The next morning, I felt flustered. I didn't know how things would go today or if he would shut me out again. My palms were clammy no matter how many times I tried to dry them on my pants. Unable to appease my anxiety, I left for training long before I should. I made sure to leave a note for HR on the counter in case he stopped by after I left.

For the first time, I arrived before my trainer. Letting out a large breath, I sat on the ground, calling on both sides of the Force. Focusing in on Kylo's touch, the energy swirled, colliding and blending. I reached out, trying to sense the Force beyond the proximity around me. I instantly felt Kylo as he headed down the corridor to where I was. Through him, I felt his connection to Rey. Jealously filled me as I sensed their bond. The anger won over, throwing my balance and sending me tumbling to the ground.

I prepared myself for a rough landing; instead, my fall was absorbed by strong arms. I opened my eyes, Kylo's mask in my face. When he didn't put me down or say anything, I reached up and removed his mask, letting it fall to the ground. His brow was furrowed, but he didn't seem upset. I took advantage of the situation, wrapping my arms around his neck and leaning my head into him. I inhaled his scent, noting that he smelled like a forest after the rain.

"Getting started without me?" he mumbled quietly.

"I was trying to calm my anxiety before we started today," I whispered.

I noticed the subtle goosebumps along his jawline when my breath touched his skin.

"What made you fall?" he asked, leaning his cheek against my head.

I tensed, quickly trying to focus enough to block the reason why before he could figure it out. But I presumed when he squeezed me slightly, he already knew.

"It's not like that with her. Snoke connected us through the Force to help me bring her to the dark side. She helped me kill him, but she still won't join me," he replied, slightly nuzzling into my hair, frustration rolling through his muscles.

"You couldn't just kidnap her like you did with me?" I asked.

He chuckled.

"I tried. She didn't want to stay. But you do."

I felt my anger rising again. He was just going around collecting people he thought would help make him stronger. I was nothing more than a pawn in his game to gain power. I released my grip, pushing out of his arms and catching myself on the floor.

"Astra--"

"No!" I shouted, hearing something explode nearby. "I won't play your games. I'm not here to join the dark side. I'm here to find balance. If you just want power, then you can keep playing your games with Rey. Maybe she'll give in, and you two can rule the galaxy together like you want."

"It's not--"

"It is, though! Why else would you bring me here? You were hoping to manipulate me because I can't remember my past. It all makes sense. You probably used the Force to draw me to you, didn't you? Is that some trick you learn as a Supreme Leader?!" I scoffed.

His face paled, but he didn't defend himself against anything I said. I knew I needed to get away from him before my emotions got more out of control. I hated that his touch was the only thing I had discovered as a way of managing the Force. There was no way I could think about that right now.

I threw open the door, storming into the hallway and running to my room. I felt utterly alone. I couldn't go back to the Resistance, and I wasn't sure that I wanted to stay here. I crashed into the bedroom and wrapped myself in the blankets on the bed. My body shook violently as tears poured from my eyes.

I wanted nothing more at that moment than for Kylo to come hold me, but he was the one causing the painful conflict inside of me. Had I let my dreams get the best of me? Was any of it actually real? Was I just a pawn in his game?

How easy it must have been for him to find someone with the Force who couldn't remember anything about their past. Someone that he could mold into the person that he wanted them to be. Someone that would be stupid enough to fall in love with the idea of him.

I had convinced myself that the Force wanted us to be together, but now I wasn't even sure what to believe. As my tears started to run out, I heard a gentle knock on my door.

"Go. Away," I said through my sniffles.

"Astra?" HR's worried face poked in.

Part of me was instantly crushed when it wasn't Kylo on the other side of the door. The other part resolved to see him as the villain he was.

I sat up, trying to get my body to go to him for comfort, but instead, I just started to cry again.

He rushed over, quickly removing his armor and holding me in his arms. My tears turned into hyperventilating as I let myself melt into his comfort. When I had soaked his shirt with tears I didn't know I had left, my mind started to piece things together.

"Why... here," I managed to get out between hitched breaths.

I felt him tense around me, and I pulled away, blinking at him through swollen eyes.

"Kylo," he whispered.

"What?!" I shouted, finding a second wind, the faucet in the bathroom detaching from the sink.

HR jumped, releasing me, and rushing to shut the water off under the sink.

I took a moment to try and calm myself, struggling to use HR's kindness as an anchor.

"What do you mean 'Kylo'?" I asked through gritted teeth.

I watched as HR wiped the water from himself, sighing and coming back to sit with me.

"After you left, he came to find me. I thought he was going to kill me because I knew that he kissed you," he attempted a laugh, but I just stared blankly at him. "Anyway, he pulled me off by myself and pleaded with me to make sure you were alright. I didn't ask why, but he did want me to tell you that it's not what you think. He wants what you want. Whatever that means to you."

I took in the words HR passed along, my glare practically burning a hole through the spot in the bed I looked at. I wasn't ready to hear what Kylo had to say. I didn't care. I didn't believe him. And there was no way he could possibly want to give up all of his power for me. We barely knew each other.

"Is that all he said?" I managed to squeak out.

"No. He also said that if you would rather not move forward with your training, he respects that. And if you just want to go back to training with Captain Phasma, you can."

I groaned, throwing myself dramatically back onto the bed.

"He's so infuriating!" I shouted, glad that my tears had finally subsided.

HR sat quietly next to me while I rubbed my eyes. I rolled off the bed without a word, heading to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face. When I got to the sink, I looked up at the faucet that was now lodged in the ceiling and sighed. Behind the water drops that were dried into the mirror, I saw a mess of a human. Turning away from myself, I ran the bath faucet and wiped away my dried tears.

Dabbing my face with a towel, I made my way back to HR and slumped into the bed.

"I'm not sure what happened today, but I want to help however you need."

"Will you walk outside with me? I need some fresh air."

"Of course. Whatever you need. Let me just put my armor back--"

"No. Leave it off. I want to walk with you, not a stormtrooper," I interrupted.

"Astra, I could get in trouble," he frowned.

"I won't let anyone do anything to you," I said forcefully.

He set down the piece of armor he was holding with a shaky hand.

"Ok, " he nodded. "I trust you."

Oh, Astra. I wish there was more I could do to ease your pain. I wish I could show you how distraught Kylo was.

I flinched away from HR's thoughts. I didn't care how distraught Kylo was. He was probably just manipulating HR to get to me. The dresser started to shake as my anger increased, and I rushed to calm myself before I destroyed it.

"You're kind of scary when you're upset, " HR laughed.

I jerked back in surprise.

"Are you afraid of me?" I whispered.

He shook his head.

"Absolutely not. Your anger does seem to be focused on the water supply, though. Maybe I could get you some fruit to blow up. Like a watermelon. Messy, but less destructive."

I stared at him incredulously. How was he so nonchalant about all of this? Even him knowing that I was once the enemy. He didn't care about any of it. He was truly a good person simply following orders. I needed to get him away from here. Somewhere without war where he could be happy and free.

"A watermelon sounds nice," I said, smiling softly.

He beamed proudly at me, offering his elbow. I linked my arm through, letting my head fall onto his shoulder. He tensed when we first exited my room, glancing fearfully around. When no one seemed to pay us any mind, he relaxed a bit, but not fully. As we reached the doors to go outside, he finally let go of the last of his tension.

The air was crisp, sending a shiver through me for a moment. When the sun touched my skin, my temperature balanced out. My mind hung onto the idea of balance as we wandered a bit, trying to find somewhere private to sit.

Eventually, we found some stairs leading up to the roof. I sighed, able to let go of my own anxieties up there.

"Do you want to talk about it?" HR asked quietly.

I groaned. I wanted to say no. I wanted to internalize all of it, but I knew that would send me spinning. Well, more than I already was. Turning to look at him, the worry shrouding his blue eyes, I resolved to trust him completely.

"When I use the Force, I have a hard time being able focus enough to control it... Unless... I think about him. His touch. His voice. His lips. It's frustrating, and I wish I knew of another way. Anyway, I tried to test my limits before training since I had such a powerful memory to pull from now. So, I showed up early and pushed out to just feel."

I stopped, staring off into the distance. I didn't want to feel her again. Not through him, but I knew I wanted to tell HR, and that meant facing the memory.

"I immediately felt Kylo. I could feel the Force in him. And then through that, I felt Rey. I felt their connection. He wants so badly to get her to join him," I paused, dreading the next part. "Because he doesn't want to kill her. I honestly don't know if it's because he actually does love her, or because he knows she can help restore the balance of the Force. Or maybe he just wants the power she can provide him. They would be nearly unstoppable together. A powerful force to be reckoned with. It's like they were made to be together, and here I am, some amnesiac who can't remember shit. My mind constantly betrays me. My dreams only confuse me more. And now I have to be jealous of someone who was probably my friend. I just... I can't remember enough about her still. I don't know where she stands in this. I don't think she wants to have anything to do with this, but how can I be sure? And if Snoke was able to link them through the Force, how do I know if Kylo hasn't done the same for me and him? I just... I feel like a schmuck."

I sighed loudly, resting back onto my hands.

"Did you want my two cents?"

I nodded slowly.

"First of all, the majority of us don't have the luxury of knowing what others are thinking. So, stop beating yourself up for not remembering something you probably never knew to begin with. Second, stop thinking that you need someone else to prove your strength. You have the ability to control this on your own. Just because Kylo makes it easier for you to find balance does not mean you can't survive without him. Now, don't let that deter you from following your gut. If you feel that strongly for him, trust that. The universe seems to be supporting your journey, so maybe stop fighting it so much. Besides, from what I can tell, he truly does care for you. I mean, I never really interacted with him before, but his mannerisms have changed. He hasn't been so quick to, uh, react. Even his outbursts about you have been less destructive."

I winced. How much had everyone else noticed the change? Did HR only recognize it because he was more intimately involved? I didn't want to be stuck with a label of just some girl with the Force who couldn't remember her past and now belonged to Kylo. HR was right. I needed to find my own two feet. I needed to find my own strength.

"HR, I--"

I jumped up as the hangar opened below us. The Finalizer slowly exited, pausing for a moment just outside.

"Kylo?" I whispered, seeing his masked form in the window.

I'm going to fix this.

His voice filled my head.

A moment later, the ship was gone. I stood there, my heart beating out of my chest.