Kokoa sat on her bed, back against the cold wall. She held her hands in her lap and stared at the lines in her palms as though she were looking for something. Itachi sat on the edge of his bed, his elbow on his knees, his forehead pressed against his hands in exasperation.
"Are you happy?" he said after a long while of silence had settled over them.
"Happy?" Kokoa looked up.
"Look what you've gotten yourself into."
"I'm a big girl. I can handle it."
"A big girl? Hn, adults don't act out like you do. Always running around and causing trouble. Sticking your nose where it doesn't belong."
"I did all of that for you, Itachi," she said, meeting his eyes. "Maybe if you hadn't run off like you did, we wouldn't be here. Maybe if you had just explained any of this, you wouldn't have to try so hard."
"I owe you nothing, Kokoa," he said. "I did what I wanted when I wanted. I didn't have to stay or explain anything. All of this is to make yourself feel better. Don't play that game."
"Perhaps I'd believe you if you weren't so desperate to keep me away or convince me you never cared. But every time we meet, you launch some gen-jutsu and use my weaknesses against me because it's the only thing you know how to do." She pointed a finger at him. "If you didn't care, Itachi, if you owe me nothing, why not kill me in the forest all those years ago? Or in front of Kakashi and Chiyo? Why not let Sakura kill me? Or Hidan and Kakuzu. Why make me swear to protect Sasuke if anything ever happened?" Kokoa fell quiet and went back to staring at her palms. Just what was Sasuke up to? Did Orochimaru already win? Or was Sasuke on his way to Itachi?
"A ruse. A cover. Lies," he said.
"All of it?"
"All of it." Neither spoke for a bit. Itachi stared at a dark spot on the ground. Kokoa slowly shifted her gaze, eyeing the way his ponytail fell against his neck. Alone with him, she didn't have to worry about the others. It was quiet in the room. And since Itachi had gone to great measures to keep Kokoa out of his head, she didn't have to deal with stray voices in her own head or any new side effects. She did, however, see and feel his overwhelming sadness, like a dark cloud hanging over him - a weight on his shoulders. And why he wouldn't just give in and share his truth, she had no clue.
"Our fathers knew each other," Kokoa said. Itachi sat up.
"I figured," he said.
"They were going to work together if they were ever hurt or attacked. They shared the same values."
"You speak of your father as though you knew him," he said.
"I do know him. We spoke. I already told you this."
"You weren't delusional? You weren't making things up to get to me?"
"No. I wouldn't lie to you, Itachi," she said. Itachi lowered his gaze. "He left me some chakra before he died. At my lowest point, when I almost gave up, he came to me, somehow in my head. He told me everything about the Kuroki and my mother, about Konoha and Danzo and how the Uchiha were victims too."
"Oh?"
"The Uchiha were pushed to the outskirts, given the measly title of police to shut them up. And even when you did everything Konoha wanted you to do, they still watched you. Even Orochimaru confirmed it. Your father was the head of the Uchiha and mine was the last of the Kuroki and known for his abilities. If Akihiko associated with Fugaku, it'd cause the Uchiha problems. And if Fugaku was involved with Akihiko, they would have been stricter with my father."
Itachi stayed quiet, his heart aching. His eyes never left the ground. Kokoa sighed deeply, wondering what it would take to get a reaction from him.
"Just recently while I was chained up, I had another vision. My father came to me again, but not to speak. He showed me a day from the past. Your father was there with him, at a bar. Both were frustrated with Konoha's harassment. You had just been born, Itachi-san," she said and smiled. "I was still on the way. Our fathers wanted change. They wanted change and peace for their children. My father said he wanted to change the system so one day you and I could walk the streets side by side with our heads held high without ever having to worry about looking over our shoulder."
Itachi still said nothing. He chewed at his tongue, hanging on to every word that left Kokoa's lips. She knew more than he thought.
"The Uchiha were planning a coup d'état, Itachi. And my father was going to help," she said. Itachi looked over at her, careful not to break composure. "But it seems he died before anything happened, and the Uchiha never attempted it."
"The Uchiha were desperate and pathetic, clinging to tradition and old ways. How they ever expected to pull it off or progress was beyond me."
"And that's why you killed them all?" Kokoa moved away from the wall. "Everything our fathers wanted, everything they were willing to die for, it meant nothing? All of it?
"All of it."
"You're out of your mind, Itachi. You don't do the things you did just like that. There's more to this story, but I'm missing the pieces. Don't do this. My father was going to help you. He was going to change Konoha for us."
"Akihiko is not my concern." Itachi avoided her eyes; though the pleading in her voice was enough to rattle him. He rose to his feet.
"He was going to help save the Uchiha!"
"My clan was beyond saving long before we were born. And my father was a fool for thinking yours would be any help."
"You are unbelievable!" Kokoa jumped off the bed. "Lying to my face over and over and over again! Do you think I'm stupid, Itachi? Is that it, huh? You think I can't see? I see it all. I see your guilt and your lies and sadness, all ugly auras clinging to you. There's no point in hiding. Stop wasting time. God knows what'll happen tomorrow. And your brother is going to come for you soon. He's going to kill you! I had to get here first. I had to save you from him and from yourself! So stop this act. Stop fighting. Stop running..."
"I'll deal with my foolish little brother when the time comes," Itachi said. "As for you, we can't have an impulsive little girl causing scenes around here. Deidara is enough. Let's go." He grabbed Kokoa by the hair and dragged her out of the room down dark, disquieting halls.
"Let me go! Let go!" Kokoa struggled in Itachi's grip. He kept pulling. "My hair – Itachi – you're hurting me." He uncurled his fingers and pulled back his arm. Kokoa stood up straight and rubbed her scalp. It burned. "Why do you -"
"Enough!" Itachi had her against the wall, a hand around her throat, bodies close. "Enough memories and old stories. Enough threatening to read my heart. If you can see all this guilt and sadness clinging to me, why can't you figure it out? If you're so damn smart, why are you so blind, Kokoa?"
"Itachi -" She couldn't speak or move.
"You got yourself into this mess, and now I'm stuck cleaning it up, stuck dragging you around with me like a toddler. If you don't want me to kill you, cut the garbage, Kokoa. Stop trying. There's nothing in my heart. I gave it all up long ago."
Kokoa raised her right arm, gently bringing it to his face, and brushed Itachi's bangs out of his eyes. She pinned them behind both ears and dragged her fingers over his jaw and down his neck before pulling back. He stared at her, lips parted, speechless.
"I see more than you think, Itachi-san."
Itachi shoved Kokoa towards the table. She gripped the back of a chair and watched him. He stood, chewing at the inside of his cheek as if he didn't know what to do with her.
"She shows herself at last, hm," Deidara said, approaching the two. "How's Akatsuki treating you so far?" He pushed her aside and sat in the chair.
"Stay here," Itachi told Kokoa.
"Where are you going, Itachi-san?" she asked.
"Oh?" Deidara eyed the two.
"That's no concern of yours, Kokoa. Stay here."
"But I'm supposed to stay with you. If Pein hears -"
"He won't hear unless you tell him. I'm not leaving the base. Stay here," he said and left.
"Brrr, how cold." Deidara flashed a smirk. "I don't know why you bother. He thinks he's all that just because of those eyes. He's nothing special, yeah." The blonde reached for the center of the table for a handful of senbei and peanuts. Kokoa circled the table and took the seat across from him. Deidara chewed loudly. "Why the mean look?" he asked.
"You don't remember me?" Kokoa narrowed her eyes at him.
"Of course I do. You're the crazy girl running around yelling for Itachi. Your damn friends killed Sasori no Danna, hm."
"Only because you killed my Kazekage and sat on his corpse like he was furniture. Your Sasori friend had it coming."
"You're just as stuck up as your Uchiha boyfriend. I knew I didn't like you, yeah." Deidara pointed a finger at her.
"Well I'm not here to make friends. Especially not with impulsive shits like you."
"Oi! Watch it! Then why are you here?"
"Itachi."
"I don't think he's happy to have you, hm."
"Oh well."
"I'm serious. The guy is stuck dragging you around. Why bother, hm? What are you trying to do? Get him to run away with you or something?" He grabbed another handful of nuts. Kokoa traced the cracks in the table with a finger. "Or is this all just to make you feel better?" Deidara asked.
"None of your business."
"Mmm, mature." He stood up, ready to leave.
"Wait," Kokoa said. She grabbed some nuts from the dish.
"Yeah?" Deidara stared, waiting for her to say something.
"Your explosives. You called them art."
"What's it to you?"
"I'm curious, is all." She threw a peanut at him. "Show me."
"How do you know I won't blow you up?" He motioned an explosion with his hands.
"Easy. I'll just kill you before you do."
"Hn, whatever. Follow at your own risk, hm." He started off. Kokoa swallowed the last of her snack and followed him.
Itachi, in need of some alone time, wandered off to the darkest corner he could find without raising any suspicion. Keeping an eye on Kokoa and keeping her out of his proved just as difficult as avoiding her out in the world. He was exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally. Tired of hiding, tired of lying and running. Always, always running. The conversation they shared in his quarters brought to surface a few details of that horrific night. Details he didn't quite forget, but thought he buried deep enough. He saw that moon. He felt that wind - sharp.
"Orokanaru otōto yo...if you wish to kill me, hate me, detest me, and live in an unsightly way. Run. Run and cling to life. And one day when you have the same eyes, come before me."
His world tipped. Sasuke felt himself fade, but as he began to fall, something stirred in him. He caught himself before hitting the hard ground and opened his eyes with a sharingan he would later forget. Itachi briefly eyed his brother with his own Mangekyo, acknowledging that the child had activated the kekkei genkai. The elder suddenly dashed off.
"Wait!" Sasuke ran after him, yanking three kunai from the nearby wall in the process. He pursued Itachi over a few rooftops, getting close enough, and launched the knives, one knocking the Hitai-ate from his forehead. Sasuke fell to his knees, out of breath and clutching the open wound on his arm. Itachi grabbed his headband, quickly slipping it back on before Sasuke made another move and before Kokoa stumbled upon the scene. For a moment he stood still, his back to Sasuke, dead Uchiha members littering the road. For a moment it was real, all too real, and it dawned on Itachi that it would be the last time he'd see his precious little brother for a long while. Though he was out of time, he turned, taking one last look at Sasuke. Tears slipped from wearied eyes; tears Sasuke would forget seeing; tears Uchiha Itachi would cry every lonely night so long as he lived.
Little did he know, Kokoa tossed and turned under her covers that night. Propping herself up on an elbow, she gazed out into the darkness of her bedroom with sleep filled eyes. She shivered and pulled the covers tight around her. Blinking once...twice...three times...she did not open her eyes again and fell asleep, though that terrible feeling stayed the night with her.
When it settled, when all was said and done, Itachi fell to his knees, sick to his stomach. He looked back at Konoha, at his home, his life, a horrible ache filling his chest. He had to walk away from Sasuke, to protect him. But Kokoa? He'd walk away from her, too, but with each passing day, he realized he'd never be able to let her go. No matter what he told himself. No matter how hard he tried.
Guess it was not meant to be
But it's not as bad as it seems
It only burns when I breathe, yeah
You saw the way that I fell
But I'm better off by myself
That's the tale I like to tell, yeah
But it's not that easy for me to say goodbye
And everything in me, wants you back in my life
Can't let you go
Can't let you go, oh
It feels like the dawn of the dead
Like bombs goin' off in my head
Never a moment of rest, yeah
Nothing kills more than to know
That this is the end of the road
And I know I gotta let go, oh
But it's not that easy for me to say goodbye
And everything in me, wants you back in my life
Can't let you go
Can't let you go
Can't let you go
Can't let you go, oh
Wish I could just find a way
To have all your memories erased
Cause constantly they're haunting me
But it's not that easy for me to say goodbye!
And everything in me, wants you back in my life!
Can't let you go!
Can't let you go!
Can't let you go!
Can't let you go! Oh
I can't let you go, oh
I can't let you go, oh
(A few things: I'm so sorry I've been out of business for a while. Family things and school getting in the way as always. But I am still working on this fic. Don't you worry. It's just taking me longer. It sucks for me, too, but I'll get there. Thanks for being so patient.
Also, yes, Akatsuki has some sort of base where everyone hangs out and eats and argues. Every fic I read back in 2008 had the same setup. It's just easy to give them bedrooms and a main location instead of walking around all the time. You know how Naruto fics work by now, right?
It's been ages since I used a song. I have a list where I planned out a few, so we'll see if I can squeeze the lyrics in. As always, thank you so much, and keep an eye out for updates. Much love!)