"A private matter, huh?" Ron asked as he sat in a comfortable armchair near the fire of the common room, ready to play a game of chess. It was weird; usually, Hermione was watching them play but she and Ron weren't on speaking terms anymore. Not since Crookshanks had eaten Scabbers anyway. Harry could understand that he was angry, of course, but it was weird. It wasn't even like he was seeing Hermione a lot in the common room. She was always working there in the beginning but lately, it wasn't the case. Harry didn't know if it was because it was easier for her to work in the library or if it was just because of Ron's presence. Unfortunately, he was pretty sure it was because of the latter, even if Hermione liked her peace when working.
He would have liked to talk to Hermione about what had happened the day before too. She was saying that what was going on was obvious but she had always refused to tell them anything. He thought that maybe by talking to her, she would accept to reveal what she knew. Harry shrugged as he started to play with Ron.
He had a funny feeling since he had met Draco outside Lupin's office. Not because of their meeting, but because of what he had heard. Relating to Malfoy was funny indeed. Harry had a lot of weird dreams too, worrying dreams. And from what he had heard, Draco was dreaming about hurting his parents, like his Boggart had shown. But how would he be able to do something like that? Why would he? He didn't hear enough of the conversation to put all the pieces together. Still, knowing that his enemy might understand that part of him better than his friends was weird. Plus, he didn't want to have anything in common with Malfoy, especially not that.
Harry glanced desperately at the table of the common room, like Hermione was suddenly going to appear.
"D'you reckon where Hermione is?" He asked Ron.
"How would I know?" Ron asked as he shrugged, clearly not minding the fact that she wasn't there, still furious. "And why should I care?"
"I thought she might find this interesting," Harry said prudently before Ron glared at him. He didn't want to fight with Ron, not at all, so he was thinking twice about everything he was saying.
"What for? She knows what's going on, doesn't she? If she was that good of a friend, she would have told us. Instead, she'd rather keep secrets and let her monster eat other people's animals," and Harry let him go on with his mumbling as he tried to concentrate on the game. Ron had a point, though. Why wouldn't Hermione tell them what she had discovered? That had always been senseless.
That's only when the game was over that Harry decided to head off to the library. Hermione wasn't angry at him, was she? She was upset because of Ron. She would talk to him if he was by himself.
He stopped dead when he arrived at the library on the fourth floor, seeing that Pansy, who was coming from the other end of the hallway, was actually going there as well. They had both stopped, actually, staring at each other for a few seconds before Pansy, a look full of disdain on her face, went in. She was quickly followed by Harry, hoping that Pansy wouldn't start making fun of Hermione. Even without spending that much time with her lately, Harry had noticed that she was on the verge of tears all the time and Pansy would make her cry for sure before telling this to everyone, especially to Malfoy. So, Harry walked right behind her, making sure she wouldn't be alone even for one second with Hermione.
When Pansy suddenly stopped, though, Harry almost ran into her but she didn't move. When he was about to walk past her, she glared at him and he frowned, stopping. He was about to open his mouth to ask her what was her deal and what she was up to when she shushed him by putting a finger against her lips. Harry didn't understand and wanted to protest but he surprisingly didn't say anything when he saw Pansy pointing her ear with the same finger. They both heard a little giggle and they turned their head towards the shelf near them. What Harry hadn't heard before was Draco's voice. But Pansy had noticed, that why she had stopped.
"How long have you known Professor Snape anyway?" Hermione asked Draco. The boy smiled as he tilted his head. He was looking mildly amused and mildly satisfied. It was the same smile he was having when he was proud of himself, it was clearly his arrogant side showing but it was also really cute. Hermione gritted her teeth, trying not to smile back at him.
They were sitting in front of each other, which was new, it was the closest they had ever got while having one of their civilized conversation, if you didn't count that time in the hospital. Even there, Hermione had kept her distances and had sat at the end of the bed.
Hermione was spending way more time in the library than she ever did, which was saying a lot, and Draco had found himself wandering in the huge place, looking at the books without looking at them. Glancing at the tables. A very odd behavior indeed, and he had told himself repeatedly that it was because even if he was usually going there to work, it was also a calm place where he could think properly. Wasn't it the secret? He had been in the library the last time his mind had gone blank from his struggles. But in the end, he had noticed that it wasn't all that helpful, that his thoughts weren't going away like he wanted them to. So, he wasn't sure about why he was still doing there exactly.
That was until Hermione had walked in, looking tired and like she had cried, her hair being bushier than ever. Then, he had taken a book and sat near, staring at the pages like he was reading, without ever going to another line. He had a lot to think about, not only was the next cycle approaching but it meant that he was worrying about Pansy knowing about him. Eventually. He was more at ease about being with Lupin, though.
Then, during the whole week, he had found himself sitting there with a book or his work because he had noticed that as soon as she was with him in the library, he wasn't thinking about it. He wasn't working much or reading much, but he wasn't worried about Pansy or the next cycle. Instead, he was curious about what could have made her cry. He was curious to see if she would attempt to have another civilized conversation. He was curious about... her. He didn't even feel like annoying her. And he had started to sit a bit closer, but always on the other side of the table. Funny. He didn't find himself wandering in the aisles anymore when he had some free time. He was always coming in the library at the same time as her, telling his friends he would do his homework there and hoping they wouldn't follow him or he would have to be annoying with Granger and she would probably cry. And he wouldn't be able to sit at... their table.
Very funny indeed.
And that day, they had been talking again. They had only exchanged a few words during the week, they didn't really have conversations but Hermione had noticed that he was there more often and she had asked him about it. He had stayed mysterious on that point, just showing her the book he had in his hands. Fortunately for him, she didn't notice that he was apparently reading upside down. He only noticed when he looked at it again. And when he had glanced at her to see if she hadn't seen anything, he could see that she was working again, so he had stayed silent.
But when he had seen her coming in that day, for this kind of meeting they had, probably more in his head than in hers, he had noticed that she had cried, once again. Were all fourteen year old girls crying like that all the time? Pansy wasn't crying. What was wrong with her? He had made a face and had tried to start a conversation. Surprisingly, Hermione had answered and they had started to talk. Not much, but a little, Draco making some comments about her hair and her complexion at some point. It didn't seem to please her very much, Draco couldn't really say why since he had tried to be nicer than usual without really showing it, and she had started to work again. It's only a few minutes after that he had decided to try again.
Draco didn't know why but also, the fact that she had simply sat down on her usual seat without saying anything or going somewhere else was pleasing him. Because he was sure she had seen him there, because her reddened eyes had met his gray gaze. And still, she had sat right in front of him.
"I've always known him, really," Draco said as he shrugged like it was natural. Hermione frowned and Draco explained himself. "He's an old friend of my father, from, like... a very long time."
That was so weird. So, Draco had known Snape even when he was a young kid? Maybe a baby, even? Hard to imagine. Hermione couldn't picture it. Firstly because imagining Draco being a really young kid with his parents was just too difficult to do, but because imagining him with Snape visiting his family was even weirder. She shivered when for a split second, the image of a young Draco speaking to Snape through dinner came in her head. Yeah, definitely too weird. She cleared her throat.
"Well, that explains a lot," she said and again, Draco smiled mysteriously.
Behind the shelf, Pansy and Harry were really excelling in their team work for two people hating each other. They were trying to catch a glimpse of their respective friends without being seen or without actually pushing each other, even if they both had a hand on the other's arm, ready to push the other away if they really needed to. Were they actually really talking to each other? Without insulting each other? And had Hermione really laughed at something Malfoy had said?
"Does it, now?" Draco asked, still amused as he was staring at Hermione's face. She looked so depressed lately, he felt oddly satisfied for making her smile.
"Clearly," Hermione said lower as she looked down at her parchment, Draco's gaze on her making her cheeks warmer. It was explaining why Draco was Snape's favorite student. Why Draco was allowing himself to talk to Snape the way he was doing, and Hermione thought that if Draco had been bitten long before his arrival at Hogwarts, Snape was probably the one that had been making the potion for him in order to make everything a bit less painful, to make him be able to control himself, somehow. It was basically clearing a lot of things about their relationship.
"Wait, are you serious?" Draco suddenly asked, sounding surprised as he leaned a bit forwards. With the tip of his fingers, he pulled Hermione's book towards him as she looked at him.
"What?" She asked.
"Muggle Studies? Really?" He said, not believing it. He pushed the book away from him, looking at it like it had just insulted him. It reminded Harry too much of Hermione herself. "Why on earth would you take this class? You're already unlucky enough to be one of them, are you mad?" And Hermione laughed quietly again, taking back her book to put it near her parchment.
"I'll let you know that it's a very interesting class," she just said as she shrugged, apparently disregarding his remark on Muggles. Harry felt anger in his stomach. Draco looked skeptical as he narrowed his eyes.
"Don't- You're unbelievable," he said, shaking his head, and Hermione looked down as she smiled. Draco took this time to look at her, his jaw clenched as he repressed his own smile. Harry didn't like seeing this scene. It was making him sick. He barely felt Pansy's fingers pulling his cloak when he walked past the shelf. "How are you even able to go to the class, isn't it at the same time as-"
"Hermione," Harry said rather coldly. Both Hermione and Draco looked at him, startled. Harry glanced at Draco as he frowned. It was clear that Malfoy was less relaxed already and a cold expression was back on his face to hide his surprise. It had only taken less than a second for him to become his normal self again. Harry looked at Hermione, not noticing that Draco's gaze was also slowly drifting towards her, examining her face as she shyly smiled at Harry.
"What do you want?" She asked, clearly trying to sound natural. Had something happened between Granger and her friends? Was that the reason she had been crying? Was that why she was mostly alone if it wasn't for the Weasel's sister or Longbottom, lately, and not because of all of her work? Draco didn't let anyone see the questions he had in his mind, he kept staring blankly at her. It was easier than he thought it would be.
"Talk to you, can we?" Harry asked almost prudently, this time, like he was afraid that Hermione would start shouting at him.
"Now?" Hermione asked. Harry glanced at Draco again to make him understand that he was annoying just by being there. Malfoy didn't stare back before a moment. Instead, he kept looking at Hermione and it made Harry frown even more. That's when Pansy came out too, walking next to Harry and smiling at Draco. The Slytherin reacted differently than when he had seen Harry. He wasn't looking cold anymore, more surprised as he furtively glanced at Hermione, but not annoyed.
"Pansy," he said quickly.
"Professor Snape's looking for you," she said, not glancing once at Hermione. "I told him I would come and tell you."
Draco had told her that he was going to work in the library, which he was doing this time until he had started to talk with Granger. Still, he looked even more surprised.
"What?" He said a bit more quietly. He hadn't done anything bad lately, on the contrary. That's when he realized he had lost the track of the time. As soon as he understood that, he stood up, putting his belongings in his bag before he followed Pansy. But before he left and after having regained a composed face again, he smirked at Harry, this one narrowing his eyes. What was he playing at? Was he trying to hurt Hermione by acting more kindly now that she was on the verge of a mental breakdown? Harry was probably exaggerating a bit her friend's state but still, he was sure Malfoy was up to something.
Once they were gone, Harry approached the table and sat next to Hermione.
"Now that he's gone, we can talk, right?" He asked, staring at her. Hermione looked amused as she met Harry's eyes.
"I was asking because I am working, not because he was here," she said as she rolled her eyes. "This better be important," she added. She definitely seemed to be in a better mood than she had been all week and Harry couldn't help but wonder if it was because of Draco. Wasn't it wrong? Still, he didn't say anything. He forced the "you didn't have any problem talking before I came in, apparently" to go back deep down his throat. He'd rather not annoy her if he wanted to tell her everything.
.
"I told him you were working but he insisted on seeing you," Pansy said, still not mentioning what she had just witnessed but looking at Draco out of the corner of her eye.
"Yeah, I forgot that I was supposed to go see him," Draco said, looking in front of him to be sure he wouldn't meet Pansy's eyes. It was the first night of the week he had to take his potion before the next transformation. He had been thinking about it all day long until he went in the library.
"How come you forgot?" Pansy asked, looking away when Draco finally glanced at her. She tried not to snigger, knowing perfectly well why he had forgotten all about his meeting. "I mean, it seems important, he said it couldn't wait."
"I know but I just... it got out of my mind, that's all," Draco said as they started to go down the stairs.
"Oh, I see," Pansy said with an amused tone. "It slipped out of your mind," she then said and Draco knew exactly this way of talking. He narrowed his eyes, stopping in his track. It made Pansy stop and she turned around to look at Draco. She tilted her head and her hands came together in her back as she smiled a little. "What?" She asked innocently.
"What are you implying?" Draco asked, his eyes still narrowed. He wasn't sharing her smile, he knew this tone way too well.
"Oh, you know, there's a lot of things slipping your mind when..." she started to say, not finishing her sentence. She turned round again and Draco followed her as she started to walk again.
"Wait, when what?" He asked quickly even if he didn't want to sound too eager, catching up with her. "What's that supposed to mean? I don't follow."
"You don't, do you?" Pansy then said, definitely starting to have a great deal of fun. Draco knew that if he wasn't extorting the information he wanted before they arrived in the dungeons, she would use his meeting with Snape as an excuse to leave him without anything.
"Come off it, now, it's not funny," he said as he frowned.
"It's not, is it?" Pansy asked, slightly more coldly. Draco wondered if pushing her down the stairs would make her talk. Probably not. He smiled a little when he heard her laugh and the thought of torturing her to have what he wanted left his mind. Maybe she was just messing with him a little?
"Okay, fine, what do you want?" He asked, putting his hands in his pockets.
"Me? Nothing, the fun I have now is enough," she said as they arrived in front of the stairs leading to the dungeons. "Go on, you'll be late if you don't."
"We're not done," Draco said and Pansy nodded, not impressed. Her smile was still on her lips as they went down the last set of stairs. "Seriously, I'm telling you. You're not going to get away with this."
"And so are you", she almost whispered more to herself than to Draco. "He's waiting for you," she simply told him, nodding in the direction of Snape's office.
"And you're not going anywhere," Draco added as he walked away.
"You better hurry, then, it's almost time for the feast and I'd like your fullest attention," and with that, Pansy winked before she hurried towards the common room. Draco mumbled as he opened Snape's door, not knocking, just walking in.
.
During this time, still determined to talk to her about what he had just seen, Harry had told Hermione everything he had heard the other day, as well as what Lupin had told him. Harry had explained that apparently, Malfoy was afraid of hurting his parents, or that it was at least what his Boggart was all about. That he had dreams about him doing that to them but that it was really weird, in Harry's opinion, since his mother had looked like she had been torn apart, even if she was still standing. Harry didn't mind Hermione's grimace as he said that, thinking the image of the Boggart had just came back in her mind, when she was actually imagining Draco attacking them as a werewolf. Well, she couldn't actually imagine it properly, because she didn't know what he would look like in this form. Still, it was a really weird feeling. He told her that he hadn't been able to hear the end of the conversation because they were talking way quieter than before. And then, he told her what Lupin had directly told him after he collided with Malfoy.
"Maybe he's right, you know? Maybe that's nothing you ought to know," Hermione said, not looking at him. Harry frowned, starting to feel his forehead hurting by dint of doing this that day.
"You're just saying that because... it's obvious, or whatever," Harry said as he sighed, crossing his arms on the table and resting his chin on them.
"Harry-"
"No, it's fine," he said shortly, glancing at her parchment. "I get it, you know what it is that they do or have or whatever, and you don't want to tell your best friends. Instead, you even become his friend."
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Is that what it's all about?" She asked as she let out a heavy sigh. "We're not friends, Harry, we were just talking!"
"And since when do you talk to him? No, with him? Since when do you laugh with him?" Harry asked as he straightened up again, looking at Hermione right in the eyes. He was waiting for an answer and apparently, this time, Hermione wasn't trying to avoid his eyes. Still, she stayed silent during a few seconds, gritting her teeth like saying what she had in mind might be too difficult to tell. Or might have consequences. "So? I'm waiting," Harry said impatiently.
"Since he is nicer with me than Ron is, and that's saying a lot, Harry," Hermione said as she stood up, brusquely closing her book. They both could hear the footsteps of Madam Pince coming their way and Hermione, not really wanting to be banned from the library, put her stuff back in her bag. Harry was decided to follow her, still feeling the effects of her words. They both left under Madam Pince's cold gaze and once in the hallway, Harry put his hand on Hermione's shoulder.
"Wait, Hermione, just-"
"Why don't you just leave me alone?" She suddenly asked as she turned around, her eyes already filled with tears. That was the last thing he wanted. He hated seeing Hermione so stressed and sad.
"Because you're my friend, I'm just trying to understand," Harry said quietly. It seemed to have some effect. Hermione blinked before she looked down, holding her book tight against her chest.
"I'm tired, Harry," she said on the same tone. "I'm tired of fighting with you two, if you're here to tell me who I can talk to or not, you can leave."
"No, that's not what I want," Harry said, suddenly ashamed of himself. "But, you know, it's just... It's Malfoy, it's... Weird, why would he talk to you?" He asked. Hermione looked up and again, Harry felt bad. "Not that there's a reason... I just mean... Why would he talk to you? Out of all people, so suddenly..."
"It wasn't... suddenly," Hermione said, shaking her head a bit as she lowered it again. Harry wasn't sure he was understanding. Or at least, he didn't really want to.
"Like... You guys are... becoming friends or something?" Harry asked, narrowing his eyes a little. He hadn't noticed a lot of changes in Malfoy's behavior towards them, even if he seemed to be a bit less annoying than usual that year. Not because of Hermione, or because he was tired of making fun of them, but because he had... Well, other things to do, probably. "With Lupin. With Snape. With Pansy. Maybe with Hermione", Harry thought, annoyed. Was it the reason she didn't want to tell what was going on? Had Draco told everything to her? It seemed unlikely, even if they might be talking to each other.
"No, we're not... friends, I already told you," Hermione said as she shrugged, still not looking at Harry. This one had to let some time pass to think about it. It was so weird. He slowly walked towards a bench against a wall and he sat down as slowly, letting out a heavy sigh. Hermione looked at him before she walked towards her friend, putting her bag on the floor and sitting next to him. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have reacted like that," she said, tired. Harry closed his eyes.
"Nah, don't apologize, please, don't... You're right, I shouldn't tell you who you can talk to and who you should avoid... But it's-"
"Malfoy," she said with a little and sad smirk. "I know what you think, Harry, but-"
"But you should have seen the way he looked at me when he left the library. What if it was one of his games? What if he just wanted to hurt you?" He asked Hermione, finally looking at her.
"What if he wanted to keep up appearances?" Hermione asked, still firmly believing that Draco's intentions weren't that bad this time. She was seeing him differently. Way differently. But she wouldn't be able to explain it to Harry, not without telling him his secret, not without betraying a trust she and Draco never really defined or talked about. But she just couldn't.
"I just don't want you to... Think he can be... I don't know, something else than a git," Harry said.
"You know that I really like Ron and that I know he is really kind, but lately I don't think you mind me thinking he is indeed a git. So why don't you let me think what I want about Malfoy?" She asked Harry as she met her eyes.
"Why is it so important to you?" He said as he frowned a little, tired of this conversation, hoping they had never even stared it. That they didn't need to have it because Hermione was still smart enough to know she shouldn't talk to him.
"I don't know, it just is," Hermione said, looking in front of her again, still holding her book against her.
"Did he... tell you anything?" Harry asked, not able to resist his own curiosity. Hermione rolled her eyes as she looked at him again.
"Really? You're going as far as thinking I'm in the confidence or something? He doesn't know I know," she said.
"He doesn't know that you know...?" Harry said as he looked hopefully at his friend.
"I'm not going to tell you," she said shortly and he gave up, looking away.
"Fine, I'll figure it out myself, if it's that obvious," he mumbled. Hermione smiled a little. After a few seconds of silence, Harry cleared his throat. "So... Is he really nicer than Ron?"
"Well, kinda. Lately, I mean, not usually. It's not difficult, you know," she said.
"I'm sorry," Harry said.
"If it's any comfort to you, he's not really good at having conversations with me. He told me I looked way uglier than usual because I cried and that I should learn how to use Sleekeazy's Hair Potion," Harry wasn't sure what to say about that. He didn't know if he'd rather think that he had tried to be sympathetic to her by saying that she wasn't usually looking that bad, or if he'd rather think that he had just been the same old Malfoy. He preferred the latter, but he didn't say anything.
"And it didn't happen suddenly, you said? So..." he said, trying to show her that he was really trying to understand why she was talking to him normally after everything that had already happened with him.
"We just started talking, it just... kind of happened," Hermione said quickly before she pursed her lips, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. "I promise you, Harry, I know what I'm doing."
"I know," Harry said quietly. "You're smart, I guess you would know if it was something stupid to do," he said, not really believing in his last words. Would she, really? Yes, she was smart. Smarter than anyone he had ever met, probably. But did that mean that she couldn't be blinded by her own hopes? Harry knew how Hermione was always trying to see and bring out the best in people. But Malfoy was, like they had both said, Malfoy. He was still Draco Malfoy. He was still Lucius Malfoy's son. He was still disgusted by Muggle-borns and those he was seeing as lesser people in general. Almost everyone. But Hermione must have been really lonely, during that year. Maybe it wasn't helping. If it had got to the point she was trying to be friend with Draco Malfoy, Harry really needed to talk Ron into speaking to her again.
"Let's not talk about this again," Hermione said. "Like I said, it's not like we're friends or anything, we just had some conversations, it was unimportant."
For the first time, Harry wasn't entirely convince by her matter-of-factly way of talking.
.
Draco sighed as he sat next to Pansy on the armchair, once back in the common room. He still had that disgusting taste in his mouth that was making him want to throw up. He didn't even want to go to the Great Hall to eat, he was feeling too nauseous at that very moment.
"So, I'm here," he said. Pansy smiled at him.
"Took you long enough."
"Seriously?" Draco asked as he narrowed his eyes and Pansy's smile became wider. He smirked as he shook his head, leaning casually as he stared at his friend. He had only disappeared for a few minutes. Snape had been unusually cold towards him and Draco didn't elaborate on the matter just in case he would get scold. Draco wasn't sure if Snape was angry at him for being late or because he was getting closer to Lupin. Maybe it had nothing to do with him at all, he didn't know and didn't ask. He had decided to wait and see, too impatient to know what Pansy had to say. It was a bit selfish but he didn't care. "So?" He finally asked. Pansy shrugged.
"I don't know if we should talk about it," she said as she turned her head to look at him. Draco smiled a bit more as he met her eyes. But quickly, he stopped smiling as he straightened up a little, still looking at her.
"Wait, you're serious here," he said, not asking. Pansy wasn't smiling anymore, just staring for a moment. Then, she glanced around. They weren't totally alone and it was making her uneasy.
"It's late, Draco, we should go to the Great Hall," she simply said as she stood up, walking towards the exit of their common room. Draco frowned and stood up so suddenly that he made a first year sitting nearby look up. He glared at the young girl as he walked past her and she quickly looked away. He quickly caught up with Pansy, staying right behind her. Was it just because there were other people? Was she just messing with him? She couldn't be, she sounded too serious. He didn't notice at first because of the way she had made fun of him before he went in Snape's office but clearly, something was bothering her about all of this.
"Wait," he said as he gripped her wrist once they had reached the end of the stairs leading out of the dungeons. Pansy turned around, a bit surprised by the way he had grabbed her arm.
"Draco, let go," she said as she frowned and he looked down at his own hand before he let go of her. Still a bit surprised, Pansy rubbed her wrist with her hand, looking at Draco. She looked hurt and Draco opened his mouth. No sound came out. "Look," Pansy started to say. Draco immediately closed his mouth, listening attentively. Pansy was hesitating. If she was talking about it, maybe he would stop being oblivious. And if he was stopping being oblivious, he would act on all of this. Maybe... She didn't know how he would react exactly. She liked to think that their superiority was more important to him than anything, but what she had witnessed in the library was making her doubt all of that. Still, he had been honest with her. More honest than he had ever been, actually. So, she could be honest with him too, there would be no harm in that. "I'm just worried that you're getting too close to... the wrong sort," she said as she met his eyes again. Draco frowned.
"That's not it," he said shortly. "And I'm not getting close to anything," he added quickly. Pansy tilted her head, clearly not convinced. "That's not what you meant up there."
"That's exactly what I meant, Draco, don't you see?" She asked, a bit impatient. "You don't, do you?" She said quietly as her friend narrowed his eyes.
"We're still talking about Granger, right?" He muttered, not looking away once. Pansy did. She looked down at her wrist again. Draco was becoming irritable again, more abrupt. "I didn't mean to hurt you," he said as he tried to meet her eyes again.
"I'm sure there are a lot of things you don't mean to do," Pansy said before she sighed, finally facing him. "But apparently, there's a lot of things that you can't control either." Draco gritted his teeth. She was way more right than she could ever imagine. Still, he didn't say anything. "What are you doing? Why are you throwing everything away like that?"
"I'm not... I'm not throwing anything away, I just-"
"Decided that she was worth it?" Pansy interrupted him. "That she's worth our attention? She's not... She has never been..." She closed her mouth, pursed her lips and looked down again. Draco felt a bit dizzy.
"I know she's not," Draco suddenly said, looking offended. It made Pansy sadly smile.
"Why were you talking to her, then?" She asked. "Because... It's funny, I can't even be sarcastic right now. I've always noticed the way you were looking at her, how you can't help but insult her after you stare at her for too long, the way you just-"
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Draco said as his tone rose, looking even more offended. But Pansy could see that his cheeks had turned pink. He was always so pale that it was noticeable. She didn't look away. Maybe Crabbe and Goyle were afraid of stepping out of line, but she wasn't. If she had been like them, they wouldn't be that close. It's because she did step out of the freaking line in the first place that they were friends.
"With me? Listen to you laughing with her and smiling at her like she was some sort of- of- like she's like us!" Draco took a deep breath, trying to stay calm. His jaw clenched, he stared at Pansy with an expression she had never seen on his face. Merlin, was he tired. He wanted to leave this place, to be back home far away from his problems.
"Like us, huh?" He asked bitterly. His tone was different too. Pansy narrowed her eyes as she frowned again.
"What are you playing at, Draco? You're not... questioning our place, are you?" She asked quietly, her heart beating fast. Draco gritted his teeth even harder.
"Of course I'm not," he said very coldly. He had never questioned the place of pure-blood wizards in the wizarding society, never. But he had questioned his own place there more than once. He had never talked about it with his parents, obviously, he had never asked if he was still worthy of their own name. But he couldn't say that to Pansy. He couldn't talk about it. If she knew about him, then, maybe he would. But it wasn't time. He still had a week to think about all of this before she would have a chance to realize what was going on. "We talked. That's all that happened. We talked," he said as he slowly articulated the last word. "It doesn't mean anything, especially not that, it's disgusting."
"You're saying that all the time. Still, I can see it, don't think I'm stupid. It sounds like you're just trying to convince yourself lately," Pansy said quite calmly, disregarding the way Draco was talking to her. "But you can't truly hide everything from me. Not that."
"And what do you see, then, if you're so clear-sighted?" He asked. His sarcasm didn't have much effect, for once.
"Where should I start, Draco?" Pansy asked with a little smile, as sarcastic as he had been. "Or maybe you should tell me when I need to stop? Let's begin with the way you look at her, should we? The way you insult her after you notice that you stared at her for too long. Or maybe we should talk about you going to the library twice as much as before? Why are you going there for? To catch up on your work, really? Or is it just to be able to see a pretty girl that cannot possibly shut up in class? I bet you're actually impressed by her, aren't you? She's so smart, Miss Know-It-All, isn't she? Is this why you can't stop complaining when she's around? Because you can't stand the fact that you're falling for this filthy Mudblood? That you're making mistakes? Because you know what they will all think, Draco, you must know it. If you affiliate yourself with such scum, you'll end up a blood-traitor. Surely, you don't want to be like the Weasleys, right? Or maybe that's your goal? I mean, if you become friend with one of them, you might as well do it with everyone, next will be Potter, and then Longbottom because why the hell not? I bet-"
"SHUT UP!" Draco roared, actually startling Pansy and stopping her in her angry speech. He was red in the cheeks, his body temperature was high and his fists were clenched, his own nails hurting his hands. But Pansy wasn't the only one being startled by him as he yelled. It was a moment before he glanced behind her, noticing Harry and Hermione. They were apparently going down the stairs, probably heading to the Great Hall. They surely hadn't heard Pansy, or at least not everything, but a look at their faces was enough to show that were already there when Draco had yelled. His heart was about to explode in his chest. Pansy slowly turned around when she noticed Draco's eyes to face the two newcomers. She stared at them for a second before she turned her head a bit, not actually able to see Draco.
"Either you wake up, or I'll force you to," she said calmly. "You can't get any good out of the situation."
After that, she just left. Draco's eyes followed her back as she walked in the Great Hall. Then, he hardly swallowed his saliva before he turned his head again, meeting Hermione's eyes without even wanting too. That's when he felt like too much was happening at the moment. He stared at Hermione during a few seconds, slowly unclenching his fists but not his jaw. His gaze slowly drifted on Harry, but he only glanced at him before he walked slowly towards the big doors of the Great Hall. His eyes were on the Slytherins table but he couldn't see Pansy. Or he had just missed her. The fact remained that he sat alone for a while, until she came by herself to sit in front of him. They didn't talk, but she thought that he deserved to know that she was still there. Draco wondered if she was there in case he was suddenly "waking up", or if she was just there for him in general.
He glanced at her and met her eyes. She was apparently staring at him, maybe thinking about the conversation too. Draco was feeling really bad. He wasn't hungry, he was just really tired. They kept staring at each other for a few seconds. Pansy was thinking about the conversation and about the way Draco had reacted. She had expected him to be angry, she hadn't expected him to yell at her this way. Yet, she hadn't expected him to speak to her the way he had during the first feast of the year either. She knew it was a very stressfull year for him. She knew it and maybe she was the only one sure of this at the moment, but she was definitely still there for him in general. She couldn't help it. She couldn't abandon him. He was still Draco. Her Draco Malfoy. Her best friend. She just wanted to protect him. From Granger, from himself, what was the difference? He was just momentarily lost.
And Draco was thinking about the conversation too. But he was mainly thinking about what he had said. Because if Draco didn't know that she would still be around if the situation was getting worse, he knew that she couldn't be clear-sighted enough to know that when he had said that it was disgusting, for once, he wasn't talking only about Granger. He was mainly talking about himself. A Mudblood and a werewolf. Pansy could never know how right she was by thinking it was wrong. So wrong.
He was too disgusting for someone like her...
Draco looked down at his emply plate, not able to look at his friend anymore. He had to be out of his mind to even think about things like that. He couldn't think about Granger like there was something more between them than civilized conversations.
Still, when he looked up again and glanced at the rest of the Great Hall, he saw her. He saw her in a sea of people in which he hadn't even made out Pansy when he was looking for her. She was looking at him. She was looking at him and his eyes started itching as his heart skipped a beat.