A/N 1:
So when we left off Carina had grown tired of the Club scene and recognized her desire for Chuck. So, she heads back to the villa to claim her man.
A/N 2:
Don't own Chuck, not making money from this.
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As Carina drove back to the Villa from the bar, she reflected on how much Chuck had gotten to her, had gotten under her skin, how much he had become necessary in her life. She remembered a recent night when her memories of Sarah had overwhelmed her, and how she turned to Chuck for comfort.
-Flash Back-
Carina knocked on Chuck's door and stepped into his bedroom.
He rolled over and smiling looked up at her.
She asked, "Is this a good night to get a little snuggling time?''
He tenderly looked at her, "You still feeling down?"
Carina choked, caught her voice, and simply managed, "Yeah."
Chuck raised up his sheets and invited her to join him in bed, and she slid in next to him and snuggled into his side. "I know Sarah being gone is hitting you hard. But we have to assume that she's happy where she is. And we've got to be happy here, in our part of the world, too."
He somberly reflected, "I know we both loved Sarah dearly, but I thought I would be the one she would be spending the rest of her life with, not her finding some amazing guy on that tropical island."
Carina thought about how sad it is that Chuck is this delusional, but she just curled up in his arms and replied, "Yeah, we have got to find a way to be happy Chuck, and for me, right now, being in your arms is a step in the right direction." They snuggled and fell asleep. She finally gave up control, and let Chuck be her protector.
Carina shook her head and the memory. And now, I have finally lost myself, in his big brown eyes. What was that sappy song, about the Rose is love? Love isn't a razor, or whatever, but it is a seed. Well, it looks like Chuck has planted a seed of Love in me. She shook her head again, Carina, what is happening to you? He has you thinking of sappy love songs. So, she turned on the car's radio and searched the dial for sappy love songs.
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When she gets back to the villa, she heads straight to Chuck's room, and taps on the slightly open door. She steps in and finds him listening to music and reading a graphic novel. She waves her hand to get his attention.
He pulls the headphones down and smiles up at her. "Hey 'Rina, you are home early."
She steps up to the bed and sits sideways,facing him. "Yeah, it just wasn't happening. It's kind of lost it's appeal. She smiles broadly at him, saying, "I realized that there wasn't anything there that I wanted." She reaches out and squeezes his hand.
Chuck sits up, paying closer attention, no longer completely clueless about women and their signals, subtle or not. "So what are you up to?" he cautiously inquires.
Carina stands, and smoothes her dress down, wiping her hands in the process, then begins to pace. "I am not sure exactly what I want, what I am thinking, what I feel. Whatever happened to Sarah, it has thrown me for a loop, and has me thinking about a lot of stuff I normally don't think about."
Chuck, uncertain what to make of this, and a little concerned, asks, "What kind of stuff. Can I help with it?" He offered.
She smirked, If you only knew how I think you could help.
She sat back on the bed, "You know all kinds of stuff, reflecting on my life, past and present. I told you about me losing my parents, and how I am just now dealing with all of that. And, it has me thinking about how I am living my life now, how some things no longer have an appeal." She looked directly in his eyes, saying "And some things, I didn't think I wanted, are now very appealing."
His eyes widen as he starts getting an inkling of what she might be talking about.
She continues, "Thinking about my future and what is in it."
She looked deeply in his eyes, making her intentions clear, and softly said, "I think I want you in my future, Chuck. I am realizing that there is more to life than just my job, no matter how exciting it may be. You have made me realize that having someone to come home and share the events of the day, is as important as the events of the day."
She stood again and paced back and forth, looking at him as she spoke. "I know you never totally enjoyed my party lifestyle."
He opens his mouth to explain his whys, but she cuts him off with her stream of words.
"I'm now finding it less fulfilling too." she admits.
"Try not to act too shocked," she preemptively teases. "But I feel like I want to try something more settled, something intimate."
She ducks her head, the intensity of her emotions causing her to break her eyes away from his. She continues pacing. "This feels so awkward like I'm in high school." She suddenly stops pacing, looks him directly in the eyes and abruptly asks. Can I be your girlfriend?" Her expression softens, and in a shy, very unCarina-like manner she asks, "I hope your heart is big enough for two."
"Sorry Carina, it's not." He quietly responds.
She looks at him, totally stunned and speechless, totally thrown by his answer. No?!
"Look, this is complicated, and I don't want to hurt your feelings. But you have to understand who I am, who Chuck Bartowski is, because you have been playing with Charles Carmichael."
He sits up straighter and invites her to sit back on the bed.
No?! That's not right, he was supposed to say yes. What is he saying about Charles Carmichael? She pulls her thoughts back to his words and sits.
"So first, you need to understand that I can only give my heart to one, because I need to give it so completely. I am an only and forever kind of guy. I tried living in your world and playing your games, but it drained me. It just isn't for me. I mean, I can handle it as a part of an active life, you know, like, I don't mind the dancing, but it isn't my lifestyle."
What, he doesn't want to be with me? But now I really don't want that lifestyle. She mentally argues back. What is this he is saying about Chuck and Charles?
"Over the past couple of years, you have been more with Charles Carmicheal than Chuck Bartowski. And I am coming to realize, I have to be Chuck Bartowski."
"You have to understand that there were multiple purposes for Charles Carmicheal. First Charles Carmichael was needed, as a cover identity, to play the spy game."
"But, you need to recognize that I was also using it as a cover personality. I could hide behind that cover, as I did the dirty, deadly tasks that this job requires."
She nods her head in understanding. Yeah, I remember our nights together as I helped you through that. Doesn't that make you love me?
"Dad and Casey have helped me come to terms with all of that, and not having my face rubbed in it every day, makes it easier for me to deal with it all. To be able to do my job, as Chuck Bartowski."
"And, it also allowed me to hide from life. To hide from Chuck Bartowski's life. Because it pretty much sucked. I was wallowing at the Buy More, when Sarah, when the Agency found me.
And, it was exciting, and messy, and I found, I thought, the love of my life. Then it got less exciting, the glamor replaced by Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, as the song goes.
And I lost her. I was willing to be whomever she wanted me to be, but I never could figure out what that was.
Carina thinks, it was always the simple you, she wanted. Your lovable core, but life and the agency always interfered.
"Apparently it was something more like Shaw."
Do I tell him how she loathed Shaw, and longed for him, or does believing this help him get past the pain of losing her? The CIA search teams found nothing, the entire week they scoured the rubble. But then an artillery barrage leaves a bunch of nothing. If Chuck can't deal with that outcome, is he going to spend the rest of his life, denying himself happiness, pining for a love he will never have? That can't be right.
Chuck continues, explaining. "If she wanted to be with me, she would have chosen to be with me instead of Shaw. Or, after Shaw disappeared, she knew where to find me. And when this whole Volkoff thing, finally pushed her to run, to leave it all behind, I have to accept that I was left too. She didn't come looking for me, ever. So, I have to let her go, and wish for her all the happiness she can find."
They both pause, caught up in the moment and the memories, to wipe their eyes.
"I was trying to avoid facing all of that, no parents, no love, no more innocence of youth. So I threw myself into Charles Carmichael. If Chuck's lifestyle wasn't working, maybe I needed to try an alternative. Some kind of mixture of James Bond and Bryce Larkin. Maybe life would be better if I was Bryce Bond."
She laughs at the description.
"And that is who you were surprised to find here in Rome. And Charles Carmichael was compatible with your party lifestyle, so you loved it."
"But you have to have seen that I couldn't keep that up. I couldn't keep up with your partying, I couldn't keep up with the one night stands, I couldn't keep up the energy for meaningless, emotionless sex. At least our trysts were slightly more than that." he grins and winks.
She lightly slaps his leg, "Yeah, they were, and are, much more than that to me."
He sadly looks directly into her eyes. "So, I have to say no. I only have room for one in my heart."
"If you have let Sarah go, can't that be me?" She asks pleading
"I don't know that you and I are right for each other. I am looking to start a family of my own. I suspect that you are looking to accessorize. Check off that Husband box. I am not saying you are wrong in wanting that, and there is probably a guy out there who is looking for just that. It's just not me."
Lost, not knowing what to say, and stunned by the turn of events. Carina simply states, "I need to go now." and quickly leaves the room.
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Carina, back in her room, is pacing, upset and agitated. No!? What does he mean? No. Doesn't he understand that I am choosing him? Doesn't he understand what he is getting? This is so frustrating. I need someone to talk to, someone who will understand me, someone who can help me work this out. I need to go talk to …. Chuck.
She stops in her tracks, the realization sinking in that Chuck is that person in her life. Actually he is the only person in my life that I can talk to like that. I miss Sarah, and we were tight, but it's not like I would call her for relationship advice, in the middle of the night. She moves to a chair, and mindlessly drops heavily into it, physically drained by her emotions and distracted by the revelations flooding her mind.
Chuck is my safe harbor, she realizes. Chuck was Sarah's safe harbor. Chuck will be the safe harbor for whoever is the woman in his life. And that is such a precious gift that you can rarely find.
And, she sadly realized, I am not that rare. I know I am amazing, but not at relationship stuff. And if he wanted to look, Chuck wouldn't have any trouble finding someone maybe less amazing, but better at being a committed loving partner.
Maybe Chuck does know what he would be getting, and that is why he said no. It's me who wasn't appreciating what I am getting.
Tears welled in her eyes. Am I unworthy of his love? My God, so this is what was tearing Sarah up inside. Recognizing what a special guy Chuck is, and feeling lacking in your ability to match that.
She rolled over onto her stomach and buried her face in her pillow. But I am the Golden Girl! All the women want to be me, and all the men want me. Except Chuck. And I can't make him want me. Lord knows he has seen and experienced all that I have to offer. And it isn't what he wants. She sobs into her pillow.
After a few moments, she pulls herself together. But this is me. Go getter Carina. Take no prisoners Carina. Take what I want with no regrets Carina. And that has got me to the top of this game. That has provided me everything that I could ask for. Except for a human connection. Except for that amazing feeling of contentment that comes with being in the arms of someone who truly cares about you.
She rolled over on her back and slapped her hands against the bed in frustration.
Chuck, Chuck, Chuck. It wasn't supposed to go like this. You were supposed to take me in your arms, profess your undying love for me, and promise to be mine, forever.
"NO!" She spit out the word with a sob. No, he said, and in one word crushed my dream.
But really, what is that dream? I didn't really think about the big picture. He would say yes, and then would be waiting for me, at the end of the day, to take me into his arms, soothe me as I told him about the problems of my day, and then make love to me, giving me all the goodness in his heart.
I never stopped to ask, what is he getting out of it? What are his plans? What are his dreams for the future? And, do they even mesh with mine? And, do I know what my dreams for the future are anymore? Running from dealing with my parents' deaths, being career focused seemed an easy solution. I threw everything I had into being the best at the DEA. And I wrung everything I could out of life. And now I am at the verge of winning the game, and I find myself wanting more. Wanting someone to share it with. Wanting Chuck.
She stood up. Come on, Miller. You have accomplished everything you set your mind to. This is a mission, and you are great at successfully completing missions.
She sat down dejectedly, but this isn't a mission I can accomplish by shooting someone, by being a badass.
And it struck her like a pole to the forehead. And the target of the mission isn't Chuck. It's me!
This isn't a matter of Chuck changing, because I want what he is now. And, I am not going to win him through seduction, or any of my old games, because he has seen them all. And words and empty promises will not win him, she sadly smiled, will not win his heart. His love has to be freely given. I would have to become someone he can love. Do I have that inside me? Would that even be someone I want to be?
She goes to the mini fridge that is by her bed, and pulls out the chilled bottle of Belvedere vodka, she keeps there for sipping and thinking. She has a lot of thinking to do. Carina tilts her head and ponders, astonished at the thought, What if that is someone I love being?
She pours herself a finger, and takes a sip, the cold vodka smoothly flowing down her throat, its chill shocking her system, then finishing with a warm glow in her belly. "Mmm. Now that makes you know you are alive." She affised to herself. And Chuck can definitely make me feel like I am alive.
She thinks back to their time together, when they were first thrown together by their agencies, and soon after threw themselves together in bed.
It was so exciting the way he gave his all to being a good lover. She shivered, her body sharing the memory of his kisses, his touches, and the way he explored her body, finding her different treasure spots. A kiss here, a touch there, and a lick right there and her body spun up 3 cherries and it was Jackpot! He learned her body, he learned her needs, he learned her desires. And, for a much too brief time, it was glorious.
But, that was her freewheeling lifestyle, not his. She somehow settled for him as a terrific work partner and cuddle buddy, and found her carnal pleasures elsewhere. But she couldn't settle for that anymore. She wanted the whole him, again.
But will that require that I give up part of me? In the club, I felt more than ready to give all that up. Maybe it isn't about giving something up, as much as it is about evolving. Growing out of some wants and needs and growing into others.
She throws back the rest of the vodka. So, is being an adult simply taking the time to think about all of this crap. Because it is making my head hurt.
She pours another finger, and tosses it back, the sipping part of drinking being pushed back to the 3rd tumbler.
If these are the kinds of things that were in Sarah's mind all of the time, no wonder she was frazzled. So Carina, what are you going to do? Besides talking to yourself in the 3rd person. She lets out a Vodka induced giggle.
She sets the glass down, gets in bed and sits back against the headboard, retrieving the glass as she settles in. What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? She considers possibilities, some with loving brown eyes, as the vodka leads her and her thoughts into sleep.
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A/N 3:
OK, it looks like it isn't smooth sailing. Chuck couldn't change enough to mesh with her, as she is. Let's see if she can change some, and move towards his lifestyle. Please leave a review and let me know what you are thinking about all of this. You can also pester me over on Facebook, in the Chuck Fanfiction group.