authorsnote: lets go go go
slightly shorter chapter, but we are leading up to something biggggg. lets get hype together.
as always do follow along, leave me your thoughts and enjoy!
songrecs: all the good girls go to hell - billie eilish
"Hey Harry" She hears her voice waver - has she always been this terrible a liar? She thinks of the three of them, her, Harry, and Ron. Are any of them good liars? No. Is she the best? Maybe, though that's no ringing endorsement.
Still the best of a bad bunch though, she isn't a terrible liar per-say but her tell (I.e. rambling), always sells her out, and as she looks across at her best friend, she knows few people know her as well as Harry knows her. Of course, he knows her tell. He'll know if she lies.
Ron's tell is he often scratches his nose when he lies, without even meaning to. But then Ron rarely does lie, he is honest (sometimes to a fault), which actually is one of his best qualities.
With Harry she knows he can lie when he needs to, when he knows what he needs to keep secret must stay a secret, but otherwise he sees no point in it, he's too noble to have a silver tongue.
But then how much does she know about her best friends lying abilities? They are the trio, they don't lie to one another.
Well, until now.
She feels like a schoolchild, sneaking in after curfew. She tries to remind herself she hasn't done anything wrong (fraternising with the enemy perhaps - as Ron would say; keeping things from her friends - as Harry would), but as Harry looks across at her, and she can see the map in his lap, can see the name 'Tom' (huh, she wonders why his last name doesn't appear on it, odd), walking down the corridor away from the Library, she knows she is busted.
"We were studying" She blurts out. You don't owe anyone an explanation! She thinks to herself, doesn't stop her mouth though. "Charms and Transfiguration, erm well Charms then Transfiguration. I mean, I know you're my partner in Charms but different perspective you know?" She knows she's flustered, but doesn't stop, can't stop, the babble has commenced.
"And Potions, yes, we're partners in potions, potions studying" She nods, a little too aggressively.
Harry doesn't say a word, just let's her tie herself in knots. He's good at that, in listening, when his rage doesn't take over.
"Just studying" She repeats, and Harry just raises an eyebrow and she flops down on an armchair.
Busted.
"Why didn't you tell me?" She hates how betrayed he sounds, and she glares at him, to which he glares back. Yeap, she's in the wrong here, but she doesn't want to admit it.
She rarely does, a poor trait of hers she knows. She feels like Tom might share that trait, or well, he'd probably never admit he was wrong because he never believes he's wrong, unlike her, she knows when she's wrong (most of the time), she just doesn't like to admit it, never has.
"There isn't loads to tell" She shrugs but Harry rolls his eyes.
"You're dating the new Slytherin gang leader Hermione!" There's some of that temper, but he doesn't erupt, not yet, she's just thankful Gryffindors aren't a morning bunch and the common room remains empty bar them.
"He is not a gang leader! He's just confident!" Crap excuse, bad excuse. Hell she thought the same of Tom!
It dawns on her (and annoys her) how she's gone from hating Tom, to liking him, to losing her virginity to him, to looking forward to a sort-of-date with him in a matter of months (barely even two).
Six weeks ago she'd have echoed Harry's statements, now she's defending him. And she wants to defend him, when she shouldn't be. She knows Tom is shady, cruel, mean, clever beyond reason, he can't be trusted, not a bit.
Yeap she is definitely in the wrong. Judgement clouded, bias, screwed.
"I didn't mean to" She mumbles, feels like a child again caught stealing sweets from the pantry (only to realise when she grew older, they were all sugar free anyway, dentist parents and all). "I didn't"
Harry's expression softens a little, and that's one thing she loves about Harry - his loyalty. She may have been sneaking behind her best friends back with Slytherins new popular boy, but Harry would never desert her over that, he embodies the Gryffindor quality of loyalty, she does too she supposes, she isn't the kind to abandon friends, she's thankful Harry is the same.
"Do you like him?" He asks and she near croaks in shock. Harry showing some emotional maturity? She wouldn't be surprised if he's practised this moment in the mirror.
"It's complicated" Harry rolls his eyes then and she rolls hers, "I'm not saying that as an excuse it is very complicated, trust me"
"No doubt" He nods and that's the Harry she remembers. "I don't need specifics" Yeap, the Harry who balks at 'girl problems' and does not want to hear about his best friend (who he probably doesn't even see as a girl), having boy problems.
Harry often is mature beyond his years, shoulders responsibilities most adults would crumble under her, but circle back to simple teenage problems? And he's got red cheeks and is hurrying away, in fact she thinks he seems a bit flushed now.
"I just want you to be okay" He offers and at that she stands and moves to sit next to him, pulls him into a hug, her head to his shoulder, his then atop of hers, natural, normal, best friends.
In the past Ron has always been Harry's best friend, both boys, met first, and she's been his best girl friend yes, but not quite there. She isn't sure when things changed, but now it does feel more equal, even different, but better. Ron is Harry's best friend yes, but she is like his sister now, family. Like siblings torn apart and raised apart, but still siblings.
"I am" Is she? She felt happy walking into the common room, but Tom is so complicated she doesn't feel she can be completely happy in this situation, how can she be? When he mocks her, disrespects her, even admitted he won't actually date her. Can't she be happy with that?
What a depressing thought.
"He is a Slytherin" Harry reminds her. Boyhood rivalries, that's the Harry she knows.
"I know" He seems to nod then, she doesn't bother with excuses. She's aware herself of how messed up it is, she won't try and excuse that, not now.
"I won't tell anyone" She squeezes him tighter then. Harry, ever loyal, she knows he won't even tell Ron (and for that she is thankful, her crush and thus anger at Ron have withered but she knows he won't take this like Harry, even Harry she knows is a little mad still, Ron would erupt).
"I don't like it though" Harry offers, there a little of that anger, but she knows Harry won't try to dictate her choices, he hates it himself, he'd never do it to anyone else.
"I know" Is all she says, for that's all there is.
She does feel better though in a way, secret out in the open, she's not ready for anyone else to know (and she's not even sure what she'd say. 'I lost my virginity to Tom, really like him and he might kind of like me but we also infuriate each other and he doesn't date?'), but she's glad Harry does in a way, and she knows his annoyance at the situation is from a place of concern, and if anyone has a reason to distrust Slytherins it is certainly Harry.
"How are things with your love life?" She asks then and she almost laughs when Harry flushes.
"Non existent" Harry says and she does laugh then, to which he smiles too, his smile always warms her.
"Plenty of girls fancy you, you know. Though some only because you're the chosen one, you don't want those girls" She offers, it's much easier giving advice to others than listening to her own.
'She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it)'
"But I am the chosen one" Harry offers cheekily back, grinning now and she laughs then and shoves him, to which he laughs too.
Better that Harry knows, though no details. Hell she feels she doesn't even know those herself.
"I'm going to bed, I slept terribly last night" She offers and Harry nods, no stranger to sleepless nights, though he is still a little pink, and she tries not to speculate why.
"I'm going to train, see you at lunch?" She nods and then pauses him and pulls him into a hug again.
"Love you Harry" Not something she says often, but something she always means.
"Love you too" Natural, like brother and sister, and as she goes to her dorm, changes, closes the curtains, silencing charms in place to block out noise, she does feel a little weight off that Harry knows. Part of her does want to tell Ron, but that's a different beast all together, one she's not yet ready to confront.
No, for now she sleeps, rests, and thinks back to the library. She even smiles, she feels changed in a way, different but in a good way, and she knows with Tom she won't be able to walk away.
Not now, maybe not ever again.
Her dreams are nicer, of Tom, his hands, lips, words, but mainly his smile.
Yeap, she won't be walking away again.
She woke a few hours later, feeling rested, but not more relaxed.
She'd fallen asleep feeling blissful, a gentle hmm throughout her body. She'd felt a little sore, a weight of her shoulders after her talk with Harry, and a little smile on her face considering she had something close to a date with Tom later.
She'd fallen asleep easy, relaxed, sore, but sated. Her mind relaxed and oddly not over analysing what had happened. She'd managed to simply be happy for a moment, sleep calling her, falling into darkness.
She supposed it was too much to hope for the same as she awoke, and her mind immediately went into overdrive.
Perhaps she should have expected it. Immediately after what had happened her mind had allowed her a few hours of calm, bliss, like a boat rocking on the waves before the storm, gentle and calm, even as the clouds rolled overhead.
But now the storm approached, lashings of rain, a rumble in the skies, a flash of lightning across her mind. No more relaxation, now she even felt slightly panicked.
What had happened?!
She remembers his hands on her, his lips on her, hiking her up against the wall, a bite of pain, the overwhelming sensation of pleasure. She can hear herself moaning, can hear Tom groaning against her neck. Even now she flushes to think of it, rubbing her thighs together. What had she done?
She wasn't a virgin anymore, innocence destroyed (not that she actually believed that), she'd given her virginity to Tom, and yet she'd always promised herself she'd wait to fall in love.
Had she?
She thinks of Tom, his arrogance, his cruelty, his complete and utter lack of empathy. What is there to love? When he can be so unkind, and nasty and conceited?
But then, to go with those awful qualities are the good ones. He's so clever, infinitely, even more so than her. So handsome, and though she's never been superficial she can appreciate his good looks. And he can be oddly sensitive … had been, as he'd kissed her gently, as he'd made the effort, as he'd clearly cared for her.
Did he care for her? She knew she cared for him, maybe even more than just caring.
What is she supposed to do? Who can she talk to about this?
Not Harry or Ron, she loves Harry, like a brother, but he always saw things in black and white as he had earlier. Gryffindor = good, Slytherin = bad, and besides she won't make him squirm with this. Ron's even worse, and maybe jealous, even though he's sucking face with Lavender, she remembers his reaction to Krum.
Ginny? Her closest female friend, no she thinks she'd have the same reaction as Harry maybe, Slytherin = bad. Luna? She'd understand some more yes, but Hermione doesn't know if they are that close. Who can she go to? Her Mother? Nope, she adores her Mum but she's not writing home about this.
Is there anyone?
She finds, she only really wants to talk to Tom.
A small sigh leaves her lips and she flops back down into bed. What is she supposed to do? Who is she supposed to talk to? Her head feels like a mess again, like he always makes it feel, confused and murky and scrambled.
She lifted her wand then to summon the time – only 11am, and she still feels exhausted, sleep had truly evaded her last night, and she can practically feel the bags under her eyes.
She knows it feels like running away, but with a bite to her lip she casts a darkening charm, snuggles back under the covers and closes her eyes, in sleep she won't have to worry that she might have fallen for the new Slytherin gang leader (as Harry had put, but was probably right about), in sleep she won't have to worry they won't ever be a couple, nor the main worry – that she is completely out of her depth.
In sleep she can just dream, and as she slips away again she can, dream of that rare smile she'd seen from him, and how it had made all the other red flags seem so worth handling.
sooo thoughts?
shorter chapter, but the next one is looking to be a doozy - the not such a date, date!
also some ppl have been asking the big questions - how is tom back? what happened? all I'll say is all will be revealed in time...
do let me know your thoughts, and I promise to be back soon
speak soon