bag but hadn't fully intended to use it. It helps, though, knowing Rick's fine with it if she does. "I'll talk to you soon."
The rest of the drive feels so much easier now that she's talked to him, accepted his comfort. Now she just has to hope that her father is willing to do the same when she gets to the cabin.
Even though she parks on the gravel driveway and that's not exactly a quiet approach, it's the crunch of her boots on the snowy lawn that seems to alert her father to her presence. At the very least, it's what lets him know that his visitor is staying instead of making a delivery and turning around.
He opens the front door to the house, looking quizzical as he steps out onto the porch. "Katie? What's going on? What's wrong? Are you okay? Are the kids okay? Is Rick?"
Kate shoves her hands into her pockets, putting her foot on the first step.
"They're fine, Dad. Everybody's fine," she insists, hating the way his brow has furrowed with concern. "I just… I wanted to see you. I feel like we've been playing telephone tag a lot lately, and when we do talk… it's just been crazy."
Jim tilts his head, studying her carefully. Her dad has always had the ability to read her, to see through her bluster even when she doesn't want him to. "So, Rick and the kids are fine. And you're fine, too. You just drove all this way to see me?"
Lip firmly between her teeth, she nods.
"Your legs are probably stiff from the drive," he says as she climbs the rest of the stairs. "Let me get my coat and we can take a walk."
"Okay."
She waits in the doorway for him to shove his feet into boots and shrug into his coat, holding the screen door open for him to slip past her and tromp down the stairs.
They set off on the well-worn path toward the lake, walking side by side in silence. The woods are quiet today, everything muted by the blanket of snow that fell overnight, and it only makes their footsteps louder.
"So," her father says finally, once they've rounded the lake and can see the cabin from the other side. "What's really going on, sweetheart?"
Kate loops her arm through his, leaning her cheek on his shoulder. She pulls a deep breath into her lungs, savoring the crisp air and gathering her thoughts. "Dad, are you okay?"
He stiffens under her cheek, his forearm flexing beneath her fingers, and she knows she's asked the right question the right way.
"Honey," he starts.
"Castle noticed it, too," she adds. "You just seem… down. And it worried me, it really worried me when we talked last night, and you sounded so far away."
She starts to squawk when he pulls away, but he doesn't go far, doesn't leave her standing by the lake to walk away. Instead, Jim slips his arms around her shoulders and pulls her into his chest, hugging her tightly.
Her arms lock around his back and she presses her face to his shoulder.
"It just hit me a little harder than I thought it would," he says into her hair. "It's been more than twenty years without her and after the last year… the last two years…" he trails off. "It's felt so much harder than it has in a long time."
"I know," she agrees. "I feel it, too. Sometimes the kids will do something we used to do with her, and it hits me all over again that she's not here to see it, not here to see any of us."
Her arms tighten around him. "But Dad? Disappearing – figuratively or literally – isn't going to bring her back."
She swallows hard, knowing he might not be ready to hear it, and most likely doesn't want to hear it at all. But he needs to, just as she needed to learn it for herself. Grief isn't linear, but it doesn't have to be this either.
"I know," he says, choked. "I know that."
"It's still hard, though," she agrees, twisting to look out at the water. "I know. Just… don't forget that we're here. I'm here."
Jim exhales, and she can feel the way it shakes his frame. His hand curves against her ear, bringing her closer.
"I know you are." He kisses her temple. "And even if I didn't before – which I did – I absolutely do now; after you drive all morning to show up and let me know."
She laughs into his coat, doing her best to avoid wiping her eyes on the fabric; he'll have a hell of a time getting her eyeliner off if she does.
"Always impulsive, Katie," he murmurs, affection warm in his voice.
"You know me. Neither age, nor work, nor responsibilities…"
They chuckle together.
"I'll do better at explaining how I'm feeling," he adds once their mirth settles, scrubbing a hand down her back for warmth. "So you won't need to drive up here like this again."
She nods, accepting the promise and tucking it to her chest.
"Good."
Jim's lips touch her hair again. "Now, should we head back? I'll make some coffee and you can get set up and do some of the work I'm sure you have to do today. And you can tell me what my grandbabies are up to, too."
She squeezes him one more time before stepping back and looking around the lake. It's gorgeous today, it really is. Chilly and calm, the sky just cloudy enough to suggest there could be more snow on the way.
"According to my husband, they're going to destroy the house with wrapping paper and chocolate, candy canes, toys, and pillows and blankets, and put it all back together before I come home – so we'll see about that."
He laughs. "Well, if you'd like to spare the loft some of that torment, and Rick doesn't mind making a road trip with the three of them on his own, let him know they're welcome here. Give the kids somewhere to run around that won't annoy your neighbors or require a trek on a busy sidewalk. You can stay as long as you like."
Kate eyes him. She hadn't been fishing for an invitation, but the fact that he's offering means a lot.
"Are you up for it, Dad? I don't want – I know my kids and my husband, and if they're too much, it's okay."
"To find out all about Lily's pajama day at school – and be able to hear it this time? – and play ball in the snow with the boys? Not to mention hearing all about Rick's antics from the man himself? Yeah I am."
Her father smiles and she can tell that it's genuine. This is what he wants; he's reaching for them instead of pulling away. Just as she'd hoped he would.
Coming here had been a good thing. The right choice to make.
She nods, slipping her hand around his elbow and squeezing his arm. "I'll call him when we get back to the house."
She has no doubt what Castle's answer will be.
Thank you for reading! Apologies for not having a chapter for you yesterday. Hopefully, this one made up for it.
Until next time!