A/N: Many thanks to SWWoman for her skill and support. And also thank you for the guest reviews that have been posted. Your comments and encouragement are much appreciated.
A More Conventional Life 2
With her thoughts in turmoil, Joss watched as John strode toward the door determined to leave her home. Just as he was about to reach the door, she was shaken out of her stupor, and jumped as if she had been shocked by electricity, then ran to stop him. He was opening the door when she placed her hand on it, palm down, and slammed the door shut. John turned, and looked at her in surprise.
"You're not leaving this house until you explain to me exactly what's going on, John," Joss demanded, breathing as if she had just sprinted a hundred yard dash. She frowned, making the small crease in her forehead that always appeared when she was annoyed. "What do you mean you can't have a life?"
John sighed, and looked everywhere, but at Joss. How could he tell her he had come there tonight to tell her he had told Zoe he didn't want her? He had come there to tell Joss that he wanted her and Taylor, but as he had looked at her, he knew it was impossible. Zoe was right, he was not relationship material. He was good for a night or a weekend, but not the life he truly wanted.
"Joss, please, just let it go," he pleaded with her, desperate to get away from her before he made a fool of himself.
Joss grabbed his upper arm in a firm grip. "No. I will not let it go. I want to know why you came here tonight, and don't tell me it was to get your coat because I won't believe you," she prodded softly, but firmly with a small smile tugging at her lips.
From the expression on John's face, that was exactly what he was about to say, and she had pulled the rug out from under him. She wanted to know why he had come there because she was hoping it was to talk about them, and their relationship. During the long talk they had the other night on the phone John had opened up to her and she had opened up to him, but she felt he was still holding back, and she didn't know why. She was really attracted to John, and had already weighed the pros and cons of being with a man like him. Hell, she was supposed to be arresting him, not dating him! But she had to find out where this attraction was taking her, and she hoped he wanted that too.
"Joss, there's no point. It wouldn't work anyway," John replied with sadness in his voice. Then he felt her grip loosen, and her hand moved smoothly up his arm to his shoulder. She stepped closer to him so that he was looking into her large, dark-brown eyes, and he couldn't look away if he wanted to.
"John, I do think there's a point, and I do think it would work," she emphasized "I do" as she spoke softly. She didn't know if that was a premonition of things to come, but she felt a small shiver as she said the words. She continued to keep her eyes fixed on his beautiful, blue-gray, eyes, waiting.
Not quite understanding what Joss was saying because she was standing so close, and her hand on his shoulder was rather distracting, especially since she was moving it up behind his neck now, John's eyes darted between her warm, brown eyes, searching. Suddenly, without thinking, he placed his hands behind her neck, and held her head with his hands cupping her face, tilting it upward to receive his fervent kiss.
John took Joss by surprise when he crashed his lips against hers, but it only took a second for her to recover and then respond just as ardently. He took her mouth over and over as they both sighed and moaned into each other's mouths, and passion erupted between them. Her fingers weaved through his soft, salt and pepper hair, holding him to her, and she felt warmth gather between her legs, spreading throughout her body like wildfire. Then he gentled his kiss, a more tender exploration of her mouth as his lips moved seductively over hers. God, this man could kiss. She was nearly senseless as he pulled her body closer to his, molding herself to him.
Joss fit against John as if she were made for him. He ran his hands over her back to the curve of her ass, and with the speed and agility of his training, spun her around until she was pressed against the door with his pelvis thrust against hers. They both gasped at the contact, and John buried his face in her neck then began to kiss and lick the sensitive area there.
"Joss…please, stop me now," John begged her as his hands on her hips pressed him even closer to her.
"What if I don't want you to?" Joss breathed out as her head nestled his against her shoulder. She didn't want to stop. She had dreamed of this for so long, and now her dreams were reality.
"Then I will have to stop for both of our sakes." With his last shred of control, John lifted his head, kissed Joss tenderly, and with a shuddering breath stepped away from her.
Desire was etched into John's face, and Joss could see the amount of control he was having to use to reign it in. What she didn't know was, "Why?" she asked in confusion.
A look of tenderness filled his eyes. "Because I care about you too much."
"I care about you too," Joss answered, and took a step forward as he took a step back.
With a sad smile John slowly shook his head. "It would never work for us, Joss. It's just not meant to be. You need someone you can build a life with, someone who can be a father to Taylor…someone…you can marry," he choked on the last because he would love nothing more than to marry her, and be a good husband to her, but that would never happen.
Suddenly Joss stopped her forward progress toward John, and a curious expression came over her face. One John recognized as retreat, but also with determination which concerned him. What was she playing at? He wondered. He was about to find out.
"Okay, John. Leave. But I want you to remember something as you go. You can run, but not far enough. You can hide, but not where I can't find you. I caught you once, I can catch you again," Joss said with a sly smile on her lips, and John knew she was not talking about arresting him. "And one more thing, if I want something, I go for it, with everything I have, and I have never failed yet. And I want you." As she had spoken this last line with soft determination she had steadily made her way towards him, and when she reached him, she reached up, took his mouth in a searing kiss that touched his soul then pulled back only slightly. "You can remember that, too," she whispered against his lips. Then she stepped fully away from him. "I'll see you soon, John."
John was at a complete loss at what to say, so he stepped around Joss, got his coat, and left the house with his mind buzzing with what she had said. He would remember….how could he forget? More still, how could he defend himself against her….and did he want to?
The bravado Joss had displayed while speaking to John crumbled around her like ashes when she heard the door close behind him. She had talked a good talk, but could she walk the walk? With her shoulders slumped, she made her way once again back to her comfortable couch in the den. She sat dejectedly as she tried to think of how she could get through to John that he could have a life, and he could have one with her and Taylor. She just had to get him to believe it.
Every goal she had ever set for herself in her life, she had accomplished through sheer strength of will, grit, and intelligence. She wasn't sure just sheer strength of will and grit was going to cut it this time. She was going to have to come up with a plan to circumvent the armor he used to shut himself away from everyone else, including her.
Joss had to think of this as going into battle. She had strategically retreated tonight, but had let John know she wasn't done yet, and had given him her "battle cry" so to speak. He would be on alert for any overt demonstrations of affection, so she would have to approach this with stealth. She knew he was attracted to her, that had been apparent tonight, but could she use that to her advantage?
Slowly, a plan began to emerge in her mind, and a small smile curved her lips, but it didn't last long. She knew she had an uphill battle with John, and she didn't know all the pitfalls she might encounter along the way, but she loved him, and anything worth having was worth fighting for.
Joss got to her feet to walk to the stairs that led to the upper floor. She had to pass through the foyer to get to the head of the stairs, and as she got there, she stopped, remembering how John's hands, lips, and body had felt against hers. Her body flushed with heat as she remembered his pelvis thrust hard against hers then she closed her eyes, and shook her head, willing the memories away, but they wouldn't go.
As she turned, and trudged up the stairs to her bedroom, Joss knew this was going to be a very long night.
While Joss was busy trying to figure out how to get through to John, he was making his way home, and arrived fifteen minutes later since he didn't live that far from her. His mind and emotions were in such a state, he didn't even remember the walk home. All he remembered was what she said to him before he left, and one thing stuck in his mind more than anything. She wanted him.
Joss Carter wanted him, John Reese. A murderer, a criminal wanted by the NYPD, FBI, and the CIA, not to mention all the other enemies he had managed to make in his long career in the underworld. He walked in the dark, he was the dark. How many times had Kara Stanton, his partner in the CIA drilled that into his head until he believed it? He wasn't even of the same species, she had once said, because of all the evil things he had done.
John felt like he was walking underwater, as he undressed and fell into bed. Immediately images of him and Joss together in her foyer came rushing back to him, and he squeezed his eyes shut tight, hoping they would fade. They didn't.
After a while though, because John was so exhausted, mentally and physically, he drifted off to sleep, but his dreams were disturbed by scenes of a little boy with thick, dark, hair, stoically standing over the grave of his father without a tear in his eyes while his mother cried bitterly for the loss of her only love, her husband. John tossed in his bed as he heard hushed voices speaking of the heroism of the little boy's father, and yet the little boy showed no emotion at the loss.
Why? John heard. Was it the little boy's thoughts John was hearing or were they his own? What did the question "Why?" mean? "Why" did the boy's father have to die or "Why" didn't the boy cry? John continued to toss and turn in his bed as the question of "Why?" became louder and louder in his dream. Was it the boy asking "Why?" or was it John asking "Why?"? Soon John's voice, and the little boy's voice were co-mingled, getting louder and louder until finally John woke up in his bed, sitting up, screaming "Why?" with his whole body shaking from the intensity and vividness of the dream.
John took a few deep, calming breaths, and ran his hand over his face, trying to get his bearings. When he had gotten himself together, he thought back on the dream. It had been so clear, as if he were standing right beside the little boy. He knew the little boy was him at his father's funeral. He hadn't thought of his father, the accident, or the funeral in decades, why would it come to him now?
Slowly getting out of bed, he went to his small kitchenette, and got a bottle of water out of the refrigerator, twisting the top then taking a long swig that took half the bottle. He walked over to his small window, and looked out at the calm night that was so unlike his troubled sleep. He had never processed his father's death, and didn't see any reason to do it now. It was just a dream.
Twisting the lid back on the bottle, he went back to his bedroom, and lay back down, placing the bottle on the nightstand. He placed his hands under his head, and stared up at the ceiling.
With the question, "Why?" , and the little boy's voice still echoing in the back of his mind, John eventually drifted back to a restless sleep.
A/N: Why would John's dreams be disturbed by his fathers death now? Were there things in his childhood that he had repressed, and were just now emerging because of his torment over his belief that he couldn't have a normal life...with Joss? So many questions. See you soon...