"Midge, I booked you on Gordon Ford tomorrow to plug the tour," Susie informed her as soon as she walked through her office door, not bothering to glance up from her desk as she searched for a pen. "Not standup, just a dumb interview puff piece, you know how it is."
"I guess I'll be making an announcement then," Midge said as she stood in front of her manager's desk.
"Yeah, I already told you," Susie said as she continued to look down, distracted as she jotted something down on a piece of paper, "about the tour."
"Not about the tour."
Susie looked up, opening her mouth to protest before Midge cut her off.
"Well yes, about the tour, but…" Midge waved a hand over her slightly rotund midsection. "See anything that might have people wondering?"
Realization hit Susie's face. "Oh shit, the baby."
"Yes, the baby," Midge reiterated with a nod as she sat.
One of the luxuries of Midge's success was having to do fewer shows, her last performances having been part of a three week long tour at the start of the year. Aside from that, the networks had been airing late night re-runs all summer, so she had yet to make any sort of public appearance since she'd been pregnant.
"You have to tell 'em?" Susie asked.
"I think it'd be pretty weird not to," Midge replied with a raise of her eyebrows and a tilt forward of her head. "Especially since if any of them actually buy tour tickets, they should be aware I will by October be starting to look even more like I swallowed a watermelon."
"Yeah," Susie agreed reluctantly, "so I guess you'll make the announcement."
"I guess I will," Midge accepted, already wondering how she was going to break the news.
Later at the dinner table, the kids happily occupied in front of the television, she told Lenny about her Gordon Ford plans.
"I never really thought about it before," she said with a frown, "but I'm going to have to make some sort of…pregnancy announcement."
Lenny nodded in agreement as he continued to chew. Glancing down at his plate for another forkful of mashed potatoes, he was surprised to see Midge still lost in thought when he looked up again, her gaze unfocused as she bit her lip and contemplated her chat show appearance.
"You want me to stand outside your playdate?" he offered with a smirk, doing his best to lighten the mood.
"Very funny," Midge replied with a gentle eye-roll. "You know, you should look into comedy, I hear you can make a career out of it now."
"Nah, that life is far too unpredictable for a blue collar, hardworking Average Joe like me. And have you heard some of the filth that comes outta those guys' mouths?"
Midge chuckled, but Lenny could tell she was still uneasy, the warmth of her smile not quite reaching her eyes.
"But seriously," he added, placing his fork down and fixing Midge's gaze with complete sincerity, "I can come with you, if you want me there."
"Really?"
"Really."
Midge let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you. I don't know why the idea of announcing…this"–she gestured vaguely at her abdomen–"makes me so nervous."
"Because it's important and once it's out there, it's out there," Lenny offered. "So if anything"–he swallowed–"happened, it would make it even harder."
Midge, in turn, swallowed thickly and nodded. "Yeah." She reached for his hand across the table. "Thank you," she repeated again as she squeezed his hand. "I probably don't say it enough, but I love you."
"I love you, too," Lenny repeated as he squeezed her hand in return.
"You're on in 30 seconds," a production assistant informed Midge.
"You're gonna do great," Lenny encouraged his wife as they stood with Susie backstage at the Gordon Ford Show.
Midge took a deep breath and nodded, nervously fussing with her hair before turning to Susie.
"Tits up," Susie told her.
"Tits up," Midge replied with a smile.
"My next guest is a talented comedienne who you might remember from her numerous appearances doing standup on this show," Gordon began, "but tonight, she's here to talk to me. Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Maisel!"
A tap on the shoulder told Midge it was time to go out, so through the curtain she went. The crowd cheered as she appeared, smiling and waving. The dress she had chosen wasn't fitted, but the way it flared out under the bust only made her look more pregnant, which in this instance, was exactly what she wanted - to get the message out there, no guesswork required.
After shaking hands with Gordon, she sat in the chair to the left of his desk.
"Mrs. Maisel, it's so nice to have you here," Gordon began with a smile that Midge was sure looked real on TV, but came off far phonier in person. "It's been a while since we had you on."
"Far too long, Gordon."
"Now, to address the elephant in the room…"
"Have I gotten that big?" Midge said, feigning upset as she looked down and smoothed her dress over her bump while the crowd laughed.
"No, no, but I believe there's a little something you would like to announce."
"Well Gordon, it turns out that this"—she patted her stomach—"is more than just me having one too many black and whites. In a few months, a baby is going to come out of there."
Claps and a few cheers of congratulations came from the crowd.
"Thank you so much," Midge said with a gracious nod of her head. "It's always nice to be congratulated on having sex; I know my husband will definitely appreciate the encouragement." Although she could neither hear nor see it, she could perfectly picture Lenny's laugh in response.
"But you're not here to talk about the baby," Gordon said. "Congratulations, by the way."
"Thank you."
"You've got a tour coming up."
"That's right, from October 2nd I will be dotted around the country for a month. So"—she raised her arm in a brief Rosie the Riveter flex of strength—"if watching a pregnant woman spout obscenities is your thing, please do check your local venues."
Gordon smiled. "That's quite an unusual move, touring while pregnant…"
Midge shrugged nonchalantly. "I've had two babies already, so I have a good idea of how it's going to go. I will not, contrary to popular male opinion, be so delicate that I can't stand up there and tell…" She feigned thought for a second. "What did that one reporter call them? Oh yes, 'Off-color jokes so unbecoming of such a well presented woman'."
"Well, that sure told me!" Gordon joked, earning a few cheers from the female members of the crowd.
"You know, it really is surprising just how many men have an opinion about you and your body when you're a woman, right ladies?" Midge asked, looking towards the audience, the female members of which largely applauded in response. "So I guess, in a way, I'm just doing a little something that might show some men how incredible and strong women are, that we can do whatever the fu-" Midge stopped herself when Gordon held his hand up. "Right, television, I got you." She coughed and regrouped. "I just want men to see how freaking amazing women are, what they can do even as they're growing another life inside them."
The crowd clapped and whooped in response.
Gordon smiled genially. "We have to go to a commercial break, but you're going to stick around for our next segment, aren't you?"
"Wouldn't miss it!" Midge assured him peppily.
Gordon turned to look down the barrel of the camera. "As you might have heard," he smirked with a slight tilt of his head to Midge, "from October 2nd, you can catch Mrs. Maisel around the country," he informed. "We'll be right back!" he added as the camera panned out.
"I'm telling you," Lenny said as Midge opened the door to their apartment, "he has a thing for you."
"He does not," Midge said, shaking her head.
"He does," Lenny insisted as he closed the front door behind him. "I saw the look on his face when he saw me there earlier. He doesn't even care that you're married and pregnant."
"Well, luckily you for," Midge replied, turning to him, "I do."
"I for one, am very happy to hear you feel that way, Mrs. Bruce," Lenny said with a smile as he leaned in to kiss her.
"And Gordon Ford? Eww." She screwed up her face for a second before becoming more contemplative. "If I were going to cheat, I'd at least try for Johnny Carson."
"That's it," Lenny said, shaking his head in mock indignation, "if he asks me on again, I'm gonna turn him down and then I will then proceed to tell him exactly why it's not happening."
"Oh yeah?"
"Mm-hmm," he agreed, pressing a kiss to Midge's lips. "I'll tell him that my funny"—he kissed her nose—"talented"—he kissed her cheek—"intelligent"—his mouth moved to her jaw—"beautiful wife has a thing for him," he said, his lips now close to her ear, "and that my ego simply can't take it."
"Well, just between you and me," Midge whispered, cupping his face so he looked at her. "I happen to think my husband is far more handsome than Johnny Carson."
"Oh really?"
"Mm-hmm," Midge hummed, taking a second to think. "He's smart and funny, too. Johnny doesn't stand a chance."
"I am very pleased to hear that," Lenny grinned, his eyes crinkling. "I am also very glad," he continued, "that the kids are with your parents tonight, which means we have the whole apartment to ourselves."
"Me too," Midge agreed. "Oh, I forgot to add, my husband is also great in bed."
"You want a demonstration?"
"I think I could be persuaded," she said with a smile as Lenny's lips closed in on hers.
With the children normally around, it had been sometime since they had had the opportunity to lead into sex anywhere other than the bedroom, and the moan Midge let out as Lenny pressed her against the wall, his breath hot on her neck, felt long suppressed.
"Bedroom," she encouraged as she guided him in that direction, slipping the suit jacket from his shoulders to the floor.
"Mm-hmm," Lenny mumbled in agreement as they stumbled their way through the bedroom door.
"Mm-hmm," Midge hummed lazily as he kissed her, both of them naked and spent. "That was nice."
"That was very nice," Lenny agreed with a smile before he kissed her deeply, burying his head in her neck and placing a gentle kiss there too as he inhaled her scent.
Wanting nothing more than to curl up beside him and continue those lingering kisses and bask in the lazy afterglow, Midge let out a groan of discontent when she realized she would be forced to move.
"This baby is right on my bladder…" she said with a sigh. "Which are maybe the unsexiest words anyone has ever said, but I'll be right back."
Sliding out of bed after Lenny reluctantly released her from his grasp, she picked his discarded shirt off the floor and slipped it on.
"You know, I happen to think you being pregnant is very sexy," Lenny called after her into the bathroom.
"Oh yeah, just you wait until I'm so big and my feet are so swollen that I can't even put my own damn shoes on without help. And flats! I'll be wearing flats all the time!"
"Well, I think you look very cute in flats, and I give a pretty good foot massage." There was no witty comeback, just silence. "Midge?" he asked, sitting up and moving to the bathroom.
Midge was standing by the sink, the color drained from her face, a piece of bloodied toilet paper in her hand. "There's some…bleeding."
"OK," Lenny said, taking a deep breath as he walked to her and put both hands on her shoulders. "We're gonna go to the ER, that's what we're gonna do, OK?"
He reached for her hand and Midge grabbed it tightly, nodding in agreement, even if her face still said she was terrified. Walking them back into the bedroom, Lenny grabbed her discarded underwear and dress from the floor and handed them to her.
"You just put these on and then we're gonna go, OK?"
Midge nodded dumbly in reply.
"OK," Lenny repeated in answer to his own question. Swallowing as best he could, his mouth suddenly incredibly dry, he tried hard to project a veneer of calm, even as his heart thumped loudly in his ears.