One hard truth— Minerva McGonagall still said NO… explicitly with written words of— Can't afford more… Minerva can't afford to be with her… can't afford to love her back.
And one last truth— tonight, Hermione would go to bed still loving Minerva, more than ever…
This is set the following year.
Year 2000 | 3rd Seventh of May
Chapter 1
Midday | Gryffindor House Head and Ginger newts
Hermione does not know why, and she does not know how, but her head turned towards the primary entryway few heartbeats before Minerva McGonagall walked in.
The woman has unhurried and confident steps, and as graceful as ever as she started to command the attention of the ballroom without effort, just mere seconds after her appearance.
Hermione and about three hundred wizards and witches are into the second hour of their luncheon at the Ministry ballroom. They are gathered to commemorate the 'new beginning' of their society; originated and declared five days and two years ago when Harry defeated Voldemort.
While May 2 remained as an important poignant date for many families, especially with loved ones lost during the final battle, it seems that Seventh of May had become their junction between war and after war.
Earlier, when the Minister opened the luncheon, he mentioned that the Headmistress fire-called him about how she would have to miss his words of wisdom in his welcome remarks due to unforeseen matters at Hogwarts that requires her presence. The audience laughed at the Minister's quip, and the laughter grew when he swore that they were truly the Headmistress' words and how it was the venerated witch who told him to just say what she just said to engage the guest for his opening remarks.
Hence the arrival of Minerva McGonagall, at the Ministry ballroom, for the second anniversary of the 'new beginning', about 100 minutes or so after Kingsley made his engaging speech…
"Oh brilliant, she's here." Harry said in unmistakable fondness as he stood from his seat. "I'll check if she had lunch and if everything's okay at Hogwarts."
He started to walk away from them but turned back and grinningly added, "And save her from going to Azkaban for hexing intolerables—I really like having her around, you know, I like the perks of being close to THE Headmistress."
At this point, Hermione knew that everyone at their current table, actually most likely by everyone at the luncheon had noted the arrival of the venerated witch. The Minister and other governors are moving to receive the woman with such regard, while other wizards and witches that Minerva had passed by had given their greetings with torn fervor and apprehension.
Her bloody walls... Hermione internally sighed and withdrew her gaze from the spectacle.
Then an actual sigh came out from the person nearest her. "Sometimes, Harry can't decide if he wants to play Minerva McGonagall's older brother or baby brother." Ginny's quiet words reached her as the red-haired woman transferred to Harry's vacated seat beside her.
"Your dear husband has severe affliction of Gryffindor's magnanimousness." Hermione responded and she elected to lace it with frank admiration.
"I know." said Ginny proudly.
"And he will never be cured of it. It does not matter that he is protective of—" Hermione gestured towards Minerva McGonagall without looking back and finished, "—who absolutely needs no protection."
"Yea, the Headmistress does the protecting." replied Ginny with a chuckle but quickly added, "But he said— all the more that the woman needs protection— from herself, because she has the tendency to get lost in her duties and responsibilities to others. To the point of neglecting herself."
Hermione just gave a nod in acknowledgment and thought of what Ginny had said that actually came from Harry. Truthfully, it was something she had known too about Minerva. And something she constantly worried about, like if the woman is eating, or sleeping or simply taking a respite from working… But she kept her mouth shut, afraid she'd rant on how she'll be most happy to take care of Minerva— if only things are not as complicated.
"Harry said, she's kinda like you."
Hermione laughed, and shook her head ardently and said, "Oh no Gin, Harry is over stating. No one is like the Headmistress. No one is even close."
"But you are definitely on your way up to hers. You're the top Charms Master and youngest Department Head ever; for sure in time you'll be in the same league as the Headmistress. And you've always been—"
"Believe me Gin, the Headmistress is in a category only of her own."
"But I'm not the only one saying that Hermione. I'm sure you didn't bother reading the Daily Prophet's feature about you when you officially became your department's head last January. It did mention that the last notable career burst was that of the Headmistress' when she was promoted as Deputy of the prominent MLE Department just few years after she began working at the Ministry."
Naturally, Hermione skipped all written features about her. But it did not make her less informed, courtesy of Harry and Ron's updates. And if she will be honest with herself, every time they tell her of what was written about her or the talks going around about her, it automatically led her into thoughts like, 'Does Minerva know? What does she think about it?' But Hermione never verbalized them and would just pick up details and link things that Harry would tell her in relation with the woman.
"Only that the Headmistress chose Hogwarts shortly after the promotion." She returned her attention to Ginny who are still talking about Minerva McGonagall. "People thought that it was because of Dumbledore. Mom said that if it was, it didn't matter. And then she did it again, I meant, she chose Hogwarts over the Ministry just after this last war."
"I remember the single sheet publication of the Daily Prophet right after the war that brought the news of their appointments. Mr. Shacklebolt commented that he only got the job because Headmistress McGonagall did not want it, and chose Hogwarts. I thought he was baseless on that. And I was even surprised that others agreed at his statement."
"Dad said, that if Hogwarts was not in such shambles that time, maybe she would've given thought into taking the interim Ministry headship… But mom disagreed; she said that Minerva McGonagall would always choose Hogwarts. And she did. I guess she does love the school more than working at the Ministry."
"Apparently." Hermione remarked.
"Do you know that I used to complain to mom about her as our House Head?"
That was a surprise for Hermione. And her face must have shown it as Ginny casually waved a hand to dissipate any impression of seriousness.
"It's not like I hated her. But I used to hope that she'd be more— 'favouring' of her own house."
"Ahhh…" Hermione understood Ginny. Every Gryffindor knows that their own Head has completely no qualms deducting house points from their very own house. And that almost always the first to require utmost discipline from them even to the advantage of other houses over them…Much much to her fellow Gryffindors dismay...
"I didn't mean she'd be blatant partial to us. But even Professor Flitwick was more reassuring to his Ravenclaw and most of them are only concern with school marks and all."
"She did favor our house in her own way. Remember she helped bend the rules to get Harry into Gryffindor Quiddtich team? And even bought him the latest broom because despite having money at his disposal, there wasn't exactly anyone he could ask to buy it for him."
"Looking at them now," Ginny motioned towards her husband and the older witch, "it kinda explains how that happened. And how it was not totally because she favored Gryffindors. She favored Harry. Period."
Ginny might be right about that. Hermione remembered what Minerva imparted to her about her initial intention to take in Harry after Voldemort's first war... Yeah, the woman probably felt that time that it was her first chance to do something 'caring' for that 11-year-old boy.
"I'm just saying that that time, we'd never know that she cares about us with the way she ran our house with strictness. You know how frustratingly straight she is…"
At Ginny's mention of the woman as 'straight', Hermione caught her almost choke before her brain quickly triggered that the word was used in a different context before she gave away something else.
"…You know how she'd set us with higher standards than the rest. How seriously serious she was with seriousness." Ginny finished laughingly. "We are the house of the brave and our House Head was overly censoring our adventurous nature, really frustrating. Now it was understandable but that time completely irritating."
'Absolutely different context', Hermione thought. "I guess so." She acquiesced and also smiled at Ginny's word play.
"Then she even went totally unsupportive with our team when Harry got ban with the twins. I thought she would, you know not let our team into that excruciating state."
"I think she was glad to keep Harry off the field for any mishaps... Plus, it was somehow the beginning of the war at Hogwarts with Umbridge's arrival. It 'would' be her third and it was not hard for her to suppose the severity even at that early stage. She, along with Dumbledore knew right away. Unlike everybody who didn't really grasp it until, well, until the Ministry fell.
"Yea, I got that. I know it was stupid of me…" Ginny sheepishly said. "Every time I complained before, mom swore that the Professor is not all how we see her."
Yep. Hermione thought.
"And then I finally saw what mom meant. It was during the school year you three went on the run."
"Because she stayed at Hogwarts instead of going underground like others?" Hermione asked.
"Yea… I saw how she was doing everything she could under the circumstances to protect students and staff from the death eaters at school."
While it was true that being out on the run was very dangerous, Hermione had long gathered how staying at Hogwarts that time was equally life threatening. Especially to students and staff who did not pledge their loyalty to Voldemort. And how much more perilous it was for Minerva McGonagall, who everyone knew as Dumbledore's most loyal Deputy/friend…
At onset, Hermione correctly predicted how the woman would never leave Hogwarts even at her own peril. Harry told her what happened the night DA was found out by Umbridge and how Dumbledore manipulated the details and because of that was being arrested… and of how Minerva was already palming her wand to fight with Dumbledore. But Dumbledore vitally communicated, implored, and ordered Minerva of how it was a must that she stays at the school for the students and staff... no matter what.
"She was still all strict and even more if that was possible at the start of that school year. But about 5 or 6 weeks in, and physical punishment on students by Carrows had become regular; I woke one night with Parvati's sobbing as Professor McGonagall healed her hands tenderly. When Parvati fell asleep, I thought the Professor would leave but she just transformed into her animagus and settled on one corner to watch over us until eventually I also fell asleep."
Hermione could not help but turn to look at the amazing woman Ginny was talking about. Harry is currently bending at his waist as he speaks to the witch very closely. Then emerald eyes turned to her as if the older witch had known that she was looking at her. Hermione saw a soft small smile before the woman shifted back to Harry, and her best friend smilingly settled into a chair that the woman conjured beside her.
Hermione withdrew her look when Ginny's voice registered back into her consciousness, "…I told Neville about it the following morning and he whispered to me that the professor had been safeguarding back and forth between the boys and the girls' sleeping quarters at nighttime since our first night. And would even visits Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws dormitories to heal those who have been physically punished when Madame Poppy was purposely sent away by the Carrows…"
"Harry told me how she took your punishment when you were caught stealing the sword."
It was one of those stories that Harry narrated a couple of months ago when she and Ron accompanied him to fetch the commissioned painting of Severus Snape for his house. Hermione pretended not to be overly concern but it truly had her inside twisted and revolted for the pain that Minerva suffered. And then the conflicting reconciliation that Snape was on their side.
"Yea… She was all Gryffindor Hermione."
Ginny took a swift look once again at the general direction where Minerva and Harry are seated, and paused, seemingly replaying a memory in her mind then turned back to Hermione.
"I don't think I will forget how her voice sounded as she tried to get hold of the situation. It was strong, it was mocking, it was authoritative and simply brave. She was clearly reminding and reducing Snape and the Carrows on how they were just her students, and how she is the only true professor in the room… She defyingly told Snape that by Hogwarts thousands of years of existence, the House Head gets to hand out punishment for its students… And imperiously added that if he has a problem with the detention with Hagrid, the penalty she was giving us, then she dares Snape to punish her if he deemed it, because she will not follow the barbaric prescribed punishment."
"How was she—?" Hermione could not really finish her sentence as she realised that Harry did not elaborate on what kind of price Minerva had paid for her courage during that incident.
Ginny's voice had lost most of its volume as she stated sadly, "Professor Snape gave her a hit with his wand on her cheek, right there and then."
Hermione flinched.
"I cried Hermione at the injustice and at the total disrespect she undeservingly got. Of course we didn't know then that it was Professor Snape's best protection for her..."
Despite understanding the entire miserable conflicting situation, Hermione's insides once more revolted in pain for the woman.
"The Carrows were screaming at her face that she should be given to Voldemort as slave. They just stopped when Professor Snape menacingly said that she is his slave at the moment because every paper work was given to her unless the Carrows are volunteering to do them. And that he intends to give more punishment later on… And privately… I was so afraid she would... you know, get raped… as Snape heavily implied."
Hermione could just imagine the anger and the anxiety that Minerva felt at her circumstances during those long sufferable months. The limited or almost cut-out communication she had with the rest of the Order was probably making it complicated against the fact that Dumbledore left her to be incarcerated at Hogwarts for the staff and students… whom she cannot plainly defend and protect without the death eaters sending her to Azkaban.
"Our roles in the war…" Hermione let out a breath she didn't know she held.
"Yea… And Harry said, you are working on how we will never have another one in a thousand years."
"I wish Gin… But your husband is thoroughly over-estimating my capabilities."
Hermione thinks that everybody is over-estimating her so-called brilliant mind. But sometime last July when she was officially endorsed as the Department Deputy, she had learned how to deal with the presumption.
Following the days, weeks, and months after Minerva rejected her at the Manor, she simply submerged into gathering the tattered pieces of her heart and attached them somehow to function. For an entire year, she was busy playing avoidance game with Minerva. She was busy pushing for her parents' recovery and reunion. She was busy planning and actually achieving her first level masteries for Charms and Transfiguration. She was busy being so busy in order not to fall into desolation that she never fully paid attention to what the write-ups about her really comprise. But at one dinner last year, her two best friends truly opened her eyes on how the 'public' had elected to see her following the war…
After the court transcripts and other war narratives were publicized, plus her uncommonly taken NEWTs accomplishment and then two field masteries endeavor; there was no way that people would miss the fact that she was more than Harry Potter's best friend… that it was impossible not to acknowledge her brilliance, let alone dismiss it… When she made the top ranks in her masteries, people seemed to fortify their belief (publicly stamped by Kingsley) that she is a big part of their society's future.
At its full realization, she initially recoiled at the implications until she worked in her head how the public's expectation cannot be higher than those she had set within herself. That is— be at Minerva's caliber. Or even just close the gap between them. And then maybe, just maybe, time will come when there will be an opportunity for them to 'afford each other'...
"Well, Harry knows you more that anyone I supposed, and I would like to put faith in my husband's faith in you so that baby James would have a better society to live in."
Yeah, me too… For Minerva… Hermione told herself mentally.
"Is Molly taking care of him at the Burrow?" she asked Ginny in an effort to shake herself from the direction of her thoughts and change their topic.
"Yes. Mom insisted to take care of him instead of us getting someone to look after him this afternoon. She was okay to not be here. She said anyway we would all see her later at dinner. You're still coming right?"
"Yeah."
She thought about asking if Minerva would be coming as well but withheld her question because she could easily infer that the woman would probably run back to Hogwarts. The fact that the older witch had not arrived until more than an hour and half from the stated time of the luncheon only meant that something of import had kept her at the castle. She could not help but hope though.
During the last 12 months, where Hermione made the effort to occasionally attend dinners at the Burrow, Minerva on two events appeared; Harry's birthday and Baby James' sort of debut. And now that she thought of it, Minerva seemed unable to say no when obviously the dinner occasion was for Harry. That made Hermione delighted for Harry and jealous of him at the same time— irrationally jealous.
Speaking of her best friend who had returned to their table, he asked them "Do you want something Hon, I'm getting tea for Minerva. How about you Mione?"
Ginny said no and she also shook her head. Jealous all the more that Harry can do mundane task for Minerva without any complications…
When Harry left, Alicia joined her and Ginny. Alicia who was surprisingly very interested with kids had started asking about baby James. While listening to their conversation, Hermione was also watching Harry returned to Minerva with the tea.
When Harry left Minerva once more for something else, she took advantage of the interval. Very, very discreetly, Hermione summoned a small tin can of ginger newts from her office downstairs and had it soundlessly materialized just beside Minerva's teapot.
Hermione had to smile at how veteran Minerva is at subtleness. The woman didn't even pause as she was speaking to Kingsley and to another wizard when it suddenly appeared before her.
Hermione watched her reached for the tin can and took a biscuit with naturally movements. Anyone watching will be misled that the woman herself was the one who conjured it. Except Hermione knew that Minerva knew that she was the one who sent the can, just by the smallest shift of the older woman's body and a hint of a smile.
Oh, plus the fact that she had been sending the same to Minerva at Hogwarts from time to time…
It started one Sunday almost a year ago…
In the early dawn of that Sunday morning with less than three hours of unruly sleep, she rose from her bed and dragged herself to her kitchen to stare at the goods that Minerva fully stacked for her the night before. As she re-read and re-read Minerva's caring words and equal note of rejection.
Carefully, she considered Minerva's words— written, spoken and unspoken to her and for her and her alone… Then she examined Minerva's actions during the very brief times that they were together, when they were away from the rest of their society. She thought and thought of who the woman is whenever the woman shed her role. Of who the woman is without the public McGonagall persona, but just Minerva…
Some moments, Hermione would employ cynicism and reminded herself that she does not really know the woman. That maybe no one really knows who the woman is behind Minerva McGonagall. Maybe Dumbledore did, but the wizard is dead. And didn't Minerva herself admit to her that the last closest people in her life were taken away from her during the last war?
Does anyone alive even know that Minerva is gay? Or that she is defying aging? Or that she has a grand but empty Manor? Was she ever in relationship with another witch?
Hermione's mind looped back to Dumbledore and how he was gay and nobody knows. Or rather how he didn't seem to have lived a free life despite his flamboyancy, possibly because of the entire Grindelwald love-tragic affair. But maybe she just does not know … like how she doesn't really know Minerva…
Like people do not know that you are gay Hermione.
That particular thought seemed to re-centered Hermione. For fuck's sake, she hasn't even work out on how to tell Ron, her other best friend, of that fundamental detail about herself…
She knows Ron and knows his tendency to be shortsighted about unconventional things. Not because he is a bad person but because he grew up with less exposure and probably had been too sheltered on usual order of notions.
It was evident on how she had to 'educate' him about other magical creatures belonging to different class than wizards and witches, but it does not mean a lower or a higher class. It took her quite an effort to get Ron to consider the concept.
In the same thread, she knew she is not ready for a probable fight with Ron, about her being gay… She is not prepared for the kind of hurt most likely to be thrown her way as they battle for acceptance and understanding.
Then of course her parents— who have no clue about her sexuality. She wanted to believe that her parents would be as open minded as they have been when they found out that she was a witch when she was eleven years old. Naturally, her parents were thrown off-guard of such revelation. But that same afternoon, pride erupted from them for having a special daughter (obviously with tremendous influence by the emerald witch who brought her Hogwarts letter). They even viewed her 'muggle' nature as added uniqueness compared to those who were born in a wizard family. But this is not withstanding of their current relationship, given how precarious it is from her memory-wiping act. There is no way she would dare tell them in the very near future that their daughter is gay…
So… She arrived at a demanding question slash truth about herself, and of her loving Minerva. That is- How and why the hell does she expect to be with Minerva right now with all these complicated reality in her own life?
Suddenly she remembered to be realistic… to use her logic... to use her brilliant mind. She ordered herself to properly ascertain what she can do, what she cannot do, what she thinks Minerva can do, and what she thinks Minerva cannot do?
Consequently, her golden brain understood Minerva's 'we can't afford more'.
Yet.
Three-letter word she added to that rejection and it made a new whole world difference for Hermione.
We can't afford more— yet, but in time we can… In time she can love Minerva freely. In time Minerva would accept her love. In time Minerva would love her back… She knew this already, but it seems that it is only now that she fully understands it.
As the sun fully rose that Sunday morning, Hermione decided to just— go with the flow (for lack of better description). She apparated to Hogsmeade and got herself ginger newts. Then as soon as muggle stores opened, she got herself an oven and some additional supplies. For the entire afternoon, she experimented on how to make the exact ginger newts that she got. With concentration as if she was brewing complicated potions, her fifth batch of the biscuits were as good (or even better as she was biased) than the ones Minerva buys at Hogsmeade.
Just after dinnertime, she sent a can to Minerva to Hogwarts. She placed it inside a charmed bag that will open to no one else but Minerva. She included a note where for a moment she deliberated on how to address, and then bravely wrote it…
. . .
Darling,
Thank you for making sure that I will not starve, and thank you for remembering to include vanilla ice cream because life would not be complete without it!
And speaking (or writing) of life, I think I would have to subscribe back to the Daily Prophet for the next few days just to be updated in case I had poisoned you with these ginger newts that I made…
. . .
Two excruciating Sundays went by when the empty tin can arrived back at her flat, inside was a note.
. . .
Darling,
Nope, you didn't murder me. But I almost murder Pomona when she took a piece. Although it was my fault because I used to tell them to help themselves with the biscuits whenever they are at my office. But I failed to hide the ones you made…
But really, it was your fault because they were the best ginger newts…
. . .
And that was how the ginger newts giving started…
Hermione internally smiled when Minerva simply waved her hand over the tin can and it disappeared. Easily she could guess that the older witch vanished it to a safe-keep just before Harry settled back beside her.
For another quarter of an hour, she listened to Alicia and Ginny then eventually excused herself to go to Mr. Gregory Bennette, the former Department Head at the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, her former boss to talk to him. Not too keen to be held by anyone else, she subtly walked at the ballroom far sides. But before she could reach him, an elf whose clothing is with Hogwarts crest had intersected her. Before she could say something, he handed her a small cup. When Hermione looked at the cup, her Cheshire grin appeared.
She was given a cup of vanilla ice cream.
End of Chapter 1 | Year 2000 | Gryffindor House Head and Ginger newts
AN:
There was no harm during Hermione's experimentation on Ginger newts :)
Still borrowing from JK Rowling.