Happy Tuesday morning!
Friends don't friends do stupid things alone
Welcome back to our crazy life! I know, it's been a while since my first book, and I'm so sorry about that. I left off the last one with me throwing up and my family going crazy at Edward. He survived, by the way. Only just, but he did. I think my Dad is still plotting his demise, but I'll protect the prick. He's starting to grow on me.
So much time has passed, and a lot has happened since I wrote the last book. I'm having a difficult time working out where to start. I suppose the beginning is always helpful. It's a good job that I've been keeping a diary because it's true what they say about pregnancy brains. If I can forget it, I do. The only reason I know how pregnant are am is that the doctors keep reminding me of my gestation at each bloody visit to them. And gestation. Really? Why does that word not sit well with me? Maybe it reminds me of 'gesticulation,' and I don't like that word either.
.
The following days after the parentals tried to butt their noses in were a little calmer. Well, that was after Edward found his balls and shouted for a solid hour at his mother down the phone. We finally found out the main reason why she didn't like me.
Well, when we were in the office and I heard a little of cheerleading and drugs, I followed up on that info. It turns out, Edward's mom and my mom went to the same school and totally despised each other. His mom was the head cheerleader, which didn't surprise me, but she'd got caught with drugs in her purse. She swears to this day that my mom planted the drugs.
"Honestly, if I had drugs to spare, do you think I'd put them in her bag? Hell no, I'd smoke that shit up and screw the consequences," mom said, a little tipsy on wine.
That shocked the hell out of me. Well, not so much as I know that my mom wasn't as strait-laced as she appeared. Remember, she was the hippy chick that broke my dad's foot at the store.
"That woman, Bells. God, the number of times I could have swung at her. Holier than thou and all that crap. Honestly, she's like thrush. An irritating c-u-next-Tuesday,"
"Mother!"
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"What ya doing?" Rose asked as she sat herself down next to me. I looked up in shock, and very grateful that I didn't jump. Jumping too much might cause me to pee and I really don't want that to happen at the moment.
"Don't mind what I'm doing, what are you doing here?" Rose and I were in the waiting room of Emmett's new-fang dangled-midwife led unit. Emmett is my doctor, unfortunately, and he's also Prick's brother from another mother slash frat brother slash crying buddy. More on that later.
Rose is Emmett's wife and my new best friend. She's also the Mommy to an amazing girl called Ashley and let me tell you now, I love her to bits! Ashley's always on my side when I want to play a trick on the Prick. Granted, she's three, nearly four, so she doesn't know any better. She just sees me laughing and wants to copy me. I'm so up for that. Prick loves her, too, even if she does scare him.
The first time he came face to face with her was when she was stood just outside the bathroom door at our house, covered in toothpaste and panty liners. No clothes on her whatsoever and was screaming the house down for her Mommy. I don't know who screamed more after that, Edward or Ashley. For the rest of the day, he called her 'the scary little person.'
Me and Rose decided very early on in our friendship that we should stick together like glue because Prick and Emmett together was a dreadful combination.
On the first day we all met up, they went to get us snacks from the store and lost Ashley. They finally found her in the pet food aisle holding a toy fish in one hand and carrying a large cat bed behind her with the other. Don't ask. She screamed all the way home that she wanted a kitten. When they walked in the door, Edward looked shell shocked and was shaking slightly as Emmett laughed. Welcome to parenthood.
"Well, it became apparent that friends shouldn't let friends do stupid things alone," Rose replied, looking a little green. Oh no.
"He knocked you up? The bastard! But congrats, really." They both wanted more kids, and they were both great parents, but Rose wanted to wait a little while. She wanted Ashley to be in school full time before they started trying again, which I could understand. No one wants to deal with anything while going through your morning ritual to the porcelain Gods. And Ashley doesn't like sleep, it seems. She wakes at five in the morning, every morning. That would be a big fat nope for me.
"I know, right. You'll still be okay to hire me, right? You know that with the little one in kindergarten, I have this huge need to be out of the house," she asked, grinning wickedly. We just had too much fun when we were outside of the main four walls. And yes, I taught her the art if cart dropping. She loved it!
"Pfft, of course. You really think Emmett and Prick will say no? Like they'd be able to tell two horny and pregnant women not to do something. Oh, and I'm writing the opening of my next book, that's what I'm doing. Well, our next book. Prick says he thinks it's only fair to have more of a say with this one as he's more a part of it than the last one. I don't know where he gets that idea from, but that means I have to put my side across first. God knows what would happen if he took over. He'd make himself out to be chained to the kitchen sink like Cinderella," I replied, trying hard not to laugh. Do you know how bad it is to laugh when you're pregnant? Just a snort too hard and you're peeing yourself, unable to stop.
"I've got about a third into the first one. I don't know what I love most, learning how you liked to wind Edward up or the blog posts. And you were so right on the monster cock issue. I didn't really notice it until you pointed it out. Now I see massive cocks everywhere," Rose said, flicking through a baby magazine that I detested.
Why have a gorgeous, happy looking woman on the cover? Why don't they portray how the majority of us women feel when actually pregnant? Don't get me wrong, I'm over the moon with the baby being in me, but come on! Be real about it. Constant peeing, sore boobs, throwing up, not being able to eat certain foods. The foods we can eat, don't stay down long enough to actually digest properly and then there's the constant worry about weight gain and stretch marks. It's not all that glamorous. Bad skin is terrible, too. I feel like I'm a teenager all over again, and I've only just grown out of that stage!
"Cocks on the larger size, I suppose, are always good. When you see the authors write them out to be something horrendously large, it makes you wonder if they have actually seen one in the first place. Just think of the constant friction burns."
"I never understood the concept of giant cocks until I read your book. They were just a description in a book. A large healthy cock can do wonders when you need it to, but then it got me thinking. What is a large cock? How large is too large and why must every man have one in the written world?" Rose asked which I grinned at.
"Maybe it's because they're few and far between, so the authors are giving us what we want?"
"Possibly, but then you'd get bored of going large all the time. It's like super-sizing your meal. You stick to your average meal size, but sometimes you just need that little bit extra. If you had it super-sized all the time, what would you upgrade to when you're famished?" She laughed.
"Can I please ask why you're discussing male genitalia so openly in the waiting room of this beautiful establishment, that's half full of pregnant women?" Emmett cut into our conversation, and as I looked around, I saw that most of the women were blushing and smiling. Not one of them laughing or giggling, though. They knew what would happen if they did…
"Because sometimes a woman has to discuss the fiction versus reality issue that we have in books, Doctor Emmett. Maybe we should start a discussion group about false advertising when it comes to men," I giggled. Dammit, I have to remember leakage.
"Well, maybe you can do that at the bookstore when it opens. For now, how about we see all these lovely babies. Now, where's Edward?"
Good damn question. I knew Prick had a meeting, but he promised. I sighed a little and got back to my notebook.
Men were assholes…
Now, a word of warning. I've had 4 kids. 1 prem, 1 who was nearly born on the grounds of the hospital, not in it, 1 home birth, and my final 1 was an emergency C-section after getting pre-eclampsia. I'm also in the UK, so I will be writing a little about my experiences. They will probably be totally different from where you are in the world. Hence Bella and Rose being in a midwife-led setting.
And now we've met a little of Rose and Emmett. SO much more of them to come and you'll LOVE them!