He ran. He ran fast and hard, dashing through the shadows and trees with only one goal in mind. Every step and every breath, it was all for her. He could feel it, how close he was, and it drove him to push himself further, to make sure he did what he set out do to; however, fate was not on his side. The moment his right foot hit the thick tree branch, a strange yet oh so familiar sensation ripped through him.

"Itachi," Pein threatened, voice filling his head. "I don't know what type of personal business you ran off to attend to, nor do I care, for now anyways, but you are to return to the base immediately. There isn't time to waste on petty things. We have a goal to keep."

Coming to a halt, Itachi let his shoulders fall. Now was not the time to against Pein or bring suspicion upon himself.

"Hai." Kokoa would have to wait. Itachi shook his head and once again started back for the base, cursing himself and Akatsuki in the process.

Days after returning to the base Itachi found himself feeling low, lower than usual, and it showed. He fought it so hard, but it still showed, and it both irked and terrified him. He controlled Sasuke, instilled hatred and a thirst for revenge. He mapped out his little brother's future, but he had no control over Kokoa, over her thoughts, feelings, and actions. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't make her hate him, and now he couldn't even return what belong to her. He could do nothing for or to her. He was defeated.

He inched down the dim hall with half lidded eyes, the collar of his cloak turned up, arms dangling at his sides as he moved like the undead. He paused at the overwhelming presence joining him in the hall.

"I want to speak with you. Now." They faded to another room, a dark room; empty, quiet, cold; what Itachi's heart should be but wasn't.

"You disappeared. You left without warning, without notice. You returned to your home village. Why?" Pein inquired, wasting no time.

"Personal matters."

"You are Akatsuki. To be Akatsuki means to forsake personal matters, to abandon and sever any and all ties and connections. You give up everything for this one goal, the goal we all share."

"I know."

"If you know then why are you running off in the midst of things and moping around when you return like some abused dog in the streets?" he spat. Itachi lowered his gaze.

"Are you having doubts?"

"Of course not," he said.

"Then why? What's so important? What has Uchiha Itachi running around like a mad man? What are these so called personal matters?" he said with a tilt of his head. Itachi said nothing, only lowered his gaze again.

"Maybe you are having doubts. Maybe you are questioning our motives. Surely you haven't gone to Konoha to warn them –"

"I did no such thing."

"It's too risky to pursue to Kyuubi again. That can't be it. What is it, Itachi? Must I…force it out of you?" Itachi raised his head, scarlet sharingan meeting endless rinnegan; two abysmal forces.

"We won't do this. Not here and not now," Pein stated. Itachi turned his head, blinking away the sharingan.

"As I said, they were personal matters, nothing that concerns or affects Akatsuki. I needed to see someone is all, but don't worry, I was unable to."

"Who?"

"Hm?"

"Who did you need to see?"

"Someone from my past."

"Why?"

"It doesn't matter –"

"Oh no, you see Itachi, it does matter. It matters because this person has you losing focus. It matters because you're sneaking around. A group of S ranks like us already has enough trouble trusting one another. The last thing we need is everyone running off on their own adventures. We have an agenda. Who is throwing you off track? Don't make me pry it out of you or of someone you once knew."

"A woman. A woman from my past," he sighed.

"And what's so special?"

"I…" He couldn't. He shouldn't. "She's an enemy. Someone I've had trouble with before. She stole from me." His heart. "She tormented me." She still loved him. "And if we cross again she'll interfere with my job. I wanted to settle things. I wanted to end it."

"Name."

"Hm?" He furrowed his brow.

"Her name. Where is she? I have eyes and ears everywhere. I'll end it for you so you can get back to work."

"No," he said. What had he done? He knew Pein was serious, that he would eliminate anyone and everyone who opposed or interfered with Akatsuki. If he found out, he would kill Kokoa whether she was Itachi's enemy or if he learned the truth of their relationship. After all, Nagato had lost his parents, his best friend, and his home. Killing a mere woman, even if he knew what Kokoa meant to Itachi, would be nothing to him so long as it meant stepping closer to his goal. He would claim he was teaching Itachi a lesson through pain. He would make him stronger by it.

"No?"

"She's not worth your time. It's between us. I will be the one to end her. I will settle the score. I don't need anyone getting involved."

"She's keeping you from your work. Itachi you belong here. You fit well. You and I…we're not so very different. I have trusted you. I have believed in you and seen your worth. You are an important asset to Akatsuki. Do not throw it all away for some silly woman from the past."

"I understand. I won't step out of line again," Itachi said, heading to leave after Pein responded with a nod.

"Itachi," he called. The Uchiha paused, back still to him. "A word of caution, I'm not fond of liars."

"Ah."

He roamed the base, the same hollow eyes, the same aching heart. Returning to his room, he fell to the bed, gazing up at the ceiling.

"There's a rumor going around a certain sharingan user was scolded by the big man," Kisame said, stepping inside. Itachi sat up with a sigh.

"I can't say I blame him for being so concerned though. What's gotten into you, Itachi-san? I know we all have our moments, but this is bizarre, especially for someone who's normally so reserved and controlled. As much as I love seeing you squirm sometimes, even I have to admit you're a mess."

Itachi said nothing, only picked slightly at his nails.

"Just how much did she mean to you?" Kisame asked suddenly. "You truly loved her? Does he know?" he sighed, rolling his eyes at Pein.

"I told him she was trouble from my past and I wanted to settle things, but he's not dumb. He knows, and I'm afraid I've slipped and caused her more trouble. If she dies because I couldn't keep my shit together I'll –" He clenched his jaw, falling quiet in the end.

"You think he'll kill her so there's no more distraction?" Kisame inquired. "I wouldn't put it past him, but he's…well he's a complicated man. I honestly couldn't tell you what he'd think or do."

"He'll do anything to reach his goal."

"Even waste time on a sad Konoha girl?"

"If she gets in the way."

"Then she'll have to keep her distance."

"Kisame, Kokoa followed me to Tanzaku. She hunted me down to talk despite everything I've done. I don't know what that meeting did to her. I don't know if her spirit's broken or if she's crazy enough to come after me again. How can I protect her if I can't be there with her?" he confided in his partner.

"Listen to yourself, Itachi-san. You're an S rank rogue shinobi who killed his own flesh and blood without batting an eye. You can't mope around over a weak girl just because you two had a "thing" in the past. Especially around here. If you need her that bad then go get her, otherwise drop it before everyone starts to question where your loyalties lie. If you won't bring her here then walk away like you did all those years ago. You turned you back once. You can do it again." He shifted Samehada from his right hand to his left, eyeing his partner.

"I know. And I will. I'll drop it after I do one last thing."

"Oh? Do go on."

"I have something of hers. Something hidden away that I must return. Once she has it - or I at least leave it somewhere for her to find, I'll stop this silly game; chasing this impossible dream, the dream I told her would never happen. If you help me with this last task I will step back and I will walk away from her." He met Kisame's eyes.

"We do it the next time we're assigned something. No running around causing a scene. And if I don't feel we should at the moment, then we won't. I'll help you this one last time, Itachi-san, only because you've been a decent partner thus far, and who knows when I myself might need a favor."

"Arigato," Itachi nodded.

"In the meantime, clean up your act. You do remember who you are, don't you? What you did, where you are? Don't be so quick to toss everything you've worked for out the window for a woman who could just be playing you in the end. Just as your little brother is bent on revenge, who's to say that Kokoa girl isn't planning the same, just in her own twisted way? After all you've done I can't imagine she'd actually believe you two could happen. Get it together. Lay low. This is Akatsuki, not Konoha." He sneered one last time before leaving the Uchiha.

"Yo."

"It's been a while, Kakashi-san."

"Well I've been busy with the team. Missions and all."

"I know," Kokoa nodded. "How – how is Sasuke doing?" she inquired, moving to the kitchen to make some tea.

"He's improved, although his teamwork with Naruto isn't the best. It's been better," he sighed.

"Kakashi-san, how is he…" she said, her voice low and firm. He turned away with a sigh, shoving his fists in his pockets.

"Why are you asking if you know?"

"I'm curious if he's only miserable when around me or all the time," she shrugged.

"Why would he be miserable only with you?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Because I've been miserable and it's rubbing people the wrong way. Granted, I've always rubbed people the wrong way, but it's just worse now. I can barely take care of myself. I think it's taking a toll on him."

"Sasuke will live, Kokoa. You're going through something that's as painful as it is terrifying. He cares about you. I don't think he'd be the one to walk away from you."

"I know he cares, Kakashi-san, but sometimes a person can only take so much." She let her shoulders fall with a sigh. "He's slipping. He's so agitated and wound up. He's like a bomb waiting to go off, and the fact all I'm doing is laying around convulsing in pain doesn't really help. I should be there for him, but I can't be –"
"You took him in when you were young, Kokoa. He isn't blood, your kin. You had no obligation to do so. You gave him everything. Stop saying you failed or that you're incapable of supporting him," he told her. She hugged herself, staring at her shoes.

"He's a big boy. He's aware of everything. You can't scold him or watch his every move. You have to let him do his thing."

"It's only a matter of time before he loses it. He's throwing everything away for revenge," she spat.

"You're not so very different."

"But I didn't…I wouldn't…"

"Sasuke is fixated on revenge, and you are fixated on hearing Itachi's truth. You're right, he is slipping, and it's only a matter of time before he snaps, but if you tell him that he's just going to explode sooner than later."

"So what? I wait until he does lose his mind and runs off after Itachi?"

"Kokoa," he sighed. "I can't help your relationship with Sasuke. What you two have is special. It's complicated and rooted in a painful past. I cannot intervene. I came to see how you were doing, your migraines."

"Still pulsing away."

"Are you sick? Are you hot?" He stepped over, slipping off a glove to press the back of his hand against her forehead. She flinched.

"It's ok," he assured her. "Kokoa," he whispered. "Jiraiya-sama knows about your symptoms."

"He does?"

"Ah, but just listen. He said he has a theory in mind on what could be causing them. He was going to do some research while he could, but he got caught up in something. Also, suddenly associating with you right when you started having the migraines might bring some unwanted attention. He apologizes, but he has to drop the issue for now."

"So the only person who might have answers can't help…"

"Not right now, but perhaps in the future. I can't say, honestly."

"Thank you for telling me," she said softly, pushing his hand away.

"Can I ask you something, Kokoa?"

"No…"

"Why do you allow yourself to feel so much pain?"

"Having this conversation again are we? Heh, like I have a choice," she chuckled sadly.

"Well you do. You're a shinobi. You have the training. Why suffer like this? Why become this mess?"

"Would you rather I sell my soul to those bastards? I was a good shinobi. I always put Konoha first, did everything I could to make my village proud, but the minute something terrible happened everyone was so quick to point and whisper. Sarutobi betrayed me. Tsunade is annoyed with me. Root is harassing me. Why should I be a tool for those who have only ever hurt me? Why should I forsake my humanity for them, for this village, this hell?" She turned her face, jaw clenched. Kakashi stared on.

"My mother retired when she was pregnant. She gave up the life of a shinobi for something she cared about, for her child. If they won't trust me or help me why try? Perhaps I should do the same."

"And what is it you care about?" he pressed. "Aren't you tired of hurting so much, Kokoa?"

"Of course," she whispered. "But it's not a switch I can turn off and on. I don't have a choice, and no amount of training will dull this ache in my chest. Ninja are taught no emotion, but I've always had emotions. I've always been alive, real, because of Itachi. If I abandon my humanness it's the same as abandoning him and those feelings; those memories. I'd rather die."

"You're willing to live out the rest of your life with that aching in your chest so long as your memory of him never fades…"

"They teach you no emotion and that we're tools, but a good ninja can also be about loyalty and honor; dedication to one's comrades, to the mission, and to the village. I am strong in my own right, and I am loyal. I think I'm a good shinobi, but others might not agree. My opinions differ than Konoha's expectations, and I'm no longer a citizen but a prisoner and a pariah. If it comes to it, I will leave the force and be my own ninja; follow my own nindo and do whatever I deem right and just, even if it means I'll be hurting. At least I'm alive. And I know I say I want to die sometimes, but deep inside I don't because I have this tiny sliver of hope. I can't walk away from that. I hate this specific feeling that hurts so much, but I need to feel otherwise it's the same as being dead."

"You will leave the force and be your own ninja; follow your own nindo and do whatever you deem right and just, even if it means you'll be hurting…Kokoa, isn't that what Sasuke is doing? Following his own path to get justice for his clan even though it means leaving everything behind…"

"Tsk," she clicked her tongue, turning away, fuming. That was just like Kakahsi, using her own words against her. Sasuke was leaving for power, for Orochimaru. It was,

"Different. It's different."

"Don't be a hypocrite, Kokoa. Face it. You and Sasuke each have a goal you're willing to die for. You can't stop him if you don't want him stopping you."

"He's on some power trip. He'll hurt himself – get killed."

"And you won't? Itachi nearly killed you."

"But he didn't."

"He could have."

"I'm alive, Kakashi."

"He simply spared your life on a whim. Or maybe, just maybe you mean nothing to him anymore. He didn't kill you because you aren't worth it in his eyes."

"N – no I am. I am worth it. He held back for a reason."

"Is that what helps you sleep at night? Reading too far into what he did or didn't do? You can feel, believe, and do as you wish, but you cannot lecture me about Sasuke slipping away when you're no better."

"Well since you seem to have the answer to everything, Kakashi-san, tell me what to do. How do I stop feeling like the dirt beneath everyone's shoes? How do I save my precious Sasuke? How do I fix everything that's wrong?"

"Stop acting like a victim, Kokoa."

"But I am a victim."

"You don't have to be. Fight it."

"I've been fighting it all these years."

"The only fight you've been struggling with is your own internal conflict. Until you figure it out, you're going to be stuck and miserable while people walk all over you."

"Figure what out, Kakashi?" She stood there confused. The conversation had shifted again. She rubbed her face in agitation.

"Who you are."

"Who I am? I just recently learned my mother committed suicide and everyone thought my father was stupid. I don't know where I came from. I don't know who or what I am. Itachi was helping me find my way, but…" Pressing her back against the edge of the counter, she slid to the floor with a sigh. Kakshi met her sad eyes, shrugging his shoulders, out of things to say.

"Right now I'm a suspect, a contained animal with my captor always watching. That girl I used to be, that Kokoa was buried a long time ago. That's who I really am, but I'm not sure what it'll take to bring her back."

"Yes you do, Kokoa."

"But it's so far from me. So very far."

"Now why would the Kuroki Kokoa avoid me?" Itachi spoke, approaching the girl with her back to him. She stood gazing out over a small cliff, a warm wind fluttering her hair. She stiffened, not in the mood for company, especially Itachi's. "I know I didn't do anything. I couldn't have. You haven't talked me. We didn't even have lunch." He walked over, smiling softly to himself at how she sometimes wore socks with her ninja footwear, an odd habit that made her stand out.

"It's rude to ignore me," he pouted, standing shoulder to shoulder. The girl turned her face, crossing her arms as well.

"Kokoa if I said something, I'm sorry. I don't remember though. Like I said, you've been avoiding me," he mumbled in the end. He sighed, figuring she was going to be stubborn about it. He decided to give her space and aimed to leave when his eye caught the tears inching down her cheeks.

"Koko…a?" He moved closer, but she turned away again in embarrassment. "Why are you crying, Kokoa?"

"You're leaving me."