Pain shot through my eyes as I squeezed them shut as firmly as I could while the beaming grew more and more intense. I went from feeling completely solid and whole, grounded firmly in the wavering grass, to feeling as though all that existed of me was the essence of my mind and spirit. Weightless and ethereal. The light shifted from the warm glow of the sun, to the deep, horrifying darkness of nothing, to the bright artificial light that signaled we were arriving at our destination who knows how many miles above us in space.
The subtle buzzing and whir of electronics met my ears as my body formed itself back fully — intact and whole, much to my relief. While the science behind teleportation may have been sound and well-practiced, it wasn't something I was going to grow accustomed to anytime soon. The rolling wave of nausea in my stomach peaked as the swirling lights around me subsided, my boot-clad feet finally firmly planted on the metal of the platform beneath me.
I made a gasping sound as stillness returned to my body — apparently at some point during the unnatural ride I'd started to hold my breath. My hands roamed over my stomach, making sure that my entrails had in fact made it aboard fully intact. All I felt was the solidness of muscle under the fabric of my uniform. A sigh of relief escaped my lips, and I was able to peel open my eyes to face the interior of the ship that I'd loathed returning ever since I'd left.
Blinking against the sudden harshness of the overhead lighting, I was met with the image of Scotty rushing around the controls of his console to stand before Jim, a frazzled and panicked expression painted across the Scotsman's pale features.
"Captain — the board has arrived early to conduct the disciplinary hearing. They docked about half an hour ago, and I've been trying to stall for ye as best as I can. They are agitated, and growing more so by the second. As is your second in command, who's been up my arse for hours now askin' where the hell you are." Scotty took a sharp inhale of breath after his outpouring of information before acknowledging my existence on the platform next to Jim, offering me a quick smile and nod along with a "Cadet."
"I'll take care of it — the board and Spock. I'm unbelievably sorry you've had to deal with both in my absence." Jim stepped forward off the platform to clap a hand on Scotty's shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze before continuing, his face taut with an emotion I didn't get the chance to read. "I owe you in a big, big way for everything you've done for me in the past twenty four hours. Return to your station, I've got it from here. Thank you, Scotty. For everything."
The chief engineer gave his captain a tight-lipped smile and a brief nod before taking a step backward. "You're most welcome, captain." Scotty turned on his heel and headed down the hallway, turning out of sight to get into the elevator to head back down into the depths of the ship where his engineering duties awaited him. Clearing my throat, I took my first step off of the platform to stand beside Jim, who was still looking to where Scotty had just disappeared around the corner.
As I made an effort to smooth out my uniform and hair again for the umpteenth time this morning, I started to open my mouth to give speaking a shot for the first time since our arrival, only to have Jim start in first. He was moving, waving a few fingers at me over his shoulder to indicate that I should be following him. My first few steps were clumsy, my body still out of sorts from having its particles and atoms rearranged.
"We'll need to get ready for the board as soon as possible. I suggest heading back to your quarters, freshening up, and then immediately heading to the large conference room by the bridge — that's where the hearing will be." He hailed the elevator as we neared it, stepping aside as the doors opened, gesturing for me to enter first. Stepping in quickly on my heels, he pressed two buttons before taking up a spot close to me, our arms brushing together as the doors slid shut and we began our ascent towards the upper levels of the ship. My quarters would be the first stop.
My eyes flickered up to the lights above the door, indicating which levels we were passing with its methodic and rhythmic pattern. I took another deep breath in an effort to settle myself before arriving at my floor, where I would need to depart and casually make my way to my quarters, getting myself ready for a hearing in which I very well could be reprimanded straight back to Yorktown — where I'd be alone and vulnerable. Attempting to quash all the negative and intrusive thoughts in my mind was proving to be near impossible as the elevator continued its climb. Just as the lights were a few blinks away from stopping at the first destination, I gathered the courage required to ask at least one question of Jim before we were separated for the first time in days — another fact that was not lost on me, nor was the coincidence of not having any sudden, crippling attacks while we'd been together off ship.
"What's going to happen in this meeting? What should I be prepared — "
The rest of my sentence was lost as I watched Jim suddenly reach out and press the stop control on the touchpad, his hands then reaching out towards me, taking my face in his warm hands, his eyes wide as they bore into my own. A few beats of silence passed, my heart racing in my chest as quick, shallow breaths escaped through my parted lips.
"They will be unrelenting and ruthless. They will undoubtedly try to nail both you and I for what happened with Spock. Your best bet is to stand tall and take it. Admit fault. Own up to it and have some pointed, polished words ready to express how deeply you regret it, what you've learned from it and how you've been making better choices since then."
"Let's see, like carrying on a secret relationship with the captain, participating in an excursion against the captain's orders, oh, and not to mention the fact that I would tackle and pummel the shit out of that Vulcan again if he so much as — "
Then his lips were feverishly pressed against mine, and I was being pressed against the wall of the elevator, right next to the keypad that was one small button press away from sending us into the reality that we were both hoping to avoid. His hands moved from cupping my face to resting on either side of my head on the wall, forming a pleasant enclosure around me. For just these fleeting moments, it seemed as though we were the only two people that existed in the vast breadth of the universe.
The kiss only lasted a few short, intense moments, my hands relinquishing their grip on the back of his hair to come to rest in defeated stillness on his heaving chest. He loomed over me, his hot breath coming fast against my forehead as I stared at where my hands were rising and falling on the front of his muted gold uniform.
"We'll get through this meeting. We'll get through it, and we'll take on everything that comes after it." I wasn't sure if he was talking more to himself or to me, so I settled on both and offered a quiet reply as I fiddled with the Starfleet insignia on the front of his uniform.
"Your boundless confidence astounds me."
"Tell me you believe me. Tell me it will be okay."
I craned my neck to place another firm kiss against his lips while simultaneously pushing the stop button on the elevator again, releasing the hold and sending us skyward, sending us back into motion.
"You can't keep trying to make a liar out of me, Jim. Let's get through this meeting first. One step at a time."
With the gentle push of my hands against his chest, he stepped backwards, freeing me of the safe confines of his arms. Taking a wide step away from him, I straightened myself out one last time, drew my spine up tall and faced the doors of the elevator as the lights above them were about to come to a stop on my floor.
"Man, we're idiots." The words left my lips with a huff of soft laughter as I felt the elevator come to a stop, the doors about to slide open.
"Hopeful, trying idiots, right?" I considered his last words to me as the doors opened to reveal an empty corridor. Taking a few steps forward, I left him standing alone, stopping briefly to turn over my shoulder and watch as he effortlessly masked the fear and stress on his face with his signature smirk.
"Something like that. I'll see you shortly, captain." With a quick nod and smart-ass salute, I watched as he scoffed and his smirk grew a little bigger, his own posture drawing up straight, defiant against the weight of everything that was weighing down on his shoulders.
"Cadet." It came out in a soft murmur just before the doors closed, paired with a wink that had me chuckling — a reflex I couldn't deny. In the silence of the hallway, I was alone for the first time in days. We were both staring down the barrel of a blaster, and I had a feeling there was no doubt in his mind either that we were toeing the of some serious reprimanding.
As I turned on my heel with a deep breath in and out of parted lips to walk towards my quarters, I considered what we were facing. Impending doom. I would steel my spine, put on a brave face, and do my best to not get booted off the ship while keeping Jim's integrity and my own in tact. I could make it through this meeting without having my resolve fail me, without letting them see how unsure of everything I was. Don't let them see you break. Don't let them see you crumble. Put on a front, even if it's the most false one you've ever had to wear.
My freshly polished boots made soft clicks against the reflective floor as I strode down the hallway to the conference room where the board was waiting. I'd been hailed a few short minutes after I'd arrived at my quarters, leaving me with little time to fix my hair in the tiny mirror of my dimly lit room, slide into a fresh uniform, and splash some water on my face in the public restroom by the elevator on my floor.
Every step I took that brought me closer to the double doors dripped with false confidence. My heart was beating manically in my chest. My mind was racing with every possible outcome of this hearing. Just as I was making a concerted effort to slow my breathing and clear my head, Bones appeared from the hallway to the left of the doors, stopping just before he pressed the touchpad to look over his shoulder towards me.
"Oh good, you're here. I hope you're ready for the ass chewing of the century."
"Hi Bones, nice to see you too. I didn't realize you received an invite to my demise."
"The presence of all officers is required. Don't ask me why, some ancient formality that I'd love to see done away with."
I couldn't help but scoff and shake my head a little as I took in his scowl and generally prickly demeanor up close. Pausing in front of the doors, I turned and gave him a grim smile. One last distraction before facing the fervent board members, dressed in stiff uniforms with permanent scowls not too dissimilar to Bones'.
"Your sunshiney demeanor is contagious as usual."
He gave me a half-hearted eye roll followed by an unamused glare. "Jim's inside, and with any luck we're the last to arrive so we can get this damn thing over with."
As he reached to push the touch screen and have the door open, I found myself involuntarily reaching out to grab his wrist, keeping the door closed. A breath caught in my throat as a fresh, hot wave of anxiety ripped through me. I turned to look at the doctor with wide, fear-stricken eyes. The shift from glower to concern was incredible to watch — one of his many talents that made him such an impressive doctor. One hand still held captive by my own, he reached out and placed the other on my shoulder, giving it a gentle, reassuring squeeze.
"These hearings are standard procedure. I've sat through a dozen for our very own prince charming in there. Spock can be a stiff, but you'll come through this relatively unscathed. The best you can do is grin and bear it. Admit fault, demonstrate learning, cuss em' out under your breath later. You can do it. Come on, let's go."
I gave him a weak smile and small nod in return as he gave my shoulder one last small squeeze before turning his attention back to opening the door. Just as he was about to press the touch screen, he looked over his shoulder one last time, his signature scowl repainted across his face.
"Oh, and if you feel like you're gonna hurl, do me a favor and aim it right on that pointy eared-bastard's shoes, will ya?"
It was impossible to resist the scoff and small smile that tugged at my lips as he felt compelled to sneak in one last ill-tempered quip before we faced the ominous room waiting for us just a few short feet away.
"I'll be sure to abide by your professional medical advice, doctor."
After one more small smirk thrown in my direction over his shoulder, Bones finally pushed his fingertips onto the touchpad. The door slid open, and Bones stepped aside with a tight-lipped smile, gesturing me into the room with one arm. With one last deep, settling breath, I made my feet move evenly, one in front of the other, shoulders pushed back, chin held high. I was suddenly hyper aware of how tightly my hair was pulled back — at the last second I'd decided to put it up into some kind of formal half-braid, half-bun style, and the foreignness of it tugging at my scalp was something I had to quickly push to the back of my mind.
The first observation I made was how eerily quiet the room was as I stepped inside. A few murmurs of conversation died away as I entered, leaving behind nothing but silence punctuated by the ever-constant whirring of technology. As I looked around the room, both at the stone-faced board members seated at the large, oval-shaped table and the familiar officers of the Enterprise standing before me, the dimness of the room caught my attention. The overhead lights were not nearly as bright as those in the halls, casting everyone in a half-shadow that made them appear much more somber and morose.
Jim was ahead to my left with Spock on my right — both had a few other officers flanking them, some of which I knew, while others had familiar faces with names I couldn't quite recall. I made a concerted effort to avoid looking directly at anyone that was a part of the Enterprise crew, and instead kept my eyes locked onto the board members who sat in an intimidating half circle, waiting with intent stares for me to come to a stop next to the captain and his first officer.
"Doctor, cadet, welcome. We can begin." A man with unfeeling eyes and a permanent frown spoke in a deep voice from the chair that stood directly across from me — the exact middle of the oval table. I stopped perfectly between Jim and Spock, not an inch in front or behind either of them. I drew myself up to my full height, clasping my hands behind my back to match the posture of both the captain and officer standing on either side of me.
With a quick glance of my eyes up and down the length of the table, I took stock of who all was seated before me. The man in the middle had three men to his left, along with two other men and one woman on his right. Seven board members total. I'm sure they had all been in attendance back on Yorktown, when I had appeared in my unpleasant state to make a feeble attempt at appearing worthy of accompanying the crew on this mission. My gaze settled back onto the man who had spoken, and I tipped my chin up slightly as I waited for him to continue.
"I'm glad to see you are in much better condition than the last time we saw you on Yorktown, as I'm sure we all are. That was some state you were in, smell and all. I'm glad to see you've healed well."
Out of the corner of my eye, I could've sworn I saw a muscle twitch in Jim's jaw. I knew he possessed enough restraint to remain silent, I just wasn't sure how long that restraint would last. It was near reflexive to reach out and give his hand a squeeze, to reassure him that I could handle this, that I could take the needling and poking and provocation. I fought the urge, resigning myself to squeezing my own hand behind my back instead. I would have to trust that Jim could keep himself in check for as long as this meeting would take.
"I am feeling much better. Thank you, sir."
"Now, let us attend to the matter at hand — the very reason why this disciplinary hearing is necessary in the first place. It was brought to the board's attention through a very detailed and thorough report made by commander Spock that a physical altercation occurred between him and yourself, cadet. You do understand that Starfleet has a zero-tolerance policy for inter-crew violence, do you not?"
"I am aware of Starfleet's policy regarding violence between crew members, sir. I can assure you it was a gross oversight on my part, and have been vigilant in regards to keeping my emotions in check ever since."
"Speaking of your emotions, cadet, it would also appear that there have been a litany of other insidious incidents during your short time aboard the Enterprise. It would seem that this altercation with commander Spock was a direct result of his keen observation that you were putting the captain of this ship at risk, which would be another violation of the same code."
My teeth gritted together harder with every condescending word he spoke, the flood of anger rising in me for two reasons — one, because the drivel he was spewing regarding Jim was completely and utterly false, and that said captain would not be able to hold his tongue, making my fight for survival even harder.
"Sir, with all due respect, if I felt for one second that I was being physically compromised or pushed beyond my limits, I would have — "
"That is quite enough, captain. Let us not forget that this cadet is here due to your advocacy, and having her under your tutelage seems to be the root cause of many of the issues being brought forth during this hearing today. Not only has a physical altercation occurred due to the cadet's presence on this ship, but it would also seem that your direct orders were broken when she participated in the excursion that was deployed just days ago."
Jim was about to take a step forward, his hand getting ready to reach out from behind his back so he could talk with it, argue with it, defend with it. But this was not his battle to fight, and I made sure to take a small step forward first, puffing out my chest as much as I could in an effort to portray being self assured when I was anything but.
"There appears to have been a miscommunication between the officers who I've been studying diligently with during my tenure aboard the ship and the captain regarding my participation in the excursion. It was viewed by myself and my mentors as an incredible opportunity to supplement my ongoing learnings, but the captain had already assembled the group of his choosing."
Jim's voice cut in as soon as I had finished speaking. "My intent was to submit an amendment to my orders following the addition of the cadet to the landing party, sir," he had stepped forward now anyways, choosing to stand next to me in front of the firing squad instead of letting me handle it on my own, and to seal his fate, he ended with "and it would be my error that it was not received in a timely enough manner." His voice was slightly raised, his posture more rigid than ever out of the corner of my eye.
"While your error is noted, captain, it does not excuse the fact that an unauthorized crew member was allowed to participate in a dangerous and crucial exploration will also find that further insubordination is not in yours or the cadet's best interest." After a moment of hesitation, Jim took a reluctant step backwards to where he had originally been standing. I would've given anything to be able to turn around and at least give him a look of reassurance, to let him know that I appreciated him standing up for me, for trying to defend me. That action would seal my fate on the first shuttle off the Enterprise, so I reigned in the urge to look him in the eye and instead kept my gaze locked on to the wrinkled man who showed no emotions other than annoyance and disdain.
"There is also the matter of your recent medical anomalies, cadet. Not only are you a liability when these episodes occur aboard the Enterprise, the risk at which you put your fellow crew members going off-ship is incalculable. Add in the fact that yourself and the captain remained behind for an additional night on the recent excursion, you should already be on a shuttle back to Yorktown, your future with Starfleet unclear."
My ears had begun to ring at some point during the emotionless words flowing relentlessly from the head of the board's mouth. While none of the listed events came as a shock to me, hearing them come out of a superior's mouth who was so very far removed from the daily goings ons of the Enterprise was making me feel sick. Bones might get his wish after all if I had to keep on listening to the man before me go on and on about all of my wrongdoings.
"We, along with the guidance and suggestion from commander Spock, have determined that it is in the best interest of the ship, its mission and its crew to remove you from the direct supervision of the captain. You will now report directly to commander Spock, beginning immediately. All one-on-one training and meetings with the captain will cease unless proven to be absolutely necessary by Starfleet code and regulation. Failure to adhere to these new orders will result in your expulsion from the ship and from the academy — for life. Is that understood?
"Sir, pardon my interrupting but I feel that this recourse is entirely — " The head of the board was already cutting Jim off sharply, making it easier for me to keep myself in check, my head and gaze staying frozen forward as opposed to turning and saying his name, pleading with him silently in my eyes as much as I could to stop. Stop talking, stop fighting, stop digging himself further into more insubordination.
"Enough, captain. The board has ruled, and that is final. It is not lost on us that this cadet is here on your word, and your word alone. It would be in your best interest to refrain from any further debate on the matter." The stone-faced man turned his pinning gaze back to me, my heart racing out of control with the reality of everything that had just unfolded. Hot tears surged behind my eyes, a fierce flush coming over my cheeks as the emotions that swirled around inside of me threatened to let loose. I swallowed against the lump in my throat and clenched my jaw so hard it hurt, determined to not let anyone in the room know how close I was to losing it completely.
"With that, cadet, be mindful that your tenuous presence on this ship will be monitored far more closely from this point forward — both by doctor McCoy and commander Spock, among others. You are dismissed."
It took an immense amount of self control to give the head of the board one short, curt nod, and to speak in an even, level tone that did not betray the emotion clenching my throat. "Understood. Thank you, sir." I made a conscious decision to turn to my right and head towards the door, avoiding any chance of looking at Jim and risking part of myself coming unwound, springing free and causing more of a disaster. Through the blur of tears in my eyes, I could've sworn I saw Spock cast a quick, sidelong glance in my direction. My contempt for the Vulcan was only a fraction of the feelings coming to a head inside of me.
Someone had pressed the keypad ahead of me reaching the door, allowing me to keep my stride without pausing, making an escape from the room where it had been growing more difficult to breathe by the second. As soon as I heard the soft whoosh of the door closing behind me, I let quick, trembling gasps of air escape my mouth. Tears flowed relentlessly down my hot, flushed cheeks. The bright lights of the hallway were disorienting after having been in the dimness of the meeting room for what felt like forever. My body slowed as my head swam. Dizziness crashed over me in a heavy wave. My feet caught over one another as a fierce, blinding pain shot through my skull, threatening to topple me over in the middle of the hallway.
I was able to grab part of the wall just as my knees gave out, leaving me scrambling and desperate to keep myself upright. It was just as another crippling wave of pain seared through my head that a yell broke through my lips. The pain had overcome me, along with everything that had just occurred in that stuffy room, and I was collapsing — physically and emotionally. Before I could even try to restrain myself, I felt myself slip fully into the grip of the turmoil unleashing inside of me. Suddenly my cocked back with another yell and slammed fully into the unforgiving metal of the wall.
It was as a fresh, burning wave of pain shot down my arm that I realized there were people rushing towards me from the meeting room. Arms were wrapping around my middle, attempting to bring me back up to my feet. Someone was standing with their arms spread out in a futile attempt at trying to block me from the view of the room they'd just left. The world had bottomed out from around me, from beneath me. Somewhere between my gasps for air and barrage of tears, flailing limbs and uncoordinated thrashing, I heard the familiar, deep croon of Bones' voice. It acted as a tiny anchor, something for my subconscious to try and grasp as reality fell away around me.
"Aria, it's alright. Stay with me. We're going to get you down to med bay." The sound of feet shuffling on the polished floor met my ears as I felt hands and arms grip and move around my body. "Uhura, can you get under her other shoulder? I just want to get her out of this damn hallway and away from the prying eyes and ears of that damn room."
"I've got her, Bones. Let's go." Then I was stumbling down the hallway, the lieutenant and doctor tucked under each of my armpits, my eyes unable to focus on anything as the lights passed us overhead. There was only the searing pain in my skull and the overwhelming ocean of unrest churning inside of me. The sound of a door sliding shut reached my ears, and I was brought into stillness as we began moving in the turbolift. Up or down, I didn't know. Exhaustion began to grip every particle of my being, and my eyelids were fluttering slowly between open and shut.
My head lolled to the side, landing on whoever was standing there holding me. Whether it was Bones or Uhura, I didn't know. It gave me enough comfort to allow my eyes to close fully. To let go and let whatever was happening inside of me just happen. I felt a gentle touch along my back as our bodies came into stillness again. "We'll figure this out, Aria. It will be okay." Grumpy, ill-tempered Bones, comforting me. The thought was enough to drag up a small chuckle from somewhere deep within my normal self.
"There we go, just keep laughing. God knows it's better than having to see you keep crying."
He earned another chuckle as both he and Uhura walked me off the lift and into the comforting low light of med bay. One second at a time. If I could deal with each second as it came, I could get through this and figure out what to do, I thought as I was set down gingerly on an exam table. It was then my mind betrayed me and I thought of Jim, still all those floors away, still facing the firing squad that had finished me off so thoroughly. My tears started again, and I heard Bones sigh deep and fully from beside me.
Second by second. Laughter, tears, laughter, tears. Eventually I would find my normal self again through all of this. Time, Aria. It will just take time. With a shaky breath in and out, I attempted to sit up straight as Bones began his exam. Jim could handle himself. He would fare far better than I had. It was an easy lie to tell myself as I attempted to tune out my mind and body and focus on Bones' directions. Second by second, one moment to the next. Focus. I could fight through. I would have to, in order to make sense out of any of this.