A/N: Thanks SWWoman! Two posts in one week! I think that's a record. Please enjoy...
A More Conventional Life 10
At first Joss just stared at John, unable to comprehend what he said. How could John have failed his father at his graveside? He was only eleven when his father died, and to be blunt…his father was dead. She watched John get up from the couch, and begin pacing in agitation. She got up herself, and walked over to him standing in front of him to make him stop. He looked down at her, and that look of regret appeared again in his bright blue eyes. She placed her hands on his chest as he placed his at her waist.
"John, how could you have failed him? You were only eleven when he passed," her hands had drifted to his shoulders, and she began to knead the tight muscles with her fingers.
As Joss massaged his shoulders with her gentle fingers, John looked into her warm brown eyes, and once again saw them filled with love and understanding, but also confusion. He couldn't blame her for being confused after his statement because he had to admit he was pretty confused himself. He had to try to explain to her from the beginning, and then maybe his own emotions would become clear. He reached up, and took her hands from his shoulders, clasping them in his own, then led her back to the couch. They sat side by side quietly until John was able to gather his thoughts.
"When my father died…my Mom…was a wreck. I was only eleven, but I knew I had to be strong for her," John began slowly," and I was. But I had also heard how my Dad had selflessly, at the risk of his own life, went back to save those other people." He paused to take a breath before continuing, "I made a vow at his graveside that I would dedicate my life to help people just…like he did," he finished with a sob, and once again jumped from the couch. He walked a few steps away from Joss then turned with tears streaming silently down his face. "I failed him," he whispered wretchedly.
Joss watched the pain and grief wrack John's body, and she was immediately in his arms, whispering words of comfort and reassurance to him. His strong embrace held her close to his body as he buried his face in her neck. She held him as his body shook with the force of his guilt and remorse. Her hands ran over his back soothingly while he sobbed, and he held her closer.
Soon the sobs quieted, and John's trembling body calmed. He raised his head with eyes still bright with unshed tears, and saw the concern in Joss's ebony eyes. She then reached up with a soft caress, and wiped at his wet face. His eyes closed at the gentle touch, and suddenly all of the evil he had done in the CIA flashed behind his closed lids. He pushed out of her embrace abruptly, taking a step away, and turned from her. He felt …contaminated. He wasn't worthy to be with her. Then he felt her step up behind him, and place her gentle hands against his back.
"John, you didn't fail your father," Joss said softly. "Think of all the lives you have saved, the people you have helped, including myself, and my son." She knew he had a dark past, but what more could he do to atone for those sins short of giving his own life? She knew he would do it if it meant saving someone else. He was lied to when he was ordered to do the things he had done. They told him his country needed him for god's sake!
When John spun around he had a look in his eyes Joss had never seen before. It was dangerous, almost lethal. "You have no idea what I've done. The lives I have taken…the families I've destroyed." His voice was a low whisper. "Men, women, children…all dead. Collateral damage they called them, but it was useless destruction, and I let it happen!" By the time he had finished his voice was a gravely whisper, his eyes tortured, and his hands fisted at his sides.
It broke Joss's heart to see the suffering he was experiencing. But they were…orders. Soldiers are ordered to do horrendous things, and she could only imagine what the CIA made its agents do. However, Joss was not deterred by his aggressive confession. She grabbed his cheeks, making him look directly in her eyes so that he could see that his words did not change how she felt about him.
"John, you were deceived. Lied to, and led astray, but you have done everything but sacrifice your own life to help people. What more can you do?" Joss asked fiercely.
John stared down at Joss, and he wondered again how he could have been so lucky to earn this woman's love and devotion. As he gazed into her eyes, he began to hope that she was right. Maybe he could fulfill his promise to his father, and she could quiet the demons that had followed him relentlessly most of his life. Her eyes softened, and she said quietly, "I love you, John. Past, present and future. All of you, beginning to end." Then she wrapped her arms around him and pressed her lips to his, pouring all of her love into the kiss.
John returned her kiss, the torrent of emotions coursing through him driving his passion. He picked Joss up, and carried her to his bed, divesting them both of their clothing quickly. Their lovemaking was hard and fierce, giving and taking in equal measure. When their climaxes finally came they were explosive, mind-numbing, and rapturous.
With Joss curled into his side John struggled to catch his breath. He couldn't believe how free he felt after talking to Joss about his father …and his past. He felt like he could tell her anything, and she wouldn't judge him, or reject him.
"What are you thinking about?" John heard Joss ask softly, and he looked down to see her eyeing him questioningly.
Pulling her closer, John responded with a smile, "About how much I love you, and how I can't wait to build a future with you." Joss smiled, and snuggled closer to him, and they both drifted into a peaceful sleep.
Unknown to the sleeping lovers the powers that be were conspiring to make that future more difficult to achieve than they thought possible.
The following morning Finch stopped walking abruptly when he heard the phone next to him begin to ring. Walking over, he picked up the handset, and listened for a moment then made his way to the Library.
After entering the numbers the Machine had given him into his computer, he found himself looking at the information for a psychologist named Caroline Turing, their new number. He pushed a key on his computer, and waited for an answer.
"Hello Finch," John answered a little groggily. It was just after six in the morning.
"Mr. Reese, we have a new number," Finch said flatly.
"I'll be there in an hour," John looked at a sleeping Joss in his arms, and smiled.
"See you then, Mr. Reese," Finch replied, and they both disconnected.
John leaned over, and brushed Joss's lips with his own. A smile curved her lips as she opened her eyes.
"I knew you were awake," John whispered. "Wanna grab a shower with me before I have to leave?" He asked seductively, placing butterfly kisses along her shoulder.
"Can't think of a better way to start the day," Joss whispered with a seductive smile as she rose from the bed, and started toward the bathroom.
John watched her every step of the way, and thought to himself, I couldn't agree more. Then got up to follow her.
Little did they know what that day would bring….
A/N: Thanks for reading! See you soon...