The difference 12 hours could make was truly an astounding change to behold. I took a long sip of whiskey as I stared out into the mocking emptiness of space just beyond the thick glass that separated me from the merciless vacuum of crushing force. Glancing over my shoulder at the info panel had only served to remind me that just 12 hours ago I had been enjoying Aria in the most perfect, blissful way possible. Who was I to think that continuing on this path would've led anywhere but here?

My mind flitted back to the disciplinary hearing that had concluded what seemed like an entire lifetime ago. I didn't want to keep thinking about it, didn't want to keep reliving how horribly it went, how I could've handled it differently, how I should've handled it differently, but I couldn't stop it from replaying in my mind over and over again. Gritting my teeth, I stared down into my half-filled glass as my brain picked up from where it had left off before I made the mistake of looking at the time.

She'd just walked out of the room, which was now painfully silent as her conversation with the head of the board had finished in a finite, inarguable manner that left me both fuming and feeling queasy. My jaw was throbbing from having been clenched so tightly throughout her entire ordeal with the callous man who was now staring me down with the intensity of someone who wanted to make sure I felt every last ounce of their wrath.

"I should hope that you are ready to have a civil conversation regarding the excursion you have just completed, captain. We have begun reviewing the initial — "

There was a yell from outside the doors that immediately captured everyone's attention in the room. My own head turned on a swivel to find people from the room stepping out into the hallway to see what was going on. Everything in my mind bottomed out as I watched Aria out in the hall through the open door. She stumbled into the wall, trying and failing to stay on her feet as she wound up her fist and slammed it into the unforgiving metal with as much force as she could manage.

I looked on helplessly as Bones and Uhura reached her at the same time, both attempting to block her from the view of the room while trying to shoulder her weight. That was the last image imprinted on my mind before the door slid shut, leaving me in the stuffy meeting room with far too many people around for how much anger and pure sorrow was swirling around inside of me. I'd have to continue on with this meeting, feign indifference towards what just happened in the hallway and deliver every answer to every question that was asked of me with the air of false confidence.

"Captain, your attention please. As I was saying, we have started to review the initial reports compiled by the members of the landing party. We will be sure to pass on all notable flora and fauna samples to the appropriate departments at headquarters. It was also of note that you encountered no inhabitants — local or otherwise — while executing your search, is that correct?"

With a few resetting blinks and a great deal of effort, I managed to shift my focus from Aria to the details of the excursion just enough to come up with what I hoped to be a respectable answer. I brought my gaze back up to the head of the board, drawing my shoulders back and sliding an expressionless mask over my face.

"That is correct, sir. We did not encounter any other life forms during our excursion. We did, however, come across what appeared to be an abandoned Starfleet outpost, as I'm sure you will find reported across the party's accounts of the expedition. It looked to have been uninhabited for quite some time, as indicated by the old logs that were discovered inside. We've made electronic copies of the logs for further examination and documentation, as we believed it to be of significant importance to find an outpost on a planet we believed to be previously unexplored."

It brought me some minuscule amount of joy to know that I could at least present the outpost anomaly with a bit of backhanded delight. Any answer the board provided would be curious and suspect at this point — I didn't care how much Spock wanted to lap up Starfleet's excuse-ridden drivel. I angled my chin higher as I waited for a response, my expression still stony to mirror the very one that was being leveled back at me.

"We were informed of the seemingly abandoned outpost through all reports from the mission. While not common, this occurrence is certainly not unheard of. We will be sure to examine the logs thoroughly to glean what we can about this misplaced piece of history. Rest assured your discovery is appreciated and shall be documented accordingly."

I watched as the head of the board's eyes narrowed on me, pinning me to where I stood more intensely than he had throughout the entirety of this hearing. It would be a career death sentence to push back on him now in front of the whole board, in front of all the other officers in the room. His answer was a quiet challenge to see if I would question his response. Spock's silence at my side also spoke volumes — whether for better or for worse, I didn't yet know.

"Now, captain, is there anything else noteworthy that you would like to discuss regarding the findings of your excursion?"

He was prying. For what, I couldn't be sure. Scenes from the trip replayed in mind as I considered what he might be after. The wonderfully wild and science-defying landscape, forms of flowers I'd never seen before, the wide range of biomes that existed, the outpost, the night with Aria by the pond …

Glowing. Her glowing. My eyes shot back to the head of the board's as the realization struck me. Her and I both were already being punished for her participation in the trip. For him to be looking for something else, to be asking so specifically for anything noteworthy from the excursion … If I mentioned it, what Aria would face from the board was unknown — too big of a risk given her current unknown standing with Starfleet and their intentions. If I lied and said nothing, I had a sneaking suspicion that he would know I was not telling the truth. He could openly challenge me, and I welcomed it. Let him push for an answer I would never give. Let him see how willing I was to play the game.

"No, sir. There was nothing else noteworthy outside of the reports that have already been delivered."

I watched intently as the muscles in his jaw clenched and unclenched as he stared me down, his glower growing more intense. Obviously dissatisfied with my response, I waited patiently for whatever his next angle of attack would be for trying to push me into giving him information, or attempting to incense me into blatant insubordination.

"And what are we to make of this extra night you spent alone with the cadet, captain?"

Just as I was drawing a deep breath into my lungs in an effort to buy myself a handful of seconds to come up with something, anything that would help cover my ass and make a shred of sense, someone spoke up from behind me.

"If I may, sir, it was a misunderstanding. A crossing of wires, if you will. Ye see, I was under the impression that the captain would be needin' to stay longer to get things at the outpost tidied up and a few more samples collected. I hadna' realized that wasn't the case until quite late, and by that time the captain had thought it best to use the opportunity to in fact gather more research, as well as give the cadet a chance to acquire unique samples during the night on the planet."

"Is this true, captain?"

I couldn't very well come out and say I had planned a last-minute romantic rendezvous with the very cadet who had already suffered the brutal brunt of the board's will. Scotty had just stuck his neck out in a way I was thoroughly not comfortable with, but my other options were nonexistent. He'd offered me an out, one I would have to take and find a way to both reprimand him for and prove my eternal gratitude for later.

"Yes, sir, mister Scott is correct. Seeing as how I already had my captain's duties covered from the original duration of the excursion and the additional time would be limited to one night, I thought it would be ideal to capitalize on an unforeseen miscommunication and use the time to provide both Starfleet with more useable data, and the cadet with an opportunity to experience more hand-ons learning to supplement her studies."

Silence fell over the room again as the head of the board contemplated the fabricated story he'd just been told. I felt fairly confident that there wasn't enough for him to blatantly dispute my story in front of the board and the other officers present, and I was wracking my brain to come up with any other accusations he might throw my way in an effort to be somewhat prepared.

"Very well. We will continue to review and analyze all reports that are submitted regarding the excursion to ensure accuracy and consistency, captain." The head of the board's eyes shifted to Spock for the first time since the dreaded hearing began. A sharp pang of anger shot through my chest as I remembered what had been said earlier — "... along with the guidance and suggestion of commander Spock." My eyes followed to where the Vulcan stood just feet away from me, his own intelligent, emotionless eyes locked on to the head of the board. Red flashed across my vision as heat radiated through my body.

"We would like to thank you, commander Spock, for submitting and completing such thorough, accurate reports. They have provided great insight into the recent events, and helped us create solutions that ensure the integrity of this mission is maintained and the ship can continue to function successfully on a daily basis." There was nothing I could do to stop my fist from trembling at my side. I replayed it over and over again, what it would be like to drop Spock where he stood. It had been years since we'd first scuffled on the bridge of the Enterprise. I'd baited him then, and he gave me the ass-kicking I deserved. I would've come unbridled now just like he did then — an urge my body was trembling to act on, but one my mind would refuse to let occur.

"Myself and the board will be departing immediately back to Yorktown to handle some pressing matters. We will be checking in regularly, captain, to ensure these new protocols are being executed. Failure to comply will result in the cadet facing permanent expulsion, and you will face a disciplinary hearing of your own. Is everything clear to you, captain?"

After a few long seconds of staring down Spock, who didn't so much as blink as he continued on staring straight ahead, I turned my head back towards the head of the board. I gave a firm nod and straightened my spine, raising my chin to attempt to retain every last ounce of authority and dignity I could muster. "Yes sir. Everything is clear."

"Then this hearing has concluded. Dismissed."

I turned on my heel and headed back to the bridge without so much as speaking or looking at anyone else in the room. I'd spent the remainder of my day getting debriefed on reports while I'd been off-ship on the excursion, eager to throw myself into anything but dealing with being alone in my quarters and fuming about how drastically different life aboard this ship would be now.

Without anymore reports to review or debriefings to hear or logs to record, I was resigned to head back to my quarters about an hour ago, setting my comms to do not disturb — meaning the only way anyone could bother me was in the case of an emergency. I fought against the urge to pop by med bay and check in with Bones. He had reported to the bridge later in the day for his daily status report, and it was nothing but curt and cordial with no med bay patients mentioned by name. I opted to make the long, lonely walk back to my quarters instead, where I had now been perched by the windows nursing a glass of whiskey since I'd arrived.

As my mind continued to ruminate over the events of the hearing over and over again, much to my own displeasure, I heard the door to my quarters open and shut. Sitting up slightly from where I was leaning against a railing, I refocused my eyes on the glass to catch the reflection of the room behind me. An audible scoff left my lips as I shook my head back and forth at who was approaching me from across the room.

"You sure have a lot of nerve showing up in my quarters after everything that's transpired today, Spock. You've got balls, I'll give you that."

"Captain, pardon my intrusion, but I was seeking an audience with you that could remain off the record."

"Off the record? Now? You don't think that there might have been a better time to speak off the record, say, before you submitted some number of reports completely annihilating the protocols I had in place with the cadet?"

"My apologies for not finding an audience with you sooner. You have been preoccupied with both the extenuating circumstances surrounding the cadet and this mission. It is also known to me that you and doctor McCoy maintain a far more personal and emotional relationship than you and I. We are, however, friends, are we not?"

My eyes narrowed on him as he stood in front me, posture rigid and face blank. While pummeling him with no witnesses in my own quarters sounded incredibly satisfying, it would solve nothing. In fact, it would only cause him to have another report filed to command, no doubt resulting in my very captaincy being questioned and ultimately revoked. No, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of acting exactly how he expected me to.

Instead, I set my drink down on a nearby table and crossed my arms against my chest. I set my jaw tightly in an attempt to reign in the raw emotion that was still churning inside of me. I was tired, and I wanted this day to be over. He was lucky any fight I'd had left in me had died when I returned to my quarters, the events of the day pressing into me fully, leaving me exhausted.

"What do you want, Spock? Why are you here?"

I watched as his gaze shifted from being intent on me to the glass windows to his left. A contemplative look spread across his features, the first sign of emotion I'd seen from him in quite some time. It unnerved me, knowing that whatever was about to come out of his mouth next might be fueled by something other than logic. It seemed highly unlikely, but with the amount of time he was taking looking out the window, I couldn't help but grow more suspicious.

When his eyes flitted back to me, his features looked softer — as if the time he'd spent looking out the window had brought him somewhere else, somewhere outside of his usual realm where logic and reason reigned supreme.

"Before coming to your quarters, I went to obtain an updated status on the cadet from doctor McCoy."

The words had entered my ears and made their way into my brain, but they did not make sense. My eyebrows furrowed and I shook my head as I stared disbelievingly at the Vulcan. "Why would you do that?"

"The cadet is stable. Her condition remains an unexplainable anomaly to doctor McCoy, which has him quite perturbed. She is still experiencing a fair amount of pain, but he has managed to keep it bearable with a regime of pain relief medications and an IV. He is beginning to seriously consider giving the cadet the prescription sent by command if her symptoms continue to grow more severe."

"Well gee, Spock, it would have been nice to be able to go and check on her myself, but I can assure you that knowing you were able to go and see how she is doing in my stead is such an enormous relief. Is that the only reason you're here? To attempt to mend what you so completely and thoroughly destroyed in the disciplinary hearing?"

"It cannot be lost on you, captain, that the action taken against me by the cadet in the training quarters needed to be brought to the board and presented accurately."

"No, Spock, you're right — it isn't lost on me. What is lost on me is how you could completely undermine my authority by suggesting and convincing the board that you should be the one in charge of Aria. That you are far more capable of taking care of the duties that I laid out for myself. You've made me look incompetent and ill-equipped to do my damn job, and robbed me of — "

"Robbed you of what, captain?"

Silence fell over the vast emptiness of my quarters as I stared him down. My eyes were wide, my pulse racing. Each word I'd spoken rekindled the ire that I'd worked to tamp down during the course of the day. It didn't take much to stoke the flames, seeing as how having Spock come into my quarters uninvited and proceeding to tell me how he casually strode into med bay to check on Aria was enough to bring the quivering back to both of my fists. I wasn't sure exactly what he was playing at now by attempting to analyze my emotional response. It was surprising and incredibly unsettling.

"Why are you here, Spock? What are you trying to get at exactly?"

All he did was stare back at me with that intense, all-knowing gaze of his. His eyes bore down on me as he used his silence and indomitable presence to wordlessly communicate that he would not be relenting any time soon. He knew that there was something more at play outside of my frustration with his blatant act of going behind my back, and he wasn't about to just give up and hightail it out of my quarters without an answer.

"It was not my intention to undermine you, captain. I did not want it to come to this. I thought that perhaps with enough time, you may come to the realization on your own and relinquish your responsibilities regarding the cadet."

Everything in my mind and body stilled as his words swam through my skull. "What are you talking about?"

"Your judgment is clouded when it comes to the cadet, and it is directly affecting your ability to carry out your duties as captain. It is logical that it is in the best interest of the ship and its crew to relieve you of the responsibilities regarding the cadet to allow you to focus on executing the requirements of your position to the fullest."

"Clouded?"

A levee broke somewhere deep within me as my mind stopped running circles around itself and pinpointed why Spock was here, what he had come here to do. I drew my mouth closed and swallowed tightly against the growing tightness in my throat.

"I do not believe I need to reiterate the events for you again, seeing as the head of the board delivered them to you just this morning." He paused before continuing, something in his face softening ever so slightly as he stared back at me. "It has been clear to me, captain, since before we departed Yorktown on this mission, that you have been struggling with your obligations to Starfleet and your personal life."

As the realization sank in, a seismic shift occurred inside of me, hitting my mind like an asteroid hurtling through space. My eyes trailed away from my first officer and down to where my drink sat on the table nearby. It took a great amount of effort to keep my breathing even as I bent over to pick the glass up in my hands. It took an even greater amount of effort to mask the shaking in my fingertips. I turned my back on Spock, attempting to master myself and the tears that were burning in my eyes as I focused on the stars and planets spotting the black blanket of space like brilliant jewels just outside the window.

I took a long sip, nearly finishing the glass before I leaned over the railing on my forearms, my shoulders slumping forward with gravity. I hung my head down and stared at the almost empty glass hanging from my hands. The weight of the last few months bore down on me fully, collapsing my body into a loose, languid state.

His words had deflated any fight I had felt when he'd first arrived unannounced. To know that he had been aware, and for quite some time at that, of how poorly I'd been managing to cope, how badly I'd been struggling to continue on putting up a front of normalcy … It left me feeling incredibly relieved and embarrassingly ashamed — a combination that was very near breaking me at the end of such a long, exhausting day.

Looking down at what little amber liquid remained in the glass that had been half full a half hour ago, I took a deep, shaking breath and let go of the few remaining reservations I was clinging to in a weak effort to mask the turmoil that had been occupying every minute of my life for months.

"If I had just stayed in that night, if I didn't go out, if I hadn't seen her out at the club … None of this would've happened. I wouldn't feel like this. I would've left her behind on Yorktown and avoided all of this."

"That is incorrect."

The nearness of his voice startled me. At some point while I'd been languishing in silence and mulling over whether or not to continue feigning ignorance or admitting to the true hell that had been my life recently, Spock had taken up a spot next to me at the windows, his hands clasped behind his back as he gazed out of the same glass that beheld the mysteries of space. Looking up at him with furrowed brows, I wondered how he could possibly know what difference it would've made if I'd ignored my feelings and left Aria on Yorktown.

"I never would've felt this way, never would've gotten so caught up and confused and hurt and lost in this hellscape — "

"Hypothesizing is futile, captain, because you are in love. Your feelings would have remained the same regardless of the cadet being aboard the Enterprise or back on Yorktown. Perhaps less poignant, but the same nonetheless."

"What did you just say?"

"Jim, if I may." He paused, waiting for and receiving no protesting before continuing. "You, much like myself, have had mentors to guide you in your career. Captain Pike taught you the makings of a strong leader, how to trust your instincts and to protect the members of your crew at any cost. The sacrifices you have made for Starfleet and for your crew during our time together have been innumerable and immensely selfless. It is also a fact that neither of us have had someone to teach us about the intricacies of navigating the intense emotions that accompany a romantic relationship." I stared up at him, dumbfounded at the words that were flowing out of his mouth so easily, so readily. It was a blessing and a curse to have someone so in-tune with logic around you so much of the time, and I was still unsure how I felt about him having ascertained so much without having barely spoken to me at all.

"It is, and has been clear to me for quite some time that the relationship you have with the cadet is far beyond captain and crew member. You have been willing to risk far more for her than with previous females you've encountered, indicating an impairment in judgment that is not within your normal character. " I stared up at him blankly as I considered his observations. Hearing my own predicament relayed back to me by someone who I never would have thought to be capable of understanding the most base emotions was almost impossible to comprehend.

"I hope you can forgive me for taking such drastic measures in an attempt to alleviate you from your own self-created 'hellscape', as you put it. Again, it was not my intent to undermine you in front of the board. It is quite difficult to standby and watch as the captain of this ship, and a person whose tenacity I admire, endures such personal turmoil on a regular basis. By having the cadet under my direct supervision, I hope to reduce the weight of the burden you've been bearing. I will be able to provide you with updates, as is a part of my responsibilities, and keep you abreast of her status regularly. I understand this transition will be difficult, Jim, and for that I am sorry. I will do my best to aid you during this challenging time — both as your first officer and your friend."

I found myself slowly nodding along as his short speech came to an end. Staring out at all the nothingness laid out before me, I took the last sip from my glass, leaving it disappointingly dry. It seemed that everything was out on the table between us now, and the thoughts in my mind seemed far less dangerous to let out now than they had hours ago. There was nothing left to lose. Spock, for all of his rage-inducing logic, had me figured out. That spoke volumes to me about how unstable the whole situation had become. For all the weeks and weeks I spent thinking I was keeping it together, thinking I was getting by without letting anything show, without letting the mask slip. It was all for not, for I was, and had been, lost to the undulating sea of happy and sad inside of me since Aria came into my life that day by the river in Yorktown.

"Why does loving her feel like such a crime, such a horrible, horrible thing?" The thought flowed from my brain to my lips seamlessly. I didn't stop to think whether I should or shouldn't vocalize it. The words hung in the air between us as moments passed by. If he didn't respond, I wouldn't be shocked. The level of empathy he'd mustered to even show up to my quarters had probably drained him for the next year or more. When he finally found it in himself to respond, his voice had a contemplative quality to it.

"These circumstances are most unfortunate. As we have worked together over the years, I have watched those around us participate in what life has to offer outside of this career, outside of the requirements of duty. It is not lost on me that there are those that feel they are missing something outside of what being a part of Starfleet can provide. It is a void that must be filled for some, and I do believe you have found the person meant to wholly complete yourself as you continue on with your life. What that means for the completion of this mission and your relationship with Starfleet, I do not know."

A deep, heavy sigh left my lips as I ruminated on what I had known for a while now — the fact that the answer to surviving daily life aboard this ship with Aria was an enormous problem with no easy answer in sight. With nothing but an empty glass in hand, a heavy heart, and a headache that was starting as slow throbs in my temples, I brought myself up to my full height with a groan and several small stretches. Drawing my hands behind my back to match Spock's posture, I steeled myself and decided to throw a line out into the depths of possibility and see what I might come up with.

"What am I supposed to do?" There was only a small beat that passed before he responded, surprising me with how quickly he was able to provide a thought on the matter.

"I have given it some thought, and it may prove beneficial to gather all essential and trustworthy officers to have a conversation on the topic — including the cadet herself. It would be logical to collect as much information as possible together and ask all necessary questions before we continue on our current trajectory of attempting to ascertain what this mission has to do with the cadet, if anything."

"I take it you've talked to Bones based on your knowledge of the mystery prescription from command?"

"Yes, doctor McCoy has informed me about the circumstances regarding the cadet's medical episodes. We found time to speak before his departure on the excursion. I expressed my concern for her being off-ship given her undiagnosed condition, and it would seem the doctor is convinced your proximity to her is enough to keep the unexplained attacks at bay. I do not share the same confidence in his highly illogical correlation."

I couldn't stop the small huff of laughter that escaped from my mouth that was completely at odds with the tightness gripping my chest. The suggestion Bones' had made about my very presence preventing her from spiraling into her states of panic and confusion had also rang false to me — it was a romantic notion, but without any logic to back it up, it was poetic and nothing more.

"It is getting late, captain — I should return to my own quarters. Rest assured I have confidence that this situation can become easier with the right method of assessment. I will be in contact with you tomorrow regarding the meeting I mentioned previously." He turned to walk towards the door, pausing briefly to look me in the eye before offering me a nearly imperceptible hint of a smile and small nod. With a sigh, I left my post at the window and followed after him for a few steps before stopping near the bar to set down my empty glass.

"You know I am sorry, and a little not sorry, that she brawled with you. I think I speak for more than myself when I say that I was living vicariously through her just the tiniest bit." The stoic Vulcan didn't deign a reply to my needling and continued on his way to the door without so much as a glance over his shoulder. I shook my head at his typical aloofness and watched as he stopped just shy of the keypad. Now, he turned to look at me, a serious look drawn across his face.

"Jim?"

"Yes?"

"If I may be so bold as to ask if you have expressed your true feelings directly to the cadet?"

"You mean have I told her that I love her?"

Spock stood motionless by the door, his eyes fixed on me as he awaited my reply. I swallowed hard against the sudden lump in my throat. Water started to build in my eyes, and I felt whatever small grip I'd managed to get on myself while Spock had been here begin to slip.

"No, I haven't told her." It was half-whispered to myself, and if it hadn't been for Spock's small nod in return, I would've assumed he didn't hear my response.

"It would be wise to continue to keep that fact to yourself, Jim, until your relationship has a higher likelihood of success."

I nodded absentmindedly, the tears flooding my eyes threatening to spill at any moment.

"Get some rest, captain. Your crew needs you to be at your best tomorrow. As do I. Good night."

As the door to my quarters slid shut behind him, the feeble facade I'd been managing to maintain crumbled. I crumpled to the floor, my knees giving way as my back slid down the wall next to the bar. Hot tears spilled from my eyes as sobs wracked my body. Admitting that I was in love with Aria out-loud to Spock had been both freeing and gutting. It was out in the open now, free of my mind and into the pointy ears of a man who knew just how serious it was for me to reveal such a sensitive, vulnerable truth.

Crying on the floor of my quarters, painfully alone and horribly exhausted, I thought about facing tomorrow. Waking up to another sunless morning, alone in a bed that could've — should've — been shared with a woman who was several floors away, separated by countless tons of metal and the politics of an organization that cared nothing for the love I felt.

With a few deep, shaking breaths, I picked my pathetic self up off of the floor and staggered my way into my living area. I hit the panel on the wall next to me in the process, turning the lights off completely before collapsing onto the unforgiving modern design of my large couch. I curled up there, content to know that it would be a while before sleep found me between being horribly uncomfortable, hungry, and crippled by my own sadness.

The only solace I could find was that this, with any luck, might be my lowest low, the worst of the storm I'd have to weather. A shift could be coming with the remainder of this mission being debriefed tomorrow, with the meeting Spock spoke of assembling, with the removal of Aria from my direct supervision, and subsequently my life. It was the thought of this being the most pain I would endure that helped my eyes ease shut, slowed my breathing to even, deep breaths, and dried my eyes of tears. I drifted off to sleep comforted by the fact that the separation and impending loneliness would be best for everyone — even if it meant hurting me the most.