As always, I'm loving your reviews! They've made me laugh so much!
Now it's time for a little Edward!
Anal Beads and Crack?!
Virgin to sex Goddess in sixty seconds? Yeah, right. Guess what, people? It doesn't happen. No girl, woman, or spinster can have multiple orgasms on their first night of losing their V-card. What it can be, is sore, messy, and downright awful. Why do writers insist that they can turn their sweet little virgin into a wannabe porn star in one night?
It's a rare thing to find a man so caring in the back seat of a car, that he spends enough time pleasing her, so she doesn't experience pain. Get real.
And the gag reflex thing? Most of us have a problem brushing our teeth without gagging, so how come these girls can swallow the whole damn thing–because, you know, it's always so huge and thick-and not choke, tear up, or gag?
It makes you wonder, with what I've written above, if these authors remember their first times at all. Or if they've even had their first times yet ...
Next!
Now that the darling ex-virgin is a Goddess, her mind has obviously been fucked into oblivion because she forgot to shower. Guys, girls, and other random peeps, for the love of all that is holy, do not have sex, sleep for eight hours, and then go down on your partner!
Yes, I have read it with my own eyes. They had sexy times aplenty the night before, him continually boasting about how wet she was, sweated until they had no bodily fluids left, and then went to sleep. Granted, if the leading man had screwed me that well, I'd do the same, but I'd sure as hell shower the next morning and brush my teeth before moving in for the morning round.
Obviously, not so for our fantasy characters. The authors have them horny before their eyes even open the next morning, and then he's going down on her. Wanting to return the favor, she does the same for him.
I'm just going to let that sit there for a moment... Now, say it with me: "Ewwwww."
I don't need to give you the descriptions of what I'm thinking, but I do think authors need to flesh out those pesky details to help their readers not throw up. Just saying.
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~Prick-a-Doodle-Do~
I didn't have much time in college to enjoy the intimate moments with a woman. Yes, I had sex, and plenty of it in my time, but not girlfriends. I mostly blamed time or lack of it, but there was also another reason: my mother. For the record, I don't like thinking about my mother and sex at the same time, but I couldn't help it.
She liked to set me up with every and any girl possible on my weekends or holidays home. The girls she thinks would suit me always drive me insane. They have perfect hair and make-up, shoes, and handbags. In conversation, they speak delicately, making sure to stick to subjects suitable for a girl. God forbid if they actually spoke their mind or gave their honest opinion. No, it was always down to the weather or charitable causes. No politics or anything of the sort.
And I hated it all.
What's wrong with girls eating burgers? Not once have I seen a pair of jeans on any of them. I'm a man, I want to see a little ass, and jeans are perfect for that, but no. I get subjected to tailored suits and smart shoes.
So, when I fell onto that poor girl in the storeroom at Ladies Weekly, you can imagine how refreshing it was. bOObs ... that's all I'm saying.
Now I needed to wake up properly so that I could meet the 'boob girl' in person—face to face, ideally. I rolled over in bed, smiling at the thought of what the day would bring. Yes, it was going to be a long day of paperwork and signing my life away, but my father had finally listened to me and agreed to help with this venture.
I'd worked my ass off all the way through school, college, and university. Then, of course, I'd also busted my ass off at his company. Now it was my time to do the same with my own business and to show him exactly what I was capable of.
I would prove to him I was making the right choices and that I knew the industry. Fine, maybe this was small, in fact, as small as you could get really, but it was a starting point. Now that I was the grand old age of thirty, it was about time for me to have a shot.
Once Dad read over my plans, and we'd tweaked a few ideas of mine, everything had gone through pretty smoothly. He might have been under my mother's thumb, but he was an amazing businessman and could see the potential where I saw it. Everything looked good on paper. I just had to prove it could work in practice.
Taking on a company of my own would also shut my mother up about settling down and giving her grandbabies. Don't get me wrong, I was all for finding someone to settle down with, but there wasn't anyone fitting in this town, and I didn't have time to go to one of the bigger cities to hunt down the 'perfect' bride my mother wanted for me.
As the mother of an only child, she had certain expectations for her future daughter-in-law. While my mother wasn't too bad—I'd grown up with her and survived, after all—I did pity my future wife, if I ever found one. Mother wanted me to have a perfect wife who could cook and clean like she did. She wanted us to have the white picket fence with two point four kids and a family dog.
I hate dogs, by the way. Actually, I don't hate dogs. They hate me. Always have and always will.
"Edward, darling, since today is a big one for you, I thought I'd make a good, filling breakfast for you," I heard Mom's voice calling from downstairs and fought to roll my eyes. Yes, my mother still takes it upon herself to just walk into my house whenever she feels the need.
Normally I wouldn't mind, but I'd just started to think about the mystery woman from work, who I'd fallen onto, again. I'll admit that it was a bit of a turn on not knowing what she looked like, but going by the tone of her voice, and her boobs, I'd say she was pretty damn fine. Yes, I was fixated on her boobs.
"Just going for a quick shower," I called out, knowing Mom probably hadn't heard me. She only ever heard someone when it was something she wanted to hear. Everything else fell on deaf ears.
Even with the knowledge that Mom was downstairs, I still managed to knock one out against the tiles while thinking about my mysterious beauty. It was wrong, I know, but I just couldn't help myself.
Once Mom was satisfied that my stomach was full, and my tie was straight, she sent me on my way, with a packed lunch no less.
What thirty-year-old man still has his lunch packed by his mother? Maybe I did need to get a wife. Not that I would expect her to do the same for me, but maybe it would get my mother to leave me alone for five damn minutes.
.
Pulling up to the small office block, I killed the engine and took in the sight of the dingy, tired-looking building. I'd have to seriously think about getting it painted and looking as new as possible. The closed-up shop below my new business was still for sale, and I was half-tempted to buy it, then turn the whole place into an internet café.
There were rumors that there was going to be a new housing and shop development just outside of town, which meant that there could be more people visiting the town. If that did happen, then I'd see about the rest of the building. For now, I had to concentrate on calming Aro down and getting the keys handed over to me. He was a sweet old man, and I felt sorry for the poor guy, but this was business, and I was a businessman, it was as simple as that.
Smiling, I grabbed the bunch of files and my laptop from the passenger seat and got out of the car, hoping that today would be a good one.
Aro and a few others met me at the door. If that wasn't overwhelming enough, Gertrude and Nancy were there too, meeting me with a cup of 'proper' tea and a small plate of cookies. Who the hell ate cookies at eight-thirty in the morning?
Half an hour later, and a sniffling fit from Aro, he handed me the keys. I did promise him that he could stay for the rest of the day to make sure the handover went smoothly.
Gertrude and Nancy, as nice and polite as they were, couldn't manage to keep the snide comments about me to themselves. In the first half an hour, I heard them state that I wasn't married, I wasn't wearing a ring, and no "decent man" was single at my age these days.
Isn't it bad enough that I had the same lecture from my own mother this morning? Now I have to have it from my staff? From women who seem older than my own grandmother? I think not, no way in hell.
"I'm sorry that you haven't managed to meet our youngest member of the team, Edward, but she seems to be running late this morning," Aro murmured while we made our way to what they called the staff room. The room was no bigger than a prison cell, it even had the bars at the window, except there were tiny office chairs around the walls. That was it.
The refurbishment of this place would be my top priority once Aro left. I gauged that it would take about three weeks for the work to be done, and in that time, I'd have the new website set up and some of the printing equipment replaced. Unlike my father, who thought the magazine should go all-digital, I felt that a printed magazine would still work well in the town. Especially since a large number of our readers were elderly and probably didn't even have the internet in their homes.
Yes, there was a lot that needed doing, but with some money and time, this place could be a real asset to me and the town.
"No problem, Aro, I'm sure there is a valid reason why she's late," I mumbled and looked over the staff roster. I was a little down that the girl that was missing seemed to be the girl with the boobs.
"She probably got waylaid by some random project of hers like always. You just can't rely on the youth these days; you really can't. One minute they're all smiles and willing to help and the next, well. Manners cost nothing these days. Now, I'm not one to speak ill of people, but the girl needs to go," Gertrude bitched, and I looked up just in time to see Nancy nod her head in agreement.
"It's either that or she was out late last night and overslept, you know because she has no husband to keep her in check or parents to keep an eye on her at home. Her parents obviously let her get away with too much growing up," Nancy whispered loud enough for the whole room to hear.
"Yes, well, what she does on her own time is her own business," I cut in, raising an eyebrow to the ancient ladies hoping they would shut up. I was still reeling from the way they'd followed me everywhere the day before. I shouldn't complain, though, because their little antics had led me to falling on my mystery girl.
"Well said, Edward. Our girl is a firecracker, but she's a hard worker. I don't know what I would have done if she hadn't been here this past year," Aro mused while he looked out the dirty window.
We spent the next hour going through the last of the information Aro had to give me. I was careful enough to not let out a huge breath when Gertrude and Nancy informed me that although I seemed like a good boss, they would be leaving at the end of the week. They just couldn't be here and not seeing Aro every day. I could understand their point but was too relieved that they were leaving to actually care. One crotchety, overbearing mother was quite enough, thank you very much.
We left the so-called staff room and headed to the break room, which was actually bigger than the staff room. I was so confused. I was surprised to see a decent coffee machine in the corner. I think I might have salivated.
"I wouldn't touch that if I were you. Little Miss Perfect will have what she calls a 'BF,' whatever that means," Nancy whispered when I moved toward the machine. "Why don't you have a lovely cup of tea instead?" she asked, and I think I whimpered at the poor coffee pot.
"Sure," I grouched then followed her to a seat by the door where I sat down while she flittered off to grab me a drink. After informing her that I'd like two lumps of sugar, I got back to reading through some more paperwork.
"I am so sorry that I'm late, Aro. Mac decided to eat a set of my beads, and I had to rush to the store to get some laxatives. There's no way I'm paying the vet bill for his fetishes again! Then I had to wait for him to pass the things before I could get out of the house again," a girl said as she whirled through the door and over to the coffee pot.
Bitch! Okay, not a bitch, but why can't I have what she is having? I want that coffee.
As soon as she opened her mouth, I knew who she was, my mystery girl. If I hadn't been so annoyed that she got coffee while I was stuck with English Breakfast tea, I would've been pleased to meet her face-to-face instead of face-to-boobs.
Glowering at her coffee-taking form, I took in her super tight jeans that would have any man wincing in pain and her tight, fitted shirt. Other things I took note of were her extremely high-heeled, knee-high boots over her jeans and her multi-colored hair. Well, that certainly isn't how I'd envisioned her in my head. I tried to ignore her hair while my eyes went back to her ass. Damn, so pert ... I'm being serious. It was all round and bitable.
"It's no problem, sweetheart, we know these things happen in life," Aro said in a comforting tone while Gertrude stuck her nose up in the air.
"If you kept your clothes and hair simple, dear, he wouldn't have gotten to your necklace beads," Nancy gave her own opinion, not hiding her disdain for the girl.
They're going at the end of the week ... They're going at the end of the week ...
"They were anal beads, ninny, not a necklace. Why do you think I said he had a fetish problem? It was my thong last time," the girl said with a laugh, but at 'anal beads,' I'd spat my tea out.
"Dear Lord, woman, you can't just go broadcasting your personal business in here! How crude of you!" Gertrude clucked, her hand now over her heart. I wanted to agree, but there was still a little dribble of tea escaping from my nose.
Do you know that hot tea stings your nasal cavity like battery acid?
And she said anal. I wasn't a giggling schoolboy, but anal was ... yeah.
"Oh, shit, I didn't realize you had company, Aro. I am so sorry. It wasn't really a set of anal beads, um, it was my black bracelet. I only said anal to get a rise out of the women," the girl said once she turned around and clocked me sitting by the door.
Oh. So, no anal then? I think I might have pouted.
Her tight top was pushing her boobs out, and she was so damn sexy. And now I had a face to go with the stranger in the storeroom, but damn, her hair was a mess, full of colored stips of hair and she was wearing a damn tiara, of all things. She had dark, coffee-colored eyes and, from what I could see, a hint of dark brown hair. I took her all in. Yes, I looked at her boobs again.
"No problem, Princess. Is Mac okay now?" I asked, trying my hardest not to smile through my words and mentally patting myself on the back for clearing my face of dripping tea before she saw me.
"He's fine, no doubt my kitchen will be a mess by the time I get home, but that's for later, and this," she held up her coffee mug with a smile, "this is for now. The first one of the day, thanks to my little pooch and his liking for beads," she said with a small, nervous laugh then took a sip of her drink.
I couldn't help but smile when I looked about the room to see everyone's jaws had dropped as they stared at her. All I could do myself was stare at the writing on her coffee mug:
Coffee. Because doing crack at work is frowned upon.
.
.
"Hey, boss man, I'm going out for lunch, want me to grab you anything?" Princess asked, but I shook my head and held up my brown paper lunch bag. I felt like such a dork, but I couldn't show her that. I was the boss. The man in charge. The Alpha.
"Damn, did you make that yourself, or did Mommy Dearest send you off with it along with a pat on the head as you left?" she asked, laughing. When I looked up from the pile of paperwork, her little head was the only thing I could see through the door.
Bitch. Now she saw me for the dork I was trying to hide.
"You're not far from the mark there, but why don't you run along and be a good little girl, and leave the grownups to work," I countered, causing her to glare at me. I didn't mean to come across as an ass, but I couldn't show her any weakness. I needed my staff to be my staff and know their place. The second she got a rise out of me, that would be it. She'd make my life hell. That was a hard lesson I'd learned that from my own father. Give your staff an inch, and they'll take a mile.
"For your information, grouch, I have my lunch here, too, but the 'grownups' have their lunch order and told me to go and get it, so who's the bigger person here?" Instead of waiting for me to answer, she slammed the door shut, making the thin windows shake.
If she continued to work for me, it was going to prove to be a very interesting working relationship, that's for sure.
And I really needed to change those windows from single to double glazed. Another thing for my ever-growing list of things to do.
So, they meet face to face :D
We're going to have a few chapters of Edward and Bella fighting their feelings, but it's hilarious, I promise.
Just to recap. Bella is 20 and Edward is 30. They're both trust fund babies. Where Bella is quite independent, Edward is rather smothered by his parents. Bella's life pretty much revolves around her dog, Mac, and Edward is a true tits and bum man.
Ad here's your teaser for the next chapter...
Not that I wanted to think about his cock. No, not at all. Not even a little bit…
Fine, I was thinking about it. I couldn't help it. When he jogged, I ended up having visions of Olympic runners. You know, when their junk bobs side-to-side when they run. Then I thought about his junk: Did it bob or swing? God, I was so screwed!
Loves ya!