Hermione continued her steps towards the main oak door of Hogwarts. And when she reached it, she halted her steps and circumnavigated to another direction… one towards the lake…
Year 1999 | 2nd Seventh of May
Chapter 4
Later the same evening | The Commemoration
"Shouldn't the brilliant double master heroine commemorate inside?"
"Shouldn't the venerated Headmistress heroine commemorate inside?"
Hermione thought she was very quiet, but she should have known that Minerva McGonagall would surely detect her presence even without turning. She took more steps forward but because the woman had not moved, she didn't dare go too close.
"I was…" Hermione mentally weighted if she should tell the Headmistress that she was leaving... Or tell Minerva that she was leaving…
"I was going to say that I was just taking a respite. But truthfully, I was about to leave. I ran into Peeves who thought I was censoring his entry. He swore that you've allowed him and somehow blurted that you're… that you're here… And I thought… why not a proper hello… before I go home."
Minerva still had her back to her and Hermione could not help the thought of how unwelcomed her intrusion here. She silently questioned her reasons for letting her steps directed here instead of out of Hogwarts. 'Just because you found out that Minerva had maneuvered your Masters obtainability, you think everything had changed?' She disgustingly chastised herself because apparently, at the end of the day, she's a fool as ever for still not knowing how to let go of loving this woman. 'Alright, time to call it a night', she grudgingly resolved to oneself.
"So… Hi Minerva… And… And good night…"
Hermione was half-turning to go when Minerva finally faced her. With Countenance still guarded and with heavy observing emerald eyes, the woman met her brown eyes.
"You're leaving."
Hermione can't quite decide if Minerva was asking or simply just repeated the state of her actions. She nodded nonetheless.
"The celebration is great. Hogwarts is great. The dinner was more than satisfactory. And it was good to see people enjoying themselves. And when I left they had started to dance. And Harry said your whisky was impeccable. And the Headmistress was in her usual marvelous self with her welcome remarks and how every witch and wizard wanted to talk to her. And I am rambling… And yes, I thought it was time to head home."
Hermione sighed. Bollocks. She's rambling… And when the older witch did not immediately responded, she was about to repeat her farewell. Then she heard Minerva, not the headmistress, but the woman she met on a night like this last year…
"I was also going to say that I was just taking a respite. But truthfully I was done with the 'commemoration'. The great hall when packed of hundreds and hundreds of witches and wizards, can be quite overwhelming… on a night such as this…"
"Even to its Headmistress?"
"Particularly to its Headmistress."
The honesty from the woman pushed Hermione to some honesty of her own about how she felt about tonight's commemoration.
"The left and right congratulations on my double masteries were too much for me. I feared that those who would next comment for the nth time how brilliant I am for finishing them so fast and so young might find themselves transfigured into a coat rack and charmed into dancing ones and I am not even joking..."
At seeing Minerva's slightly raised one brow, she amended.
"I know they mean well. Katie said I inspired her to consider Transfiguration Mastery. And that's great. But glorification on academic achievement should not eat more attention from what tonight's commemoration was all about. I get it, it helped boost whatever illustration of moving on and progress, especially that the Minister had put his obvious endorsement on it… on me… But I just wanted to be out of the damn news for tonight because tonight should be about far many other matters than just my exam results and—"
Hermione stopped herself. She realised how she was rambling AGAIN! And really whining! What the bloody hell was she doing…? Few minutes talking with Minerva and she was reduced into a blabbering dramatic idiot. What golden brain, more like toasted brain? She wanted to hex herself.
"Indeed, Ms. Bell has talent in Transfiguration."
How can she not love Minerva even more? Hermione understood that Minerva accepted her distress, excused her apparent rambling, and helped her out of embarrassment.
"I know. Katie was so proud when she got 'O' from you. Her friends teased her mercilessly that she sounded as if she won the Quidditch cup."
"I did tell her during career counseling how it could be an avenue for her. But I can see how coming from an old professor was not as encouraging compared to the inspiration brought by a— by a— bright young witch."
Hermione knew… she just knew that at the last second, Minerva replaced the word 'beautiful' with 'bright' and she cannot contain her Cheshire grin and tremendously improved her frame of mind.
"Maybe it proved to be too daunting for Katie. Because such remarks from the Transfiguration Master who holds all records in that field maybe be inspiring but more likely intimidating…"
"Perhaps in just short time, the titleholder of such and the operative inspiration for Ms. Bell would be one and the same."
"Never." Hermione smilingly objected.
Then they fell into a silence. Hermione was not sure if Minerva was having the same reminiscence of very similar tone of their discussion that she was having… Of the time when Minerva told her how sometimes her brilliance could frighten her and she responded with the same one word of 'never'. All the while wrapped in each other's arms…
"I was twelve when Albus said how I would beat all his records in Transfiguration. Decades later after you and Harry and Ronald just protected Nicolas' stone, Albus told me that perhaps someone had arrived that will eventually beat my records. By your third year, he made bets with past Hogwarts Heads that it would be you. Him, Brutus and Armando and even Severus were at it again just this morning; I had to ask them to take their discussion elsewhere as I couldn't do any work with their loud voices."
"But I didn't." Hermione honestly protested.
"You have… In principle you have started doing so; for finishing Transfiguration and Charms together and at short period."
"I'll tell Dumbledore he can't cash-in because technically I have not. He's cheating fellow Hogwarts Heads. I can't believe that even after this life, he's still manipulating things and I— "
Minerva's rich chuckles had stopped Hermione in mid-sentence as silver of pleasure ran through her spine. She forgot the rest of what she was about to say and even forgot to breathe with what she heard next from Minerva…"
"I can count in one hand the number of people who will say such about Albus. That's why you're in the House of the Brave darling, despite—"
Darling.
The naturally uttered endearment finally caught Minerva's awareness and she too stopped, cleared her throat and somehow finished her sentence.
"…Despite your supreme intelligence you're still not in Ravenclaw. You really belong to Gryffindor."
"There's no where else I rather belong."
Hermione also cleared her throat before she had responded. Her heart knew that she meant not the house of Hogwarts. She wondered if the other woman knows that what she meant was to belong to her… freely beside her… to love her… and be loved back…
A year ago, heart disintegrated into thousand of pieces, she had forced herself to breathe, to move somehow, and to move somewhere. It led her to accomplishments as she has the skills and the intelligence, and putting triple amount of work just guaranteed them. But they all seemed so insufficient.
She even has the public adulation these days and that seemed to matter less. Whereas she took a big step away from friends and acquaintances, the general public had enough updates on her by being on the news, about her NEWTS, her work, and her masteries. The Daily Prophet even phrased it as 'Hogwarts' Golden Brain Blasted Anyone's Doubts of her Brilliance.'
And Harry was very much spot on when he said this morning that something happened to her last year. She knew that he had guessed that it was more than the war aftermath. While he doesn't hold all the pieces, he called it exactly what it was. That she had set herself into mad quest of work after work that likely to have killed her if Harry was not around to pull her back. And the most insane of all is that she did ALL of them in an effort to silence the longing of her heart.
Oh she tried to tell herself how heartless Minerva had been when she rejected her. How countless times she put in repeated loop of Minerva's image and voice with her rejection when she spat— 'I fucked you and it was a mistake.' But with all her supposed brilliance, she could not stop hoping that Minerva would appear at her door to love her…
Of course the woman never knocked at her door. And maybe every night she was beginning to hope the woman would never do in order to manage her heart. And besides, dead tired from work, or the fact that she would only quit studying and work hours past midnight helped make her time in bed shorter… Shorter time to replay that night when Minerva snuggled under her chin…
Hermione roused from her rumination when Minerva moved farther from her and towards the white stone where they had buried the body of Albus Dumbledore. The marker seemed to have the effective way of reminding Hermione of one unadulterated truth she had awaken to that dinner of which Harry was referring to as the incident when 'it descended' on her. Truth and reality of who is Minerva McGonagall… The Headmistress. The three time Heroine. Undoubtedly a focal point in the Wizarding world, more so now than ever.
She weighed her options and calculated how much more she could spare her heart for tonight. Of the emotional upheaval she seemed to have taken on since Harry's arrival this morning. But as she looked at the reflective face of Minerva, she knew that the woman needed someone right now, someone just to be there for her. Even if the damn woman herself did not know that, or would not have it.
"Are you okay?" She boldly asked Minerva.
"Yes…" Minerva exhaled in an answer in an almost sure way that told someone how she was not as collected.
Hermione could only think of how Minerva must be so used to riding on the train of self-sufficiency… And how tiring that must be. She partly rode that train for the last year and her backbone almost broke if not for Harry and Ron. But this woman was probably on that track since she was 14 years old. And the last years must be equivalent of multiple decades, especially when Dumbledore died.
"You were thinking about Dumbledore…?" It was not really a question.
"Aye… And Severus. And Amelia. And other friends and students… But particularly Albus…"
"And he's more here than the Head office?" Hermione softly inquired, partly to get Minerva talking and partly she had guessed that there must be significance.
"This was Albus' favorite part of Hogwarts. And for the love of Merlin, I never figured why."
"Maybe there was no reason…"
"He trained me here. About two months after my wounds from Gellert's battle were completely healed, he forced me to resume our advance lessons. I detested it when I didn't even want to study at all. My grades were fine and no other professors would say I was faltering, but it was not that..."
"You felt it was pointless."
Minerva nodded, "More so, I detested training here. The calming water of the lake was just proving to be a distraction. Albus just laughed and repeatedly pointed to me that there is no such thing as distraction to a great witch or wizard."
"He wanted to draw you out. And maybe he also wanted the calming distractions for himself."
"I thought so."
"And somehow you knew that it'd have been pretentious for you to train in the safe heaven of a classroom after that bloodshed you went through. Clearly Dumbledore knew that."
Hermione tried to gauge Minerva's impeccable control battling with the obvious emotional recollection. She wanted to smack the woman for always, always trying to be the stone she had presented herself to the world. And at the same time Hermione wanted to kiss her face, kiss the struggle away.
"Before going to the platform after my graduation, Albus asked me to meet here and I thought he was sort of going to give me one last training. But I was left speechless when in that final meeting, he apologised to me."
"He apologised for the Grindelwald war? For bringing you into it?"
"Yes and no. He apologised for not getting to me before I needed to do my first kill. It was the only time I ever heard him truly apologised for anything… In more than fifty years of knowing him…"
Hermione watched Minerva's emerald eyes swam through memories, seemingly helpless not to be swept under. When it finally settled into a somber one, and emerald eyes disappeared briefly to possibly keep tears away, she braved the short distance, stood beside the woman, and slipped one hand with pale elegant one.
Minerva turned slightly towards her and stared at their joined hands. When she lifted her emerald eyes on Hermione's brown eyes, she seemed to have accepted the offered support and laced their fingers tighter.
"When I returned to teach, we spent as many hours here, as many times as he bothered me in my office. Arguing and agreeing on countless matters…"
Hermione silently watched Minerva lifted her eyes to the sky before she heard her account, "The sky appears so much similar of that night after we dropped Harry at Privet Drive. It's the wrong month I know, but the air smells the same. Or maybe I am just imagining it… But I would never forget how we argued here until very late."
"You objected that Harry be left with his relatives?"
"I watched his relatives the entire day and I knew he would not be really cared for. At 14, I was family-less in principle and despite being cared very well by the Manor elves, most nights I would question what did I do to deserve such loneliness. So I cannae help the thought of what chance Harry has in that house?"
"You tried. And even if Dumbledore had reasons, it was still his burden not yours for how Harry was raised."
"I tried the notion of sending Harry to the Manor but he would also be as lonely there as I am here at Hogwarts, and he was an infant not 14 years old. So I really didn't have any feasible or legal alternative to offer. And Albus was way above me in rank and everything else. I can recall in verbatim how he closed that discussion—
'We both know that I am right and I am wrong Minerva. Now do I have your word that you're with me for my rights today AND especially for my wrongs tomorrow…? And more importantly that you will be there to amend them when I can't see those in between…?'
"—I can even remember how afterwards he shoved his pack of lemon drops in my hands. Telling me to have some… Dismissed the discussion and dismissed me..."
Hermione thought of what would have happened had Harry lived with Minerva… The supposition would definitely lead to countless of suppositions. And how many times had Minerva revisited that path during the last war. And somehow it explained why his best friend had taken on Minerva as his family this last year; they struck an understanding...
"Bloody Albus… Sometimes I hate him with every fiber of my being. And sometimes I feel I would not know what to do without him… I've never known this castle without him. He was my boss, my mentor, my best friend, my substitute father and brother. After Gellert's battle, and I did not want to do anything with anyone, I only talked to Albus for almost that entire school term… until Amelia took pity on me and dragged me back into the land of normalcy? And I bet Albus somehow manipulated her into doing so."
Minerva chuckled but Hermione also heard the deep melancholy in it. "What would he tell you if he's here now?" She asked Minerva.
"To enjoy the night. And have some lemon drops." Minerva let out a smile. "Actually, he did tell me. Or rather his portrait did. And sent an elf to give me this."
"He sent you lemon drops." Hermione said after Minerva showed her a small packet from one of her robe pockets.
"Would you like to have some?"
"Thank you but no. I never really like its taste."
"Me neither. And Albus knows that."
Minerva let out a short laugh as she put the pack away. Hermione could not help but tighten their laced fingers together upon hearing them and somewhat pulled Minerva closer to her. When the laughter died from thin lips, Hermione could see the effort to concentrate on Minerva's face before she heard the woman finally tore open the door they had shoved away.
"Hermione… that night at the Manor…"
She watched Minerva paused and moved her gaze past her shoulder in obvious deep thoughts. After a moment, the woman took a deep breath and watched emerald eyes shut for just a second. But Minerva shook her head, dislodged their hands and wrapped them around herself, moving away from her…
Hermione internally debated… Is she ready to hear whatever Minerva was about to tell her? Probably never... Anyway, she heard the rejection before and even if Minerva would explain the harshness in it, it will not change the fact that that was indeed a rejection… And she could feel in her bones how it was not going to be retracted. She plainly understood that while 12 months have passed, things that played crucial between them are still there…
Again, the woman is the Headmistress… The woman is the three-time Heroine… And the woman is still anchoring their world… Undoubtedly unavailable to anyone… And they are both women…! Women who are always making the news... She knew these things. Facts her golden brain had paraded in and out of her mind the entire year to equally plagued and pacify her heart for what she cannot really have.
But when she was walking earlier to leave after she talked to Peeves, an old thought dominated inside her mind— 'Any capacity the woman extends to her'… And it thoroughly tempted her and her steps had circumnavigated her to here and now….
"It doesn't matter Minerva." Hermione moved towards the woman and held such green eyes as she repeated, "It doesn't matter."
Hermione was only met with silence in response, but she felt that it was the kind of silence that only confirmed the complicated things that she already knew between them. Hermione moved closer to Minerva and once again took hold of one pale hands and did not let go when initially there was resistance.
"Minerva, do you want to get out of here?"
"I… can't."
"That is not an answer to my question. I asked if you want to."
"I can't neglect my duties while…"
"I am quite sure that the Headmistress had advised the Deputy in advanced that she's likely to bolt the commemoration; hence he takes over when she suddenly went missing. That's hardly negligence…"
"Where are… where are we going?" Minerva tentatively asked and it secured Hermione to seize this woman for tonight.
"Somewhere other than here."
"I don't think—"
"Lets go Minerva."
"I can't just take us—"
"I will take us somewhere. Just apparate us out of Hogwarts or we walk towards the gate and I'm not letting your hand go."
Hermione knew she was cheating but she had resolved to any capacity that she could to take hold of the woman tonight.
"Hermione we shouldn't just—"
"Apparate us NOW Minerva."
Hermione took hold of Minerva's other hand and a second later, a soft crack sounded in the silence of the lake… Then another from outside the Hogwarts gates…
End of Chapter 4 | Year 1999 | The Commemoration
A/N:
Again, these are all JK Rowling's and I'm just borrowing and spinning them to my liking.
Thank you for STILL reading! :)