Crossovers Which Must (Not) Happen
Chapter 1: Do (Not) Lose Your Way
Disclaimer: Kill la Kill is the property of Studio Trigger. Neon Genesis Evangelion belongs to Studio Khara. I owe my soul to the company store.
Program Note: Each of the following chapters presents only selected scenes from the Class 2-A submissions, with occasional reactions by the NERV staff reviewing them.
"Didn't you hear me?" said Asuka Langley Matoi, glaring at Student Council President Sayanami Kiryuin as they stood, several feet apart, before the entrance to Honnouji Academy. "I'm looking for the asshole who killed my mother and made off with the other prong of my Lance of Longinus. I have reason to believe you know who that is. Well? Answer me, you emotionless doll!" She lunged forward.
Sayanami clicked her heel against the ground. "I'm not a doll." She turned to the school's Boxing Club Captain at her right and nodded. "Toujiharu?"
Toujiharu Fuzuhara charged the newcomer, who snorted as she blocked the first blow from his iron glove. "Sending your flunky to do your dirty work, Kiryuin? Afraid to face me directly, or to scuff those white boots? No matter; your jock stooge is no match for the Great Asuka Langley Mat-"
Asuka didn't get to finish her boast, as Toujiharu's second punch disarmed her and sent her tumbling down the steps and well away from the school. She scooped up her weapon and made a quick retreat, lest the boxer humiliate her further.
"Some avenger I am," said Asuka as she explored the ruins of her mother's burnt home. "That Mari Illustrious Mankanshoku said something about the Student Council officers and club captains all having 'star' uniforms which increase their fighting power. If only I could get my hands on one of those - Whoa!"
She found herself falling down a chute leading to an underground room, and landed on a pile of clothes. A bit of blood from a freshly-reopened battle wound dripped down onto them.
"Um... excuse me?" said a tiny voice, causing her to scream. "S-sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. Your blood... c-could I have some more, please?"
"Bitte? Blood? What. Where are you anyway, whoever you are?"
"Sorry. Here I am." A scanty navy-blue and red sailor fuku rose from the clothing pile. "I'm Shinjetsu. So, um, if it's not too much trouble... some more blood, please?"
Asuka blinked twice, then pinched herself to confirm she was awake. "What are you, stupid? You want my blood? What do you think this is, a Twilight ripoff? I prefer keeping my blood inside myself where it belongs, thank you."
Shinjetsu sighed. "So weak... Must have blood... Well, you leave me no choice. Sorry." With that, he lunged at her.
Asuka shrieked, stood up and backed away. The fuku leapt towards her again and again, chasing her around the room, but couldn't seem to gain much altitude, let alone any hold on her. Eventually he flopped down by her shoes in defeat.
"Sorry... I'm so sorry... I'm the lowest of the low... You probably hate me now..."
The girl looked down at him with a sneer. "How pathetic." However, as he continued to whimper and verbally beat himself up, her gaze softened.
"Ach, you idiot," she said at last in her gentlest voice. "I guess you don't mean any harm. If it's that important to you, I'll put you on. You're not even that bad-looking a fuku. Kind of cute, actually. Um! Th-that doesn't mean... Look, I just feel sorry for you. Whatever." She crouched down to pick him up. "You better not try anything perverted."
Asuka stripped down and put on Shinjetsu... and immediately felt a surge of power such as she'd never felt before. "Whoa! I feel great. Are... are you doing this, idiot Shinjetsu?"
If the fuku could've smiled, he would've beamed right then. "That's the power of the Life Fibres I'm made of," he said. "Just a tiny bit of your blood makes me strong, and that in turn makes you stronger."
"Stronger, huh? Well, idiot Shinjetsu," Asuka said with a smile, "this might just be the beginning of a fine relationship. Friendship! I mean friendship." She hoped he couldn't sense her blushing. "Professional partnership, even. Don't get any funny ideas. Idiot."
Kaji suddenly found it hard to hear himself read, as a drawn-out, high-pitched squee to end all squees rang out to his left. He turned toward its source. "Katsuragi, do you mind?" he said with a smirk.
"Eeeeeeeee," said Misato, clenching her fists to her chest. "Asuka and Shinjetsu... How adorable. I ship it so hard... Oh. Ah. Sorry, Kaji." She patted his arm.
Ritsuko shook her head and tsk-tsked. "Honestly, Misato. Are you twelve years old?" But she too was smiling. "Besides, even the real Asuka and Shinjet- I mean Shinji - aren't going out. Yet," she added when Misato's face drooped for a moment.
Kouzo popped an ibuprofen and massaged his temples. "If we may continue...?"
"Sorry, Commander." Misato folded her hands on the table. "I'll be good."
Asuka strove to stay awake as her elderly teacher, Aikuro Mikiryouji, gave the same lecture yet again. (Her new surrogate sister, Mari, simply napped at her desk as usual.) "Blah blah humankind's resilience," said Mr. Mikiryouji. "Blah blah triumph over tragedy... Blah blah and I'll tell you this for free... Blah blah off my lawn you whippersnappers..."
At last the end-of-class bell rang and everyone sprang to their feet. Mari, restored to her usual "caffeine personified" energy level, squeezed Asuka from behind, hands just shy of her bosom. "Yay, lunchtime! Let's go, Asuka."
"Wait. Before you eat lunch, Ms. Matoi," said the teacher, "I need to speak with you."
"Yes, sir," said Asuka. "Mari, save me a seat in what passes for the lunchroom here." Her friend nodded eagerly and bounded into the hall. "So, what's this about?"
Mr. Mikiryouji regarded his student with more attention than she'd imagined he possessed. "Ms. Matoi, there's something important I must tell you, regarding your quest."
"My... quest?" said Asuka, eyebrows raised.
"You seek your mother's murderer and the other prong for the Lance of Longinus, yes?"
Asuka's eyes narrowed to slits so fine you could cut yourself on them. "How do you know about that?"
"One moment. Privacy is required." The teacher locked the door, pulled down the window blinds and closed the curtains. He walked back to the girl. "Let me first explain: the persona you see before you is but a disguise."
A bead of sweat began to form on Asuka's forehead. "Teacher... this is a little creepy. I should go." She turned towards the door, but he gently caught her arm and stood once more in front of her.
With a cry of "NERVist Beach!", the elder removed his thick, horn-rimmed glasses. In an instant, he-
"Is there a problem?" said Kouzo to Kaji, who'd just stopped reading. All the colour drained from Kaji's face, then returned with a crimson vengeance.
"Kill her," said Kaji. "I'm going to kill that girl. She's gone too far this time. I... I'm sorry, Commander. Everyone. I need a moment. I promise I'll come back; just... I want neither to read nor to hear this next bit." He bolted for the door. and was gone.
Everyone still at the table sat stunned for a bit. At last, Misato reached for Asuka's proposal. "Fine, I'll take over reading for now. Now let's see what's got our resident Mr. Cool all hot and- Oh. Oh my." She blushed and giggled for a whole minute, until Kouzo cleared his throat. "Sorry, sir." She took a deep breath. "I can do this." And she picked up where Kaji had left off.
With a cry of "NERVist Beach!", the elder removed his thick, horn-rimmed glasses. In an instant, he transformed into a thirty-year-old man, his dark hair tied in a long ponytail. A hint of manly stubble adorned his chin. He was slim yet buff, and very, very naked. His nipples sparkled like stars.
"You see, Asuka, my role as doddering teacher is a cover for my true purpose here at Honnouji Academy. I'm an agent of NERVist Beach, a collective dedicated to foiling the SEELE Corporation's evil plans. My job is to mentor you so you can help us. All right. The first thing you need to know is- Asuka? Are you in there?"
Asuka gaped and gaped at the agent's godlike body. I don't know, she thought, what the most appropriate reaction is here: protective outrage, or unguarded lust... I... I think lust is winning...
"Asuka Langley Matoi!"
"Uh!" She snapped back to attention. "Sorry, sir. I'm all right, but um, could I ask you to please put on some clothes? Thanks... Uh, you can leave the glasses off, if you like."
Mr. Mikiryouji chuckled. "Fine. As I was saying, the first thing you need to know is that there are both good uses and evil uses of Life Fibres. Your newly-acquired armour, Shinjetsu, is an example of good usage. Why? Because before her untimely and tragic death, your mother Kyouko Matoi made him just for you."
Asuka smirked. "She always was trying to fix me up with a nice bo- with a nice outfit."
"Ah, but as you've already seen, Shinjetsu is far more than just a nice outfit. He's your key to surviving your quest to avenge Kyouko's murder and restore her weapon, and our quest to defeat SEELE, purveyor of evil Life Fibres."
"What makes the evil Fibres evil?" said his student.
"All will be revealed in time," said Mikiryouji, "as opposed to right now, for some reason that eludes me. For the moment, let's talk strategies for making the healthiest and most efficient use of Shinjetsu, so that wearing him doesn't leave you drained and fatigued."
[Several episodes later]
Asuka found it hard to comprehend what was happening around her in the Honnouji arena, at the opening ceremony for the school 's Culture and Sports Festival.
First, Sayanami had officially welcomed her father, SEELE CEO Ragendo Kiryuin - and proceeded to stab him through the torso, revealing herself, her Student Council and indeed the entire academy to have been in rebellion against him all along.
Next, the stabbing had yielded no effect on Ragendo whatsoever, as his very body was made of Life Fibres. Nor, Asuka was soon to learn, was he the only one.
"You see, my dear Asuka," he said after knocking Sayanami unconscious. "I've been anticipating our meeting for some time now. Cute little Yui Harime, my adoptive daughter, wasn't lying when she told you she killed your mother. But who ordered her to do so? It was I, her ex-husband. I simply couldn't allow her to get away with defecting from SEELE out of so-called 'ethical' concerns."
Asuka paled. "Ex-husband? Then - then that means -"
"Yes, Asuka. I am your father, and Sayanami is your sister. Well may you hate me for abandoning you all these years, but that was because I thought you were a failed experiment. It turned out I was wrong." He shrugged. "First time for everything, I guess."
"Wait. What do you mean, 'a failed experiment?'"
Ragendo tented his fingers. "As you can see from your quisling sister's futile attempt on my life, I'm not exactly human. I'm made of 100% Life Fibres. I wanted at least one of my biological offspring to be as well. And it looks like I've succeeded." He reached into Asuka's chest and pulled out her Life-Fibre covered heart. "See?"
Asuka trembled so hard she could barely stand. "Mein Gott. I - I'm a monster."
"You say 'monster,' I say 'inevitable next evolutionary step.' Tomayto, tomahto. You see, daughter, the time draws near when SEELE shall cause every last Life Fibre on Earth to rise up and wipe humankind off the face of the Earth. We call that event: the Thread Impact."
"Did you hear a noise just now?" said Shinji, lifting his eyes from the homework he was doing on the floor of Misato's living room.
"Yeah," said his ginger roommate, pausing the first-person shooter she was playing. "It sounded like a drawn-out, collective groan."
"Huh. What do you suppose that was about?"
"Don't know; don't care." Asuka's stomach rumbled. "I do know, and care, that it's almost dinnertime, so someone needs to get his idiot butt in the kitchen." She stuck out her tongue at him, then grinned and winked. "Please."
"As you wish," said Shinji, winking back. "Buttercup..."
"Idiot! I told you not to call me that." But she was laughing as she chased him around the apartment.
Meanwhile, in the NERV conference room, the senior staff had finished their groan.
"I think," said Kouzo, "that's as good a point as any to adjourn for today. But before we do, what do you all think? Does Pilot Soryu's proposed series have any potential?"
"I like it so far," said Makoto. "But there's a distinct lack of giant mechs in it. NERV's claim to fame aside... considering how proud the Second is of her EVA, that's a bit odd."
Misato shrugged. "She may have decided that because Kill la Kill doesn't have any, it'd be too awkward to cram them in. I sense, anyway, she sees this as more of a character-driven show."
"My only concern," said Ritsuko, "is there seems to be an awful lot of gore and near-nudity for a children's anime. If I were the sort ever to reproduce, I wouldn't want my kids watching this."
Misato chuckled. "Oh Rits, you sweet summer child. Anime is like any other medium: there are shows (and timeslots) for kids, for teens, and for adults. This would definitely go in the adult category. I mean, not like Adult-adult, since it doesn't actually show anyone's good bits."
"Speaking of which," said Kaji, now calm but still determined to have a long chat with his former ward about boundaries. "My only input is that either Agent Sparkly Nipple keep his damn clothes on, or he be retooled not to resemble me. At all. And you can all stop giggling."
"Sorry, Kaji," said Kouzo, who'd in fact been laughing the hardest. "As for me, I think with some... refinement this series has potential. I especially like how it makes Ikari the villain. All in favour of starting a 'short list' and putting this on it?"
Everyone raised their hand, Misato and Makoto more enthusiastically than the rest.
"Short list it is. All right. Thank you for your hard work, everyone. Let's call it a day. We'll reconvene tomorrow, same time, to review the next proposal, which is... let's see... a crossover with Kaguya-sama: Love Is War by A-1 Pictures. The author is Hikari Horaki."
"Ah, the class rep," said Misato, nodding in approval. "Good news, Kaji; that means the probability of teachers running around in their bare-nakeds is - Ow! Not there, you. That hurts. At least wait until we're alone. Geez."
A/N: Kill la Kill. What it lacks in animation consistency, pacing and even remotely realistic handling of parental abuse, it makes up for it with solid characterization, clever use of musical leitmotifs, and truckloads of sweet, sweet equal-opportunity fanservice.
"Sayanami": Yes, it's a bit forced as a parody name. Yes, I'm aware there's an actual character named Rei in KlK, but apart from her personality being nothing like that of Evangelion's Rei, she doesn't have a significant role until the bonus OVA episode at the very end.
I do apologize for portraying Yui, however briefly and "off-screen," as an out-and-out villain (as opposed to her merely ambiguously-ethical character in Eva canon). But I couldn't resist the "Nui/Yui" rhyme, nor how Yui's close connection to Gendo parallels that of Nui to Ragyo.
As for Mari/Mako, I originally wanted to do one of those scenes in which she gives a bizarrely inspiring speech while flitting about under a spotlight. However, aside from having Asuka becoming uncomfortable, for some reason she can't identify, when the "Hallelujah" Chorus from Handel's Messiah plays, I couldn't think of anything. It's just as well; Mako's speeches work better as rapid-fire sight gags than they would as prose.
In response to Authorofntent's review: my intention is to parody other popular franchises themselves, along with Eva itself, not other crossover fics. Though I do appreciate your greenlighting the use of your fics, which are very funny indeed. I especially like Shin-Feld and "The Great NERV Pie Fight."