Evangelion Divergence part 5 Closing hearts

by VillageoutsideR

Shinji discovers the secret kept from him by two friends, Asuka searches for distractions from the pain in her heart, other things bubble up, OOC, continuation from my last part any advice or comments welcome, always looking to improve, trigger warnings for suicide and abuse, some slight shinji x asuka in chap 1, all nsfw chaps will have labels

4. Chapter 4

The air was cool and musty, no longer was there the comforting smell of the old wooden structure of the Inn or the slight crackle of the shoji paper. There was no more of that comforting warmth, opening his eyes Shinji looked around his surroundings, the once clean walls now looked stained with water damage and had holes torn in them. The mat and blankets he was resting on were now torn and thin.

He could feel the pace of his heart start to pick up as he tried to rack his brain for a logical answer, getting up from the mat he slowly began to walk around the building to see the once beautiful Onsen inn had turned into an abandoned eyesore. The stone decorations were chipped and their details fading away, the paper lanterns were torn and in shreds, the cherry blossom tree was dead and in the soft breeze it could be heard creaking as if it was going to fall over any second.

Shinji pulled the old and tattered yukata tighter around him, hugging it close. Walking back into the main building, Shinji walked up the stairs which with each step gave under his weight, with each step small pieces seemed to just disintegrate as he made his way up further. There was nobody there, he was the sole being in the old inn that slowly creaked and groaned, that rank smell of mildew and wood rot seeped into his nostrils.

With each breath he could feel dust start to clump up in his mouth. There was no evidence that any had lived there for years. He shambled down the hallways, hoping to see something that would tell him that this was a dream and that he would soon wake up in the beautiful old inn he had once woke up in. But the feel of the wood molding underneath his feet, the dampness and sheer coldness of just the very air chilling him to the bone only reinforced it into his mind that he was awake.

He headed back to his room and gathered his things, setting them up in the living space by the fireplace he sat trying to come up with a plan. But the cold of the heavy air ate away at his focus, looking around at the broken furniture he began to feel for dry materials. Anything, be it cloth, wood or the remaining shoji doors.

Lucky for him he was able to find a box of waterproof matches in the kitchen, once he lit the fire, he sat huddle in front of it, hugging his knees close to his chest. Bathing in the fire's glowing light he shut his eyes, trying to remember that sweet scent he had smelt once before. He'd only open his eyes when he felt as if the fire was slowly dying out, adding more kindling to it hearing the crackle as it ate up its new meal.

He didn't even mind or notice that its' flames would leap up and touch his fingers, he just sat there in the dark of the abandoned Onsen trying to recapture the warmth he had once felt there.

Soon enough he began to feel his eyes start to flutter, curling up near the fire he let them shut and soon fell asleep. He wondered how on earth the Inn could have looked so warm and inviting the day before but now just look like it was a backdrop of a low budget horror movie. But thinking back to the beauty of how it once looked he let that image burn into his mind and wondered how it all would have turned out if the Inn, he had woken up in was real.

Shinji dreamed of how the mornings would start off, he saw himself waking up early in the day as the sun crept through his windows making his eyes flutter open as he stretched his arms, slowly getting up from his futon mat.

He'd get dressed and head on down to the kitchen for a moderate breakfast of toast, some fresh fruit from the local venders and a French pressed coffee. He'd sit in the small garden underneath the cherry blossom tree, watching the pinkish white petals fall down from it as he enjoyed his coffee. None of the guests were awake yet and the other staff haven't yet arrived so he was able to enjoy it alone.

But he didn't feel lonely. There wasn't the heavy and cold feeling that he remembered feeling throughout most of his life ever since he was sent to live with his aunt and uncle, how his cousin would always run off with his friends leaving him to walk back home alone. He'd set there enjoying the calm silence, the small chirping of birds and even cicadas right before he finish his drink with an energetic sigh, ready to tackle the days' chores.

How once everyone would awake he'd greet them and take any laundry that needed to be done, how he would tend to the front desk admitting new people, giving thanks and saying goodbye to current guests. Repotting plants and scrubbing the walkways and old stone pillars, washing the bathrooms and floors of each room.

In the dream Shinji watched himself cleaning each room until it was beyond spotless and then he would lay out some small bottles of free body soap, shampoo and other toiletries. Then taking a freshly wash and dried yukata, he would fold it until it was a tight square and lay it on the rolled-up futon awaiting the next guest, always it seemed just as he finished one room there was a new guest standing in the lobby ready to take up the empty space.

But he seemed to never show or feel any speck of anger at his repetitive task. No matter if it seemed that he spent most of the day cleaning rooms more than anything, just to have another office worker in desperate need of a vacation form the city or a backpacking foreigner take up the empty room. He never showed any look of annoyance or even wished ill on his new guest.

In fact, he just smiles ever so slightly and close his eyes, welcoming them to the inn before taking them on a small tour of the old inn before showing them to their room and returning to cleaning a previously inhabited room and through it all, Shinji saw the version of him that was able to live at Mr. Shuya's inn as… happy.

Shinji watched as this dream shinji, the other shinji, the happy shinji worked to upkeep the inn. No matter the job, it seemed that he was always the first to volunteer to keep thing running no matter what it cost him. If it was reshingling the roof underneath the hot burning sun, Shinji would volunteer.

If there was a party of people and a caterer was needed last minute to stay up past midnight, cooking and serving drink to the rowdy people, Shinji was there. If any part of the whole inn was damaged during an earthquake, Shinji would be there even if a nest of giant hornets needed to be removed, he was there.

It seemed that the whole Inn functioned solely off of Shinji's existence, but he never complained or wished any ills on anyone, while any other person would've quit or became bitter at the situation. Shinji would simply smile at this new challenge to overcome, taking it with stride enjoying the simpler life were there were no real consequences if he failed.

If he couldn't fix a water leak, he'd call a plumber.

If he couldn't get rid of any pests, he'd call the authorities or pest control depending on the situation, but the most important thing was… there was no weight. No weight of all those lives in Tokyo-3, no fear of seeing the kids at school and seeing one of them missing or angry at him for not begin able to defeat the Angel before their loved one was killed in the crossfire.

No pressure from father or Ms. Misato or anyone to pilot the EVA, willing without any complaints, no weird feeling or presence that he felt even during the plug tests when he was connected with unit-01. There was only the inn.

Even a simple mistake, such as not cleaning a certain room, or not delivering a lunch order at a certain time seemed to be forgiven. There seemed that he never felt an ounce of pressure, Shinji could only watch on in envy at his doppelganger's easier and more forgiving life.

It seemed that this Shinji had long forgotten, about father, Rei, Nathan, Asuka, Ms. Misato and the EVA. The doppelganger seemed to not even regret staying a single bit, even if it meant leaving Toji and Kenesuke. It seemed that he wasn't concerned with anything at all, no matter what happened this Inn-runner Shinji would do anything that needed to be done sunup to sun down, ignoring the terror of the EVAs having to fight off the Angels in Tokyo-3.

Only to wake up again the next day, give the paper a read to see that either an Angel had been defeated or that an EVA and its pilot had died doing so and give a small sad look before hearing the ringing bell at the front desk, and being snapped back to his new home and giving off a relaxed smile remembering the terrors of his old life and remembering the new simplistic pleasure of his new life.

Not once did he ever see an ounce of regret.

Just then while the doppelganger was sitting at the desk looking down at a book a hand popped up on his shoulder giving it a friendly and praising pat. The doppelganger looked over his shoulder seeing Shuya, giving him a smile and congratulating him. It seemed the two of them shared a look, but there was something more to it.

The look doppelganger Shinji gave had some qualities that he felt he couldn't or didn't match back when he first saw Shuya when it seemed that the Inn wasn't abandoned, wasn't falling apart and not seemingly haunted by something.

It looked like a face of true mutual feelings and not just the face one gave at empty physical pleasure.

Once night would come it seemed that this Shinji and Shuya had a more developed relationship, a deeper one than employer and employee, even friends.

Shuya had taken Shinji in when he had nowhere else to go, when he was at the lowest point in his life, when he felt that there was no one who could truly love him and give him any feelings that filled that empty spot in his heart.

Whatever Shuya wanted Shinji would be there. And so the two would travel up to Shuya's room on the top floor, dressed in yukata they would walk hand in hand and softly close the door behind them.

The real Shinji stood outside the door listening to the silent whispers of his doppelganger and Shuya, he didn't need to slide the door open he merely walked through it and saw the two of them spooning and hugging. Shuya's arm wrapped around the doppelganger, who held Shuya's hand in his own near his face lightly kissing it.

Even in the darkened room he knew what was going on, he had seen a similar scene once before. He knew by the proximity of their bodies, the way the blankets hugged their bodies and the motions they made. Shuya would bury his face into the crook of the doppelganger Shinji's neck and in turn D-Shinji would shut his eyes, softly whispering Shuya's name as with movement Shuya made D-Shinji would gasp out.

Shinji studied the face of his other dream self and saw the face of someone who had received true mutual love, not a simple physical love where only one party felt good but something deeper. It wasn't just two people attacking their physical loneliness by joining together.

In fact, when the doppelganger turned his face, eyeing the door it seemed that he knew the real Shinji was standing there, and he was beaming his face of joy at him, almost rubbing it in his face that he never would receive those mutual feelings.

But while his face was one of sneering superiority, his eyes seemed to be pleading with him. There was a softness and begging nature to them, as if this mirror image Shinji was begging the real Shinji to stay and make this a reality.

As if the double was letting him know what he could or could have looked like if Shuya and the inn was real, or if he was finally ever able to find someone he could love and trust, someone that willing gave those feelings back. Someone that made him feel worthy of love.

When it seemed that the double Shinji's and Shuya's love was reaching its climax, with faster movements, touches and breathes double Shinji stared into the eyes of Shinji. And just at the apex of his cries he screams at Shinji to, "Wake up!"

With that reverberating shriek that made the real Shinji cover his ears and caused his teeth to rattle in his head he managed to open his eyes to see his idealized dream world burst into an endless ocean of orange bubbles that swam through the blood tangerine waters.

He shot up from the floor covered in sweat, his heart beating rapidly in his chest. He eyed the dying embers of the fireplace and immediately felt a heavy cold air start to fill the room making him cover up with the tattered rags and his old clothes.

He tried to make sense of everything that took place in the last two days, the odd change of the Inn, Shuya and everything else. But it was all just a blank haze. It was all nothing more than just his tired mind making up things but then, why were his feet still wrapped up in bandages?

He felt a slight shiver, sitting up he put more material in the fireplace to burn. A low shifting creak echoed throughout the hose making it rumble slightly, the hairs on his neck raised up. There was a tiny thought building up in the back of his mind, but it was stupid, there was no way ghosts were real. No way at all.

But still there was something inexplicably eerie about the old inn. Just then another creak groaned above his head, now it seemed that it wasn't just the settling of an old building on moving foundation. A small part of his brain seemed to start to believe that he wasn't alone in this place, that there was someone or something else in there with him.

The groaning creaks of the wood grew louder as it seemed that there was something up there with weight slowly shifting and working its way to find Shinji. No longer willing or able to stay in the old Inn he quickly dressed and gathered his things, covering himself in a half decent yukata for extra warmth he ran of the building just as it seemed that the groaning of the building had finally reached the stairs.

Just as he passed a set of stairs, his heart was already starting to feel as if it was bulging in two different places, each upper and lower half having its own beating. Each step made his legs wiggle and feel like they would go limp from underneath him. Daring to give a quick glance up the set of stairs he half expected to see a ghostly pale woman with black hair and a broken body crawling down the stairs backwards as she let out a low croaking death rattle. But just as it seemed the creaking and groaning of the house was getting louder and closer, he reached for the handled and yanked it open running out into the bright summer's light.

Even while blinded he kept running, but as he reached the stairs his vision came back just in time for him to see his foot missing the first three steps making him tumble down the steps and hit the concrete below, landing square on his chest he gasped just as the air was knocked completely out of his body.

He laid there wheezing as he tried to get air back into his lungs, his eyes stinging and watering as he massaged the growing bruises on his chest. When he was finally able to take rattly breaths, he pushed himself up, not bothering to look at the old inn he started to walk away. Even in the summer heat he still felt cold, pulling the yukata tighter around his body he kept walking until he found a small empty park.

Sitting near a telephone booth he wondered who he should call for help, for a moment he thought about calling Toji or Kenesuke maybe they could've helped him somehow. But what good could they really do he wondered. Father, Rei and Nathan were completely out of the question.

There was only one other person he felt he could call to depend on. He thought back to the nights he spent in Tokyo-3 the one person who cared whether or not he even returned home and would sometimes slide the door open to see whether or not he was sleeping. The woman who smelt of sweet-smelling fruit and coconut, he closed his eyes and remembered that sweet smelling scent. "Ms. Misato." He murmured.

Misato eyed the small screen that was mounted on the dashboard of her car, even if she was racing down the street, the engine of the car roaring as its gears kept shifting making the motor rumble with power the only thing, she could hear was the beeping of the tracking beacon. She had been opposed to putting trackers in the children like they were nothing more than animals or packages, but she kept silent on the matter after all, it seemed to be proving useful even if it took away some of their privacy.

Shinji's dot was blipping far off near the bay of Tokyo while the other three dots sat atop of one another back at NERV, she couldn't stop replaying the last conversation she had had with the Commander just before she had left.

"So instead of the intelligence and security detail, I'm to retrieve Shinji?"

There was a slight pause, but the silence Commander Ikari let build up wasn't one of regret or nervousness at his decision to go ahead and send Misato to retrieve the boy like he had previously ordered. He didn't even stare at her, she knew it even behind those glasses that reflected the non-existing light in the dark room of his office. She knew what it felt like when he stared at her, she felt small and naked, as if he were eyeing her with disgust.

It was more as if he were staring down at the desk at an invisible chessboard and he was already eyeing the newly moved pieces, imagining every possible move that either he or his opponent could make. As if he had already prepared for this eventuality again, and by sending Misato instead of some other nameless detail, he could leverage his son into staying permanently this time.

"So, what am I to do? How do we know he will stay this time Commander? He may leave with me but, that doesn't guarantee he'll stay. Or that he will even want to pilot."

"I'm sure you can find a way to convince him to stay, Katsuragi."

"But how sir? By what means am I supposed to do that? I'm not going to force it on him or use force and leverage on him."

"So, are you forfeiting this mission Katsuragi?"

"No! It's just-…" she huffed trying to regain her composure, trying to not get overly emotionally at the fact that it seemed that Commander Ikari treated his own flesh and blood son as more of a sacrificial game piece rather than a son, much less a boy.

"I'm finding it difficult to think of a way that can convince him to stay. It's not like we can bribe him or anything, he already makes more than me by piloting." She half-jokingly complained.

Just as the words left her mouth, Misato could feel her eyes widen not sure if she was more afraid of the fact, she had just made a joke in front of the Commander or if he was going to take what she said as a complaint. He only made a small grunt, "I can see your point Katsuragi. Maybe this…" he said reaching into his desk, Gendo Ikari pulled out a small plastic square and slide it halfway towards Misato, eyeing it she saw a disc with the label 'Surveillance footage: Katsuragi residence.

"Will give you inspiration on how to keep, the third child here… Major Katsuragi."

"Major?" she said, her voice wavering at the possibility of gaining back her old title. Even behind the white pair of gloves that covered half his face, Misato could make out the tops of his cheeks slightly lifting up in a menacing grin.

"Yes, Major. I'm sure that if you're able to accomplish what needs to be done, you'll be more than worthy of that title once again. After that who's to know what else?"

"But sir-…"

"Major Katsuragi. Perhaps you should watch what lies on that desk first, and then return to me. After that maybe I can show you something that will truly motivate you into keeping pilot Ikari here by any means you see fit."

Just as she was leaving to view what was on the desk he called out to her once more, "And Major… I believe it would be best if you didn't disclose the incident between Pilots Ayanami and Soryu to the sixth pilot. We wouldn't want any unnecessary rifts between them at a time like this where we are already at half defensive capability."

"I assume you are aware of the depth of their relationship?"

She nodded uncomfortably having been forced to watch the tapes, "In that case, do not tell him at all costs that it was Pilot Soryu that put Rei in the hospital. If he ever asks simply tell him that she's been hospitalized for a pre-existing condition. It has happened before, but hopefully she will be discharged soon."

"Anything else?"

"Do not involve yourself in any matters of the Pilots Soryu and Nathan. Focus on motivating the third child to stay here. He will still be living at your quarters, I believe I you can more than handle this simple mission. You are the only one capable."

'Any means I see fit' she replied in her head, hearing the small plastic case rattle inside of her glove box, an ugly reminder as to what was really driving her to go and bring Shinji back home.

Asuka felt her eyes start to flutter open as small beams of sunlight found their ways in through the cracks of the curtains, groaning she rolled over on the futon mat surprised in a slight way about just how comfortable it turned out to be last night. But still she pulled up the shirt she had borrowed from Nathan and smelt it, there it that slight smell of LCL.

A smell that it seemed you could never fully wash out that still clung to you slightly, reminding you what special and unique privilege and responsibility you were born into.

But still it seemed to cling him more than her, as far as she could remember. She brushed the hair off her forehead, but the small, tufted bangs flopped back on to it. So, what now? She wondered.

She looked around the room, there was no evidence that anyone had been up there so no Rei. Narrowing her eyes, she got up and walked over to the second-floor balcony seeing a couch with knocked off cushions and a pile of pillows and a blanket at the foot of it. No sign of Nathan anywhere, she slowly walked down the steps peering over the banisters trying to see any sign of him.

Finally, at the bottom of the steps she was able to see a hunched over figure sitting at the table, walking over she called out to him. "So, who's in charge of breakfast over here? I certainly don't see anything ready." Snarking to him as she pulled out a chair next to him beginning to poke him in the head.

He softly groaned as he looked back up at her through his arms that were wrapped around his head. From what little she could see of his face through his arms he looked awful, well more so than usual. His face looked like the skin was sagging and he had dark circles under his eyes. "Did you even sleep last night? Or were you too busy waiting up for the first to swing on by? You might as well just face the fact that it's gonna be a while before she comes back."

"So, what if I waited up for her? Don't think I got much last night anyways, spent most of the night out there on the balcony. Besides… she'll be back."

"How do you know?" she was almost starting to sneer at the boy's blind optimism.

"I just know… besides, we made a promise."

"A promise for what?"

"We promised to never leave each other."

Asuka rolled her eyes and stuck out her tongue and looked around the kitchen for a sign of something she could easily make, she could take her time anyways it's not like she was planning on going to school. But there was something off about the kitchen as a whole, colors seemed to be brighter and other things seemed to be shinier.

Off to the side of the sink there were two new water machines, she expected the new appliances. New microwave, new toaster, machines ready to dispense hot water. Even the fridge looked new. Opening it up as well last the cabinets she saw fresh food, both vegetables, fruits as well as pre-prepared meals.

The ingredients in the cabinets were probably enough for Shinji to make up an elaborate thanksgiving meal for breakfast, lunch and dinner. But what bothered her the most was where did all these things get here, they certainly weren't there last night when they got back.

"Hey all this stuff, were they putting it in this morning?" she asked gesturing to the newly refurbished kitchen.

He stifled a yawn and shrugged, "They must've done it last night while we were asleep or something. Why?"

Asuka couldn't help but feel a shiver run up her arms, goosebumps popped up on her flesh. Just the idea of having a bunch of random guys in the condo while she was asleep rubbed her the wrong way, the idea of one of the guys sneaking off into her room while she slept made her break out into a cold sweat. "None of this bothers you. Having strangers come into our quarters while we're sleeping doing stuff we don't know about? No red flags popping up in that one-track mind of yours?"

He walked over to the hot water machine in a huff rolling his eyes, "What don't tell me you're scared or something."

Asuka flared her nostrils, her face turning red in anger as she tried to save face. "I'm not scared of anything idiot. You're the idiot that's okay with strangers sneaking in our room."

"Well for one they're NERV staff okay. And you don't think there's no one watching us or monitoring us? If we got so much as a cold those guys would have hell to pay, besides…" he said as he got a tag bag and mug, "I'm not one to complain as long as I keep getting things like this."

She narrowed her eyes at him wondering how someone could be so complacent and comfortable living with the same mentality as an animal getting fattened up for slaughter? Shaking her head, she decided to skip breakfast and shower up, by now the smell of his shirt and LCL was starting to smell, at least she could throw her clothes in the wash and be welcomed with a fresh smelling uniform.

"Whatever… I'm headed upstairs, don't come up until I say so. I'm gonna need you for something later on, that is unless you're planning on going to school for once."

He shrugged, "Why would I? Someone's gotta stay here. Besides what use is that place anyways?"

"You're telling me… I've already got my degrees."

"Degrees?" he asked emphasizing, raising his eyebrows as he began whiffing the fresh brew of jasmine tea.

"Yeah… I have four PHDs."

"In what?"

"Why should I bother telling you, you probably wouldn't even know what I'd be talking about."

He gave a sly smile and shrug, "Probably… but… wow seriously four?"

She gave a slight nod smirking in pride, "I mean Rei's smart but… seriously four?"

"Four more degrees than you or wonder girl could ever get even put together."

Whipping around she headed up the stairs hearing him snicker at her insult, she wondered if he was taking it that way or as a joke.

Standing in the shower she had her ears perked up for the buzz of the dryer, letting the hot water cascade hit her as she worked in some sweet smelling coconut conditioner in her hair. She felt her muscles relaxing, breathing in the steam. She wondered why it seemed that he was warming up to her suddenly out of nowhere.

And for one second it seemed like he was impressed with her, impressed that she had even managed to surpass and be better at something than Rei. He seemed to only think about that stupid doll, never letting her leave his mind. But now she was finally better at something than her and he would know that every time he looked at her or Rei. He'd know that Asuka Langley Soryu was the superior being. But still what was about her that was drawing him in so suddenly?

She heard a soft knocking at the door, "Asuka?"

"What?! I told you not to come up here unless I said so, you big pervert!"

"I just came up here to say the dryer's done! Jeez…" for a brief second she heard footsteps retreating until they rapidly came back, "And don't use my conditioner!"

She groaned and grumbled, "Fine! Which one is it?"

"The coconut one."

When the footsteps finally retreated, she grabbed the bottle and uncapped it muttering, "At least you have good taste in one thing…" as she let a glob of it fall down into the drain, rubbing the rest of it into her hair even if it wasn't helping at all.

"He's probably just trying to warm up to me so he can try and fuck me. That's it… that stupid doll's no longer around so he's just trying to find someone else to bury his dick in. He doesn't care about me or even like me… he just wants me for my body. He's no better than… Kazuo…" she muttered to herself before letting the realization weigh her head down under the shower's stream, thick globs of conditioner falling on her feet before swirling down the drain.

"He's just trying to get to me to use my body. He'll never care about me or anything. Rei was probably easy enough for him to do, but now that she's gone, he's moving on. All that bullshit about him loving her was just a lie an act so he could get to her."

All she could think about was how little it took Kazuo before he had her on her knees for him. Just one stupid note, that's all it took her. She tried to remember what the other love notes from all the other losers had said but thinking back each of them seemed to just have been copy and pasted.

Each of them claimed that she was the most beautiful and hottest girl that they had ever seen that whatever she did had the grace of an goddess, how they could never take their eyes off of her and how she overtook every single one of their dreams. How if she did decide to become his girlfriend, they would sell all of their possessions and work tirelessly making sure every yen that they earned would go to making her happy. How they'd buy her clothes, jewelry and whatever else her heart desired.

If only they knew that she was earning more money than they could ever imagine.

Each note was nothing more than an empty promise, all they wanted was just a piece of arm candy. Something to show off to the other guys in school that they were the lucky one to have somehow impressed the stunning German girl enough to have her choose him to be with.

Dresses… jewelry… handbags… she thought back to the numerous other accessories they promised to buy her. How they'd dress her up in the best things they could buy, how they would get their grandmother who lived in the country to personally make her kimono and yukata. All she could think of was how they dreamed of dressing her up, making her into one of the dolls on their shelves.

Just something pretty to look at and get hard to. None of them cared about her. What did they even know about her?

"I'm so stupid…" she muttered to herself, "What did she ever do to get everyone so worried about her? What's so special about her?"

She finished washing out the rest of the conditioner out of her hair, now it just felt greasy and heavy. Wrapping a towel around herself she tiptoed over to the laundry room down the hall and pulled out her warm uniform, even though she had just come out of the steaming bathroom she felt a chill rack her body. At least with fresh clothes she felt slightly better, but still underneath the warm clothes she still felt cold.

Clasping her skirt together she tossed the towel into the bin and walked back into the kitchen to see Nathan sitting in front of a 2-liter bottle of green tea, making a weird face while smacking his lips like some sommelier trying to decide whether or not he liked what was in front of him.

"Hey. So… have you got any plans today?"

His ears perked up as Asuka called out to him, "Huh?"

"Have… you… got… any… plans?"

He shook his head side to side, "Good cause I'm going to need you all day, so hurry and get ready. I don't want to be kept waiting." She huffed while stomping her foot as if that was going to motivate him to do it faster.

"Well, what are you going to have me doing?"

"I can't just live here without my own stuff. Last night even borrowing your clothes was the most embarrassing thing I've ever had to endure. And I'm sure as hell not going to be borrowing anything from Rei. Besides after that I think you could at least spend the rest of the night scrubbing and cleaning up the room."

"What's wrong with the room?"

"Have you no manners? In Japan whenever you move out of a living space, you're supposed to clean it and leave it in a better condition than when you first moved in and besides it smells! Why would I want to live in an unclean space previously inhabited by a dumb horny guy and his girlfriend?"

She saw his face turn red in embarrassment, and he turned away avoiding her gaze. "Fine, let me go shower or something really quick."

"Don't drag ass." She barked at him as he jogged up the stairs, sighing and rolling his eyes at her commands. Taking a seat, she pulled out her phone and started to mindlessly jump from playing games to going on to checking what people at school were posting on their social media.

But that soon loss any chance at killing the boredom that was building up in her as she waited for him to get ready, laying her head on the table she spun her phone lazily. She thought about how much things would probably change since the first was in hospital and Shinji had gone AWOL. So, it seemed for now at least, that the duties of defending Tokyo and humanity would fall on the two of them.

It wasn't fate that landed the two of them in such a situation, it was just a clusterfuck of events that made it turn out this way. Now, the two of them would be forced to work and rely on one another. But she wasn't going to let that happen, the Commander and Misato could say that the two of them had to work together but she was never going to give Nathan the satisfaction of having her lean on him for support.

She didn't need him for that, she just needed one chance to show that she could handle things all by herself, at least then once the Commander and Misato saw her in action, they would have to acknowledge that she was the best. Shinji just got this far on dumb luck and having the Commander as his daddy, Rei was nothing more than a meat shield. But there was something more… she was almost like the Commander's pet, no doubt there was something else going on.

Then there was Nathan, born into it and nothing else. So far one kill to his name and nothing else. But if she was going to have a support role it might as well be him, at least he's got more personality than the doll and needs EVA as much as her, at least there doesn't seem like a chance he'd abandon her. Who knows what would happen if the higher-ups found out that she was the toxic element in the group… would they want her to stay then?

Would they just move her to another NERV facility, or would the Commander keep to his word and scrap unit 02? Was this truly her last chance to claim a stake here, the more she thought about it seemed that she really was going to have to rely on Nathan to keep her place here.

She almost couldn't imagine the thought of it, having the guy whose girlfriend she hospitalized stand up for her against everyone else and argue for her to keep her place here and insist on working alone with her. But then again… if there ever was a push to make the pilots work in teams of two, he would just flock back to Rei once she was back. And Shinji, he might never want to even see her again, besides he had a better compatibility with Rei anyways, one a mile better than the one and Asuka herself shared.

It seemed that she was truly alone in this, no one would want to be paired up with her or would stand beside her and take up her side when it came to the adults, spewing crap her way for not doing things they wanted it. But she would never let it come to that, she promised herself long ago she would do whatever was necessary to keep her and Unit 02 together. She'd never let anyone steal that away from her, not after all that had happened to her.

"Whatever it takes to stay here. I'll do it. If I'm stuck with him, I'll use him for anything. I'll pull all the stops and make him take my side." Asuka silently whispered to herself, she could hear the water squeaking off from upstairs and him running around rapidly.

As the door slid shut, she sat up, "They can threaten me all they want, but I'll never let them win. I'll always be the second child. No matter what they say… I'd rather die than see her in the hands of anyone else. Nothing'll take my Unit 02 away."

Once she started to hear his thudding steps coming down the stairs, she stopped talking to herself, seeing him round the corner and breathing heavy she piped up once again. "Good to see you're finally done, here I thought I'd be waiting all day for you. Let's get going now, I'm not gonna let you waste my entire day."

"You're the one who needs my help, it's not my fault if you didn't plan far enough ahead when you decided to move out."

"Whatever let's just get going." She replied curtly giving him a wave to follow her.

As soon as he let the door shut behind him Asuka looked over her shoulders, watching quietly as he locked the door and put his earbuds in, standing there for a moment as he scrolled through his music. Then just as he must have found a song he liked swiveled around and gave her a quick look in the eye before looking away, walking past her towards the trams. Asuka stood silently for a moment before slowly following after her, thinking about that small quick gaze he gave her.

Thinking how the others have looked at her, Shinji always seemed to be looking at her from the tops of his eyes, his head sunk into his neck dismissively and even when she had taken the first step in getting his attention for some reason… there was something lacking in his gaze.

All she could think of was how nice it felt, being in his arms and having him hold her, having him want her but then it had to all get ruined, but even then, it maybe it was her fault too for trying to get closer to him. Besides if he was willing to cry that much over the stupid doll what did he have left to offer her?

Then there was Kazuo, he just… looked at her like she was a piece of meat, even the way he held her seemed forceful and tight. But there wasn't much comfort in having him look at her, his gaze didn't give or make her feeling anything looking back. In fact, he just looked at her the way the other mouth breathers did when she first arrived. Just like she was a piece of meat for him to look at and enjoy, a look that said he had nothing to offer and just wanted to take as much from her as possible.

One that said he knew that she had no place to go and he could do whatever he wanted, since he knew she was stuck with him and that no one would ever want her. She finally sunk the nail in that coffin, if at first people weren't turned off by how she stood up in front of the whole school and informed the doll about how they'd be friends only for Rei to shoot her down.

Then how she hit her and left her in a pool of blood, certainly did.

Asuka stared at her shoes, softly clacking as she kept walking a few paces behind Nathan, wondering what he must have felt and shown when he looked at the doll. Even just talking about her seemed to make him show some kind of emotion. One that she had never seen on anybody that ever looked at her.

Something about him just seemed different, she narrowed her eyes and tried to remember whatever moments no matter how few there were of the two of them alone or at least near one another. Remembering vaguely how he never seemed to look at her or other people in the eye but rather near their neck or lower face, maybe off to the side of their face but with Rei he always seemed to want to look at her eyes.

And whenever he did his face seemed to relax, those lines on his forehead and cheeks would disappear, and a small smile would appear on his face, just the corners of his lips. And his eyes would half close as if he was falling asleep or drunk, and he would only stare at her or at least keep her in his gaze at all times. Then she thought back to when the two of them had gone into the city and the train ride back, how close he was sitting to her. How it seemed he wasn't trying to avoid being alone with her like he might have at one point.

He didn't try to ditch her or run away, not even when those thugs tried to shake them down. He could've left her alone but… he decided to stay even after the beating they gave him. And then alone on the cart he sat beside her, looking her in the eye, happy and relaxed. He didn't show any sign of disgust or that leering gaze that the guys back at school had given her.

He was eyeing her in a different way, totally different from the way he would look at Rei. But in what way she wondered, she couldn't place how that kind of gaze made her feel, but she wondered what she could do with him if he looked at her that way. What could she make him offer her?

"Due to maintenance the railcar will be disabled until 1800 hours. The last railcar will depart in twenty minutes. Repeat the last railcar will depart in twenty minutes."

Before she could react to the booming voice over the intercoms, she felt a cold grip wrap around her wrist, "Ehhh! Whattaya-? "

She was cut off as he pulled her towards him, colliding with his torso for a brief moment before he took off running giving her a quick glance he said, "C'mon before we miss the train!"

She felt him adjust his grip as he intertwined his fingers with hers not even giving it a second thought, she could feel his stone-cold skin start to become warmer and almost buzzed and tickled her hand, like stepping too fast into a hot bath. Asuka almost couldn't run at first, stumbling slightly along as she tried to get out of her mind and focus on running but all he did was pull her closer to him. Their shoulders bumping as he worked to keep her close to him and moving.

But even when she was able to find her rhythm and run alongside him, even keeping up with his long strides he only pulled her closer and ran even faster. She swore she could almost feel his heart beating through his fingertips, already her heart was starting to race. Overworking itself beyond its limits, trying to keep pumping blood throughout her body that was now throbbing with adrenaline and her muscles flexing. She felt her own heart beating in her fingertips and wondered if he felt hers too.

They had just barely made it to the tram, slumping down breathlessly into the empty cart they watched the doors rumble close before the train departed with a beep-boo. Rushing a with the track rattling overhead they stood up and eyed the Geofront, glowing underneath the bright gold light.

But soon enough as they kept ascending the whole facility and the seemingly endless paradise that NERV HQ inhabited grew smaller and smaller until they soon disappeared behind metal walls and the tram came to a stop in an empty station leaving them to continue their journey up to the surface alone and in silence. Even after he had stopped holding her hand, Asuka could still feel the lump of flesh between her fingers, how cold it was until it began to warm up and make her whole arm feel as if it had fallen asleep.

Looking over at him he kept his eyes forward and earbuds in, squinting as soon as they stepped into the sunlight. He only gave her a small glance before she looked away. "C'mon let's get going while she's not home. I just wanna get my stuff and be done with it."

"Sounds easy enough, let's just get it over with. You sure you wanna go through with this?"

As she walked Asuka stretched her arms behind herself, cupping her head. "Why wouldn't I? It's about time I made my own mark on the world, besides with Misato around I can hardly have any real fun. Anyways I was giving thought about dropping out like you did. Might as, well right? Why would I want to keep going to school when I could just stay at HQ and pilot EVA full-time? Besides, I think Mr. Kaji lives at headquarters anyways."

He took out his earbuds and shoved the player in his pocket, "I didn't drop out." he replied, his face and eyes serious with a sharp forceful tone.

"Then what did you do?" she asked, turning around continuing to walk backwards, her sharp elbows pointing at him. "I just stopped going."

"What's the difference there?"

He gave a shrug and shook his head lightly, no longer looking her in the eye but at her feet. "Besides it's not like you quit just so you could only pilot EVA, right? There had to be another reason even wunder girl still goes there." She knew why already but wanted to know if this guy could even admit it to himself.

Just like stupid Shinji, the coward would rather run away and not face his problems like a man. He'd probably just make up some bullshit excuse for her to hear, but he did have only one redeeming factor. At least he never seemed to pussy out and run away from his responsibilities of being an EVA pilot but still what kind of man was he really.

He couldn't even be honest with himself that he enjoyed getting Rei to cheat on Shinji with him, now he just didn't want to face the music.

"Why do you keep asking?"

"I'm just trying to have a nice conversation with a fellow pilot. I think it's only a matter of time until we're made to partner up. Besides, I think if we know more about one another it'll make this whole thing much easier. It's not like anyone else will listen to you and your problems, much less give you the time of day."

"So, what I should be thanking you?"

"Now you're getting it! Besides you wouldn't believe what the guys back at school would give to even get a fraction of what you're getting." She said in a fake chipper voice to his dry sarcastic response.

The cart rumbled into the levels just below the surface or at least the ones several miles below through solid concrete and metal. "The rail cart is now disabled." The automated voice said cheeringly as the doors opened leaving them in an empty station. Just as they started to walk out both of them heard a wet gurgling noise simultaneously coming from both of their stomachs.

"Sorry…" they both told one another at the same time nervously. After hearing the other's response just one beat after their own, both Asuka and Nathan offered a small laugh. "Guess skipping breakfast today wasn't the best idea, huh?"

"Yeah, maybe it wasn't but still it's not like the Japanese have any good concept of breakfast. What am I supposed to eat, last night's dinner again? Fish, rice, miso soup?! Gross!" she shuddered making a loud gagging noise point at the back of her throat.

"Yeah, I guess that is one thing they're not beating anyone at."

Asuka continued walking at his side, her arms crossed over her stomach, she tried to hide her grimace. It just felt like she had an empty shrinking pit at the center of her body and slowly it was tightening around a ball of razor blades that were cutting up her insides.

She let her fingers run along her sides and felt her ribs, but just barely and below them was a slight lip of fat above her hips. How many meals had she already skipped and still she felt ugly? This was the only reason why any of the idiots at school were interested in her, it was probably the only reason why Shinji even put his hands on her after she forced him to make out with her.

She was skinny that was purely it, if she had been a little heavier, they would just turn away in disgust. There wasn't any other reason, but still the cruel irony she thought. Looking down at her slowly developing chest, thinking back to how Toji and Kensuke eyed Misato up and down just because she had a massive chest on her.

How was she ever going to compete with someone like her if she didn't eat to develop herself, after all… if Misato and Kaji were a thing… he probably only liked women with bigger chests.

She still remembered how on the ship she tried showing herself to him. She already was a woman by then but still none of it was enough for him, he could have done anything to her, and she still would have stayed by his side… anything but that.

"Hey, look over there they actually have a breakfast machine you want anything?"

His voice pulled her out of her trail of thought, "Huh?"

"You want something from the machine? My treat."

'No, look we already have something to do today, we can't waste time of stupid stuff."

"C'mon we still got most of the day to get your stuff besides my treat. And weren't you the one to say I'm supposed to be lucky or something cuz I get to hang out with you?"

Asuka rolled her eyes, but still her stomach seemed to rumble at the promise of food. "As long as you're paying for it. I guess we can hang back here for a few minutes."

Asuka sat beside Nathan on the ground just beside the vending machines, she nibbled at a small cream bun while a bottle of SunnyD sat beside her. Nathan on the other hand tapped his foot quietly while eating a small pack of chocolate donuts, drinking from his own bottle of the tangy orange drink.

It was taking all her willpower not to just gorge herself on the sweet tasting bread, what would he think if he saw her doing that. Soon enough though she had finished her meager breakfast, it mildly satisfied her hunger, but she wasn't going to ask him to buy her any more food right then.

"You want the last one?" he held out the last mini donut in the palm of his hand in front of her face, "Sure… thanks.", Asuka barked as she snatched it from his hand.

She saw him watching her from the corner of her eyes, turning away slightly she took small bites from it not wanting to just have him watch her eat the whole thing in one bite. Once she had finished the last bite she stood up and gripped his wrist squeezing the bone and turning her knuckles white, "C'mon let's go you're wasting daylight."

Not bothering to protest Nathan let Asuka drag him out of the station, until they reached a long empty corridor with dozens of doors lining the walls surrounding them, "Do you have any idea where we're even going?"

"Of course, I do! Can't you read that?" she asked pointing to a block of red text, "No I can't I told you I suck at Japanese."

Asuka let out an exhausted huff, "It says that these are emergency bunkers and rooms for NERV personal. There's the entrance." She said pointing to a massive steel door with a red hand wheel that looked bigger than either one of their torsos. "And you plan to get out through that way?"

"Quickest way out. It should put us out somewhere on the outskirts of the city or somewhere near a station. From there we can hitch a train ride to the inner city and find Misato's place from there. All you gotta do is open the door."

"What?! Why me?"

"You're the man. Or at least the closest thing to one around here. What do you expect me to do it?"

"I'd at least expect you to help or pull your own weight here!"

"I AM! You obviously need someone to lead you and tell you what to do. Here I am just fulfilling my role in our partnership, you do all the heavy lifting and everything else. I handle the planning and everything tactical."

"So, am I just stuck with doing anything you don't want to do?"

"Yeah, that's how the chain of command works!"

"Who died and made you my leader? Last time I checked Misato was the only one around here that gave the orders!"

"Well, she's not here and besides I think I have the right to take the lead on this. Between the two of us it's no contest of who should be the leader."

"Aren't I the older one?"

"Age isn't a factor besides last time I checked you had your ass handled to you on your first outing. I on the other hand got a kill to my name my first outing."

"That's only cuz Shinji was with you otherwise you would've died!"

"That moron held me back, if I wasn't wasting time fixing my systems and having to deal with having a second mind in the plug, I could've handled everything myself."

"Well, if that's the case than a simple door shouldn't be too much of a hassle for you your highness. If you're so much better than me go ahead at it, what possible reason do you have that makes you think you're better than me?!"

"Shut up you have no idea what you're talking about!" Asuka screeched at him feeling her blood boil and her face start to turn red as she walked up to him raising herself up on her tiptoes poking him in the chest trying to get him to stumble back, only realizing that she was now the same height as him.

"Oh, whatever ever since you got here you give everyone the same shit attitude. Get over yourself, what could possibly make you better than me, Rei or Shinji?"

"Shut up just get to it, you wouldn't understand you, lab rat!"

Asuka turned around, crossing her arms over her chest as she sunk her chin against her chest. She heard him start to grumble before he walked away and started to turn the old squeaking wheel, hearing the gears grind as the door slowly screeched open, she looked over her shoulder to see him standing rigidly and puffing as he was finally following her orders.

As soon as the door opened, they walked out into the light to find themselves standing underneath an overpass where a small concrete river seemed to be standing still as tiny pieces of trash floated on down. She looked over her shoulder to see Nathan standing at a small panel, swiping his card he squinted at the screen as he began punching random squares on the screen until the door started to slide close.

Letting out a sigh of relief he slipped his ID back into his wallet and gave her a small look before turning away, "Go on lead the way." He grumbled.

Not bothering to talk Asuka swiveled away, her shoe scrapping the dry concrete. Keeping her eyes on the ground she heard the soft scraping of Nathan following right behind her, walking up the slope she crouched over trying to keep her footing on the smooth sides of the concrete embankment.

Bending over so much she felt the pressure in her knees start to build up so much to the point it felt like they were going to snap. Nearing the thin rusting guardrail, she reached out but just as she did, she felt her shoe give way and hearing that scrapping noise. She let out a small gasp as she flailed trying to keep herself from falling face first on the pavement, but then her weight shifted to her heels and then there was a quick tightness in her chest as she felt herself start to fall backwards.

For a moment she felt weightless as she tumbled head over heels down to the earth, but just as she tried to brace herself for the feeling of the back of her head cracking down on the concrete, she felt herself land into something hard and fleshy.

"Ugh!" in unison both of the pilots grunted in pain as they landed on the ground, looking down Asuka saw that her head and landed in the center of Nathan's stomach and her arms rested on his knees but there was something else. His arm was wrapped around the center of her stomach clutching her close to him. Groaning he sat up making Asuka shift further into his lap, she could feel her face start to burn at how close she was to him.

It even seemed that as he sat up, he pulled her closer to his chest. Grimacing she looked over her shoulder to see if he was even aware of just how close they were to one another. She could feel her face burn just by the sheer embarrassing nature of the situation, of her basically fully sitting in his lap and not just sitting across his thighs. But once she got a peak at his face, she only saw his eyes closed as he vigorously rubbed the back of his head.

"You good? That looked like it would've been a nasty fall."

"I'm fine but…"

"But what?"

Asuka held her tongue as she waited for him to see her, and once he opened his eyes, they seemed to freeze looking in hers for a moment, and they seemed to linger for a minute too. They almost seemed to widen and dilate, but once they started to look down and he noticed the arm that was around her he quickly pulled it away and rested it behind him. She felt him scoot away, "Sorry about that… but you good?"

"Yeah… fine."

She scooted away carefully and pulling her skirt tightly around her legs stood up and faced him, there he sat still on the ground, for a split second he looked up at her then turned his head away to the side. Shakily he pushed himself to his feet and brushed his hands off on his pants.

Turning away she walked up slope and hopped over the railing, as she sat on the top, she looked over to Nathan who seemed to lag behind, walking up the slope he had his arms close to his chest rather than near the ground keeping his balance.

His left hand hung over his right bicep, but his right hand seemed to be buried in his armpit, or at least his fingertips were. Most of his hand seemed to be hovering above the center of his chest. And his eyes seemed to be shifting as if he were confused about something, "Hey baka quit slowing us down!"

His head snapped towards her as he tried jogging up the slope, after he had climbed over the rail, he silently followed Asuka to the nearest train station. Thankfully when the train came howling in there were still plenty of seats, but the two pilots still sat with an empty seat between the two of them. He had gone back to shutting out the world with his earbuds while Asuka lazily crossed her legs and bobbed them up and down.

She stared at her phone while jumping from app to app trying to distract herself from the rattling metal surrounding her, only when the high-pitched voice over the intercom announced the stops was her attention pulled away from her phone as she tried counting the remaining stops to Misato's.

She opened up twitter and apathetically tapped at the screen while chewing her lip. She didn't even know why she had bothered to open the app much less even download it the only thing on her profile was the tiny picture she had taken for it.

Even her Bio was still blank, but there was something eating at the back of her mind now that it was Friday. Maybe if she was at school instead of cutting and getting Nathan to be her pack mule for the day, she would be too distracted from thinking about her date tonight but still maybe not.

Asuka didn't even pay any attention to her phone's screen she just let her eyes drift around her surroundings. Bouncing off everything from the buildings flying by, Nathan at her side, the adults clad in suits or the random housewife either hugging their child tightly against their chest or standing side by side with them.

No matter how long she had stared at them none of them seemed to look back at her, they just stared off into some point in space ignoring her, not even acknowledging her. There was some weird feeling building up in her, even if her body burned as it did when she felt anger beyond words, she didn't feel angry. She just felt sick as she stared at each adult, who seemingly had some dumb blank face or smile plastered on their skin as they carried on with their day not knowing that the only reason why they could much less were even still here was because of her.

Her eyes drifted back to Nathan and after the cart gave a slight rumble, she found him looking back at her, their eyes met for a split second before they drifted down from hers and soon, they were either staring at the floor or her lap. For one more moment they glanced back up at her eyes before he turned his head away without him uttering a single word. Asuka glanced down on her lap and saw that she had managed to find Kazuo's page, she wasn't even sure how she managed to get there much less what she would find there but something had obviously compelled her to look at it.

His photos were nothing more than just him standing in front of the mirror showing off his body followed by his closet full of designer-looking clothing, him holding stacks of yen notes. Wild parties at night clubs and him lying next to some sleeping girl or her hugging up on him. The last photo was him showing off some new threads, smiling in front of the mirror saying how he was looking forward to the weekend. A small plastic baggie of something in his hand and a condom wrapper hanging from his teeth.

He stood there looking his best to smile seductively.

She scrolled back down trying to count up the number of the different girls she saw but with each new one she would just lose her place and would have to start back up from zero.

Once the train stopped again and her stop was called, she yanked Nathan up by the shirt collar eliciting a chocked gasp from him as she informed him, "Her place isn't that far from here."

She wondered what number she would be and couldn't help but remember that look he had given her when she first met him in the old abandon rooms back at school. The smile, the swagger and how he stared at her. And all those same looks and mannerisms were frozen and plastered all over his page, each photo were just frozen memories of all those girls who received the same looks and no doubt the same words and same fake feelings. Just so he could get a crack at getting them into his bed and she fell for it.

Even as she pulled Nathan along by his shirt collar Asuka ignored his protests and questioning, she just focused on pushing her way through the crowds, her blue eyes of fury homed in on her phone held tightly in front of her face.

Finally, not being able to stomach seeing the stacks of evidence that proved just how much of an idiot she was willing to go after the first person who came to her after being rejected for Misato by Kaji and then being pushed away time after time by Shinji. Even after it seemed that he finally could hold her and kiss her, Kazuo still was ruining her life even before she could see that she was just another notch on his belt.

Why was she even still stuck on wasting her thoughts on Shinji? Even if he hadn't rejected her just when she was offering herself up to him, he still ran away he was nothing but a pussy. Maybe it was because he was nothing more than a disgusting little worm how could he act this way and still be accepted and brought back, still be allowed to pilot it was beyond revolting.

All because he was the daddy's little boy, he was only allowed to return and have his little temper tantrums because he got lucky being born out of the head honcho's balls. But she knew better, the only reason she had gotten this far was just out of her own skill and that's how she would stay. Even after the Rei incident all she would have to do is prove just how much they needed her, she didn't need NERV.

After all it was them that saw her greatness and hidden abilities as a child that made them come crawling on their hands and knees after her, begging her to be the pilot that would defend all of humanity and defend it she would.

But still all of that didn't feel enough, Shinji was just a filthy little worm that would've just taken advantage of her when she was at her weakness… she had to be to actually go seeking his attention. And Kazuo was no better, just going after girls with nothing to offer but an empty feeling and he was just like the rest of the people surrounding her in the city and the world.

A small nobody, he could flaunt the money, the drugs and the girls who were stupid enough to actually sleep with him, but she learned better. She was better than both of them, all she had to do was show it. She just had to wait, once the cards were in her favor she would strike, once the next angel or S-class or whatever reared its ugly face she could kill it. Even if she had to use unit 02's bear hands she would kill it and then Misato, the Command and everyone else would see what she was really worth.

She just had to wait. Then they would all see that she was really the best, they would all see that she should have been the first child, the first one the Marduk institute should have sought out and the only one NERV would have and should ever need.

It seemed that as they got closer to Misato's place the buildings around them seemed to become more and more run down, the streets emptier only small shops and convenience stores with their neon signs buzzing as acne covered dead eyed clerks stood stiffly behind the counter eyeing the front doors awaiting another customer.

"Hey Asuka lay off!"

His words finally broke her concentration as she looked back and saw that her grip on the collar of his shirt was tightening to the point where she might have well just been strangling him. She let him go and he gasped for air holding his chest, taking deep breaths he looked up at her, "Kinda rough, aren't you?"

He gave his neck a slight rub, "What's eating at you?"

"Whaddya mean?"

"Something's off about you Asuka, I mean almost strangling me is one thing not really into that not sure if you are, but you've done nothing but stare at your phone and that guy for the whole time."

"I'm not into choking people!" she shrieked at the top of her lungs, "Besides… it's none of your business I don't see why you'd even care. Like you could even understand."

"Well, you could tell me what's stopping you from talking?"

"Why are you so interested all of a sudden?" she asked her voice suddenly losing the fire that often fueled it as she looked down and started to walking away. She heard the concrete scrapping beneath his shoes as he scampered after her to keep up.

"Hey, I'm not sure if you haven't noticed Asuka but we're half a team down. Now me and you are pulling their weight."

"And you think that we can't! Or that I can't?!"

"I'm not saying that!"

"But what I am saying that is if we don't keep an eye out for each other we're gonna break or I don't know maybe they'll bring in someone new or replace us!"

"Like I'd ever let that happen to me."

"Well, I don't want that to happen either so work with me here. I need to know that I can rely on you… that we can rely on each other."

Asuka stopped dead in her tracks, "You can rely on me. I'm not like the rest of you. I wasn't born into this or made it this far just because my daddy or whatever is in charge. I was chosen for this." She turned around facing him eye to eye and in one long stride closed the distance and was mere inches away from his face.

"I still here just because of my raw abilities and if you can't see that I won't waste my time on you much less saving your sorry ass. You say you want to be able to rely on me fine… I'll give it my all and more like always. You can rely on me, but you get this I'm in charge, if I don't see you pulling your weight, I'm not gonna bother. And to start out with you can drop asking me what's wrong."

She saw his chest start to sink heavily and he took a step back, his eyes dipped like the kicked puppy look she would see in Shinji's eyes sometimes, but then he looked back up and narrowed his eyes at her and just then it was like some fire was lit in his eyes. For a moment it was like he was matching the fire she felt burning in her chest, "Fine, I can do that. I just wanna make sure we both get through this. You say you're in charge, I'll follow your lead. I'll give it my best, you say jump and I'll ask how high."

"Fine… three feet." She said smugly crossing her arms giving her trademark smirk to him as she saw the color drain from his face and a look of panic on his face.

"Seriously Asuka it's just an expression! Besides I have a shitty vertical!"

Once she heard his voice crack, she couldn't hold it back any longer, giving a snort Asuka busted out laughing as she rocked back and forth hugging her sides as she struggled to keep her eyes open watching his confusion on his stupid face.

"God! You are just the worst." He muttered rolling his eyes as he walked past, pulling her along by her wrist. Finally, once Asuka had managed to contain her laughter she began to lead them once again, she kept her eyes on the street not bothering to look up at her surroundings. She wasn't interested in seeing anything that could remind her about the old life with Misato that she was leaving, and if there was even a tiny pinprick of her that wanted to stay.

Asuka would be sure to not give it a chance to grow, Misato had her chance but then she had to go and play captain, going as far as to threaten separating Asuka and Unit 02. But if what Nathan was saying had any ounce of truth and sincerity to it, he'd be her ticket to staying here and keeping Unit 02 by her side.

Whether she liked it or not she might have to just rely on him, but the more she thought about it she figured there could be worst people to have watch her back. When she stopped in her tracks, she looked up to see the old decaying building that had once been her home, but then again it never really was. Misato and Shinji had been living together without her for who knows how long, and they probably liked it better that way.

When she moved in, she probably threw off any secret routine or moments that they had together… in fact they probably resented her for moving in and breaking up any alone time the two of them could have together. Misato's probably glad to have her gone, that way it can just be her and daddy's boy all alone. Asuka loved it back on the boat when it was just her and Kaji.

At least back then she could get his attention any time she wanted, even if it went nowhere, but who knows how things were going here between Misato and Shinji before she arrived. Back then there was always someone to give her attention, hang around and playfully annoy. Shinji seemed to only tolerate her and do things for her when it suited or benefited him, most of the time he just sat in his room away from her sulking.

Even when the two of them sat in the living room together watching TV, he still had his earbuds plugged in and his nose in a book or magazine, totally ignoring the screen and her.

"This the place?"

"Huh?" she looked to her right where the voice came from and saw Nathan standing by her side, she looked down at their hands and saw that they were still holding hands, she quickly loosened her grip and wrapped her arms around herself.

"Yeah, this is the place. Don't hold my hand again. Let's go."

"Sorry… I forgot."

They silently ventured through the building, sometimes each of them swore they could hear a door closing or the echoing footsteps of an unknown resident but even when they looked around the balconies to the upper and lower floors there was nothing. Finally reaching the door to her old "home" Asuka used her key for the last time. Leaving it in the dish by the door she led him to her room and broke out her suitcases, ordering him around he stood silently following her instructions as he packed up her things.

While she was packing her clothes, she came across her small stuffed monkey and doll. She sat quietly on her knees while Nathan silently worked behind her, she lightly placed the monkey in her suitcase while tenderly holding the doll close to her chest. Her fingers running through its soft hair. "What's that you got there?"

"Nothing!" she blurted out in a rush feeling all her nerves freeze as she stuffed the two dolls deeper in her bag underneath her clothes. "You almost done with that sheet?"

Asuka asked trying to hide her embarrassment with annoyance as she watched him trying to fold a fitted sheet, "Almost I guess anything else you got?"

She walked around her room, she was fine with parting with the furniture but as long as she had all the rest of her personal belongings she figured she'd live. "No that's it… hey I could use a drink what about you?"

"Uh… sure I think I saw a vending machine by the entrance."

"NO! I'm talking about from the fridge. At least that way we know its ice cold already."

"You sure we can just take stuff from Misato's fridge?"

"Of course, we can! It's fine I used to live here anyways so I'm due at least some things in the fridge besides… it's not like she never used my perfumes and lotions and stuff. The way I see it this is just me getting even."

He let out a sigh at her logic but not wanting to get into an argument he relented. When she did open the fridge Asuka's eyes drifted to the racks of alcohol that were stacked, she narrowed her eyes and picked up a peach strong zero. As she stood in front of the fridge feeling its cold air bellow out did, she only realized how hot the apartment had gotten, AC was probably out again. Rubbing the can on the back of her neck she nodded towards the rack of cans.

"Go on… pick one."

"You sure…? I mean I've never drunken alcohol before. I'm not comfortable with this."

"What are you a pussy? C'mon I thought we were friends now."

"Fine! Watch me." He strode across the kitchen grabbing a dry ice strong zero, popping the can off he held it out to Asuka, smirking at how easy he was she followed suit and bang their cans together before tilting their heads back and guzzling down their drinks.

She could hear him gagging and choking down the drank, past the cold fizzling peach taste she could feel the bubbles settling in her stomach already she began to shiver as her stomach and cheeks warmed up. Her ears were burning hot like coals, "Ahhh!" she let out as soon as the last drop hit her tongue.

Her chest felt heavy, but she licked her lips still feeling that thirst, her head was swimming yet, but she could feel a heavy weight on her shoulders. As she popped her next can open, she saw that Nate was finally done with his drink she grabbed another and offered it to him. Not saying a single word, he took a slight smile on his face, "You know- its not so bad. I gotta get used to the taste but…" he took a slurp from the can.

"Feels good right?" She saw his ears start to turn into a light pink, he nodded rapidly. "Yeah, really good. Just this last can alright, we still gotta find our way home. I feel it in my chest."

"You're no fun." She said pouting in a sarcastic coyly manner, smiling she finished her drink crushing the can in her hand, once again that head swimming feeling overtook her body as her body vibrated warmth all over. As they tossed their waste away, they slowly walked to the door swaying just a tad as they tried to fight the weight of the suitcases from pulling them down to the ground.

Once they ventured out into the open streets dragging the luggage along the heat and humidity began to beat down on them, sweat already began to bead on their foreheads as the alcohol started to hit them. Walking further along neither one could bear the heat anymore they walked into a convenience store, even if it was just for a moment to escape the sun's beating rays.

The dead faced clerk looked up from behind his counter only for his face to droop down again, Asuka narrowed her eyes as she walked down the aisles pretending to shop and once, she heard his light snoring she headed to the back of the store. Opening the fridge, she quickly crouched down and started to shove large random cans of strong zero into her suitcase and duffle bag.

Her heart started to pound and echo throughout her whole body, with each can she found it harder to fit the next one in whether that was because the bags were slowly filling up or the mix of anxiety and alcohol was messing with her focus. Once each bag was filled to the point of bursting, she quickly zipped them up and shouldered them, whipping her head around she saw Nathan eyeing a rack of snacks, eyes darting to the sleeping clerk she figured it was now or never.

In a flash she ran over to him grabbing him with her free hand she hissed, "Let's get out of here!"

He didn't even need to say anything, grabbing the luggage he was carrying for Asuka he followed her lead and ran right after her. She didn't let him stop until they reached the nearest train station, "Wh- wh- wha- what was all that about?" he asked huffing.

Asuka looked around, no adults, there was no one around. Smiling she leaned over and opened up her bag, each silver can glittered in the sun. "I'd say we deserve this don't you, I mean who else in this stupid city can do what we do?"

"I guess you got a point there."

She quickly zipped her bag up when the next train pulled in, with the two of them slowly stumbling inside and finding their seats stared out at the retreating blocks of buildings, Asuka slowly counted off the stops. It seemed to be a slow, hazy blur as she stood up almost falling over stumbling into Nate as the train suddenly halted. He shook awake as she slurred out that it was time for them to go.

With Asuka in the lead they finally managed to find their way back to the NERV facilities, and by that time they were already starting to slowly sober up, hunger started to scratch around their bellies like rats. They stopped by the cafeteria for a quick bite, milling around the international foods they picked up random items until their trays were loaded and found a small quiet spot away from sight where they ate in silence.

Asuka meagerly picked at her fries, flipping them over as she eyed Nathan across from her wolfing down a bacon cheeseburger. Already she felt full, but her stomach still rumbled, some of the food she couldn't even name, but it looked good but now sitting on her plate she couldn't help but lose her appetite.

All she really wanted was another drink but looking around and seeing random NERV workers she stopped herself from reaching into her bag and pulling out another can of strong zero. Soon enough her eyes floated on to a couple that was standing in front of the rows of food on display, one clad in a short black skirt and red jacket the other in a blue shirt and black pants. She felt her heart flutter and swell, it was her beloved Kaji-san but next to him was no one else but Misato.

"C'mon let's go! I still gotta unpack and I'm thirsty again."

"But I'm not done eating." He whined gesturing to the piles of fried food on his plates. "Well, I am, so that means you are. Now let's go."

Seeing no point Nathan gave in and took up his share of the bags following Asuka to the EVA pilot's penthouse. As soon as they walked in Asuka threw her bag up onto the kitchen table and began to dig around, pulling out a fresh can she cracked the lid open and immediately began to chug it. Its head numbing bubbly feeling was so good that it deserved to be followed by another can.

Finally, her head was swimming and her nerves buzzing with warmth, her face and legs burned as they jiggled underneath her light weight like jelly. "Okay… you… wait here. I've got some things… to see too." She slurred vaguely in his direction.

"Where are you going?" he asked slumping down into a chair reaching over into her bag for his next drink only to get his hand slapped by Asuka.

"No drinking! Not until I get back… I've got to see to… Mr. Kaji."

Lamenting he slumped over on the table resting his head on his arms, Asuka gave him a smug smile as she whipped around almost losing her footing, then as she swayed around in her drunken haze, she made her way to Kaji's office knowing he would only eat his meals there.

Hopefully she'd find him alone, but even if Misato were there, she was sure she would think of something to make her get lost. After all once Kaji had the chance to compare the two of them together, Asuka knew he'd make the right choice.

A drunken smile found its way on her face as she rubbed her burning cheeks thinking of Kaji finally embracing her and giving himself wholly to her she knew he had made a mistake by sneaking off and being with Misato. That night of the party when she was first promoted, he had been drinking and it seemed like that's the only thing that Misato and he did.

That's why he was always with her, he wasn't in his right sober mind. But once Asuka was there to give herself to him while he was sober and while they were in Japan where they could be together, he would scoop her right up in his arms and make her his bride, there wasn't a shadow of a doubt in her mind.

And if that wouldn't help, him seeing her able to handle her drink would. If all he wanted was a girl to drink with and fool around with, she'll do that, whatever it takes to get to keep Kaji.

In between her slow blinks she found herself being stared at by the occasional guard or random nobody but with the NERV ID hanging around her neck she knew they couldn't touch her. Through the mazes of stairs, elevators, and ramps she had finally found her way to the hallway where Kaji's office was, with each step she gave a bigger smile of drunkenness and wanting.

As she neared the door, she felt her insides grow hot and jiggle, already it was getting harder for her to stay on her feet. She began to brace herself against the wall, but once now that she was outside, she could feel her stomach twisting in on itself into knots. For a split second she swore she felt sick, she almost didn't want to go through with it, but she was already there and Kaji was surely inside.

Stepping closer to the door she took a deep breath readying herself, but then just as she was going to open the door, she began to hear voices coming from inside.

"I don't know how you convinced me to do this… I'm not even going to eat any of this."

"Oh yeah, that's right you and Shinji have a special welcome home again dinner tonight planned out, don't you?"

"It's nothing like that… I'm just following the orders that Commander Ikari gave me. But I am happy that he called me saying how he wanted to come back. I'm just trying to give him a nice treat and welcome home."

"All I'm saying is that you never bought me pizza, it wouldn't have to do with that new pay bump and getting promoted to lieutenant colonel does it?" he asked, his voice smug and Asuka was sure that he was smirking.

"How'd you find out already? Commander Ikari hadn't announced it yet."

"I have my ways… c'mon intelligence is my business after all Misato, give me some credit."

Misato let out a long and heavy sigh, "I don't know why I'm even here…. I told him I was going out to pick up the food and some other things. But here I am avoiding him and he's just sitting alone in the apartment."

"What Asuka not there anymore?"

"No… no she moved out. To the pilot's quarters here I think, when we came home all her stuff was gone and the fridge was-…. I just hope she's doing okay."

"She'll be fine, she always is but she's not the one I'm worried about right now. Its you that I'm worried about, it didn't take much convincing to get you to come back here with me. Usually, you've got more fight in you."

"It's just… I've got a lot on my mind. Being promoted has nothing to do with it, same job, same responsibilities. But so much more at stake, and more things… to see done."

"Like what?"

"Things Kaji… just things. But Commander Ikari gave me free reign on how I get my duties done but I'm not sure if I can go totally through them. My instincts tell me one thing and I'm hearing Commander Ikari's voice tell me something else and I just don't know what to do. And with Asuka moving out, I feel like there's a new pressure on me and I just don't know…"

Asuka heard Kaji sigh, "So you just came here to blow off some steam huh? Just a late-night work session, right?"

"No nothing like that Kaji!" Misato's panicked voice grew shrill, "Besides what if someone comes down here and hears us or something?!"

"Relax no one important comes down here anyways and if they did let them hear. What're they going to do about it?"

"Kaji no! Mmph." She heard Misato gasp out before moaning and the sounds of deep passionate kissing could be heard, "God I hate you… always gotta try and make me something I'm not."

"Hey, I'm just trying to get you to relax and forget your problems. How many times have we done this when we were late on our rent, paying our tuitions or when we should've been studying for exams?"

"Too often… but those aren't real problems like the ones the kids face. We were just being dumb college kids who thought they knew how the world works."

"But you have to admit, it worked right? Even for just a little bit. Just this little thing only the two of us have."

"Yeah… just the two of us."

Asuka could hear the two of them continuing to kiss and the soft rustle of clothing, heavy breathing and clatter of clipboards, a chair and other office supplies as a heavy clump landed on Kaji's desk. For a second the kissing stopped and Asuka collapsed quietly to her knees, her stomach twisting in knots and her eyes starting to brim with tears.

She choked down the noises that wanted to escape her throat. Nobody important, she thought replaying everything that Kaji had told Misato.

"C'mon you're Misato Katsuragi… who else is there, there's no one but you and you're the strongest woman I know. You pulled through past the second-…" she heard his voice stop on a dime as if he were remembering something, after a moment his voice picked up again.

"The points is… there isn't a woman on this planet living or dead that can hold a candle to you."

"Even Ritsuko?" Misato snarked.

"Even the mean old cat-lady. Your instincts brought you this far, why bother questioning them now? What's the worst that could happen cause of them?"

"It was my instincts that led me to sleeping with you after I first me your sorry ass."

"Am I really that bad?" Kaji replied slyly.

"Yeah, you are." Misato replied sarcastically before eliciting a muffled moan from her passionate kissing. "You're not worried about making her jealous?"

"Who?"

"Asuka, she clearly has a thing for you. Always on your arm, sweetens up whenever she sees you."

"She's just a silly kid with a stupid crush, soon enough she'll get over it. Besides she can't hold a flame to you."

Asuka's mind repeated those same words over and over in her mind, she wasn't anything compared to Misato in Kaji's mind, she wasn't even second best he didn't even bring her up at all. He only focused and thought of Misato, Asuka could hear her start to moan Kaji's name through the door as she silently cried pressing the heels of her palms into her eyes trying ot fight back the tears biting her lip until she swore, she started to taste blood.

Already Asuka mind began to flash images of Kaji and Misato together, that's the way it was she would always be second best no matter the situation, whether it was Kaji's affections, or her title as the second child. In fact, if all of the kids were merely given a number based on their abilities she wouldn't be surprised if the daddy's boy was called the second instead.

"Always… I'm always chosen last… so sick of it. So sick of it all. So tired of no one seeing me, so tired of just being the second. Kaji no, please no Kaji anyone but you, you can't do this to me!" she began to whimpering out. She heard the noises in Kaji's office grow louder and faster, she covered her ears, her fingernails digging deep into her scalp as she turned and ran away, not being able to hear Misato call out Kaji's name and to hear him moan out her name in response.

She could feel her small heart being crushed in a tight vice, it was already getting harder and harder to breathe. The only thing she could remember was the nightmares she had been having a heavy weight on her chest and the pain of clawed hands and teeth from angels ripping out her innards and tearing her apart, her rapidly beating heart being held inside her chest by a rough cold hand before being squeezed and ripped out.

Her muscles were tightening to the point where every step was like pins and needles stabbing into her flesh as acid was poured in, making her stumble to the ground, by now tears began flowing from her red puffing face as she tried to crawl back to the elevator and get back to her room all she could think to do was lock herself away from the world, hoping not to be seen by anyone in this state.

She would rather die by those horrible looking seraphim angels she saw in her dreams than have a random peon NERV worker see her. Shutting her eyes, she ran through the halls, gritting her teeth, trying to outrun the aching in her chest but still remembering those things that she heard from Kaji's own mouth and him and Misato together.

With each step she wondered why she couldn't be accepted by one person, why couldn't one person devote themselves solely to her… even the stupid doll had someone kneeling at her feet it seemed. Asuka bit her lip drawing blood that ran down her chin, there was no one she could think of that she could rely on. Not a single person that could be with her and hold her hand through all of this, no one to comfort her or praise her whenever even any simple actions she did.

No one to wake up holding her or wanting to take her in their arms, no one to make the nightmares stay away whenever she fell asleep or make her forget the painful memories.

She acted as if she could handle all this weight and these painful thoughts on her own and for the longest time it seemed as if she could but now… it was all just becoming too heavy. As Asuka ran into the pilot's quarters she tried to compose herself, but her shoulders kept on heaving even as she hugged her tightening stomach that was aching, her jaw was clenched as she tried to stifle her sobs. Walking past the kitchen she saw the piles of strong zero, there were even more empty cans along with a note written in chicken scratch that simple read, "I'm out".

No longer being able to hold her cries she screamed out loudly, enough so it felt her vocal cords were ripping themselves apart as her skull vibrated, the pain that was racking her head was immense as it throbbed with each passing second. She kept screaming pass the point of draining herself of breath.

She swung her arms knocking all the cans to the floor making them clatter around as she fell to her knees gasping for air by sheer instinct but still wanting to empty out her lungs before they could be filled.

Soon it felt as if her heart had stopped and she collapsed to the floor clutching herself close, as she took small timid breaths, each one felt like taking in a breath of salt water that was trickling down her throat after swallowing razor blades.

It hurt, everything hurt. Asuka wondered where Nathan had stumbled off to, maybe Rei was finally on the mend and he went to see her or most likely he had finally gotten fed up being around her and decided to split. Either way it looked as if she finally got what she had wanted, she was finally in a place of her own. Now it seemed as if there was no one.

For all she knew Misato was trying to sweet talk him into moving in with her, that was probably it. She took him back to her place to get him to make up with Shinji and replace her. Have him take up her old empty room. Rei would probably just end up staying with him at Misato's or she might just end up living at her own place.

Whatever the truth was there was no one to care for her, much less just be around. In a dead-eyed zombie like state Asuka willed her aching, throbbing, numb body to move and she found herself stumbling up the stairs. When she finally reached the top of the stairs, she slowly made her way into the bathroom, she didn't even bother to fully shut the door she limply swatted at the door and left it a hair length open.

She looked up and saw herself in the small mirror cabinet, she stared at herself and touched her face. No longer able to bear it she opened the mirror and let it hang open staring at the cabinet's empty insides, she didn't want to even think about looking in a mirror.

She took off her clothing piece by piece letting them rest in a messy pile at the center of the room, the head clips she placed on the counter, after running herself a hot bath Asuka climbed in sinking in past her shoulders staring up at the ceiling.

"What's wrong with me…? What's wrong with everyone? I tried to give myself to Kaji… to Kazuo… even to Shinji. And they never wanted me… I still fill so empty even hooking up with Kazuo didn't fix anything. Not really. I was ready to give everything I was, but nobody wanted the real me. I know I don't need them but why does it still hurt?"

Asuka felt her eyes slowly start to sting, maybe it was from the steam that was slowly rising from the bathwater that was slowly turning her skin a light shade of pink or was it something else that was building up inside her.

"Back then… back home after mother… before Japan. EVA was enough… it always seemed like it was enough but now… how can she have found someone? Someone so plain and doll-like, she's not even pretty… how can she have found someone else? Someone to hold her. Why is she worthy of his praise, she hasn't done nothing of note… but she's still the first child. No wonder they all ignore me."

She let her thoughts begin to drift, thinking about what each member of her little NERV "family" was up to, Misato and Kaji were busy together, Shinji was probably back home playing maid or whatever. And Nathan the last person she was living with had gone and left her, just totally forgotten about her while he ran off to be with Rei. She still remembered those looks he used to give her, how his stern and apathetic features would soften and glow, how he'd look both indescribably sad but so drunk with love at the same time.

Meanwhile the times she offered herself to Kaji he merely avoided eye contact with her, Shinji threw her off him, and Kazuo just looked at her like a piece of meat. When was she going to ever have that one person to hold her, to look at her with true affection? To say I love you with the same sweetness her mother used to say to her… before her accident.

With each passing second Asuka felt herself slipping further into the bath water, past her neck and chin eventually her earlobes were dipping into it. "What's the point…? The people on the streets don't even thank me… much less know me. Just one person… one person… to thank me. Give themselves over to me wholly. Don't I deserve that too?"

She felt herself sink in just a bit deeper until she heard the door slam shut from downstairs and the heavy jogging footsteps up the stairs, "Asuka! Asuka! Asuka…. Oh god! I'm sorry!"

For a split second the bathroom door creaked open but just as she saw his hair pop in followed by his eyes, he quickly yanked his head out and slammed the door before opening it a fraction up again. "Jesus I'm so sorry Asuka. I didn't know you were- I mean I- I- I didn't see anything!" he continuously shouted fumbling over his words as he profusely apologized over and over again, his voice cracking and wavering, she could even hear him start to hyperventilate.

Maybe if she hadn't gotten so drunk and went off to see Kaji she would have jumped out the bath and kicked him down the stairs, but now he could be standing above her, and she wouldn't care. She did nothing for him anyways. "Hey you okay?" he asked.

"Where… were you?" she feebly asked.

"Oh, I left a note right, didn't I mention I was going topside? Yeah, I kinda wanted to walk around the city and I went to a bookstore."

She could hear the clatter of several thick books and plastic bags, "Was getting pretty bored here so I just bought like a fuck ton of these Japanese horror comic books and stuff, they're called manga, right?" he asked as he stuck one of the thick volumes through the door waving it for her to see.

He didn't even ask again, he just answered the question she thought. "You can't even read Japanese."

"I can look at the pictures." He replied back in a mocking tone. "But hey you sure you're all good?"

She didn't reply to him, she heard him shuffling behind the door before he calmly answered, "I'll be downstairs, alright?"

After that he gently closed the door leaving her alone. She let herself soak for a while longer until the water started to feel colder, even if there was still steam coming off from the still surface of it her limbs started to go numb.

Asuka took her time no one was really expecting her, she had missed her date and had nothing to do, she didn't have a synch test that was planned to waste her time either so what was there else for her to do besides just lay around the condo and waste time until Monday where she would probably be yelled at for missing Friday's classes and homework.

She dropped the towel once she was done with it and walked down the hallway to her room bare, not caring anymore, she was undesirable, unlovable and unnoticed. She pulled on a small teal tank-top and a pair of short blue shorts. Why was she even walking downstairs she wondered to herself. With each slow heavy step down the stair she felt heavier as if she would just fall face first on the floor under her own weight.

She walked to the kitchen not even knowing what to expect but there Nathan was intensely eyeing a thick black book with white drawn spirals all over the cover while a black cup of noodles steamed in front of him and a small plate rested further away next to another black steaming cup. He set a place for her.

Once he noticed he set his book aside and nervously gave her a look before shyly looking away and rubbing his neck, "Hey so, sorry again for earlier I swear I didn't see anything at all."

"Why are you so nervous?"

"Cause I thought you'd be mad."

"What flavor is that?" she asked pointing to her cup.

"They're both hot garlic chicken, they were the first two I grabbed. That okay?"

"It's fine."

"Hey, you're not wearing your EVA clips."

"Must've forgot them why something wrong?" she asked with a hint of irritation in her voice.

"No, it's just you look… different without them. Smaller but…"

"But what?"

He looked away and was he blushing, "Kinda cuter I guess."

As she sat down, she picked up her fork and began to dig around the cup letting the steam hit her in the eyes, not caring that the spices carried by the steam was hitting her and making her eyes water. Just then she looked to the small plate to see a cluster of bright red apples circling a large glob of peanut butter. "What's that?"

She asked suddenly with a renewed voice as she eyed the plate, seeing it brought back something deep inside her. Something she thought she had long forgotten.

"Oh, just something I thought I'd make for dessert or to eat after. Why?"

Asuka kept eyeing the plate, her heart slowly feeling like it was unfolding.

She pushed the noodles away, "Something wrong?"

"Hey… do you mind if I… just eat the plate of apples. It's just… it's just…"

Asuka stared down at the table, her small shoulders shaking as she tried to spit the words out. She knew what she wanted to say, but it hurt too much. If she said it, she would rip open that wound that she had tried so hard to keep hidden and sealed.

But the apples gleamed in the soft light of the kitchen, they looked so sweet and crisp. Just one taste might bring back those nicer memories, she squeezed her eyes shut and dug her nails into her thumbs hoping the physical pain would distract her brain long enough for her to talk. "It's just my mom used to make me that meal when I'd feel bad and I just want to eat that!"

She didn't say it so much as blurt it out, when she opened her eyes, she saw Nathan looking alarmed and slightly ashamed of himself as if he knew and was planning on eating the plate by himself. He took the cup of noodles from her and set it next to him, "Go ahead… sorry if I knew I might've made more. You can have them all."

Now it didn't hurt she just felt embarrassed, she slowly took the plate and began to eat. She closed her eyes hoping her sense of taste would take over, and once that first sweet squirt of juice filled her mouth followed by the salty nutty taste of the peanut butter she felt her shoulders give out and relax. As long as she kept her eyes shut she felt home, home back before everything had to go wrong.

She remembered the last time she had had this meal, she was still trying to ride the bike that was too big for her without its training wheels and had gone and skinned both of her knees. She sat there on the driveway of her mansion crying until her mother saw her and took her up in her arms. Cooing and kissing her forehead, hugging her close as she shushed the young crying girl before taking her to the bathroom to clean her up.

Just as it seemed that she would never stop crying, her face would stay red and puffy, snot and tears would still be flowing out the kind and gentle mother took her to the kitchen and prepared that simple meal for her. And when it was finally plated and set out in font of her Asuka saw her mother's loving smile and the meal she had always made for her whenever she felt down or hurt and suddenly, she stopped crying… that was only a few days prior before her mother's accident.

Once Nathan started on his second cup of noodles he spoke up, making Asuka open her eyes, the image of her smiling mother disappeared but the meal still tasted the same, but it only gave a fraction of the comfort as it once had. "So, is she back in Germany… your mother?"

Asuka paused with a piece of apple in her mouth, the glob of peanut butter resting on her tongue, she slowly ate it hoping to buy sometime. "No, not anymore no."

"Sorry uh-… they divorced your parents?"

She stared down at the plate, she shuddered a bit. "She died a long time ago… before I even was a pilot. She- she had an accident and… my asshole dad fucked the nurse that took care of her… now I just a stepmother. Sorry about earlier it's just… ever since she died, I haven't eaten this and… nobody's made it for me since."

"Oh… sorry. I would say I know what it's like, but I don't."

"Why, your mom still alive?"

She saw his concerned look turn to an odd mix of pain and guilt, he looked away from her shimmering sapphire eyes, he turned his attention to the noodles, trying to grab a clump of them with chopsticks. "She died before I can remember… while giving birth to me, I think. At least you had a mom, I'm not even sure I know what my own looks like."

"Sorry to hear that." Asuka was even surprised that she said that and more so that it sounded genuine, but something about his voice the way he said it sounded like he was holding so much more pain behind it.

She saw him look up with shimmering eyes, but this time around she swore there was something else in them, not the same empty or passing look he had often given her in the past. But it was as if he was looking at her with fresh eyes, "Thanks."

He gave her a small smile before he went back to eating, she noticed something, whether it was conscious or unconscious by his part she didn't know but his left hand had moved closer to hers. Only his right had now had the task of feeding himself, slowly she slid one of her hands towards his not even sure why she was doing this now.

But besides maybe Kaji he was the only other person to know what happened to her mom, just as before their fingertips touched she stopped, calling herself stupid for even doing this but then there was an odd cold yet warm sensation as she looked up she saw him eyeing her and her hand as he slid his fingers over hers and gently held her hand.

Both of them finished their dinners in silence, even after Nathan ate his last cup of noodles, he patiently waited for Asuka to finish hers before leaving. They walked hand in hand up the stairs, breathing nervously out their noses eyeing one another out the corners of their eyes at each other and then the floor. When they reached the top of the stairs is when they departed, letting their hands fall limply from one another.

Asuka stood outside her door silently watching him walk down the hall before calling out, "You're the only one."

"What?"

"You're the only one that knows about my mom, not even Hikari knows."

"Oh really… why'd you tell me that anyways?"

"I don't know but… I'm sorry."

"For what?" he asked puzzled walking forward with his book under his arm.

"Everything before, if it's okay… I want a redo of us. I want a fresh start."

"It's okay… I probably no I did say some things too that I'm not too proud of."

He stood there looking at her then away from her, "Well new start, tomorrow right? Night." He gave her a small wave and headed off to his room pausing before he entered giving her one last look.

Once Asuka had settled in for the night she found herself unable to sleep, no matter how much she had slowed her breathing down or tried counting sheep or any other stupid way to trick herself into falling asleep she wasn't able to, she still felt cold but now her brain and heart were buzzing. All she could think about was how nice it felt just holding his hand, that gentle look he gave her and how vulnerable his eyes looked and the simple thing he did for her.

The nice feeling, he was able to reawaken in her, not even Kaji was able to do that for her. She lay there on the mat for a while longer but even under her nicer more expensive blankets she still felt cold. She threw off the blankets and sat up, eyeing Rei's empty section and the small cabinet where she knew the photos were stashed.

She then pushed herself up and walked down the hallway, not even sure what her full intentions were until she slid the door open, "Nathan… you awake?"

Noticing the small light moved out from behind a book she heard the groggy voice of the insomniatic boy, "Almost always… why?" he asked groaning rubbing his eyes. She stepped through the threshold and shut the door behind her, "Hey Asuka what're you doing."

She stayed silent as she kept walking towards him, "Asuka?"

"Nathan…" she whispered softly as she stood over him, watching as his eyes turned from tired confusion to something else, already his breathing seemed to deepen as he eyed her from the floor. "Asuka…?"

Just then she straddled his lap and pulled herself close into his arms, wrapping them around her before looking him in the eye hoping that he would understand what she wanted.