The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is nursing a hangover. What happened after Shots? And where was Ray during this? Besides being at IIA? Well…
One Shot Too Many
"Well," Mallory glared at her staff in her office the following day. "We lost Sandra. Not that I expected her to last long anyway."
"She was kind of a downer on the group dynamic," Cheryl remarked as she sniffed some glue.
"And a bit judgmental," Lana added. She looked rather hung over.
"And that's her saying it," Cheryl pointed.
"True. But I at least expected her to last longer than a week!" Mallory shouted. "Don't bother going over the whole nerve gas, monster truck, drugged up strip club fish murdering rampage with the prince of Durhan. I figured it out between Sandra's screams and the news reports!"
"To be fair Mother," Archer spoke up. "Cyril and I weren't there for most of it."
"Yes, I got a call from the Planetarium again," Mallory sighed. "Which brought back memories of your fifth-grade field trip."
"We didn't bring the nerve gas," Cyril protested. "And we saved the prince!"
"I saved the prince," Archer corrected. "With some help from Murderfoot over there."
"Do I even want to know what that is about?" Mallory pointed to a cast on Cyril's foot.
"That nerve gas cannister was harder than I thought it would be!" Cyril protested. "Plus, the pavement was a little uneven."
"To be fair," Archer admitted. "It was. I stumbled a bit while leaving."
"Thank you!" Cyril said.
"No, thank you!" Archer said. "When a night out with you is better than a night out with these guys, you know something is wrong! Man, you guys really…"
"FOOOOOOOOO!" Krieger was lying in a chair with a weird look on his face.
"Uh how long is he going to be like that?" Ray asked as he pointed at Krieger.
"Well he took about a dozen of his own pills," Pam remarked. "So, I'd say…Tuesday?"
"That sounds about right," Cyril nodded. "Speaking of which you were doused in chemicals when you fell into the ocean. Chemicals which pretty much killed everything in the harbor! How are you not even sick?"
"I've built up a tolerance over the years," Pam shrugged. "Between Pampages, raves, my brief cocaine addiction, and whatever shit Krieger's given me over the years…."
"Shoooooby, dooby, dooo…" Krieger crooned.
"I wish I had your tolerance," Lana groaned. "Yup. I definitely had one shot too many."
"You think?" Ray looked at her. "I thought you learned your lesson from your bachelorette party!"
"Apparently not…" Lana groaned.
"Oh man," Pam realized. "Sploosh is not going to be happy. I feel bad now about trashing that monster truck."
"I feel bad about trashing all those cars with the monster truck," Lana admitted.
"I feel bad we killed all those fish," Cyril admitted.
"Who cares about some ruined sushi?" Mallory snapped. "You idiots are just lucky the prince was so drugged up he barely remembers going out. Let alone who he was with. And luckier those guards were on the take."
"What I'm worried about is what Sandra might say and do," Lana admitted.
"I hadn't seen an employee freak out like that since the Fourth of Ju-Luau," Mallory groaned. "At least this one didn't write her letter of resignation in pig's blood."
"I'd be more worried about Robert if I were you," Archer told Lana.
"Why?" Lana asked. "He didn't even show up last night!"
"He did," Archer said.
"Oh," Lana blinked.
"Right when you were hitting on the bartender," Archer added.
"Oh noooo…." Lana winced.
"Guess those cars and the ecosystem weren't the only things that got trashed last night," Cheryl laughed.
"I can't believe you people!" Ray snapped. "That's another party I wasn't invited to! I'm starting to take this personally!"
Lana looked at him. "You wanted to go on a drunken drug filled rampage with stolen monster trucks, a couple of ticked off guards, a nearly dead prince and nerve gas?"
"It would have been nice to have been asked!" Ray snapped.
"People like to be asked Lana!" Mallory agreed.
"First of all," Archer spoke up. "Ray wasn't even there! And two, since when are you on his side?"
"Since he's the only one of you I can trust not to screw everything up!" Mallory shouted. "And believe me that's a bitter pill to swallow!"
"Where were you last night anyway?" Pam asked.
"On a mission," Ray and Mallory said at the same time.
"What mission?" Archer asked.
"Uh…." Ray paused.
FLASHBACK!
"One courier mission for The Agency," Ray remarked as he sped through the city using his bionic legs. "Another one for IIA. Just another night in the life of Ray Gillette, Cyborg Spy."
"Huh. I could use a better tagline than that. I wonder if Cloud Beam does freelance consulting?"
Ray's phone beeped. He stopped outside a nearby café. "What?"
"Ray, I need you for a mission tonight," Mallory sighed. "Apparently there are some loose ends from my past I need to tidy up."
"In other words," Ray realized. "Nobody else from The Agency is going to be in on this."
"They're too busy getting drinks with Sandra Snore," Mallory groaned. "Just meet me at the following coordinates in an hour. Oh, and Ray…"
"Don't tell anyone. I got that," Ray rolled his eyes.
"You'll get it if you do," Mallory snapped. "But that's not what I was going to say. We're going to a…seedier part of town. You need to wear something to blend in."
FLASHBACK!
"What?" Ray looked at Mallory. He was wearing his biker outfit with black jeans sands the ass-less chaps. "You said to blend in!"
"I didn't mean as part of the Village People!" Mallory snapped. She was wearing her black catsuit. They were both standing in an alley behind a warehouse on the other side of town.
"Oh, pardon me Catwoman," Ray quipped. "At least I'm not dressed for a rendezvous with Batman!"
"I guess I should be glad you wore pants this time," Mallory sighed. "Come on."
"Where are we going?" Ray asked as he followed her.
"To see an old friend," Mallory told him.
FLASHBACK!
"Friends?" An older man wearing a white suit speaking with a French accent sneered. "We were never friends Mallory! Especially after what you did in Paris all those years ago!"
Mallory and Ray were tied up back to back, hanging from a long rope from the ceiling. "Don't you think you're being a bit of a drama queen, Jules?" Mallory rolled her eyes. "Especially tying us up like this?"
"Yeah how cliched can you get?" Ray asked.
"He never was very original," Mallory admitted. "He even once tied me to a railroad track."
"Get out!" Ray was stunned. "Seriously?"
"Fortunately, the moron tied me to the wrong track," Mallory admitted. "The train went on the other side. I was able to escape easily. But still…"
"You shall pay for robbing me!" Jules shouted. He had his henchmen in black standing next to him. "That gold was mine!"
"To be fair," Mallory pointed out. "You stole that gold from the Germans. I'm not saying I disapprove but…"
"That's technically a war crime," Ray nodded. "You gave that gold to your bosses, right?"
"Most of it," Mallory shrugged. "What? I needed a down payment on a new apartment for my life after the war! I deserved a cut!"
"And now I'm going to cut you and your…" Jules looked at Ray in disgust. "Associate in half!"
"I see why you picked me for this assignment," Ray said dryly. "Thanks a lot."
"Shut up," Mallory groaned.
FLASHBACK!
Mallory and Ray were fighting back to back against several hired thugs. Obviously, they had escaped Jules' trap. Mallory got out her gun and shot several of them dead.
"You won't get away with this Mallory Archer!" Jules screamed as he brought out his gun. "I'll kill you, you old cow! And your little fruit fly too!"
"OH, SHUT UP!" Ray shouted as he used his super speed to run towards Jules. Without thinking Ray disarmed the man and used his bionic hand to punch him in the face.
Which resulted in Jules' head flying off across the warehouse. It literally splattered against the wall.
"Dukes," Ray winced at the carnage.
"Damn," Mallory's eyes widened.
He looked at Mallory. "Sorry. I know you wanted to finish him off."
"Oh," Mallory remarked. "No biggie. As long as he's dead. That's the important thing. Although I wish you hadn't killed him until I had a few more words with him but…These things happen."
"Again," Ray felt foolish. "Sorry."
"Couple things," Mallory said calmly. "First of all. Great fighting. You really have a good technique. If I have one tiny suggestion…This is not a complaint mind you. I would suggest not using your bionic hand to hit someone unless you really want or need them dead. Again. Not a criticism."
"Dukes," Ray looked around at the dead bodies. "This is a mess. What do we do now?"
"First," Mallory sighed. "Grab any wallets you can find. And we'll check the back to see if there's anything in the office safe. Second…"
FLASHBACK!
Mallory and Ray watched from a safe distance as the entire warehouse went up in flames.
"If there's anything I've learned from this agency," Ray sighed. "It's how to start a big fire really fast."
"Great," Mallory groaned. "This is the second warehouse we've burned down in two days!"
"I so want time off for this!" Ray snapped.
"Fine!" Mallory shouted as police and fire sirens were heard. "Just get us out of here!"
"Climb on the Gillette Express," Ray helped her on his back. "All aboard!" He zoomed off.
FLASHBACK!
Soon they were in an alley on the other side of the river. "Okay I think the coast is clear," Ray let Mallory down.
Mallory's hair was sticking up. "I haven't had a ride that fast since the last time I dated Quickie Malone. He liked racecars. Okay now we just have to establish an alibi as far from…"
VRRRROOOOM! VROOOOM!
"I AM THE GOD OF MONSTER TRUCKS! YEAAAAHH!" Krieger's voice was heard in the street.
"Krieger?" Mallory blinked.
"What the…?" Ray cautiously looked out and saw a monster truck roar through the streets. "That was Pam driving that truck. And it looked like Lana and Cheryl were with them!"
"What the hell are those idiots doing on a monster truck?" Mallory asked.
CRUNCH! CRUNCH!
"Besides wrecking nearly every car in the street?" Mallory sighed.
"I'm guessing it's a Pampage," Ray told her. "You know? A combination of Pam and rampage. Gotta admit it fits."
"I'm going to get a bunch of calls about this in the morning, aren't I?" Mallory sighed.
"Looks like," Ray sighed. "Want to go to a male strip club?"
"Fine," Mallory sighed. "Just not Ding Dong's. I haven't been allowed back there since the incident with the whipped cream and the stapler."
FLASHBACK!
At a different strip club…
Mallory and Ray were at a plush private table watching the male strippers dance at a more uptown male dance club. "Normally I wouldn't care for sweat in my martini," Mallory remarked. "But this time I want it full to the brim baby!"
FLASHFORWARD!
"A routine courier assignment," Mallory covered. "Again, when Gillette is the more reliable one…"
"I hate to say it but I agree with her on this one," Ray shrugged.
Pam looked at the computer on Mallory's desk. "Uh oh…Sandra posted a review on GSW."
"It's not good is it?" Archer sighed.
"No, it is not," Pam winced. "Ooh. Saying our agency's name should be CHAOS is a little much."
"But accurate," Cyril shrugged.
"Do I want to know what she said?" Mallory sighed as she took a drink.
Pam shrugged. "If you really want to know how the words monsters, insane, unprofessional and quarantined on an island with landmines go together. Oh. Snap. She's also blaming us for what happened on the last mission and the deaths of all those fish."
"There go our ratings," Cyril sighed.
"That little snitch…" Mallory growled.
"I knew something like this was going to happen," Cyril sighed.
"Just be grateful she doesn't know everything that goes on around here," Archer pointed out.
"SQUEEEE!"
Piggly in all his glowing glory walked by the door of the office. "Sometimes I wish I didn't either," Archer admitted.