Hey, all. Sorry I've been so late. It's been hell here. I won't bore you with the details, but let's just say that I wish my kids were toddlers again and not, well, teenagers.

~ I will not stress. I will not stress. ~

I will not stress. I will have a calm and relaxing pregnancy. My glow will be there when I next look in the mirror, and Prick will have learned to put the toilet roll on the holder the correct way.

It was the whole 'self-fulfilling prophecy' bullshit. If I tell my self enough that it will happen, it will. Right?

Oh, who the fudge am I kidding. Prick would never get the toilet roll right.

I am currently 16 weeks pregnant, and I have the joyous job of cooking Thanksgiving food for everyone. I'd already got the majority of the stuff I needed from the store and what I couldn't find, I ordered online. Prick was good at a lot of things, but shopping, he was not.

Just last week, I'd sent him to the store for some almond milk, and he came back two hours later, ranting that it wasn't in the refrigerator section, but with the baking goods. I had to put up with him going on about it for an hour. By the time he'd finished, he was explaining the screwed-up logic of how stores were laid out. Why magazines were placed where they were and why the frozen goods were at the farthest point. I just let him get on with it while I tried to work out a seating plan for dinner. There was no way I wanted our first family in this home to be a blood bath.

I must admit it was my choice to have the meal at my house; I just didn't think it through enough. Not only would there be me, Edward and Mac, but also both sets of parents, my brother, and of course, Emmet, Rose, and Ashley. I don't think I missed anyone out. I hoped that I hadn't.

Having a 15-year-old brother around Edward's parents will probably be the highlight of my day. I've given him enough warnings to not cause any grief, but he's under the impression that Edward's parents will have enough crap coming out of their mouths for everyone. So, he's just going to sit back and enjoy the show.

I was concerned about my brother being around Edward's parents, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought it was more dangerous for Emmett to be around his parents.

From what I can gather from Emmett and Edward, Esme, his mother, did not like Emmett one bit. So, for them to sit in a house together for the next several hours was going to be remarkably interesting indeed.

I've already asked my dad to bring a large dose of ketamine with him, but whether I'll get the chance to slip it into Edward's mother's drink, I don't know yet. I would have to be careful. That was if my dad had taken me seriously. Most of the time, these days, he looked like he was ready to bolt out the door. It might not have helped that every time he spoke nicely to me about Edward, I bawled my eyes out. Tears made my dad extremely nervous.

I would say that I would want to set a nice example. Meeting his parents officially for the first time made me nervous, but as her opinion of me is so low, I don't think you can get much worse.

It can get worse, of course, because this is me and my life lives by Murphy's Law. If it can go wrong, it will. I've already worked out that my mother hates his mother. His mother doesn't like Emmett very much, and my brother is up for causing any amount of shit, as long as he finds it funny. All I need to happen is for Ashley to lodge something down the toilet again, and we'll be golden.

I am so screwed!

.

Prick

"Edward, need I remind you that I went through quite a lot of OB-GYN training, not that many years ago. Need I also remind you that you know full well I know more than you? You don't need to sit in that chair, arguing the toss with me over whether I'm qualified enough. Believe it or not, but Google doesn't know everything and for fucks sake, just because you saw it on Facebook, doesn't mean it's true! Just take my answers at face value and believe what I'm saying! The babies are very well protected, and you will cause no harm to them," Emmett said firmly, trying so hard to keep the grin off of his smug face.

I felt like I could reach over his desk and punch him for his attitude.

"Do you actually have children? Huh? Have you ever had the mental images of trying to make love while knowing full well that the babies can hear things?" I hissed as Princess giggled.

Yes, I admit it, I was a little freaked out. Princess and I had got into a routine of reading from a baby book each night after dinner. The moment she read aloud that in just a few short weeks that the babies would be able to hear us, I freaked out. I know Emmett has the 'Scary Little Person,' but surely he had no clue. How could he just sit there and grin at me about this?

Wasn't it bad enough that the babies would be able to tell that we were having sex by the movements? Did they have to hear us, too? What if when they're born, they hate me? What if they heard me make their momma scream, and it's scarred them for life? They'd need to be in therapy from day one!

"Edward, it's not that bad, honestly. Do you really think that husbands and boyfriends go nine months without having sex because the baby might or might not hear anything?" He was full-on laughing now, and it made me want to pout like a five-year-old. Ashley was better behaved than me, it seemed.

"You think my fears are funny?" I huffed again and even crossed my arms over my chest. If I wasn't sitting down, I might have even stomped my feet like a three-year-old did, just for added effect, of course.

"We do not think your fears are funny, or any other concern you have, but you know this is bordering on insane. You want it, and I want it, Prick. I'm horny as hell, and so are you when you're asleep, pushing your dick up against my ass. It's just when you're awake, you seem to have a problem," Princess cut in, trying hard to hide her smile.

"Annnnd, our time is up," Emmett said sarcastically as he cut Princess off from saying anything further and looked down at his plate.

"Okay, doctor, you made your point. Two horny people are not what you want at lunch," she laughed again as both of them laughed as I blushed, and she stood up.

"Come on, Mister, we need to save our office from Jessica," she said with a smile as she held out her hand to me.

Jessica had got it into her head that she needed to baby proof the whole place, which was a kind thought, but scared us a little when she started wailing about if we needed pink or blue night lights for the plug sockets. That's when we made a run for it and headed out to lunch.

We'd met Emmett at the door of the café and, of course, he invited himself to join our table.

Princess being the kind, tactful, and caring woman that she is, started to complain about my lack of involvement in the bedroom department.

I think my concerns were extremely valid. I didn't know if you could have sex or not, and not only that but would the babies hear us? Would they be born into this world damaged by their parents going at it all day and night? I sounded like a song on repeat, but I was scared shitless about this stuff, and I was a man. I was supposed to be the strong one, helping Princess through all of this and helping out where I could. I had to be the one person she could rely on, and what was I? A bumbling mess of a man who felt utterly lost, confused, and downright horny!

As I said, my concerns were valid.

.

On the way home, we whined and bitched about our current situation, and I finally gave in. We were going to have sex.

Okay, not straight away, she insisted on a minimum of three dates. I actually found it laughable that after all this time of not having sex and wanting it, she was now putting me on a three-date limit. I could somewhat see her reasoning, but barely. We hadn't really been on a single date together yet. Not one. Granted, we'd been to lunch a few times and went out together, but no dressing up with bunches of flowers and sweet kisses at the end of the night.

"Edward, I know you're really into keeping the kids safe and all, but could you speed up just a little bit?" She whined as I looked at my speedometer.

I was just touching the speed limit.

"Princess, I'm sorry, but you and the babies aren't going to be put in danger by my driving. I'm sticking to the speed limit," I said firmly, turning my eyes back to the road.

There was no way I was going to do anything reckless now that she was carrying my babies.

"Well then, now I know that you'll just have to replace the heated leather seat when my bladder decides to explode over it, won't you," she said sweetly.

We made it home quicker than normal due to Princess desperately needing the toilet, and I couldn't face replacing the leather seat in the car.

I helped her out of the car, and when I finally managed to get in the front door behind her, I froze.

My mother was half asleep on the couch, cuddled up to my father, who also looked dazed, and Princess's mother was filling in a total stranger on the benefits of herbal relaxants. Scattered over the floor were quite a few bottles of red and white wine, clearly empty!

Our parents were pissed, and Rose was here, too, chasing after Mac, who looked as though he would never drop that damn yo-yo.

What the hell had I just walked into?

Do you think things are leveling off now? Hormones calming? Prick stressing a little too much over simple things? I was actually the one in my first pregnancy to panic over sex. I just couldn't wrap my head around them being soooo close down there to...things.

Again, if you're in the UK, how the heck are you coping in this heat? The humidity?! This is like hell on earth!