Chapter 10 – Confrontation

Author's Note: In which Anakin runs into Obi-Wan. :')

~ Amina Gila

It's still early when Anakin reaches the Temple, and he hopes that he'll be able to do some scouting before it gets too late. Theoretically, he can do it later in the day since he'll be out of sight if he's able to shield properly so no one can detect him, but he'd rather not push his luck. Besides, if he can do it now, there's no reason to wait, right?

All of his hopes are dashed when he runs into Obi-Wan right inside the Temple entrance. In an instant, his anger and resentment rush back, pushing away the momentary calm and determination which has been filling him since he woke. He pointedly avoids looking in Obi-Wan's direction, but his former master clearly must have been looking for him, because he immediately approaches him.

"Anakin, can I talk to you?"

He resists the urge to growl something incredibly nasty – he doesn't even know what that something would be – nodding his head stiffly. "What is it?"

"Privately," Obi-Wan emphasizes, gesturing for him to follow. Anakin does, because he has no reason to refuse, not really, and it's probably best to get this over with, even if it probably has to do with Custos and will therefore be highly uncomfortable.

They walk in the direction of Obi-Wan's apartment, Anakin avoiding the gaze of any passing Jedi so that they, in turn, won't stop to talk to him.

"What is this about?" he asks warily. He hasn't seen Obi-Wan since Custos was arrested yesterday, and he's not ready for this. In truth, he's entirely worn out, and all he wants to do is rest. A part of that, he thinks, is from residual electrocution effects, because he was a prisoner of Dooku not that long ago. He ought not to have snuck from the medbey, but he needed to see Custos. If the Council hadn't done what they did, Anakin wouldn't have ignored his body's need for rest – and the lingering, subtle ache in his muscles – to care for Ani.

Obi-Wan lets out a breath that isn't quite a sigh. "The Council asked me to look into the influence Custos has on both you and… Ani," he explains.

Anakin clenches his jaw. If Obi-Wan really thinks that Anakin will be willing to explain the reason why he so desperately turned to Custos after his world was upended, he'd better think again. Perhaps in the past, when Anakin was younger, when he still hadn't accepted that Obi-Wan would never care about Anakin the way Anakin cares for him, he might have confessed everything… but it would have meant facing Obi-Wan's rejection, seeing his disappointment and disapproval over the depths of Anakin's attachment to him.

He can't endure that now, especially now. As he learned, as he grew, he began to close himself off so that he would never have to endure a hurt so deep it would scar him forever. Just hold me, protect me so that I can rest. He can't say that to Obi-Wan, but he could say that to Custos. He – he misses having a parent sometimes, now more than ever, because he remembers keenly how his mother would help him when he was overwhelmed, calming and soothing him, letting him pretend, for a short time, that he was a normal child who could take security in his mother. He misses that.

"There's nothing to look into," Anakin mutters sullenly.

Obi-Wan gives him a sharp look. "I disagree."

Of course, he does. Anakin scowls but remains quiet as they reach Obi-Wan's apartment. Obi-Wan types in the code, entering when the door slides open. Anakin follows, crossing his arms over his chest and sitting down on the couch, waiting for Obi-Wan to speak. "Talk," he demands. "Just say whatever it is you want to say."

Now that he's actually sitting, Anakin realizes that he can feel a faint humming in the Force, something that… doesn't really belong here. It takes him a moment to identify it: Custos' lightsaber. The kyber crystal was bled, so it feels mournful in the Force, but why is it here? He won't ask though; he'll wait until later, maybe when Obi-Wan is gone, before trying to find the lightsaber, so he can return it to Ani. That way, when Custos is freed, regardless of the circumstances, he'll have his lightsaber back.

Obi-Wan sits opposite Anakin in the armchair the way he always sits. It makes Anakin bristle to see his former master's outwards casualness when he can keenly feel an echo of the distress which Ani currently is experiencing. It feels as if – as if Obi-Wan genuinely doesn't even care that they were hurt – are hurting from the Council's actions. He – he doesn't think that's the case – at least he hopes not – but still…

"Let's start simple," Obi-Wan states, studying him. The coolness in his gaze makes Anakin feel half his size, and he shrinks back somewhat into the couch. "Why did you go to Custos' cabin?"

Anakin shrugs. "I was curious about them," he replies. "I wanted to know more."

Even if he makes the conversation difficult, Obi-Wan isn't going to give up – well, he might eventually, but he'll keep pushing for a while, because he's doing what the Council told him to do. And Anakin does understand their concern, but he thinks they're going way too far. Separating Custos from Ani, thereby traumatizing the both of them was completely unnecessary when the Sith had done nothing to warrant such a reaction.

"Did you learn anything?" Now, Obi-Wan seems curious.

"A little," Anakin concedes after a moment of indecision. He doesn't know how much he has a right to share, because Custos clearly hadn't wanted to tell the Jedi anything. But at the same time, what could it hurt? "He told me that he and Ani were captured by the Sith on Naboo after he defeated Maul."

"And he joined them," Obi-Wan surmises.

Anakin shakes his head, scoffing. "He did what he had to do to survive," he corrects. "He… fought them." He looks away, wondering how close the duo came to death. Did they nearly die before ending up here? Is that how they came to be here?

"What else did he tell you?" Obi-Wan questions.

"Not much," he replies vaguely. "Not about their reality." After that, they'd talked about Anakin and Obi-Wan, and it's not something he wants to think about.

"He said something to you though," the Jedi Master pushes, stroking his beard. He seems hesitant for a moment, before continuing. "I felt you… struggling that night. What happened?"

Anakin clenches his fists. "I don't want to talk about it," he snaps back, because never in a million years does he want to confess that he wants what Custos and Ani have. On Tatooine, he always had his thoughts and his emotions, and he won't ever let that go, because losing that meant losing oneself. He won't – he won't –

Obi-Wan is visibly displeased. "I want to understand," he says, maybe deciding to try a less confrontational approach first. "I want to know what happened between two you."

"Nothing happened!" Anakin growls defensively. He hates that Obi-Wan was inconsiderate enough to walk in on them two nights ago. He hates that the first proper night of rest which he got was promptly ruined the next day. He hates that they're even having this conversation at all. He hates that Obi-Wan isn't going to leave it alone like Anakin wants, that he'll push further because caring so much about someone, much less a Sith, isn't permissible. He hates having to pretend that he doesn't love as deeply and fiercely as he does, because "it's not the Jedi way."

Obi-Wan raises an eyebrow, his calm façade never fading for even a second. "Well clearly," he responds, voice dripping with sarcasm, "It must have been nothing, because there is nothing at all unusual or strange about you cuddling with random strangers."

Anakin flushes, anger and embarrassment flooding him. "Custos isn't a random stranger," he bites out. "He's you – another version of you anyways."

Obi-Wan's blue-gray eyes harden. "He is not me," he practically hisses, voice pure ice.

Anakin flinches. He knows that. He knows that all too well, and Custos had said the same thing. The two men are too fundamentally different to be considered the same. "He said the same thing," Anakin tells him, just as ready to fight as Obi-Wan is. He doesn't like it when they fight – he hates it; it hurts – but he doesn't think they'll be able to avoid fighting unless Obi-Wan leaves it alone. He won't, of course, but then again, Anakin isn't really going to leave it alone either, now, is he? He is, after all, planning to try and find a way to free Custos, irrespective of what the Council wants.

His former master seems a bit taken aback by the admission. "Why did he say that?"

"We were talking," Anakin grumbles reluctantly, "About me." A moment later, he realizes that it was definitely the wrong thing to say, because Obi-Wan will never leave it alone now.

"Why were you talking to him about yourself?" Obi-Wan sounds genuinely confused with maybe a hint of something else lurking just beneath the surface, though Anakin isn't sure what it is or why it's there. When Anakin doesn't answer, content to sit there in a sullen silence, he speaks up again. "Let me rephrase that. What were you talking to him about that led to… whatever else happened after that?"

"I don't see how that matters," Anakin snarls, jolting to his feet and stalking back and forth furiously. "It's none of your business who I choose to talk to about things."

"Perhaps not," Obi-Wan agrees, "But I am curious about why you're reluctant to tell me whatever it is you told him."

Anakin jolts as if he was hit with a bantha prod – and he does, in fact, know what that feels like, thank you very much – tears pricking at his eyes suddenly, though he stubbornly refuses to let them fall. "You don't understand," Anakin accuses harshly. "You don't understand, and –" He cuts himself off there, unable and unwilling to continue lest everything else spill out. Why can't you tell me if you actually care about me? Why can't I ever be good enough for you? Why can't you –? It's a thought he doesn't even want to finish in his own mind.

"Then make me understand," Obi-Wan answers coolly.

"I can't!" he yells at him, whirling to glare at him. "You never listen to me! He did though." He doesn't even know what makes him say it except perhaps the innate need to make Obi-Wan react, to make him show some type of emotion other than calm, detached stoicism.

His former master doesn't even twitch at the pointed barb. "Because he's trying to manipulate you." The suggestion only serves to aggravate him further.

"Because he's not a Jedi!" roars Anakin. He knows that's the key reason why Custos and Obi-Wan are so different. Custos doesn't let himself be beholden to the Code. He does what he thinks he is right, what he thinks needs to be done. He's caring in a way the Jedi never have been, at least not towards Anakin, and that knowledge hurts, because Custos is a Sith. He shouldn't be so much… better than the Jedi, but he is.

"Why does that matter so much?" Obi-Wan queries, raising a disbelieving eyebrow.

"It… it just does." He doesn't know how to put it into words, how to express any of the things he's thinking in a way that Obi-Wan will actually try to listen and understand.

If anything, Obi-Wan seems even more unimpressed by Anakin's response, humming quietly under his breath. "And would you leave if he asked you to?"

The question comes out of nowhere, and Anakin is momentarily taken aback. "No, I wouldn't leave Ahsoka. I wouldn't leave –" You, he wants to say but doesn't. He is loyal to people, not principles.

"The Order?" Obi-Wan finishes questioningly.

"Yes." Anakin finds that he can't quite look at the Jedi Master as he says that, because it's not the truth, but it's what Obi-Wan wants to hear. He's gotten used to that – saying what people want to hear instead of saying what he actually thinks or feels. Sometimes, he thinks with a touch of hysteria, he could probably drive someone insane with the way his mind actually works, with the random thoughts or emotions that surface, with the intenseness that he feels everything.

"And why didn't you try to talk to me about… whatever it was that's troubling you?"

Leave it alone, he wants to snarl. Stop asking me things that will only hurt me more in the long-run, things that will only make you disappointed and more distant than you already are. Can't you see that some things are best left alone? Why do you only ever want to ask questions when you shouldn't, when the answers you get won't be the ones you want? He says none of that. He wants to, but the words would never form, even if he tried. "I've tried, but you don't listen," he says instead, bitterness lacing his every word. "You never listen to me!"

He pauses then, taking in the way Obi-Wan is sitting there, the stiffness of his posture which belies the feigned casualness of it. "Don't tell me you're jealous," he scoffs incredulously.

And Obi-Wan… Obi-Wan says nothing to that, blue-gray eyes as distant as they were at the beginning of the conversation. Anakin gapes at him, realization slowly beginning to filter in, because yes, Obi-Wan is a stickler for rules and following the Council, but he doesn't normally push and prod like this, not if it's making Anakin angry. "You are?" It's not his fault if he sounds a bit hysterical.

"Of course not," Obi-Wan snaps sharply. "Don't be ridiculous."

Lie, whispers the Force, but it didn't need to, because Anakin's mind is already racing, already thinking about how he would feel if, given the current distance and strain between he and his former master, another version of himself appeared who suddenly seemed to be very close to Obi-Wan. He can only imagine the pain and jealousy it would invoke. Ani never minded though, because Custos is open and free with his affection and love. He doesn't hide it. He doesn't make them fight for it. He gives it when they need it, and it would never have been a problem. Not for the two of them.

But it's different for Obi-Wan, and maybe he does genuinely want to know, but Anakin can't ever tell him, because he can't bring himself to risk facing such a rejection. He never thought about how Obi-Wan would feel, too caught up in his own pain and longing. Suddenly, he feels deeply ashamed, his anger evaporating like dew beneath the sun. "I'm sorry, Master," he whispers, sinking onto the couch again fidgeting with the sleeve of his robe. "I'm – I didn't –" Anakin stops, swallowing hard and bowing his head as he inhales shakily, trying to bury his feelings deep down where they won't ever matter or bother him again, because he can't – he never wants to hurt Obi-Wan. It's unthinkable. He'll free Custos because Ani needs him. He'll help them escape because they deserve to be free. And then, he'll never think about them again.

If he has to choose between his father and the Sith who showed him a kindness that he's been craving for so long he can't even remember, he'll – he doesn't know. He doesn't know, and that terrifies him, because what if – what if he chooses to leave his father? He can't. He can't do that. He doesn't want this to happen. He doesn't want to be in this situation. He doesn't want to be forced to choose.

But by trying to help Ani, isn't he choosing anyways? Not necessarily, he realizes, because even if he helps them leave, he'll never see them again. He'll stay here, and things will return to the way they were before, or at least more or less, because now that they know who Sidious is, things will never return to "normal." But he'll be here with Obi-Wan, and it will have to be enough.

Obi-Wan is oddly silent, and Anakin can feel him studying him. It makes him uneasy because he doesn't know what his former master is seeing in him. He wants to convince Obi-Wan to come over here, so he can crawl into his side and let everything and everyone but the two of them cease to exist. Obi-Wan wouldn't agree to such a thing; he's too much of a Jedi to let Anakin act as affectionate and… clingy as Ani does to Custos.

"He called you his son," Obi-Wan says carefully after a long pause of silence.

Is that what's bothering him then? Anakin doesn't know, and he doesn't even know how to ask such a thing either. Obi-Wan is a perfect Jedi, or at least he acts like one, and such an inquiry would not be well received, he knows. "I'm an Anakin," he replies carefully, trying not to make the situation even worse. "That's enough for him, but like you said: he's not you." He's not my master.

Something almost… fond flickers through Obi-Wan's eyes, and Anakin wishes that he wasn't so selfish to want more. I wish could love me. I wish you could treat me the way Custos does Ani. He buries the thought, the desire, deep down knowing that it will forever be an unfulfilled yearning. There is no use in seeking out something he can never have, even if it would be within the realm of possibility if only Obi-Wan… changed. But Anakin doesn't want to ask that of him. He refuses to ask that of him. He'll never ask someone to change who they are just for his sake. He loves them as they are, flaws and all, and that includes Obi-Wan.

"You can talk to me, Anakin." Obi-Wan's voice is quiet, gentle. "I don't know how to help you understand that."

Tears burn Anakin's eyes again, and he looks down again, exhaling shakily. I want to, he wants to say. I want to talk to you, but you don't listen to me. He already said that… and Obi-Wan didn't listen, didn't understand. Maybe this will forever be their fate: both wanting and seeking something that can never be, because their desires are simply not compatible with each other. Obi-Wan wants Anakin to be a Jedi, and Anakin no longer knows if that's possible. He wants to leave the Order eventually so he can raise a family, but he's scared to think of that time, because he doesn't want to leave Obi-Wan. He wants – he wants Obi-Wan to show his care for him, and Obi-Wan won't do that, because he's a Jedi.

It's a mess. It's bound to end even more disastrously than it has now, because unless one of them is willing to give in to the other, one of them will always seek something that can never be. Anakin knows that, just as he knows that he'll never truly be able to let Obi-Wan go. In many ways, he dreads the end of the war, because it will mean losing whatever relationship they now have, and he doesn't want that.

"I would like to speak with Ani," Obi-Wan tells him when Anakin remains quiet. "Where is he?"

"He's at Senator Amidala's apartment," Anakin replies adding a defensive, "I didn't know where else to take him since he wouldn't want to come here, and he needed someone to help him."

Obi-Wan only nods, rising to his feet. "Then I shall go there." With those words, he leaves. Anakin watches him go, feeling inexplicably as if every step Obi-Wan takes is one step further from him in more ways than the obvious.

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