I had both everything and nothing to lose based on what would occur in the next moments of my life. The constant battle of needing to hedge between trying to treat Aria with the respect and care she deserved coupled with the never-ending turmoil of being the captain on this mission had brought me here — standing in front of the person who had brought my dead dreams back to life in brilliant, blinding colors.
It was impossible to stop the images that I'd replayed over and over again for months from coming into my mind as I looked down at her breathtaking golden eyes. The emotion flooding her face only made the images appear stronger. Scenes from a fantasy life that always seemed galaxies away from me, only existing in some world where I'd chosen a different path and become a different man. A better man. A stronger man.
They were always simple, quiet scenes. Aria dressed in white, walking toward me on a warm summer day on a quiet farm in Iowa. Taking a little boy or girl on a motorcycle ride through the country, their face always a reflection of what made Aria so incredibly beautiful. Having Aria by my side, working together on diplomatic and exploratory missions without needing to feign indifference because of rules, expectations and unjust assumptions. Each moment was a perfect part of a dream that felt far beyond my feeble grasp — a tapestry I was too afraid to even attempt to begin weave.
All the nerves that had plagued me throughout the seemingly endless day fell away as I looked down at her wide, mystified eyes. I had nearly crushed Bones' foot with a crate as my mind raced with thoughts of my plan for the evening being either foolish, daft or both. His colorful curses had launched me back into reality fast enough, but it didn't take my mind long to wander back to the last minute idea I'd concocted in the early hours of the morning as I reveled in the feeling of Aria's hand in mine. The soft chorus of tropical birds singing outside mixed with the amber glow of the first rays of sun brought harmony to my last quiet moments of the excursion. A harmony I wasn't ready to let go of, even as Spock began his day with a level of noise similar to how I imagined a group of wild beasts must exist on a feral planet.
With the eager help of Scotty, the begrudging assistance from Bones, and the unknowing aid of Spock, I was able to pull a version of what I'd envisioned all those hours ago as I'd laid peacefully next to Aria, her chest rising and falling as she was lost in the deep embrace of sleep. It wasn't perfect, and it sure as hell wasn't what she truly deserved. But it was the best I could do for now, and that would hopefully be enough.
I pulled a settling breath into my lungs, and a smile tugged at the corner of my lips as I reached out into the small space between us with my palms upturned. Her eyes flicked down briefly, and I could nearly hear the wheels turning in her mind as she tried to parse out what exactly was going on. That subtle glow from last night had returned to her skin in the dim light of the cabin — something that still needed addressing, but could easily be tabled for later.
Any remaining nervousness or anxiety about my spontaneous plan fell away as soon as I felt her hands being gingerly placed in mine. Calmness washed over me, grounding me more than simply being on the planet and off of the Enterprise. The firm resolve I had felt in my chest this morning returned, and suddenly the words I'd been mulling over ever since the excursion had begun were ready, perched at the tip of my tongue.
"This, everything here in this cabin right now, is the most unbelievably small sliver of what I want to do for you, of what I want to do with you, of what I want to show you. It's not much, not nearly enough, but it's all I can give you right now, and it was an opportunity I just couldn't bring myself to waste."
Her eyes had pulled away from me as I spoke, her gaze drifting around the room as her full lips parted in surprise. Warmth washed through me as I watched her take everything in. On the old worn table was the best meal I could bribe the put-off kitchen crew to make on a last second whim, arranged relatively nicely by Bones just before he'd beamed back to the Enterprise. I'd used all of the tattered and musty blankets and pillows in the cabin to create a nice, cozy spot in front of a blank wall — a wall that would be used to hold the images from the movie I'd play from the janky projector I'd had Scotty repair for me. And finally, just behind me to our right was an empty space I'd cleared of the couch and cots to make a barely big enough makeshift place to dance. The makeshift speaker perched on one of the crooked wall shelves was just functional enough to work thanks to the quick and efficient tinkering Scotty was always capable of.
It was as close as I could get to giving her the first date she deserved. And I sure as hell owed a lot of people for helping me make this last-second first date possible. That is, the people that actually knew they were helping me out. With any luck, Spock would be none the wiser that he unknowingly aided and abetted me in making this small gesture possible. The ramifications of the Vulcan finding out that I'd shirked my responsibilities as captain for the entirety of the evening was not something I wanted to dwell on.
The sudden sound of her voice in the silent cabin pulled me from my logic imbued thoughts. "Jim, how did you … doing this, you're risking too much."
Her face was flooded with a unique mix of awe, concern and what I hoped was joy. I let the smile that tugged at the corner of my mouth bloom into a full blown grin as I looked into her golden eyes. This was it. This is the only chance I would have to make this night one she would never forget. Could never forget. If I could pull it off, I'd get her to smile, to laugh, to let go just for this handful of hours we'd get together. I wanted to erase whatever doubts and fears and stresses plagued her mind. I wanted to keep the worries that followed her around on the Enterprise at bay for just a little longer. The shadows that always tugged at the corners of her face had left since she'd gone on this excursion, and I would do anything to keep the glow — quite literally — she'd gained since having her two feet on solid ground. Even if it was all only temporary.
"Let me worry about the implications of tonight — and by worry, I mean disregard entirely. The repercussions aren't important, and they sure as hell aren't more important than what I want tonight to be for you, for both of us. You see, Aria, I've been lost, and have been for quite some time. But when I saw you at the river that day, suddenly I found a path again. And it led straight to you."
She was looking up at me, her mouth opening and closing similarly to that of some cute, small fish, and though she tried to find words, she didn't. Bright gold eyes darted all over my face as she tried to speak, and my smile only grew as I looked down at her, ready to continue on as she struggled to piece together what she wanted to say.
"Let's not make this hurt anymore. Let's not let everything else dictate how we feel, how we exist, how we live. Let's be together tonight and forget about tomorrow's worries, tomorrow's problems, tomorrow's heartache. Let's do this, just you and I, and not think. Let's not regret. Let's just do."
Her mouth opened and closed a few more times before she resigned herself to not having any further discussion about implications and consequences. Where finding words had failed her, the full smile that drew across her lips did not. I couldn't help but let my own smile grow bigger at the sight of hers — so pure, a sign that she was starting to let go, to relax. Giving her hands a gentle squeeze before dropping them, I walked past her and to the tiny kitchen — if you could even call the couple cupboards, sink basin and wood-burning stove that — and grabbed the bottle of champagne I'd had Scotty grab from my quarters earlier today.
It was a bottle I'd been hanging on to for years, collecting dust at the bottom of the footlocker in my closet. What I was waiting to use it for, I was never really sure. Here I'd thought it was something I was saving for the completion of a particular mission, for a celebration of a promotion on the crew, for a cultural or political breakthrough on a foreign planet. As it turned out, I was saving it for a celebration of a completely different kind. A personal celebration. A monumental moment that felt like the pendulum of my life was swinging in a direction I never dared dream of.
Angling myself towards the center of the room, I popped the cork off, keeping it in my hand to avoid any unnecessary spilling or injury, and was about to turn back to the counter to pour the bubbly booze into two glasses when I was suddenly intercepted midway through the motion. Aria's hands were on the collar of my uniform, and before I could playfully ask or comprehend what she was doing, her lips were on mine, full and warm and unbelievably soft. It derailed me in the best way possible — a way I'd been thinking about incessantly over the past 12 hours.
My free arm wrapped around her impeccably curved waist, my hand gripping the fabric of her uniform at her hip as she pulled me into her harder, our bodies meeting and melding together in the most satisfying way possible. The smile and laughter breaking through my lips couldn't be contained. No, there was nothing remotely humorous about her kissing me. There was no joke about it, nothing to be found silly. The laugh was one of happiness, of pure joy and contentment that her guard had dropped, and that she was here in the moment with me just as much as I was with her.
She broke away from my lips as my smile and laughter grew, moving her sweet kisses to trail up the stubble of my cheek to my ear. I tightened the arm I had around her waist, reveling in the closeness of her body against mine. When she spoke, each word had her lips grazing the sensitive skin of my ear, sending thrilling shivers through my body.
"I wish I didn't want you as badly as I do, you insufferably charming and overly confident man, you."
My response was to huff a laugh into the side of her neck before placing soft kisses of my own onto the supple skin there. I felt her tremble against me, and I couldn't help my hand tightening on the fabric of her dress — an undeniable reflex.
Keeping my lips lightly pressed against her skin, I murmured, "Then you're really going to hate how much more you're going to want me come morning, cadet," before moving my face away and turning my attention to carefully pouring us two glasses of champagne. She feigned kneeing me right between the legs, earning her another laugh from me, before I felt her take a deep, settling breath in and out as I tried to keep my focus on pouring the bottle with one hand. I only faltered slightly when she moved her hands up and around to my shoulders while simultaneously placing kisses along my cheek and jaw.
"Is it even us if we aren't drinking whiskey?" she asked, and I couldn't help but chuckle again before I forced myself to let go of her waist, disentangle myself from her fully and grab the two full, bubbling glasses from the counter.
I handed her a glass and offered her a smirk as I returned my gaze to her brilliant gold eyes, now more alert and clear then they'd been before we'd entered the cabin. "Trust me, there's whiskey in this cabin. I wouldn't dare forget our favorite drink of choice." I raised my glass, keeping our eye contact unbroken as I smirked down at her, her skin glowing in a way I couldn't even begin to understand. I wondered if she noticed it as she raised her glass to match my own.
The thought was lost as I turned my attention to the important matter at hand — starting this evening and reveling in every beautiful second of it. "Here's to a somewhat palatable meal, enjoying some classic cinema, and capping the night off with some nice, relaxing music and maybe a dance or two."
Her eyes twinkled up at me, and for a moment I could've sworn they pulsed with a glow that was just like the one that was emanating from beneath her skin. "To tonight," she replied, then pressed the flute to her beautifully pink lips. I followed suit, our eyes locked the entire time we took our long sips. I stepped past her, opening my arm in a sweeping gesture towards the set table that was illuminated in the warm glow of several flickering candles at its center.
"Let's eat, and revel in the fact that not only are we enjoying a sit-down meal together, but that this table was set by a grumbling Bones who did nothing but curse under his breath the entire time."
With a laugh and another sip of champagne, Aria turned and headed to the table where I pulled out her chair and gently helped scoot her in towards the table. Before taking my own seat, I lingered behind her, causing her to turn and crane her head up towards me, no doubt curious as to why I hadn't sat down yet. I bent down and placed a deep, lingering kiss on her lips while my free hand gave her shoulder a gentle caress. It was a long minute before I broke away, slowly trailing my hand away from her shoulder as I walked over to finally take my seat.
We shared a drawn out look over the table before I picked up my silverware and announced, "Dig in." She replied with a smirk I could only categorize as devious. "Don't mind if I do," she replied, and it was not lost on me that it sounded like she was talking about more than just the food.
We had talked and laughed over an incredibly mediocre but filling meal, we had cuddled and canoodled like two handsy teenagers while we watched an old black and white movie from the small collection I always brought with me on the Enterprise, and we had slow danced to a handful of songs where I continually went out of my way to put on the most stereotypical moves I knew — grabbing her backside, pulling her way too close, trying every position imaginable to try and sneak a kiss whenever I could. She ate up every second of my sheer goofiness, laughing and indulging me and letting go right along with me at every step of the way.
When the last song had played from the speakers and silence blanketed the small cabin, something more serious and somber had enveloped us both. We traded beaming silly smiles for measured, calculated looks. Endless and easygoing touching turned hesitant and intentional. We were standing in front of each other, having just finished dancing, each of us now completely unsure of what direction this night — or early morning, if I dare think it — would take.
Afraid of what would happen if the silence drew on for too much longer, I reached out and took her face in my hands, and started a kiss that I would do everything in my power to never have end. She stepped towards me, pressing herself against me while wrapping her arms up and around my shoulders, one of her hands grabbing at my hair while the other caressed the nape of my neck.
I pulled away just enough to speak, our breathing heavy as my lips grazed hers with every word. "Right now, thinking about tomorrow feels like looking off the edge of a cliff. Tonight feels like the last time we'll have this small sense of calm, this sense of normalcy for a long, long while." She leaned in and pushed her lips against mine again, continuing on with the kiss before pulling away after a handful of seconds that had my blood pumping harder than before.
We were more breathless than the first kiss we broke off, and it took her a few seconds before she was able to speak, her chest rising and falling quickly against mine. "I feel it too, even though I've been trying to brush it off, trying to ignore it. Like something is about to change, in an irrevocable kind of way." Before she could continue on, I started the kiss again, this time moving my hands from her face to around her waist, where I picked her up every so slightly and walked her the few feet that separated us from where I'd put all the blankets and pillows on the floor for cozy movie watching.
Kneeling, I gently laid her down on the musty heap that was hopefully somewhat comfortable. Our kiss didn't break for a second, and as I positioned myself over her, the kiss deepened further, our tongues touching in a way that had my mind emptying of nearly any thought I'd been considering trying to articulate. There wasn't enough time. There was no way I could touch her enough, feel her enough, kiss her enough, hold her enough. It would never be enough.
As long as we were together, I was blind to reality. The reality of our relationship, the reality of Aria's confusing and mysterious targeting by command, the reality of this mission being nothing but a vague, aimless journey through space with this excursion being the one and only remotely logical objective in months. Everything had fallen away as we moved our bodies together in ways I'd been thinking about for far too long and on far too many different occasions. Nothing else mattered but her, her body, and how it felt beneath my touch.
It was Aria who pulled away this time, and she really had to make a concerted effort — her hands pushed against my chest as I tried desperately to keep my lips on hers, to keep her from speaking words that might cause hairline fractures to form in this perfect, fragile moment we'd created. I had no choice but to pull away as her strength was too much for me to counter, especially with the leverage she had from being underneath me. We looked down at each other, desperate and pleading for different reasons, our chests heaving, our breathing the only sound filling the cabin.
"What are we doing? What are we going to do?" she asked in a breathless whisper, her eyes searching mine.
I stared down at her, trying in vain to clear my mind of all my lust for her and make room for at least one coherent thought. "Our best. We'll do our best, because that's all we can do." There was no way for me to know if that answer was enough. She just kept looking up at me, her eyes searching for something I wasn't sure if I could provide. Too many looks crossed her face in such a short span of a few seconds. Conflict. Assurance. Hurt. Anger. When her eyes rested back on mine, I was met with a firm look of quiet determination.
"I just want you to know that this is all I will ever want. To be with you, to feel you, to touch you," my breathing caught in my chest as she spoke, every word clear and precise and decided. "To be your confidant, your champion, your support. No matter what happens."
It felt as though a million threads were being pulled taught across my heart, snapping firmly into place whether I wanted them to or not. It was being molded into a shape I had never known before. Bound and infused with the feelings of another. An occurrence I had avoided with relative ease over the years. Letting myself feel, letting someone else feel for me. Reciprocating. Allowing it to take hold, allowing it to begin and unfurl wholly and naturally.
I struggled to find words to match her own, to show her that I understood how serious this was for her, and how desperate I was to protect her from pain, whether it be from me or from our infuriatingly unfair set of circumstances. "I will fight for you as best as I can. I don't know if it will be enough. I don't know if I will be strong enough. But I will try, I promise you."
Another beat of silence passed, our eyes searching each other's as I remained perched over her, braced and waiting to close the distance between us again whenever the moment felt right — or when the waning strength in my arms gave out due to exhaustion and exertion.
She was the first to break the quiet again, a crease in her brows forming as her lips made words that looked like they pained her. "Is this all a terrible idea? Isn't this just going to hurt that much more? Are we making a mistake?"
The questions struck a tender corner of my heart that had heat and ire racing to the tip of my tongue. "I will never call what I feel for you a mistake. I will never call what I want to do to you and for you a mistake. You and I are not a mistake, Aria, no matter who tries to make it seem that way." Each word of my reply was sharp and punctuated, delivered with the need to ensure she understood just how seriously I meant every single one.
"What can they do to us?" I watched as her lips quivered around each word in a breathless, barely audible whisper. Fear and trepidation swam in her eyes and across her beautifully pink-flushed features. Angelic and afraid. The combination punched the soft spot on my heart, and honesty was my reflexive response.
"Try to drive us apart. Try to make this more impossible than it already is. Try to call the shots. They can try to make us not want to be together, which, for me, is no longer an option."
"You're risking so much. Too much. Your career. Your reputation. Your legacy."
"And what about you? What about what you're risking? Your career. Your reputation. Your legacy. This isn't just about me. It isn't now, and it never will be."
"You don't know anything about me. I don't know anything about me."
"I plan to change that."
"How?"
"I've got a few ideas. A few plans."
"Care to share?"
"Right now, I'd very much so like to be using my tongue and lips to articulate myself to you in a very, very different way."
"Jim, we can't avoid all of these looming, oppressive problems forever. They will catch up to us. Having tonight, having now, it's incredible and perfect and impossible. It's a fantasy, a facade. It's just —"
"Everything. Right now is everything. We'll have hours, hell we'll have days of time to sort through what we need to in order to make this work. To fight for us. Right now, all I want to do is —"
Whatever words were left at the end of my sentence were lost to Aria's lips as she reached up and pulled my face down to hers, our bodies finally melding together again after what felt like hours of being apart. Her hands roved through my hair, down my back and across my chest. She pushed my body into hers in places that had me suddenly breaking off kisses to moan. I was lost in the flurry of her touches, and I would've given up my title then and there to stay inside the remote cabin for as long as it took for her to thoroughly explore every part of me that she desired.
And that's what we did for every remaining minute we had left together. We kissed and touched and pushed each other to the very limits of what we were willing to do in such a short stretch of time. I knew I wouldn't cross that final line here. Not while the Enterprise was docked just above us, waiting to call me back at any second. Not while we were playing by rules of command and dealing with their unclear intentions that were subject to change on a whim. Not when she deserved galaxies beyond what I could do for her in the musty, uncomfortable cabin that lacked even the most basic amenities, including an actual bed. Not when she deserved to know what the hell Starfleet wanted with her, why she'd been attacked on Yorktown and how she was going to navigate any semblance of a relationship with an infamous, womanizing Starfleet captain.
She didn't push for anything further, and I was content with her unspoken thoughts that no doubt revolved around the long list of reasons why now was in fact not the right time for such an enormous, life-altering decision. While it was true the list of women I'd bedded was long, and the reasons purely physical, this was different. This was too important to treat with anything but a thought out, heartfelt gesture. Too meaningful to just act on impulse and satisfy the part of myself that wanted to know her thoroughly, both inside and out.
So instead of filling the minutes of our remaining hours with intense words and conversations and mulling over a growing list of concerns and complications, we spent every second tangled up with each other, only coming up for air when one or both of us wanted to sip on a glass of whiskey and share a laugh or two. It was perfectly stupid ignorant bliss, and I savored every euphoric moment. It was as we were sitting up, my hand laced through her hair at the nape of her neck while the other loosely held a freshly filled drink, our lips working together with a slow, intense intention that had my heart thundering in my chest that beeping started to sound from the table next to us.
My comms. Scotty hailing me back to the ship, right when I'd asked him to. Aria made to pull away from me, and I did my best to entice her into ignoring the heinous sound and keep her lips busy with mine, but her resolve to adhere to the limit I'd set for us was stronger than mine. While I may not have been able to continue our whiskey-laced kiss anymore, that didn't stop me from trailing my lips down the side of her cheek, over the soft skin of her neck, to the tender spot where her shoulder began its muscular curve. Gently tugging back the collar of her dress, I gave her a nip with my teeth right on the bare skin of the curve that sent a satisfying shiver through her body. With a heavy sigh onto her exposed shoulder, I resigned myself to defeat, resting my forehead on her soft skin.
Her hands ran through my hair as I attempted to take a few deep, settling breaths, her lips eventually coming to rest on the crown of my head. We'd nearly finished a whole bottle of whiskey between the two of us over many, many hours, providing me with just the right level of a pleasant, manageable buzz — and I supposed I would find out exactly just how manageable of a buzz I'd really amassed when we had to start tidying up the cabin before our departure. Squeezing my eyes shut, I tried to block out all the responsibility, all the heaviness of being back aboard the Enterprise, all the duty and decisions and obligations. It didn't work, and instead I felt a wave of nausea hit my stomach.
"Tell me it's not over. Tell me we can stay. Tell me this can be it forever." The words were whispered, pointless pleas that already had incredibly black and white answers. They were futile, but they were all I had. My last line of defense. My last useless expression of feelings that the universe simply did not care about.
"Don't make me a liar out of me, Jim." Her response was murmured sweetly into my hair, followed by a few soft kisses before she pulled back from me entirely. A separation of worlds. It shouldn't have hurt, but for some reason, it did — and it hurt like absolute hell.
My head felt far heavier than it should've as I begrudgingly lifted it from Aria's shoulder. The room shifted a little as I blinked, taking in the new, broken rays of golden light streaming in from one of the dirty windows. Definitely more than just manageably buzzed. Idiot.
"Let's start cleaning up. Come on, show me where things go." Whiskey and the sweetness of her breath hit my face as she spoke, before she proceeded to stand up quickly, thoroughly thwarting any opportunity for me to attempt to ensnare her again. She most definitely made a small, staggering step as she stood, attempting to cover it up by making herself busy with straightening out her dress and hair.
I did little to stifle the small chuckle that left my lips as I watched her attempt to compose herself. She gave me the universal sign of displeasure with her middle finger over her shoulder as she moved across the cabin to begin our small task of tidying up. I found myself staggering as I made to stand, my feet betraying me as I stumbled into the table that held the near-empty bottle of whiskey and our glasses.
"Not so easy is it, huh captain chuckles?"
And that's how we went along through our short time spent cleaning and tidying up the cabin. Easy, lighthearted banter back and forth as we moved along at opposite ends of the room. We'd make feebly veiled attempts at trying to catch one another with a hug or touch or kiss, to which one of us feigned fighting before falling into each other for a few more precious moments before moving on with the task at hand. Fifteen-ish or so minutes later, everything was back in its place, the small cabin cleaner than it had been when we'd arrived just a few short days ago.
Aria brushed past me silently as I held the door open for her, leaving the crushing silence of the cabin behind us as we started our trek back to where Scotty would beam us back aboard the Enterprise. It was a lazy saunter through the thick green jungle that was miraculously punctuated with blocks and patches of the most brilliant, science-defying blue ice. The existence of this planet was something to marvel, and this was one of those rare moments where I was actually looking forward to reading the completed reports as a result of the excursion.
We held each other's hands loosely from the moment we stepped off the steps of the cabin. As we emerged from the lush green foliage and stepped out into the still, tall grass of the open plain, our steps grew a little more carefree and even slower, if that was possible. Lollygagging. We were lollygagging like two kids who would do anything and everything to avoid actually going home for curfew. The weight that had left us for a few sweet and far too short days was returning, pressing down on us both a little more with each footstep towards the flattened grass at the center of the large field.
The silence between us stretched thinner with each passing second, the tension cutting through it no matter how hard we tried to keep our meandering pace and easygoing hand holding illusion going. My heart was near pounding out of my chest as we finally came to a halt in the middle of the well walked-on grass. The last place where we would be together like this for the very long, foreseeable future. With a hard swallow against the rising lump in my throat, I turned to face her, my hand still holding hers.
Taking in her soft, emotion-filled features nearly undid me. I used my free hand to run my fingers over her hair, smoothing it in places where it had been gently tossed by the wind on our quiet walk. She looked up at me as I moved on to smoothing the wrinkles of her uniform at her shoulders and waist, her golden eyes growing glassier by the second. After finishing smoothing out the last wrinkle, my hand lingered on the side of her waist before giving it a gentle squeeze and reluctantly abandoning the pleasant warmth of her curves to raise my coms to my lips.
"Kirk to Scotty. Ready for beaming." It took an overwhelming amount of effort to keep my voice even as I made the request. The request that finally gave a definite end to our painfully finite time together.
"Aye captain, I'll have ye both aboard in no time, sir. Might I add, captain, that —"
"It can wait, Scotty. Kirk out." The snapping shut of my coms broke through the thick silence around us. Not a single bird or bug chirped. No wind moved through the sea of grass that surrounded us. The warm glow of the early morning sun basked us both in heavenly shades of gold, giving the heartbreaking moment the ironic appearance of something sweet and unfurling instead of the truth at its core. Unbearable and so bitter, bittersweet.
"Stop looking at me like that." Her lips trembled as the words left her mouth in a rushed, barely audible whisper.
"What look is that?"
"Like this is it."
"I don't want it to be, but if it is, I don't want to forget it. I don't want you to forget this moment, every second we've had here."
"What happened to keeping this light and fun? Carefree?"
Tears were gathering in her eyes as she stared up at me, the grass around us beginning to stir as faint beams of light began to swirl around us in their beautifully complex fusion of magic and science. With a little effort, I brought a smirk to the corner of my lips before dropping her hand and placing it on her cool cheek instead.
"You're right. Don't forget this, Aria. Remember this. Remember us here."
"I won't forget. I can't. I won't —" Her pleas were lost as I pressed my lips onto hers, and one of my hands made its way around to her backside to give it a fierce squeeze, undoing all the smoothing of wrinkles I'd accomplished just minutes ago.
She let out a sharp, bright chuckle onto my parted lips, and a small part of me felt relief in the small victory that I could keep the tears from falling from her eyes — at least in this small, minute moment before we had to part ways. The tender spot on my heart knew that those tears would still be behind her eyes, waiting to fall at a different time and place. But for now, as the swirling light around us grew brighter and more intense, the grass around us bending and whipping around wildly, I reached down and gave her a deep, sloppy kiss that ended with giving her a playful tug on her bottom lip and another squeeze on her behind.
The heartbreaking smile she repaid me with felt a lot like the very last time I'd see it for some unknown, near crippling reason, and as the world broke apart and began to reform itself around us, it took everything in me to take a step away from her, putting distance between us that felt too far, too permanent. The world around us turned blinding white, my body free of her touch for the first time in what felt like forever, and I was grateful that she wouldn't get the chance to see the few tears that spilled down my cheeks, only to be wiped away quickly before our bodies would reform in the artificial light of the Enterprise. Apart, together, and pulled apart again.
What a dangerous game we were playing, coming together and coming apart over and over again. Too many times, and there would be a chance that it would be irrevocable. Two shards of people too jagged and broken to fit together again. We were gambling on an unknowable amount of borrowed time. As the sterile walls of the Enterprise started to form around us, I clenched my fists at my sides tightly and squeezed my eyes shut, quickly sending off a prayer to whatever god or higher beings might exist that we would be able to come together again.