I woke early the next morning. I hadn't moved the entire night. I felt grungy and hungry. Rolling myself out of bed, I turned on the shower. Without waiting for the water to warm up, I quickly stepped in. The chill of the icy water covered my flesh with goosebumps.

As it warmed, I allowed it to burn my flesh, hoping it would take away from the ache that was deep within my body. When the hot water no longer felt warm enough, I switched off the shower and stepped out. In just a towel, I made my way to the kitchen, digging out some of the food that HR had left for me, not even bothering to heat it.

Standing at the counter hunkered over a bowl of food, I heard my door sliding open. I didn't have to turn around to know who was there. Suddenly feeling very self-conscious in my towel, I stood tall, hoping it would cover the bruise that was poking out the bottom.

"What do you want, Kylo?" I asked, placing another bite of food in my mouth while keeping my back to him.

I heard the familiar hiss of his helmet separating.

"How did you block me?" he asked quietly.

I turned, surprised by his gentle tone. He looked at me, holding his helmet in his arms. He was standing just out of my reach, but he still tensed slightly.

"Were you listening after you left?!"

His lips twitched, but otherwise, he didn't reply.

"Of course you were," I turned back around for another bite of food before flipping my hair dramatically to face him again. "I just did what you asked. I focused. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to finish getting ready for training."

His nostrils flared, and one of his hands clenched into a fist. He watched me for a moment before aggressively putting his helmet back on.

"You have five minutes. Don't be late," his metallic voice growled.

"Wouldn't dream of it."

When he was gone, I let out a large breath. What was I thinking? Why did I keep trying to challenge him? He could very clearly kill me in the blink of an eye. I quickly packed up the remaining food and threw on my outfit. My hair would have to hang loose today; I didn't have time to do anything else. And besides, it was still damp, making it harder to manage.

This time when I arrived, Kylo's mask was already off. He repeated the same pattern as yesterday, pushing me hard. The only words he said during those six hours were "again" and "good". When I was barely standing, he gave a sad attempt at mental training. When he pushed, I stopped pushing back.

What's wrong? I thought.

I wanted so badly to pry, but I didn't want him to blow up again. When he didn't respond after a few moments, I put my wall back up, pushing against him. I tried the same technique I had discovered yesterday. Closing my eyes, I imagined touching him. The feeling of him pressed against me. Once again, I found balance. It was no longer a struggle to keep him out. I simply existed. My feet left the ground, and I just let the Force surround me.

I allowed myself to exist in this balance for longer than necessary once he stopped pushing against my thoughts. It was nice just to be. I wasn't trying to think of protecting myself or pushing him away; I was just there. Eventually, I let my eyes open, and I slowly came back to the ground.

A miniscule smile pulled at the corner of his mouth and his breathing was slightly elevated. I wasn't sure how much he had heard before I was able to block him, but even with his tiny smile, I couldn't help but beam proudly. Being caught up in the moment, I took a step towards him, going in for a hug before I could stop myself.

His sinewy body tensed beneath my touch, and I quickly pulled away, hiding my blushing face behind my hair. Before I could apologize, he cleared his throat.

"Good. Now get some rest. No training tomorrow. We'll meet again the day after."

And without another word, he left. I hoped this time he wouldn't be destroying anything, but I couldn't be sure without invading his thoughts. I shuffled back to my room, glad to just lay down and relax. If HR stopped by that night, I missed it.

The next day, I let my body recover by simply relaxing. I slept late into the morning, feeling replenished when I finally started moving around. Before I knew it, it was nearly 5. I anxiously awaited the arrival of my friend, excited to hear how things went for him.

As soon as the door opened, I bounced over to him, squeezing him tightly for just a moment before realizing how sweaty he was.

"Ew. Go shower," I said playfully.

He laughed heartily.

"I'm not sure what you expected. You're no gem after training either, you know."

I rolled my eyes, pushing him towards the bathroom.

"Yeah, yeah. Just go."

It didn't take long before HR came back out looking refreshed. I smiled, glad to be able to have dinner with he again. He had enjoyed his second day of training better than the first. Probably because Kylo hadn't shown up. I chuckled to myself but avoided poking fun.

HR also seemed much less exhausted than the first time I saw him, though he still wasn't as chipper as he was before the training. Like always with him, the evening was relaxing, but short. I kicked him out when he dozed off the third time. I was sad to let him leave, but I understood his need to rest.

As soon as he was gone, my mind immediately went back to Kylo. I hadn't mentioned to HR that Kylo had let himself into my room the previous day, and I wasn't sure why. I think part of me wanted to hold onto the idea of Kylo as human just being for me. I selfishly wanted to keep the man behind the mask for myself as long as I could.

As I shut my eyes, I imagined his dark features boring into me. My heart fluttered with delight. I slowly drifted off to sleep, replaying the tiny smile that brightened Kylo's face.

The next few days of training went mostly as expected. I was getting wiser to Kylo's fancy moves, leaving me less fatigued by the time he wanted to focus on practicing the Force. However, the more alert I was, the easier it was to lose concentration. I also found that the longer I went without Kylo's touch, the harder it was to pull the memory back. He managed to avoid any extra contact or chit chat when I attempted them, leaving me feeling more and more disheartened each day.

When we reached day five of training a week and a half later, I was at peak frustration. Kylo refused to engage in conversation. He hardly looked at me. And at the end of the previous training days, he had left without a word. This time, I decided I wasn't going to let him pull away anymore. I needed him too much right now. I needed his chaos to collide with mine, finding perfect harmony.

"Kylo?" I tried to pry during a quick break.

He side glanced in my direction, not fully acknowledging me.

"Why won't you look at me?" I asked.

"There's nothing to see," he mumbled.

I let out an exasperated laugh.

"What does that even mean?! Look at me!" I tried again.

He took two long strides, putting his face in mine.

"You're not the one in charge. I am, " he growled.

"Well then grow the fuck up and use your words," I bit back.

I could see his patience snap. He crashed down on me with everything he had, moving more quickly than I had ever experienced. I struggled to keep up, just barely blocking him each time. I could feel the strain in my muscles as he pressed on, backing me into a wall. When I fell to the floor, he took a pause and stepped back, pointing his stick at me.

"Get up."

"No," I said defiantly.

"Excuse me?" the surprise evident in his voice.

"I said. No."

"Get. Up. I won't say it again."

"NO!" I shouted, sending his stick crashing into the wall and shattering.

Without missing a beat, I heard the door lock the same time that he grabbed my arm and dragged me over to a bench. He sat, pulling me down over his lap, then started spanking me. Hard.

I gasped, not prepared for the strength behind his hand. For several strikes, I was unable to react. I was frozen by an overwhelming amount of emotions. When the pain started growing, my mind was able to focus enough to process the position I had ended up in.

I squirmed, trying to break free from his grasp, but he simply paused, placing his leg over the top of mine.

"What are you doing!?" I squeaked.

"What you need," he said softly. "And want," he added, barely audible.

I clenched my fists but stopped trying to escape, laying my cheek against his calf. He was right. Something in the pain squelched my defiance, while his touch calmed me. I focused entirely on the burn that was building in my backside. His large hand easily covered most of my flesh, though he was effectively moving to include my sits spots.

When I let myself finally relax into the pain, the desire started to win over. The heat quickly spread between my legs, almost causing more discomfort than his hand. I knew I had a high tolerance for pain, but I didn't think that being punished this way would stir so many emotions within me.

Before long, I was moaning with pleasure. My squirming was no longer an attempt to break free from his grasp. I just desperately needed release and was ready to do just about anything for some sort of contact with my groin. Tears were lacing my eyes, threatening to escape. When I felt like I was about to explode, he stopped, lifting me to my feet like I weighed almost nothing.

Before I could react, he clutched my face, smashing his lips into mine. I immediately reached my fingers into his hair, pressing hard back into him. Too soon, he broke away, grabbing his helmet and leaving me there utterly destroyed once again. I dropped to my knees, lightheaded and confused. I swallowed back the tears that now threatened to provide me some release.

I needed to get back to my room before someone found me here. I used all the strength I had left to stand, forcing myself to walk as quickly as I could. Luckily, I didn't run into anyone on the short jog back. When the door slid open, a gloved hand reached out and pulled me into a kiss once again. This time, his urgency was more subdued. The gentle need at his mouth left me wanting more.

When he pulled his lips away, he rested his forehead against mine. His long hair tickled at my cheeks.

"What are you doing to me, Astra?" he whispered.

"Existing?" I attempted to joke.

"Did I hurt you?" he asked, sounding disgusted that he even needed to ask me.

I flushed, my face burning red.

"Not in a bad way," I said quietly.

He chuckled softly, and I jerked back, frowning.

"Do you have any idea how long I've wanted to do that?" he asked, brushing the hair from my face.

"What? Punish me for being naughty?" I asked seductively, running a finger along his chest.

He laughed more loudly.

"No. Well, maybe. But, no. Kiss you," he finished quietly, shutting his eyes.

"Oh. Did you want to kiss me when you asked me to join you?" I asked, recalling the memory.

"Maybe. I didn't have much time to focus on that."

"Well, then when you kidnapped me?"

"Do you think that throwing knives at me makes me want to kiss you?" he asked, showing the first signs of being an actual human.

I let out a cackle.

"No, I suppose not. But did you think that trying to discipline me would make me want to kiss you?" I grinned.

"You wanted to kiss me before that," he pointed out.

"Ugh. You're so frustrating!"

"Then learn to block your mind."

I pulled away, exasperated.

"Are you really still trying to train me right now? No. Not in my room. This is my safe place. I won't allow it."

He smirked at me, removing a glove then reaching out to place his palm against my face. I sighed, resting my cheek into him and putting my hand against his.

"Kylo?" I asked, looking up into his eyes.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for this room. And for keeping HR safe."

He jerked back slightly at the mention of HR but held his composure for a moment. Then he lowered his hand and stepped back before responding.

"You're welcome."

I rolled my eyes at his response.

"Seriously, Kylo? You've been in my head. Are you really that dense? I want to be with you. He's just my friend."

He frowned at me.

"He's in love with you, you know."

No. He couldn't be. Could he? We were just friends. Nothing more. Right? I quickly thought through our times together. Fuck. Maybe he was.

"Well, I'm not in love with him."

"But you love him?" he questioned.

"Get out of my head, Kylo. But, yes. I do care for him very deeply."

"Sorry," he grumbled.

I pulled him in for another kiss. My body instantly yearned for more, and I didn't wish to find the willpower to stop. A feral growl climbed up his body before his tongue was suddenly dancing with my own. My hands were grasping desperately for him as his made their way to remove my clothing.

In a brief moment of clarity, I grabbed his hand, separating our mouths to speak.

"No. I need you to leave."

He tilted his head at me in question, but I could see him fighting down his anger and frustration. I smiled apologetically, giving him a quick peck along his scar.

"I need to take care of some things, and HR will be here soon. I don't want to rush into this, and I don't really feel like explaining... this to him right now. At least not this way."

He clenched his jaw and nodded, reaching out one last time with his bared hand to touch my cheek. A tight smile reached his lips once he relaxed.

"You're beautiful, you know."

"I know," I responded.

He let out a booming laugh, putting his glove back on and picking up his helmet. Shaking his head, he stepped close to me once again.

"Astra?" he said before placing his identity back on.

"Yes, Kylo?"I replied, noting the smile that tugged at his lips when I said his name.

"I'll see you in the morning for training," he swatted my ass then smirked.

"Out!"

As soon as the door slid shut, I melted over the back of the couch. What had just happened? I felt happier than I had in a long time. Things felt right, and I was thrilled to satiate the constant pull to Kylo. With a glance up at the clock, I noted that I had about 45 minutes before HR would arrive for dinner.

"Shit," I mumbled.

Rushing to the bathroom, I hopped in the shower, using the water pressure to climax. It didn't take much. Drying off, I wrapped a towel around my head, looking for an outfit that might be less appealing to HR. I found a somewhat baggy shirt and sweats and threw them on.

I was just removing the towel from my head when I heard a knock.

"You may enter," I said in a faux deep voice.

At first, when he removed his helmet, he looked concerned. When he saw no immediate threat and looked back to me, I spoke again in that same voice.

"You will shower and meet me at the table for sustenance and stories."

He laughed awkwardly, a confused look on his face.

"Are you alright? Kylo work you a little too hard in training?"

I couldn't stop the blush from creeping up my cheeks, so I snapped around, pulling out some food.

"I'm fine! Just a little distracted," I grimaced to myself for exposing even that much.

"Uh-huh. Sure. You sound totally fine."

HR removed his armor, setting it by the couch, then coming over to take the food from my hands. When our skin brushed, it forced the words hanging at my lips.

"Have you ever been in love?"

He stammered, pulling away from me. I turned to look at him, expecting an awkward avoidance, but instead, I was met with a pang of extreme sadness.

"HR?"

"Her name was Felicity," he said quietly.

"Was?" my voice trembled.

"That part of my life died. We were young. I was training to be a stormtrooper, and I had to let her go. I needed her to be safe and happy. I was breaking so many rules just to be with her."

"You seem to have a habit of that," I pointed out with a full mouth.

He smiled briefly, but it didn't reach his eyes.

"You remind me a lot of her. The way you're so confident and friendly. Beautiful. Kind. Funny. Caring. The biggest difference really is that with her, I knew she loved me, and I loved her."

"And with me?" I asked quietly.

"It's obvious that you love him. Even if you haven't realized it yet. There has to be something from the past that you'll remember. Something that will explain why you're so drawn to him."

"But, he told me that you're in love with me," I whispered, trying not to feel manipulated.

"Wow. So you're past the no talking phase then?" he cackled.

"I guess," I mumbled, unable to hide the red in my face.

His eyes searched my face for a moment before he sighed with resolve.

"I'm in love with the idea of you. I know that you're attractive and wonderful. But it's mostly just that you remind me of her that stirs the feelings. Your friendship is far more important than me letting my yearning for her destroy what we have."

Tears pricked my eyes. His honesty was more than I could have asked for, and the well thought out reply gave me hope that Kylo wasn't just digging around in HR's head to get something to use against me. HR knew what he felt. I just wished I could do something more to ease his pain about Felicity.

"He kissed me," I muttered, needing to distract him.

"WHAT!? ASTRA! HOW COULD YOU NOT LEAD WITH THAT?!" he shouted.

"Shhh. My stars. Keep your voice down!"

I tried to be stern, but his excitement for me was contagious.

"How? When? Where? Why?! Are you even actually training? How long have you been holding out on me?"

I groaned, regretting not just telling him straight away.

"Fine. You finish making dinner. I'll set the table while you listen quietly."

"AYE, AYE!" he replied dramatically with a salute.

I shook my head, rolling my eyes.

"Yes, we are actually training. It was honestly getting a little tense until today. He would barely even acknowledge me unless it was to bark a command. Anyway, we started arguing, fighting. And then," I paused, deciding to leave out the minor detail of his punishment, "he grabbed me and kissed me."

"How was it?!"

"Well, the first time it--"

"THE FIRST TIME!? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow the ship down. How many times did you kiss today?"

"Two, but--"

"TWO! Did you keep training after the first one?!"

"HR! Would you let me talk?!"

He flushed with embarrassment.

"Sorry. I'm just excited for you. Please, continue."

I sighed, trying not to let his unrelenting energy distract me.

"Like I was saying, the first time it was aggressive. Desperate. It was like he was sure he would never have another chance, so he wanted to press everything he felt through our lips as quickly as he could."

I paused when HR started bouncing up and down. Shooting him a look, I nodded, permitting him to ask whatever was tickling his fancy so much.

"Was it good?"

"It was," I hesitated, trying to think of the right words, "necessary."

"Necessary!? What the hell kind of way is that to explain a kiss?" he said, looking offended.

I spat out a single laugh.

"There was a lot of pent up tension begging to be released. But he also has a tendency to push away his feelings, so it ended as abruptly as it started. And then, in true Kylo fashion, he left without another word."

HR groaned dramatically.

"What a tease!"

I chuckled at him.

"Wait. You said that there was another time. Did he come back?"

"Um. No."

"Okaaaay. Soooooooo. Was he waiting outside? Did you chase him down? I need details!"

"I stayed in the training room for a bit, trying to reel back in my emotions. When nothing was working, I ran back here. And when I opened the door..." I shrugged.

"What? He was here waiting?! OH MY STARS. I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS."

I stared at him with a strange look. It seemed like he was building it up more than it needed to be, but at the same time, it felt like he was outwardly expressing everything I was unable to.

"Yes," I said eventually. "He was waiting here. He didn't even give me a chance to see him; he just pulled me in as soon as I was in his reach."

My heart fluttered wildly as I remembered it. He had been so gentle. So loving. So passionate. His bared hand against my cheek. I sighed.

"I'm going to guess by the look on your face that round two was much less necessary and much more desired?" he giggled.

I nodded, unable to speak for a moment as the feelings washed over me again. I quickly snatched a napkin that started to raise off the table before replying.

"Yes," I said breathlessly. "So much more."

"And then what happened?"

"We briefly talked. And I... kissed him and then asked him to leave."

"Astraaaaaaaaaaaa. WHY?!"

"Because I had pre-scheduled dinner plans with my best friend," I smirked.

"I'm pretty sure your best friend would have understood."

"Yeah? And how would that have gone down? You waltz in here to find Kylo half-naked on my couch, pressing his lips into my collarbone?"

I shuddered, imagining what that would be like.

"Shall I leave you and your thoughts to sort this out?" he teased.

"Stop that," I replied, tossing the napkin at him. "But really. How would that have made you feel?"

"Like I would be on death's doorstep for the rest of my living days. Never knowing if I was going to upset the Supreme Leader. I already have to worry about upsetting you and him coming after me. I can't imagine him taking kindly to be caught in such a vulnerable state."

I nodded.

"Yeah. You should probably start knocking. Just to be safe. I have no idea where any of this is going, but I do know I want you out of harm's way."

"Are you sure this is what you want? It doesn't really seem healthy to feel like you have to protect your best friend from being killed by your boyfriend."

"He is not my boyfriend," I snapped back defensively.

He lifted his eyebrows, waiting. I let out a frustrated sigh.

"Look, I don't know what this is. I know he can be dangerous, but I feel what else is there. His struggle. I think he wants the same thing that I want," I said calmly.

"So, sex?"

"HR!"

I threw another napkin at him, which he dodged while laughing.

"Balance. He wants balance. Giving so much into the dark side has been tearing him apart. He's struggling between the pull from the light and dark at the same time."

"And you think you can help him find that?" he asked.

"I never fully gave in to the light. Balance cannot exist without both sides. Continuing to fight from the extremes of each side will just keep throwing off the balance. If I allow myself to learn from the dark equally what I learned from the light, maybe I can remind him."

"Remind him?" HR inquired.

"Yes," I said simply.

"You know, for someone who can't remember her own name, you sure are wise."

I laughed heartily.

"Well, thanks. I guess."

"You're welcome. Let's eat!"

As we ate, I would catch HR trapped in his thoughts from time to time, and I couldn't help but wonder if Felicity was still around, waiting for her one true love to return. After we said our goodbyes, I laid awake in bed, my mind wandering. How much would change during training tomorrow? How secretive would he want to be about us? What were we? I drifted off to sleep as my mind remained chaotic.