Chapter 6 – Confessions
Author's Note: In which Anidala have a moment, and Anakin turns a horrifying truth. ;)
~ Amina Gila
"What did –" Anakin sucks in a breath. "What did you want to talk to me about?" He feels… fragile almost; he's this close to shattering into a million pieces. He had known, of course, that it would hurt when the illusion of having someone who could protect him would end, but not – not like this. He didn't think it would be like this. To have Custos so close only to have him ripped away less than a day later is more than he can bear. He feels like he's lost, floundering, with no one to pull him back.
"I know you're struggling, Ani," Padme tells him softly reaching up to touch his face. He leans into her hand, slipping an arm around her waist and hugging her. "You can tell me how you're feeling." He can trust her, he knows that. He just doesn't know if he can bring himself to tell her this without falling apart. He – he needs to be strong for Ani right now. Force knows that child has suffered more than enough, and he needs someone who can watch over him.
"You know how I feel about Obi-Wan," he says finally, voice wavering. "It's – I've always struggled, but I thought – I thought I could ignore it. I – And then I saw Custos and Ani and how they treated each other." He exhales shakily, blinking away the tears in his eyes.
"Custos is Ani's father, and they're not ashamed of it," Padme understands, winding her arms around his waist and resting her head on his chest. "I'm sorry, Ani." She means it. He can feel her sincerity and regret through the Force. "If I could help you with that, I would. Don't take this wrong," she adds, almost hesitantly, "But sometimes – sometimes you really remind me of how young you are." Anakin gets the feeling that she was going to word it differently, but decided against it, for whatever reason. "There's nothing wrong with how you feel, so don't let anyone tell you otherwise." She leans up to kiss him lightly, raising her hand to wipe away the tears which have escaped.
He doesn't deserve her. He doesn't deserve to have her, with all of her compassion and understanding. He also doesn't really understand what she means. Maybe it's better that way. "Is it – is it strange that – that I want to be able to treat him like that? That I –" His voice breaks, and he can't bring himself to finish. That I want to claim him as my father.
They're in Padme's office, and she nudges him to sit on the large chair at her desk. He obliges, and she straddles his legs, facing him. "He grew up a Jedi, so he never had parents," Padme replies. "You had your mother. You knew what it was like. It's only natural for you to want it, even after so many years." She runs her fingers through his hair, wrapping him in her arms, a silent promise of safety and security and love.
He lets out a breath, burying his face in her shoulder, slipping his arms around her waist to hold her against him. He wishes so badly that it didn't have to be this hard, that it could be easier for him for once, that he could confess everything that's tormenting him to Obi-Wan, to the only person who can take this pain away. Maybe he can't do that, but he can – hopefully – see Custos, even if he's in prison. He can ask Obi-Wan if he can get a pass to see the Sith. Custos hasn't hurt anyone and seeing him might grant Anakin a sense of calm which will allow him to keep functioning, at least until he's able to give Custos his freedom.
After a few minutes, Anakin lifts his head, looking up at his Angel's face. Her eyes are filled with both worry and affection. He doesn't like stressing her, especially about matters which pertain to him, because he knows how busy she is with her Senate work. Still, in this situation, he didn't know who else to turn to. Wiping the lingering wetness from his cheeks, Anakin straightens. "I should go back to Ani and take him to see if the Chancellor can help us," he informs Padme. "If you want Ahsoka to stay with you for a bit, she can."
"No, that's alright," Padme assures him, slipping off his lap and standing. He rises as well, already mentally half-way out the door. He's jerked back to the present when Padme leans up to kiss him again, and this time, he responds. They don't let it drag out for too long, well aware of who is waiting next door.
"I'll have to stay with Ani tonight," Anakin tells her, a bit apologetically. He misses being able to hold Padme, to watch her sleep next to him so trustingly. He misses her presence, but the recent, unexpected change means that they'll have to be apart for longer.
"It's okay," Padme assures him, lacing their fingers together. "I understand."
No, he doesn't deserve her. Anakin squeezes her hand before pulling away and returning to the living room. Ani is still curled on Ahsoka's lap, and he's not as hasty about returning to Anakin's side as he was before, a sure sign that he's becoming more accustomed to being with Ahsoka. Good. "I'm sure Palpatine will be able to help us," Anakin promises Ani as he reaches for his comm, pausing mid-movement when he feels a flare of panic and fear in the Force. Comm forgotten, Anakin drops to one knee so he can look his counterpart in the eye more easily. "Ani, what is it?"
"He's…" Ani's voice trails off, but it's clear that, for whatever reason, he's afraid.
"Palpatine is the Chancellor," Anakin explains, frowning, uncertain what is trigging such a reaction. He wishes that it wasn't so hard for Ani to talk, to express himself. It was never hard for him. Force, what did the Sith do to this child? "He's been a close friend of mine since I was slightly older than you. He's helped me many times in the past, and I'm sure he'll speak to the Council about your father if I ask him to. He – Ani, are you okay?"
He doesn't reach out to the boy, though he wants to. Ani's face is pale, and he's trembling, radiating distress into the Force to the point where even Padme, who is standing in the doorway, seems to be able to sense it, at least somewhat. Ani seems to be on the verge of having a panic attack, and Anakin has experienced them enough times himself to know how to respond. "Hey, we don't have to do anything if you don't want to, okay?" he offers carefully, wishing that he could hug Ani tightly, even as he knows that touching him is probably not a good idea.
Ahsoka's eyes are wide and worried from where she's sitting on the couch, and she and Anakin exchange a look. "Ani." It's weird to say that name, even now, but it's enough to make the child focus on him, breaking through his haze of fear. "Ani, you're safe here."
Something that looks far too much like pain for Anakin's liking – Ani is a child, and yes, they went through horrible things when young, but nothing to warrant such a look – flashes across his expression, and he throws himself into Anakin's arms so fast that only Anakin's quick reflexes enable him to catch the child holding him close as he breaks down into sobs. And he still doesn't know what's wrong, but that's something which they'll have to address later.
Anakin doesn't move from the floor, holding Ani tightly against him and wishing that Custos was here. He would know what to do. He would know what's wrong. He wouldn't feel so helpless, at least not nearly as much as Anakin himself does right now. He murmurs comforting words as Ani cries. It's nearly a minute or two before the child tentatively reaches out with the Force. "Let me show you." The words drift into Anakin's mind with ease, and it makes Anakin wonder how long Ani has known how to speak telepathically. It took Anakin some time before his bond with Obi-Wan was strong enough for such a thing.
Anakin opens his mind, letting his younger project into him. The impressions overtake him instantly, and Anakin winces, realizing that for all his talent, Ani is not particularly skilled at doing this, so it's going to hurt –
The world spirals into darkness, and instead of Padme's living room, Anakin finds himself standing in a small, dark prison cell, lit only by the red of the ray shield. It's damp, the air musty. It's also cold. Maybe most people wouldn't have a problem with the temperature, but Anakin, having grown up on Tatooine, cannot tolerate what most people consider comfortable. For him, it's always chilly. He needs the heat. The next thing Anakin realizes is that he's alone… and that he's currently seeing this through Ani's eyes, though he has no control over his body.
It's strange to feel so small again, but that's hardly Anakin's biggest concern, especially when it sinks in how much the body is hurting. The ache is constant, some parts hurting more than others. That's probably why Ani is curled on a blanket in the corner where it feels safest. There's a clanging noise as the dungeon door is opened, followed by what sounds like droids walking. Maybe organic beings too if Anakin was to hazard a guess.
He doesn't have to wait long before two MagnaGuard-type droids walk into sight, dragging a limp Custos between them. His face is bruised and swollen, clothes shredded and blood stained. Anakin nearly gasps aloud in horror – though he's incapable anyways. The ray shield is lowered and the unconscious body thrown in, landing on the rough duracrete floor with a resounding thud. Two other figures step into view, both cloaked in black. The Sith. Somehow, Anakin knows it's who they are.
"Prepare the medical room for the child," orders the one on the right. Plagueis. He doesn't exactly seem to be human. Ani shivers, pressing back against the wall behind him, and Anakin wants to scream at the unfairness of it all. He's only a child!
"Master," protests the other. Sidious. His voice seems familiar somehow. "This research of yours is going too far! You'll kill the boy! He can be useful. We should train him, raise him in the ways of the Sith. He can help us, work for us. He is powerful; we both know it. I want the boy. You can keep Kenobi."
"Remember your place, apprentice," rebukes Plagueis harshly, turning on him. "Go back to your politics; let the galaxy continue to believe you are nothing more than the benign Chancellor Palpatine. Dooku is already ours. You play your game in your arena, and I will play mine here."
Sidious is upset; Anakin can feel it, but he turns and stalks away. Plagueis remains for another moment before leaving as well, and Ani immediately scrambles over to Custos' side, waiting for him to awaken. The memory ends there.
Anakin sucks in a breath, head throbbing as he's abruptly jerked back to reality, the truth crashing in over him. No. Nonono. It's not possible. It can't be possible. Except it is. He knows deep inside of him that it's true, that Palpatine is Sidious, that the Chancellor who has long taken an interest in him, helping him in all the ways Obi-Wan never would is only using him. Sidious wants him as his apprentice, that much is clear from Ani's memories.
"How?" Anakin whispers, voice shaking, well aware of the tears blurring his eyes and slipping down his face. "How could he?" This is a betrayal which runs deep, far deeper than Obi-Wan siding with the Council and arresting Custos. He told Palpatine everything; he thought he could trust him with anything, and their interactions only further cemented that belief. Palpatine helped him on so many occasions. It doesn't even make sense for him to be a Sith… except it does. It's the only thing that has made sense, in retrospect, especially given his interest in Anakin. He should have realized, should have known that there was nothing about him which made spending so much time with him worthwhile.
Sometimes, he feels like he's more of a burden than not, and – No. He can't let himself go down that path of thinking. He refuses to let himself spiral into self-destruction when Ani and Ahsoka need him right now. "'M sorry," Ani whispers. "I didn't know how to tell you."
"There's nothing you need to be sorry for," Anakin reassures him, keeping his voice as steady as he can. It's not Ani's fault that Palpatine is a Sith Lord bent on turning Anakin to the Dark Side. He doesn't want to think about how such a plot could have been successful.
"I – I want Dad," Ani chokes out, shifting so that his cheek is resting on Anakin's tunic. He's terrified still, his Force signature instinctively seeking out the one person who has helped him through this nightmare, the one person who is no longer here, because of the Jedi.
"Me too," Anakin whispers, closing his eyes. More than anything else, he desperately yearns to have someone who can help him. It's exhausting to be constantly trying to keep himself together and active through sheer willpower. Is it really too much to ask that he have someone who can help him? Why must he always have to devote himself to helping others while being forever alone?
The Jedi have long treated him as an outcast, and he has no friends with whom he can share his pain, and even if he did, they wouldn't understand. That's the thing. No one understands what he's been through. They don't realize how deep the scars run, how extreme his fears are. He can't simply wish them away, no matter how much he might like to. He digs out his comm, fingers fumbling as he enters Obi-Wan's frequency. He's not stupid enough to reach out to his former master for help, but he can demand access to the only other person who can help.
"Obi-Wan," he says as soon as the connection is made before Obi-Wan even has a chance to respond. "Can – can I see Custos?" He knows his voice is shaking, his breakdown audible in his words, even if he tries to make himself sound calm.
Ani stiffens next to him, body stilling. Obi-Wan is quiet for a long moment. "No," he answers finally. "Only Council members are permitted to visit him."
"I don't know why I thought you could help," Anakin snaps, disconnecting the comm and then turning it off for good measure. He doesn't want to deal with Obi-Wan; he's still furious at him for arresting Custos, even after Anakin's all but begged him not to. He doesn't care. Of course, he doesn't care. He's a Jedi before he's Anakin's… friend. Everything is falling apart too quickly, and he doesn't know how to stop it. In one day, he's lost half of the people he once trusted. What now? What is he supposed to do now?
"Master, what did Ani show you?" Ahsoka queries, concerned.
"Palpatine is the Sith Lord who started the war." Anakin knows how numb he sounds, how detached. He only has Padme now, because he can't emotionally lean on Rex, Ahsoka, or Ani. Rex can help – all of his men will – but it's not the same. Anakin is his superior, his general. They can be equals, friends. Rex can't be an advisor, a mentor, not like Palpatine and Obi-Wan are – were.
Shock and horror echo into the Force from both Padme and Ahsoka. "What will we do?" That's from Padme. Anakin wants to comfort her, but he can't even help himself right now, much less Ani. He's never going to be enough. He'll never be able to help his family. He'll never be able to keep them all safe, and it hurts. He should be better. He needs to be better.
"I don't know," Anakin replies, defeated, shaking his head. "I don't know what to do. We can't let him know that we know though. I should – I should probably tell the Council, but I – I can't trust them."
There's a heavy pause of silence as they all look at one another. "Don't," Padme declares with certainty. "Don't tell them anything right now. First, I'll try to free Custos. Then, we can deal with Palpatine. It will take time for us to be able to remove him from office anyways."
She has a point. Anakin wishes he could disappear, and let the galaxy take care of itself without him. He's tired of always being the savior, the hero. "As my lady commands," he says teasingly, at least as teasingly as he can, given his current emotional turmoil.
"Wait here," Padme suggests finally, turning to leave the room. "I'll try to resolve the situation regarding Custos right now."
And that is why he loves her.
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