Chapter 4: Feelings
Spock had carried Jim to his personal quarters. He had collapsed in the middle of the corridors and Spock didn't want the Captain to be seen in that condition. He had been quick to do so, as Dr. McCoy had warned him of this possibility. Jim had lost a lot of blood. With an injury like that, the doctor told him he couldn't believe Jim had made it to the bridge. According to Carol, who had gone to the infirmary with a large cut, Jim had been injured in the main mess. It was a long way to the upper deck.
He laid Jim down in bed and removed his clothes. Jim's clothes were stained with his blood and torn. He folded them and laid them on his nightstand. He wished he could have stayed with Jim. But right now, the ship and his crew were the priority. Spock couldn't afford to stay near his captain, despite what he had told Dr. McCoy. Not right now anyway.
He looked at Jim's face and turned his head to the side so as not to press against his wound. He had felt it. He'd felt something deep inside him that told him something was wrong. And that was something impossible. It couldn't exist. Not in this way. Spock immediately dismissed the idea he had and any thoughts that might be connected to it. He had to focus on the Enterprise.
It was for this reason that Spock blamed himself when he had already reached Nyota's personal communicator. Once again, he had acted faster than he should have. It wasn't his usual behavior to act this way. He hadn't been acting rationally lately.
The door to his quarters opened for Nyota. Spock joined her.
"You wanted me to help you, what can I do?" she asked, well aware that her skills were not required on the upper deck.
"I need you to watch over the captain while I'm gone. "
He guided her to his own room. Nyota brought her hand to her mouth in shock.
"Oh my God... is he okay? "
"We'll have to keep an eye on him, it's too early to tell. "
Nyota walked over to Jim to look at his wound.
"He was bleeding a lot earlier... "
Everyone on deck had seen the wound on the back of his head. Jim had been the only one who hadn't noticed it, or had ignored it. But it was impossible, after it had calmed down, not to see the trail of blood on his yellow shirt. Spock was still angry at himself for not noticing it. For not trusting that strange sensation.
"How are you? "
Spock looked at Nyota again. She had returned to him, placing a hand on his cheek.
"I wasn't hurt, I'm fine. "
Nyota shook her head.
"That's not what I'm asking you, Spock. Jim is hurt... "
Spock pulled away. He didn't like the subject at all.
"I must return to the main bridge. We'll talk later. "
He turned back without giving her a second glance. Behind him, he could clearly hear Nyota answering him:
"You can't run away from this conversation forever, Spock! "
The next moment, the door to his personal quarters closed behind him.
He quickly made his way to the main deck, unable to stay away from his post any longer. As soon as he emerged from the turbolift, he was announced.
"Commander to the bridge. "
Spock sat down in the command chair. He could see through the glass that lightning was still present around them, but it was much less violent.
"Damage report, Mr. Sulu. "
"Deflectors are at 86% capacity, our external communication network is slightly defective. There was some damage to the lower decks but nothing irreparable. Mr. Scott is giving priority to the deflectors. "
Spock nodded.
"Have the appropriate science teams investigate these clouds as soon as possible. Scan the area regularly, we could be vulnerable to attack. Master Garrison, monitor communications. If we pick up any signals, I want to know immediately. Mr. Chekov, give me the coordinates of our exact location. "
Spock got up to return to his console to study the damage reports when he realized the silence on the bridge. When he looked up, all eyes were on him.
"How's the Captain?" asked Chekov.
It was the answer everyone was waiting for.
"The Captain is resting from his injuries. We'll know more when he wakes up. "
"Is it serious?" an ensign asked.
Spock clenched his fists. The reality was hard to accept.
"I don't know. "
Spock had gone to the laboratories first to brief the scientists and direct the research. They couldn't risk continuing to move forward in the nebula without learning more about these events. Then he went to the damage zones, where Mr. Scott was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He stayed at the machinery for most of the evening, bringing his expertise to help the chief engineer and the mechanics to mitigate the damage.
He then went to the lower decks to see for himself the extent of the damage. He had to be able to make an accurate report of the damage to the Captain who, he knew, would want to know in great detail what had happened on board the ship. It was better that he be concise. The damage was not extensive, but it was a lot. It would take a few days to repair what needed to be repaired. His steps then led him to the infirmary.
Dr. McCoy was still awake, seemingly still working on test results. As soon as the doctor noticed his presence, he looked up, frowning.
"You're not with Jim? "
"I was on watch. Lieutenant Uhura is with him. "
McCoy sighed. His features were strained with fatigue.
"How many people injured do we have? "
The doctor glanced at his console.
"We've got one badly wounded man, but he'll make it. After that, we have over thirty people with minor injuries. "
Spock nodded. He had seen the severely injured man pass. He had been crushed by the supply crates as he was taking them out.
"Is there anything I can do to help? "
McCoy shook his head negatively.
"I'll finish my reports and go to bed. You should go see Jim. "
Spock nodded.
"Very well. Good night, Doctor. "
"See you later, Spock. "
Spock tried not to rush back to his quarters. Because he knew that his rush to his quarters was not normal. He shouldn't be feeling this. This impatience to get back to Jim. To make sure he was okay, that he was resting and recovering perfectly.
When he walked in, he could smell the coffee that Nyota had probably made for herself. He found her in the room, listening in on her earpiece for transmissions. She stopped her activity when she saw him.
"How is he? "
She moved closer to him as he went to examine Jim.
"He hasn't woken up, but he's moved a few times. I think that's a good sign. "
Jim had indeed rolled over onto his stomach. His head bandage was even more visible and no blood was showing. That was another good sign. He turned to face Nyota.
"Thank you. You may go. "
She nodded.
"How's the crew doing? "
"Good. We have an ensign with severe injuries, but the Doctor is confident. "
Her gaze returned to Jim. He had to get better as soon as possible.
"Rest, Spock. Enjoy it. "
Spock turned to her.
"Enjoy it for what? "
Nyota had a look on her face that he interpreted as compassionate. He didn't know what it meant.
"To relax. Lately, you've only been relaxing in his presence. I know that because I know you. "
Spock thought.
"I didn't notice that. "
Nyota shook her head.
"You didn't, but I did. We both know that Jim has a special place in your heart for him. That's why it didn't work out between us. He's able to arouse emotions in you that I couldn't. It's time you admit that. "
Spock thought again. Nyota was right about his emotions. She was also right about the cause of their separation. To admit that he felt differently about the Captain was unthinkable. Unthinkable, but he was unable to contradict her. Which Nyota pointed out.
"You can't even deny that anymore. You're aware of this, Spock. "
She placed a hand on his cheek. Somehow, Nyota understood. Because she knew the nature of Vulcans well enough. She'd asked around, when they were together. And she'd figured some things out long before he did.
"I'm the Commander and Jim is the Captain. "
"But he has a right to know, Spock. Stop making decisions for the others. "
Nyota's hand withdrew from his cheek and she came to kiss him in the same place.
"I'm going. Good night, Spock. "
"Good night, Nyota. "
A few seconds later, he heard the door to his quarters close.
Spock turned his head to Jim. He was not well. He could feel it. He sat on the edge of his bed and watched Jim's face. Under his eyelids, he could see the nystagmus that indicated he was dreaming. These were not good dreams. He held out his fingers and hesitated. Was Nyota right? Should he listen to her? Should he accept what he'd been trying to hide inside for days, even weeks?
There was something between him and Jim. Spock could feel it, it was deep inside him, and it was like something innate. All it took was for his barriers to come down for a bond to form between Jim and him. Since then, he had been invaded by new sensations, impressions and emotions that he was not used to dealing with.
Anxiety. Worry. Disgust. Bitterness. Remorse. Spock hadn't experienced anything lately that would make him feel such emotions. But in Jim's mind, things were different. And it was affecting him more than he wanted to admit.
He ran his fingers gently over Jim's cheek. All those emotions he felt deep inside stood out much more, while his mental barriers were still present. But they didn't seem to filter out anything from Jim anymore. This was all new to Spock. He didn't think he would develop such a unique bond. It was extremely rare.
He withdrew his fingers and walked away. Spock needed to rest, too. He was tired. He got ready for bed and joined Jim. Spock moved him gently so that he could fold the sheets over him as well.
Spock had never done such a thing. The only person he had shared a bed with in the last few years was Nyota. This was the first time anyone else had been there. And on top of that, it was his superior. Spock justified it by the need to look after his captain's health. On the other hand, he felt the need to be near him. To touch him.
Spock turned his back to Jim. He couldn't do such a thing. It was inappropriate, irresponsible, and unseemly. He closed his eyes, trying to ignore Jim behind him, whose body heat was radiating down his back. He made a huge effort to ignore what he was feeling, to ignore the fact that he was probably having nightmares, to ignore his need to soothe him. He could do it. He had the ability. He didn't.
Jim sighed with relief. This was the first time he had felt good in a long time. He felt calm, safe and more rested than ever. He felt a warm body rising against him with calm breathing and he thought to himself that it had been a long, long time since he had slept with someone. It was a really nice feeling and for a moment he continued to enjoy the warmth.
He took a deep breath, filling his lungs with the familiar smell he enjoyed. That smell that reminded him of warm sand, sun, and that hint of sulfur. It was the smell of Spock.
He took a huge leap as he straightened up, realizing the situation he was in. Of all the people on the ship he could sleep with, Spock was last on the list. Out of obligation. He stepped away from him as Spock was obviously waking up.
"I'm so sorry... "
Jim got out of bed and realized that he was not in his quarters at all, but in the Vulcan's. What the hell was he doing there? And what the hell was he doing in his underwear? He leaned against the doorframe, a sharp pain in his head calling him to order.
"Don't rush, Jim. Your wound is important. "
Jim froze. The heat radiating from the skin on his back was not artificial. Spock was right behind him, inches away. His ears turned red in less than a second.
"Um... what happened...? "
He dared to turn his head towards Spock. Right next to him. Disheveled hair and piercing gaze. Damn attractive. Shit.
"What do you remember? "
Jim was fixated on Spock's deep brown eyes. He remembered his hand on his hip, his warm body, his concern. Jim mentally slapped himself for only thinking about that right now. He was confused, and Spock's proximity wasn't helping.
"I...I need to think. Can I use your bathroom? "
Spock nodded. Jim leaned against the walls to enter. It wasn't until the warm water ran over his skin that he realized he had found himself in his underwear in front of his second in command. And on top of that, he was taking a shower in his quarters. He was really messing up.
He tried to concentrate on remembering why this was happening. It took a lot more effort than he thought as the water washed out the dried blood in his hair. Okay. He had hit his head obviously hard. He had to remember how.
Jim saw his code problems, his drafts, Kera, Carol, Caleb... the mess hall. The tremors. Everything came back to him little by little.
"Captain? "
Jim snapped out of his thoughts.
"It's all right, Spock. I'm on my way. "
He turned off the water and realized he had nothing to wipe himself with, let alone dress.
"Uh... "
Spock, intervened before Jim could ask any questions :
"You can use a towel in the left-hand storage cabinet. "
Jim followed the instructions and toweled off. The uniform replicator was in the closet. Jim was a great user of replicators, as he was always damaging and tearing his polo shirt. He wrapped the towel around his hips and went outside.
Spock had gone back to replicating clothes for him. Jim joined him.
"How's the crew and ship?" he asked at once.
Spock handed him the clothes. Jim retrieved them while he waited for the answer.
"We have a few casualties, but the entire crew is in good shape and the damage is not significant."
Jim breathed a sigh of relief. Spock continued.
"Do you remember what happened? "
Jim ran a hand through his damp, messy hair, thinking.
"To be honest, it's pretty vague. I have... flashes. I was in the mess hall on the lower decks and then... I remember going to the main deck, I see Bones again and... it's kind of a blur. I remember the storm. "
Spock nodded.
"The situation is now under control and there is no more danger. "
Jim nodded briefly.
"Thank you, Spock. You've really got this under control. " Jim felt a pang of bitterness and turned his head away. "How long was I out? "
"About twelve hours. "
Jim gritted his teeth, rekindling the pain. He had been useless at handling the crisis. Spock had handled it all, and probably better than he would have.
"I'll go get dressed. We'll talk later. "
He went back into the bathroom to try to pull himself together.
Spock later informed him of everything that had happened. He gave him a full report on the condition of the injured crew members and the damage to the ship. It was so clear and concise that Jim was almost jealous. It only reinforced his feeling of incompetence about the situation and his status as Captain. Jim ran a hand through his hair again when Spock finished his report. He didn't even have any questions, Spock's report had been so complete.
"Are you experiencing any symptoms related to a concussion? "
Jim was familiar with the symptoms, having experienced them several times in his life. But now he found it difficult to list them.
"I'll go see Bones. "
Spock nodded and headed for the door to his quarters.
"I will accompany you there immediately. "
Jim hesitated for a few seconds.
"Wait, I'll get my things. "
He went back to get his clothes from the night before. Spock had folded them carefully, even though they were ruined. Jim had seen the trail of blood down his back. He wasn't an expert, but he must have lost a lot of blood. And since he didn't remember much...
They exited, passing through Jim's quarters before reaching the medical deck. Jim was left with the black clothes of their uniforms. He knew that with the injury he had, no one would wonder if he wasn't wearing his captain's shirt. He hurried down the corridors, realizing that the light from the ship was bothering him. That, he remembered, was a bad sign.
He entered the infirmary. A few injured people were there, and he went straight to the chief medical officer.
"Hello Bones. How is Ensign Nolan? "
He straightened up in his chair, surprised, and came over to join them. He consulted his PADD before answering.
"His vitals are better than your previous checkups. And yet, God knows his wounds are not pretty! Sit down here. "
Jim listened and glanced over at Spock. The Vulcan was always present during these last medical visits. Bones passed his tricorder and Jim was pleased to see that he wasn't assaulting him with a hypospray. He hated hyposprays and Bones was never gentle with him.
"Problems to report?" asked Bones as he came in to assault him with a lamp.
"The light. Photosensitivity. I have a headache and I'm nauseous. Afterwards... "
Jim didn't really know what else he could say. Bones nodded as he consulted his PADD.
"Are you dizzy? "
The blond thought.
"No, I don't feel like it. "
Len turned to Spock.
"Are you picking up on anything? "
Spock was direct.
"No absences in the last three hours, but memory problems and nightmares. "
Jim and Bones reacted immediately.
"No, that's... "
"No, that's not... "
The two best friends interrupted each other. Jim could see the embarrassment on Len's face. He sighed, turning to Spock, slightly ashamed.
"The nightmares were there before. "
Jim looked away. He didn't want to see the disappointment in the Vulcan's eyes or anything close to it. Bones cleared his throat.
"Well, you look better than yesterday already. You need a few more days of rest, real rest. No screens. Eat, you're hypoglycemic. I know that with your nausea it's the last thing you want to do but you'll have to force yourself. Your symptoms are classic of a less severe head injury - thank goodness - but a major headache is to be expected. If she shows up I can give you this. "
Bones only gave him a few pills.
"Just one every six hours. It's very strong and it knocks you out. For someone like you, it's the perfect way to stay in bed. "
Jim looked at the pills.
"You want to drug me? "
Bones nodded.
"That's the idea with a case like you! Well, I'll look at your bandage and see if you need one. We cauterized everything with a laser yesterday. "
Jim couldn't remember a thing about it. He winced as Bones ran his fingers through his hair.
"Okay, perfect! No need for a band-aid. If you have any more problems or if any of the symptoms persist, come see me again, Jim. I'll check on you later. "
The blond man nodded.
"Thank you, Len. "
The doctor didn't look up and patted him on the shoulder. Jim knew he had worried him. He got up and left the infirmary, followed closely by Spock.
He led the way to the officers' mess, without exchanging a word with his second in command. He didn't even dare to meet his eyes. He hadn't told Spock about the nightmares. He hadn't told anyone. Bones just knew he was having them, but Jim hadn't been able to open up to him and tell him what they were about: his remorse, his memories.
They each took a tray and Jim sat down in the corner to get a view of the entire mess. He had just remembered his last conversation, before his Beauty was hit by the storms. About the mess hall. A stressful environment. Jim took a drink of water before looking around the rest of the mess. The bright light was making his head hurt, but it would pass eventually.
Jim looked around at the faces present. Many of the people present were working on the main deck. There was a palpable tension in the air, but Jim blamed it on the storms. However, some eyes were turned in their direction.
"You should eat, Captain. "
Jim turned his head back to Spock. He looked down at the head of his tray, at his breakfast cereal, and chose to attack the apple first.
"I'm not very hungry. "
Nevertheless, he bit into his apple. He loved apples. He glanced back at the rest of the mess hall. In the distance, Chekov and Sulu walked through the door. Jim waved at them. They greeted him in return as they lined up to take their tray. They were smiling. Jim turned his attention back to Spock.
"Has the mess been tense lately? I mean, was there a bad atmosphere? "
Spock cocked his head slightly to the side. Jim realized he was surprised by his question. The Vulcan took a moment to think as Jim chewed his apple, his gaze once again directed toward the mess hall.
"Effectively. The officers and other crew members worry when they don't see you on the bridge or here. "
Jim frowned and suddenly lowered his head as the light assaulted him. The next moment, Chekov set his tray down beside him and Sulu did the same beside Spock.
"Captain!" greeted Sulu, a big smile on his lips. "We're glad to see you're feeling better. "
Jim replied with a smile.
"Thank you. Forgive me for asking, but do you ever find the atmosphere of the mess oppressive?"
Chekov and Sulu looked at each other. They both looked very uncomfortable. Jim sighed.
"I don't have my shirt on, so consider yourself free to talk. Right, Commander? "
Spock nodded.
"This will remain between us and will not affect the professional setting. "
Jim rolled his eyes, making their senior navigator and pilot smile. Chekov began, taking a few swallows of Denobulan juice.
"How can I put it... when one of you is away, the mess is tense. "
The blond almost swallowed his apple askew.
"You mean this atmosphere is our fault? "
Spock turned his head to Sulu.
"Expand. "
The Asian searched for words before answering.
"Let's just say... the atmosphere is easier to bear when you're arguing and around each other than when you're avoiding each other. "
Jim squinted at Sulu and gasped at the slamming of a tray against the table.
"Let's just say the crew doesn't take it well when Mom and Dad fight. "
Uhura took a seat next to Chekov, swinging her long ponytail back. Spock's reminder was firm.
"Nyota. "
Jim ignored Spock's warning, as did the woman concerned.
"Serious?! Gee, I didn't think we could have that much of a negative impact... "
Chekov commented in his perky way:
"On the contrary, Captain, when you're in a good mood, we all are! "
Jim answered Chekov with a smile and directed his gaze to Spock.
"Commander, I think we're going to have to change things between us! "
Uhura spat out her tea and nearly choked, Sulu and Chekov laughed, and Spock remained totally unmoved. Jim felt he had probably said something very stupid. Spock took the lead as Uhura laughed heartily.
"May I ask why you bring that up? "
Jim wiped his hands.
"I had this discussion yesterday with Carol. Before the storm. "
He ran a hand through his hair and sighed.
"I've got to go check on her. How's the crew. "
He stood up, immediately seized by the anguish of being a bad captain who didn't care about others. He grabbed his tray and nodded to everyone.
"Captain".
Spock called him back as usual. He had a way of putting weight into a single word, making it heavy with meaning while his intonation remained the same. The Vulcan summoned him to stay.
"It's all right, Spock. See that we avoid these storms again. See you later. "
Jim greeted them all again and turned back. He might not be fit to make the decisions now, but he could check in. And he would.
Hello all! Sorry to take so long to post. I don't have enough time to devote to my writing, I'm sorry. This project is not abandoned, I reassure you! See you soon