Crossovers Which Must (Not) Happen

Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is the property of Studio Khara. I am not Studio Khara. Nor do I own any of Studio Khara. Therefore, I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion. Quod erat demonstrandum. (That's Latin for "Pshyeah right, like suing me would even be worth it if I were stupid enough to claim ownership." Latin is a very concise language.)

Prologue: You Can (Not) Add a Parenthesized "Not" to Every Last Eva Fic Title

Kouzo Fuyutsuki never felt comfortable in the UN offices just outside Tokyo-3. However, since the organization now directly oversaw NERV, he had no choice but to go there when summoned. So it was that, on a hazy spring morning in 2016, he found himself greeting the squat, black-suited gentleman with a comb-over, thirty years his junior. He gave his host a suitably obsequious bow and formal good-morning.

"Good morning, Commander Fuyutsuki," said Haruo Yoshimoto, Chief Financial Officer of UN Japan. "Please have a seat. How are your wife and child or children?"

"Still non-existent, sir," said Kouzo, his face a mask.

"Ah, yes. Never married. Sorry." He gave a perfunctory bow. "Well, let's get right to it, shall we? Once again, Commander, the UN is most grateful for your help in foiling Ikari's and SEELE's respective plots to launch Third Impact, exposing their responsibility for Second Impact, and providing us with enough evidence to keep Ikari, Kiel and Kiel's cohorts in prison for 140 years each. However, there is another matter which requires your assistance."

"I'm ready to offer whatever help I can, sir."

"Of course you are." Yoshimoto put his hands behind his head and leaned back in his chair. "Here's the situation. When the UN seized control of SEELE, we acquired not only their considerable assets, but also their rather more considerable debt." He leaned forward and pressed his index fingers together just under his bottom lip. "And the bulk of that debt stems from NERV, I'm afraid."

"The EVAs, sir?" Kouzo knew the answer very well, of course, but played along.

"In a nutshell. While they certainly defeated the Angels as Ikari had assured us - albeit with substantial property damage and at least one Tokyo-3 cartographer certified insane following a battle- your unholy abominati- your valued weapons cost many billions of yen to develop, maintain and repair. Commander Fuyutsuki, we need your help recouping those costs."

The elderly man, having known this was coming, repressed a sigh. "Have you any suggestions, sir?"

"I do." The younger man leaned back again and smiled. "My colleagues in the UN Media and Public Relations division tell me that many people within the entertainment sector are interested in the accomplishments of NERV, particularly those of your brave, inventively-legal child soldiers. They'd like nothing more than to adapt their story."

Kouzo, struggling to control his facial muscles, let slip a raised eyebrow. "What sort of adaptation?"

"We're thinking anime is the most feasible and potentially lucrative medium. Should that prove successful, other media tie-ins would follow: manga, light novels, games, amusement park rides; the sky's the limit. And of course the associated merchandise. Just imagine: EVA plushies and transforming toys. Poseable action figures of the Angels and pilots." He put his finger to his chin and gazed inward. "That red-haired firebrand of a girl, in particular, would make quite the fetching toy, or perhaps body pillow, with her form-fitting-". He shook his head and whisked away the drool. "Sorry. Where were we?"

Fuyutsuki was about to call Section Two when he remembered he wasn't at NERV. Instead, he drew a deep, quiet breath and said, "Recouping costs through anime, sir."

"Right, right. To that end, we've enlisted the services of the world's leading entertainment agent, Sidney Namaste Goldstein of Beverly Hills. Yes, he's American, but don't worry; he knows the anime sector inside out and he should be able to land the most appropriate studio and director for this project. He'll meet with you at NERV this Thursday at 9:00 AM. Oh, and he's a very important and busy man, so please be understanding of any gaps he may have in knowledge of Japanese professional manners. Thank you for your hard work. You're dismissed."

Much as Kouzo loathed Yoshimoto, he was grateful for that warning, as it prevented his first meeting with Goldstein from causing a burst blood vessel, stroke or worse.

"Fuyutsuki! Buddy! Bubbeleh! Glad to meet ya," said the agent, who apparently lacked an indoor voice, as he stampeded into Kouzo's office and slapped him on the back. Tall, silver-haired and orange-toned, he wore a green and purple Hawaiian shirt with tan khakis, and was barefoot. (He'd been wearing sandals, but had recalled, from his hastily-checked copy of Japanese Etiquette for Drooling Morons, something about removing footwear before entering another person's space, so he left them with the receptionist.) "Hey, is that the Tree of Life on the ceiling? Fuckin' A. I studied kabbalah for three whole weeks in a night course with Madonna, back home in L.A. Good stuff, good stuff."

Fuyutsuki took a quick extra-strength ibuprofen capsule with some water, then bowed to his guest. "Mm. Yes. Welcome to NERV, Mr. Goldstein," he said in Oxford-accented English. "Please, have a seat."

"Thanks, Fuyutsuki-tan." The agent made himself comfortable. "Wait, is it -tan, -chan, or-?"

Kouzo's smile stretched tight as a drum skin. "It's -san, but as we're both speaking English, not Japanese, 'Mr. Fuyutsuki' will do. Or, preferably, 'Commander Fuyutsuki.'"

Goldstein pointed two finger-guns at him and clicked his tongue. "You got it, Commander. So listen, I've been reading all the reports Yoshimoto sent me on the Angel battles, daily life at NERV, and such. The stuff that wasn't either blacked out or technobabble, anyway."

The commander was impressed his visitor had done some reading, at least. "Very good. Do you feel there's a potential anime series in it?"

"Ehh... maybe. But I gotta be honest with you. I'm not sure an anime based on NERV will catch on, all by itself."

Kouzo tilted his head. "What do you mean?"

"Well," said Goldstein, scratching the back of his neck. "It's just... the impression I got is that NERV, from its command - no offense - to its pilots, is too... serious. Too heavy."

"We are a military agency, Mr. Goldstein. When fighting a war, some degree of seriousness is unavoidable and indeed desirable."

"Oh sure, yeah, I get that.," said the agent. "But that doesn't necessarily make for good TV. I mean, these reports have your staff talking about 'Hedgehog's dilemma' this and 'Instrumentality' that and 'the sickness unto death' this. Even your, what, fourteen year old pilots seem to spend all their time, when not in combat, pondering what it means to exist, to love, to be one with others, yada yada. I feel like instead of plugsuits they should be wearing black turtlenecks and matching berets, ya know?"

Fuyutsuki, thinking the boor actually had a point, allowed himself an unforced smile and chuckle. "Perhaps. What would you suggest, then?"

"Glad you asked. I think that, in order to get as many eyeballs glued to screens as possible, we should make this show a crossover with some other big anime or other entertainment franchise. That'll be our hook. Sure, it won't be so true to life, but then this was never gonna be a documentary either, right?"

"True enough. Unfortunately, I've never watched any anime in my long life, and can count the number of live-action films and TV shows I've seen on two hands with some digits left over. Would you have any ideas for crossovers?"

Goldstein waved his hands in front of his head. "Nah, nah. I don't do ideas. That's where you guys come in. Have a chat with your staff, see what they come up with."

Later that afternoon, the Commander sat at the NERV conference room table with Sub-Commander Misato Katsuragi, Chief Scientist Ritsuko Akagi, Chief Operations Officer Makoto Hyuga and resident shit-disturber (whatever his official job title was now, that wasn't it) Ryouji Kaji.

"I just want to be on record," said Ritsuko, "that I think this is a colossal waste of time. I realize the Angel Wars are over and - thank the gods - Instrumentality is permanently off the table, but NERV still has a mission. And that mission doesn't involve coming up with low entertainment for the masses. We're a research institution now."

"I know, Doctor," said Kouzo, "and you're right. However, our hands are tied. We take our orders directly from the UN now, and if they say we have to dip our toes in the anime industry, then our toes we must dip."

"Hrm. I suppose. But don't look to me for ideas; I never saw any anime growing up. Mother forbade it, along with most TV programs." She looked across the table at her best frenemy. "How about you, Misato?"

The Sub-Commander shrugged. "The last anime I remember seeing was Sailor Moon Sailor Stars when I was ten. I've no idea what 's hot among kids, or even adult-kids, today, sorry. And before anyone asks, neither does Pen-Pen. He only likes nature documentaries." She looked to the men at her left and right. "Makoto? Kaji? Any ideas?"

"Nope," they said in unison.

"I was always more of a gamer," Makoto said by way of explanation.

Kaji thought for a moment. "Here's a thought: why don't we ask the Children? If no one else, surely Shinji, Asuka and Mari must be at least halfway-knowledgeable about anime and maybe other media?"

Misato grinned. "Hey, yeah. That's a great idea. The only issue is that three kids - five, if Rei and our resident enemy-turned-ally Kaworu actually submit anything - is kind of a small pool to draw from."

"How about this," said Makoto. "The Children's friends and other classmates all have parents who work for NERV, and it's not like this anime would contain any classified information. (Or any real information at all, possibly.) Why don't we open the request for ideas to all of them?"

Kouzo smiled. "Now we're getting somewhere." He turned to Misato. "Katsuragi, fill the Children in and e-mail their school. I've another meeting with - ugh - Goldstein in three weeks, so let's regroup in two weeks to go over the ideas we've received and pick the best ones. Such as they may be. Assuming we get any, that is."

The Commander needn't have worried. NERV received 1.5 times as many submissions as there were students in Class 2-A. These ranged in length from a few points scrawled on a single sheet of foolscap, to immaculately-formatted, multi-page proposals enclosed in binders. (Kensuke alone had submitted three of the latter, and he wasn't the only one to think big.) So when the NERV higher-ups reconvened to review the submissions, they had their work cut out for them.

"If there's no objection," said Kouzo, "I think we should begin with the full-length proposals, as they're the most likely to give us anime ignoramuses something to work with. Here, for example," he went on, reaching for the binder at the top of the stack nearest him, "is a submission by... let's see... Pilot Soryu. How about that. It's for a crossover with something called Kill la Kill by Studio Trigger. Heh. Well, the title and studio names are... apropos enough, I suppose. We'll take turns reading these aloud. Anyone want to go first?"

Kaji extended his arm. "I'll start." Kouzo passed him Asuka's proposal, and he began to read.

A/N: Well, here goes my first serial Eva fic. Please let me know what you think.

Note that I've posted this to the main Anime - Evangelion category because there will be (I hope) several franchises involved, and in any case what follows will be more in the way of brief parodies than true crossovers.

The framing story for this fic follows none of the canon timelines in particular. Thus: Mari is one of the pilots, but she's the same age as the other Children, unlike in the Sadamoto manga and works informed by it. Rei here is Rei II, not III, not Q, five is right out. Kaworu still being around is explained briefly in-story, as you've seen. As for Touji, he survived the Unit 03 incident without permanent disabilities, but requiring hospitalization long enough that by the time he was discharged, the Angel Wars were over and his services as pilot were no longer needed. That doesn't mean we won't see a submission from him, though. We'll see.