What unfolded before my eyes was surreal. Unbelievable. Everywhere I looked there was another marvel my brain struggled to comprehend. There was bright blue ice all around us, interspersed with a vast array of different tropical flora. Towering trees that looked like the palms that surrounded the academy back on Earth soared into the sky, while the variety of sweet fragrances from the flowers that created a rainbow of color around us brought a smile to my lips.
Everything existed together in perfect contrast. The coolness emitted from the ice was offset by the fairly humid air — how the ice stayed formed and didn't melt was beyond me, an unknown science that I didn't understand. The ground was spongy and soft beneath my feet, a combination of squishy green moss and dark-colored sand. Unseen birds called to one another from the depths of the thick tropical foliage. It was beautiful. Two climates and environments that were usually completely at odds with one another, unable to coexist, thriving together on the same planet. Impossible, yet occurring right before my very eyes.
At some point I had stepped away from Jim and unknowingly made my way towards where the rest of the landing party had gathered. They stood in a group between two towering ice cliffs that formed a gorge where water might have flowed through at some point in time. I watched as they all looked up and around, some walking backwards as they took in the enormous cliff faces that were spotted with the vibrant greens of plants and pops of color from blooming flowers.
Nearing where the officers and cadets stood, I noticed that the air around me had some kind of small, almost impossible to perceive particles floating around in it. I reached my hand out and attempted to touch them as they sparkled in the bright light coming from the sky. They dispelled as I wiggled my fingertips towards them, fading into nothing and then reappearing once I returned my hand to my side. What was this place?
I turned my head over my shoulder to see where Jim was as I neared the group. He was just a few paces behind me, looking up and around like everyone else, awe spread across his face with the same small smile that matched the one playing at my own lips. He caught my gaze as I took him in, and I found his eyes were alight with the glow that had drawn me to him that night at the Fueling Hole so many months ago. It made a surge of adrenaline hit my chest as the realization hit me that I was finally getting to experience what I'd been dreaming about for years. Adventure. Discovery. The new and unknown.
"Do you know anything about this place?", I asked as I continued to slowly approach the uniformed group who were now chatting about something amongst themselves. I had returned to craning my neck to look up at the cliff faces, marveling at how effortlessly the plants and flowers thrived nestled in the cold cracks and crevices of ice.
"Not a thing. Command seemed to be clued in to a planet being out here, since they were keen on me keeping an eye out for anything inhabitable where a landing party could be deployed."
It dawned on me that I wasn't privy to the same formal order through coms that everyone else on the trip had received. "And what exactly are we here to do?"
We stopped just short of where everyone was gathered. Jim stood by my side, still looking up and around us as I gazed at him.
"We are here to document the environment, inhabitants, if any, take note of resources, any oddities, and we are here to see if it would be an appropriate location for an outpost." He turned to look down at me as he finished speaking, the glow of adventure still lining his features.
"And how do we execute that list of objectives, captain?"
His signature smirk appeared at the corner of his lips, and I fought to keep my face neutral, resisting the urge to give him a smile of my own in return.
"We walk, cadet."
To call what we did "walking" felt like the universe's largest insult and joke. We walked. And kept walking. And walked some more. Usually I loved walking. It gave me peace of mind, allowed me to move my body and gain clarity by simply getting myself from point A to point B with my own two feet. As it turned out, after weeks of being aboard the Enterprise where the only walking I did was to a few different parts of the ship during the day, or to try and hunt down an elusive sweet treat from the cafeteria, my feet were not ready to hike what felt like the entire surface area of this new, bewildering planet.
At first, the scenery was enough to keep my mind off of the dull ache that started to throb in my feet after the first few miles. I took in the ever-shifting landscape that effortlessly changed from the ice gorge where we started out into a sweeping valley, then to the miles and miles of open plains we crossed. By the time we'd reached the edge of the expansive open landscape and gently rolling hills and were met with a thick and towering jungle of dense green, I was done.
Pulsing, burning blisters from my ill-fitting boots — horribly inappropriate for an entire cross-planet hike — screamed with every step. Exhaustion had crept into every corner of my body as we made our way further into the dense tropical forest. I blinked my eyes against the new dimness that surrounded us, the sun now blotted out by the canopy of trees looming high above us as we made our way through the underbrush in a single-file line.
We had taken various moments to pause on our all-day journey. Spock stopped to take notes and recordings as needed, as well as Bones and Jim. The three other cadets and myself helped as needed — whether it be taking samples, jotting down notes while the officers prattled off what they wanted to document, or fielding quiz-like questions in an effort to connect our learnings to this incredible hands-on experience.
None of those moments had been longer than a few minutes, meaning my feet had not had any real rest since I had slept last night. And I wouldn't exactly call the fitful tossing and turning I'd done for a handful of hours restful . As I tried to keep a grip on my own sanity as we trudged along, mostly in silence outside of a few small chats and questions here and there, my mind ended up wandering to moments and feelings I would've liked to have avoided until I was alone.
Instead, I found the unexpectedly explosive conversation I'd had with Jim last night playing through my mind on repeat. I kept experiencing a merciless loop of every word I'd spit at him. The heat of my anger and the intensity of my own frustration had dwindled into cold indifference when I'd given up on trying to sleep early this morning. Sure, the fact remained that I was overwhelmed with a list of things that seemed to grow longer with each passing day aboard the Enterprise. The vague and confusing nature of this mission, Jim's inability to admit his innermost feelings and face them, the incident, my unknown blood type, and the implications everything had on what exactly Starfleet wanted with me.
Verbally attacking Jim may not have been the correct way to vent those frustrations, but he was truly the only outlet I had for getting any of my thoughts and feelings off of my chest. Maybe next time, that is if there was a next time, I could make an attempt at having a civil, polite conversation about the things that were plaguing me. Some of the last words I'd slung at Jim had been brutal, below the belt. He had every right to be upset, and I wouldn't be shocked if he wasn't interested in having another meaningful conversation with me.
But out here, far away from the confines of the Enterprise and its claustrophobic halls, I felt lighter. I felt better. Breathing in fresh air, taking in new sights, moving my body mile after grueling mile … While it made me want to lay down and take a two-day long nap, it was surprisingly beneficial in clearing the fog that had settled over me while I had been aboard the ship.
The immense weight of the pressures of being a cadet who also happened to be of an unknown race, who was let aboard the ship under special circumstances, who was prescribed mystery medication by command, and who was now carrying on some sort of relationship with the captain fell away, and I felt damn near weightless. Being so far from the giant hunk of metal and glass that was making its way through space just as aimlessly as I was making my way through my own life was giving me a chance to calm down and reset in a way I didn't know I needed.
While my body was physically exhausted, my mind felt refreshed and settled. The possibility of me not passing out immediately when we stopped seemed highly unlikely, as well as being able to get the captain alone to have a candid conversation about what had happened between us last night. I wanted to take advantage of the clarity I felt, and if that meant fighting through the immense need to sleep and rest my blistered feet, I would do it. Trying to covertly corner Jim by himself would be another challenge entirely, but I would try. Being out on this planet, away from the constant duties and responsibilities that plagued us both on the ship felt like an opportunity that was too good to be true.
"There appears to be some kind of small structure ahead, captain. All crew members should proceed with caution, as there is still a possibility that we could encounter inhabitants of this planet."
The sudden sound of the Vulcan's voice crashed through the blissful silence that had surrounded us as we made our way through the heavy foliage of the jungle-like forest. Only the crunch of plants under our boots and unique chirps of different birds could be heard until Spock had spoken. The crew members in front of me started to slow as we all looked to see what exactly he'd spotted in the thick, green undergrowth.
I'd taken up a spot at the back of the line as we'd entered the forest — Spock had gone in first, insisting his keen eyesight would prove useful at the front. One of the other cadets fell in behind the Vulcan, followed by Jim, the two other cadets, then Bones and myself taking up the absolute last positions in line. I intentionally sought to distance myself as far from Jim as possible throughout the day. It had helped my mind stay focused on myself, internally, rather than being concerned with what the captain was doing, and how he looked doing it.
"We'll proceed slowly — everyone keep their eyes peeled for any movement or signs of recent habitation."
It was as Jim called out over his shoulder that my eyes puzzled over patches of dark brown peeking through green leaves. The shade of brown matched the trunks of the towering trees that surrounded us, but the way the pattern coalesced through the tangles of green created too much of a shape to be a smattering of tree trunks. It was the building Spock had spotted, nestled in overgrowth and trees, making it was barely visible from where we stood.
Only the sound of old, dead branches and dry leaves crunching under our feet met our ears as we neared the structure. I hoped beyond hope that it was at least inhabitable for the night — the thought of trying to sleep nestled into the undergrowth by one of the rock faces that lined the western edge of the forest, as Spock had suggested as the sun had begun its descent, filled me with unease. Thinking about whatever bugs, creatures, or other inhabitants we had yet to discover coming upon us while we slept made my chest tighten with anxiety. I wanted nothing more than this building to be empty, free of bugs and creatures and people who might prevent us from peacefully settling down for the night.
The tension in my chest eased as we neared the outer edge of the building. There were no signs of any occupants so far. The windows and outer walls of the structure were covered in trailing plants that had clearly claimed it as their home for quite some time now, based on their thickness and quantity. All the growth around it was undisturbed. No signs of fresh breakage, indicating that someone or something had made its way inside recently. No sounds met our ears as we paused before the only entrance — a heavy looking wood door with a tarnished metal handle.
Jim approached carefully, looking around and taking in every small detail of the building as he reached out to try the door. The group was silent as we all waited in anticipation of something, or someone, to make itself known. Nothing stirred as he grasped the handle and attempted to open the door. With his first few attempts, it didn't budge. We all watched as he took a moment to position his shoulder against the weathered wood. He placed his other hand just above the handle, and tried again to gain entry into our one chance of reliable shelter.
Nothing but dust stirred as he pushed his entire body weight into the unyielding door. Bones stepped forward from beside me, no doubt getting ready to make a remark or quip about Jim's failed attempts, when with a loud bang, the door came free. Jim had stepped a few feet away and used some momentum to drive his shoulder into the unforgiving wood, finally forcing it open after who knows how many years of disuse.
A plume of dust rose from inside the dark entryway, distorting Jim as he stepped inside, his hand wafting the musty air away from his face with a few coughs. The rest of the group started to file in behind him to see what exactly the small building contained. Just as I was about to follow Bones through the doorway, he paused, stopping to take one of his hands and brush away some of the tangled vines coating the exterior. My brows drew together as I watched him pull a mixture of both dead and green plant matter away from the dark brown wood planks.
The outline of a shape began to appear, and as he pulled more tangled masses of vines away, my eyes widened at what he revealed was carved into the weathered wood. My jaw dropped as he finished tugging away the last of the vines. He took a step back to stand next to me, his arms folding across his chest as we both took in the freshly revealed sight before us.
"How in the hell did you notice that?"
"Why in the hell is there a Starfleet insignia on a building that's on a planet Starfleet claims to have never been to before?"
Only the muffled sounds of chatter and furniture scraping around from inside the building filled the air between us as we both stood in shocked silence. Dread surged up inside of me as I took in each and every intricate and precise detail of the insignia. This was not some half-assed attempt to make it look like Starfleet had been here. This was a formal, intentional designation on a building that would have had to have been some sort of remote outpost at the very least.
As I was slowly connecting the dots in my mind and trying to come to terms with what this new information might implicate, Bones huffed a sigh and shook his head before taking a step towards the doorway to join the rest of the group as he muttered under his breath, "No, couldn't just have stayed back and been a doctor on a damn ship doing his damn job. No, let's drag him out to some godforsaken planet to deduce a mystery …"
I let out a brief sigh of frustration laced with nervousness through parted lips before following Bones into the darkness of the building. With a few quick blinks, my eyes slowly adjusted to the dim interior. I couldn't help but squint from all the dust that was kicked up into the air from people walking around and moving furniture as they explored the small space. The place was eerily intact. It was a simple one room cabin, equipped with what looked to be a very small, minimalist kitchen in the far left corner, a square table with four chairs to my immediate left, and a worn couch along with a a handful of cots to the right. A desk stood on the far wall straight across from the doorway, where Jim was paging through some kind of book as Spock looked on over his shoulder.
Wariness shot through my gut as I took a few steps toward where the two officers stood. I watched as Jim's thumbing through pages came to a stop, his head hung down over the book as he read whatever was on the page.
"This can't be right. How can this be possible?"
The rest of the group paused as the captain's distraught voice broke through the chatter and noise of everyone's movements filling the musty air.
Spock looked on over Jim's shoulder, his face blank and unreadable as usual. "The existence of Starfleet logs on a remote planet that has not yet been discovered or explored is highly illogical. Perhaps these have been misplaced, brought here by —"
"Yeah, that would be a fine tale to tell, except for the fact that there's a damn Starfleet insignia carved into the side of the damn building." The sudden volume of Bones' frustrated, anger-laced tone cut through the small cabin like a knife. Everyone looked at the doctor, including both Jim and Spock who turned away from the open log book on the desk to face the center of the room where Bones stood.
"There's what carved into the side of the building?" Jim's face grew ashen as his eyes rested on Bones, disbelief painted across his features.
"Starfleet insignia, captain. This had to be some kind of outpost. Lost to the sands of time and forgotten to all knowledge and history of Starfleet. Unlikely, but maybe. That stack of logs on the desk and the fact this is the only type of structure we've come across after miles and miles of walking point to this being a conveniently unmentioned part of this excursion."
Spock was quick to interject after Bones had finished speaking, the doctor's brows furrowed even more than usual to give his face a look that was the epitome of annoyance and frustration. "It is unwise to insinuate that the knowledge of this potential outpost was intentionally excluded by command, doctor. While the circumstances of this excursion and discovery are certainly peculiar, it would be wise to continue observing and documenting all the necessary information to present to command upon our return."
"That is if we return — I'm beginning to think that with every new, vague order or detail that emerges from this mission we're all getting one step closer to being completely and utterly fuc —"
"That's enough, doctor. That's an order." Jim's ashen pallor had transformed into a cold, steely demeanor. His voice had lost the quiet shock from before, and was now full of the firm authority he usually wielded as captain. "We will document what we see, and how that information is presented to command when we report back about this excursion will be my decision."
"Captain, I implore you to consider being entirely transparent when — "
"There will be no further discussion on the matter for the remainder of this excursion. Is that clear, commander Spock?" The Vulcan opened his mouth to provide a retort, but I watched as he decided against it and instead set his lips in a hard line while offering the captain a single nod of acknowledgement and understanding. The room was full of silent nods as Jim looked around, taking in the crew as we all offered him the promise of subordination the rest of our time off ship.
"With that, we'll be spending the night here. Spock, take the cadets with you and conduct a survey of the immediate area around the cabin. Bones and I will tidy things up here, as well as look for any more information that may be helpful to document for command. Dismissed."
As tempted as I was to argue about having to go out and walk more, I resisted the urge as I observed the look on Jim's face. Tired, defeated and thoroughly annoyed — a look I was getting to used to seeing this this mission had began. I lingered as the rest of the crew departed behind Spock, leaving me alone with just Bones and Jim. Bones had wasted no time busing himself with straightening out furniture and looking through cabinets and drawers, muttering to himself under his breath not-so quietly as he did so.
The thought crossed my mind to walk over and offer Jim what small bit of comfort and understanding that I could. I could simply take his hand in mine for just a moment, or even rest my hand on his shoulder to let him know that I understood that the constant stream of revelations about this excursion, and even the mission as a whole, were unbelievably frustrating, concerning and suspicious.
But just as I was about to cross the room, Jim looked up from the Starfleet logs on the desk and met my gaze. Any nerve I had managed to gather was lost as soon as his eyes met mine. Every thought I had been dwelling on during the day about my verbal explosion at him last night rose to the surface. All the things I wanted to say to him about it, to explain to him, to apologize and try to move forward, hopefully, in a constructive conversation that would leave us both in a state of understanding were pushing at the tip of my tongue.
Now, in this single-room cabin with Bones muttering around grumpily in the corner, was not the time for me to spill my guts and every thought I'd had in my brain today. Something flashed in his eyes as I stared back at him — whether it was understanding for now not being the time or the place, or he was mirroring the same longing I had to bring him the slightest bit of comfort, I couldn't be sure. All I could manage was to offer him a halfhearted smile before turning around and heading out the door to follow Spock and the rest of the cadets.
I wanted to glance over my shoulder to see if the same pain that crossed my own face had crossed his, too. Instead I kept walking, much to the dismay of my poor, blistered feet, to catch up to where I could see Spock and the cadets traipsing their way through the undergrowth that surrounded the cabin. Why had I thought that this excursion might prove to be less complicated than being back on the ship? Different, beautiful scenery, fresh air, the exhilaration of moving and walking, the thrill of feeling like I was finally a part of something... Yet complications still plagued this mission that became more unclear and inherently dangerous with each unknown part and half truth that fell into Jim's lap.
There was not going to be a better time to talk with Jim than now, on this planet, away from the ship and the additional complications that added to him and I barely managing to simply function normally on a daily basis. I fell in line behind one of the other cadets and took up the role of looking around, seeing if there was anything noteworthy surrounding the mysterious Starfleet outpost placed in the middle of a forest on a planet that Starfeet claimed they'd never explored before.
For now, I'd have to find it in myself to stay awake and functioning when the time finally came to sit down and rest for the night. I'd have to pull myself together, blistered feet and all, and find — or make — an opportunity to speak my mind to Jim, and hopefully get a constructive piece of his back in return. In the meantime, I turned my attention to critically observing every piece of green foliage that surrounded us, desperate to keep myself distracted until the descending darkness gave us the queue to head back for the evening. I longed for the day when anticipation and dread weren't constantly at war in my gut. A futile dream, but one I would keep chasing if it meant knowing some kind of peace while attempting to navigate this problematic mission.