I needed air. Quickly. The lights were beginning to blur and swirl around me. People's voices seemed foggy and distant. A group of us decided to leave the dance floor at the same time — thank god I would have someone to follow. I wasn't sure if I could manage navigating my way back to the tables where the rest of the crew was gathered. As I looked up from my feet and tried my damndest to focus my vision, I saw Bones being clapped on the back by someone in an old leather jacket, with perfectly tousled golden brown hair. Jim.
Of course it had to be Jim. My heartbeat stumbled into my ribs just as I physically stumbled into the person in front of me. I muttered a brief apology under my breath and watched as Jim pushed through a door on the other side of the room.
I clumsily made my way through the few people that remained between myself and Bones. My foot caught on something as I neared the table and my hands flew out to balance myself as my vision settled. How many drinks had Uhura convinced me to have?
"Bones. Was that Jim?"
His brows furrowed more, if that was even possible. His eyes darted between me and the door where I thought Jim had just gone through. It was obvious that Bones was having a grand internal debate about confirming my suspicions. I was just about to push him further when he finally blurted out a response.
"Yes, dammit. That was Jim. Just ... just go easy on him, okay?"
Now it was my turn to furrow my brows. My feet were already moving towards the side door as I decided I didn't have enough energy to give Bones a response. Being drunk was already making this a volatile situation. I needed fresh air. I needed to talk to Jim. The two things just happen to currently exist in the same space. After what felt like an eternity of wading through the sickly hot, crowded club, I finally pushed through the side door and out into the fresh-ish air of Yorktown.
The door swung shut behind me with a loud thud. It was then I noticed that I was breathing heavily through my mouth. I hadn't been running through the club, had I? It did help get the cool air into my lungs faster. Somehow my inebriated body kept moving forward. I kept taking steps toward Jim.
And then, words were rushing out of my mouth before I could even debate whether or not they should be said. This was why going out with large groups of people only led to poor choices. Damn my weakness.
"You're not leaving, are you?"
I had managed to walk within a few feet from him. It took an incredible amount of effort to force my feet to stop moving. I planted myself in one place, being careful not to lock my knees, and I folded my arms against the cool night air.
Jim still had his back to me as he leaned on the metal railing with his forearms. His chin was tilted upwards towards the sprawling night sky that was dappled with beautiful moons and planets and stars. It was just enough of an angle for me to see the side profile of his handsome face. Were his eyes glassy? Or was that just the alcohol messing with my usually perceptible mind? And what exactly was he —
"Not yet, no."
Silence hung heavily in the air between us after he spoke. There was no plan concocted in my mind when I had rushed out here after him. Really the only checklist items were to get fresh air before I heaved my guts onto the dance floor. And talking to him. But what I would say, on the other hand… that was still a big, fat question mark.
I hadn't worked any of this out over the past few months. None of it. I had shoved it to the farthest, darkest corner of my mind so it could sit and collect dust. And now here I was, my heeled foot in my mouth, desperately trying to think past all the booze in my system and come up with something to say to the man standing an arms-length away from me.
"Why did you do it?" It came out too small, too quiet, too hurt. But it was honest. And honesty was easy with alcohol-laced breath.
Instant regret. Take it back, take it back!
Blame having had too much to drink. Blame the alignment of the moons. Blame something. But it was too late. The words were already out in the air between us. I gripped my arms tighter against my chest in the hopes that maybe I could squeeze some sense into my brain.
He let out a soft chuckle before he turned himself around to face me. He leaned cooly against the railing, his own arms crossing against his chest. Suddenly, my hammering heart rate filled my ears. He looked tired. Even a tad unwell. Bags had formed under his eyes, and the contagious energy he had possessed all those months ago had vanished. Electric blue eyes finally shifted from his shoes to me — I wasn't ready to be pinned under his piercing gaze.
"Because I wanted to. Look, I wasn't drunk or trying to pull off some stunt. I know that's hard to believe, but I was just doing what felt right to me."
A scoff abruptly left my lips as he finished speaking. I couldn't help it. There was suddenly white-hot anger rising in my chest that fueled my racing heart, no longer racing due to the handsome captain standing before me, attempting to mask his womanizing ways behind feelings.
"You can't just do something like that. I barely know you, Jim. And then to pull that… whatever it was and expect me to just skip along with it — "
"I didn't know what I was doing, okay? It wasn't premeditated. It wasn't planned. There'd been a lot on in my mind then, and there still is, and acting on impulse is kinda my thing. It wasn't fair to you and I'm sorry you had to take the brunt of it."
Slow, intense throbbing was nagging at my temples as I tried to keep my blurred vision locked onto him. I could tell he was being sincere. That he wasn't just trying to further feign ignorance. His defensiveness and the raising of his voice were convincing enough. But there was still anger flaring up behind my ribs. For this situation. For how I felt. For how I didn't want to feel. For how I had him to thank for pushing me back to the academy. It was all just bubbling over and out of me now.
"And of course you just happen to show up at the club tonight, after Uhura told me that you, without a doubt, weren't coming."
All the childish rage … I couldn't keep it down. I couldn't fight it. Not with this much alcohol coursing through my system. Oh how I wished I could've just floated off into space. Away from this horrible situation. Away from my own big mouth.
"First off, those are my friends in there. My crew. I was invited days ago. I had no idea that you would be here. Hell, I wasn't even going to come! So my apologies for wanting to get out and live a little." He pointed towards the closed door to the club as he spoke, adding emphasis to each statement.
His temper was flaring. I could see the tension gathering in his shoulders. His voice had gotten considerably louder, and his cheeks were tinged with red. Challenge rose in my chest. The familiar feeling that came along with combat. Of assessing an opponent in order to destroy them systematically. Sparring verbally, however, was not my strong suit.
"Of course! Don't hesitate to remind me about your success as captain," I threw in air quotes around his title for good measure, "and how you have a crew and that they're your friends. I can't go anywhere on this damn station without being reminded of you and your, your youness!"
My drunk insults were leaving something to be desired. But as I yelled, something in him shifted. I watched as the tension eased from his shoulders, dropping his head down slightly so his gaze refocused on his shoes. He grew quiet for a few moments, leaving me and my eager anger to debate between leaving or saying something further.
"Well, your odds of running into me will be zero in just a few short hours."
My brows knitted together again. I was starting to get the spins. I needed support, or else I was going to fall over. That wasn't really a surefire way to win an argument. With a few carefully calculated steps, I moved to the railing next to him and forcefully rested one of my hands on it. I was able to steady myself, to focus on his mussed hair. Swallowing hard against my churning stomach, I managed to find my voice again. Smaller than before. Less feisty.
"What do you mean?"
He sighed and brought one of his hands up to rub his forehead before continuing.
"I'm leaving for our next mission tomorrow."
I nodded absentmindedly as he spoke. He really didn't have to explain himself. I knew exactly what he meant the first time. I hoped that if he explained himself, maybe I could come to terms with it. Maybe I wouldn't still feel this ache inside myself that wanted him to be around. An ache that wanted to keep getting to know him. It was a near primal need to just have a friend. Or some semblance of a friend. So I countered him with the only thing I had left. I sidestepped the wrenching in my gut and foolishly kept talking.
"I've been back at the academy for a few months now. It hasn't been easy, not in the slightest, but I'm doing it."
He finally turned his head to look at me again. A smirk pulled at the corner of his lips. His eyes finally seemed brighter, like that night so many months ago. My own lips twitched upward into a small grin. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of a full smile. Take that, fruity drinks in my bloodstream.
"It must have been all those rousing stories I told you about my misadventures and triumphs in space, huh? Can I expect a formal thank you in my inbox soon?"
Of course he would take the road of self centeredness. Was there any other road with Jim? I rolled my eyes and looked up to the starry sky before shifting my glaring gaze back to him.
"You are so full of yourself. All the time. Constantly. It must be exhausting. I swear if I could go back in time and never have agreed to go out with you — "
"Oh yeah because I really forced you into having a drink with me. By asking politely I might as well have had a phaser to your head!"
"Don't even pretend you don't use that convenient manly charm or whatever it is you have to woo any woman you — "
"May I remind you that you were not wooable? Even if that had been what I was trying to do? You literally ran out of my apartment! I forgot, we couldn't just have a civil chat about what had happened between us. No, the much better option is running away!"
"Just like you were running off tonight? Away from me? Away from dealing with it? And now you're running off to space where you'll never have to face me."
My breathing was ragged, as if I'd just sprinted around a few blocks. My fists were clenched and shaking. Ready to hit someone. Hit him. My buzz had faded around the edges, leaving me with nothing but a loose tongue and fueled fists. And as I tried to steady my breathing, tried to push the rising anger down away from the surface, he started laughing. Laughing. There were a few things he could have done in that moment to push my anger over the edge. Laughing was definitely at the top of that list.
"You're laughing at me?"
I cocked my head at him as I watched him continue to laugh with his face tilted up towards the sky. His lips were spread in a wide smile, the laughter rolling out from between his white teeth. I pushed off from the railing and paced away from him. There was a familiar, burning wave of heat spreading through my limbs. The kind of heat I knew fueled my fists into action. Whiskey and honed instincts were not mixing well.
"Yeah, I am. Listen to us. Bickering like some old married — "
Before I could reign in the heat that had sprang loose from inside of me, I was turned around and standing just inches away from him, fist cocked. Trembling with anticipation. God, how I wanted to punch him right in that pretty boy face of his.
"Come on, you wanna hit me? Go ahead, hit me. Will it make you feel better? Because you look like you're about ready to — "
And then my fist was flying, fed with raw power from my shoulder and connecting soundly with his nose. The coil had sprung — it always did. Albeit usually in a more appropriate setting. I hadn't actually punched or fought another person in my adult life. While I was on the road as a child, however, that was a different story.
He stumbled backwards a few steps, bracing himself on the railing with one hand before both hands shot up to his nose. My jaw hung open as I staggered towards him, grasping for his shoulders so I could assess the damage I had just unleashed on his nose.
"Jim! Oh my god, are you okay? I am so, so sorry, I don't know what came over me, I…"
But as his wide, shocked eyes met mine, laughter roared up from my lungs. Real, from the gut laughter. It was so inappropriate, so misplaced. But I couldn't stop it from erupting out of my mouth. I held onto one of his shoulders for balance as my other arm flew around my stomach.
Laughter this rich existed nowhere in my recent memory. A chuckle here or there, sure. A hearty laugh at a funny story or good joke, maybe. But not this crippling, vise-like laughter that seemed to cut through my buzz and my flaring temper with ease.
"You broke my damn nose!"
I tried to look up at him but pools of tears blurred my vision. Between the alcohol and my sudden fit of hysteria, I needed to find my composure. With a deep sniffle and a quick running of my hands through my hair, I managed to subdue my laughter slightly.
I used what little logic I could scrounge and started ripping the bottom hem of my dress off — or rather Uhura's dress — to clean up the blood from his face. As I turned to help him sit down so he could tilt his head back, I found that he was laughing quietly to himself.
"What the hell is wrong with us?"
A few more chuckles escaped my lips as I put my hand back on his shoulder and gently guided him down to the edge of the patio. The railing allowed us both to sit on the edge with our feet dangling over. I brought the rag from my dress up to his slowly bleeding nose and gently guided his head back. It felt more intimate than it should've.
As soon as he lifted his hand up to hold the rag in place, I brought my hands back to my own lap. He leaned back on one palm, fingers splayed out on the smooth concrete of the patio. He was still laughing softly to himself as he held the white, now gradually turning red, fabric of my dress up to his nose.
"I think I punched you for a lot of different reasons. None of them really having to do with you. While you do piss me off, and infuriate me, I'm still very, very sorry."
He shook his head as best as he could before tilting his gaze down to me.
"I deserved it. I need to be put back in my place every once in a while. Granted these days I'm usually getting my ass kicked by foreign species who have a beef with Starfleet instead of by women at clubs. That training at the academy is definitely honing your skills, cadet."
Even with the sarcasm dripping off his last few words, another chuckle escaped my lips. Easy and light. Everything felt so clear in this moment. So uncomplicated. Why not tell him about the past few months? It didn't seem so scary after reminding him that I could systematically destroy his body with a few expertly placed punches. Plus, it didn't seem like he'd be going anywhere soon with a bleeding nose and bruised ego.
So I tipped my head back just like his, my eyes falling onto the same set of stars and planets that his gaze was considering. Words started tumbling from my mouth in a steady stream. My voice was slightly hushed, as if speaking too loudly would dispel the moment, pulling us out of this odd peace we had seemed to find after I had punched a Starfleet captain in the face.
I touched on everything from the stuck up judgmental students, to my struggles with core subjects, to how painfully obvious it was that I was far more skilled at combat than any of the old, washed up instructors were.
He sat and listened intently, offering a chuckle or asking a question here and there, his head tipped up at the night sky the entire time. As my words finally came to a halt, trailing off after a story about embarrassing myself with a wrong answer to a basic math question in front of a class full of young cadets, we were met with that uneasy silence once again.
The feelings of that night lingered around us both. Unspoken and avoided questions that were starting to cripple any chance of friendship, or whatever else might come of us seeing and enjoying one another's company. It hurt. It really did. And I could tell it was hurting us both.
As I turned to look at him after what seemed like hours of my own rambling, I made a choice. A relationship-altering, bold, risky choice. Blame the alcohol, blame his closeness to me, blame the adrenaline high of punching him in the face paired with dancing all night.
I made the choice, and was committed to seeing it through. Because the silence lacing all of our conversations was just not how I wanted all this to play out.
"Jim." His name came out a whisper, soft and breathy after my boisterous, unexpectedly animated explanation of the past six months of my life.
After a few seconds of what seemed like his own internal debate over even turning his head to look at me, his piercing blue eyes fell on my own pair of honey golds. A light breeze pushed a lock of hair into his eyes, along with a gentle wafting of his natural musk. The same musk that had riled up my senses all those months ago.
Before he could reach up to move the hair from his eyes, my hand was in motion. I placed my fingertips on the warm skin of his forehead before gently moving them up to the roots of his hair, returning the fallen strands back to where they had come from. Then, my hand slowly ran down the side of his face, with as much tenderness as I could manage, before resting my palm on the warmth of his stubbled cheek.
His mouth fell open slightly as his eyes traveled over my face, eventually stopping on my own parted lips. Before he could speak, before the silence could take us again, I closed the minute speck of distance between us and pushed my lips against his.
Everything that had been wound up so tightly between us unraveled as the kiss sprawled out over seconds. A spark of urgency ignited beneath my skin as he moved his lips to deepen the kiss, causing the tips of their tongues to brush together for just a moment.
Every ounce of uncertainty fell away as he rested his comfortingly warm hand on my arm, the same arm that had my hand still cupped over his cheek. Heat gathered between us, the kiss growing more intense as I felt him start to lean into me more, which caused me to be pushed backwards towards the patio of the club. The club.
With an incredible amount of effort, I managed to pull back from his lips — those soft, expertly moving lips that seemed to work perfectly in tandem with my own. Our breathing was heavy as we sat, foreheads pressed together under the twinkling lights of the dimly lit patio. Fortunately for us, it was at the back of the club, where there was just a row of bushes before the back alley street.
After taking a few moments to gather my scattered thoughts, I managed to get out a coherent, fully formed sentence.
"It probably isn't smart for a Starfleet captain to be blatantly kissing a cadet in public."
He pushed his lips softly against mine once more before responding.
"Come with me on this mission."
A breathy, alcohol-laced laugh escaped my lips at his impossible request.
"Jim, I can't just come with you. What am I supposed to do, sneak into the cargo hold? That seems like a fun way to spend what could potentially end up being years in space."
The word "years" made something in my chest tighten. A fact, but a fact that complicated something that was already complicated. Wonderful.
He ran his hand up my arm, placing it on top of my hand that was still resting on his cheek. Taking my hand in his, he pulled them down to rest together on the cool concrete of the patio.
"It won't be like that, not exactly."
My brows furrowed as he insinuated he had some other kind of plan. I gave him an incredibly quizzical and skeptical look as I pulled away from his forehead to fully observe the idea that had suddenly lit up his eyes.
"What exactly do you have brewing in that head of yours, captain smoothtalker?"
That achingly familiar and infuriating cocky smile that I had missed during all these months spent avoiding him spread across his face as he ran a thumb over the top of my hand. It brought warmth to the pit of my stomach, reminding me exactly how I had felt all those months ago. Of just how much I had missed him week after week.
"Can you be at the academy's grand auditorium tomorrow at 9?"
I cocked my head at the request, wondering if I had in fact heard him correctly or if the alcohol had distorted my hearing that drastically.
"You want me to come to an official Starfleet meeting tomorrow at 9? Why?"
"All you need to do is show up, be somewhat put together and coherent, and you should be boarding the Enterprise with us tomorrow afternoon."
"Jim, I don't want you to — "
He brought a finger up to my lips, stopping me mid sentence. I gave him a scowl that was met with a shit-grin of his own.
"Trust me. Just show up. Please. You've been busting your ass for six months straight. You already have two years of academy under your belt, even though they're not counting it. You've set yourself up for this opportunity. Let me work the board and reward you for all of your hard work. You'll go crazy sitting and waiting at the academy for the next two years. This could be the shot you need to prove how valuable you are to Starfleet. Kick start your career without wading through all that bureaucratic bullshit."
I couldn't help but laugh at how excited and animated he suddenly had become at the prospect of me joining the crew — his crew — of the Enterprise for this mission. It was awfully contagious. Granted the exhaustion from tonight's craziness was setting in, along with a splitting headache from what no doubt would be one of the worst hangovers I'd ever had. Not to mention my vision still wasn't all too stable and the patio still seemed to have a bit of a spin to it.
Bringing a hand to my forehead, I gave my head a few shakes before responding to his bold, albeit over ambitious, plan.
"Jim, you're crazy. But I'll be there at 9. I'll be there. I may not be the most coherent considering how late it is now and the impending awfulness of this hangover, but I'll be there. And I really hope you're not sticking it out for me, I don't want this to backfire and have you get in trouble all because of —"
"I won't, and trouble is really just a part of who I am as a person at this point. It's a fact of my life. It doesn't scare me."
Another laugh escaped my lips as I took in his face, now shining with something happier and brighter than the grim, contemplative man I'd come across just hours ago. If this whole scheme of his had any chance of succeeding, which meant keeping that electric look on his face for longer than just these few hours, then I needed sleep. Quickly.
"I should really get back to my apartment to give this plan a chance in hell at being successful. Maybe a few hours of sleep will miraculously clear my head and body of any lingering effects of way, way too many drinks thanks to Urhura's unique brand of peer pressure."
He was on his feet quickly, offering me his hand with a smile that drew my attention to the bit of crusted blood dried around his nose. Not broken, but definitely badly, badly bruised. I took his hand gratefully as he hauled me up a bit too quickly.
The world spun a little too much, causing me to misstep and stumble instead of regaining my balance. I found my hands pressed against his chest as he stepped forward to catch me before I could fall.
Ever the opportunist, he took the chance to place his hands on either side of my face and place another smoldering kiss on my lips. Before I could fall into the trap of his heat again, I managed to pull away with a smile and laugh.
"Kiss a man once, and he becomes insatiable. If someone sees us, this whole plan is blown."
He groaned begrudgingly and slid his hands away from my face to rest them harmlessly behind his back.
"Can I walk you home at least?"
"Mmmm, something tells me that is definitely not a good idea. I'll be okay on my own. I'm not far, which is good news for my feet in these ridiculous heels of Urhura's."
"That explains why you're dressed so exquisitely tonight. A little more than your usual leather jacket and boots."
I wound up to give him a playful slug on the arm, but rather than risk actually hurting him again, I settled for patting him on the shoulder.
"You're lucky I feel bad for already making you bleed once tonight."
"Thank you for sparing me — this will already be quite the look to sport to the very important board meeting tomorrow morning."
He flashed me that huge, charming grin of his, and before I could make any rash decisions that would inevitably ruin any chance of his plan for tomorrow working, I smiled back and clasped my own hands together in front of myself.
"Goodnight, captain. I'll see you in the morning."
I leaned in to brush a soft kiss along his stubbled jaw, whispering a breathy "thank you" lightly in his ear before quickly turning around and heading for the patio stairs.