A/N: Also, I have to say, at this point I'm regretting not having written Pansy as a childhood friend. It's crazy because I didn't imagine giving so much importance to Pansy as a part of this story before I started to write it but now she is very important so I'm sorry if you don't like her. Worry not, she is not a threat to Draco and Hermione's relationship in any way. I also didn't think about including... Well, you'll see in this chapter, but I just suddenly wanted to. Sorry if I didn't handle this very character the way I hoped I would, it's really hard to work with this one. I hope you'll still enjoy that part.
ALSO. IMPORTANT. More information about the way Hermione feels in this one, which is a bit new since it's a Draco-centric fic. But yeah, I hope you'll like this chapter, I know I do ! Thanks again for all the support you guys are giving me, it's amazing.
The days went by very slowly for Draco, after that night. He mainly avoided Pansy, he didn't want to talk to her. She tried two days after what had happened, thinking they could talk if they were both with a clear head, but every time she was as much as approaching Draco, this one was either leaving, either talking to Crabbe or Goyle without looking at her once. Pansy knew what he was thinking of them, he knew that he wouldn't be so passionate about a conversation with them if it wasn't for her annoying him just by being there. It was hurting her, she was hoping they could act like grown ups, that they could talk about their problems. But Draco was being selfish. He would say it himself. He was being selfish because he was too afraid to be hurt once more, so he didn't want to listen to whatever she had to say; he'd rather save himself than try to repair the damages. He didn't want to even contemplate talking with Pansy just after what had happened. So he was avoiding her, even if he had to stay with Crabbe and Goyle all the time. He was able to fake listening, letting his mind wander endlessly without them noticing anything.
A few days after what had happened with Pansy, he had written a long letter to his father, almost begging him to be there during the Easter holidays, now that he had made sure with his mother that he would indeed be able to go back home at that time. When he received his father's answer, he was really happy to see that even if he still had to work, he would find as much time as possible to be home. Even if Draco knew that he would still be gone a lot, his father would come back as much as possible. If he was telling it to Draco, he would do it. He was a man of his words, his father. Not like some girl he was still hanging out with a few days ago. Draco made a face as he glanced at Crabbe and Goyle before he sighed. Pansy had just left the room to go to her dorm, so he interrupted Goyle.
"I'm out of here," he simply said as he stood up to leave the common room. He didn't need them. He didn't need anyone, really. He would go see the Thestrals, that would be enough. Some fresh air and the company of creatures understanding him, that wouldn't leave him. Perfect. He didn't even notice Hermione who was hurrying towards the Great Hall but stopped when she saw him leaving the dungeons to go out. She had notice that he seemed to be in a weird mood lately.
They hadn't talked since the moment she had given him the book but he seemed to be alone most of the time, when it wasn't for Crabbe & Goyle. Hermione felt bad. Maybe it was her fault? After all, Draco had been really angry at Pansy the other day, when he had yelled at her. Then, it seemed to be going more or less fine between them but now they didn't seem to be talking to each other anymore. What if Hermione had broken their friendship? But she wasn't important enough in Draco's life to be able to do that, was she?
"Come on, I'm hungry," Ron said as he gripped her arm softly to pull her with Harry and him. Harry had noticed that Hermione was looking at Malfoy, who was pale, looking at the floor and hands in his pockets as he didn't seem to go eat for lunch, once again.
.
"You're not going to betray me, you, am I right? Of course I'm right..." He said as he patted the head of one of the creatures, another one approaching. He smiled a little at it, waiting for it to be close enough to caress it too. "I should have known."
"I didn't know you liked them too," he heard a voice behind him call. Startled, he turned around suddenly, making both the Thestrals taking a few steps backwards. He blinked at the blonde girl who was walking towards them. Luna didn't look at Draco as she walked towards the creatures, trying to take something in her bag. She then threw a piece of raw meat towards them, smiling a little. "You should give them food too, they like it more than caresses," she said calmly. Draco didn't move, he had just turned to be able to look at her. After a few seconds, he finally spoke.
"You're... Luna, aren't you?" He asked, narrowing his eyes a little.
"And you are Draco Malfoy," she said as she distractedly started to caress the neck of the nearest Thestral.
"Yeah, I am," Draco said quietly, taking a few steps towards her. He was still staring but he stopped when she turned her head. He tried to only look at the Thestral that was coming back towards him and he slowly put his hand on its face to caress it as it got really close. Luna kept staring at him for a while, still caressing the other creature. After a long minute, Draco glanced at her and met her grey eyes. "You cried."
Taken aback, Draco stopped the movement of his hand on the Thestral's face as he stared at her. She wasn't asking, she was stating that he had cried.
"So what?" He said a bit aggressively, not even thinking about contradicting her.
"Is that why they seem to like you a lot?" She asked as she looked at the creatures again. "You seem to attract them," she added. Draco didn't know how to feel about that as he looked at the Thestral which was waiting for his caresses. It wasn't really a compliment, they weren't nice creatures. They weren't beautiful, people thought they were a sign of bad luck and they could appear only to people having seen death and able to accept the concept of it. Not really the happiest creature in the world. Was it why he was, indeed, attracting them? Because he was a not so happy creature either, lately? "I didn't know they would be so keen to meet creatures like you," she then said more quietly, still staring at the Thestral she was touching. Draco looked at her again as he frowned.
"What do you mean?"
"A werewolf," she simply said, turning her head to look at him again. He was at a loss for words.
"What?" He asked, the word escaping his mouth before he had some time to think. She was still looking at him, like she was curious.
"Aren't you one?"
"What?" Draco repeated. Luna gave him a faint smile before she looked at the Thestral again, tilting her head. "Did Pansy tell you?" He asked more quietly, suddenly feeling uncomfortable and like he was about to suffocate.
"Pansy? I don't know any Pansy," Luna said as she smiled again. Draco felt a wave of relief going through his body. She hadn't told anyone. At least he hoped so. "Is she the reason you cried?"
"None of your business," Draco said shortly, looking at the Thestral again.
"You are a bit rude," Luna said. Draco looked down before he looked at her out of the corner of his eyes. "But it's ok, we all have things to deal with."
"Exactly," he said even if it was useless. The Thestral Luna was caressing started to walk away to be near the trees and Luna came closer to Draco to be able to caress the neck of the other one. It made Draco feel even more uncomfortable.
"Who did you see die?" She asked naturally. Pansy was right, she was weird. He wouldn't say crazy just yet, but weird.
"The man who turned me," Draco said quietly and again, the words had escaped without him being able to do anything. It was easy to talk to her about that, she already knew that he was a werewolf and she didn't seem to have any problem with that fact. Maybe that's why suddenly, he felt the urge to talk to this girl. She would understand. She was seeing them. She knew his biggest secret. She was talking nicely to him. She was different from the others.
"Oh, I see," Luna simply said. "How old were you?"
"Nine."
"I was the same age," she said with a little smile. It wasn't a happy smile, but it wasn't a sad one either. It was a bit fixed, but not cold. Luna looked at Draco before she said, "When my mother died."
"Oh," Draco said, surprised. He wasn't expecting that. He cleared his throat and avoided meeting her eyes as he mumbled a quiet "sorry", but he wasn't really. Luna didn't say anything but after a moment, she opened her bag and looked into it. Draco was expecting her to get another piece of meat out of it but instead, she took a green apple that she handed to Draco.
"You can have it," she said. Draco frowned and narrowed his eyes again as he looked at the apple. How did she know he would like one of those? He looked at her again, with the same expression.
"It's not because you know that you can- study me. I'm not some kind of- I'm not here to be domesticated," he said coldly, thinking that Luna had actually been observing him for a while. It wouldn't surprise him, she was also around the Thestrals a lot. But he wouldn't let her treat him like some kind of animal.
"I didn't see you in the Great Hall for lunch. I thought you'd be hungry," she said, not offended at all. "It's fine if you don't want it."
"Give me that," Draco said as he quickly took the apple from her hand, biting it angrily. It made Luna smile a little. Draco didn't know if she was amused by him, or if she was just happy that he had taken the apple.
There was only silence for a while. It was only broken by Draco eating the apple.
"You can't tell anyone," he said, not looking at Luna.
"Oh, I know, I won't," she said as he smiled at him. Draco glanced at her and shrugged.
"And I didn't cry because of Pansy. I don't care about her," he lied.
"I still don't know who Pansy is," Luna said, taking another piece of meat for the creatures.
"Does it matter?"
"You are talking about-"
"But that doesn't mean I care about her," Draco said shortly.
"No, it doesn't," Luna said, still finding Draco quite rude but not being really offended by his behavior.
"Great. We agree on that," he said. Luna stared at him until he looked at her. "What?"
"You're a bit weird, aren't you?" She said as she smiled at him again, handing him a piece of meat.
.
"Yeah, my mother gave me a copy of this one. But it was in French," Draco said to Hermione. She raised an eyebrow.
"In French?" She asked, tilting her head a bit.
"Are you deaf?" Draco asked with a little smirk on his lips.
"I didn't know you could speak another language," Hermione said as she put down her quill. They had been in the library for a while. It was Saturday and Draco was avoiding... Well, basically everyone. It was the beginning of March, more than a month had passed since the incident with Pansy, as well as another cycle, and Draco was still not talking to her. But he couldn't pretend to be interested in what Crabbe and Goyle had to say any longer. Sure, he knew them since he was a kid, but it didn't mean he could live with them twenty-four seven. He had his limit, and he had reached it. He hadn't had many occasion to speak with Hermione since she had given him her book but he had found out that hanging out in the library was a good way to be alone. He had crossed path with Luna once, in there, and their eyes had met but he had hoped that she wouldn't talk to him. Fortunately, she had only smiled at him.
They had stayed longer near the Thestrals, mostly in silence, sometimes exchanging a few words, Draco giving mostly short answers. He didn't dislike her. But he couldn't say he liked her. He just didn't want to hang out with her, she wasn't a friend. And he didn't need people to talk about Draco Malfoy and Loony Lovegood hanging out. Good thing for him that she wasn't a Slytherin and that she didn't seem to have many friends. He had seen the Weasley girl with her once, but she seemed alone most of the time. Oddly, Draco felt like she was lucky, somehow, that she had as much time alone as she wanted to. Even if it was because people thought she was weird, at least they weren't going to talk to her every other second, when Draco had to hide from his very own friends.
The good side of the situation was that Crabbe and Goyle wouldn't go in the library by themselves. Draco was usually forcing them to come with him when they had to do some work together. And Pansy... Well, Draco didn't exactly know. She hadn't talked to him again, nor tried, but she was often looking at him. In class, since they were usually sitting next to each other, Draco was acting like she was invisible and keeping as much distance as possible between them. Not for him, but for her too. The last time he had approached her during their argument, she had walked backwards. He couldn't help but think that she was maybe scared or uncomfortable around him. He was acting like she wasn't existing. With someone else, he would go as far as walking straight into that person if they had to cross path, just to act like he wasn't seeing them. But not with Pansy. It was still hurting, inside, and he couldn't bring himself to be too mean. It wasn't because they weren't talking that Draco wasn't suffering.
Or that she wasn't suffering.
Draco had some time to think about it all, and could easily understand how difficult it could be for her too. Still, he couldn't bring himself to have a conversation with her. Not right now. But he was scared that if he didn't have it one day, it would end up being too late to ever talk again. Or was it already too late? She had already stopped trying to talk to him and he was kind of annoyed by that. Which was even more annoying for him. Why would he care if she didn't want to talk to him? He didn't want to talk to her.
Ok, he wanted to talk to her, so bad. He still liked her. But he couldn't. Too much pride. It was her fault, not his. Too bad for her, he wouldn't come begging for her attention.
So, he was mostly hiding in the library, in the smell of the books, wandering in the alleys and sometimes reading, sometimes working. He wasn't always looking for Granger, he had always liked this place. It was reminding him a bit of the one he had at the Manor. They had this big library, with countless of books. He liked being there. He loved when his mother was reading him stories when he was younger, in his parents' bed, cuddled up in her arms and next to his father who was just looking at them, listening to Draco's reaction every time something was happening in the story. And sometimes, he was holding his wand to give them some lighting. Draco was feeling good, in the library. Better than he had felt lately anyway.
But that day, Granger was there. She wouldn't annoy him, that was good. He got out of his alley and went to sit in front of her again. She actually did greet him with a little "hi", a bit awkward.
And they talked. It was weird. More natural than before and at the same time, it was still... unnatural. But the words were coming more easily. She had asked if he had began to read the book she had given him and he had stated that he needed to finish the one he was already reading first. And they just started conversing about the one he was reading. Then about others. It was a simple conversation that he would have never imagined having with her, but there they were and it wasn't so unpleasant.
Hermione was glad to talk to someone liking some of the things she loved more than anything. She didn't care anymore if it was Malfoy. Because it wasn't just Malfoy anymore. He hadn't been just Malfoy since a while. She was talking with Draco Malfoy, with what seemed to be his true-self. What seemed to be a pretty clever boy, not that bad once you knew him, even if he was still teasing her sometimes. It didn't matter if she had to be discreet because of Harry and Ron. It didn't matter if she had to keep all of this secret because she was enjoying it. She was enjoying having those conversations and she was enjoying his presence. Maybe too much, even.
They had more in common than they ever thought they would, and they were both at a point where they could admit that they were ok with that. That they were glad to be talking to each other.
Hermione was at a point where she could admit that he was handsome, sometimes cute. That she liked the way he was talking or smiling, even if she had never seen an innocent smile yet. It was always some kind of smirk, but not a natural smile coming on his lips because he was just... Happy? Or having a good time, simply. But she didn't care, she was at a point where she could admit that she liked his smirks. That she liked that glow in his eyes whenever he was amused by something. And at a point where she could admit it to Ginny, too.
She had shyly tried to talk about it to Ginny when she had come back to sit in front of her after Draco had left the library with her book. She had tried to talk about all those weird thoughts and twitches in her stomach when they were talking and that he was kind of laughing, or that he was smirking. Ginny had not been shy, she had understood right away why Hermione had difficulties to talk about it but made her understand that she wasn't judging her. And she had even said that his behavior, when he had asked about the book and that he had sat down, was showing that he was genuinely trying to keep talking to her, that he seemed to use the book as a reason to talk to her that day. Hermione was feeling good since then. She was feeling good because like Ginny had said, it was ok. Everything was fine, she had the right to feel this kind of things for Draco, whatever Harry and Ron might think. Because their opinion didn't matter, and they didn't have to know. For now, it would be their secret, Ginny wouldn't tell anyone.
And surely, Hermione would tell all about this conversation to Ginny once she would be back in the common room.
"Another? It's not the only one. But clearly it's the one I talk the best after English, for now," Draco said as he tilted his head a bit. Hermione's eyebrows shot up.
"You're serious here?" She asked, even more impressed.
"What do you think I did before coming to Hogwarts or during the holidays?" Draco asked, looking a bit amused. Hermione shrugged.
"That you were going back in your lair to wait," she said with a little smile. Draco raised an eyebrow.
"Well, you were wrong. I know it's unusual for you but try to survive," he said, giving her another one of his smirks.
"Shut up," she said as she rolled her eyes.
Hermione had never hated Draco. She didn't even totally dislike him. She had just found him really, extremely annoying. It had never been the same feelings Ron and Harry had for him. They hated the guy. Maybe they had good reasons, Draco was horrible with Harry and Ron had always been prejudiced when it came to the Malfoys. And Draco had always been prejudiced when it came to the Weasleys. But with Hermione, the only thing was that her parents were Muggles. And he wasn't even mentioning that a lot, especially lately, he was acting way differently.
"I've never imagined you doing anything, really. Tell me more, what do you do?" She said, suddenly eager to know about his hobbies. It was true, imagining Draco doing something outside of the school was weird. It was like when she had tried to imagine him younger. And now, imagining him learning to speak another language...
Draco shrugged.
"I already studied a lot before I came here," he just said. "Learned loads of different stuff. About a bit of everything, really, not only languages but manners, some history, how to fly," he said, staying evasive, not mentioning the music or the dance for the balls he had to attend with his parents. It was really weird for Draco to have Hermione asking questions about him. Especially since she was looking particularly interested.
"Who taught you those things?" She asked. Draco stared at her for a few seconds. He wasn't smiling but something on his face was making him look fascinated by Hermione. He was mainly wondering why she had this kind of interest in him. He avoided to narrow his eyes and he looked down at his hands when he answered.
"My mother, mainly," he said. He wasn't ashamed, on the contrary, but it was weird to talk about his mother to Granger. It wasn't the first time he was mentioning her but here, he was making her discover more stuff and he was suddenly a bit intimidated. That was the weirdest part, because he could talk freely about those things with Pansy. He blinked, not wanting to think about her. He looked at Hermione again. "She was always at home with me, so she was teaching me a lot of stuff," he said. "She's really smart, you know," he added quickly and quietly. Hermione smiled a little, but not too much. At least, she tried not to because she couldn't show him what those words were making him look like. Proud, as always, but also like a son.
Not a git, not a rude little kid, not a rich boastful. Just a son proud of his parents, whatever their actions were.
"If you say so, it must be true. I mean, you didn't turn out to be a complete idiot, I guess it comes from somewhere," Hermione said with a little smile, actually knowing nothing about Draco's mother. But she was taking his word for it. Draco couldn't wait to be back home to see her, actually. Letters were good, but it wasn't the same. Fortunately, it would soon be the Easter holidays.
"Of course it is," he said. "Who taught you?" He asked, sounding more eager to know about her than he wanted. Hermione's smile became a bit bigger.
"I went to school," she said. Draco frowned a little. "Muggle school, I'm not surprised you don't know about it."
"What?" Draco said, frowning and looking like he wasn't believing her. "Are you joking to make me look like a fool?" He asked, unsure if Hermione was serious or if she just wanted to make him believe things about Muggles. Hermione shook her head.
"Of course not. Before I received my Hogwarts letter, I was living like the others, and Muggles go to school really young."
"That's... unusual," he said, making Hermione chuckle. He narrowed his eyes, leaned on his seat and crossed his arms. "Freaks."
Again, Hermione laughed a little as she shook her head.
"Is that why you love studying so much? Are all Muggles the same way?" Draco asked, suddenly curious once again, maybe too much. Luckily, his parents would never hear about this conversation. Hermione let out another but quiet laugh.
"Most Muggles hate school, actually. But I've always loved learning stuff," she explained. Draco was about to say that he liked that too when he realized, once again, who he was talking to. He was ok with talking to her this way, but he was still not ready to show too much enthusiasm about their similarities. Still, he couldn't make his curiosity go away. He looked away for a second.
"And what do you learn there?" A little smile came back on Hermione's lips, surprising Draco. She seemed really amused. "Languages? How to play instruments?"
"That's not the main subjects, it's like here but Muggles learn their own things, like maths," Hermione started to say, meeting Draco's eyes. "You learn History, but the Muggles one, and-" she said before she frowned a little. "Wait, you also learned how to play music?" She asked. Draco gritted his teeth, taken aback.
"That's not the subject here," he quickly said.
"Come on, I've always loved music. What can you do?" She asked.
"Not a lot, it's just..." He started to say, a bit embarrassed. He met Hermione's eyes and felt suddenly good. "My mother taught me piano," he then said more quietly. Hermione smiled again.
"Is she the one who taught you how to fly?" She asked, knowing that Draco wouldn't go further on the music subject. He was looking really uncomfortable and she didn't want him to suddenly leave or stop talking. He just shook his head but didn't say anything. He was disturbed by this conversation in an unusual way that Hermione could perceive but not understand. With a grin, she kept going, "Ok, one last question for you, has Professor Snape taught you anything before you came here?" And this time, Draco nodded.
It was a few moments before he spoke again.
"You're less boring than I thought you would be," he said and when she looked at him, he shrugged and leaned a bit forwards to be able to see what she was working on. He did this not to allow her to see the expression on his face, but she was glad. Her cheeks were red and she started to write again, hoping it would be able to keep him looking. He didn't seem to want to look up. His hands were joined together on the table and his eyes staring at her parchment. She didn't notice that she had stopped writing, she was looking at him. She was looking at his face, staring, really. Staring at his grey eyes that she could barely see behind his white-blond hair, that he wasn't styling like the year before anymore. She was staring at his pale face, at his features, and she met his eyes when he finally looked up. Again, they stayed silent.
That day was definitely really weird. Not only this was the best discussion they ever had, but they were having a moment. The kind of moment Hermione was hoping they would have. The kind of moment Draco was hoping they would have without ever admitting so. Madam Pince's arrival broke it.
Draco straightened up when he heard her footsteps before he leaned a bit more casually on his seat as Hermione swallowed and looked down at her paper again. She glanced at Draco and felt her cheeks getting even more hot when she noticed that he was still staring at her.
"I've never been boring," Hermione said quietly. Draco smirked and shrugged. "You just didn't know me."
"Yeah, well, I do now."
.
The last night in the school before the Easter holidays, Draco couldn't sleep. Well, he could. But not properly. His monthly transformation had happened two days prior, he had spent a night in the hospital, as always, and now he was back in his dorm. But, as often, his dreams wouldn't leave him alone. He was stuck in this nightmare that was, as always, way too vivid. It was like he was living the pain of the transformation again, like he could hear the screams, like he could feel the bones break under his teeth, like he could taste the blood, like he was howling.
Suddenly, his eyes were wide open. His chest was moving fast, his shirt was soaked because of his sweat, his hair were wet too and he could feel the drops rolling down his temples. He was breathing fast as he stared at nothing. It was like he couldn't move, like his body was refusing to obey him. He couldn't recognize the place he was in, it was too dark. When he finally could straighten up, he tried to get out of his four-poster bed but he had to fight with the curtains to get out of there. Once out, it was like getting a sudden rush of fresh air in his lungs. A rush of fresh air that was burning his insides. Apparently, everyone was still asleep, he could even hear Crabbe's snore.
Crabbe. He was at school.
He could feel his hands shaking uncontrollably and he stumbled because of his trunk as he tried to leave the room. The floor was cold but he didn't put any socks on as he left his dormitory, walking quickly towards the common room. He had to sit, he had to think.
"In school, I'm in school. I'm in school, so it's fine. Everything's fine," he kept telling himself, not having any way of contacting his parents at the moment. The letter would take too long to arrive and he couldn't use the fireplace, they were probably asleep. Yes, asleep. Not dead. Alive and well, just sleeping in their room. Draco felt sick. Once in front of the couch, he bent over and had to grope along the edge of it before he sat. The room was lighted by some candles but it's like it wasn't enough, like it was too dark, like the room was too small. Draco tried to take deep breaths but he couldn't. He hid his face in his hands as his elbows were resting on his knees and he bit his lower lip as he kept his eyes closed.
.
In another dorm, that night, Pansy couldn't sleep. She was anxious because of so many things that it was affecting the way she was sleeping, lately. Maybe it was written. Maybe that's why she told herself that she had to get out of there for maybe a few minutes, just to think about her situation. Maybe that's why that night, she left her bed and walked towards the common room.
On her way, she suddenly stopped, not sure of what she had heard. Maybe it was just because of the lake. She waited before she heard another sob and someone breathing fast. It was definitely coming from the end of the hallway. She frowned a little before she walked slowly towards the door that was ajar, a hand against the cold wall. She slowly pushed the door, not too much, just to be able to glance around. The candles were lighting the room enough for her to see Draco's white-blond hair. He was sitting on one of the comfortable couch, his face hidden and his body shaking slightly as he seemed to be crying. Pansy didn't think about it twice and walked quickly towards him.
"Draco, what is-" she started but she seemed to have startled him. He suddenly got up and walked away from her, blinking. She raised her hands a little. "It's me, it's fine, it's just me," she said quietly. Draco didn't say anything but he avoided looking at her again. He even turned on his feet a little not to face her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," she almost whispered. Draco shook his head slightly. "Come on, come back here, sit, what's going on?" She asked.
"Nothing," Draco said directly with a strangled voice. He quickly raised his hand to reach his mouth, his fingers touching his lips. Pansy knew. She knew that he was trying not to sob, that he was just trying to look better than the image he was giving her at that moment. She could see his humid shirt against his chest, how the fingers playing with his lips were shaking, how messy his hair were.
"Draco, please, tell-"
"It's nothing you could possibly understand," he said with a broken voice, "Leave me alone."
He was still shaking, he was very pale and his eyes were still filled with tears, he didn't want her near him. He didn't want her to talk to him, he didn't need her. He didn't need anyone. He just needed to see his parents.
It didn't stop her, she approached him slowly, not wanting him to move back again.
"Draco, what is it? Tell me," she repeated.
"No!" Draco said as he finally looked at her, surprising her. It had been a bit sudden, louder but not too loud either.
"Even if I can't understand, I can listen," she said desperately. She knew that it would help. Draco had already told her about some stuff that she couldn't exactly understand, but he had always told her that having her listening was good enough. So why would it be different now? Maybe because he hated her? She looked down. He was probably loathing her, that was the reason. She glanced at him and took a step forwards.
"Don't approach me, just go away," Draco said more quietly.
"I'm not going anywhere," she said as she kept walking towards him. He didn't move, he let her come but he turned his head to avoid meeting her eyes. "I'm not going to leave you alone, I don't care if you hate me, I'm not leaving," she said. She slowly put one hand on his left wrist. Draco became a bit tense and he glanced at her before he looked away again. "Look at me, just look at me, tell me what's wrong, I'm here for you."
"No you're not," Draco said quickly. He had sounded like a child as he tried to stop another sob from coming out. He wasn't quite successful and it made him look even more childish.
"Yes, I am. I'll always be," Pansy whispered seriously. Draco finally took a deep breath before he met her eyes. "You know I'll always be. Even if I'm stupid, sometimes, it doesn't mean I'll leave you alone," she said. "I promised you. And I'm not breaking my promises."
"It's too late," Draco muttered. Pansy gave him a sad smile.
"Do you really think it is? Don't you think that maybe, everyone has the right to have a second chance?" She asked. Draco blinked and slowly looked down. Pansy slowly moved her hand from his wrist to his hand to take it between her fingers. "I've been trying to talk to you, to tell you that I'm sorry. That I'm not... afraid. Or anything else. I just never had the chance to do it... I've been... Shocked, or whatever, of course I was. But... It's not what matters. Because last year, you were like this already. Because two years ago, when we met, you were already who you are today. And by who you are, I mean..." she whispered. "I mean, you're still the same stupid guy who hold my hand last year," she said with a little smile as she glanced at his hand that she was still holding. Draco looked up at her again when she said that, feeling like crying again. "I have ups and downs too, but you're still with me. And today, I'm still with you."
"It's not the same..." He whispered, a tear rolling on his cheek. Pansy quietly chuckled as she felt her eyes stinging and she slightly shook her head. She had never seen him so desperate, even if she had already seen him looking kind of depressed before. That's when she truly realized how thinner he got during this year. How he seemed to look older than the rest of the students because he was bearing the marks of his monthly transformations.
"No, it's not. I said it myself. Of course it's not the same situation. It doesn't mean it can't have the same ending," she said, trying to keep smiling and not cry. One of them had to be strong and this time, it was her turn. "What do you say about that?" She asked. There was a few seconds of silence before Draco nodded slowly. He sniffed and looked away again, embarrassed. "Come on."
She turned around, still holding his hand, and she walked towards the couch. Draco used his other hand to dry his cheeks before he sniffed again and sat next to her. She didn't let go of his hand, she even held it more tightly, the other one coming above to cover all of Draco's hand.
"I think it's time we talk, don't you?" She asked. Again, Draco nodded, staring at his knees. She smiled a little. Surely, she was the only one able to see him in this condition. And no one would ever know. She had never said anything about him to anyone, and she knew way more stuff than his other friends, especially that year. "It's fine, it's totally fine, breathe," she said. She saw him take another deep breath and she squeezed his hand a little to show him that he was doing good.
"It's just- it's... my parents," he whispered before a sob blocked his throat. He didn't want to let it out. Pansy didn't say anything, she was listening carefully, knowing that she also had to let him talk, not just ask questions. "I have..." Draco looked at the fireplace in front of him, suddenly wishing there would be a fire there, he was starting to get a bit cold. "Nightmares," he whispered. Pansy frowned a little and tilted her head, trying to see Draco's expression. He wasn't saying anything else and Pansy thought about it for a few seconds before she understood.
"Your... Is this... Your Boggart, it's about that, isn't it?" She asked carefully. Draco slowly nodded, still not looking at her. Pansy held a sigh, barely able to imagine what Draco was dreaming about. Draco closed his eyes as he took a deep breath again. She could remember what his mother had looked like. She could remember his father's words. She pressed his hand. "But, Draco... You know you will never do that to them..." She said, not really knowing what she could say to make his pain go away. Draco slightly shrugged before he used his free hand to dry his cheeks again. Pansy looked at him as he did it before her eyes stopped on his forearm as he put his hand on his knee again. She frowned a little. It was still dark in the room, even with the candles, but she was sure she had seen scars on his arm. Her heart skipped a beat and she looked at Draco again, wondering if he had done that to himself, or if it came from his attack.
"I-I know... Kinda... I mean... We do everything to avoid..." He tried to explain, unsuccessful. But Pansy understood. "Still, I have those nightmares and it seems so... Real... It feels real... What if it's bound to happen?" He asked, remembering his conversation with Lupin about that. Still, he was afraid it would happen one day. The more he was getting older, the stronger he was getting. He wasn't only growing up in his human form, he had changed as a werewolf. And his strength had changed too. His aggressiveness had changed too.
"It's been three years and you didn't, you told me yourself... You're not dangerous, because you're careful... You're not going to do anything to them..."
"But I already did," Draco said, even more quietly than before. Pansy raised her eyebrows, taken aback. Had he hurt one of his parents? "I ruined everything, I'm... Filthy and I'm... I don't even know what you're doing there... You shouldn't associate yourself with me... I don't even know why they still-"
"Because they love you..." Pansy said, implying that it was also the reason she was still with him. "Very much, you're... You're too important for them to throw you out."
"But I'm useless," Draco said as he frowned a little, still staring at the fireplace in front of them. Pansy opened her mouth slightly but she had nothing to say at that moment, she had to think about the right words. She understood what he meant, of course. He wasn't the pure-blood son he had been during nine, almost ten years anymore.
"They clearly don't measure their love for you based on your utility, Draco," she said. Draco turned his head to look at her, narrowing his eyes a little. "You're their son. They love you more than anything in this world, they wouldn't abandon you because you've changed."
"Of course they would... You know it," he said. Yes, Pansy knew the way it was working. In this kind of family, people were disowned as soon as they were crossing the line. She pursed her lips. That was the point. He was still there, and they were still very affectionate with Draco. It didn't change anything.
"So tell me... Tell me why you're still in the Manor? Why you're still exchanging letters with your father? Why your mother is still sending you so many things and making sure you're ok almost every single day? If they didn't want you with them anymore, they could have easily shown you their feelings a long time ago. But they didn't, did they?"
"Probably because they don't have other children... I keep telling myself that if I marry some pure-blood girl, it might be ok but... No one is going to want to marry me. I'm disgusting and they wouldn't associate themselves with me... What a shame it would be."
Pansy couldn't say anything, because she knew that he was right. He probably would never find someone matching the beliefs of his family to marry him. Unless it was arranged, but Pansy couldn't see Draco stuck in an arranged marriage. Draco was a passionate boy. He couldn't live this kind of life. He was curious, doing a lot of different stuff, and Pansy knew that deep down, he would want someone with who he would be able to share the things he liked, he would want a friend and not some girl he was forced to marry. He would need love.
"I mean, if they had had another children, I'm pretty sure they would have disowned me... But do they really have a choice, if they want the line to keep going? You know how I see my future?" He asked without planning on explaining it and without expecting an answer.
But Pansy thought about what he said. They didn't have another child. They could have, they still could actually, but they weren't having another one. She wondered if Draco was enough for them, if they were still satisfied with him. If his happiness was more important than the rest.
"What if... What if you, being the way you are," she said, still not able to say that he was a werewolf, it was too weird, "What if it made them think about it? What if they-"
"They still believe in all that stuff, nothing has changed about that..." Draco whispered, knowing what Pansy was trying to tell. "At least, I don't think so," he said.
"Have you ever talked about it with them?" Draco closed his eyes as he shook his head. Of course not, he would never dare. He was too afraid. If he was talking to them about it, the problem would become too real. "Do you want this kind of future?" And again, he shook his head, not sure about what he wanted but knowing that it wasn't an arranged marriage with some girl disgusted by him.
Maybe dying alone was a solution. Maybe ending the Malfoy line was the solution. It seemed like his fate was to be the family disappointment. He sighed and held Pansy's hand more tightly too. They stayed silent for a moment before, smiling a little, Pansy talked again.
"So, Granger, huh?" She whispered. "Is it really a future you could imagine?" Draco slowly looked at her, thinking about Hermione. About Hermione smiling, about Hermione laughing because of him. For a second, he felt a warm wave going through his body, followed by a shiver going down his spine when that warm feeling left his body again. "She's good looking," Pansy said as she shrugged. Draco snorted as he turned his head again, shaking his head. He sighed heavily.
"I'm so fucked..." He whispered. Pansy looked at him again and, finally letting go of his hand, she elbowed him softly.
"Well, at least, you're not a lesbian," she said. Draco finally chuckled as he met her eyes. It was weird, like some of the heavy weight that had been resting on his shoulder for the past couple of months was lifted. "We're both doomed."
And like that, Draco leaned into a hug. They had never stayed so long without talking to each other. But Draco could understand the way she had reacted. And he was glad to see that she could see past the situation because their friendship was more important.
Maybe it was because they were young, maybe that later, realizing what it all meant, she would ditch him just to be sure she wouldn't be seen as some kind of blood-traitor. Or maybe, maybe it was because they were both doomed. Maybe that's why they had got closer the year before. Maybe that's why she had listened to him, maybe that's why he had listened to her and had held her hand as she was crying, realizing the way she was feeling. Maybe that's why their friendship was stronger than this, because even if they were doomed, they would be together.
"Well, we're not going to have a bright future. If your parents want to force you into a marriage, send me a letter. I'll be forced to find a husband too," Pansy said as she laughed quietly, still holding Draco. This one let his head rest on her shoulder as he moved one of the hand he had on her back. Automatically, like they had done the year before, they joined their pinky fingers without having to look at each other or to say anything.