A/N: WARNING: You'll need some warnings before reading the beginning of this one, in my opinion. Just in case, you know. I just want to tell you that it's a bit "gore" (for lack of a better word), and one character (i wonder who that is) will throw up + there will be a panic attack. But that's it. I wanted to tell you just in case one of you might be bothered by this.
And another thing, the next chapter will be the last about their fourth year, normally. And then, their fifth year will begin. I have planned so many things for this, I'm really excited! I hope you guys will like this one. The bit about Pansy wasn't planned in the beginning but I liked it (and I loved including Madam Pomfrey too).
Draco was sitting in one of the dark corner of the huge room, hiding his face behind his hands as he brought his knees against his bare chest. His body was shaking, not only because of his sobs but because of his fear. He was so terrified, his heart was beating fast and his throat was hurting with every breath. He couldn't look up again. Not ever. Not to see their dead bodies on the floor, in their own blood, right after having savagely murdered them.
As another strangled sob echoed against the walls of the Manor, he felt hands on his shoulders, then on his wrists.
"It's alright, Draco, it's fine," he heard Hermione whisper. He slowly looked up, his red eyes meeting her smiling face. It wasn't fine. Nothing would ever be fine again. And how did she get there? And why was she smiling when he was crying? Didn't she see the bodies?
Draco slowly moved his head to look behind Hermione. They were still there, their eyes wide open, staring at nothing, bathing in their own blood.
"It's not your fault, you didn't ask for this," Hermione said and he felt her fingers on his cheek as she made him look at her again. But her hands weren't warm. Her touch was cold and a shiver went down his spine as he tried to take a long breath. Of course, it was his fault. She wasn't making any sense. It wasn't normal.
He knew it. He knew, deep down, that the situation was odd. That it wasn't supposed to happen, and that this reaction wasn't the one she should have. He had killed his parents, he had blood all over himself.
And still, Hermione smiled. She smiled and then, she softly brushed his cheek with her cold fingers. That's when Draco noticed the hand coming on her shoulder. He slowly looked up to see the man standing almost next to her. Draco's heart skipped a beat when he recognized Lupin. It had been so long. Almost a year. He had missed the man so much. He had missed his voice and his smile.
But Lupin wasn't smiling. Or at least, not like he was usually smiling. It wasn't warm, it wasn't kind, it was frozen. And his eyes weren't reflecting Lupin's usual liking. There was no warmth in the man's attitude and Draco didn't like that.
"You said it yourself, Draco. You're a monster," he articulated. It was funny, because lately, Draco had felt like he was forgetting how Lupin was sounding like. But clearly, he could still remember his voice. And now, he was sure that he wasn't going to forget it. "You will hurt the people you love. Don't tell me that you actually are surprised?"
"Is it true, Draco?" He heard Hermione ask. This time, it sounded more like a supplication. But he wasn't able to look at her right away, not when Lupin was staring at him with such disdain. "Did you know it would happen? Why didn't you leave us before, then?" It was cold, now, hurt. He looked at her again. She was crying, her tears being mixed with the blood dripping from her face.
Draco felt dizzy. His breath was heavy, he wasn't even able to close his mouth, like he was panting. He felt his tears rolling down his cheeks again, as well as his sweat on his temples. When had he scratched her over the face? It was horrible. He had rarely seen something so horrifying. He hated this vision. She wasn't looking like anything he had known. She wasn't beautiful, she wasn't pure, her face was broken. Draco felt like he was going to throw up just by looking at her for too long. How was such a pretty face capable of looking so gruesome?
Draco looked down at his hands. They were covered in blood and he felt his head spin again.
And once more, the horrible pain struck him as he screamed. And he wanted to call for help, but he couldn't articulate anything, it was too painful. And when he looked up, no one else was there anymore, he was in the forest, suffering and changing once more.
.
"Mr. Malfoy! Mr. Malfoy!" He was being shaken and when he opened his eyes, startled, he discovered Madam Pomfrey in her dressing gown. She had been the one shaking him to wake him up. And apparently, she had been trying to get him out of his nightmare for more than a few seconds. She looked terrified. But probably not as much as Draco who almost fell off the bed when he suddenly woke up.
He was sweating and panting, like in his dream. He could feel his humid shirt against his skin and his lungs were burning him. Apparently, he had really been screaming, because he had woke the nurse up and she had directly hurried to see what was going on. He was shaking, his fingers clenched on the blanket so hard that they were hurting. He kept hearing Lupin's words in his head, Hermione's cries, and he could hear his own fast respiration. It was the same he had had in his nightmare and he felt like going outside. His body was burning.
The image of his parents dead on the floor came back in his mind and he only felt revulsion for a moment. It took over the fear, the horror. He tried to get out of his blankets, feeling bad. Seeing how distressed he was, Madam Pomfrey herself removed the covers and let Draco just sit on the edge of the bed, his feet meeting the cold floor. He tried to swallow his spit but something was blocking his throat.
And when he remembered Hermione's face again, he felt such a violent stomach cramp that he suddenly bent down, throwing up. He hadn't really eaten anything during the evening, he was too upset by that scar on his head, by his condition, he hadn't felt hungry at all. So, it was mostly water. But it was still unpleasant, his stomach was still hurting him. And he couldn't stop crying.
At first, he was surprised to feel Madam Pomfrey's hand going up and down his back. She was a nice lady, never really mean with Draco. Well, she was impatient sometimes but she had had to take care of him every months for four years now. She was actually taking care of a lot of students, all the time, and she was rarely getting a thank you. Maybe because it was her job, but still, Draco could tell that it was really important to her for everyone to be ok. She was always making sure that Draco was eating, at least a little, and was well-rested before letting him leave the hospital. When he was younger, he didn't really like being around her. But in four years, they had sometimes talked together. It was always short but she seemed genuinely surprised every time Draco was asking how she was doing when she was bringing him food in the morning. He wasn't doing it all the time, because his mood was changing a lot. But he was thinking about it more often than she would have thought.
He had asked why she had decided to become a Healer. He had asked about her family. She wasn't really talkative and Draco was fine with that. He was taking her aback every time, asking right as the question was crossing his mind. Maybe he had developed an interest in her because he knew she had been the one escorting Lupin to the Whomping Willow every full moon. He just knew she was a very good person.
But still, he was surprised to feel this gesture. Her other hand was on his shoulder and she could feel his back shake as he started to cry again. When he tried to straighten up, he felt her hand rest on his head.
"Keep your head down," she just said, pushing it a little. Draco bent again, keeping his head between his knees as he tried to breathe properly. He soon realized that being in this position was helping and his short breath became more slow after a while. And it's only then that she removed her own hand from his blond hair, leaving him the choice to sit properly again. But he didn't at first. He kept his eyes shut tight. He felt her other hand leave his shoulder and he heard footsteps echoing in the huge place. He didn't move. He wasn't feeling his tears on his cheeks anymore because they were directly falling on the floor. His face was burning hot and after another moment, he slowly straightened, wiping his cheeks with the back of his hands as he sniffed, taking another long breath. He stopped another sob from coming out, his body moving with a jolt because of it and he finally saw Madam Pomfrey's near him again. She had small bottle in her hand and Draco knew what it was.
He was tired of this Draught. He didn't feel like drinking it. He was alright. He would be alright. He just shook his head as he waved his hand, not able to talk right away. He took a deep breath and looked at his hands, still shaking. He clenched his fists and his jaw as he looked down. He felt bad. He shook his head again.
"I'm sorry," he muttered, feeling a drop of sweat rolling down his face, "I'll clean everything..." He didn't want to. It wasn't his job. Maybe she could ask a house-elf to do it anyway. But somehow, he felt like he had to do it. Because he hated when people had to do anything because of his condition.
"What is this nonsense? Now, drink this and go rinse yourself a bit in the bathroom," she said as she approached. She didn't leave him a choice, she thrust the bottle in his hands before she put one of hers on his forehead. He was burning but she was certain it wasn't fever. "Go, now, and come back in a few minutes, I want to see how you're doing," she said. Draco slowly nodded and took a moment before finally standing up. He felt a bit dizzy but he could walk.
He then went in the bathroom of the hospital, quietly closing the door behind him. He couldn't get the images out of his head. He approached the sink, putting the little bottle on it before putting his hands on the edges and looking at himself in the mirror. He was pale, still shaking slightly, his eyes were red and he could see the places the tears had touched his cheeks as they had rolled down them. He sniffed, not able to get all of these images out of his head, and he slowly wiped his cheeks with one of his hands. He felt exhausted, suddenly. He looked down at himself and grimaced. He slowly moved his hands, reaching his shirt as he tried to unbutton it. It took him more time than he thought it would and once it was opened, he bent down above the sink. He opened the tab and started to rinse his face. His body was still burning and the fresh liquid made him feel a bit better.
He felt like the sound of the water coming from the pipe was loud in the empty bathroom and when he stopped it, he just listened to the few drops still falling in the sink as he looked at himself again. He was still breathing heavily but he was also more quiet than before. The water was dripping from his face and he just stared at himself for a minute. And then, slowly, he fixed his eyes on the dressing on his forehead. It was wet, now, he could see one of the edge starting to come off his skin. He got a bit closer to the sink and carefully, he removed the dressing. He didn't grimace when he removed it, he had felt things way more painful than a dressing being removed. But he narrowed his eyes when he saw the scar on his head.
He passed a hand in his hair, removing them easily from his forehead. Wet as they were, they stayed still as he leaned to get closer to the mirror, examining his temple. It wasn't really big, it wasn't horrible. It looked like a cut, really. A bit long, not as thin as a simple cut, but no one would be able to tell a claw had made this. But he knew. And Hermione knew. And Pansy knew. Madam Pomfrey knew, Snape would know, Potter and Weasley would too. And what about his parents? What about Lupin? Lupin already had scars on his face. What if one day, Draco was like him? He clenched his jaw and again, he rinsed his face. His movements were slow and it was like he could feel his heart beat in his ears. He straightened up and looked at his pajamas again.
His pants were dirty and his shirt was soaked with sweat. He didn't even have his wand to try and clean them up, he had left it on his bedside table. He sighed heavily, glancing at the door. And that's when he noticed the new pajamas. They were on a hanger, on the door, and he figured that Madam Pomfrey had taken care of that when she went away to take the Draught. He didn't know what he would do without all this help around him. He would probably be more of a mess than he already was. Finally, he removed his shirt, glancing at the mirror, soon staring at the scars on his body. He felt like crying again. And at the same time, he felt too weak to cry, too exhausted, too weary.
He was also much skinnier than he thought he was. It was suddenly hitting him when he had never really noticed it before. He was eating more than the year before, but his anxiety about Voldemort was often making him skip meals again. And he felt bad after thinking that at least, he wasn't looking like Lupin. Draco could remember the first time he had seen him. During the year, clearly, Hogwarts made him change a little when it came to his weight, but at the beginning, he had never seen someone so skinny. And he had way more scars than he had.
Was it wrong for Draco to find comfort in these thoughts? He didn't feel like it was totally right. He sighed once again and he opened the Calming Draught, pouring the liquid in the sink. He knew that Madam Pomfrey would shove it down his throat if he was coming back with it. If it was empty, he would at least be able to avoid that.
Then, and finally, he changed. He put on the new shirt and changed his dirty pants too. The fabric was soft on his skin, fresh and was smelling kind of good. Or at least, Draco liked the smell of it. Maybe because he was used to the hospital smell and that it had something comforting him in it.
He looked at himself in the mirror again and tried to smile, thinking that it was over, that it was just a nightmare, that everything was fine. He tried to push away the images that were coming back in his head and when he felt like he was able to smell the blood again, he gripped the collar of his shirt and sniffed it for a moment, closing his eyes. With one last look at the mirror, he grabbed the small bottle and turned around to leave the bathroom, a shiver going down his spine because of his bare feet on the cold floor.
When he opened the door, Madam Pomfrey wasn't there. The room full of beds would have been empty if it weren't for the person sitting on his bed. And on the other side of the room, he could see light coming from Madam Pomfrey's office. Was she in there? And what was his godfather doing there? He took a deep breath and walked towards his bed, slowly, the sound of his every step echoing in the room. When he stopped at the end of his bed, he slightly craned his neck. Everything was clean. If someone was coming in right at this instant, they would never be able to tell what had been happening ten minutes before.
"What-" Draco began, hoarse.
"Madam Pomfrey told me what happened," Snape said as he stood up, finally turning to face Draco. With the only candle lit near his bed, Draco was able to see the concern on his godfather's face. He didn't know why he had been afraid of being scold. Of hearing that his dreams were stupid, that it wouldn't happen and that if he really was thinking that, then he was the one who was stupid. But he understood quickly that his teacher wasn't going to say anything of the sort.
"Where is she?" He asked quietly.
"In her office. She will probably come back to check on you in a bit. How are you feeling?"
Again, Draco tried to smile. He was probably looking ridiculous, with his messy hair, his ugly pajamas, his face as pale as a corpse...
"Better," he said. It was true, he was feeling better than he had when he had woken up. So it was something. Snape considered him for a moment.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Draco closed his eyes for a second. His head was hurting and he didn't feel like lying. He didn't have the energy to lie. He couldn't just say that he knew it was just a dream. But he didn't want to describe it to his godfather. It was the first time he had seen Hermione and Lupin in one of his nightmares. It used to only be his parents. But nowadays, he was afraid of disappointing more people. He was afraid of hurting more people... It was more intense for him, he didn't know if he would be able to explain it properly.
So, he just sighed.
"I just want to talk to my parents... But I guess that's not possible right now, so... I'm fine, I guess."
"Guessing isn't enough," Snape said. It wasn't cold nor a reproach. He was just stating a fact. Because Draco wasn't fine at all. And at the same time, they both knew they couldn't do anything about his own state of mind. "I can write them a letter. You could talk to them tomorrow in my office, using my fireplace, if you'd like."
For the first time in months, Draco genuinely smiled to his godfather. He couldn't help it but the perspective of hearing his parents voice, of talking to them was making him want to smile and cry at the same time. He was always going back home at least once during the year. But this time, he hadn't. And now, he was missing them horribly.
"Can you..." Draco muttered, glancing at his bed. He thought about not asking what he had in mind. Why would he bother Snape with that? And at the same time... "Do you mind... Staying here for a while?" He then asked quietly, believing his godfather was only thinking that he was acting like a child. Again, Snape only stared at him for a few seconds but then, he turned and took his wand from the inside of his robes, drawing himself an armchair.
Draco knew he wouldn't be able to sleep. He knew that he was about to lay down and be too afraid to close his eyes. He wouldn't want to close them. If he was alone, there, he would cry and think about the nightmare for hours. And the next day, he would fear the moment he would have to go back to bed. But if he was with someone he knew, maybe he would talk. Or just act differently, because he'd be forced to. He'd be forced to show he was strong, and he would contain his tears, and he would force himself to go back to sleep.
.
Draco was surprised to wake up a few hours after. He could remember being too tired to keep his eyes open, at some point. But even then, he had stayed awake for at least another half hour. But it seemed like in the end, his tiredness had got the upper hand. He had barely slept three more hours, it was really early.
He moved his covers, turning his body to discover that Snape wasn't in the armchair anymore. Instead, Hermione was there, apparently reading. She looked really focused and Draco didn't do anything, at first. He just smiled a little, staring at her face. Her face cleaned of any blood. He stared at her little frown as her eyes were moving as fast as she was reading. She cautiously turned the page and Draco smiled even more. He wanted to stay like that all day long. She was doing fine, she was healthy and still with him. And at the same time, he wanted to be in her arms.
Hermione looked up after a few minutes, discovering that her boyfriend was awake, smiling at her. She couldn't help but smile back and she directly closed her book, leaving it on the armchair as she stood up. She approached the bed, crouching next to it as her hands held one of Draco's.
"You should have told me you were awake," she whispered and Draco blinked slowly, feeling that he was about to yawn.
"It's fine, you were focused, I didn't want to bother you..." He just said quietly before he finally yawned, feeling tears in his eyes because of that. With his free hand, he wiped them away before looking at Hermione again.
"You still look so tired... Do you want me to lea-"
"No!" Draco suddenly said, even though he was still almost whispering. Hermione raised her eyebrows for a second before she smiled softly.
"Ok... But I'll have to go at some point, I need to go to class."
"I'll go to class too, we'll leave together," he said.
"Are you sure? Maybe you should rest."
"I'm fine, really..." He felt Hermione's fingers on his head, going through his hair as she smiled at him.
"Alright, then. But you need to promise that if you're too tired-"
"I'll go back to my dorm or here. I promise," he said with an amused smile.
"Something arrived for you," she then said after a few seconds, getting up. She turned her head to look at the bedside table before taking an envelope from it. "I didn't want that owl to wake you up, so I took care of it," she explained, handing him the letter. Draco straightened up as he took it. But before reading it, he glanced at the armchair. When had Snape left him? He was still there when he had closed his eyes.
"You didn't happen to... see Snape, did you?" He asked quietly.
"As a matter of fact, I did," she said. Draco looked at her, surprised.
"Really? When?" He thought that she might have seen him in the Great Hall or something. Had they eaten already? What time was it anyway?
"When I arrived. He was sitting there. But since I was here, I guess he decided to leave. What was he doing here anyway? Did something happen?"
"He was there when you... Do you mean he stayed here all night long?" Draco asked even more quietly.
"I don't know, when did he come in in the first place? Draco, did something happen?" She asked again, looking a bit more worried as she got up to be able to sit on the bed. Draco looked at his hands for a few seconds before he looked at Hermione's face again. He was hesitating, thinking about his dream again. He quickly looked away as Hermione's face came back in his mind.
"Just... I had a nightmare," he just said. Good, now she was going to think that he was ridiculous. He had a nightmare so he had needed an adult to look after him during the night... And all this panic, and the fact that he had thrown up... Ridiculous. He felt suddenly ashamed of his own behavior. He would soon be fifteen. He wasn't a child anymore. "But it's fine, really. I'm good, Snape just happened to be there, I guess he decided to stay," he lied, still not looking at her and he opened the envelope.
Hermione knew something had happened as soon as she had walked in the hospital wing, actually. First of all, because Snape was there. When he saw Hermione, so early in the morning, he had greeted her with a "Miss Granger" before getting up, saying that he would go, since the day was going to start soon. She had been a bit surprised, she hadn't even said anything. Then, when she had approached Draco who was still asleep at the time, and she had directly noticed the missing dressing. Then, the small bottle on his bedside table and the new pajamas. Later, when Madam Pomfrey had come to check on him, as Hermione was taking the letter from Draco's owl. The nurse had asked if he had woken up and when Hermione answered negatively, she told Hermione it was a good thing because he really needed to rest.
Now, she wanted to know more about this nightmare. From the only things she knew about Draco's dreams, she knew it was always horrible for him. She knew from his Boggart that he was afraid of hurting his parents as a werewolf. Harry had confirmed that he was having nightmares about it the year before when he had listened to Draco's conversation with Lupin. Even Theo knew about his nightmares, sharing his dorm. Draco had never wanted to talk much about it and she also knew that he had been discussing those dreams with Lupin a few times. So, she had never asked too many questions about it, knowing that there were some things he needed to take care of by himself. If he really wanted to talk to Hermione about it, he would. She looked at Draco again, who was reading the letter that had come this morning, not yet knowing it was from Lupin.
.
When I left last year, I asked Madam Pomfrey to tell me if anything was happening to you. She kept me informed of your injuries and your mood when you were in the hospital. So, as you probably figured out by now, she told me about last night's incident. You told me you didn't have those nightmares in months, were you lying to me, or is there something making you anxious enough to have this kind of nights again? Does it have anything to do with Voldemort and your parents? You know that you can talk to me about anything. I had to learn from Sirius that you met him. If you want my opinion, and I know you are not asking for it, you should stay out of this as much as you can. Like Sirius said in his last letter to Harry, he should focus on the tournament and his friends will help him with that. I believe you should try to focus on your exams, your friends and Hermione. Maybe those things will keep the dreams away. If they don't, I want you to tell me. This is not a proposition of some sort, you have to tell me. And I want you to tell me about this one. What happened in it, this time? Madam Pomfrey told me you've been sick and you were really panicky. She told me you've always had nightmares, especially during your first year at Hogwarts, but that she had never seen you have such a violent reaction to them. Know that I am only worried for you.
Now, don't be mad at Madam Pomfrey for this, I'm the one who wanted to know everything. She wants what's good for you too. It may have escaped your notice but more people than you think care about your well-being. Please, answer as soon as you read this letter, I'll be waiting for your response.
Remus
.
Damn him and his good intentions. Draco clenched his jaw as he looked away.
"Everything's alright?" Hermione asked quietly, glancing at the letter.
"Yeah," Draco sighed, "It's just Lupin. I have to write back now, if that's ok."
"Sure, don't worry about it," Hermione said as she stood up again. She leaned to kiss Draco's cheek before she went to sit on the armchair. Once again, she noticed that Draco was staring at her.
"Is... Do you want me to leave you alone to do this?" She asked, quite surprised.
"No, no. Of course, not. Stay here, please," he said with a little smile. But he wasn't moving. Hermione touched her hair.
"Is there something wrong? Do I have something on my face?" She asked quietly and Draco chuckled.
"Nah, nothing..." She was beautiful. No injury, no blood... No nothing. And finally, he took care of his letter, starting to describe his dream to Lupin. When it came to talk about him and Hermione, it became more difficult. He couldn't help but glance at her sometimes, but she was reading. He was afraid that even from where she was, she would know he was writing about her.
When he was done with it, he told Hermione that he would go change before going to class, and he went in the bathroom again to do this and to brush his teeth. When he got out, he had to force Hermione to stop reading.
"But we still have a bit more time," she just said.
"Don't you want to come to the Owlery with me first? I need to send this," he just said. She glanced at her book, then at Draco, then at her book again. When she looked at Draco again, he was smiling and she rolled his eyes.
"Fine, but it's only because you're irresistible, with that smile," she said, making Draco chuckle. He walked backwards towards the exit, stretching his arm and his hand in Hermione's direction. She quickly grabbed her bag and joined Draco, interlacing their fingers.
"Don't find excuses, you just can't say no to me," he said before stopping to peck Hermione's lips.
"Don't start now, or you'll go send your letter alone," she said with an amused smile, kissing him again before pulling him out of the hospital.
On their way to the Owlery, Hermione told Draco about Sirius last letter. He wanted Harry to focus on the tournament only, he didn't want him out of the castle once. Draco said that Lupin had mentioned it, and he asked how they were supposed to help him with the third task.
.
During the following days, the trio started to practice different spells in Classroom 6B. Draco was sometimes joining them but wasn't taking part in the practice. He was just really happy to see Ron being stunned loads of times while he was "studying" for his exams. He was mostly working when he was in the library, sometimes with his own friends, sometimes with the trio who was looking up different spells they could learn when Ron and Hermione weren't studying. He was still not talking so much to Harry and Ron, he was sometimes having really short talks with Harry but it was only that. At least, and for Hermione's greatest pleasure, there was no argument of any sort between them.
It's only some time later that something significant happened. During one of Harry and Ron's divination classes, Harry fell asleep, only to dream about Voldemort torturing Peter Pettigrew. Of course, he went directly to tell Dumbledore, overhearing a conversation about Bertha Jorkins between the Headmaster, Professor Moody and Cornelius Fudge.
That's also the moment he discovered Dumbledore's pensieve, seeing some pretty important memories about Karkaroff, Snape, Ludo Bagman and Barty Crouch Jr. Those events were followed by a long conversation with Dumbledore, who explained that Snape used to work for Voldemort but that he had changed before his fall, and that he had been acting as a spy ever since.
Dumbledore made sure that Harry knew that Snape and Ludo Bagman never did anything with Dark Magic since Voldemort's fall. He also asked Harry not to talk about Neville's parents to anyone yet. Harry couldn't help but feel terrible for Neville, now that he knew why Crouch's son and those other three Death Eaters had been imprisoned for. He wouldn't talk about it to anyone.
But of course, he arranged a meeting in Classroom 6B to be able to tell his friends and Draco all about the rest, and to send a letter to Sirius. The first thing he mentioned was the conversation about Bertha Jorkins before directly telling them about Barty's trial.
He talked about him being with three other Death Eaters and Draco knew who they were. Or at least, two of them. He couldn't remember the name of the last one. Draco knew why this trial had taken place. He knew about Neville's parents. His father had talked to him about it when he had asked why Bellatrix had been sent to Azkaban, long ago. He had heard a conversation between his parents about her and had understood that she hadn't been sent there just because she had served Voldemort. But that it happened some time after his fall. His mother had been saying that she should never have done something like that but his father believed that she would have been imprisoned anyway, because she would have done anything to bring him back and she would have never denied her affiliation to him just to be free. Draco didn't know if it was such a bad thing for her to be locked in Azkaban. He was fine without her around. She wouldn't be as pleasant as his parents about his condition. Because she would know for sure... She seemed very intrusive.
And when Draco had asked about it, his father had seemed a bit disconcerted. Should he talk to his eleven year old son about the torture she and her friends had inflicted to the couple? All in order to bring the Dark Lord back? This man that would kill Draco without hesitating to teach Lucius a lesson about his loyalty? He had been very reluctant but in the end, he had told him. He had told him because Draco needed to know what they were capable of, what even his own father would have done if he had been so loyal. He needed to know that he was more important than that, for Lucius, that he was above that, that he was more than fine with Voldemort being dead as long as his wife and his son were alive, healthy and happy. Because he was loyal to his family, he would always be.
"And he gave his son and the others to the Dementors after that," Harry said, crossing his arms as he leaned against a table. Draco, who was sitting on one of them, finally focused on the boy who was talking.
"The others... Two of them were the Lestranges," he said. Hermione directly glanced at him. "Remember, the married couple Sirius mentioned," he added. Harry nodded. "I don't know who's the last one though. But one thing is sure, the Lestranges are still in Azkaban, so they're not the ones working to bring You-Know-Who's back..."
"How do you know who they are?" Ron asked and Draco glanced at him. He knew that Hermione was still staring at him and he didn't look at her. He just shrugged, lying naturally to Ron.
"My father simply told me about them years ago. I didn't know they were arrested with Crouch's son, though, or I would have told you," he explained. Besides, it wasn't really a lie. He was just not telling that they were related. And at least, they weren't going to think of them as suspects. Draco knew they were still in Azkaban, probably rotting there, totally mad.
Draco had also noted that Harry had just said they were trying to bring Voldemort back. He didn't say how they were trying to do it, who they were trying to use to get information... So, he didn't talk about it either. He got that he wanted to keep that secret.
Draco had been bullying Neville a lot, for no reason in particular. It wasn't because he was Alice and Frank's son and that he was proud of what his aunt had done. It was just because Neville was really not good at anything, from what he could tell. It was simply a great deal of fun. Still, he had stopped doing that every so often since his relationship with Hermione had been made public. He was still mocking him sometimes, especially when he was with Pansy, and Hermione had told him off a few times but making efforts was hard. He really was trying but sometimes, the temptation was too strong. He was bullied too, now, he could understand what it was feeling like. He didn't like it, and it was making things better for Neville. But when Draco was too frustrated, he couldn't help but be mean again.
He started to focus on the conversation again, pushing away Neville's face from his head as he heard Harry explain the situation with Snape. Draco wasn't exactly surprised to hear that he was a Death Eater. Of course, he was. What was making less sense was the way he had suddenly changed to work as a spy. Were is parents aware of that situation? Was he spying on them? Then, Dumbledore probably knew that they were completely innocent, this time.
Was he really taking care of Draco because he was also important for him? Because his father was his best friend? Because he loved the time spent talking with his mother, who was a very close friend too? Or was it just to be sure nothing would happen again?
He couldn't answer to any of those questions and he couldn't ask them to anyone either. What if he was talking to his parents about it? What if they were arguing with Snape, chasing him, not talking to him anymore? Who would make his potion without any risk of his secret being exposed? Who would take care of him in the castle? Who would listen to him and talk to him about this situation the way Snape was doing it? What would he do without his godfather? And what if Voldemort was coming back only to learn from his father that Snape had betrayed him and was currently working against him? He would kill Snape right away. What if he was talking to Snape about it? He would get angry, ask how he had discovered the truth, he would only create problems and questions he wouldn't be able to answer to without betraying the trio. Hermione would never forgive him, would she?
He just couldn't. He glanced at Hermione, who was still focused on him. She raised her eyebrows like she was asking if he was fine but he wasn't able to answer in any way. He didn't know how he was doing exactly. Everything was starting to be very confusing again. He just glanced at Harry and kept listening to the conversation.
"And Dumbledore trusts him? Even though he knows he was a Death Eater?" Ron asked, also sitting on a table.
"Yes," Harry said before he turned his head to look at Draco. "What d'you reckon?"
"Huh?" Draco let out, taken aback.
"About Snape," Harry said, tilting his head a little. Was Draco even listening? "Do you think we can trust him despite all of this?" Draco considered Harry for a moment before he glanced at Ron, doing the same. Weasley seemed calm, not even excited at the perspective of accusing Snape again. He was waiting, like Harry.
Were they seriously asking for his opinion on the matter? That was a bit weird...
"Don't you think my opinion is a bit subjective?" He then asked quietly, meeting Harry's eyes again.
"It can be, probably," Harry said as he shrugged. "But I think we all know here that you are rational enough to discern what's subjective in what you think and what isn't." Draco kept staring at Harry for a few seconds before he looked away, thinking about the situation.
"You know... I've never known a lot about Snape. I mean... I didn't even know he used to work for You-Know-Who, even though it really doesn't surprise me, since he knew about my father and they've talked about it a few times very freely. They really stopped talking about it when I was... You know. Or at least, they didn't in front of me. It was over. You-Know-Who wasn't there anymore anyway, we were doing fine... So I never knew about Snape, and I don't believe he intended for me to know." Draco looked down, thinking about it. He had never heard Snape use the word "Mudblood", he wasn't really joining in the conversation when the subject of Muggle and Muggle-borns was brought up in the Manor, he was always just listening. But he had been helping them for years, he had been close to them since his Hogwarts days, surely, he couldn't be totally lying to them. He liked them, he was caring about them, wasn't he?
What if he wasn't? What if that was why he hadn't thought about Draco when he had revealed Lupin's secret? Maybe Snape hadn't minded because he was hoping people would realize about him too? To ruin their lives. But he wanted Draco's forgiveness. Why? Why did he want him to confide in him so much if it wasn't to tell anyone about it? Was it just because he wanted Draco to feel better? Draco couldn't tell anymore. All he knew was that he had grown up with Snape around, that he had always been helping him. For years now.
He had played with him as a kid, he had annoyed him a lot, Snape had read stories to him, he had listened to him, he had taught him a lot of things... You don't force yourself to help people so much if you don't care about them, especially since Voldemort fell years before Draco's attack. He had no reason to. If he was doing it, it was because he was caring. Draco looked at Harry again.
"I trust him. He's not... Just all bad. It may sounds crazy for you, or just weird, but I grew up having him around, and I know that even if he's an ass most of the time with you guys, there's a part of him... He cares about some things. So, yeah, I personally trust him but again, I have my reasons. Dumbledore probably has his own."
After the meeting, which ended later than they wanted, Hermione told them they would work on the Impediment Curse the next day. Harry and Ron left the couple together in the classroom and Hermione asked Draco if he would be there for the practice. He just said that he wanted to spend some time with Pansy too because she was starting to ask a lot of questions and he was missing hanging out with her.
"I get it," Hermione said with a gentle smile. It was true. Lately, he had spent a lot of his time with the trio. Even if he was seeing Pansy and staying with her too, even if they were together in the common room at the end of the day, it wasn't the same as before. And Pansy knew it would happen, of course, but she was missing him, and he was missing her. Hermione could tell that he was looking in her direction, sometimes, when she was coming to work in the library where he already was with Hermione and her friends. And she didn't want Draco to feel forced to spend so much time with them just because they were together. "Are you going to talk to her about all of this at some point? About why you actually stay with Harry and Ron too, not just with me?" Draco took a deep breath, looking away for a moment, thinking.
"You know, Pansy... It's already miraculous that she accepted everything about me... I mean... Not only what I am, but that I date you... She grew up believing the same things as my family and she has absolutely no reason to doubt all of this, unlike myself." Hermione nodded as she sat on the table, leaning against Draco who smiled a little. "And now, she accepted to be a blood traitor because... I don't know, I didn't think I mattered this much for her. But all of this... This is next level," he added, "It's too soon. We don't even know if anything will really happen. But if it does, yes, I will talk to her immediately. I have to, I have to protect her. For now, I just want her to be safe. I don't need her to worry about all of this."
"I wanted to ask..." Hermione said. Draco turned his head, trying to see his girlfriend's face. He slowly interlaced their fingers together, squeezing her hand.
"You know, you can finish what you're saying," he said with a little smile. Hermione looked at him, smiling too.
"I know, I'm just thinking. I don't want to hurt you."
"You're not going to hurt me, what is it?" Draco asked, frowning a little.
"How come she actually does... accept you? You know what I mean, I-"
"Hey, I know. Don't worry." Hermione smiled shyly and Draco leaned to kiss her softly, his free hand going on her cheek. When he broke the kiss, he met Hermione's eyes again and he smiled softly. "But come on, now. You know I'm adorable. She couldn't have resisted."
"I'm being serious, Draco," Hermione said. She was smiling but by her tone, Draco knew that he shouldn't be joking around this way, that's not what she wanted to hear.
"It's... A long story, but she's better than you think. Than anyone think. But nobody sees it, they all... No one sees who she really is... And she just can't show them and it's so, so hard for her..." Draco said, trying to smile. But it was hard. He was feeling so bad for his best friend and Hermione could see his eyes being slightly watery. She didn't understand. She wondered if something had happened to Pansy, something that was making her act this way. A bit like Draco. He had lived a lot of hard things that made him the way he was at only fifteen. She just gave him a little smile to encourage him. Draco swallowed, looking away. Hermione knew how much Pansy meant to him, and at the same time, she didn't even know the extent of their affection for each other.
She couldn't lie, she had always been afraid that Pansy may have feelings for Draco. Or that he would leave her for Pansy. She wasn't jealous when he was spending time with her, even if she knew they had another kind of complicity. She had just some fears that she had shared with Ginny. They had been talking a lot about their own relationships. Ginny had decided that maybe it was time for her to find someone else than Harry. She couldn't wait for him for the rest of her life when he might never notice her. She was getting close to a Ravenclaw boy, lately, and she had shared everything with Hermione. And Hermione was talking about the way she was feeling and she had mentioned Pansy a few times. Of course, she was trusting Draco. How could she not, when he was in this kind of situation, going against his family beliefs to be with her? And he had told himself that there was nothing between Pansy and him. She just wanted to know more about it. Maybe she would even start to want to know Pansy better. To understand her, she may start to try to talk to her more. She knew it would mean a lot to Draco. He would be so happy to see his best friend and his girlfriend getting along.
"She likes for people to think she's just a mean girl," Draco said as he shook his head a little. "Not because she is just a mean person, but because it keeps them away. I don't blame her for that, I did the same for a long time," he said with a sad smile as he glanced at Hermione. Again, she smiled at him and he felt her hand leaving his to come on the back of his neck, then in his hair. He always liked this kind of touch, and his smile got slightly bigger as he met Hermione's eyes. He wanted Pansy to feel this way with somebody that would make her smile no matter what. But it was too complicated for her, she wasn't fully accepting herself, and she was feeling like she had no way to do it in their environment. "She's got her problems too. That's... You know, that's what made us become so close. We're both troubled. But Pansy... She's got a good heart, you know." He smiled again. It was a bit strained as he felt his eyes become watery again. He turned his head when he felt a single tear starting to leave his right eye. He didn't want Hermione to see it.
She held his hand again and stared at him for a moment, surprised to see how attached Draco was. Surprised to see that just thinking about her situation was making him so sad.
"I'm sure of it," she said quietly. She would try to make efforts too. Draco wasn't the only one who had to work on some things. She was getting along well with Theo but she had never bothered to really try with Pansy. But she would, now.
She saw Draco lifting his free hand to wipe his cheek before finally looking at her again. He had now a big smile on his lips, despite his red eyes.
"Come on, let's go outside, enjoy the sun," he said as he stood up. "I'll even make you recite if you want, just to be sure you're ready for your exams." Hermione chuckled and stood up too, letting Draco lead the way, holding his hand a bit more tightly.