Crossovers Which Must (Not) Happen
Chapter 2: Both of You, Dance Like You Want (Not) to Confess
Disclaimer: Kaguya-sama: Love Is War is the property of Aka Akasaka/Shueisha Inc. and, for the anime adaptation, A-1 Pictures. Neon Genesis Evangelion remains the property of Studio Khara. Da-di da-di do, please please do not sue.
Shuchiinerv Academy was Japan's foremost combat-training centre. The high school prepared students not for defense of the nation against external and internal threats, but for the more refined battlefield that is romance. For love is a zero-sum, winner-take-all conflict in which the first of the partners to confess their feelings loses. Victory entails not only resisting that temptation, but also manipulating the other into confessing first.
Facing one's fear and taking the romantic initiative? Open and honest communication? That wasn't the Shuchiinerv way! At all times, students had to follow the niceties of the intricate dance that is courtship.
At the time our story begins, our two heroes, who presided over the student council, were rehearsing a more literal sort of dance, the traditional fishing-themed Soran Bushi, which they would perform with their classmates at the upcoming school cultural festival.
"But President," Secretary Mari Illustrious Fujiwara had asked two days earlier in the student council office, "do you know how to dance?"
"Hey!" said scholarship student Mitouji Shirogane. "You think I'm just some rural Kansai hick who don't know his left foot from his right? 'Course I can dance."
That was a lie! The closest thing he'd had to dancing experience was the time, back in elementary school, when he thought it'd be cool for his street gang to go full "dance battle," West Side Story style, in a rumble with their opponents. It was an unqualified disaster: shins were split; hamstrings were unstrung; street cred was turned to crud.
"How about you, Vice President?" asked Mari. "Have you danced before?"
"Oh ho ho ho!" said corporate heiress Hikaguya Shinomiya, shielding her mouth with the back of her hand. "Please. I've received extensive professional dance training as part of my upbringing."
That was an equivocation! True, at her father's behest she'd taken several weeks of dance lessons. However, those were for Western ballroom dancing: waltz, foxtrot, tango and the like. If Mari had forced the issue then, Hikaguya would've had to admit she didn't know Japanese folk dance from the "Gangnam Style" meme.
That brings us back to the story's beginning, in which Mari, hearing the Soran Bushi song wafting from a classroom after school, peeked inside and witnessed Hikaguya and Mitouji flailing about like newly-caught fish. What's more, they were completely out of sync with each other.
Mari's scream of horror rattled the windows and their nerves. She marched over to the CD player and pressed the stop button.
"Oi!" said Mitouji. "What's the idea, Fujiwara? We were dancing."
"Oh, is that what you call what you were doing?" The secretary paced back and forth between them, waving her hands. "You lied to me, both of you. You said you knew how to dance."
Hikaguya sighed. "Okay, so we're a little rusty. Okay, so our fellow dancers... invited us to practise separately from them. But we'll be ready come the festival, right, President?"
Mitouji nodded. "Yeah. Cut us some slack, ey."
"Forgive me," said Mari, "if I don't believe you. Now listen: you two are not only representing your class, but the grand tradition of Hokkaido fishing shanties, dating back to the Edo period if not earlier." She mimed dragging nets and pulling ropes as she ranted. "Will you bring shame upon that tradition, or honour?" She came to a stop and stared them down, hands on hips.
"Fine, fine," said Mitouji. "So can you help us dance better?"
Mari smiled. "Sure can! But the festival's only a week away, so this calls for a special Fujiwara training regimen (patent pending). Now go study... something. I've got things to arrange, so meet me in our office an hour from now."
"Okay, I see where this is headed," said Kaji after Ritsuko had paused her reading of Hikari's proposal so she could take a smoke break outside the NERV conference room. "It looks like a shoujo rom-com version of the Israfel battle."
"It does," said Misato, stretching her arms behind her head. "But then, shouldn't it be Shinji and Asuka in the starring roles?"
"You'd think so, yeah. Even so, just as Asuka's submission starred a version of herself, it's understandable that Hikari would do the same with herself. Besides, didn't you tell me that she and Touji have their own 'can't spit it out' history of romantic tension?"
"So Shinji tells me," said Misato, sipping her canned coffee. "They've got that 'bickering like an old married couple' thing going on, too."
Kouzo cleared his throat. "In any case, Dr. Akagi's returned, so let's get back to the reading. Doctor?"
Hikaguya and Mitouji met with Mari in the student council office. "Okay. so what's the plan?" asked the President.
"Simple," said the Secretary. "In order to get yourselves completely in sync with each other, you will both live in a dedicated wing of Shinomiya's mansion for one week."
"EHHHHHH?" said her two colleagues, red-faced and momentarily chibified.
"For seven days, you will rehearse together, study your textbooks together, do the same leisure activities together, eat together, brush your teeth together. Anything that isn't indecent, you'll do together. That way, come festival time, you'll ace the dance for sure."
"But," said the quivering Mitouji, "but I can't stay over at the V.P.'s place."
"That's right," said Hikaguya, crossing her arms and tilting her head up in an attempt to seem poised. (She failed to notice, however, that her right foot was tapping the floor with the velocity of a hummingbird's wings.) "My father would never allow it."
"Actually, my lady Hikaguya," said her maid and fellow student Ei Hayanami in her usual deadpan way, "I've already obtained your father's permission on Ms. Fujiwara's behalf."
"Gah!" said Mitouji, with a leap. "When did you-? Have you been standing there this whole time?"
"Yes, she... does that," said the Vice President. "You'll get used to it."
"Furthermore," said Ei, "Mr. Shinomiya has appointed me as your chaperone for the week. That, along with separate rooms for changing clothes and sleeping, should alleviate any concern over the propriety of this arrangement."
"Ah, but hold on," said Mitouji. "What about school? We won't be able to stay in sync there with our friends and hangers-on around." He folded his arms and smirked.
Hikaguya did the same. "Ha! He's got you there, Mari." My hero, she thought, as manga bubbles surrounded him in her mind.
"That won't be an issue," said Ei. "Messrs. Shirogane and Shinomiya have jointly informed the principal of your mutual absence, and your teachers will furnish you with the assignments for the week."
"My suggestion, of course," said the Secretary, smiling, nodding and oblivious as always to the underlying reason for her colleagues' unease. (Ei, as Hikaguya's confidant, was well aware of that reason, but said nothing, as her primary duty was to the Shinomiya family's overall welfare and honour.)
Damn it, Fujiwara, thought Hikaguya and Mitouji almost, but not quite, in sync.
"So!" Mari handed the Soran Bushi CD to Mitouji. "You both have your mission. Now go home, President, and pack a bag. Ei will have a limo sent to pick you up." She bounced on her heels. "Best of luck, you two!"
Three days later, Mari dropped by the Shinomiya mansion after school to check up on her colleagues' progress.
"So," said Mitouji, wiping his forehead after a run-through of the dance. "How do you like us now?"
Mari squirmed in her seat. "Well... As individuals, your movements are much more fluid and graceful, no question. So good job on that. I no longer have the urge to remove hooks from your mouths and toss you back in the water."
"What," said Mitouji and Hikaguya.
"However! You're still not in sync with each other. Not quite. And if you're out of sync with each other, you'll be out of sync with your fellow dancers too."
"Come on, Mari," said the Vice President. "Be reasonable. It's not possible for two people to be one hundred percent in sync when dancing. Especially when your partner is slowing you down."
"Slowing you down?" said the President. "Hell, if anything you're going too fast for me. Take it down a notch, why don't you."
"Guys, stop," said Mari, waving her hands. She held her forehead and thought for a moment. "All right, let's try an experiment. Ei, why don't you dance with the President. Just this once. V.P., take a load off your feet for a bit."
Ei nodded and got into position next to Mitouji. Mari started the song once again.
Hikaguya sat and watched her maid dance with the President. Soon it dawned on her that they were, in fact, perfectly in sync, like Olympic professionals. No, she thought, as beads of brow-sweat began to trickle downward.
When the song ended, Mari leapt to her feet and applauded. "There. One hundred percent synchronization. You see, Hikaguya? It's possible after all. ... Hikaguya? What's wrong?"
The Vice President's lower lip was trembling. Tears were welling up in her eyes. She turned and ran out of the room.
Mari, hands on hips, glared at Mitouji. "Well? Don't just stand there. Be a man and go smooth things over."
"How the hell is this my fault?" said the President. "I didn't do nothing."
Ei sighed and stood up. "I'll go."
She found her employer's daughter in the nearby bonsai garden, sitting on a bench and still weeping. Ei walked over to her and held out a packet of tissues.
"My lady Hikaguya, don't be so hard on yourself. There's still time to get it right."
Hikaguya sniffled and looked up at her. "The heck there is. But... but it's fine, Ei. You two obviously belong together. I won't stand in your way. All I ask is that you surreptitiously clip a lock of his hair for me to remember him by."
Ei blinked twice. "A lock of-?" She tilted her head. "Is that what you think this is about? My lady, I'm not interested in the President. At all. And even if I were, I'd never try taking him from you. And I'd certainly never nab a lock of his, nor anyone's, hair without permission. This is real life, not an Alexander Pope mock-epic."
"Alexander-?" Hikaguya shook her head and resolved to Google that later. She looked back at Ei, who was now seated beside her on the bench. "So... you really think there's still time to get this right? The routine, that is."
"The routine. And... other matters as well." Ei gave her one of her rare, tiny smiles. "Just don't force it. Let it come naturally. And yes, that applies to both concerns." She held out the tissue pack once again, and this time Hikaguya, smiling back, accepted it from her and discreetly tooted her nose.
Talk about synchronization... at the very moment Ritsuko finished reading that sentence, a booming nose-blow came from across the table.
Kouzo, not looking up, took a quick-dissolving ibuprofen lozenge. "Sub-Commander, once again I must ask you to keep your emotional reactions in check during a meeting."
"Forgive me, sir," said Misato, "but that wasn't me this time."
The Commander looked at her and noticed she was indeed dry-eyed and free of sniffling. "Then who-?" He looked to her left and saw Makoto blubbering away.
"Major Hyugai, really," said Kouzo.
"I... I'm sorry, Commander. This is my first exposure to shoujo stuff and I guess I wasn't prepared for..." He trailed off and blew his nose again.
Kouzo shook his head as Misato patted her protege on the shoulder, while Ritsuko rolled her eyes and Kaji clenched his teeth to keep from laughing. "Just take a moment to collect yourself, and then let's move on."
By the night before the cultural festival, our heroes had finally managed to dance in close enough sync for even Mari's exacting standards. After the Secretary wished them well and went home, they enjoyed a synchronized dinner and a light workplace comedy (laughing in sync throughout), then brushed their teeth in sync and, bidding each other a simultaneous good-night, headed for their separate bedrooms.
At precisely midnight, Hikaguya got out of bed and walked slowly into the hall. Despite Ei's advice, three days earlier, not to force matters but rather let them come naturally, she saw an opportunity to lay a trap for Mitouji.
Her plan was simple. Pretending to sleepwalk, she would enter his room and lie down beside him, her face turned toward his. Then, to wake him, she would cry out in her "sleep" for her deceased mother, being sure to shed a tear or two. If she did this right, Mitouji would awaken, discover her in this physically and emotionally vulnerable position, and feel moved to kiss her. With him having thus made the "first" move, she could then claim victory in the battle of romance and take him as her lover. She sighed as she imagined them walking the school halls hand in hand, to the admiration of their adoring public.
The perfect battle plan! There was, however, an obstacle she hadn't foreseen: Mitouji had come up with exactly the same idea. (He even, for good measure, had a deceased mother too.) And he had just put it in motion at exactly the same time.
Within seconds, their matching schemes ceased to follow the principles of military strategy and succumbed to the laws of physics. Two irresistible forces, moving toward each other, collided. Painfully.
"Ow! Hey!" they called out, impressively though unintentionally still in sync. Ei, the commotion having awoken her, stepped out into the hall and trained her flashlight on the two of them collapsed on the floor, trying to shove each other out of the way.
"While I'm happy that the two of you have taken the inevitable leap forward," she said in her usual monotone, "this is not the appropriate place for it. Nor the appropriate time. Nor, especially, the appropriate method."
"This isn't what it looks like!" cried the two of them. The synchronization training really had paid off.
Ei tilted her head. "It isn't? Pity. I mean, I see. In that case, you'd both do well to return to your separate rooms and go back to sleep. Don't worry, my lady Hikaguya; this won't get back to your father."
The night's battle result: No score.
The next day, at the festival, Mari watched her two colleagues perform the Soran Bushi dance flawlessly. Even more so than their fellow dancers, in fact.
"I raised those two myself," she said, smiling and brushing away a tear.
The day's battle result: Victory for Mari.
"And that's Hikari's submission," said Ritsuko, putting the binder down. "Hmph. Sentimental mush."
"Well, I thought it was sweet," said Misato. Makoto, still crying but now in complete silence, nodded.
"Perhaps," said Kouzo. "But what do these romantic hijinx have to do with NERV? At least Asuka's proposal had heroes and villains in hand-to-hand combat, not to mention an apocalyptic conspiracy not unlike SEELE's or Ikari's."
Misato stroked her chin. "Maybe we could frame Hikari's story as an allegory. A Zen parable about combat, even. 'As you dance, be the net,'" she said in a deep monastic voice. "'Be the ropes. As you mime the casting off of the fishing vessel, cast off all notions of moral duality and know that your catch is the Buddha-nature.'"
Kaji groaned and rolled his eyes. "Katsuragi... you know how I feel about you. But as they say in America, don't give up your day job."
Koujo chortled. "I must agree. Anyone else care to argue the merits of Horaki's proposal?"
As Misato folded her arms and puffed her cheeks in mock-frustration, Makoto, having recovered himself, spoke up. "As I've said, I don't know much about anime. But I do know that many anime and manga series, if they've made enough money, launch what's called an alternate universe spin-off series, which imagines the characters in a different setting, such as an ordinary high school. So although we probably don't want to go with Hikari's idea right off the bat, if the anime we do green-light takes off, we could keep hers in mind for such a spin-off."
"Sounds good to me," said Kouzo. "All in favour?" Again, everyone raised their hands. "Into the spin-off pile it goes, then. Thanks for your hard work, everyone. We'll meet back here tomorrow to review - let's see - Pilot Ikari's submission, a crossover with a British live-action TV drama called The Prisoner."
A/N: Huh, how about that: I managed to do a complete story this time. It helped that it's smaller in scope than the previous chapter, combining premises and plot points from Evangelion Episode 9 with a segment from Kaguya-sama Season 2, Episode 22, "Miyuki Shirogane Wants to Dance" (adapted from Chapter 84 of the manga). Does the combination succeed? Please let me know.
Merry Christmas to all those observing it today. To everyone else: Season's Greetings and enjoy your weekend.