Chapter 2: Insomnia

Leaning over a training manual, Jim was trying to understand the workings of the ship's internal communications networks. He was studying the operation of each system and subsystem of the networks and locating areas of access to the general communication terminals. Only a few of the terminals had enough functionality and served as a transmission box, where the sender's stored data was temporarily stored for retransmission to the receiver.

From what he understood, the hacking had to be done at one of these terminals, so that the sender's data could be erased before retransmission. However, it didn't seem so simple to do and bypassing the Enterprise's security was more than complicated.

He reached for his umpteenth cup of coffee of the day, without taking his nose off what he was studying. The lack of sleep was seriously getting on his nerves and the unknown messages about the victims of the incident with Khan kept pestering him. The last time he had received one, it had cost him a PADD, which he had violently sent against the wall of his apartments.

"How much longer are you going to stare at him like that, Sir? "

Jim looked up to see Caleb, a security cadet with whom he'd become friends through frequenting this break room. The cadet was sitting across from him, also drinking his coffee. The blond then followed the direction of his glance, which stopped on a blue polo shirt.

"I was just gauging the Captain's level of concentration in his task, Cadet. " He met Jim's eyes. "I must admit, finding the Captain learning on his own time is fascinating. "

Jim looked at him.

"I don't know if I should take that as a compliment," he replied dryly.

"I'm just making an observation, the skills you need for your job don't require that knowledge. I didn't mean to flatter you. "

Jim rolled his eyes and looked back at the younger man in red, who was trying not to laugh. Caleb was a really nice guy. Besides being human, he had everything going for him: a good build, an eye-pleasing physique, a killer smile and a vibrant personality. As he got to know him, he realized why this man was so popular. Maybe he was also popular because he was trying to pick up Carol Marcus. On the Enterprise, this kind of gossip was not lost on anyone.

"Playtime is over, so I'll leave you to it. Captain. Commander Spock. "

Caleb stood up and put his money where his mouth was, nodded at them and left the room.

There was a brief pause where the two men seemed to size each other up. He and Spock hadn't spoken much since Jim had been relieved of his command a few days before. Spock seemed to be deep in thought. Jim realized that Caleb and the Vulcan were very different people. Their personalities were totally different: Spock was cold as ice and introverted, while Caleb was warm, trusting and humorous. The chemistry between them could go wrong. As it sometimes did with him personally. Jim snapped back to reality.

"So, besides calling me a fool, you were here for? "

Spock raised an eyebrow but ignored Jim's remark, having easily identified it as a dig.

"We've been in the nebula for a few days now, and except for a few magnetic storms that we couldn't detect before, we have nothing on our screens. "

Jim looked for the problem. There wasn't one.

"So... you're telling me there's nothing to report? "

"I was keeping you informed. I also came to see for myself how you were doing, since you seem to be taking refuge in that part of the ship. "

Jim was hallucinating. He stood up to face Spock.

"Because now I'm not allowed to go anywhere I want on my ship? "

The anger was visible on his face and the Vulcan's lack of response frustrated him. He continued:

"I'm here because the library is next door, but it doesn't have a coffee machine, so I stay next door and go back and forth a few times. Do you have a problem with that? "

He had moved closer to Spock in an attempt to intimidate him and make him back off, but the other man remained unmoved. A minute passed, then two, without either moving or speaking. Jim was getting impatient and was aware of the closeness between him and Spock. The Vulcan didn't seem to mind, and that made him even more angry. He gave up and stepped back, on edge.

"Damn it, do something about it, Spock! I know you can do it! How frustrating you can be! "

Spock merely tilted his head slightly to the side.

"How long has it been since you slept? "

Jim's blood rushed to his throat, and he let out an angry cry:

"Fuck you if you're going to lecture me! "

He turned and grabbed his manual and headed for the door, not giving Spock a glance.

"I'm not blaming you, but Dr. McCoy and I feel that-"

Jim turned sharply at the mention of the doctor.

"You're ploting behind my back? How long has this been going on between you and Bones? Besides, how long have you two been able to get along? What am I gonna find out soon? That you're dating?! "

Jim had gone overboard without thinking his last sentence. But he saw the confusion in Spock's eyes. What did that mean? No, impossible, he knew Bones and his attraction to Christine. There was no way he was right. The thought made his heart ache. He was delusional to think such nonsense. He was ridiculous. Jim turned around and continued down the hall.

"Captain! "

He heard Spock's rapid footsteps. Light, but fast. Damn Vulcan with his enhanced abilities. He felt his arm being grabbed and turned.

"I assure you that there is nothing of the sort between Doctor McCoy and myself and that our relationship is strictly professional. "

He knew that. But the fact that Spock felt compelled to justify it was even stranger. He didn't understand Spock's behavior. He didn't understand him anymore. He disengaged himself from his grip, surprised that Spock had allowed himself to touch him. Spock, and his gifts of empathy through touch. Jim felt assaulted. He stared at his second in command, his gaze as cold as his intonation:

"Don't touch me. Leave me alone. "

He returned to his quarters and this time Spock didn't follow him. He quickly punched in the code to enter his quarters and tossed his things onto the table. He began to pace, unable to control the flood of feelings he was experiencing. Anger, frustration, pain, sorrow, anguish, remorse, disgust. He couldn't get the images of Spock, of Khan, of the people who had died a year before, out of his head.

Nauseated, he headed for the bathroom to return what was in his stomach, much of it in the form of half-digested coffee. His stomach contracted several times before he was able to stop them. When the crisis was over, he rinsed his mouth several times, taking advantage of the water to rinse his face and try to calm himself down. When he looked up to see his reflection in the mirror, he felt sorry for himself.

He had changed. He was staring at his own empty blue eyes, highlighted by dark circles that stood out even more with his pale complexion. He was pitiful. Never had he let himself sink like that, never had he given up so much. The messages he had been receiving over and over again in the last few days had finally taken away what was left of his self-esteem.

When did he become so irritable, so prone to anger? Where had the jovial, impulsive, humorous Jim gone to become so annoying? Where was the man who felt satisfaction every time he accomplished something? Clearly, he wasn't there anymore. He had reached a point where even facing his own reflection made him anxious. He was disgusted with himself for what he had done, for who he was.

Jim felt dirty. He undressed and got into the shower, scrubbing his skin as if to wash away all the negative feelings he had. He had to pull himself together before he finally snapped and fucked up his career and his life for good. But he couldn't do it by trying to forget, nor by trying to solve everything.

He had to think logically, objectively, acting in a certain order of priority. That was clearly what he lacked, and that's why Spock was so good at helping him. Until then. He sighed, refocusing again. He had to get back in the saddle. He had to sleep. Then he would deal with his anonymous stalking problem that was becoming more and more burdensome. After that, he would see. He didn't want to think about what to do next.

Exhausted, Jim decided that his immediate priority was to go to sleep. The thought distressed him, as much as the nightmares he was having, but he had no choice. Putting on a simple pair of underpants after having dried himself, he slipped into his bed. Tiredness did the rest: he fell asleep in a few minutes.

Spock had watched Kirk leave without moving. The Captain was definitely not his usual self. Spock had noticed the differences in his behavior for some time, but now it was getting harder and harder for his superior to keep his cool. It wasn't in his character to get carried away so easily or to be so touchy.

The Vulcan had noticed the first signs of change in the Captain's behavior a few weeks earlier. He knew Jim, from being around him every day, from trying to analyze him and watching him to better anticipate his directives. That was one of his roles as the number one officer. To watch over his Captain and assist him.

Spock knew that the events of the hunt for Khan had traumatized him. He knew that sooner or later Kirk would break down and he was prepared to act when that happened. To help him cope as best he could. It had led him to be fascinated by Kirk's actions, which he could not predict despite all the data he had accumulated on him. He was always a random unknown in his equations, and of all the possibilities, the Captain could find another. Spock could only hold him in greater respect.

After his breakup with Nyota, Spock had more free time to devote to his research, his reading, and to Kirk. The time spent with him had strengthened their bond, and over time he had become more intrigued with the personal side of his captain, with his past that remained a mystery to him. There were still large grey areas in his life that were not included in his personnel file. Each part of him that he discovered a little more only fascinated him.

The commander enjoyed the company of his captain, even though they were at odds with each other: their cultures, their characters, their ways of thinking and acting. Despite their disagreements and clashes, they had always had a good dynamic and never stayed out of touch. Spock had even thought, over the months, that he had been deluded about his predictions and that Kirk would be fine, that he had recovered. He had been wrong about him again.

He had noticed that his smile was fading, that his extravagant attitude with the crew was waning, that the physical contact he usually made was becoming more rare. He isolated himself from other people, preferring to spend more time alone in his quarters or wandering the ship. He did their missions well, but it seemed to Spock that he returned more and more weary each time he came aboard. For someone like him, this withdrawal was alarming. Spock compared his Captain to a flame that was going out.

This was confirmed when the first signs of sleep deprivation appeared in the Captain. Dr. McCoy had obviously noticed this as well, and through a combination of circumstances, the two of them had come to discuss Kirk's condition. It was clear to the Doctor that the Captain was having a breakdown. If the situation didn't improve, the consequences for his Starfleet career would be catastrophic. Starfleet meant everything to him.

Spock thought about the consequences of such a loss if Jim were to experience it. His life would probably be destroyed in his eyes. Spock found the idea unthinkable. Revolting. He didn't want to let Jim go down, he couldn't let him go again. It had hurt him too deeply.

He had asked Dr. McCoy to help him take care of himself, but after that discussion, Spock was well aware that everything he had done had had the complete opposite effect. He had still not understood the nuances of human emotion, and in the face of the even more unpredictable Captain, he had made the situation worse.

He lowered his head to his hand, pausing in his activity in the lab. A few days before, he had deliberately touched Jim to stop him in a hallway when they had bumped into each other. Despite his defenses, the emotions in his Captain were so strong that Spock had picked them up. What he had felt had alerted him. And now, at their last fight...

He had rejected it. Jim Kirk, so familiar with physical contact, had rejected his. And Jim was hurt by his action. Spock had not intended to, nor did he want to feel his emotions. He knew how to respect the privacy of his peers. But the emotions in his Captain were so strong... Even so, they should never have broken through his mental defenses. This whole last discussion had only made things worse. Kirk was not going to calm down so easily.

Spock got up and left the lab, leaving his study of the gas composition of the nebula they were passing through. He went to the medical deck and found Dr. McCoy bent over a console, writing his reports. Sickbay looked empty.

"Doctor McCoy. "

The man looked up from his console with a frown.

"Spock. Is there a problem? "

Spock got right to the point.

"Yes, I do. I need your help. It's about Jim. "

The doctor let out a long sigh.

"What did you say again? "

Spock tilted his head slightly to the side.

"I was just stating facts, but it obviously hurt him. "

McCoy ran a hand over his face.

"God, when he's on edge, you're the first one who's ever managed to piss him off! You're the spark that ignites the fire and now he's on fire! I'm a doctor, not a fireman! "

Spock refrained from correcting the doctor on his words. The doctor stood up.

"He'll never want me to talk to him, I'll be thrown out like I have the plasma plague! But I'll give it a shot. I'll let you know. Honestly, you're not missing a beat! "

The doctor walked past him towards the exit.

"Doctor. " He stopped. "Tell him I didn't mean to hurt him. Please. "

McCoy nodded and left the room. Although McCoy would probably make it right, Spock felt no satisfaction. He stretched his fingers to relax his muscles and returned to work.

Doctor McCoy had failed. The Captain had not opened the door to his quarters and he had preferred not to insist any longer. Spock thought of a way to rectify his mistakes. He had dinner with Nyota and Sulu but did not participate in their conversation, his thoughts turning to James T. Kirk. He kept thinking about their last conversation, looking for new things he could say that would not offend Jim again.

What could have bothered him about what he had said? Spock couldn't figure it out. Had he simply said something he wasn't ready to hear? From his defensive behavior Spock concluded that he had assaulted Jim in some way. The physical contact. Had Jim been afraid that he would use his empathic abilities on him?

If that was it, he needed to clear things. He needed to talk to Jim about it before their relationship fell apart and it spilled over to the crew. There was no way he was going back to study the particles in the nebula or anything else about the last planet they had visited. Spock thought back to that mission, where the Captain had been left alone when he had returned to the Enterprise with their crew. Maybe he could have at least saved him from getting hurt.

His steps led him to the door of Kirk's quarters. They hadn't seen each other all day, and he wasn't sure if he was there. But he tried to signal his presence by ringing the intercom. He rang once and waited. He rang a second time after two minutes. If Kirk was present, he either didn't want to talk to anyone or was surprisingly slow to respond. And if it was an emergency, Kirk had to be reachable. He rang a third time. The next moment, the door opened on Kirk, shirtless, his face still drowsy and covering one ear.

"I heard you the other two times," he grunted.

Kirk looked up at Spock.

"Problem, Commander? "

Spock was confused for a few seconds. He didn't think the Captain would be able to open the door without putting on an extra suit. He raised his eyes to look at the blond man.

"I wanted to speak with you about our discussion earlier this morning, but it seems I am obviously disturbing you. "

Kirk seemed to consider the situation. It took him longer than usual. He pulled himself out of the doorway.

"No, come in. Now that I'm awake... "

Spock was surprised by this. He entered the quarters as Kirk disappeared into his room to change into a black shirt.

"I'm listening. "

Kirk sat down at the table where they both used to play chess. Spock took his usual seat.

"I wanted to apologize to you. I obviously hurt your feelings, and I assure you that was not my intention, quite the contrary. "

The blond man continued to stare at him with his blue eyes. Spock continued.

"You were right. I do care about your condition and that is what led to my actions. "

Kirk raised an eyebrow. He leaned forward more.

"I have the right to your apology and you prove me right in less than two minutes? You must be very concerned about me. "

Spock could clearly hear the change in intonation in Jim's voice. It sounded like bitterness. He nodded briefly.

"Yes. I mean it, Jim. I can't watch you go down without doing something. "

Spock saw Jim clench his jaw before looking away. From these simple observations, Spock could easily guess that he had struck a chord with Jim. He continued.

"I want to help you. You are my captain, but you are also my friend. "

Jim smiled as he turned his gaze to him for a moment. Just for a moment, but the forced smile remained on his face.

"I'm not really a Captain anymore, so... But I'm touched, Spock. Thank you. "

The Vulcan noted the answer in the corner of his mind.

"If you need to discuss this, I'll always be willing to listen. "

Jim looked him in the eye. The blue of his gaze was very bright.

"I know. I'll think about it. "

Spock looked closely at Jim. His features were still marked by fatigue. The little wrinkle he had between his eyebrows, one that only appeared when Jim was anxious, was still there. It hadn't left him for days, even when he was working. Spock had noticed it this morning as he watched him. That, plus his contracted posture, his increasingly shifty gaze in the halls, and the forced smiles that mobilized more muscles than necessary.

"I also owe you an apology, Spock. For my misbehavior. "

Spock raised an eyebrow. To him, there was no need for him to apologize.

"You owe me nothing. "

Jim smiled. This time it was genuine.

"I owe you that apology, Spock. I should never have acted that way or raised my voice at you.

Spock chose to accept the apology with a nod. Jim would accept it better that way. He scratched the back of his head hesitantly. "

"If... you don't have any plans for the evening, I was going to grab something to eat quickly in the mess hall... If you want... "

Jim hesitated to follow through with his request. A simple enough request that Spock could easily anticipate. He met him halfway.

"We could play a game of chess while you eat. "

Jim smiled appreciatively. When he was embarrassed, Spock had noticed that he was much more hesitant in his maneuvers. He got up first. Jim followed him outside. This time Spock felt satisfaction: the situation had unraveled more easily than he had estimated.

Jim was out of time. He had spent the day before sleeping, his evening with Spock, and he had worked the rest of the night and the next day. He was still thinking about Spock's visit. He had always enjoyed his company and his presence had really lifted his spirits. He hadn't expected his apology and he was still struggling to process what Spock had said. He had been genuinely touched by Spock's maneuver.

The Vulcan had been genuinely understanding and more touched by his condition than Jim would have thought. It had warmed his heart to see it. Spock had given him some advice during their chess game, and he'd also given him a bit of a pep talk. But maybe he had needed it. Spock had been right to tell him to open up a little more. He knew what it would do for him. But he still had trouble opening up about some things. Especially about his fears.

He sighed. He was tired, it was the end of the afternoon. He was putting off, as he always did, the moment when he would have to close his eyes to sleep. He couldn't stand the nightmares he was having, the memories that were resurfacing. He couldn't see any of it anymore. Maybe if he took something for sleep... He closed his eyes, already hearing Bones' voice in his head. He was going to lecture him again. Too bad, that would be the price to pay.

He went to the infirmary, where he suspected Bones would still be working. When he entered, he was examining a communications ensign. Jim waited off to the side, noticing that Nurse Chapel was not there.

"Well, it's obviously a little iron deficiency, not alarming. Take these pills twice a day for three weeks, and then I'll do another checkup, okay? If you feel any other symptoms, such as shortness of breath, lack of stamina, exhaustion, come back and see me. "

The ensign nodded and smiled.

"Thank you, Doctor. "

The ensign saluted them both and left. McCoy turned to Jim and put his fists on his hips.

"Your exhaustion, my dear, is not due to a lack of iron! "

Jim looked up at his friend's sarcasm. He took a seat on the bed where the sign was.

"Okay, okay. I was just coming for that. I... I need something to... "

He left his sentence hanging. He didn't like making requests that revealed his weaknesses. Bones rolled his eyes and turned back to his desk, where he grabbed a box of pills off the table. He returned to him, waving the box in front of his face.

"In case you have trouble sleeping? I've been waiting for you to ask for a while! You want to talk about your nightmares? "

Jim was stunned.

"How do you know that-"

"Jim, I was your roommate all through Starfleet. I endured your hangovers, your inflated ego, the plethora of conquests you brought home and I was there for one of the worst times of your life. "

Jim grimaced. The moment Bones was referring to had affected him deeply and he had gone through the worst phases. He'd had many nightmares about it too, and it hadn't been an easy time for Bones either. Jim sighed and held his head in his hands.

"I'm such a drag. "

Bones patted him on the shoulder.

"Sure you are. But you're a drag-Captain. Get back in the saddle, Jim. "

Len had never been much for reassurance, but this was perfect for Jim. He gave him a grateful smile as Bones returned to his desk. He pulled two glasses and a bottle of what looked like Scotch from his drawer. He returned with the filled glasses and handed her one.

"Thank you, Len. "

He grinned as Bones snapped:

"Stop calling me that! The last time I heard that nickname-"

"It was from your ex-wife, I know! "

Jim laughed as Bones glowered at him. They toasted and Bones grumbled as he took a sip. The blond enjoyed the warmth that poured down his throat. With that little drink and the medicine Bones was giving him, he was going to sleep like a baby. This thought clicked in his mind.

"Tell me, is it safe to take alcohol and medication over a short period of time? "

Bones looked at him for a moment, seeming to think hard.

"Uh no !" he finally said in a light tone.

Jim looked at him, squinting.

"You scare me sometimes as a doctor. "

Bones' reply was sharp.

"And you scare me as a captain. And not just "sometimes"!"

Jim smiled again, knowing that Bones' jabs were never meant to hurt. Under normal circumstances, he might have laughed. This time, he was having a harder time. Len sat down next to him.

"You really don't want to talk about it, Jim? "

He looked down at the bottom of his glass.

"Not now. I'm... still having trouble getting over it. "

There was a moment of silence before Bones spoke again.

"You know Jim, asking for help will never make you weak. On the contrary, it will be an added strength to help you. Sometimes you have to accept the help you get. "

Jim nodded. Bones was right.

"I know, Len, thank you. "

There was silence again, during which they both sipped their drinks. Once again, the doctor broke the silence.

"You know, if this has anything to do with Khan, you might try talking to Spock about it. Yeah, I know, it's weird that I'm saying this, but he seems to be worried about you, and he was clearly more in the forefront than I was! Anyway, I think this might help you. Contrary to what he says, the damn green-blood still has feelings. "

Jim turned his head to Bones. They had all been affected by the events, each in a different way. They hadn't really talked about it since. Spock had never spoken of his feelings. Jim knew there had been one. He remembered it, he'd seen it. There had also been something in Nyota's report that withheld some details about Khan's arrest, and Spock's usual lack of detail in his was notable.

"Spock came to me last night to apologize. "

Bones raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, really?! After you blew your mind, that seems fair enough! "

Jim gave him a look that was meant to be evil, but was far from it.

"I was pissed off at you too! You plotted to remove me from office! "

Bones pointed at him with his index finger like an adult admonishing a child.

"And rightly so! Now I hope you're going to use your time to get back on your feet and not kill yourself again doing something else! I don't know what you're doing on the lower decks, but I've got spies all over the place watching you! "

Jim didn't believe Bones for a second.

"Did Christine see me in the corridors? "

Bones crossed his arms and pouted.

"Very early this morning, when she took the first shift. She said you'd been up a long time. "

Jim admitted his mistake.

"I'm out of touch, I'm pulling a lot of all-nighters. I'll try to make up for it with your stuff. "

He waved the bottle of pills.

"These aren't sleeping pills, Jim. Since I have to watch out for all your allergies, these pills only have a relaxing effect. So to solve your insomnia problems for good, you'll have to do a lot of work here."

He pressed his finger to Jim's chest.

"Understood, Doctor. "

Bones nodded.

"Honestly, Jim, I don't want to see you like this again. Pull yourself together. "

Jim stood up, putting his glass back behind him. He put his hand on Bones' shoulder.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to sink that low. "

McCoy wasn't convinced.

"You said that, too, and you were so heartbroken you were the world's oldest loser. "

Jim grinned. To appear more relaxed when the subject still hurt him even after many years.

"There's no chance of anything like what happened here happening again. Besides, I'd have to find someone, and since I'm a captain, I'm out of the way! "

Bones remained concerned, however. Jim continued, looking petty:

"By the way, you... how are things with Christine? "

This time Bones stood up.

"Well, someone's going to sleep! "

Jim was still laughing out loud when he was thrown out.