The hollow echo of my boots in the empty, bright white hallway gave my temples something to throb in time to as I made my way to yet another meeting. I had visited every corner, every blasted level of the damn ship in just a handful of hours. Between meeting with officers, reviewing reports, taking hails from command, and adjusting itineraries and schedules based on ever-changing orders, I was spent, annoyed and feeling prickly — and that was putting it mildly.
What irked me the most was that the entirety of this mission had been nothing but the most tumultuous and aggravating uncertainty, coupled with yo-yoing from barely hearing from command at all, to being inundated with information and orders in a matter of hours. And today just happened to be one of the days where I was navigating an avalanche of information in every meeting I attended.
Our course was being altered yet again. The original loop we'd been repeating had gone through a number of different adjustments during our weeks following it around over and over again. This time, a portion of the journey was being widened to incorporate an area we hadn't traveled through before. Shortly after those orders had been received, while I was in a separate meeting with Scotty regarding engineering updates and cadet reports, I was paged back to the bridge to answer a direct hail from command.
In a rush of information that I had little to no time to process before the call was disconnected, I was told that if we were to come across any planet in this new course adjustment, I was to assemble a search party and head down to the surface to ascertain what exactly what or wasn't inhabiting or existing on the planet. I couldn't even get out the question, "Why?", before the screen cut out to its usual view of cold, black space.
Now, as I half walked, half stomped my way back to the bridge to deal with another urgent request from the crew, I finally had an opportunity to be alone with my thoughts for a few minutes before needing to immediately tune in to another issue, another request, or more vague details that would tell me absolutely nothing about what the hell I was doing out here in empty space, chasing the Enterprise's own tail as we made loop after useless loop.
"Jim, you got a sec?"
Out of all the people that could get under my skin in an instant, Bones was generally not one of them. Today was one of the rare exceptions. My eyes rolled reflexively as he hailed me from somewhere in the hallway behind me.
It took more energy than I would've liked to not tell him to get lost and give me sixty seconds to myself to think before my brain was turned into complete mush with more meetings and orders and bureaucratic bullshit.
I knew full well without turning around that the doctor would be by my side before I could give him a response. And something in the back of my mind told me, based on the order of events that my day had rolled out into, that he would not be taking "no" as an answer.
"What is it, Bones?"
"I take it today has been a bit of a shitshow with command, seeing as how their orders have been annoying every blessed person on this ship and then some."
"No one knows that better than me, Bones."
"Well I know you don't need another thing added to your plate, Jim, but I had a direct order come through to me from command that just doesn't sit right with me."
My brows furrowed as I thought back to the dozens of read and unread reports waiting for me back at the bridge.
"I don't remember seeing any orders come in regarding you or med bay."
"That's because you weren't on it, Jim. Not only did they not include you on the request, they wanted me to keep the request from you. And the request in and of itself is just… Well, I don't like it, Jim. Not one bit."
I could tell from the shift in the doctor's tone that he was serious. But after the morning I'd had being inundated and overwhelmed with information, I couldn't help but try and bring some humor to my life and to his.
"Please tell me it was a request to perform a lobotomy on me so I can deal with the ungodly amount of shit they've been piling on me in my sleep, leaving my waking hours peaceful."
I could feel his steely, irritated gaze burn into the side of my face as we continued walking towards the bridge.
"This isn't funny, Jim. The request is about Aria's incident on Yorktown. They want me to — "
Just as we rounded a corner into another hallway that led to an elevator that would take us up to the bridge, we were met with a scene that was impossible for my brain to process as it unfolded before us.
A cadet was crouched on the floor next to the wall as someone else leaned against it, half fallen down with their arms leaning against it for support, their legs still tucked underneath them as they made futile efforts to stand over and over again. It was clear that the cadet was trying to help whoever was struggling. The cadet threw a panicked glance over their shoulder to find Bones and I standing still, just as we were taking in the sight unfolding before our eyes.
"Doctor! Please! I was just passing the end of the hallway when I saw her falling against the wall, trying to stand and stumbling. She's out of it, and I can't get her to talk or stand."
We both jogged over to where the cadet was desperately trying to keep the person from stumbling over. Just as Bones knelt down to help with the ailing crewmember, my heart sank as I looked over both of their shoulders to find Aria struggling to keep herself upright, her face ashen, her eyes void of any and all recognition of who or what was around her.
An incomparable whirl of emotions rushed through me as I tried to find my voice. She was muttering inaudible words under her breath, her eyes looking around in a dazed, aimless way that made a wave of unease rise in my gut.
Bones got his hands on her shoulders as she tried over and over again to get her hands on the wall to stand up. There was nothing frantic in her — it truly seemed as though she was lost in some kind of haze or fog, attempting to right herself and get … somewhere.
"Aria, it's Bones. Aria, can you hear me? Are you alright? What's going on?"
In response, her eyes move around randomly, past Bones, past the cadet, and past myself as she continued to try and get herself upright, stumbling in the process.
"How long have you been here with her, cadet?"
"Just a few minutes, doctor. She just happened to catch my eye as I was walking past in the other corridor. I was just going to page med bay when you and … Oh! Captain, I didn't see you."
Ignoring the cadet's sudden wide-eye shock and flustering at my presence, I walked around both of the kneeling men to Aria's other side, ready to put my arm under hers to help guide her up and out of the hallway. It was easy, at least in the moment, to shove down any rising emotion and shift into efficient captain mode. Get her out of the open to somewhere more private where Bones could assess her and try to figure out what the hell was going on.
"Grab her other arm, Bones, and let's get her down to med bay."
The doctor was quick to follow my lead. As we made an effort to lift her onto her feet as gently as we could, the cadet who'd found her backed away, giving us space to start down the hallway towards the elevator.
"Thank you for your help, cadet. It's greatly appreciated. We'll take it from here."
"Of course, captain. I hope she's alright."
I offered the cadet a quick nod before working in tandem with Bones to get Aria up and off the floor. Shouldering her bodyweight, we made quick work of getting her down the long corridor and into the elevator that was mercifully available and ready to take us down to med bay.
As I pressed the correct level on the touchscreen and started to adjust Aria's bodyweight as the doors closed, all hell broke loose.
Aria was suddenly thrashing free of both mine and Bones' grip, letting out screams and shouts as she pounded on the doors as hard as she could while also trying to pull them apart with her fingertips.
Bones made a futile effort to get through to her, talking to her gently while placing his hands on her shoulders to try and ground her in reality. It was useless. She only thrashed harder at his touch, at the sound of his voice. Instinct took over before I even knew what I had planned. I hit the stop button on the touchscreen before gesturing to Bones to take a step back, out of the way and into the corner of the small elevator.
With a quick breath in, I moved in front of Aria's frantic fists and got between her desperate attempts at escape and the closed doors. I let her panicked blows hit my chest and arms as I made an effort to get my hands to her face. Each blow was painful — she was incredibly strong, especially in her desperate panic to escape.
Cupping her cheeks in my hands, I was able to direct her eyesight to mine and away from the closed doors. Her panic subsided as I finally managed to get her focus on me, and away from whatever was gnawing away at her insides.
"It's alright, Aria. It's okay. I'm here. You're okay. You're safe. You're with me."
Her skin was clammy and covered in beads of sweat. There was a desperation in her eyes that I had never seen before. Her chest heaved as she struggled to lower her heart rate. Within a few seconds of making eye contact, her fists came to rest in stillness on my chest and her screams quieted, leaving the chorus of our heavy breathing the only sound in the elevator.
For a fleeting moment, clarity filled her eyes, and I knew in that moment, she saw me. For the first time since we'd come upon her in the hallway, she truly saw me. But just as soon as it had crossed her eyes, it was gone. As my thumbs were making small, gentle strokes under her eyes, she fell forward into my chest. I quickly wrapped my arms around her before she could hit the ground.
As I held her in my arms, I leaned forward and pressed on the touchscreen to resume our descent to med bay. With one hand on her head smoothing over her hair as she struggled to regain her normal breathing pattern and the other arm around her waist, I finally glanced over at Bones.
His lips were pursed tight as our eyes met. With that look, I wanted to unload everything. The stress of the day, the fear of what was going on with Aria, the anger at all the uncertainty coursing through my brain and heart. Understanding and sadness crossed his features as the doors to the elevator slid open to the dimmed lights and sterile smell of med bay.
I quickly scooped her up, carrying her in my arms as I followed Bones to a private room at the back of the bay. He flicked on the lights just as I set Aria down on the exam table. She was slowly starting to become more coherent — she had a hand lifted to her temples, and was able to sit upright as she gripped the edge of the table for support.
My jaw clenched as I took her in. Wrinkles creased her uniform, and her once tidy ponytail was now disheveled from the scenes in the hallway and elevator. Just this morning I had left her curled up in my bed, still clad in my shirt from the night before. I'd placed a kiss on her cheek before reporting to the bridge early due to the sudden request from command that had come in the early hours of the morning.
I'd pressed her uniform, set out a small plate of breakfast foods and brewed coffee before I left, making sure she'd have something to smile about after waking up to find me gone. I even left a handwritten note tucked under the empty coffee mug I'd left out for her: "Eat up, have a good day, find me here tonight. Captain's orders."
The bittersweet silence of my quarters felt centuries away as I stood looking on at her disheveled form. With a deep, settling breath in and out of parted lips, I wanted nothing more than to sit down next to her and match her posture exactly. But Bones, after having rifled through a few cabinets and drawers to gather whatever tools he'd need for an examination, came to stand next to her as she began to lift out of whatever stupor she'd fallen into.
"Aria? Are you alright?" The tone of his voice was soft, tinged with genuine concern and firmness that had become so familiar to me.
She kept massaging her temples fiercely with one hand as her breathing slowed, getting closer to normal with each second that passed in the stillness of the small room. It took everything within my power to stay planted across the room, just a few feet away from where she sat, suddenly so small and feeble. At odds with everything I'd come to know about her. Pain shot through me as I thought of the display she'd put on training me yesterday. What a difference a day can make.
With a steadying breath, her quiet, shaking voice wove into the silence of the room. It put me at ease, finally hearing her voice come through after what had just happened, while simultaneously making my heart race with anticipation of what words might come out of her mouth next. I wanted to know, needed to know, just like Bones did, but was horrified about what might happen after they settled into the air around us all.
"I'm okay. I just, these splitting headaches come out of nowhere, and I … I was trying to get back to my room like I usually do, but this one was different."
One sentence, and I already had dozens of questions burning through my mind. One. Start with one.
"Like you usually do?"
I watched as she drew in another deep breath, her back rising and falling, her hand still covering her face as she continued rubbing her temples. Small shakes wracked her fingers and body, and it took every ounce of self control I had to keep myself where I stood instead of walking over to her, kneeling in front of her and taking her hands in mine to help bring her into stillness, into calmness.
Bones saved her from having to explain something she'd probably explained to him time and time again.
"Ever since the incident, she's been experiencing varying levels of post-traumatic stress disorder. Flashbacks, insomnia, nothing entirely out of the usual besides the severe recurring headaches."
"Why is this the first I'm hearing of this?"
The piercing half glare, half disappointed look Bones shot my way made me instantly regret asking the inane question.
"I've sent the reports directly back to command, as they requested. And I can easily think of more than one occasion where I attempted to express —"
"I know, I know, I'm sorry I asked. I know why. But with the severity of these symptoms … why have I ever noticed any of this when I'm with you?"
It was then her hand dropped from her face for the first time since they'd all been in the exam room together. Weariness tugged at her eyes that were tinged red, swollen from tears that she'd shed in the elevator and the hallway. She wasn't quite herself yet. The usual glow that lit up her features, accenting each beautiful curve and shape perfectly was gone. In its wake was something heavier, something that made her tired and resigned to defeat. Something haunted her face, casting it in shadows.
"It never happens when I'm with you."
What little semblance was left of my captain facade that remained from the hellish day I'd had so far fell away as she uttered words that completely undid something deep within my chest. It took just a step to reach where she sat, so dejected and beaten down. I took her hands in mine, wrapping her cold, shaking fingers in the warmth of my grasp as I kept my gaze locked on hers.
"I am so unbelievably sorry for not knowing, for not asking, for not finding out. I had no idea, Aria. There's no excuse. None."
A weak, small smile tugged at the corner of her lips as she looked up at me with those dimmed golden eyes that were void of their usual brilliant luster. Before she had a chance to speak again, Bones chimed in as he rustled whatever items he'd gathered when they'd first entered the room.
"Let's not dwell on the past, shall we? We've got bigger problems at hand. For starters, these headaches have been increasing in frequency instead of decreasing, as they should with appropriate therapies and the passing of time. Their intensity should also be waning, which is very clearly not the case. And I take it what happened in the elevator was a flashback?"
Bones pushed past me as he spoke, beginning the process of recording her vitals. I dropped one of her hands as he started taking various readings, settling for holding one of her hands in mine as she willingly subjected herself to the routine process.
"I'm not sure. This time, this … episode was completely different than anything I've felt or gone through before. I was just heading to grab something to eat for lunch when pain started shooting through my head. Usually I can make it back to my room and lay down before it gets too bad, but this time it crippled me in the hallway. I couldn't think, I couldn't move. All I remember is the pain."
Both Bones and I were silent as she paused. He busied himself with jotting notes and readings into his tablet while I gently stroked the back of her hand as she recalled what had happened. Her eyes were downcast, slowly moving around as she no doubt replayed everything back in her mind.
"I don't remember having any specific memories resurface in the elevator, just the feelings. No images or anything like that. I just felt the intensity of the feelings overwhelm me. They were worse than the physical pain in my head."
Bones lowered the tablet and looked at Aria with furrowed brows, a concerned expression spread across his face.
"What kind of feelings?"
I saw Aria swallow hard as her eyes moved from absently roaming around spots on the floor to her hand that I held in front of me.
"Feelings of being lost, being trapped, of danger, of fear, of desperation. I've never felt anything that intensely before in my life. It felt like my chest was going to explode from the power of it."
Her voice started to waver, and I could see that reliving it was overwhelming her all over again. I gave her hand a gentle squeeze to try and remind her that it was over now, that I was here, and that both Bones and I would work tirelessly to make whatever was plaguing her better.
"Well, your vitals are all normal as of right now, just as they have been after your other episodes that I've been able to document. The best I can do is recommend taking the standard pain relief I gave you when you feel the headaches coming on, and getting plenty of rest. As much as I'd like to provide the captain here as a treatment, I don't think you two could get away with being attached at the hip all day. Although command seems to think they've come up with some kind of solution."
My head swung up, brows drawing together in confusion. Aria and I both turned our gazes to Bones as he stood with his arms crossed against his chest, unease tugging at his features.
"What do you mean?"
He sighed and shook his head as he looked between the two of us.
"It's what I wanted to talk to you about before we came across Aria in the hallway. I suppose now that I've got you both here, I might as well clue you both in on the bizarre damnl request I got from command this morning."
Dread filled every fiber of my being at his words. Leaving my quarters this morning had been the worst choice I'd made today. Every meeting, every interaction, every new piece of information did nothing but fill me with more stress, more tension, more anxiety. My gaze on him hardened as I gave Aria's hand another reassuring squeeze, even though this day and this entire mission had done nothing but make me feel uncertain and wary.
"What kind of request, Bones?"
"Per their orders, I've been sending status reports on Aria ever since we departed Yorktown. That includes reports on these episodes she's been having. I haven't heard a word back from them about anything, that is until this morning. I received an order to put Aria on a prescription that they've deemed as necessary to help her with her episodes. The thing is, they won't tell me what kind of prescription it is. I can't even analyze the damn pills to figure out what's in them. The contents are unknown."
Silence fell on the three of us as the information sank in. The wheels in my brain were spinning as I tried to find some kind of reasonable explanation as to why command was getting so involved in a medical issue with a cadet.
"Jim, in all my training and years serving Starfleet and the Federation, I have never heard of medications being prescribed by anyone outside of someone's medical officer. This is an order, Jim, which means they don't want me to ask questions. They just want me to do it. And you know for damn sure that isn't something I'm going to do."
It was my turn to rub my temples with my free hand. How in the hell did this day keep spiraling further and further out of control, out of the realm of any kind of normalcy and into complete and utter overwhelming strangeness?
"They didn't tell you anything about what's in them? About what exactly they're supposed to do for her?"
"No. They gave me the prescription that they claimed would help her manage these episodes. I located it in our stores here in med bay in a bottle that I could only identify by a serial number they provided me, and when I tried to run it through our analysis program, it came up as unknown. I don't have the slightest clue what's in those pills, or what effect they'll have on Aria."
I ran a hand through my hair as a deep sigh escaped through my lips. Resigning had never sounded so good. Dispelling the thought as quickly as it had popped into my head, I slid back into captain mode and did my best to keep a brave face for Aria's sake. Now wasn't the time to express and unload just how I was really feeling about everything command had done today and on this mission.
Settling my gaze on Aria, I dropped her hand and instead placed it on her shoulder, giving it a squeeze and caress before looking in her eyes and speaking in the most calm, even tone I could muster, even though it was entirely at odds with the red-hot frustration rising up inside of me.
"Neither myself or Bones is going to make you take that prescription. That is not an option. The only person who can make that decision is you."
She nodded slowly as relief and thankfulness flooded her eyes.
"I don't want to take them. Not now, anyways. I guess if things keep getting worse, well, they're always an option, right?"
Bones was quick to reassure her. "Of course. If you decide you want to give them a try, they'll be here for you."
She nodded, offering Bones a small smile of gratitude as her shoulders fell a little with the release of some of her tension.
"Let me worry about dealing with command if they follow up with you, Bones. I'll think of some way to spin it to hopefully placate them without raising any suspicion that we're shirking their order. That being said, if they do take issue, they'll be here in a few days to express their displeasure in person."
It was my turn to face the puzzled and questioning looks of Aria and Bones. I pursed my lips, drew a deep breath in and out through my nose, and braced myself to share the information I'd received from command early this morning.
"I was informed by our beloved command this morning that they will be arriving to the Enterprise in two days time to conduct a disciplinary hearing for Aria after her bout with Spock. Oh, and they've ordered a reconnaissance mission be carried out on any hypothetical planet we may come across on our new, adjusted coordinates tomorrow."