"Hypothetical planet?"
"Disciplinary hearing?"
Bones and I spoke over each other as Jim looked on at us with weariness and raised brows, nodding at our obvious questions. His hand squeezed my shoulder gently again, sending small shivers down my arm at its strength and warmth.
Between the pulsing throbs still shooting through my temples, the heavy shame tugging at my chest for having no control over the episodes that took over my entire body and mind, and the dread pooling in my gut from the sound of the phrase "disciplinary hearing" … I was done. Beyond done. But I had posed the question nonetheless, and he was quick to give me an honest answer.
"I've talked my way out of enough academic and occupational trouble that you should have nothing to worry about. If anything it will amount to a slap on the wrist and a reminder that you're here under their good graces. We have other factors we can use to our advantage, plus the fact that you both were able to walk away from it. It's protocol, nothing more, nothing less. Please, please try not to worry about it, even though I know you will."
I continued to rub one of my temples with one hand as I gave him a few half-hearted nods in response. In what universe was I living that I thought this trip aboard the Enterprise would be full of hands-on learning, adventure and opportunity? So far all I'd managed was to barely keep afloat in a sea of endless studying, fight exhaustion from my demanding training schedule, struggle to deal with the trauma of my incident, and now face the repercussions of my brawl with a Starfleet officer.
Oh, and I was involved with the captain of the ship in a way that felt far past friendship, moving to something like a relationship — something that was seen as strictly taboo, and unbelievably complicated. Not to mention if word got out that we were involved with one another, people would be quick to assume I was sleeping my way through the academy and receiving special treatment on the Enterprise.
Nausea rolled through me, and I closed my eyes against the room and the lights of the ceiling. Jim gave my shoulder another squeeze, and the sound of his even, sure voice filled the air again.
"And yes, Bones, a hypothetical planet. Don't get me started on what that might mean. I didn't even get the chance to ask any follow up questions before command disconnected the meeting. I've already got a crew in mind for the potential reconnaissance, and you can bet your ass that includes you. So be sure you're ready tomorrow for — "
"Captain Kirk to the bridge, Captain Kirk to the bridge."
I didn't have to open my eyes to see Jim close his eyes after rolling them, take a deep breath in and out of his lips, and shove down the rising irritation at always being needed somewhere for something, whether he was ready to deal with whatever task, order or crisis that arose. He dealt with it well, whether he believed it himself or not. I envied him for it.
"To be honest, I'm shocked as hell it took them that long to page me. I'll have the official order sent out via coms later today, Bones — that is if I get a damn second to do anything outside of going to meeting after meeting after meeting."
"I don't like this, Jim. None of it. And it keeps getting stranger and stranger."
"I know, Bones. I know. Believe me when I tell you I'm doing my best. One day at a time, okay? Get your brave face on for potentially being beamed down tomorrow, buddy. I know how much you love it."
The doctor strung together a series of colorful swears under his breath as Jim no doubt gave him that cocky shit grin that either filled you with burning hot rage or, for me, weakened my knees in a way that made me feel silly — like a schoolgirl getting chased by the boy she liked.
Just as I was about to open my eyes to the room and face the reality of the situation again, Jim's hands rested lightly on my cheeks, and his lips pressed into mine. His thumbs grazed bruises and tender skin from Spock's fists as the kiss lingered on for a few long seconds, making my heart stutter over itself. When he pulled away, I opened my eyes to find the cool depths of his just inches away, a smirk playing at his tempting lips.
"Why don't you go get some rest in my quarters. Take a beat and don't worry about studying or training schedules. Take the rest of the day off. Captain's orders."
"Normally I would fight you on that, but it sounds too good to refuse."
"I'm sure you'll have no problem finding something to fight me on later."
With a wink and another quick kiss, he was standing up and reaching out to give Bones a pat on the shoulder.
"Captain Kirk to the bridge, Captain Kirk to the bridge."
"I hope to god you don't plan on giving me a similar goodbye, Captain."
"Something tells me I wouldn't like kissing that scowling mug of yours very much, Bones. I'll catch you on the bridge later for status reports, and you," he took a step back towards me to place yet another quick kiss on my lips before heading through the door. "I'll be grateful to see you later after this long damn day is over."
We both watched through the doorway as he made his way through the bay, greeting other crew members and cadets along the way.
"He sure is resilient, isn't he?"
"More like annoying if you ask me."
I turned to watch as Bones replaced tools back in the cabinets and drawers where he'd gathered them from just a handful of minutes ago. Or had it been longer? Everything seemed to blur together since I'd felt myself wavering and slipping into another episode in the hallway. Had that been an hour ago? Or fifteen minutes ago? Just the idea of trying to figure out a timeline made my head hurt with fresh pain.
"I don't know how he does it. Deals with everything so coolly, so easily."
"Jim's a cocky, stubborn, strong-willed son of a bitch. But don't let him fool you. Everything affects him more than you'd think. It's what makes him a damn good leader. You can never tell. He shoulders the world without so much as a wince."
I watched as Jim made his way into the elevator, turning to face the bay after pressing the floor to the bridge on the touchscreen. He winked and offered me a small wave with the wiggling of his fingers before his smirking face was out of sight behind the elevator doors. My brows furrowed as I considered what Bones had said.
"He does hide it well. Sometimes I forget he's the captain when he's so calm and collected about everything."
"That's what makes him tricky — you never know when to push, when to look past the facade and see how he's really doing."
We sat in comfortable silence for a few moments as Bones finished picking up, and then typed a few more notes into his tablet. Exhaustion rolled through me as I sat on the exam table. The quietness of med bay, the normalcy returning to my body, the oddly comforting presence of Bones and his perpetually grumpy face. Not nearly as nice as Jim's company, but I gladly took it over being alone in a hallway, succumbing to some unknown force that tried to take over every fiber of my being at the most random and unpredictable times.
Bones approached me with a concerned expression and furrowed brows, and as his mouth moved to speak, a question rolled off my lips.
"Do you think he's okay?"
Something in him shifted quickly as his mouth hung open. Whatever he was going to say was derailed by my sudden thought. He closed and opened his mouth a few times before pinning me down with a look that I'd never gotten from him before. It was intensely critical, and a little scary with how serious his features became.
"Sometimes I think he is, but the truth is ... I truly have no idea. I want him to be. For my sake, for everyone's sake. But I don't know. I really don't."
The weight of his honest words pressed down on me, adding to the heaviness I already felt from my embarrassing, unexplained headache that overcame me in the hallway. I was about to press him further when suddenly his hand was on my elbow. He was tugging me off the exam table, his furrowed brows now baring down on me in that doctorly way of his.
"That's enough questions. I'm going to help you back to Jim's quarters, since that was on his order. You do need the rest, and it'll be about a thousand times more comfortable than that damn closet you call a room."
As words of defense shot up my throat about my room actually being quite comfortable and Jim not truly being able to order me where to go and what to do, his look intensified, and all of my protesting died on the tip of my tongue.
"You said it yourself. These episodes don't happen when you're around Jim. I don't understand it, but as a doctor with no other solutions, I'll take anything that seems to work."
"Okay, okay, I'll go. But for the record, neither you or Jim can order me around. I mean it."
"Yes, yes, cadet. Now let's get you out of here and lying down before the healing power of Jim's presence wears off."
I could tell that he was half kidding, half serious. We both knew that for whatever reason, Jim kept the episodes at bay. They simply never occurred when he was around. Even the thought of just being back in his quarters caused a wave of calm comfort to wash over me. He seemed to be some kind of antidote to whatever chaos my own brain was trying to wreak on my body.
The walk to the captain's quarters was relatively quick and thankfully uneventful. It was just a short ride in the elevator, an easy walk down a few hallways, and then into the familiar minimalist and modern design of Jim's living space.
"You'll page me if you need anything, okay? If you start to feel another one coming on or something doesn't feel right, let me know."
"You got it, mother hen."
I wasn't sure if it was just how purely exhausted I felt now after the episode and morning of training, or the annoying nagging headache still pounding through my skull, but I was definitely dishing out to Bones more than he deserved.
"Ha ha. Glad to see being around Jim is improving your comedic skill. Lay down and get some rest. You look like hell."
"Such a nice thing to say to a lady before leaving her alone in her own misery." It was more half grumbled to myself than directed at Bones, but he heard it nonetheless, and with a small smile, he was off and out the door, the soft mechanical swoosh the last sound to hit my ears before the silence of Jim's quarters sank into my skull.
Looking around the room, I settled for traveling the least amount of distance to get horizontal and comfortable as quickly as possible. I was tired. I was hungry. I was thirsty. I was confused. I was frustrated. I was grateful. It was too much for me to try and figure out what I could tackle or process. So I picked the easiest one. Sleep.
Grabbing a pillow, which somehow looked as uncomfortable and sterile as the couch it sat on, I found a spot in the middle where I could lay down and fully extend my legs in an effort to be as cozy as I could on the stiff couch. As I adjusted my head on the disappointingly flat pillow, I managed to kick off my boots and felt instantly more relaxed as I brought my feet up onto the couch and curled into as comfortable of a position as I could manage.
One moment I was taking a deep breath in and out, my eyes heavy as I took in the perpetually neat and orderly appearance of Jim's living space. In the next, my eyelids were closed as I drew in deep breath after deep breath, trying to erase the chaos of what had just transpired. All the questions, all the concerns, all the weight lifted away and off of me as I fell into deep, peaceful sleep in the soothing silence of the room that was starting to be the only place I wanted to be.