I couldn't help but smile as I thought about how my night had ended and how my day began as I stood with the rest of the excursion crew, waiting to be beamed back aboard the Enterprise as the sun began its lazy descent just over the edge of the horizon. The blue sky was painted in a brilliant array of dreamy pastel colors that made my heart stutter with the pure, simple beauty of it. I would've been perfectly content to stand and watch the sky crawl into darkness instead of having to endure the unnatural, gut-twisting experience of being beamed again.
As I stared up at the unfolding sunset, the last few moments of my time alone with Jim last night danced across the clouds, the soft colors giving what had happened in the darkness of the night an even lovelier sentiment, if that was possible. After a brief, albeit heated debate in hushed whispers about who would take the last cot in the cabin, Jim succumbed to my feeble reasoning that I truly did prefer sleeping on the floor, and that it would look a bit better if the captain was accommodated comfortably. Both arguments were flimsy, and the agitation spread across his face told me he knew it as he looked down at me, the contours of his features cast in the nighttime shadows of the cabin. Ultimately he caved, not wanting to risk waking any of the crew members with our pitiful attempt at arguing quietly.
With a huff of annoyed resignation, he begrudgingly picked up the last available cot and quietly moved it to the far left corner of the room, away from where all the other officers and cadets were currently asleep both on cots and the floor. After collecting a blanket and an old, misshapen pillow from where the others had stacked them on the square table, he laid them on the floor next to the cot. He made an over exaggerated gesture for me to lay down on his sweetly created spot with that smirk of his playing at his lips. My insistence that he use both sleep accessories died on my lips as he gave me a stern, tired glare that had me lifting up my hands in silent surrender.
I carefully peeled off my boots before laying down on the worn, dirty floor of the cabin. It took an immense amount of effort for me to not linger on the latter. It was easy enough to distract myself by taking out my mess of a braid that had been tossed and destroyed by the wind throughout our miles and miles of walking. There was no doubt in my mind that bits of leaves and sticks had woven their way into the strands during the long day.
Turning over on my side to face Jim's cot, a satisfied sigh escaped my lips as I could finally let my focus fall onto the true reason why I had been so insistent on being the one who slept on the floor. I turned my head and looked up to find Jim laying on his side facing me. His eyes were downcast, and as soon as they met mine, something in the air between us seemed to shift. A stillness fell over us as we held each other's gazes. His hair was disheveled, his eyes were tired, and his lips were still holding the slightest trace of his smirk as he grew sleepier by the second.
Sure, I could've taken him in just like I was now if I would've taken the cot — but there was something about this perspective. Something about looking up at him, as if he were a constellation in the sky to be marveled and pondered, brought me a strange type of happiness that I had never experienced before. There was also the fact that he was always the one conceding and making concessions for everyone around him. He was always quick to sacrifice himself, whether it was a cot, a dangerous task, or a risky excursion. A true leader through and through.
It gave me great satisfaction to know that he was resting more comfortably on the old cot. Laying on the floor was truly not a bother to me, as it was where I spent most of my life sleeping, and if it meant that I could take in his handsome, nearly-asleep face more easily, then any aches I would have in the morning would be of little consequence. A small smile tugged at my lips as I watched his eyes droop further and further until they were finally closed. He fought his heavy lids for as long as he could, holding my gaze up until they closed completely.
Another wave of relaxation washed over me, foreign and comforting. As I silently gazed up at Jim's peaceful face, his hand reached down to where mine laid on the lumpy, musty pillow next to my head. The warmth of his hand as it wrapped around mine sent a shockwave through my body, causing my heart to do erratic, silly somersaults. Contentment flooded through me as I reveled in the feeling of his tender touch.
It was as my thumb traced small, gentle circles on his fingers that I drifted off into the most deep, restful sleep I had known in a long, long time. He was the last thing I saw as I fell asleep, and the first thing I saw in the morning when chirping tropical birds and the loudness of Spock starting the day ridiculously early pulled me from the depths of sleep.
Our hands separated as the room around us began to stir to life, forcing us back into the reality of our uniquely complicated situation. I'd felt the light, airy happiness linger with me throughout the long day as we plodded along the planet to continue our documentation from the previous day. I participated in any and all tasks asked of me, whether it be assisting with the hands-on field research of Spock, helping Bones collect samples of plants that might be medicinal, or assisting the other cadets with clearing thick foliage blocking our path.
It was tedious, exhausting work, especially in the thick humidity that was inescapable no matter how close to the ice forms we were, but it was all tinged with the peaceful contentment I felt deep within a far, near-forgotten corner of my soul. Someone could've asked me to sift through a pile of unknown dung and I would've agreed without a second thought, content to complete any menial task if it meant I could stay on this planet where existing seemed the smallest bit more bearable and simple.
But our time here was coming to a close. I heaved a sigh as I looked up at the breathtaking colors of the sky growing more intense under my gaze. We had spent the last few hours hauling supplies beamed down from the Enterprise to the cabin, where Jim and Bones coordinated and arranged the contents of the containers and boxes while Spock oversaw the cadets carrying the cargo. With the transporting complete, we all stood gathered in a clump, waiting for Jim and Bones to make their way to where we stood so we could begin beaming back aboard the Enterprise.
Knowing what waited beyond the bank of beautifully illuminated pastel clouds in the dark depths of space made my stomach turn sharply. I would've given anything to stay on the mystery planet a bit longer. To feel the kiss of the sun on my face, the wind tugging at my hair, to breathe in the smell of flowers and fresh, humid air. To fall asleep feeling completely whole, unbothered by the host of problems plaguing Jim and I both.
Impossible. Duty called, and command wouldn't wait for the whims of a cadet who was growing tired of the cold confines of space. I watched, my heart heavy as lead in my chest, as Jim and Bones made their approach from across the large field that separated the cabin from the rendezvous spot for returning to the Enterprise. Bones joined the throng of cadets in the center of the rough circle we'd formed, while Jim stopped just on the outside of everyone, exactly opposite of me.
His sharp, clear blue eyes met mine from where he stood, tall and authoritative, every inch the fearless leader the stories made him out to be. He brought his comms up to his mouth, his gaze locked onto mine.
"Kirk to Scotty — begin beaming as we discussed earlier today."
I swallowed hard at the lump in my throat at the thought of what was about to occur. Sure I had done it once, proving to myself that I would in fact make it in one piece no matter how much I loathed the process, but that had been with the aid of Jim by my side, and he was firmly planted clear across the group of cadets and officers. Swirls of light began to form around those standing between Jim and I, and my heart instantly started hammering against my ribs. My fists clenched tightly at my sides as the wind kicked up around me, the prologue to what was about to come.
Closing my eyes tightly, I prepared myself as best as I could for what was about to happen. My breathing grew ragged, coming in heavy, uneven bursts through parted lips. After a few seconds that felt like an eternity, I cautiously cracked an eye open to see if bits of the Enterprise were beginning to form around me through the nauseating swirls of bright light. Much to my surprise, I watched as the cadets and officers separating Jim and I slowly disappeared before my eyes, leaving behind imprints in the tall grass where their feet had been just moments ago.
No light swirled around either Jim or I as we stood in the now empty field. I looked on in confusion as the wind played in Jim's blonde locks, his piercing blue eyes still locked onto me. He lifted his hand, bringing his comms back to his lips, and I braced myself again as our beaming was no doubt about to commence after we'd somehow been missed.
"Beaming complete, Scotty. That will be all. Kirk out."
My mouth fell open as my brain worked to process the words he'd just spoken. Had I misheard from across the clearing? Was the wind playing tricks on my ears? Maybe exhaustion from all the walking and being in the sun and humidity was finally catching up to me. I looked on as Jim tucked his comms back into his belt, his eyes still boring into me, his face set in a determined expression that had something I couldn't quite place behind it. The wind kicked up then, causing hair from my braid to whip free, the grass around us rustling and whistling in response. Then, without warning, he was moving. He crossed the distance between us quickly with his long, easy stride.
He stopped just short of where I stood, an arm's length away. He looked down at me with clear, bright eyes, holding emotions I could not place. He stood tall, back straight with his shoulders drawn back. The last golden rays of the sun illuminated him in a warm glow, making his handsome features even more breathtaking. He looked regal, stoic and unwavering. It both thrilled me and made me feel small to stand in front of him, just an unremarkable girl from an unknown planet with a troubled past.
I watched as he reached his arm out into the space between us, offering me his hand that was steady and still as the air continued to tug at us both. There was an undeniable shift as I took in the image of him standing before me, self assured and steadfast. Time seemed to stand still, our looming pasts and foreboding futures pushed away as we stood together, wholly in the present. As I took in the lines spread out across his upturned palm, the sudden urge to trace and memorize every single one of them unexpectedly swept over me.
"Come with me." His voice cut through the silence of the air around us, sending shivers sprawling across my skin. Birds called in the distance and tall grass rustled around us, the last dying breezes of the day waning as the sun was nearly engulfed by the horizon. If I could've lived in the moment forever, I would have. It would mean never having to return to the Enterprise, never having to face both of our unknowns. It would mean basking in all the glory of the natural beauty on this planet forever. It would mean seeing Jim resolute before me for an eternity, his hand outstretched and waiting forever.
But time was still moving, marked by the gathering darkness and shadows as the sun was near fully set.
Finding my voice, I spoke the one word that would always be my response when the proud captain before me asked me to follow him.
"Okay."
Reaching out my hand, I placed it gingerly in his and relished the wave of shivers that danced across my skin as his fingers wrapped around mine. With a gentle squeeze of my hand, he turned and started walking across the empty field, back towards the small cabin we'd used as an outpost. He tugged me along gently, towing me in his wake as our feet crunched softly on the grass. Walking behind him in his trailing shadow made me feel smaller — as if the darkness cast by the solidness of his body contained all the greatness he'd achieved, all the burdens he bore, all the feelings that consumed him, all the responsibilities that weighed on him, unyielding and inescapable.
His shadow vanished as the thickness of the forest engulfed us both, the small cabin coming into view after a few more short minutes of walking in silence. There was no telling what was about to happen. Possibilities swirled through my head at an alarming rate, and I managed to keep them all at bay, determined to keep myself fully planted in the present. The feeling of my hand in Jim's, the sound of nighttime insects coming to life, the little thrill of goosebumps on my skin as the humidity in the air was replaced with the coolness of a gentle evening breeze. There was nothing but now, and I let myself fully free fall into everything happening around me.
Jim came to a stop on the step before the door of the cabin. I watched as he placed a hand on the handle, his head turning to look at me over his shoulder as we stood in the peaceful chorus of the nighttime sounds that surrounded us. Without a word, he pushed the handle and held the door open for me with one arm. He kept his blue eyes on me as I took in the warm glow of light pouring over the threshold and the smells, both sweet and savory, brought a quizzical expression to my face.
I dropped Jim's hand as I brought my feet into motion, stepping past him and walking through the doorway, taking in the interior of the small cabin, which had been completely transformed since I had last seen it this morning. A powerful surge of feelings and emotions I'd never felt before swept through me as I took in everything that surrounded me. Warmth flooded my body from head to toe. My heart beats thrummed against my chest quicker as I started to lose myself to thoughts and images that were suddenly beginning to fill my mind.
Jim brushed past where I stood frozen, just a step or two past the threshold, stepping around me and placing himself in front of the scene that had caused something to go haywire in my brain. It was as I finally tore my eyes away from the surprises in the room and looked up at Jim that the world and reality as I knew it slipped away from me. Images of a life and a future I never dared dream, let alone think of, flooded my mind as my eyes met Jim's. Scenes of a home built together, a family raised together, of passions pursued together, of destinies fused together overcame and overwhelmed me. As I stared up at Jim, my mouth agape and eyes wide with the shock of witnessing the images still engulfing my mind, the realization hit me that what I was seeing in my mind was in fact not from my mind. And as Jim looked down at me, eyes glistening, face heavy with a multitude of emotions and his mouth poised to speak, I knew that the next words to leave his lips would be life altering — for better, or for worse.