Chapter 1: Nightmares
Jim saw himself as if he was still in it. He felt again the sensation caused by the ship's gravity deficits, the nausea that gripped him as his guts turned inside out, the biting cold seeping through the gaps in the hull. The adrenaline did its job and kept all his senses alert.
He ran through his ship, heading towards the reactor, trying not to be distracted by his crew members screaming as they fell from the decks, overcome by fear and pain. He had to get to the reactor as quickly as possible, he had to save those who could still be saved. There were more than a hundred people who were still counting on him, on some kind of help, on the arrival of a miracle that would stop the fall of the Enterprise on Earth. This miracle had to happen. He and Scotty had to get the reactor going again.
His heart was beating so hard that he thought that with every step he took, his heart was going to come out of his chest. The veins in his temples pulsed as panic invaded every part of his being. Only adrenaline was able to keep him seemingly calm and keep him focused on every movement he made.
He continued his run with Scotty, ignoring the crew's cries as the escape pods detached from their docking rails, destroying any escape from the ship. The situation was critical and he knew it. He was ready to do anything to save his crew.
Jim watched Scotty panic as he activated on the control panel. He could hear Scotty's voice clearly explaining the problem with the switches, and... And Jim had made a choice.
In the urgency of the situation, he had to try everything. Absolutly everything. His crew was counting on him. He had to find a way to restart the reactor. There was no way the Enterprise would crash.
Jim rushed to the reactor entrance. If he was able to get the switches back in line... They would all have a chance of survival. Spock, Scotty, Bones and the others. He could see Scotty trying to stop it again. He would visualize that moment when he realized that if he went, he would not come back. He remembered making a choice. The choice to go in.
He could still feel the heat on his skin when he entered the room to access the Jefferies tube leading to the reactor. The air was burning his throat, his eyes, but he was moving forward in spite of the pain. His suffering was of no importance compared to that of his men. They had entrusted their lives to him, and he was responsible for them.
He could see the reactor at the end of the tube. He quickly spotted the problem and did his best to get there. The machine was so big in front of him. Climbing it had been hard, the heat was overwhelming and the ship continued to fall. Jim remembered having tears in his eyes when he attacked the switches. Because he knew he was already irradiated.
Putting the switches back in place was probably one of the hardest things he ever did in his life because of the unbearable pain and heat. He was getting out of breath, he was in pain, his whole body wanted to give up as he tried harder. Jim was screaming. Because he had to succeed, he had no right to fail.
He saw that beautiful light again when the switches were aligned again and he felt the immense pain of the shock when it was thrown. But it didn't matter. He had managed to restart the reactor. He needed to know if the crew was okay.
He could feel the heat, the pain as he crawled through the tunnel to reach the airlock. He had felt the sudden deceleration of the ship and knew that Spock had succeeded. It was that victory that motivated him to advance to the airlock. He had to close the door to allow the radiation to be contained. He suffocated, advancing despite everything, and after an interminable struggle, he was finally able to close the door of the reactor airlock.
Jim saw Scotty's face behind the door again. That closed expression that was trying to contain his emotions. Jim knew his fate. He knew he was only a few minutes away. The pain was all over his body, his muscles, his stomach, his chest, his head.
He could see Spock clearly again, his pain on his face as he stood up to him. Jim was happy to see Spock. Happy to have been able to see him before he died. Every breath in, every breath out was difficult and painful for him. Jim couldn't stop crying, even more so when Spock told him they were out of danger.
That was all he had wanted to hear. No one was going to die anymore. They had both managed to protect the rest of the crew. Jim was so relieved. And as he felt serene despite the pain, Spock's face revealed his grief. It was so obvious on his face, that when Jim saw the tears in his eyes, he felt honored. Spock was releasing his emotions for him.
Then his nerves broke down and he was unable to hold his emotions back, feeling his fear of death. Jim had made this choice, but it terrified him more than anything else. This anguish, this fear of emptiness, of the dark, of nothingness... And Spock who was unable to repress his emotions. It was like a gift. An honor. If only he had had more time.
Jim felt overwhelmed by the darkness, by the cold, but he wanted to stay a little longer with Spock, he wanted to fight, to fight so that he understood the attachment he had for him. Jim had thought that with Spock, they really had formed an incredible duo. They were great partners. Jim was full of regrets, but Spock was there. He had stayed there until the pain was over, until he was in the dark, until he was in the cold. Immersed in a cold, space-like nothingness, Jim had died in terrible pain.
Jim woke up with a start, panicked and soaked in sweat. Anxiety still gripped his chest as tears streamed down his cheeks. He was running out of air. The images were too sharp in his head for him to regain control of his emotions. The memory had been vivid and Jim could still feel the effects on him.
It took several minutes for him to calm down, shaken by Spock's expression anchored in his memory. It was the first time that this scene was so clear in his mind. It was also the first time it had ever had such an effect on him. He wished he'd never remembered it.
He sat in bed for a few minutes before deciding to take a shower. His skin was sticky and he needed to feel the water on his body to get his thoughts straight and clear his mind of that image of Spock. It was a lost cause. The memory was too clear and far too real to go away that easily. Jim was more than disturbed by all he had just experienced.
He decided to get ready to take his shift a few hours early. Since Spock wasn't on duty yet, he would get a head start. He took the time to have coffee in his quarters and check the news on his PADD, as he always did when he had time. The list was long and he always had something to do.
While checking the night reports, Jim watched the time until his shift came and still found a way to be slightly late. Coming out with his PADD in hand, he continued to look at the digital object as he made his way to the turbolift. He went through the restoration room, picked up a protein bar on the way, and then continued on his way through the corridors, still reading his PADD.
The reports told him of the Enterprise's trajectory and their entry into a fairly dense nebula that had caused them to change course. They would come out of distortion to take pictures, collect data and analyze the nebula to determine whether or not it was explorable. If not, Kirk would give the order to leave.
He checked his email. Usual notifications, no more surprises, a few unread messages and... and one with no sender's name. It caught Jim's attention, and he knew it was impossible. All the messages had to have a sender. He opened the message.
His heart missed a beat, and a hot flush suddenly seized him. A file was attached to the message, and it contained a list of all the missing persons on board the ship a year earlier. There were their names, photos from their files, their ages and their assignments. Some of them were young. So young. Dead on board, under his command. Under his responsibility.
His chest tightened as he was overcome by a wave of remorse. He thought about everything he had done, all the decisions he had made. What a damn selfish bastard. If he hadn't defied Marcus, if he could have convinced him to leave his crew, if only he hadn't listened to Khan, or if he hadn't wanted to rush headlong into revenge for Pike's death, if only he hadn't violated the first directive... If only... If only he had been thinking all this time.
He bumped into someone head-on, barely turning around to apologize, trying to contain his emotions as much as he could when a message had just completely shaken him. A hand grabbed his arm, stopping him in his tracks.
"Captain? "
Spock. All that was missing was him. Jim turned around and didn't dare look him in the eye. The Vulcan let go off his arm.
"Something wrong? "
He could feel his inquisitive gaze on him. Jim had a feeling that if he didn't look up at his second-in-command, he wouldn't be convincing in his answer. He forced himself to look at him, staring at the fringe of his bowl haircut.
"No, I'm sorry, my mind is elsewhere. "
The images of his memory came to strike him. He saw Spock again, his face full of pain. It was this emotion that marked Spock's face in his nightmares. The face of pain. Because of him. Spock had lost control of his emotions because he had suffered watching him die. The thought turned his stomach. How many other people had suffered so much because of him?
Jim was unable to stay longer in Spock's presence without drawing his attention even more. He smiled before he turned his heels and climbed into the first turbolift he came across and then rushed into the hallways. He had quickly left his mailbox and stopped on the way to take another cup of coffee on the gangway. He needed it. Black coffee.
Sitting in his captain's chair, Jim had put his cup on in a few minutes. He would have had another if he wasn't in the middle of his watch. These messages preoccupied him much of the time when he wasn't giving orders. He had to pull himself together before the rest of his deck crew realized that something was wrong.
"Mr. Sulu, how long will it take us to reach the edge of the nebula? "
Sulu turned to him to answer.
"In a few minutes, Captain. We're in the Beta Quadrant, near the Neutral Zone. We are still in federated territory. "
Kirk nodded.
"Good, then watch the screens, I don't want any unpleasant surprises. "
Jim looked at the huge glass in front of them. The projected screen had been removed to make way for the view of the space. A few minutes later, the Enterprise entered the huge gas cloud. The whole crew watched their entry into the cloud, fascinated. Jim thought the nebula was beautiful. The shades of blue and yellow blended into darker hues, bringing out the color contrast.
It seemed so dense, so thick and motionless that it looked like it was consistent. He recorded the images in his memory and considered it to be one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen, after the slow implosion of a planet or the exploration of a totally pink world. Jim forced himself out of his contemplation.
"Reduce the pace to light speed, Mr. Sulu. Scan the area, take pictures. If the conditions are favorable, we'll venture deeper inside. " He paused, turning to Uhura. "Are there any traces of Romulans in the area? "
"There is no indication of their presence on the frequencies, Captain. "
"Or on the screens," Chekov indicated.
Jim was thinking. They weren't in danger, the area they were in was allied, and yet he had a bad feeling about it. Maybe it was because of those damn messages. It reminded him that his haste had already caused too much damage. He couldn't make any more mistakes like that.
"Stay alert, we never know. "
It was going to be a long day. He allowed himself to get another cup of coffee before taking his seat. He resumed his PADD and checked his mailbox again. He was concerned about this anonymous message and Jim couldn't understand how such a thing was possible. He looked at the message again. It was sent internally, but the author's name was encrypted. How was this possible?! You would have had to hack the Enterprise communication software for that.
Kirk clenched his jaw and squeezed his hand on the armrest of his chair. He hoped that sending the message was just a bad joke, or the fruit of a passing grudge. He really hoped so. Because if this story were to spread and go any further, it wouldn't do any good. For him and for the author of this message.
He took the time to update the captain's written logbook, tracing the course of the USS Enterprise's exploration mission. He consulted the last returns that were made to him, on the small problems with the machinery or the requests made by the crew, the last events that they organized on board in order to add a little more life. In fact, maybe he should consider stopping at a Starfleet base before leaving the Quadrant. So that his crew can see their families before they leave.
"Captain! You owe me a consultation, please follow me. "
Kirk was startled in his chair, both surprised to hear McCoy behind him and surprised in the way he spoke to him. Too formal. Then he bumped into him.
"What, now?! Can't it wait until the end of my shift? "
Bones folded his arms.
"No, your doctor's orders! "
And without further ado, Jim was pulled into the turbolift by the doctor, who grabbed his arm firmly.
"Bones, I can't leave my place like this," Jim protested, trying to get out of the way.
"Usually you don't mind. And then I made a deal with the green-blooded goblin. "
Jim thought he didn't hear right.
"You did what?! "
Bones sighed and walked past as the doors opened. Jim followed him closely, wanting more information, but he was silenced by the doctor. It wasn't until they were alone in the infirmary, one armed with his tricorder and the other sitting on a bed that the answer came:
"We're worried about you, Jim. And when I say « we », it's not just Spock and me. It's Sulu, Uhura, Chekov, Scotty, ... You're exhausted, Jim. Physically you are and mentally it seems to follow. You're a Ferrarri trying to beat the speed record with all four wheels punctured and the handbrake! "
Jim swept Bones' remarks aside with a wave of his hand.
"Well, if you're so worried about it, I'll go and rest at the end of my shift. Satisfied? "
McCoy shook his head.
"It's for several days, Jim. I'm taking you off, just until you stabilize and you're in better shape. Until you do, you're not going back on the job. "
Jim's anger mounted so quickly that he was unable to contain it. He jumped up and walked away from Bones.
"You can't be serious! Damn it Bones, I'm fine! "
He approached with his PADD in hand, showing curves and numbers. Jim didn't need medical knowledge to know what his friend wanted to show him. Much of the data was in red and in the negative.
"I'm doing this for your own good," Bones insisted.
Jim was furious. He clenched his teeth as he left the infirmary, trying to suppress what he was feeling so that he would look okay until the last few yards from his quarters. He didn't go back over the bridge. If he came across Spock's pointed ears again soon, he would make him eat them.
Jim was really angry. He felt betrayed by his friends, seeing their action as a gesture to remove him from command of his ship. A command that was very important to him. Seeing his first officer and his chief medical officer deprived him of it was heartbreaking. They were his closest friends, the only ones he could confide in, and they had just taken away his command of the Enterprise. They no longer believed in his ability to lead his ship. The worst part of the whole story was that this was the second time it had happened to him. Twice because of Spock. What a jerk he was to get screwed again.
He spent the rest of the day cooped up in his cabin, pestering every report he received from his first commander. His first reaction would have been to ignore them all, but he had to stay professional and keep the role he had, that of captain. He still had to show that he was capable of that role, even though Spock's rigor and thoroughness in his reports was far better than his own. However, Spock's impartiality remained an asset. In a way, Jim admired him and was jealous of him.
He was pulled from his thoughts by the arrival of a message. Again, the sender was unknown. Jim's heart was tightened. He hesitated to open it for a few seconds, thinking back to the content of the other similar message read in the morning. His curiosity overcame his fear. He opened the message, which contained several files. He opened the first one. A picture. It represented what looked like an Andorian family: a man and a woman and two children, all with blue skin and fair hair. The Andorian woman, whom Jim found very pretty, was wearing the red Starfleet uniform. The next image was in the same style. A group of Starfleet cadets celebrating, some of whose faces Jim recognized as those of the missing. The rest was similar, but that didn't stop the Captain from looking through all the files, a ball of remorse pulling his guts out.
When he had finished consulting everything, he put a few minutes to silence his emotions. He had to act in a more reasoned manner. What a pity that he was not Vulcan. He closed his eyes, trying to calm his breathing. Good. Someone aboard the ship seemed to be blaming him several times, exactly one year after the incident at Starfleet HQ and the confrontation with Khan. While these accusations were well-founded, the manner in which it was done was clearly illegal. In order to prevent the sender from being displayed, the Enterprise system had to be bypassed. Jim had never tried to hack into a ship's communications network, and he wondered how it could have been done.
Suddenly, an idea popped into his head, and he couldn't reason with himself: it was decided that he was going to use his days off to hack the system. If he knew how his sender had succeeded, he could refine his search and find his identity. That way, he and Jim could talk face-to-face about exactly what he wanted from him by sending these messages. He was ready to hear the blame and suffer the person's anger because he understood him. Because he deserved it. He wasn't going to destroy another life by postponing the incident.
There was a knock at his door. Jim got up to answer, still thinking about how he was going to do it.
"Captain!" Sulu exclaimed to his face. "We're glad to see you're okay. Since you didn't come back after your visit to the infirmary... "
"We wanted to know if you wanted to join us in the dining hall for dinner," Uhura added.
Jim raised an eyebrow and looked at his watch. He hadn't really eaten all day, and now that he thought about it, he was a little hungry. He hesitated for a moment before answering; he didn't want to see Spock or Bones, he was still angry with them.
"Who's going to be there? "
Surprised by the question, the two people he was talking to looked at each other.
"Scotty and us. Spock is still studying the nebula data with Dr. Marcus, Chekov is having dinner with a girl tonight, and we don't know what Dr. McCoy is doing. "
Jim had a big smile on his face.
"I'm following you! "
A few minutes later, Jim was sitting next to Scotty and across from Uhura. He was in a good mood again, the discussion revolving around Chekov and his potential future conquest. Who would have thought that this dear Russian was so successful with women? This time he seemed to have set his sights on a really charming little denobulan, his long wavy blond hair cascading down his back. The edges of his face emphasized his cheekbones without exaggerating them too much. Pavel had decidedly good taste in terms of women. And Denobulans had their reputation too.
"She's going to eat him alive!" Jim laughed as he looked at the little couple.
"It'll be a change from Meluria, what a dork," Uhura pessimished with a nasty look.
Sulu pouffa before answering in a teasing tone:
"You're saying that because she tried to hit on Spock when you were still together! "
Kirk didn't have time to be surprised by this information that Scotty intervened:
"You're not together anymore? "
Uhura laughed back:
"For a while now Scotty, you've been getting up to date! It was an obvious way out, we never managed to tune our violins. But since then everything has been fine, I reassure you! "
"And yet greenbloods are known to have a heart as hard as stone! "
Jim turned his head to Bones, who arrived with a tray. He sat down next to Uhura. The blond man gave him a deep black look. The young lieutenant did not notice him.
"You'd be curious to see how wrong that is," Uhura winked teasingly.
As everyone laughed, Jim and Bones exchanged glances. Jim was angry. Bones was embarrassed.
"By the way, Captain, why didn't you go back to your watch if you're all right," asked Scotty.
Jim tensed up. He turned to Bones, who shrugged his shoulders, having no idea what he could answer without worrying the crew.
"The Captain has other priorities to attend to, so I'm in charge of replacing him. "
As everyone turned to the Vulcan to greet him, Jim clenched his fists and forced himself to smile and nod. He stood up and vacated his seat, with some people looking on in amazement.
"Besides, duty calls me. Good evening to all! "
And with these words, he sped off, feeling the looks on his back. He left the mess and preferred to wander through the corridors of the Enterprise to relax before returning to his cabin. He had to calm down. He was on edge right now, but that was no reason to explode in public. He was the Captain, he had to set an example. What an example he was setting...
He wandered through the lower decks, where the neighborhoods and recreation and leisure areas were located. For such a long mission, the ship was specially equipped. It passed in front of the sports halls, refectories, recreation rooms, library, ...
Jim entered out of curiosity, browsing the richly diverse shelves, curious to see what kind of books he might find. He was happy that his ship still had paper books, as digital had long since found a place in their world. But while the inhabitants of the Earth had evolved a lot in terms of technology over the last few centuries, the benefits of reading a book had remained significant and still prevailed over digital media.
He consulted a few books, curious about some of the topics discussed. There were books for entertainment, others historical, other documentaries. He even found one on comparative studies of Romulans and Vulcans. But it was after a dozen yawns that he decided to return to his quarters.
Bones was right, somewhere. He was tired. He wandered through the ship, taking his time on the way home. He greeted the crew he passed, some faces more familiar than others. He passed Carol, who was talking to an ensign in charge of operations, recognizable by her red uniform. He greeted them with a wave of his hand, not wanting to interrupt their conversation. Then he arrived in his hallway, heading straight for his quarters... and ran into Spock.
The pointy-eared man was standing at his door, ready to leave when he saw Jim coming. The captain lost his usual friendly demeanor to give a firm greeting to his officer.
"Commander Spock. "
"Captain Kirk. "
The first officer moved off to let his superior officer pass. Jim dialed his keypad to open his door. He had intended to plant Spock in front of his door, but when he entered, the Vulcan followed him uninvited. His action surprised Jim for a second. He sighed with weariness, not wanting to engage in a conversation with an inflexible man. But Spock couldn't have come for nothing. There had to be something.
The blond waited for his second in command to speak while he tidied up his cabin a little. He took off his yellow jersey to keep only his black T-shirt underneath. He then took off his shoes and, thus more comfortable, he turned his attention to his silent visitor.
"You had something to tell me, didn't you? "
Spock, who had followed him all the way, seemed to think before he started.
"That's not important. Perhaps I'd better tell you about it tomorrow. "
"Just do that," Jim replied tack-to-tackle.
As Spock was about to leave, he stopped, staring at Jim again.
"I sense anger in you. "
"Is that a question or a statement? "
Spock tilted his head slightly to the side.
"A statement. May I know why? If you don't think it's inappropriate. "
Jim saw red in a second. He stood up, covering the distance between them. He was close to throwing him out.
"What do you think, Spock? I'll point you in the right direction: I just saw my ship's command being withdrawn by my Chief Medical Officer and Number One plotting behind my back. You don't feel any remorse, do you?! Am I so incompetent in your eyes? "
Jim held his gaze before remembering the last messages. Maybe Spock wasn't the only one who thought so. He stepped back and turned his back on him.
"Dr. McCoy and I were not plotting to take away your command. We were simply concerned about your condition. In no way was this intended to call into question your ability to command this mission. "
Jim ticked at the choice of words and turned to Spock.
"Concerned? That doesn't sound like you. It doesn't make sense. "
He was scanning the Vulcan, trying to analyze it.
"Nothing about you makes sense, Captain. However, I want you to know that your friendship is important to me, something I value very highly. "
Jim was caught off guard. It was really not Spock's habit to express himself in this way. His anger subsided. He was that pitiful to make Spock stoop that low? To cause such anxiety among those around him? Jim tried to put on a good face by sketching a smile.
"Well, I'm touched. But in the future Spock, if you really care about this friendship, don't do this to me again. It's... hurtful. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I have some rest to take. "
Spock nodded. He turned to the door and opened it.
"Good night, Jim. "
"Good night, Spock. "
Then the door closed to leave Jim alone to face his thoughts. He had to pull himself together. He had to show that he was capable of fulfilling his role as Captain. He looked out of the glass window at the vastness of space, at that beautiful nebula with such contrasting nuances. He loved space. He was born there. He couldn't let himself be beaten down. His gaze then fell on the PADD: there were other things he had to settle before he could resume his command.